Guilt complex
It is a collective concept denoting a pathological reaction of a psycho-emotional nature in response to the emergence of a critical opinion regarding an act committed by a person.
More common in females. This happens because of their excessive emotionality. The feeling of guilt leads to constant suffering, frequent depression, and self-company. If we consider this condition in males, then unlike women, they try to shift the blame onto someone else, but not themselves. Therefore, they develop this complex much less often.
A guy with a guilt complex, like females, will not be happy, being in a constant need to make amends.
This condition can develop against the background of idealization in society of “correct” models of behavior. A person may see that he is not an ideal husband or is not good enough as a mother, the child is not as successful as others, does not study well, does not obey - he begins to blame himself for his failure.
Another impetus for the formation of the syndrome is strong emotions experienced in childhood. You were punished because of some offenses, you were shamed.
A person with such a complex is easy to manipulate. It is beneficial to others. Because of his reluctance to do wrong, he will return home on time, despite his needs, and will invite friends, despite his poor health.
Psychology notes that feelings of guilt are not typical for mentally ill people. We can say that it is remorse, increased demands on oneself, and a feeling of excessive responsibility.
It pushes you to make a decision
When a manipulator needs something from you, he will push you to make a decision at lightning speed. Because the less time you have, the less you will think about possible negative consequences. As a result, in order to get benefits, the manipulator will force you to say “Yes” within a minute. But in the end you will regret this decision. So don't give in to pressure and don't make decisions without thinking.
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Reasons for development
The guilt complex may begin in childhood
- Upbringing. The child is instilled with a critical attitude towards his actions.
- Opinions of others. A person constantly compares himself with others, tries to conform to the norms accepted in society.
- Temperament type. Melancholic people more often than others suffer from feelings of guilt due to their suspiciousness and excessive softness.
- Severe stress. Often a feeling of guilt develops if you have harmed another person in the past and continue to torment yourself for many years.
Causes of personal self-blame
A huge number of people constantly think about their personal past actions and the correctness of their decisions. Such actions are often constructive, but sometimes people seem to be “stuck” in the past, which prevents the normal construction of the future.
The advantage of the tendency to analyze past actions is the conclusions that follow from past mistakes and help prevent new, similar mistakes.
Often, such soul-searching can transform into destructive self-accusation, which does not carry constructive conclusions. This is considered an immature psychological position.
Self-condemnation is disapproval of one’s own actions, accompanied by self-aggression, lasting for a long period. Initially, it grows mainly from a feeling of shame or guilt generated by some kind of misconduct. Sometimes people blame themselves for inaction.
Self-criticism is considered the most destructive mental process. Therefore, the question of how to stop blaming yourself for mistakes does not lose its relevance.
Among the reasons that provoke self-condemnation are, first of all, psychological immaturity, which comes from an erroneous parental pattern of upbringing, when parents overdo it with accusatory speeches addressed to the child, reproaching him for his actions. Such psychological pressure provokes the development of an inner voice that continues to constantly criticize the baby for mistakes and blame. Which leads to the emergence of an internal dialogue consisting of a criticizing part and an justifying part. Growing up, such children are prone to excessive self-criticism and justification.
Self-blame usually occurs in situations where a person begins to believe that a behavioral pattern does not correspond to the far-fetched image of his ideal self.
Often self-condemnation is deliberately demonstrative. By such actions, the individual hopes for goodwill and a positive attitude. The emphasis on self-blame is often due to the social desirability of such actions, since specific conditions provide for the reactions of self-flagellation. Demonstrative self-condemnation can also acquire manipulative features. A person, demonstrating ostentatious “inner pain,” expects leniency.
Reproaching themselves for mistakes, making mistakes, promiscuity, manifestation of vicious addictions, lack of obligation, cowardice, inconsistency, laziness, people seem to let go of their “sins” on their own, calm down and continue to behave in the same way. You can spend your entire existence “grinding” over your own inadequacy, spending time on unconstructive self-flagellation, while remaining in the same position on the path of personal self-development.
Blaming is always a dismissal of responsibility, even when it takes the form of self-condemnation. By loudly or mentally reproaching oneself, a person instantly absolves himself of all “sins”, without making any attempts to correct shameful behavior, mistakes, inaction, or display of negative personality traits. Moreover, having added self-deception, the individual, having cursed himself with the “last” words, mentally shifted responsibility to the environment, evil fate, the machinations of ill-wishers, bad luck, bad climate, unfortunate heredity.
A person cannot stop blaming himself for everything, because then he will have to take responsibility on his own shoulders and begin to take certain steps to correct what he has done.
Self-blame is a ritual of feigned suffering, by performing which you can get rid of the oppressive feeling of guilt. People prone to self-flagellation are also prone to self-justification, self-deception and cannot stop blaming others.
Characteristic signs
- Shyness. In society, such a person is timid and shows excessive modesty. Afraid of harming or offending someone, he does not express his opinion.
- Excessive concern. This is how parents try to make amends when they feel that they could not give the child everything he needed at a certain point in his life.
- Indecisiveness. It is difficult for a person to make a choice, because there is a fear of making a mistake and being guilty of someone, offending someone with his decision.
- Sensitivity. Such people may be characterized by strong tearfulness, both about what was said to them and when they are generally dissatisfied with themselves.
The habit of blaming ourselves - we are looking for “roots”. Historical reference.
Good day, dear reader!
I would like to immediately thank my student who emphasized this idea in our conversation. He asked me: “Why should I encourage and praise myself, and not blame? After all, they always scold you in order to show what you are doing wrong, so that you can correct it and do it well!”
The phrase was heard in the context of a conversation in which we were talking about the habit of blaming ourselves for everything - for an unfinished task, figure, unbrushed teeth, overeating, etc., etc. I talked about how praise works much better for us than insult. Positive motivation than negative. But, my opponent (opponent, thank you again! :)) strongly noted that everyone does this (blame, scold themselves) - parents, bosses, etc. And, they say, this is how it’s supposed to be, how could it be otherwise?!
I agree, this is almost always done and it is really extremely difficult to oppose something to such an argument, but! Perhaps the majority are mistaken? I don’t have delusions of grandeur and I don’t consider my thoughts to be the “truth in the first instance” :) Read below)
So there you go! When we consider the psychology of an individual (human), we rely on many facts and history
formation of personal characteristics, including. As we already know, our personality is greatly influenced by our parents and loved ones, but they, too, were once influenced by someone! For example, our grandparents, and who are they? Great-grandparents! And on them?... i.e. This is an endless chain in which certain behavioral stereotypes are developed, determined by historical factors. So there you go! The Slavic peoples have a very difficult history, and in general, the history of all peoples is difficult. I will rely on the historical facts of my country, because... I know them better than others. In our history one can find a large number of examples of negative motivation of people to take actions. Moreover, over long periods of time, which means they had time to be assimilated by our ancestors and subsequently passed on from generation to generation. Vivid examples are the Mongol-Tatar yoke, or serfdom. After all, the peasant at that time did not own anything, which means there was nothing to increase and try. Nothing depended on his desire to work to improve his well-being and positive motivation. His productivity did not in any way affect his well-being (how many bags of grain he was entitled to, he received that much, even if he worked 2 times more. But if he did not work, he was always “rewarded” with deprivation and punishment) and, as a conclusion: he did not see the point get up in the morning and do the job with maximum efficiency, and therefore the landowner constantly had to urge and push his worker to take action, because he (the owner) was interested in the result. And, by the way, the most prosperous estates were those in which the peasants were treated with more respect and attention than in others. Why? Yes, because this already fell into the category of positive motivation.
Tired of historical information? :)
Well, now let's return to our... realities.
When someone
accuses you,
says that you are not doing this or that well enough, that you could be quicker, smarter, etc.
Do you like it?
Does this motivate you to perform an action with joy, enthusiasm and full dedication? Do you immediately have a desire to work and improve, or does a reaction of resistance flare up first?
Here it is advisable to give monosyllabic answers and... I think I know the answer.
Looking ahead, I’ll ask: why are you constantly cursing yourself and slowing down your actions?
Well, if we return to the argument: “Why should I encourage myself and not blame myself, because they always scold me in order to show what you are doing wrong and so that you can correct it and do it well!” And also to this phrase: “But my opponent pointedly noted that everyone does this and, they say, this is how it’s supposed to be, how could it be otherwise?!” - as you can see from all of the above, the majority can also be mistaken in their reactions, simply because they unconsciously follow a historically established stereotype of behavior. Everyone decides for himself whether to follow his own path or follow the majority. Perhaps the time has come for you to make this choice, and even change the course of historically established rules of behavior. Who, if not you, can do this?! :)
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Feeling guilty is sometimes just convenient
- The husband feels guilty when his mother calls and asks him to come to her because she is very ill. He drops everything and immediately runs to her. Perhaps every family has faced a similar situation. Oddly enough, in most cases this is just a way of manipulation, a reluctance to be left alone, although you may really feel unwell. Unfortunately, our children grow up, create their own families, forget about those who gave him life, and rarely visit.
- A man continues to live with an unloved woman, does not want to leave her, arguing this with a feeling of guilt. In fact, such a person is simply afraid of being alone and justifies himself in this way.
- It is convenient for a person to consider himself guilty instead of analyzing his actions and trying to actively move through life.
Why do you need guilt?
If the feeling of guilt is so harmful to humans, then why did it appear on the path of evolution at all?
Guilt is good for society. It is a social limiter, it does not allow people to self-destruct. Imagine what would happen to us without guilt? Everyone does and says what they want! But anger and rage have not been canceled! Why, people would quarrel and destroy each other in the initial stages of development.
How to get rid
“I feel guilty and don’t know how to deal with it” - if this question torments you, I suggest you listen to the following advice.
- Determine what triggers the development of feelings of guilt.
- There is no need to dwell on what happened; it is better to analyze the current situation so as not to make similar mistakes in the future.
- You shouldn’t give in to other people’s opinions and agree with your guilt if you don’t think so.
- Stop trying to conform to what is generally accepted in society. Don’t try to imitate someone, remain yourself, take into account your desires.
- If you really did something wrong, ask for forgiveness. You will see, you will immediately feel better. The main thing is that it is not feigned, but said from the heart.
- If it is very difficult to deal with some situation on your own, and the feeling of guilt gnaws at you, then you need to share it with someone close and ask for advice.
- If “always guilty” sounds like you, then you need to conduct a full analysis of the events that happened to you in the past, most likely in childhood. Here you can seek help from a psychologist or talk to your parents.
- If you don’t want to share your experiences with other people, then try to write everything down on a piece of paper. Throw out all your emotions, deal with what is eating you.
- A girl or male must be aware of her mistakes and learn from them in order to avoid situations in the future that will cause her to feel guilty.
- You must understand that when people think you are guilty, this is not always true. Sometimes friends may be offended by certain actions simply because you refused them. But they did it thinking about themselves, and not in order to harm anyone.
- Stop looking at the past, think about your future. Every person has had situations for which they later became ashamed. But there is no need to engage in self-flagellation.
- Ask another person’s opinion about what happened; you don’t have to specify that it happened to you.
- Realize that not everything can be controlled. Man is capable of making mistakes. You just need to take it easier and apologize when you do something wrong.
Now you know how to stop criticizing yourself for any mistakes. Believe me, life without such a burden is much easier. A constant feeling of guilt makes you an unhappy person and creates an inferiority complex. If you are unable to cope with the current situation on your own, you can always turn to loved ones or specialists for help. You cannot remain inactive, otherwise you will worsen your condition.
Racket feelings or Why do I feel guilty all the time or am constantly offended?
Racket feelings arise and are internalized in early childhood, replacing other - true feelings that were unresolved and suppressed.
For example, at home it was not customary to express anger openly, then it can be replaced by resentment or a feeling of guilt for feeling angry.
Racket feelings are part of a life script (a life plan drawn up by a child in childhood - for example, to remain alone).
They trigger scripted behavior (behavior that implements this life plan), and unconsciously.
They can be tracked in stressful situations, they arise first and are closely related to life position. For example, if a feeling of resentment arises, that is, we are trying to blame someone else for what happened, then the life position will be I am good, and You are bad, or I am OK, You are not OK.
And if guilt arises, and a person thinks “this always happens to me, not like other people,” then the life position will be I am bad (not everything is okay with me), You are good (I am not OK, You are OK).
Racket feelings will allow a person to achieve those strokes (that attention) to which he is accustomed, in order to confirm his scripted beliefs. And the script belief could be, for example, the following: “People only pay attention to me when I behave badly.” Such attention is better than no attention.
For example, if a child in childhood was often scolded and told what a bad boy he was, and he felt guilty, then he will then unconsciously create situations where he will feel guilty in order to receive negative stroking (at least such attention), confirming the script belief and his life position that he is bad.
Racket feelings can be the following:
- shame,
- guilt,
- resentment,
- anger,
- fear,
they are connected to the past. The use of racket feelings is associated with decisions made in childhood and with the behavior patterns of significant others of the same sex.
People accumulate these feelings that they do not express, that is, they collect coupons and then distribute them, and the strength of the reaction does not coincide with the situation. For example, a person was angry for a long time, accumulated this feeling, and then he “broke through” and he had a strong fight with another person over a trifle.
People also hoard situations that confirm their self-image in order to give away their coupons. They remember only those situations where, for example, they felt bad and experienced racketeering feelings, and other situations are filtered out.
There is also racketeering thinking, which causes unpleasant feelings, increases the intensity of passions with the help of which a person overwhelms himself, experiences despair and obsessive thoughts, using this to manipulate internal experiences.
Thus, the racketeering system forms a vicious circle of scripted beliefs, racketeering feelings, racketeering behavior, thinking, fantasies, and reinforcing memories.
It is very important to begin to realize true emotions, restore the lost connection with actions, learn to express them verbally and manage them. In this regard, it is necessary to become emotionally literate in order not only to be aware of your feelings, but also to know what caused them, so that you have a choice of what to do about it!
Emotional blackmail
When the manipulator realizes that all the rounds are lost and the situation is not in his favor, he resorts to blackmail. He may say some fatal phrase like: “If you leave, I will die!”
That is, he is trying to show that you will be responsible for everything that happens to your partner if this or that decision is made. But remember that this is just a demonstrative threat that most likely will not be carried out. In addition, everyone is responsible for their own life.
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