What can interfere with normal communication between people?

Active listening is a useful skill for establishing deep contact with your interlocutor and effectively finding a joint solution to issues. This is a difficult communication skill that can sometimes cause confusion. For many people, listening is a passive reception of information from people around them.

The attitude towards contact with an interlocutor was accurately described by the American satirist Mark Twain: “Most conversations are a monologue in the presence of witnesses.” But this position becomes a trap, falling into which we misinterpret the meaning of the conversation. The dialogue ends with misunderstandings, unpleasant feelings, and problems in relationships. How to avoid this?

Active listening - what is it?

When talking to someone, we are often not fully mentally involved in the process. Our brain is busy with abstract processes:

• strong emotional experiences;
• thinking about personal problems;
• subjective assessment of the interlocutor.

These are familiar communication scenarios that seem normal. We listen, but we don't hear! This is how a passive approach to contact with people is expressed, becoming the cause of many difficulties. Active listening is the complete opposite of how you normally communicate. This is a process of conscious interaction in which attention is focused on the thoughts and feelings of the interlocutor. There are no background noises in the head, and no extraneous processes (for example, assessment of appearance).

We are absorbed in the moment here and now, so we direct the conversation in the necessary direction to obtain a lot of useful information. It will not be distorted by our subjective mental filters. In addition, by learning the technique of active listening, you can send signals of interest to your interlocutor. They will become a strong foundation for fruitful relationships in the future.

Active Listening Technique: Basic Principles

No matter how eloquent the speaker may be, we can only get the most from the information presented if we learn to listen correctly. This is precisely the goal of active listening. The main factors contributing to its development:

1. Accepting the interlocutor as he is. It represents careful control of emotions and subjective assessments, which can greatly interfere with understanding what is heard.
2. Make eye contact at eye level. It consists of resisting the temptation to look at foreign objects or the clothes of the interlocutor. It's better to look into your eyes.
3. Asking questions. It represents an appropriate clarification of meaning, serving as confirmation of sincere interest in the subject of conversation.

The technique of active listening is used in psychology. Psychologists describe it as the perception of information “with the whole body.” Active listening has been scientifically proven to help us better understand people's situations. When communicating with clients, specialists use techniques for participating in dialogue that help more accurately determine their condition. Deep immersion, establishing trust, and analyzing the patient’s condition provide effective assistance. These points explain the second name for active listening - empathic.

The concept of listening in communication

For successful interaction, you need not only to master speech skills, but also to be able to listen.
Listening and speaking are two significant competencies in verbal communication.

Definition 1

Listening is the process of concentrated perception of visual and auditory stimuli and attributing meaning to them. Active listening involves focusing, understanding, remembering, evaluating, and responding.

Concentration is the process of perceptually selecting and focusing attention on specific stimuli from the vast array of sensory inputs that reach our senses.

Understanding is a clear decoding of information that comes from the outside, by assigning the correct meaning to it, that is, comprehending it in the same conceptual categories.

Analysis or critical listening is the process of determining how true and truthful the information that has been heard is considered.

Responsiveness implies the corresponding reaction of the listener at the non-verbal and verbal levels of communication.

Reacting at an empathic level gives people information about themselves, their behavior, approves, supports, and reassures.

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If hearing is a physical process, which is determined by the action of sound waves on the eardrum, and takes place without much mental effort, then listening (effective listening) is a complex process of perception, comprehension, understanding, structuring and memorizing incoming information, in which the whole person takes part person.

Note 1

Listening is considered a fundamental skill that affects the quality of relationships in daily communication, effective mutual understanding and interaction. At the same time, many people actually don't know how to listen.

People's listening skills are developed differently. Research in this area shows that on average the time we communicate with others is distributed as follows: about 42-53% of the time we listen to other people, 16-32% we speak ourselves, 15-17% we receive information by reading, 9-14% - we write. As you can see from the above figures, the ability to listen, as a method of perceiving information, is used in communication much more often than the ability to write and read combined, which means that mastering such a skill is necessary for every person.

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Note 2

Most people rate their listening skills at 70-80%. Yet research shows that many people actually have a listening success rate of only 25%, meaning three-quarters of the messages that are heard are lost.

The following types of listening can be distinguished: passive listening, active listening, empathic listening, critical listening.

Effective Active Listening Techniques

There are many ways to turn passive listening into active listening. In addition to the above basic factors, there are three more techniques that are also worth familiarizing yourself with. They help you quickly understand the process.

Thus, active listening is a technology that almost always includes two components:

• clarifying the true meaning of the conversation;
• displaying signs confirming the value of dialogue.

Feeling his own importance and genuine interest in the conversation, the interlocutor becomes more open. This contributes to fruitful mutually beneficial communication, the establishment of trust, and strong relationships. Such results are valuable in any area of ​​life (communication with family members and friends, cooperation with partners and colleagues).

A powerful enhancer of all active listening techniques and techniques is empathy. People who know how to feel the state of others are able to quickly establish positive contact and use any techniques appropriately and delicately. Therefore, to increase the effectiveness of using the selected techniques (from the list below), it is important to work on the level of empathy.

Let's take a break

After your opponent has finished his story, you should just remain silent for a couple of minutes. Such a pause will allow you to better digest what you heard and separate emotions from the true subject of the conversation. For the person speaking, such a break will allow him to rest a little, remember something important and say it. Often, using this technique helps him open up even deeper after a short break.

Please clarify

Sometimes the interlocutor misses many important and interesting details in his story. Showing attention to them is a great way to emphasize the value of the information coming from him and his sincere interest in it. Also, this technique of active listening will help avoid omissions and strengthen trusting relationships, forming a complete picture in your imagination on the topic of the conversation.

Developing the idea

Sometimes a person deviates from the essence of the conversation or cannot find the exact words to continue the topic. In this case, the technique of active listening to develop the main idea of ​​​​the conversation will be an excellent assistant. It is necessary to return the speaker to the main thread of the dialogue and delicately develop it with him.

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The talent of an interlocutor is distinguished not by the one who willingly speaks himself, but by the one with whom others willingly speak.

Labruyère

The practice of business interaction shows that the ability to purposefully and actively listen to others is of great importance for mutual understanding. The ability to listen is a necessary condition for a correct understanding of a partner’s position, a correct assessment of the disagreements that exist with him, and the key to successful business communication.

Listening skills

- This:

· perception of information from speakers, in which the listener refrains from expressing his emotions;

· an encouraging attitude towards the speaker, “pushing” him to continue the act of communication;

· a slight impact on the speaker, contributing to the development of the latter’s thoughts “one step forward.”

Listening is an active process. Special studies have shown that modern administrators spend 40% of their work time on listening every day, and the effectiveness of listening (accuracy of information perception, procedural culture, effect of understanding, etc.), as a rule, is not very high for the majority - about 25%.

The ability to listen as a method of perceiving information is used in business communication much more often than the ability to read and write combined:

listening – 40% of working time, speaking – 35%, reading – 16%, writing – 9%.

A person’s listening style depends on many factors: personality, character, interests, gender, age, status of communication participants, and the specific situation.

Difficulties in Effective Listening:

disengagement of attention, high speed of mental activity, antipathy to other people's thoughts, selectivity of attention, need for a remark.

There are internal and external obstacles to listening. Internal hindrances to listening include the habit of “thinking about something else.” There is much more external interference:

· the interlocutor speaks insufficiently loudly or in a whisper;

· distracting manner of the interlocutor, his manners;

· Interference (traffic noise, repairs, strangers looking into the office, etc.);

· room temperature is too high or too low;

· poor acoustics;

· environment or landscape;

· glancing at the clock;

· phone calls;

· speaker's accent, monotony, too fast or too slow pace of speech;

· limited time, feeling that the regulations have been exhausted;

· excessive workload;

· bad weather;

· color of the walls in the room (red – irritating, dark gray – depressing, yellow – relaxing);

· unpleasant odors in the room;

· habit of holding foreign objects in your hands;

restlessness, fussiness of the listener, as well as the habit of chewing gum, tapping with a pen, drawing).

Types of hearing

American communication researcher Kelly identifies four types of listening.

Directed, critical listening.

The participant in communication first carries out a critical analysis of the message (often doing this preventively, that is, coming with an attitude towards critical perception of information), and then makes an attempt to understand it. Such listening is appropriate where decisions, projects, ideas, points of view, etc. are discussed. Where new information is discussed and new knowledge is communicated, critical listening has little prospect. The attitude of rejecting information does not allow one to listen to it; it requires focusing attention only on what confirms the undesirability of listening. As a result, everything valuable seems to pass by, there is no interest in information, a person simply wastes time and remains dissatisfied.

Empathic listening.

With empathic listening, the participant in a business interaction pays more attention to “reading” feelings rather than words. Such listening can be effective if the speaker evokes positive emotions in the listener, and ineffective if the speaker evokes negative emotions with his words.

Non-reflective listening.

This type of listening involves minimal interference in the interlocutor’s speech with maximum concentration on it. Such a hearing is appropriate in the following situations:

· the partner is eager to express his point of view, his attitude towards something;

· the partner wants to discuss pressing issues, he experiences negative emotions;

· it is difficult for a partner to express in words what worries him;

· partner is shy, unsure of himself.

Active reflective listening.

In this type of listening, feedback is established with the speaker. Feedback from the listening process can be provided in various ways:

· questioning (direct appeal to the speaker, which is carried out using a variety of questions);

· paraphrasing, or verbalization (to paraphrase means to express the same thought, but in different words. The listener paraphrases the speaker’s thought, that is, returns to him the essence of the message so that he can assess whether it was understood correctly);

· reflection of feelings (when reflecting feelings, the main attention is paid not to the content of the message, but to the feelings that the speaker expresses, the emotional component of his statements);

· summarizing (thereby the partner makes it clear to the speaker that his main thoughts are understood and perceived).

Recommendations for the ideal listener

· Do not interrupt or interrupt your interlocutor. (Allow the person to finish their thought. Silence also encourages people to continue talking. Listen to the client, and he will try to fill the silence by continuing to answer the question you asked.)

· Don't look at your watch. (If you really need to look at your watch, do it discreetly. Otherwise, the client will interpret this gesture as a lack of interest in him and as a desire to get rid of him as quickly as possible.)

· Don’t finish your interlocutor’s sentences. (By interrupting a person with the words “I already heard that,” you discourage him from any desire to continue communicating with you.)

· After asking a question, wait for an answer. (Many people ask a question and answer it themselves, saying that this is due to a pause. But a pause is good, it means the client is thinking about your question, he shouldn’t give an answer instantly. The pause is unnerving, but If you asked a question, then wait for an answer.)

· Take an appropriate posture. (Don’t slump in your chair, thereby telling the client: “Well, tell me, I’m listening to you.” Sit up straight, lean slightly forward. Leaning forward indicates the person’s interest.)

· Do not negotiate if you are not feeling well.

Show the other person that you are listening:

· Maintain eye contact. (Even if you listen carefully to your interlocutor, but at the same time looks anywhere, he will make the only conclusion - you are not interested and you are not listening to him.)

· Turn to face the interlocutor. (Talking with a client, turning your side or back to him, and facing the computer or anything else, is simply ugly. When talking with a client, turn your body towards him; turning your head alone is not enough.)

· Nod. (This is a very effective way to show the other person that you are listening and understanding. When we agree or understand what our interlocutor is saying, we nod spontaneously. But by nodding too much, you are telling the other person that your patience has ended and it is time for him to call it a day.)

· Provide verbal feedback. (“Yes, of course, this is interesting...”, etc. - all this is a verbal reaction confirming that we are listening to our interlocutor. We all need confirmation that we are being listened to.)

· Ask clarifying questions. (If something is unclear to you or you are not sure that you have understood the client correctly, do not hesitate to ask clarifying questions. You will give the impression of a person trying not to miss important points in the conversation. There are many clarifying questions: “Do you mean that ..." , “Did I understand you correctly...”, “Please explain...”, “Do you want to say...”, etc.)

· Resist the temptation to refute information that is new to you. (People prefer to argue. If you hear something from your interlocutor that does not correspond to your beliefs or is different from your ideas, do not attack him or get defensive, defending your point of view. It is better to simply ask: “Where did you get this information?”, “ Why do you think so?”, “What explains your position?”)

· Avoid the “And for me” syndrome. (The client can talk about anything, there is no need to try to impress him with your “even cooler” personal experience, snatching the initiative from him. You will always have time to brag about yourself, but the client, after being interrupted, may become completely silent and shut down Do you need this?)

· Take notes for yourself. (This has the following advantages: you suppress the impulse to interrupt the speaker; you can react on paper to possible incipient anger on your part and calm down for your response in the future; already when listening, you will be able to separate the important from the unimportant; you can be sure that that you've really gone into detail on all the relevant issues when it's your turn to speak; your negotiating partner will see that he's being taken seriously if you feel the need to take notes for yourself while speaking).

Questions for self-control

1. What do you think “listening” means?

2. What gives people the ability to listen?

3. What are the challenges of effective listening?

4. What mistakes do those who listen make?

5. List the “bad habits” of listening.

6. How to overcome the extremes of male and female listening styles?

7. What are the external disturbances to listening?

8. What are the features of directed, critical listening?

9. What are the specifics of empathic listening?

10. What is the peculiarity of unreflective listening?

11. Why do you need a positive attitude towards an unpleasant interlocutor?

12. “Feedback.” What are its types and methods of implementation?

Exercise 1

The employee excitedly talks about a conflict situation that is of interest to you. How should you listen to him?

Task 2

Pay attention to the way you listen to your friends and partners. Can they listen? Do those interlocutors with whom it is pleasant to talk adhere to the principles of effective listening?

Task 3

Analyze which listening style - male or female - is closer to you, are there any habits that interfere with your interlocutor and reveal your inability to listen?

Task 4

Try small experiments with close friends. Try to make an impenetrable face during a conversation and not react in any way to the words of your interlocutor. In another conversation, try nodding hard and exaggeratingly reflecting your partner's emotions. In the third, take the same position as the interlocutor, and when he starts talking, change it sharply. Carefully monitor the state of the storytellers in all experiments. Discuss the result with them.

The last experiment allows us to come to the conclusion: imitation of a partner’s posture and gestures creates a comfortable conversation environment, helps the interlocutor open up, non-imitation has the opposite effect.

Task 5

Practice different types of listening in different communication situations.

Task 6

Try to use as many active listening techniques as possible in your business conversation.

Active Listening Techniques

Active listening techniques are different from techniques. They are based on the development of the skill of understanding the meaning of a conversation deeper than words convey. It was mentioned above that the ability to empathize plays a huge role in the successful implementation of active listening and argumentation techniques. It is this that underlies modern methods, manifesting itself at three basic levels:

1. Empathy. It consists in the manifestation of the same emotions that possess the opponent. For example, when he cries, the listener also has tears in his eyes.
2. Sympathy. It manifests itself in the form of an offer to help the interlocutor when he finds himself in a difficult situation.
3. Sympathy. Represents a persistent favorable, friendly attitude towards the speaker.

Using methods is a way to penetrate into the inner world of another person, when the conversation is not limited to words. It becomes capacious and informative, but also requires great psycho-emotional costs. Although they fully pay off in the subsequent formation of strong, trusting relationships.

The basic methods of active listening were formulated by the leader and creator of humanistic psychology, Carl Rance Rogers. They are as follows:

1. Sincere, deep participation in the inner world of the speaking person.
2. Open expression of feelings.
3. Lack of characteristic roles limited to formal actions.
4. Stable fulfillment of obligations towards the interlocutor.

A special place is given to empathic silence. This method involves no comments to allow the other person to speak from the heart. But silence is accompanied by nonverbal signals that make the interlocutor feel interested in his situation and the person as a whole. They include head shakes, gestures, and facial expressions appropriately used in the communication process.

Kinds

This method was invented by Carl Rogers, one of the creators of humanistic psychology, but the term itself was introduced into our culture by Yulia Gippenreiter, one of the most famous Russian psychologists. She believed that everyone simply had to know him, both a businessman, a politician, and an ordinary parent, in order to establish deep contact with the child.

The hearing may be:

• Active (reflexive) – the process of clarifying the meaning of what was said in order to understand the interlocutor.
• Passive (non-reflective) – the ability to remain silent, giving space to others to speak out or free themselves from accumulated emotions. The point is that using this method, a person does not interrupt, and occasionally can only insert a couple of words, such as: “Yes, yes,” “I understand”...
• Empathic - understanding the emotional state of the interlocutor, and sharing the feelings that he experiences.

Exercises to develop active listening skills

To develop this useful skill, pair training is used. One of the participants plays the role of the listener, and the second - the speaker. Then they change places. On average, the duration of the exercises is 30-45 minutes. During this time, the following stages are implemented:

1. During the first 5 minutes, one of the interlocutors talks about personal difficulties, indicating the probable reasons for their occurrence. The partner interacts with him using active listening techniques.
2. A couple of minutes after the first stage are allotted to the speaker’s statements about what specifically in the listener’s behavior helped or hindered him from opening up in the conversation.
3. After this 5 minutes, the person speaking continues to share his thoughts. Now let’s talk about what character traits help him cope with the mentioned difficulties. His partner's task is to continue to use active listening, taking into account the errors identified in the second stage.
4. For the next 5 minutes, the listener summarizes what was understood from the previous two stories of the speaking partner. He only nods to indicate agreement with him or vice versa. When incorrect interpretations are identified, the former listener corrects them in such a way that the interlocutor agrees with him.

The end of the first round of lessons comes after the speaker from the pair can accurately formulate what exactly he was understood correctly, and where there was an erroneous interpretation. After this, the partners change roles.

Examples of active listening in practice

Examples of the use of active listening techniques are everywhere. At work, they are reflected in the form of improved relationships with the team. In the family they help overcome periods of crisis and conflict. Moreover, in any interaction, active listening manifests itself in two planes - non-verbal and verbal. The first involves facial expressions and gestures that make the contact deeper. In the second, these are phrases correctly constructed in accordance with the chosen technique. For example:

1. “What exactly do you mean?”
2. “I understand you perfectly!”
3. “This is really interesting!”

Techniques

1.Pause

This is exactly the space I talked about at the beginning of the article. By holding a pause, you give yourself and him the opportunity to realize, remember, and come up with something. Thus, you step back a little from the influence of emotions on your thoughts and actions, and become able to see the current situation from a different angle. The ability to pause works wonders. And it is the most complex and simple at the same time.

Not everyone is able to withstand a pause, because then you will have to come face to face with your thoughts and emotions, which you previously escaped with the help of chattering, a fast pace.

2. Clarification

These are questions with the help of which it becomes possible to clarify what exactly the interlocutor meant. Sometimes this is a focus on inaccuracies in the story, which are also important to clarify. Unfortunately, it often happens that we think for others, believing that everything is obvious and understandable. For example, even such a familiar concept as love is deciphered differently for each person. And if a girl declares that a man no longer loves her, you should not immediately support the idea of ​​​​how bad he is. Just with the help of clarification you can find out that he cares about her, only in the last week he came home a couple of times and went to bed. And not because of a lack of love, but because the working days have become too stressful.

3. Paraphrasing

This technique allows the person being listened to to receive feedback from you and make sure that you understand him, and also to look at the situation a little differently, emotionally detached from it. In addition, it gives food for thought about how I express myself and look in the eyes of people, how understandable I am to them. You should simply repeat what he said, only briefly and in slightly different words, to emphasize the main thing and highlight the meaning that they tried to convey to you.

4.Development of thought

Here we try to continue the train of thought if we are convinced that we correctly understood what they wanted to convey to us. You can start with the following phrase: “You want to say that...”.

5.Feedback

That is, our impression of the story and the narrator himself, just remember the principle of no value judgment. There is no need to give any advice here, just talk about your feelings that arose while you were listening, what thoughts came to you, you can give an example of your own experience if you were in a similar situation.

6.Summary

That is, to sum up the conversation, it cannot last indefinitely. For example: “To sum up what you said, then you...”, “So, you propose...”