People who cannot say “no” to others suffer from this throughout their lives. At work, they take on the most complex but low-paying projects. At home they suffer humiliation from a tyrant husband (or manipulative wife). Friends often abuse this feature. As a result, there is no happiness in your personal life and no advancement in your career. If there is an understanding of the problem, you need to fight it by any means.
Why don't people know how to refuse?
The inability to say “no” is associated with the fear of ruining relationships - most often people tend to follow the needs of another person contrary to their desires , rather than refuse. We are afraid of seeming impolite, however, when we act to the detriment of our own interests, we suffer not only morally, but also physically. Working for the interests of others over and over again, a person loses self-confidence, self-esteem falls, vitality decreases and the feeling of a consumer attitude towards oneself does not leave.
Most often, the reason for this behavior is banal fear, which can be divided into four types:
- fear of offending a person;
- fear of being refused if you have to ask for something yourself;
- fear of losing respect;
- fear of appearing rude or ill-mannered.
All these stereotypes are formed in people from early childhood and only become stronger throughout later life. But if you put aside emotions, it becomes clear that an adequate person will accept your refusal with understanding and this will not affect your further communication in any way. Especially if you have the ability to refuse correctly - without making excuses and at the same time without seeming too impolite. Below we will look at how to do this, but for now let’s discuss why it is so important to learn to say no to people?
Low self-esteem
If in childhood a child was not given due attention, he did not receive unconditional parental love, his opinion was little taken into account, then at some point he could decide that only by agreeing with others, pleasing them in every possible way, he gets a chance to earn the love of significant people, to be accepted by them, to become “good” in their eyes. In the future, this model of behavior is consolidated: having become an adult, such a person continues to fulfill the desires of others, since he is confident that only in this case can he count on their favor.
Such people are insecure; they often think that they themselves are not of particular value. And only by providing services to everyone around them, meeting other people’s expectations, do they acquire this very value and become truly necessary. The feelings and desires of other people seem very important to such a person, while their own feelings, desires and interests fade into the background. Is it any wonder that soon they simply stop taking him into account?
What can the inability to refuse lead to?
Reliability can play a cruel joke on you over time: people will begin to perceive your kindness as weakness or softness and will begin to use it for their own purposes as necessary, and sometimes even try to shift most of the work onto your shoulders. Treat your own time with respect if you want others to respect you.
Most often, by saying “yes” where we could and should have said “no”, we are subconsciously trying to please, to maintain a warm relationship with a person, although often such sacrifices are not worth it . In most situations, refusal is a way to set personal boundaries.
Take a look at your own life from the outside, evaluate how much time you spend on yourself, and how much on strangers and serving their interests .
Do you have free time that you can devote to your hobbies? If you have a strong feeling that people too often turn to you for “help” and you are unable to refuse (even when it would be worth doing), then it’s time to take decisive action and learn to refuse once and for all. Now we will move on to the main part of our article - we will analyze specific methods and techniques that will help you learn to say NO to people.
Acknowledgments
The authors thank all the talented and hardworking people at Broadway Books for their expertise and involvement in this project, especially Steve Rubin, Bob Asahin, Jerry Howard, Robert Allen, Debbie Steere, Katherine Pollock, Roberto de Vicque de Cumpticha, Stanley Cohen and the amazing sales agents. We are especially indebted to our thoughtful and very experienced editors Tracy Bear and Angela Casey. We must also thank Maureen Sugden for her helpful suggestions.
Thanks to Bill Schinker for his faith and enthusiasm for this book from the very beginning.
Thank you to Richard Carlson for his wisdom, kindness, and such a wonderful introduction to this book.
We thank Linda Michaels for her unrivaled international know-how and Teresa Kavanaugh, Helen Blatny, Martha Di Domenico, Eva Betzweiser and Jenny Sohr for their ongoing expert support.
Thanks to Rita Marcus for her boundless energy, imagination and PR savvy.
Thanks to Claude Palmer and the Open Secret Bookstore, Shereen Ash at the Fairfax Library, and Kathleen O'Neill for research assistance.
We are incredibly grateful to Deborah Carroll, Paula Solomon, and Linda Wade for sharing their time, wisdom, and expertise.
Thanks to Laurie Baird, Corinda Carford, Tom Cavalieri, Jodie Conway, Joanna Dales, Maggie Gelosi, Valerie Green, Peter Green, Aron Hirt-Manheimer, Anya Jouerbom, Edith Joyce, Barbara Kops, Renee Martin, Dan Neuharth, Mary Ray, Rose Rawlings , Bob Rosenfeld, David Rosenfeld, Nancy Samelin, Patrice Serra, Evelyn Schmidt, Diana Schuba, Lana Staeli, Sandra Staman, and Donna Starito for their valuable thoughts and feedback, which were very helpful.
Additionally, Patti thanks:
Fran Zitner for her great love and faith in me.
Debbie Drason for teaching me the Golden Rule and for being the best and most trusted friend, role model and cheerleader anyone could ask for.
Dominique Blanchard and Lisa T. Lewis for their friendship and great help in my office and in my life.
Susan Harrow for her amazing public speaking advice and kind soul.
Linda Rosinski, Marion L. Muzante, and Josephine Codoni Leary Burke for their continued friendship.
Carol Adams, Neal Barnard, Freya Dinshah, Jay Dinshah, Gail Davis, Susan Havala, Ruth Heidrich, Michael Claper, James Michael Lennon, Howard Lyman, Glen Merzer, Mark Messina, Virginia Messina, Victoria Moran, Marra Nealon, Ingrid Newkirk, Carol Normandy, Jennifer Raymond, Laurielee Roark, John Robbins, Robert David Roth, Timothy Smith, Charles Stahler, Deborah Wasserman and Ann and Larry Wheat - for their inspiring work on behalf of the planet and its inhabitants and for drawing attention to the countless important issues that require to be told “yes!”
To Anne Douglas, Terry Vandiver and the wonderful women and men at the Friday morning Samkhya of the Rock of the Spirit for their constant support and wisdom in words and silence, in movement and stillness.
And most importantly, Stan Rosenfeld for his patience while this book was a top priority, his outstanding input and feedback, his help with the computer, his amazing sense of humor, his unfailing love, and everything else too numerous to list. I'm so glad I said yes to him.
Connie also expresses her gratitude to:
Ken Hatch, Doug Trazzara, Sandy Trazzara, Richard O'Connor, and Deborah Schorsch for their steadfast loyalty, support, and being there over the years.
Special thanks to my husband and best friend, Joey Cavalieri, for his super-heroic support during the writing of this book.
The Art of Disappearance
When they say, “Don’t we know each other?” - answer “no”. When they invite you to a party, remember what a party is before you answer. Someone loudly tells you about how he once wrote poetry. Fatty sausages on a paper plate. Then answer. If they say, “We need to be together,” ask, “Why?” Not because you don't love them anymore. You're trying to remember something too important to forget. Trees. The sound of the monastery bell at dusk. Tell them you have a new business. It will never be finished. If someone recognizes you at the grocery store, give a curt nod and become a cabbage. If someone you haven't seen for ten years shows up at your door, don't start singing all your new songs to them. You'll never catch up. Feel like a leaf of a tree. Understand that at any second you can fall. Then
decide what to do with your life.
– Naomi Shihab Nye
What phrases to use to competently refuse?
So, if you still decide to say no, then you need to do it firmly and without hesitation. The following formulations are very suitable:
- “I refuse because... this will cause me a lot of inconvenience”;
- “I’m sure you can cope with this without my help”;
- “Now it will be extremely inconvenient for me to help with this”;
- “It looks like you just don’t want to bother yourself”;
- "No. To perform this work, it is better to contact ... (taxi driver, loader, plumber, etc.)"
- "I do not want to do this";
- "I don't have time for this."
So, these 7 formulations maintain the optimal balance between politeness and sufficient categoricalness, and at the same time, simple enough to refuse an inconvenient request. But in fact, what you say is not so important, what matters most is how. The main thing is that the confidence and firmness in your decision is obvious to the interlocutor, and his attempts to persuade you are not crowned with success.
I think this is all clear. Now let's look at a few important rules that will help you learn to refuse without experiencing moral discomfort.
Breakdown
Today it was Timur's turn. His theme: “I can’t say no” was close to many. Everyone was waiting for his story with interest.
— Tell us, Timur, how and why you ended up here.
- This h-h-happened unexpectedly. In fact, my wife was waiting for a place on this course. She has already been to this clinic several times. And not only in this... And then it hit me.
- What does “covered” mean? Can you describe in more detail?
“I’m usually very calm, patient, reasonable... And then I went off the rails.”
At work they gave me extra hours while my colleague was on maternity leave. The roof of the house is leaking, my wife has been asking me to fix it for a long time. And then the car broke down. We can't live without a car with such a large family. So I took on the car.
I bought spare parts, p-p-prepared the tools. As soon as I got to work, the director called. Another colleague is sick, we need to marry him too. I can't stand being interrupted while I'm working! Well, I think, okay, I’ll finish it calmly in the evening.
I returned home, turned on the light in the garage, opened the hood... My wife comes in:
“I thought you’d finally take care of the roof today!” They promised rain for the weekend, and it will rain again.
Here the daughter runs:
- Dad, I have a dance performance today, you promised to come.
- Grandfather, will you fix the car before nightfall? Will you pick us up after the disco? “Because Sanka’s father can’t do it today,” the eldest shouts from the window.
Before I had time to answer everyone, the phone in my pocket was ringing. F-f-friends are yelling into the phone, where have I gone, the floor needs to be re-laid, but without me the work doesn’t go on.
Well, that’s where I got shorted. He yelled at his wife and threw the wrench as hard as he could. Not only did he almost break through the car door, but he also bounced off and fell on his daughter’s leg. She's in tears. The wife squeals. My son came running in response to the screams, and I slapped him on the back of the head. From all this noise in the house, the kids woke up and also screamed.
I kicked everyone out of the garage... and then let’s destroy everything! I have this order there - everything has its own shelf, drawer, hook. Everything is thought out down to the details, made with your own hands. And I caused a real pogrom, I left no stone unturned. He scratched the car, injured his hand, hit his leg with a stool...
I don’t remember what happened next. My wife said when the door was opened, I was sitting on the floor, breathing heavily and holding my heart.
They called an ambulance and pumped him out. When I came to my senses and realized what I had done, I almost fell through the ground. What a shame! I didn't want to live. So my wife called the professor who led her last time here. The doctor said that she was still on pills, and I urgently needed to do something about it. If we both go to bed, who will look after the children? We have seven of them.
The room sighed sympathetically.
How to say no correctly: 5 simple rules
The ability to refuse correctly, in general, comes down to politely listening to the request, weighing everything, and saying no. However, in practice this is much more difficult to do than it seems, for the reasons that we have already discussed above. Therefore, let's learn a few simple rules that will help you not only learn how to refuse, but also do it in such a way as not to experience emotional discomfort. Start following them the next time you feel the need to refuse. So:
1. Take time to think
This way you don't say no right away, but you set the person up for the possibility that he might get rejected. During this time, he can select alternative options. It is especially important to take a break if the request takes you by surprise and you need to weigh the pros and cons in a calm environment. For example, knowing that you work in a hospital, a former classmate contacted you so that you could arrange an appointment with a doctor without waiting in line. But you work as an accountant and have nothing to do with doctors, and you don’t want to be obligated to anyone, because debt is worth paying. In this case, it is advisable to answer that you will think about it and respond tomorrow. A feeling of uncertainty will force the person asking to look for backup ways to resolve his issue.
2. Practice the little things.
Learn to say no, starting with small requests. Start training with people you can easily refuse. For example, an acquaintance asks him to give him a ride somewhere, but it’s not very convenient for you right now (or you don’t want to - that’s also a good reason). Start with him - refuse his request. Of course, you should do this without detriment to yourself: if you really want to help, then do it.
It’s not difficult to start saying no to loved ones because with them there is less risk of getting a feeling of guilt for refusing as a “bonus”. But if, nevertheless, the negative emotion could not be avoided, work through the refusal again, allow yourself to get used to defending your personal space and your interests.
3. Be persistent
You have learned to refuse, but the person does not hear you and gives his arguments why your no should turn into agreement. You tell him about your emotions, and in return he tells you how he feels and why he needs help. He can’t cope without you, you are his savior. Do not succumb to provocation , although it may not be such, and the person was simply surprised by your refusal, because until you learned to say “no” it was easy for him to be with you. If necessary, repeat several times and justify your refusal.
4. Offer alternatives
The feeling of guilt that arises after saying “no” is due to the fact that you are haunted by a feeling of betrayal. And in the role of a traitor - you. Learn to think correctly! You did not leave the person in a difficult situation if you offered him alternative options. A friend asks you to babysit your child? Give her the contact information of a trusted nanny. Does your neighbor want you to lend him money until tomorrow? Share the pawnshop's phone number with him. This is an excellent technique to “smooth out” the possible negativity from your first refusals.
5. Don't make excuses!
Spare yourself and the person asking from detailed explanations and stories about why you are telling him “no.” He is interested in the result, not your excuses. A skilled manipulator will be able to find pain points and press on them in the hope that your “no” will become less firm, and then completely turn into a “yes.” If you refuse, do not forget about education and correct wording. When they ask you to borrow money, do not say bluntly, “I won’t give it because I don’t believe that you will pay it back to me.” Or if you are invited to a concert, saying “I won’t go because I’m not interested in communicating with you” is rudeness. Be polite, but most importantly, learn to save your own body’s resources and do not waste energy on those who are used to getting their way by force or through moral pressure.
Here's a little summary of this important piece of information we just covered:
Psychologist's advice
The rules described above seem quite simple at first glance. But as soon as it comes to a real refusal, emotions come into play, the mind becomes clouded, and we again cannot squeeze out “no” in response to another request, contrary to our own interests and plans.
To prevent refusal from causing emotional discomfort, follow the advice of psychologists.
- Imagine that you have to answer not for yourself, but for a friend. According to psychologists, we are more willing to take care of loved ones than ourselves. Think about whether it will be convenient for your friend to fulfill the request, whether it will make it difficult for him. Only then make a decision and give an answer. If the provision of a service is unacceptable to you, then this technique will help you refuse without experiencing painful remorse.
- Tell the truth without embellishing it. Say directly that you are uncomfortable with the request or that you cannot do what is being asked of you well. An adequate person will immediately understand that he is burdening you with his request, and will look for other options. Well, the inadequate one will have to repeat it several times.
- Accepting rejection isn't easy. To soften it, it is best to use phrases like “this is not in my competence” or “unfortunately, I cannot help” instead of a categorical “no.” This will make it clear to the person that it is not about him, but about you.
- It will be easier to say “no” if fulfilling the request would cause you to break your obligations to your parents, loved one, or child. Before agreeing, think carefully about how difficult the request will be not only for you personally, but also for your loved ones.
- Don't come up with excuses that can become your trap. The feeling of shame that arises from refusal forces many people to make excuses. They begin to describe in detail the reasons for the refusal. As a result, your “no” begins to sound less and less convincing. If the interlocutor turns out to be a manipulator, then it will not be difficult for him to press on your pain points and put the squeeze on you in order to ultimately obtain consent.
We consolidate the acquired knowledge
Friends, if you want to continue to develop and take your communication skills with people to a new level, I recommend that you take the online course “Effective Communication” from the famous training platform “Vikium”. The course lasts 30 days, it includes 33 video lectures, 26 exercises, 6 tests.
This course will teach you:
- Manage your emotions
- Communicate more effectively with your surroundings
- Overcome difficult emotional situations
- Manage conflicts
- Understand the other person's feelings and thoughts on a deeper level
- Build harmonious relationships
The author of the course is Oleg Kalinichev. Expert in nonverbal behavior, emotional intelligence and lie detection. Accredited trainer PaulEkman International. Managing Director of PaulEkman International in Russia (PEI Russia).
Now let’s return to the topic of the article and discuss another important point.
Unusual sick leave
—Timur, how are you feeling? Are you ready to tell us about your problem?” the big-eyed girl psychotherapist asked sympathetically.
“I-I think so!” answered a strong middle-aged man. Timur's open face lit up with a modest smile. Despite the determined attitude, something betrayed excitement.
The handsome men's hands deliberately lay flat on their knees, but were clenched into fists. From time to time he unclenched them to wipe his sweaty palms on his jeans, and then his hands returned to their previous position.
And, of course, the telltale trembling of speech - not even a stutter, but rather a slight hesitation - always indicated a state of extreme agitation, anxiety or anxiety.
Timur trusted the people present in the room. These were his colleagues in misfortune - patients of the psychosomatic day clinic, who gathered here every day for 6-8 weeks.
They listened carefully to lectures on stress, insomnia, and depression, performed practical tasks on relaxation and concentration, learned to adequately perceive and describe their emotions and sensations, played sports and drawing, and talked with psychologists and social therapists. And once a week they gathered in this room to listen to the confession of one of the group members.
Is the ability to refuse a bad thing?
The main thing to remember is that saying no doesn't automatically make you a bad person. You will not become an unloving husband, a cruel colleague, an unfriendly neighbor. You are a person who has his own life, his own plans, interests, which at the moment contradict the request for help. And this is not a confrontation at all - this is the normal state of affairs.
Helping of our own free will, we feel comfortable, but if we have to step over ourselves, give up our plans, irritation grows inside , bordering on self-doubt. How many times have you reproached yourself for not learning how to refuse correctly? Or wanted to say no, but agreed to help instead?
Remember that simply learning to say “no” is not enough - it is important to feel confident and calm when doing so. And understanding that saying no is not a bad thing is an important step towards getting rid of the internal discomfort when you say “no” to someone.
Consequences of trouble-free behavior
Regardless of the reason, failure-free behavior does not bring anything good.
Constant waste of energy and time on completely unnecessary things. There is a catastrophic lack of time for personal development and interests. Fatigue becomes a constant companion. Opportunities are missed.
A feeling of guilt that inevitably arises if for some reason it is impossible to fulfill what was promised. In addition, there is a possibility of gaining fame as an extremely unreliable person.
By constantly indulging others, there is a high probability that consumerism will become the norm for others. The number of requests will inevitably grow and take even more effort and time. In addition, agreeing to help will be taken for granted.
Fear of communication: tips and examples on how to get rid of it
