Low self-esteem: how to get rid of it? Ways to increase self-esteem and self-confidence

“If you don’t value yourself highly, the world won’t offer you a penny more.”

Low self-esteem is when a person thinks of himself worse than he really is. Unhealthy criticism gives rise to a lot of complexes and pulls you down, preventing you from achieving heights in your career and building normal relationships with others. When neglected, this leads to autism, loneliness, mental disorders of personality and behavior, and suicide. You need to know your enemies by sight - let’s see what this phenomenon is and how to prevent it from taking over your inner world.

What it is

Low self-esteem is a lack of self-confidence, in one’s own strengths and actions, constant self-criticism, a set of internal complexes that prevent one from objectively recognizing one’s strengths and aggravating shortcomings.

Psychology pays much more attention to low self-esteem than to high self-esteem (we talked about it earlier), for two reasons. Firstly, it is more dangerous, as it more often leads to suicide and personality disorders. Secondly, it occurs at every step.

The stratification of society into rich and poor, the media and social networks with a demonstration of a beautiful life inspire people with low and even average incomes how insignificant they are, since they could not achieve anything compared to others. If you don’t have a car, your own apartment, a prestigious job, if you don’t fly to the seaside every summer and don’t fit the stereotypes of society, you’re a failure. But all this is just an external push, and then comes the self-destruction of a person from within.

The psychology of low self-esteem is such that after the external stimuli described above, a person begins to engage in self-searching. Reasoning why life is so unfair, blaming yourself for all sins and considering yourself a pathological loser. Moreover, this snowball is constantly growing if no action is taken. Even one single circumstance leads to thoughts, the unhealthy logic of which provokes dire consequences.

Below is an entry from the diary of a practicing psychologist who had to literally save his patient from suicide only because one of the high positions at work went to another:

“This position was given to him → He is more worthy than me → I don’t deserve this position because I’m worse than him → I was the worst among all the applicants → How will I tell this at home and to friends → They will laugh at me → I don’t deserve their respect and love → I can’t achieve anything → I’m a loser → I have no job, no family, no friends → There is no meaning to life → Why live?”

A person with low self-esteem treats himself inadequately and focuses only on failures and shortcomings. This leads to internal devastation, leveling of life values and loss of meaning.

Signs of adequate self-esteem in men

How to understand that self-esteem is adequate or close to it?

Are you ready to stop thinking about your problem and finally move on to real actions that will help you get rid of your problems once and for all? Then perhaps you will be interested in this article .

There are few people with the right sense of self, and more often than not they had to work on themselves in the past to achieve this:

A person with good self-esteem is calm about other people's successes and failures.
Such a man knows about his positive and negative qualities, strengths and weaknesses. He does not present himself as an infallible ideal or a complete failure, and knows what he will succeed in and what it is better not to undertake.
A man with an adequate self-image does not curry favor with those in power or humiliate those who are weaker than him or lower in social status. Communication is smooth and interesting.
In such a person’s social circle there are few people who evoke negative emotions. A psychologically healthy person cuts off negativity and attracts positive, interesting people.
His mood is more or less even, there are no sudden outbursts of anger or causeless sadness. Negative and positive emotions are an adequate response to external stimuli, and not an expression of internal pain.

The consequences are as follows. A healthy man does not have causeless jealousy or suspicion. He doesn't criticize people to make himself feel better about them. He is successful in his chosen field of work or hobby, and does not worry that someone else is also achieving good results. When criticizing himself, he separates sensible thoughts from empty anger; this does not destroy his self-image, but helps him become better.

Levels

According to the psychodiagnostic scale, low self-esteem can be of three levels:

Below the average

When a person loses heart as a result of some minor everyday failures, but at the same time does not give up and continues to fight for a decent existence with all his complexes.

A low level of self-esteem is not always associated with objective external stimuli; it is often based on childhood complexes and social grievances, which leads to the aggravation of old fears and doubts and the formation of new ones.

Inadequate, very low

When virtues are denied and people refuse to move forward only because they are obviously sure of failure, they simply lose the meaning of life. They need psychological help, since they are the ones who may commit suicide or harm themselves.

Causes

It is important to understand where low self-esteem comes from: without identifying the true reasons, it is difficult to correct anything. A person is not born with it. It is formed over the course of life under the influence of people and external circumstances, only aggravated by some personal traits. Psychologists call the following the most common provoking factors:

the experience of defeat, when every failure is perceived as a personal tragedy;
guilt;
procrastination;
rejection by parents and peers in childhood, which leads to early psychological trauma, which is considered one of the deepest;
the presence of a manipulator in the environment;
perfectionism - a painful desire for perfection, inflated demands on oneself, the desire to live up to the ideal;
loneliness;
dependence on the opinions of others;
laziness;
flaws in appearance;
fear of the future, constant doubts, uncertainty.

In men, it is most often formed as a result of lack of recognition in society and lack of career growth. For women, because of their appearance, if it does not meet the imposed standards of beauty. In a child, due to a lack of parental love at a young age, failures at school and lack of attention from peers at a later age.

If the reason lies in external circumstances or the person himself, it is easier to get rid of low self-esteem. Much more complex are cases when there is a hidden manipulator in the environment. It can take psychologists several weeks to identify it because it is usually idealized by the patient himself.

Most often, parents or husband/wife underestimate self-esteem, less often - a friend, colleague or boss. If this happens in childhood, the trauma remains for life. Such a child grows up to be autistic, neurasthenic, downtrodden and insecure.

A father or mother can take out their failures in life on the child. For some parents, the only opportunity to achieve success is to put pressure on someone who depends on you and cannot fight back.

One of the spouses humiliates the other because of their own childhood traumas. If you do not confront him, you may need the help of a psychotherapist in the future.

What can low self-esteem lead to?

Treating low self-esteem will help avoid unpleasant consequences. Dissatisfaction with yourself distorts the idea of your own personality, spreading to the people around you.

Psychology says that no one can love and understand others without experiencing these feelings for themselves. This perception also influences the choice of a life partner. If there is a habit of underestimating your own dignity, then the choice will fall on a partner who will condemn and criticize. This happens because a person is trying to create conditions for experiencing familiar feelings.

This attitude towards life is passed on to children. It creates obstacles on the path to friendship.

The problem of low self-esteem sets false goals. If a person feels that he will not succeed in his profession, he will try to gain recognition for achieving goals approved by others. Spiritual emptiness is hidden behind expensive clothes, mansions and fancy cars.

Signs

Everyone knows that low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence go hand in hand. One is a product of the other, they are closely intertwined and interconnected. But this is not the only sign. There are also other symptoms:

constant and unfounded self-criticism;
dissatisfaction with oneself (appearance, actions, even thoughts);
offended by any criticism;
indecision;
fear of making a mistake;
fear of public speaking;
the desire to please everyone, the inability to say “no”;
frustration, anger, irritation, hysterics in response to something that does not meet expectations;
constant feeling of guilt;
pessimism;
envy;
expecting trickery and betrayal from everyone.

In any unpleasant situation, a person with low self-esteem will always blame himself.

From practice. The librarian girl received about 300 rubles less in salary. Instead of going to the accounting department or to her boss to clarify the issue, she began to engage in self-examination that she was demoted, her money was withheld for some offense, she was not respected and not appreciated at work. In one evening, she worked herself up to such an extent that she decided to quit before she was forced to do so under the article, because she convinced herself that everything was heading towards this. However, indecision the next day played into her hands: while she was gathering courage to hand in her resignation letter, she was given that same unfortunate 300 rubles, and the accountant apologized for her mistake.

How does a confident woman behave?

A confident woman comes to the store, takes the things she likes, tries them on, buys what she liked best, or doesn’t buy because she didn’t like it, but she is not tormented by the choice. A self-confident woman gets out of bed, discovers, for example, that the milk has run out, throws a raincoat over her pajamas and goes to the store for milk, without washing or combing her hair. She is confident that she is good on her own, she does not need to embellish herself further.

The most important thing to remember: there is no universal criterion of beauty. No! You can’t please everyone, don’t try to compare yourself with someone, it’s a dead end. There are so many beautiful and very unhappy people around. And the most beautiful (okay, the sexiest) woman on earth, about whom 90% of the male population of this planet dreamed, whose portrait was carried in the breast pockets of American army soldiers in Vietnam - Marilyn Monroe - died alone. And in general I had a bunch of psychological problems.

Diagnostics

There are three ways to understand that you have low self-esteem.

Method 1. Observation and self-analysis

Carefully study the possible causes. Analyze whether they took place in your life. If there are at least 3 of them, there is every chance of being in the risk group. Next, look through the list of symptoms and cross out those that you do not experience. People who are unsure of themselves cope with this part of the task with flying colors, as they practically do not cross out anything. This is confirmation of the diagnosis.

Method 2. Test

Take one of our many self-assessment tests. If you choose the online option, it must include the author of the method and he must be well-known in psychology. Recommended: Rosenberg, Zang, Leary, Budassi, Dembo-Rubinstein, Cattell, Eysenck, Schur.

Method 3. Consultation with a psychologist

It is recommended to take the same tests from a practicing psychologist. He will select one of the best options, be able to prepare you for its implementation, correctly interpret the results, and at the same time tell you how to deal with the problem. In especially severe cases (in cases of underestimation with personality and behavior disorders, manic-depressive psychosis), he can give a referral to a psychotherapist.

Working techniques

Dealing with low self-esteem can be done independently and professionally. It largely depends on the age of the person.

With preschoolers

At preschool age, self-esteem is just beginning to form, so pathology is rarely detected. Parents with this problem almost never come to specialized specialists. In prosperous families this is all right, but in dysfunctional families such consultations are of no use. The only ones who ring the bells when it is discovered are teachers and full-time psychologists in kindergartens.

If a preschooler has low self-esteem, work is carried out primarily with the parents, who are primarily to blame for the fact that such a young child has already developed complexes and is diagnosed with psychological traumas with which he will have to go through life. Most often, rough treatment or beatings are detected. It often ends in deprivation of parental rights. It is also possible that children are humiliated by teachers in kindergartens or by one of their relatives. All options need to be considered here.

From practice. The police received a 4-year-old girl who was beaten and shied away from people like a wild animal. When they started talking to her to find out who she was and where she lived, and asked her name, she said: “Idiot.” It turns out that her parents only called her that; she had never heard her own name. She needed long-term psychotherapeutic treatment, but even after it, experts did not guarantee that in the future she would be able to realize herself as a full-fledged person.

The situation with low self-esteem in preschoolers can only be corrected with affection, love, care and attention.

With younger students

The degree to which problems are identified at this age is quite high, because children in elementary school are under the close supervision of a full-time psychologist. During the school year they are given many tests. As soon as the child comes to the attention of a specialist, appropriate work is carried out with him.

It consists primarily of conversations with parents and teachers. Moreover, they are joint, because often the reason is a discrepancy between the attitude towards the child at home and at school. For example, mom and dad pamper him, instill in him his exclusivity, and compared to his peers he turns out to be almost worse than everyone else in some respects. To cope with the problem, these “swings” need to be leveled: parents need to come down from heaven and begin to recognize the shortcomings in their own child, and the teacher needs to help him adapt to the team and focus more attention on his successes.

With high school students

More often than others, teenagers aged 13-17 years old come to psychologists with this problem. At this age, they are bombarded with everything at once: exams, first love, puberty, conflicts with parents and teachers due to a hormonal surge, a change in leading activity (interpersonal relationships come to the fore, not studies) and other factors accompanying growing up. As practice shows, even if a high school student has formed adequate self-esteem by this age, he constantly doubts:

Will I pass the exams?
Do the opposite sex like me?
Am I beautiful?
Do my parents love me?

With healthy social adaptation, he knows how to find the right answers to these questions. But there are only 50% of them. The second half comes to disappointing conclusions:

I won't pass the exams and won't get anywhere.
Nobody likes me, etc.

As a result, the teenager, against the background of low self-esteem, develops neuroses, neurasthenia, mental disorders, autism, and social maladaptation is observed. He may conflict with everyone around him or, on the contrary, withdraw into himself, run away from home, join an informal group, and even commit suicide.

What to do in such cases? Only psychological correction with the participation of a specialized specialist can help here. Methods of work - conversations (with the teenager himself, parents, teachers), lectures, discussions, role-playing games, situational tasks, watching videos, group age trainings.

With adults

Adults rarely turn to psychologists with this problem, since they already end up seeing psychotherapists with prolonged depression, manic-depressive psychosis, hysteria, and neurasthenia. All of them are the consequences of neglected low self-esteem, which no one dealt with in a timely manner.

What techniques can you use to overcome feelings of self-doubt and get out of your dark corner in which you have to hide all your life:

affirmations and auto-trainings;
reading motivating books, watching relevant films and videos;
setting clear and achievable goals, developing a plan for their implementation;
turning to friends and family for support or changing surroundings (as well as changing jobs);
introduction to a healthy lifestyle;
trips;
visits to beauty salons;
sports, dancing, hobbies;
keeping a diary of successes and achievements.

The main thing for such people is to get out of the comfort zone that they have created for themselves over the years. You need to understand that you are no worse than others, that you are on the same level with them, and you must act and think in accordance with this. If everything is not running yet, these techniques will work and return the person to normal life. If the situation is more severe, you cannot do without the help of a specialist.

The importance of self-esteem in a man's life

Depending on how adequate a man’s assessment of himself is, the following develop differently:

relationships with the opposite sex (love, family);
relationships with other men (friendships, work, family);
professional activity;
the whole vector of life - the presence or absence of long-term goals, bad habits, hobbies and interests.

Even if, with low self-esteem, a man builds his life in the way that society considers correct, he will not receive satisfaction. The feeling that happiness is not deserved, doubts, and self-flagellation turn life into hell.

A person is in a complex interaction between how he feels about himself and how this sense of self affects his life and the destinies of those close to him. Therefore, correcting low self-esteem is the goal of many trainings and a popular request for psychologists.

On a note

If there is a person in your environment who suffers from low self-esteem, give him a helping hand: teach him how to communicate, inspire him that he is no worse than others, motivate him to do small “deeds” every day, send him to a psychologist. If this is your subordinate, look for hidden talents and potential in him, give him a job that he can do better than others, praise and encourage him more often.

If this is your significant other, it all depends on the degree of neglect of the situation. If a guy (husband) is to blame for a childhood trauma, you are unlikely to expect career growth and high income from him. Men rarely make contact with specialists, preferring to withdraw into their shell. It’s easier with women: if her husband surrounds her with worthy attention, tells her every day how beautiful she is, there will soon be no trace of low self-esteem.

Low self-esteem is the scourge of many modern people, forcing them to live in their own world and hide their true potential. It leads to numerous personality disorders and neuroses, which not only worsen life, but also significantly shorten it. Therefore, you cannot put up with her. Fight, get out of your cocoon to become happy and full-fledged members of society.

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Woman's self-esteem

An equally important role in a man’s life is played by the self-esteem of a woman—his girlfriend, his wife. Moreover, if a man has low self-esteem, it is unlikely that his chosen one will have a normal sense of self. More likely, she will have high or low self-esteem.

A woman with high self-esteem can destroy a man's self-esteem, even if there were no problems before. And a person with anxiety and depression will be absolutely depressed by such a union.

A girl with low self-esteem will not be able to inflate a man’s self-esteem, as it might seem. In fact, this is a destructive couple in which everyone feels unhappy.

There are several options for the development of events:

A man suppresses a woman, trying to rise at her expense.
A woman helps such a man, but he does not notice the efforts because he is preoccupied with his pain, and such treatment will be in vain.
A woman suppresses a man by projecting her insecurities onto him.

And these are just some of the possible outcomes. It is unlikely that such a couple will live a happy life together.