- November 1, 2019
- Psychology of relationships
- Anna Mallaalieva
Unfortunately, betrayals, the types of which are described in the article, are now too common. Even in families where partners love and understand each other, unpleasant situations still happen. We tend to think of sex as cheating, but in reality there are several types. Let's look at what they are and why this happens.
Treason concept
Treason is a violation of fidelity to someone or something. Many people associate this word with adultery. However, loss of loyalty often also occurs in relation to a certain social group, to interests, ideas, and even in relation to oneself. Psychologists understand betrayal as a rejection of previous principles, views and beliefs.
Cheating is the replacement of something with an alternative option, the search for which often occurs subconsciously long before the actual act of infidelity. If we talk about romantic or marital relationships, then betrayal is interpreted as sexual contact with someone else’s partner. However, the concept of betrayal in a relationship between a man and a woman is much broader. This is not only a physical act, but also a spiritual moment. Some psychologists believe that betrayal begins when a loved one begins to be compared with others.
When you complain about him to others.
You think that there’s nothing wrong with it - complaining to your friends about how badly he slurps at food or something like that, but this is also a small betrayal of trust.
There is one useful rule: “Never tell others about him what you would not say if he were standing next to you.” Even if he never finds out about it, it creates a certain coldness in the relationship. You yourself focus more on his shortcomings and can become fixated on them.
And imagine if he complains to his friends about how disgusting you are squeezing out pimples on your nose right next to your shared mirror?
What kinds of betrayals are there?
Treason is a very broad concept. It is interpreted depending on the type.
Physical Committing a sexual act with another man (someone else’s woman) in the presence of a regular partner.
Moral Loss of emotional connection with a partner, conscious replacement of him with another person.
Accidental Treason, committed by mistake, most often under the influence of alcohol or drugs.
Purposeful An act of infidelity committed out of a desire for revenge, due to strong resentment or despair.
Single Treason, which is random in nature.
Systematic repeated betrayal, which is committed consciously and over a long period of time.
Marital Sexual relations outside of legal marriage.
Love Infidelity in romantic relationships.
Friendly Violation of moral obligations to a person with whom there is a friendly and emotional connection.
State An illegal act that harms the interests of the state and nation.
Ideological Rejection of previous principles and views.
Male Infidelity in men is most often accidental and does not pose a serious threat to relationships.
Female Infidelity by a woman has its own characteristics. This is a deeper and more complex topic.
Treason can be forgiven, but betrayal is not worth it. Treason is a mistake that can be made up for, and betrayal is a conscious infidelity extended over time
Difference between treason and betrayal
Treason and betrayal are things that are similar in nature, but different in emotional content. Cheating can be one-time or repeated, but a person does not necessarily acquire an emotional attachment to the object of his passion. To cheat means to enter into sexual contact with a stranger, while having a permanent partner.
It happens that cheating even benefits the relationship. This happens when such an act brought only a negative experience to a person, and thanks to the comparison he realized that his partner is still better, and such relationships are worth cherishing. Sometimes the one who was cheated on, having found out the reason for the infidelity, changes his behavior and tries to make amends. After all, people themselves often push their lovers or spouses to cheat. Man, by and large, is a weak creature; he has the right to make mistakes and be forgiven.
Why do people cheat?
Unfortunately, in our time, cheating has become commonplace, and this is unfortunate. Loyalty and chastity have long been out of fashion; people can cheat on each other simply to test their feelings. However, the reasons for male and female infidelity are different. A man “goes left” most often because of the following things:
Poor sex life or lack thereof
Males need intimacy much more than women. If a partner does not want to share a bed with a man, it is likely that he will look for sex on the side.
Drunken adventures
Where there is a lot of alcohol, there are also a lot of temptations. If a guy or husband often relaxes in companies without his companion, it is not surprising that he finds entertainment with other women.
Whatever the reason for the betrayal, the main thing is how the person himself feels about it - whether he feels remorse or, conversely, pride in his action...
Hypersexuality
Some men, due to their physiology, constantly need sexual contact. A regular partner cannot and does not always want to satisfy these needs, so you have to look for others.
Psychology of a womanizer
There is a category of men who do not need sex itself as much as the need to assert themselves. Many “revelers” are physiologically ordinary men, but they have a “fad” in their heads.
Monotony and routine
Some men cheat because of a boring family life. They are tired of wives in curlers and children who are always screaming.
Misunderstanding on the part of the partner
If a woman does not love and respect her chosen one, he begins to look elsewhere for what he lacks in his own family.
With female infidelity, everything is much more complicated. Psychologists say that in order for a woman to cheat, she needs a serious reason, and in most cases only her man is to blame for such infidelity.
So, why do the fairer sex cheat?
Husband's inattention
Every woman requires care and love from her chosen one. Over time, romantic relationships turn into a boring everyday routine. The husband spends all his time at work, no longer compliments his wife, or gives flowers or gifts. The woman becomes sad and offended.
Contempt
Ignoring a woman as an individual can also serve as a reason for her to cheat. In this case, she does not need sex, but understanding and friendly communication from a lover who appreciates her talents and virtues.
Problem solving
Often married women take lovers, hoping to solve their financial difficulties or problems at work. This happens if the spouse is not able to properly provide and protect the family.
Intense crush
It's rare that a woman will cheat just like that. But when a girl’s head is turned by love, it’s hard to resist. Perhaps her current relationship is simply based on habit, and not on true love.
Classification
Such a sad fact is the most painful act in the life of a couple. This happens in families, even if love and mutual understanding reign in them.
The reasons for such an act are very diverse, and psychologists distinguish the following types of betrayal:
- The most common one is due to negligence. This includes casual relationships that are provoked by suddenly surging feelings at the moment of alcohol intoxication, when a person loses control over himself and is not responsible for his actions. Such a connection is fleeting and does not imply continuation.
- Physical occurs on the part of the partner voluntarily. The reason is a lack of sexual satisfaction. Even a man who sincerely loves his wife, a wonderful family man, can purposefully start relationships on the side in order to get the missing sensations. Women should think about this, because if your sex life is regular and varied, then the need will disappear by itself.
- The spiritual is the most painful. For example, after living for several years with his legal wife, a man falls in love with another woman. And these relationships are only platonic, but all his thoughts and love will be directed towards another woman.
- Emotional is a close relationship with a person that involves friendship, but nevertheless causes a lot of pain and negativity. It all starts with communication. Gradually, the partner's interest and attraction grows, which develops into a negative discussion of the spouse. Such a relationship is likely to turn into a sexual one.
A love affair on the side can last quite a long time, but as a rule, it is always hidden, however, women always feel such changes. What are the signs of this?
- A clear sign is sudden secrecy and avoidance of conversations. Leading a double life is very difficult and you can easily give yourself away.
- The cheater suddenly begins to pay several times more attention to his appearance. New perfumes and long preparations in front of the mirror should alert you.
- Your sexual relationship is cracking. Especially when there is moral betrayal. Your partner no longer wants intimate connection with you, since he gets it on the side.
- Pay attention to your spouse's cell phone. If he constantly hides it or keeps it to himself, it means he has something to hide. Find a way to test this. Perhaps there is not only correspondence, but also a photo with his mistress. This will help you find the answers so you can take decisive action.
- A new hobby will take time, so you will be given much less time. The husband will often stay late “at work”, hiding behind fatigue in order to reduce conversations with you.
- Spiritual betrayal leads to private nit-picking on the part of the traitor. He will humiliate you in every possible way, show dissatisfaction in everyday matters, and treat you rudely for no reason.
- The financial issue is no less important. If the spouse begins to bring in a smaller portion of the salary, this means that it is being spent on his mistress. Any woman loves gifts, flowers, going to a restaurant, so she will expect them from her partner.
The above signs are indisputable evidence. But don't panic if you find one match. Most likely this will turn out to be nothing more than an accident. Try to surround your chosen one with affection and spend more time together.
Signs of betrayal
The signs and causes of infidelity differ between men and women. Of course, there are also general nuances in behavior, for example, coldness, isolation or a long absence from home. However, differences in female and male psychology provoke different psychological and behavioral characteristics in representatives of different sexes.
Men most often give themselves away by the following actions:
Frequent fatigue
Complaining about constant fatigue and headaches is typical for women, but hearing this from a man is at least strange. Every person can sometimes feel overwhelmed after a hard day at work, but if the husband used to be full of energy, and now wants to go to bed early, this is an alarming signal.
thoughtfulness
A legal or common-law spouse should be alerted to a sudden change in the behavior of the chosen one, namely unusual thoughtfulness and daydreaming. The husband seems to be “having his head in the clouds”, does not hear questions and requests, becomes forgetful and indifferent to everyday things.
A sharp change in image
Many men, with the appearance of a mistress, begin to take extra care of themselves - they shave more often and more thoroughly, “douse” themselves with perfume, and get fashionable haircuts. At the same time, they pay almost no attention to their legal wives.
Signs of betrayal are also noticeable in intimate relationships. An unfaithful husband performs marital duty “for show”, without former passion and sensuality
Inspired mood
If the husband used to walk around gloomily, but suddenly became inspired and grew wings, isn’t this a reason for suspicion? There must be a reason for such a sudden change in mood, for example, a promotion at work, new opportunities or... new love.
Traces of another woman
There are jokes about lipstick on a man's shirt, but such signs are the surest evidence of betrayal. And the most indisputable evidence, of course, is the belongings of someone else’s lady found in the car, in the pockets of clothes, etc.
Lies and loss of trust
The cheater no longer tells his wife how his day went in detail, or, on the contrary, begins to invent ridiculous stories to confuse her. He does not allow his phone to fall into the hands of his wife; he quickly closes the page on the social network when his wife enters the room.
It is much more difficult for the fair sex to hide infidelity because they are more emotional. On the other hand, women are very resourceful and resourceful in such matters. An unfaithful wife will do everything possible and impossible to prevent her companion from revealing the truth. And yet, the wife’s infidelity can be suspected by the following signs:
Constant delays at work
A man should be wary of a woman’s too strong desire to work. If earlier she tried to get out of work as quickly as possible, now she is in no hurry to go home at all - something is wrong here.
Sudden changes in appearance
Just like men in love, women intensively preen themselves, visit hairdressers more often, and buy new fashionable clothes. A clear sign of betrayal is the fact that a woman has purchased a seductive set of lingerie, but hides it from her husband.
Increased attention to children
A woman who has taken a lover feels guilty towards her children, so she buys them toys and treats more often, kisses them more often and feels sorry for them. It’s as if she’s trying to compensate for her absence from the family.
Adultery #1 - Physical
Let's call it "disposable". This is when your man, out of everyday boredom, or under the influence of wine fumes and the corresponding mood, “jumps” into someone else’s bed. After performing certain manipulations, he quickly jumps out of it, and just as quickly forgets not only about the “crime” committed, but also about the one who hospitably provided him with this very bed.
The object of male interest during such short-term, easy affairs can be a random fellow traveler in a train compartment. Or an acquaintance of an acquaintance, met at a work corporate party, where the legal half did not attend for some reason. Not a single man takes such a “race” seriously, but he feels a certain guilt after it. Therefore, as a rule, he will try to make amends with her with a gift, a romantic weekend, a joint visit or a stunning feat in the marital bed, thereby giving away his little secret.
Should you panic when you see a bouquet in your husband’s hands that was last given 10 years ago when he was discharged from the hospital? Most likely not, since the gift speaks eloquently of a feeling of guilt - a feeling, it must be said, that is very uncomfortable, which you would hardly want to experience on an ongoing basis, and, therefore, forcing you to refrain from such zigzags in the future.
Don't flog the fever
It should be noted that, like adultery, family well-being, as a rule, is not threatened either in a moral or material sense. Moreover, they are precisely that “healthy leftist who strengthens the marriage,” since comparisons of a legal wife with a one-time partner often turn out to be not in favor of the latter and emphasize the already forgotten advantages of the former. So, feel free to accept the gift brought and with a sense of your own superiority, fulfill your marital duty, not forgetting to enjoy it. If it becomes really offensive, then you will cry alone into your pillow.
There are indeed individuals who, due to their psychological or physiological characteristics, arrange this kind of excursions on an ongoing basis and at a certain point stop feeling guilty. It is useless to fight their addiction - “sexual alcoholism” cannot be treated. Here it’s up to you to decide whether you will eat from dishes that are used by everyone who is not too lazy, and you don’t even know whether they wash them after themselves, or whether you will buy your own, personal plate.
How to prevent cheating?
In most cases, both partners are to blame for love or adultery. Infidelity is an indicator of a relationship. Happy people don't need to cheat. Such actions indicate problems in the couple, emotional dissatisfaction and fading of feelings.
If cheating happened at least once, this means that there is already a crack in the relationship, and it will take a long time to mend it. It is much easier to prevent infidelity than to deal with its consequences. Psychologists give simple but effective advice on how to avoid cheating in a couple.
1 Always discuss problems and solve them together. Trust is the foundation of any relationship. Without it, they will collapse sooner or later. A man and a woman should share both joys and experiences with each other.
2 Be honest and frank with your significant other. A spouse is not only a lover and cohabitant, but first and foremost a friend. Doesn't a person go to his best friend for advice and support?
3 Be honest with yourself. When starting a relationship, everyone must answer the question, why do they actually need them? What does he expect from this union and how does he feel about his partner?
4 Put happiness first, not money. Marriage of convenience is a direct path to betrayal. The lack of love between spouses leads to the search for new partners who are able to give romance, novelty and unforgettable emotions.
5 Accept your partner as he is. Each person has his own shortcomings, and the search for ideal is a futile exercise. Lovers and mistresses are also full of imperfections, they just don’t open up right away.
6 Value family and home comfort. No matter how exciting the adventures on the side may be, every person wants to return to a cozy and warm home, where they are loved and expected. These are eternal and undeniable values.
7 Learn to relax with your family. It is not necessary to look for bright emotions somewhere on the side. You can also have an active rest, watch an exciting movie or have a romantic dinner with your family members. Fun and interesting leisure time is a great family tradition.
To protect yourself from betrayal, you need to reconsider your social circle. If you constantly communicate with loving and wayward individuals, you can become one yourself
To exclude adultery, it is necessary to perceive the partner with all his characteristics and shortcomings, and also to achieve a similar attitude towards himself. In a healthy relationship there is no place for ridicule, humiliation, violence and brutal dominance. The key to fidelity is equal communication and mutual understanding.
It is important to understand that neither the official registration of marriage, nor the wedding, nor any vows or loud words guarantee devotion and harmonious love. It all depends only on what feelings people have for each other and how much they value their relationships.
Consequences3
Nothing passes without a trace and, naturally, betrayal also has consequences. Before you decide to solve a relationship problem or avoid it in this way, you need to weigh the results of such liberties. What does treason lead to:
- relationships with a partner fall apart;
- marital relationships are devalued;
- parents lose touch with their children, who become victims of being pulled to one side or the other;
- the feeling of importance and value for a partner is disrupted;
- there is no longer trust in the opposite sex;
- psychological consequences can be expressed in prolonged depression and alcoholism.
Don’t think that only people without moral principles cheat on their partners. Unhealthy attitudes in the family, absorption of the behavior patterns of antisocial parents in childhood, constant suspicions, scandals, and jealousy gradually lead to betrayal. In such an environment, relationships cannot develop; both adults and children, if any, suffer. Strong emotions and grievances gradually accumulate and lead to a state of prolonged stress.
How to understand that they are cheating on you?
Many people simply screw themselves up by overdramatizing their family life. These include melancholic and overly jealous individuals. But constant suspicions undermine relationships no less than real betrayal.
There are several sure signs that your partner is cheating. If they are present, it means that infidelity is either already taking place, or everything is heading towards it.
Frequent absence of a partner from home
In a normal case, a man and a woman spend almost all their free time together. They are a family and they should have everything in common. The habit of often going to cafes and clubs, each with his friends, does not end well. On the one hand, this is a sign of trust, but on the other hand, it is an opportunity to be free and unpunished.
Abrupt change in attitude and behavior
At the beginning of a relationship, each person tries to show his best side to his partner and earn his trust. But if a new object of passion appears in life, then the old companion begins to irritate. He prevents you from enjoying romance and new feelings, constantly pestering you with questions and complaints.
Unexplained disappearance of money
This happens mainly when the husband cheats. He is forced to spend a certain amount on his mistress, so the family budget suffers. The wife notices that she and her husband have become sharply short of money for ordinary needs. Where does the money flow? - a completely natural question.
Lack of intimate life
In married couples where one of the spouses cheats, most often sexual relations disappear completely. The loss of emotional connection leads to a loss of sexual desire for a partner. After all, the person has already found a replacement, and in a new relationship he gets everything he wanted.
What does it mean?
If a husband cheats on his wife or a wife cheats on her husband, what could this mean?
In marriage, the norm is to remain faithful to your partner, even despite the circumstances that provoke an affair on the side.
If one of the partners decides to have an affair on the side, it means there are problems in the family.
Reasons for family betrayal:
- partner does not satisfy physically;
- lacks emotions;
- family life seems boring and monotonous;
- the partner is “fed up”;
- the spouse shows indifference;
- there have been no unifying factors in the family for a long time; in fact, the relationship is at the stage of discord;
- the inner “nature” of a person, which allows him to have connections on the side with ease and without pangs of conscience.
If cheating is discovered in a marriage, this is a reason to pay attention to how harmonious the relationship is and whether the partners are comfortable with each other sexually and emotionally.
The best way to find out the reason is to talk.
How to forgive betrayal?
The news of a loved one's infidelity falls out of the blue. The pain of betrayal develops into a depressing state, and then into depression. After betrayal, a love or marital relationship may no longer be the same, but it can be saved. Forgiving or breaking up is everyone’s business, but it is important to learn to let go of a person who has become a stranger.
Resentment, anger, sizzling jealousy and desire for revenge will not help return the former love idyll. These are very negative emotions that aggravate an already difficult situation. Therefore, if it is not possible to continue the relationship, it is better to come to terms with what happened and start life from scratch.
Is it worth forgiving?
Any type of adultery is a manifestation of weakness.
This fact will forever sow the seed of mistrust between you.
A person who betrayed once can do it again. This thought will come to you from time to time. Can you live with this? And do you need a spouse you can’t rely on? It happens that after betrayal comes repentance, a desire to return everything. If the love has not faded away, and both have a desire to reconcile, it’s worth a try. Experienced psychologists can help you cope with this situation.
However, spiritual betrayal is the most terrible betrayal. If a person fell in love with someone other than you, the only right decision would be divorce. How can you live next to someone who imagines someone else in their thoughts? Live for your family? Children? Run without looking back. If you stay, you will feel a sense of betrayal throughout your life, you will feel pain every day when you look at your spouse. Children will grow up under terrible stress, and then they will certainly repeat this experience in their personal lives. Spiritual betrayal can ruin your entire life. Is this what you wanted for your children?
Having overcome yourself, you need to move on. Only by letting go of the situation will you be able to forget what moral betrayal is. You will learn to live without it. As soon as this happens, your life will be filled with meaning, your soul will be healed. Soon you will find your soul mate, with whom you can forget about betrayal forever.
How to live after betrayal?
The pain and resentment from betrayal does not go away soon. The victim is haunted by the thought that a loved one could humiliate and betray her. But contempt and hatred will not ease mental anguish; it is only a defensive reaction, an illusion that aggravates suffering. In fact, the victim continues to love the traitor, because if there were no feelings, then the betrayal would not bring such pain.
Therefore, the first task of someone who has been cheated on is to forgive and let go. Forgiveness does not mean understanding and continuing the relationship. If you have no desire to save your family, you don’t need to convince yourself. Perhaps real happiness is yet to come, and attempts to mend a broken union will only lead to even greater disappointments. But, on the other hand, if a person repents and asks for forgiveness, you can give him a chance.
Summarizing
Cheating is a common problem in many relationships. When one partner discovers the other is cheating, there is heartbreaking emotional suffering. Unfortunately, cheating can't always be simply defined as having sex with someone outside of your relationship. Betrayal comes in many shapes and forms, but they are all equally emotionally destructive. Cheating always hurts, but you can recover from it. Talk to your other half more, discuss the fine points of your relationship - and you will be happy.
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