How does hatred manifest itself?
All people are different.
They differ in upbringing, worldview and outlook on life. And it’s not always possible to find a common language. In such situations, hatred creeps into the soul. How does it manifest itself? Most often in anger and aggression. A person begins to scream, swear, and sometimes commit actions that he later regrets. Revenge is one of the most common manifestations of hatred. A person can do very indecent things out of spite, for example, falsify documents, persuade other people, and even deliberately ruin life. How to stop hating people? This is a difficult task. After all, hatred is a multifaceted feeling, and it can be difficult to overcome it within yourself. If a person is well brought up, then at least outwardly he will remain calm. After all, screaming and swearing have never helped solve problems. It is not difficult to remove external symptoms of hatred; self-control exercises will help. But you shouldn’t limit yourself to eliminating the consequences; you always need to get to the bottom of the cause.
Who do people hate?
A person never experiences strong feelings just like that. After all, in order to hate someone, you need a good reason. Most often, loved ones hurt the soul. It is they who are chosen as objects of hatred. Men and women can hate their ex-lovers. And it would seem strange that yesterday’s object of adoration today causes disgust. But this happens all the time. People come together on the basis of closeness of spirit, but diverge due to misunderstandings or because they cannot fulfill their obligations.
Close relatives often become targets of hatred. Children may have conflicting feelings towards their parents. Why is this happening? Because the parents did not give the child enough love, tenderness and affection. Or maybe the child wanted to get an education in economics, but they decided for him that it was better to go to study to become a doctor. Brothers may hate their sisters because they received too much love. Simple jealousy sometimes destroys families forever.
Colleagues are also often not known for their restraint of feelings. They hate a successful young man who was able to climb the career ladder higher in a year than they could in ten years.
How to stop hating people? It is worth accepting that everyone has their own ambitions, characters and views on life. There is no need to try to change those around you. It's easier to reconsider your own views. In each specific case, you need to ask yourself a simple question: why? Why do you hate this person? And if you look deeper into your soul, you will definitely find the answer.
Self-hatred - and no compromises. How do people with borderline personality disorder live?
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is considered one of the most difficult mental disorders to treat.
The International Classification of Diseases identifies the following symptoms of BPD:
- disorder of self-perception, goals and internal aspirations;
- chronic feeling of emptiness;
- tendency to become involved in tense and unstable interpersonal relationships
- self-destructive behavior, including suicidal gestures and attempts.
Sounds not fun, right? The disorder is difficult to treat; psychotherapy is the main remedy.
We talked to two girls who were diagnosed about how they live with BPD, and asked a psychotherapist how to help such people.
Lyuba, 26 years old, IT specialist, Germany
— How are you feeling now?
“My condition is difficult to describe in one word. In general, I have more than one mental illness. There are problems with borderline personality disorder and anorexia, but otherwise I am stable - thanks to medications and psychotherapy.
— Before the conversation, I asked you to express the essence of BPD in one phrase. Your answer is the inability to build relationships. How does this manifest itself?
— I cannot be stable in any relationship: romantic, friendly, work. I can't see everything in an adequate light because I only see black and white. Either everything is great, or everything is very bad, and this changes instantly. If today I idealize a person and I develop an unhealthy dependence on him, then tomorrow it can go away with the snap of a finger, because of nonsense: I said something wrong, did something wrong - and immediately became enemy number one. Or it becomes suddenly boring. The first crush passes, and when everyone else’s normal relationships begin, they end for me.
— Is chasing passions a way to correct emotional instability?
— No, rather, emotions are like drugs for us. People with BPD often use alcohol and drugs, are often addicted to adrenaline and other addictive things - we want to fill ourselves with some emotions, but not because you are unstable, but because you don’t have these emotions. You feel an emptiness inside and you shove everything there: different people, some activities, alcohol, etc.
— What type of therapy are you undergoing to adapt to BPD?
— Now I’m changing psychotherapist. I am changing cognitive behavioral psychotherapy to the emotional subtype of cognitive behavioral therapy, that is, I will learn to work with emotions.
— Is there stigmatization of mentally ill people in Germany? How do your friends react when they find out that you have a disorder?
— In Germany there is no stigmatization, but my Russian colleagues also know about this and are loyal.
I'm generally a fan of fighting stigma. I don’t hesitate to talk about the fact that I have mental illnesses; all my colleagues and friends know this. At conferences within the company, I read reports on mental illness and try to educate as many people as possible. In particular, that’s why I’m giving this interview, to remove the stigma of the disease. I want people who know me as a successful person, or don’t know, but in principle understand that I am a successful person - I work in a large company, get good money, live in a separate apartment - to realize: people with mental illness can achieve much, this is not the end of life.
— What would be challenging in a relationship for the partner of someone with BPD?
— I say without embellishment: everything will be difficult: from everyday trifles to relationships in general. It's difficult for me to talk about this topic as I have never had a successful long term relationship except for my only one and that was with a narcissist that lasted 2.5 years. A person with narcissistic personality disorder will always be attracted to a person with BPD. Our disorders complemented each other very harmoniously. And unfortunately, they tormented both of us. But as a fact, it was the longest union. I have never done this with healthy people. Therefore, I cannot give any advice here and, to be honest, I would like to receive it myself.
— One of the symptoms is identity disorder. How does it feel?
— It feels like you have no personality, no habits of your own. Until I was 25, I didn’t even know what I liked to eat. Living with a person, I adapted to his eating habits and daily routine. If I live with an owl, then I lie down and get up like an owl, and vice versa. Now I live alone, and it’s very difficult for me. It often happens that I cannot occupy myself with anything. Panic sets in, because I can’t be alone, I just feel bad alone with myself. In this regard, I have many friends and acquaintances with whom I spend time.
— Are you trying to fill yourself with other people?
- Not other people, but parts of the personalities of others. You just don't have your own personality and tear off pieces from everyone else. Therefore, I often adapt to people, I behave in such a way that they are pleased. Essentially, these are unconscious manipulations. Now I work a lot with a psychotherapist and understand better when I am manipulating. And I stop it.
— Can you find positive aspects of BPD?
- No (laughs). There is definitely nothing good about this. Everyone thinks it's so cool because you're so eccentric and unusual. But it's terrible and makes you suffer. And seeing others suffer because of you, you suffer even more. Living with BPD is possible, but it is hard. Psychotherapy is definitely needed. Medicines do not help here, except to calm you down during exacerbations.
Anya (name changed), 22 years old, Russia
— What is your mental state at the moment?
— Now the situation is in limbo. Anxiety takes its toll. But sometimes you manage to look “from the outside,” and then things don’t look so bad.
— Are you afraid of stigmatization, have you encountered it?
- Yes. Since childhood, I have felt alienated. I still don’t accept my impulsiveness and sudden aggression, but I grew up in a constant feeling of guilt. When I am frank with people and share my experiences, I appear to them to be soft-hearted, lazy, as if I had invented something for myself to arouse pity. This is what it looks like from the outside, and it causes even more self-hatred.
— When did you realize that something was wrong? How was the official diagnosis made?
- After school. Before that, there was a dark period: I didn’t know what to do with myself, I deliberately looked for danger, got involved with bad people, walked alone at night - just so that something would happen to me. I was just lost.
But one day I attended a lecture “The Phenomenon of Suicide in Philosophy and Psychology,” which was given by a practicing psychotherapist. The topic was close to me. I often thought about suicide during exacerbations. After the lecture, I decided to go to the doctor, but I couldn’t find the right words - I started crying, but at the same time I felt that this particular person knew what was happening to me. He understood everything and handed me a business card, asking me to contact him. I was pleased by his responsiveness.
It was not possible to make an appointment with him right away due to his busy schedule. Full of shame for myself and self-hatred, I went to another “specialist.” At the first appointment, he pointed out to me how, according to him, I was behaving inappropriately, and was generally arrogant. I wasn’t surprised then, because I was already used to being guilty. But now it makes me wildly angry that such people aggravate the situation of patients who had difficulty deciding to be frank. I’m not talking now about his skills as a specialist, because he was the one who gave me the diagnosis, but emotional pressure here is unacceptable. The diagnosis helped me be more attentive to my condition.
— How does your disorder affect your interactions with people?
- Oh, I’m one of those quiet “border guards” who have all their experiences inside. In appearance I am welcoming and friendly, everyone is used to seeing me cheerful. This makes it even harder for me, but the fear of being alone leads to complete confusion. It’s like I’m a nobody if no one is around, and it doesn’t matter who that “someone” is: he may not be close to me at all. Therefore, in my circle there are many friends who are not similar to each other. And that's why I allow myself to be neglected.
My emotional state changes easily. The morning can start with depressive thoughts, then I get distracted and find joy, then - in an instant - I fly into a rage, I can’t control myself, I behave defiantly, loudly, and get into trouble.
People are pleasant to me, they arouse my sincere interest. From a distance, I can be happy for them, I accept everyone as they are. This is how I attract people. But if you want to get to know me better, it will take time for trust to arise between us. Because by default I see those around me as offenders, I think up nasty things for them, and I am extremely suspicious. And I hate this about myself too.
— Have you done self-harm?
— Auto-aggression is also a form of self-harm. There was also alcohol, drugs, a deliberately destructive lifestyle, relationships with people who torment you. I hit myself on the head, I hit walls to punish myself.
— How do you adapt? Are you in therapy?
— During a difficult period, I went to a psychotherapist, he said that we would just talk. Along the way, I took tests, tracked my condition, shared my secrets and found support, for which I am very grateful. He recommended literature on my topic, and after studying it, I gained hope for recovery.
Now I don’t go to appointments, but I already know how to cope with what used to be terrifying. Step by step I am moving towards transformation.
— What is most important to you about working with BPD?
- The ability to separate your destructive feelings from reality. Understanding that my perception is limited and often to my detriment. I've just started, there's still a lot to learn. Because it’s very difficult to distinguish this, you can’t read something like this in a book and you won’t understand: “Oh, that’s how it is, now I’ll know.”
— How will you know that you have recovered?
“The moments when I felt like myself, felt uplifted and energetic, were the highest happiness for me. So when I accept myself and express myself freely, I will know that I have succeeded.
Expert comment:
Yuri Kalmykov, psychotherapist, candidate of medical sciences
Borderline personality disorder is not a death sentence. This can rarely be said about mental illnesses; it is always possible to provide minimal support to people with them. It all depends on the severity of the disorder: in mild cases, people learn to live with it themselves, adapt intuitively or by reading special literature, and provide self-help. In severe cases, it is impossible to do without the intervention of a specialist.
The main constructive skill for BPD patients is the ability to see the undertones of life, to see compromises, and not just extremes. The romantic partner of a person with BPD may be advised to be more tolerant of their partner's personal boundaries. It is important not to take on the role of a specialist, but simply to be there, especially in difficult moments.
Self-hatred
People often beat themselves up.
There are individuals who practice this on an ongoing basis. And, as a result, they develop self-hatred. It is impossible to get rid of this feeling without understanding its true cause. Why does a person hate himself? Because in his own eyes he seems pitiful and insignificant. But this is unnatural. Most likely, these thoughts were inspired by others. After all, it is easy to manage a person with low self-esteem. People can hate themselves for failure. In life there are not only white, but also black stripes. During such periods, everything falls out of hand and nothing can be done. It can all start with a trifle, for example, with a burnt scrambled egg or runaway coffee. Further, a depressed person may disgrace himself at a meeting or, due to forgetfulness, fail to submit a project on time. After this, the authorities will definitely reprimand you. In this situation, if a person does not pull himself together, he will scold himself for weakness, laziness and irresponsibility.
You can hate yourself for your actions. Each of us has done things that are embarrassing to remember. For example, a person could make an evil joke at the expense of a friend or commit an inappropriate prank. This act is followed by repentance, and if there is no one to express it to, people begin to hate themselves. After all, this is easier to do than to accept the situation as it is.
Why do you hate yourself and your life?
The reasons for the appearance of a negative emotional attitude towards oneself lie in deep psychological trauma:
- Childhood psychological trauma - when parents constantly compare a child with other children, deep complexes develop, which degenerate over time into a feeling of self-hatred;
- Biased assessment of one's shortcomings - fixation on shortcomings leads to a state of aggression towards oneself and the aggravation of this state. Overweight people eat away at their problems, drinkers increase their dose of alcohol, and those who are unsure of themselves stutter even more;
- Intrapersonal conflicts - when a person abandons his inner desires and beliefs in favor of the demands of others and society, a deep intrapersonal conflict arises. This state is ideal soil for the emergence of hatred of one’s life and self-rejection.
Hatred for loved ones
Breaking up is always hard.
It is impossible to get used to this or develop immunity. Each time will be like the first. Why do lovers begin to hate each other after breaking up? Popular wisdom says that from love to hate there is only one step. And it is true. The fact is that lovers cannot sincerely admit to each other what annoys them or does not suit them. Thus, grievances accumulate. They find a way out in disagreements. When lovers quarrel, they can hurt each other with caustic remarks that would not sound so offensive under other circumstances. Soon people make peace, but the resentment does not go away. It accumulates in the soul and will definitely come up during the next disagreement. Soon a person begins to hate his soul mate. That's why people disperse. At the same time, mutual grievances and reproaches flow in a torrent. How to stop hating the person who offended you? You need to understand his point of view. People always know the reason for their actions, but sometimes it is not obvious. You need to put yourself in the shoes of the offender and think about why he treated you poorly. And believe me, if you think carefully, you can find many reasons.
Character is plastic
Millions of poems, novels, films and other fruits of human thought are devoted to hatred, like love. The opposite of the most beautiful feeling corrodes not only the soul, but also the flesh - it has long been known that the cause of many illnesses is the negativity that we accumulate in ourselves or sow into the surrounding space. We know from childhood that hating is bad, being aggressive is harmful, but when hatred - a hateful feeling (and here there are no tautologies anywhere) - comes, we cannot control ourselves and stop smoldering or getting excited, surrendering to it completely and even enjoying it savoring a person's .
Perhaps you are a misanthrope. Maybe you are the most humane humanist in general, but at the same time you are not able to stop hating a certain person . The important thing is that you can see the problem. Thousands of people live with hatred without even thinking about getting rid of it. Many people are unaware that a predatory feeling has long settled inside them, thanks to which they are one of the causes of world troubles. You have already done half the work by seeing the negative in yourself and deciding to overcome it.
The remaining fifty percent are steps towards understanding how to stop hating and working hard on yourself. You may have heard that we cannot change ourselves, that our existing character is forever, etc. This is all complete nonsense! A character that has already been formed just means that you need to work harder. We are Homo Sapiens, and the mind provides the opportunity for meaningful self-control. Even if from love to hate it is only one step, but on the contrary – ten, twenty, or even a hundred, consider it a pleasant walk back to a bright feeling.
Experts' opinion
What do psychologists say about hatred?
Experts say that this is an innate feeling. After all, without him, people would not truly understand what love is. After all, it is by contrasting one feeling with another that a person can appreciate his environment. But if hatred is innate, then why fight it? But laziness, as we know, is born before a person. The point is that whatever the feeling, good or bad, it needs to be recognized and controlled. People live in a society and they need to be able to obey its laws. How to stop hating the person who betrayed you? Psychologists unanimously agree that we need to forgive. Difficult? Yes, but hatred will not bring anything good to anyone. But the fact of betrayal can no longer be changed. Therefore, you need to accept and let go of the situation. Well, yes, it was, but now you understand people better and do not let a person approach you who does not deserve your trust.
Childhood
Since childhood, I felt that I was different from everyone else. My mother always compared me to cheerful, sociable children. She held them up as an example and said that I would be of no use. I was sure that my mother considered me insignificant. She doesn't hear, doesn't listen, doesn't understand me.
And most of all the phrases that killed me:
- Everything is like my father, his nature.
- Father's worthless scum.
I took all her words to heart. From childhood I began to hate myself, my body and the understanding that I was some kind of freak in this world.
I keep going back to the past. I remember everything and feel the same sharp pain as if it were yesterday, and I hate myself for past mistakes.
It was always difficult for me to be surrounded by my peers. My shyness and lack of self-confidence made it difficult to communicate. I was an outcast at school. The nickname “schmozhnitsa” stuck to me. I was constantly bullied for any reason. They took away my briefcase, humiliated me, and beat me. I cried, but they had fun. They made fun of my pain.
At first I complained to my mother, but she was always convinced that it was all my fault. She believed anyone, just not me.
It became clear to me that it was useless to complain. It is pointless to look for support, help and sympathy from someone. I just endured all the bullying. I cried while walking home from school. I was in so much pain. Why did everything happen like this? Why have I been classified as trash all my life? Why did they beat you and call you names? For what? Okay, outwardly it was not a success. But is that why they hate you?
Why do I hate myself
My school years gave me a complete feeling of my insignificance. How to stop hating yourself because of your appearance after all the humiliation and torment you have endured? I didn't know.
I believed that getting rid of the body meant starting a free life. It’s good that I realized in time that I was wrong.
Man is soul and body. There cannot be a soul without a body. But there may be a body without a soul, incapable of any action - a dead body, an empty shell.
You can understand what happens to the soul after suicide from the video:
I consciously wanted to be attractive, interesting, cheerful, and open. Because they loved them, they were friends with them. They weren't alone. I dreamed of being like others. But something in me got the better of me, and I went deeper and deeper into myself, into the resulting emptiness and filled it with myself, again and again running into the wall of hopelessness and despair. I didn't know what exactly I wanted.
I met myself
When I met the real me, and not the one invented by my mother, classmates, acquaintances, it was as if I woke up from a long painful sleep. I woke up to a completely new life.
I found out that I am a sound engineer. It’s difficult for a sound artist to be like everyone else, because everything that interests others—what to wear, where to go for entertainment, what’s best to eat—is secondary to him. For him, inner peace is much more important.
Of particular importance to a sound artist is a meaningful sense of life. He needs to know why he came into this world. He is looking for answers to the question of the meaning of life, a way out of the impasse of meaninglessness.
Being an introvert, he withdraws even more into himself when relationships with peers do not work out. In a state of depression, reinforced by humiliations and insults from childhood, a sound person may begin to hate himself, his appearance, his body, and the entire physical world. But the reason for his serious conditions is not at all in his appearance.
When Yuri Burlan talked about the sound vector, he talked about me. As if he had been there all these years and knew what was happening to me. All the husks in the form of traumatic situations that had stuck to me over many years fell away. And I finally understood what unconscious desires my soul was stumbling over in search of its Self.
Are anger and hatred the same thing?
Not all people can understand the feelings they experience. Therefore, hatred is often confused with anger. And some even consider these concepts synonymous. Is it so? No. After all, anger is a feeling that a person experiences in a specific situation. For example, a friend made a bad joke on you. What will you do? Get angry. But you can’t hate a person because he has a bad sense of humor. If a friend is understanding, then he will not make fun of you anymore. Hatred accumulates. A single incident is not enough for it to arise in the soul. A person needs to make a mistake at least three times for you to truly hate him.
How to behave with people you hate?
You shouldn't show your feelings in public.
It's not pretty and doesn't benefit anyone. Therefore, you need to treat a person you hate as if you were a distant acquaintance. You need to greet him and maintain a normal conversation. Coolness is a trait of kings. Why does the object of your hatred need to know that you care about him? That's right, there's no need. Try not to express your hostility, but rather, completely overcome it in your heart. How to stop hating people? In each specific case, you need to learn to put yourself in someone else’s place. If you can’t do this, try mentally “going out onto the balcony.” What does it mean? It is necessary to step back from the situation and look at it from the outside.
How to stop hating someone
You need to understand that if you have strong feelings for someone, it means that you care about the person.
Most likely, you cannot come to terms with some of his qualities or actions. What to do if you hate a person? We need to understand the reason. If you don't like how active your business partner is, you may be jealous of him and worry that he invests more in the business than you. Talk to your friend and explain your feelings to him. Next time he will entrust you with holding an important conference or going to a meeting with customers. Do you hate your lover because he maintains a warm relationship with his ex-girlfriend? Perhaps she is beautiful, smart and purposeful, and you are simply afraid of losing your boyfriend. How to stop thinking about the person you hate? Need a distraction. After you forgive the person, you need to switch your thoughts in a different direction. You should go to the cinema, to the skating rink or to a cafe with friends.
When analyzing advice and opinions on how to stop hating yourself, it is definitely worth mentioning the fact of raising self-esteem. Only weak people can be offended by themselves and others. Strong personalities do not hold hatred against anyone. After all, there is no point in accumulating grievances that will subsequently poison the soul.
Why do I hate myself?
“I hate myself” is a sadly common critical inner voice that people of all ages struggle with. Where then do such thoughts come from? In their research, Dr. Robert and Lisa Firestone found that these thoughts originate in negative life situations. As we age, how others see us and treat us shapes how we see ourselves. Harmful views directed at us by parents or other influencers shape our self-image. Just as our parents' positive attitude toward us can lead to increased self-esteem and self-confidence, their more critical attitude can do the exact opposite.
The point here is not to blame the parents. However, it is important to understand that no parent, or person for that matter, is perfect. Parents face a difficult struggle when they have children as painful feelings arise from their own past. Therefore, they may react inappropriately or critically towards their children in times of stress. Moreover, the critical feelings that parents have about themselves are often encountered by their children and then internalized by the child. For example, if we had a parent who often acted as if we were a nuisance, constantly reassured us, or even just felt tense in our presence, we may feel that we are anxious. We may become overly shy or apologetic in our adult lives, become complacent in our careers, or adopt a submissive attitude in our relationships.
How to stop hating everyone
Does it seem incredible that an absolutely normal person can become angry at the whole world?
But this happened to everyone. You may be late for an important meeting, and as luck would have it, there are only traffic jams on the road. When you finally get to the office and decide that it’s faster to take the elevator to the 10th floor, the lifting mechanism breaks down. Well, naturally, when you arrive at a meeting after such troubles, you will begin to hate the whole world. Although, in fact, no one is to blame for the failures. How to stop hating people around you in such a situation? It is worth understanding that everything always happens for the better. Perhaps your delay allowed your partner to speak, who coped with the task very well. It should be understood that people cannot influence some events. In these situations, you need to relax and reconcile yourself, because there is nothing else left, so why bother yourself once again? How to stop hating others if people irritate you with their stupidity? You need to understand that every person is an expert in his or her field. And if you are a programmer, you don’t need to expect amazing insight from those around you in modeling computer games. You, too, are not fluent in 10 languages, and your knowledge of economics and law leaves much to be desired, but this does not annoy your acquaintances. Treat people with respect.
