How not to get angry or rage at your husband before and after childbirth

The birth of a child in a family is, of course, a great happiness. But immediately after arriving from the maternity hospital, the life of the spouses, especially the young mother, changes dramatically.

Constant worries about the baby, eternal lack of sleep, refusal of entertainment and dissatisfaction with one’s own appearance - all this deals a powerful blow to a woman’s psyche. And then the spouse, as if on purpose, does everything wrong and constantly falls under the hot hand.

As a result, the hopes that after the birth of the child the couple’s relationship would become more tender and stronger were not justified, but rather the opposite - the family was on the verge of collapse. Why do many women become enraged by their husbands after childbirth? How can a young mother cope with irritability and what can be done to save the family during this difficult period?

Physiology

There is one significant difference between a woman in love, a pregnant woman, and a mother - hormonal levels.

A pregnant woman's body adapts to working for two. The body becomes a sacred repository. That's what's happening.

1. Increased levels of endorphin, human chorionic somatomammotropin, human chorionic gonadotropin turn a woman into a real beauty.
2. Estrogens and progesterone make her vulnerable and emotionally unbalanced.
3. After childbirth, prolactin becomes the director. It regulates the synthesis and interaction of other hormones and suppresses ovarian activity. The whole body is tuned to motherhood, feeding, and protecting the baby. The woman is not really a woman during this time period. This is an aggressive tigress who is at war with the outside world. Even the most reserved ladies have this fountain of emotions bursting out. Therefore, after the birth of a child, a woman feels irritated, furious, and a cooling of feelings towards her husband.

How is prolactin synthesized:

• Normally, its content is up to 400 mU/l;
• An increase in the amount of prolactin to 1200 mU/l is possible during pregnancy, breastfeeding and even stimulation of the mammary glands during intimate relationships;
• If the level rises to 5000 mU/l or higher, we are talking about a pituitary tumor. At the end of breastfeeding, prolactin levels are gradually restored. Therefore, after the birth and feeding of the baby, the husband can irritate and enrage until the end of the hormonal storm.

“After the birth of the child, my husband cooled off towards me.” Family psychology

“About three months ago our first-born boy was born,” Evgenia wrote. “At first my husband was very happy about this event. But very soon he began to stay late at work, spend the night with my mother for several days, stopped helping, citing constant fatigue, and does not look at me at all as a woman. Of course, I gained a lot during pregnancy, and I really don’t like my physical shape now. But right now there is no time to take care of myself. And I pay little attention to my husband, the child is very restless, I don’t get enough sleep, I’m constantly tired. I'm afraid that if this continues, our family will simply collapse. I do not know what to do?"

The birth of a child is a real test of a couple’s strength!

Chief freelance psychologist of Bobruisk and Bobruisk region Liliya Rubtsova comments:

- The situation is typical. The couple had a child, the woman was immersed in worries, the man was immersed in earning money or...

There are often cases when, with the birth of a child, the relationship between spouses begins to deteriorate. A family that has finally become complete can fall apart like a house of cards.

Why can the birth of a child ruin a couple's relationship? Psychologists highlight the highest level of stress in the first months after childbirth, as well as differences in the behavior of men and women during this period. The roles change dramatically: before they were lovers, and now they have become parents. This transformation requires rethinking.

Parenthood turns people towards each other in a completely new way. And people, in a sense, need to get to know each other again.

During pregnancy and after childbirth, a woman experiences a colossal hormonal shock in her body. Each mother reacts to it differently... Physical difficulties and hormonal surges seriously affect the emotional state of a young mother and, unfortunately, some of the mothers become depressed. Psychologists often refer to her mind during this period as “altered,” meaning that she may behave completely differently than she did before the baby was born. Even the most balanced woman can become whiny and capricious overnight.

The father is also experiencing serious stress at this moment: is he ready to change his lifestyle, schedule, habits? For many, this becomes a problem (I note that men, unlike women, are not naturally endowed with hormones that allow them to more quickly realize their parenthood). Therefore, men need more time to adapt; it is necessary to give their partner the opportunity and time to realize their new role. It is worth explaining in detail why your new life requires certain sacrifices on the part of both parents (without using reproaches and ultimatums!).

Often, distance in a couple occurs because at the very early stages the father feels like a “third wheel”; he often thinks: “Why am I needed here at all?”

In fact, he is faced with the most important tasks: to create space so that a woman can calmly care for her child, be strong and responsible, and help her partner recover after childbirth. And then the father feels that this is his role, and it is significant, he is inspired and does not feel like a third wheel. You just need to remind him of this more often. Divide the parental contribution evenly (more or less) between both spouses!

Don’t be afraid to trust your husband with the role of a father; he will cope with it no worse than you cope with the role of a mother. But make sure that your new status as caring parents does not cancel the previous one - loving spouses; do not allow only one of the parents to be completely immersed in the care of the child.

Here are some specific tips for your situation:

• It is advisable that the husband be able to take a vacation so that he can be with his wife for the first few weeks after giving birth. This will allow you to learn together how to deal with a baby and do all sorts of household chores. This is also useful for the child: if he picks up his father’s pheromones from the first days, this has a positive effect on his development and attachment to his father.
• To prevent a woman from being completely immersed in the care of her child, she needs to be in public. The man’s task in this case is to give his wife the opportunity to spend some time alone or with those who are important to her. By the way, such “dismissals” help destroy the great illusion of many men that “staying at home with a child means doing nothing.”
• Discuss your fears about parenting... both of you have this fear, and that's normal. This fear can be treated with awareness; the better you imagine what awaits you, the easier it will be.
• To remain spouses, you need to communicate with each other from time to time, and not only about children and work and everyday life, but also about something more pleasant - literature, gossip, football, a new blouse. In general, something that is interesting to discuss together. You can just go out for an hour for a walk (without the child).
• If a man wants his wife to remain a wife, and not turn into a wounded whore, the solution is obvious - to make efforts so that the wife does not have to be a tortured housewife. The main idea is simple - a man reduces a woman’s parental investment in a child, a woman retains the strength and interest in being not only a mother, but also a wife - the opportunity to “go out into the world,” take care of herself, “preen her feathers,” etc.

In many families, the husband's parental contribution is only to bring money. Of course, money is needed, and it is not easy to come by, but this is not enough... A woman’s parental contribution is much greater than a man’s contribution, and purely in the name of abstract justice, it would be worth balancing it. Well, besides fairness, there are bonuses - for example, the wife will be happy and cheerful, not boring or nagging.

There is no ideal recipe for family happiness. There are a lot of ingredients, but the dish turns out different for everyone. Mastery lies not in following recipes exactly, but in improvisation and trusting your own feelings. You can throw away a spoiled dish and start making a new one; the relationship will have to continue where it left off last time.

If you feel that your experience is not enough, and the situation is developing critically, contact a specialist! Not to the cook, of course, to the psychologist.

If you have questions that you cannot answer yourself, please write to our email: [email protected]

Psychology and everyday life

A husband can also enrage and irritate after the birth of a baby due to the dissonance that arises:

• mental processes are dulled so that the woman can more easily overcome the difficulties that arise;
• the hormonal background is aligned to solve the basic reproductive function;
• but a woman wants to remain a woman, although there is sorely not enough time for her improvement. Hence the aggression towards the outside world, irritation and rage towards her husband.

Another problem is added. Fear of physical threats is significantly reduced. But there is a fear of illness and the death of the baby. It drags me into postpartum depression.

This is aggravated by lack of sleep, lack of proper rest, and a large number of household chores and worries. The mother tries to devote herself to the baby as much as possible. It seems to her that no one can cope with caring for a child better than she. The woman either does not understand the seriousness of the process that is happening to her. Or she refuses her husband’s help, trying not to let him in on her feelings. The gap between spouses is widening.

The woman thinks that after the birth of the baby she stopped loving her husband, he began to enrage and irritate her. In reality, these are just temporary physiological changes. Their duration and depth are individual.

Difference of opinion

A fairly common situation is when, after a difficult pregnancy or difficult childbirth, a woman decides to make all decisions regarding the baby alone, without listening to the opinions of her husband or parents.

Read also:

The danger of childbirth after 35 years for women

She mistakenly believes that the hardships, pain and other difficulties she has endured give her a priority right to deal with the child, touch him and take care of him. At the same time, such a mother often hates it when her husband touches the baby and even more hates the mother-in-law and father-in-law who come to visit and want to amuse their grandson.

Everyone who has their own view on the development and upbringing of a child is faced with overt maternal aggression, which undoubtedly greatly complicates relationships. A man, trying to change something in a relationship, often causes even greater irritation from his wife.

In this case, only one thing can be recommended. Only a single mother can raise a child alone. If a woman wants her baby to grow up in a complete family, surrounded by the care and attention of all her family and friends, then she should not put obstacles between them. In this case, the woman will have to overcome her ego, realize that she is violating her husband’s fundamental right to paternity, and most importantly, she is greatly harming her baby, protecting him from love and the possibility of diversified development and communication.

Emotions and sensations

The picture of emotional sensations at this moment may be blurry:

• lack of joy;
• chronic fatigue;
• drowsiness;
• anxiety;
• sleep disturbances, difficult dreams.

All these symptoms can appear singly, or they can be combined with each other. This is aggravated by physical and psychological reasons:

• perineal injuries received during childbirth;
• fear of pain during intimacy;
• dissatisfaction with one's own appearance.

As a result, the desire for intimacy with her husband disappears. This is another reason why, after the birth of a child, your own husband may begin to enrage and irritate you. Often spouses begin to sleep separately.

Depression

Often, a woman’s psychological state, in which her husband annoys her, is caused by postpartum depression. After giving birth, a new mother does not want to communicate with her husband, his presence infuriates her, she begins to hate sex and there is a feeling that she has stopped loving her partner. Only a newborn baby evokes a feeling of peace. In the process of feeding the baby, the woman relaxes, stops worrying and being nervous. This is also confirmed by medicine, because it is when a child sucks on a woman’s breast that endorphin, the hormone of joy and tranquility, is very actively produced. You just need to wait out this period; it will pass as the body’s hormonal balance is restored.

Causes of problems through the eyes of a woman

1. Barbs, jokes (even the most good-natured ones) about her appearance. Mom perceives the most harmless remarks as a mockery of her changed appearance. She blames her husband for these changes, and he begins to irritate her.
2. Lack of attention signs. The child in the family becomes person No. 1. All the attention of his relatives is focused on him. Mom considers herself disadvantaged. Dad has the same feelings. But they do not always consider it necessary to discuss this.
3. Lack of funds. The woman doesn't work. Family income is decreasing. Costs are rising. Such a necessary release as shopping becomes rare or impossible. According to the woman, it is her husband's fault. Therefore, after the birth of the child, he begins to irritate and enrage her more and more.
4. Spouse's long stay at work. My husband is trying to find a part-time job. He spends less and less time at home. Sometimes the problem isn't even work. A man tries to hide from emerging problems and his wife’s nagging, citing business.
5. Jealousy of the child. If dad is caring and active, this can also cause dissatisfaction with his wife. Realizing that they can do without her, she loses her sense of self-worth. In such cases, the woman pulls the blanket of household routine even more upon herself. The desire to become irreplaceable and exceptional, an ideal mother, causes even greater irritation towards the husband.
6. Experienced stress and pain during childbirth. After them, the woman cannot come to her senses for a long time and subconsciously blames her husband for this.

Reasons for this condition

Factors influencing the psycho-emotional state of a woman:

1. The body uses all its strength to maintain the pregnancy and give birth to a healthy baby. Pregnancy hormones predominate. In this regard, the woman’s emotional state becomes more vulnerable. Not only taste sensations change, bizarre addictions arise, but also a reassessment of values ​​occurs.
2. Fear of childbirth. The first pregnancy - new sensations inside, give reason to think: “What if everything doesn’t go the way I want?” Even while showing outwardly stable calm, fear of childbirth can arise from a subconscious level. Unconscious fears can provoke an anxious state. It is difficult to remain calm if there is internal fear. Do you agree?
3. Nuances of family relationships. Sometimes a husband can really be very annoying with his behavior. Not all men are able to adequately respond to your condition. Well, some people simply run away. Someone starts creating a lot of problems to provoke a woman to leave. How can you be calm here? The ideology in the family should be built in such a way that we do one thing. A woman can slip literature to her husband, develop feelings in her husband
4. Toxicosis, lack of normal, full sleep. Persistent toxicosis due to poor nutrition
5. Infantility of the expectant mother. Yes, some women simply cannot take responsibility for the family themselves. Their behavior in everything is similar to the whims of a 3-year-old child. A man simply does not have time or gets tired to respond to the whims of his chosen one, and she, in turn, gives aggression and breaks down. At the same time, she blames her husband, is unable to take responsibility for her behavior, and is unable to control her emotions.

We figured out a little about the question of why my husband became very annoying. Now let's talk about how to avoid this condition and maintain warm relationships within the family for a long time.

What not to do

There are several ways to end your marriage.

1. Continue to remain silent, collecting your rage inside yourself. In this case, after the birth of the child, the husband will irritate and enrage more and more.
2. Invent new shortcomings for your significant other.
3. Refusing intimate life or enduring sexual relations for the sake of a partner.
4. Sleep separately from each other. If there is no intimacy, this does not mean that you need to stay away.
5. Blame everything that annoys you on your husband.
6. Stop monitoring your appearance. The excuse is that there is no time, it is unlikely to bring you closer.
7. Refuse to visit friends, walk together, go to the cinema, or communicate with the outside world.

My husband left the family: how to move on?

Advice for a woman whose husband left her:

1. Look for support in the form of friends and relatives. If someone close to you is ready to help you, take advantage of it. At the same time, do not take help for granted, be grateful, polite and offer all possible assistance in return.
2. If you feel that your mental state has seriously worsened, consult a psychotherapist. In the family of a single woman, there is not always money for a paid psychotherapist, so you can try to find a free one: in large cities there are usually such specialists.
   You can also contact a psychoneurological clinic and look for communities that help single women.
3. Working from home and caring for a baby at the same time can be difficult, but if you feel you can handle it, try to find a part-time job. There are many opportunities on the Internet for a person who has valuable knowledge and developed skills to earn money.

It is also worth holding tighter to close friends and communicating with them more often.

What to do to get closer

1. Have an honest conversation with your spouse. Tell him about your feelings, doubts and worries. Explain what about him began to irritate and enrage you after the birth of your child. Listen to what he thinks about this. What feelings overwhelm him? Try to reach a compromise. You are family. It is easier to overcome all difficulties together.
2. Remember the wonderful elixir - a sense of humor. Learn to look at the shortcomings of your spouse through his prism. Try to make comments about “bad” habits in a humorous manner. This way you will achieve success quickly and with minimal stress.
3. If intimate relationships after childbirth cause pain or discomfort, be sure to consult a doctor and follow his recommendations. If you are physically ready for sex, but psychologically you just can’t budge, think about a sex shop. There are many remedies that can bring back those former sensations. Do you know little about this, or is shyness getting in the way? Use the Internet. The reason for the irritation and rage towards your husband after the birth of the baby may be hidden in the lack of sex.
4. If for some reason you cannot enter into an intimate relationship with your husband, you should not give up the common marital bed. Warm human hugs have never been canceled. When you fall asleep next to your strong and caring man, you will feel protected. This will help relieve tension and relax. The irritation and rage that appeared after the birth of the child will subside.
5. By creating the right routine for your baby, you can find time for self-care. The problem of excess weight can be solved with the help of a gym. This requires the support of close relatives: husband, mother, sister. Explain to them the essence of your problem. When it is not possible to find a nanny, you can practice using videos from the Internet. Choose a simple program for yourself. Direct your accumulated aggression and irritation towards dumbbells and a jump rope.
6. Try to find time to socialize outside the home. A change of environment will definitely improve your psychological state. It is important to understand that the birth of a baby is a pleasant event, and not a scaffold on which you need to put yourself and your loved ones. If you take your mind off everyday difficulties after the birth of a child, your spouse will be less annoying and infuriating.
7. Remember more often the good and pleasant events that happened in your family before.

How to solve family problems

As you can see, if your husband has become annoying, many reasons can contribute to this. This does not mean that the feelings have passed or that the relationship has become smaller. It’s just that this is a difficult period in the family, which is quite possible to survive. So, how to improve the situation in a family where a child has appeared?

1. Talk, discuss problems, try to develop a joint solution plan. Recognizing that you may have different ways of caring for your child is also important.
2. Be positive and patient, humorous, understanding, and willing to find new ways to express physical affection until you both feel ready to have sex again.
3. Open and honest communication is vital in any relationship—and especially for new parents. If there is tension: take time to talk when you both feel calm; listen and try to understand your partner's point of view; avoid criticism or blame;
4. Postnatal depression can affect both moms and dads and has a big impact on relationships. If you think you or your partner are suffering from depression, then supporting each other and seeking help is really important.
5. Having a baby can lead to closer relationships with friends and family than you expect, and other people may become distant. But there will always be those who can support and help. For many parents, the support that grandparents, other relatives, friends and even neighbors can offer can be invaluable. It can be extremely beneficial to the emotional well-being of postnatal parents, so don't be afraid to ask for or accept help.
6. Taking care of yourself as a couple is important. Because if you're happy, you're more likely to be happy in your role as a parent. Take time for yourself as a couple. Chat with friends, sometimes log in from home, relax.

What to do in advanced cases

If all the steps have been taken, but your husband is still annoying after the birth of the baby, do not despair. Understand your feelings and desires. Love and the goal of preserving the family must dominate. Take the following steps.

1. Contact a family psychologist. As part of various social projects, you can get advice for free.
2. In cases of severe depression, specialist help is vital. Lack of professional support can lead to very serious consequences.

Important! Remember, love is not always a bright comet, tearing apart your everyday life with colorful fireworks. At different stages of family life it will change, but its essence will remain unchanged. Show patience and respect for each other, and the world will sparkle with bright colors again.

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How to understand that you no longer love your husband

Very often it is really difficult to understand that you have stopped loving your husband.

The presence of the following signs indicates faded feelings:

• there is no desire to compromise, give in, adapt;
• the point of view of your other half is not important to you, what is more important is your own, which you actively defend;
• you become irritated if you have to do as your husband wants;
• you have no desire to spend time together;
• you no longer need his attention;
• with your friends and any other people you feel lighter, you are more interesting than with him;
• it becomes completely indifferent to you whether he is nearby or not;
• you don’t feel jealous at all, but you notice the attention of the opposite sex in your direction;
• in horror, you realize that you will quite indifferently just share it as a thing, without experiencing any emotions;
• you don’t feel the desire to have sex with him, to feel his hands, lips.

The most alarming signs among them are the lack of jealousy and reluctance to have sexual contact, as well as the fading of emotional intimacy, warmth, and conversations. Even old friends of the opposite sex like the desire is considered an alarming signal.

The head of the family is the baby

When a baby is born into a family, the whole world begins to revolve around him. They try to predict his desires, his daily routine is adjusted to suit him. My husband is also having to rethink his home entertainment. Now he can’t calmly watch football with beer after work, because now there’s a baby sleeping in that room.

He feels like he is losing his monopoly on his wife. If he decided to have sex with her, but during the process the baby woke up and cried, then she will be distracted by him. It seems that the baby has become the head of the family, pushing the husband off the pedestal. So one gets the feeling that the husband has grown cold after giving birth.

This is a temporary phenomenon, when the baby grows up, the parents will be able to restore the status quo so that the child does not lead the family, but is part of it.

If you have problems with milk

If you fail to cope with the new emotional load, there is no time to waste. It is necessary to take appropriate measures to improve the emotional background and normalize milk production. The first thing to take care of:

• Relax and stop being nervous. Here you should ask your loved ones for help.
• You should limit yourself from household chores.
• Nipple stimulation. You need to put your baby to your breast as often as possible or use mechanical or electric breast pumps. While stimulation continues, the milk will not disappear.

You need to tune in only to a favorable result, without getting nervous or subject to despair.

The main thing is to prevent a re-release of adrenaline into the blood, which can destroy attempts to restore lactation. It is important to restore the maternal instinct, which becomes weak under stress. It is important to be close to the baby as often as possible, to hold him close to you, to rest next to him, etc.

Husband's support is very important

You can also contact a doctor. Today, nutritional supplements and vitamins that help restore lactation are widely used. But their use will not be effective if the girl does not limit herself from intense nervous activity.

Symptoms of stress

Postpartum stress often appears as early as the second week after the baby is born. The first symptoms of a stressful state are:

• irritability;
• changeable mood;
• apathy;
• fatigue.

Symptoms of Postpartum Stress

Psychologists say that such signs in the mother are considered mild and disappear within the first 2-3 weeks. The new emotional load gradually becomes part of the girl’s real life. She manages to overcome difficulties and gets used to the new routine and activities. But, if this condition drags on, other symptoms of stress may appear, which experts call severe:

• depression;
• attacks of aggression;
• hostility towards the baby.

Hair loss after childbirth

When a young mother becomes depressed, her maternal instinct fades. She is unable to cope with difficulties, so she wants to “run away” from them. This condition is comparable to a nervous breakdown. The girl systematically throws tantrums, behaves selfishly and aggressively not only towards her husband, but also towards the child.

Attacks of aggression are a symptom

Consequences of postpartum stress

Cases of depression, like other signs of postpartum stress, do not go away without leaving a trace. A woman’s body suffers from hormonal changes. And this also affects the baby who is breastfed. The fact is that the synthesis of enzymes contained in milk originates in the pituitary gland. With stress, adrenaline is released into the blood, which forces this part of the brain to restructure itself and work according to a “new program.”

The result of such influence is obvious. With changes in hormonal levels, the quality and quantity of breast milk decreases. Such signs should force the young mother to change her emotional background. If there is no action, it is possible that the milk will completely disappear and the baby will need to be switched to artificial feeding.

There is also a threat to women's health. Often, the consequences of a negative psycho-emotional state are lactostasis and mastitis.

The reason is uneven contraction of the ducts and problems with the outflow of mammary gland secretions.

Lactostasis and mastitis

Classification of neuroses

The following clinical forms of neurosis are distinguished:

1. neurasthenia - increased irritability against a background of weakness and fatigue;
2. hysteria, a condition accompanied by violent external reactions: screaming, tears, hysterics, a desire to cause physical pain to loved ones;
3. Obsessive-compulsive neurosis is characterized by anxious thoughts, fixation, fears, behavioral disorders, and inadequacy in actions.

Most neuroses are of a mixed nature. Often a young mother cannot critically assess her condition and admit her illness. Only the attentive attitude and support of family members helps to cope with neurosis, which, with timely correction, is a reversible condition.

Read also:

Self-administered and medication-assisted treatments for postpartum depression

The wife has completely turned into a mommy

Of course, many women are overwhelmed by motherhood. You want to surround your baby with affection, call him funny nicknames, like pie, bun or candy.

Problems in the sexual life of spouses begin when the wife cannot switch from mommy to wife and continues to behave with her husband like a child. It is quite understandable that he gets tired of this kindergarten pretty quickly.

But such women are often sincerely perplexed: “Why did my husband lose interest in me after giving birth?” He wants to feel like a man, the head of the family, and not just another child.

Features of the course of psychosis after childbirth

Psychosis after childbirth often develops in women who have a history of this pathology. It can worsen during the chronic course of the disease. Many drugs used in treatment are potent and contraindicated during pregnancy and breastfeeding. Women take them for a long time and cancel them at the stage of planning conception, which is a factor that provokes an exacerbation.

Primary psychosis is called symptomatic, it develops as a result of infection of the birth canal. Postpartum psychosis is often endogenous in nature and develops as a result of rapid endocrine changes in the body.

When we talk about postpartum psychosis, we mean a disorder that manifests itself during the first few months after childbirth.

Important to remember! A mother in a state of psychosis is potentially dangerous for the baby; due to health reasons, she cannot always control herself. Relatives are obliged to take care of the safety and adequate care of the baby.

Read also:

How long does postpartum depression last and how does it occur in nursing mothers?