Overprotection of parents over children. Why is this dangerous? How to overcome?

What is hyperprotection

Hyperprotection is a relationship between parents and children, which is characterized by increased attention, excessive care, and total control of the child’s actions. This behavior occurs in parents because they are afraid for their children, regard many things as a threat to their lives, and therefore limit their freedom of action.

Such upbringing does not lead to anything good: a child, protected from many phenomena, cannot accumulate the life experience necessary for adulthood, and also does not know how to establish social contacts and make informed choices.

Most often, children who have diseases of various types and are the only children in the family are subject to overprotection.

Love or overprotection?

An overprotective mother uses her child to satisfy her needs for dominance and control. Such mothers often lack communication; in everyday life they can be withdrawn and with the child they compensate for the lack of contact with other people.
Or, for some reason, they feel insecure in social life or in relationships with others, and interaction with a child becomes the only possible way for them to feel needed, loved, irreplaceable, and important. The child's helplessness gives the mother unlimited power over him. It is the desire for power, and not true love, that underlies the motivation for the behavior of overprotective mothers.

Reason for overprotection

The birth of a child forces parents to plan what skills, knowledge and values must be passed on to their child. But often ideal ideas do not coincide with the reality and interests of the student himself. Parents violate the child’s personal boundaries and overdo it with upbringing, not taking into account that each individual has their own choice and responsibility for their actions.

This usually happens due to psychological problems and parental complexes. Low self-esteem, anxiety, fears, a tendency towards perfectionism, unfulfillment in life, failure and guilt - all this is the main reason that contributes to the emergence of overprotection.

Signs of overprotection

Before you start dealing with a particular problem, it is important to know its main signs. Signs of overprotection include the following options for parental actions:

The need to constantly be in touch with the child. If the child disappears from their sight or contact for more than a couple of days, they begin to have a panic attack, they may even disturb the child’s neighbors to find out if everything is okay with him;
Interference in a child’s career and finances. Often, instead of helping, such parents only interfere with their child’s career. For example, when a child is looking for a job, parents can tell him where to go and where not to go. Such attempts at manipulation only increase the importance of parents in the eyes of the child due to their reluctance to lose authority at all levels. Also, parents may not give money for travel to the interview if the chosen job does not suit them. There is financial manipulation going on here. And if a child asks his parents for financial help, then, even if he receives it, he will first listen to a bunch of lectures about the fact that he does not know how to properly manage finances and so on. And this, by the way, is partly the mistake of the parents, who did not teach the child to be responsible for their savings in a timely manner;
Direct disbelief in a child if he does not correspond to some fictitious ideals of his parents. For example, it often happens that if a child cannot settle financially in life for a long time, parents put a stigma on him. They say that all the children of acquaintances and childhood friends have been settled for a long time, but the child is like a restless person. But in this case, parents forget that sometimes those who grew up much more slowly became financially secure. There is the same problem with education: If a child has not followed the standards of society, but has decided to decide on a profession so as not to step on a rake, parents also put a stigma on him, talking about his narrow-mindedness and inability to pass the Unified State Exam in the future, they say, everything will be forgotten, and so on. . Such manipulation is just an attempt to force the child to be pleasing to the family. And for some reason, parents do not understand the child’s personal need to understand who he is;
Constant criticism and lack of faith in the child. It's worse if parents talk about it directly. In this case, a child at any age will develop self-doubt and mental dependence on his parents. This is, as a rule, what they achieve.

Features of manifestation

Excessive care and control over a child can manifest itself in different ways. In psychology, according to the characteristics of its manifestation, overprotection is divided into two opposing groups: indulgence and dominance.

Pandering Overprotection

Parents make the child the idol of the family, trying to satisfy all his whims, needs and desires. It is customary to save him from any possible troubles, to solve even minor problems, including making any choice for the child.

Such overprotection in family upbringing leads to the formation of inflated self-esteem, pride, the need to attract all attention to oneself and other hysterical character traits. In adulthood, the child is so dependent on the attention of others that he is even ready to attempt suicide in order to achieve his goal.

Dominant overprotection

The family adheres to an authoritarian parenting style. The child must follow many established rules of behavior and prohibitions. He should not question the parent’s words and resist following orders. The child is punished for any mistake. His parents do not consider him as an individual: they do not recognize his abilities, underestimate them, do not praise him for his successes, but they criticize him for every little thing and express their dissatisfaction. Parents maintain such total control, explaining it: “The safety of the child is most valuable.”

What to do?

There are only two options for resolving the problem for children in the case of parental overprotection.

The first option is to accept it

Resign yourself and live comfortably and comfortably, fully following the parental will. But in the event of the death of their ancestors, such children find themselves completely crushed by living conditions for which they are practically unprepared.

The second option is rebellious

It can also often be observed in everyday life. Having matured, children break free from the care of their parents, which interferes with their development. Unfortunately, this care does not always go smoothly and painlessly for both children and parents.

Sometimes children who have gotten rid of unhealthy parental care often go to great lengths, trying to fill those gaps in life that were under the strictest prohibition.

You can get rid of overprotection only by taking certain actions. Moreover, both parents and children are involved in this process.

Tips for parents

Parents who sincerely wish the best for their children, and are not trying to realize their unfulfilled youthful desires, will try not to go too far in showing care. How to reduce guardianship in order to achieve a healthy balance between the freedom of children, the right to develop their personality and control over the actions of their children?

Here are some tips that can be given to parents in this case:

Do not hush up the negative and boldly tell children about tragedies, accidents, and the death of loved ones, based on children’s age and the ability to adequately evaluate this kind of information.
Give the opportunity to independently make decisions or make choices in a given situation.
Trust the child and gently adjust the preparation and planning of his free time.
Do not dictate terms in choosing friends.
Try to become a friend, and not a strict teacher in raising children.

Children's actions

An open conversation with the possible dotting of all the i's is one of the main ways that children can escape from the unhealthy care of adults.

You should not express everything you think about this in an unfriendly manner or with a challenge. Having chosen a good time for communication, try to behave like an adult, without resorting to accusations, shouting and raised voice.

Calm, just calm!

Only in the case of a calm conversation with a pre-thought-out plan, there is a high probability that you will convey the necessary information to your elders. If your parents' concern is annoying, you shouldn't blame them for it, because, for sure, they are driven by good intentions. Be calm and reasonable so that your conversation remains a confidential conversation and does not turn into another family scandal.

Start living separately

For children who have their own constant source of income, you can simply “separate” and try to live separately. This step is bold, to some extent desperate, but it speaks of the maturity of both the person and the action. You should not completely break off relations with your parents. As the practice of such cases shows, many people greatly regret it later.

Regular meetings and calls will help you not only get rid of possible feelings of guilt towards your parents, but also keep your finger on the pulse of their life, health and psychological state.

Patience and endless respect for the people who gave you life are an option for those children who will be able to accept (and with age, understand) their parents. Not everyone can live nearby, seeing all the negative aspects of overprotection. The choice in all cases is individual.

Symptoms

There are a number of symptoms by which experts identify overprotection:

bans on many types of activities that are aimed at preventing negative consequences;
inability to trust your child and believe in his abilities;
control of all children's interests and social circle;
indifference to the child’s opinion;
lack of patience with the child’s actions (it’s easier to do it yourself).

Diagnostics

Parents themselves are not bothered by overprotection, and a child until adolescence cannot objectively assess and understand that the model of his upbringing is filled with excessive care and control. Therefore, only specialists can assume and diagnose parental overprotection during the study of the emotional and personal sphere.

The following methods are used for this:

Conversation. The psychologist talks with the parents, finds out the peculiarities of upbringing, asks about their concerns, complaints, and clarifies information about the diseases and characteristics of the child. The current picture helps determine the presence or absence of hypercontrol.
Observation. A child under parental overprotection often has certain behavioral characteristics: stiffness, anxiety, obsessive movements of limbs, eyes or lips, reticence, avoidance of eye contact with adults.
“Family Drawing” technique. Its use reveals overprotection if the child draws the dominant parent first, in the center and in a large size. He depicts himself somewhere nearby, but very small.
Tests with interpretations. In such methods, the child deciphers the proposed pictures as a situation in his family, where dominance, guardianship and constant control prevail.
Questionnaires. This is a method for parents, the results of which help to draw conclusions about the type of upbringing, parental attitudes and the degree of their distortion.

Overprotection: consequences and life after total control

It is unlikely that any of the overprotective parents suspects that they are causing enormous harm to the child and are practically acting as a dictator for him. And the child himself does not allow the thought that mom or dad are doing badly, because “everything is done for his sake,” since he himself is “not capable of anything,” “clumsy,” “indecisive,” etc. It is quite natural that Such a child develops a guilt complex.

This is how teenagers become “difficult” and their parents become “uncomprehending.” How do “difficulties” manifest themselves? For example, a child may one day leave the parental control and fall under another - the yard. And here, as you know, there are a lot of options, ranging from smoking to crime. In contrast to an uncontrolled teenager, the option of complete dependence on parents is possible: without a mother or father, a young person is not able to find a friend or soul mate, after graduating from school, choose a university, a profession, and then get a job.

All these “difficulties” share common characteristics: uncertainty, lack of initiative, irresponsibility. Subsequently, a person develops “learned helplessness” - an inability to improve his life, even if there are prerequisites for this. The life of such a person will be much harder than the life of those who have been instilled with independence and a sense of responsibility since childhood.

How do such qualities begin to mature within a child as a result of parental overprotection? The consequences in classic versions can be seen on the playground. Mom or Dad: “Get away from this swing, they’ll break your head or get dirty, and then Mom will have to wash it all off.” And here is a classic example of mother’s overprotection: “If mom says that you can’t do this, then good boys don’t do that.” Or a variant of overprotection over a daughter: “You’re a girl, so you have to be neat and always clean. Don’t get involved in boys’ games, you will be offended here.”

In fact, the child now has only two options - either act secretly from his parents, or do nothing without an order. By prohibiting action, the parent openly communicates that the child is clumsy and will not cope with the task. In other words, it deliberately lowers his self-esteem and develops internal complexes. In addition, the child is deprived of the opportunity to learn, compare and draw his own conclusions from the results obtained.

Correction of overprotection

Correction of overprotection should include measures to interact with both parents and children. It is carried out using the following methods:

Consulting parents. The specialist introduces parents to different types of upbringing and talks about their impact on the development of the child’s personality. During such conversations, adults must understand the existing problem, determine the reasons for its occurrence and the harm that overprotection brings to the child.
Cognitive behavioral psychotherapy. In individual sessions with parents, behavioral errors and the reasons that cause them are discussed, positive and productive behavioral situations are projected that will help maintain confidence, calm and independence. After completing CBT sessions, parents' fears, anxiety and uncertainty should subside.
Family psychotherapy sessions. They provide training on communication, cooperation and mutual understanding. The goal is to get out of interaction within the framework of the previous model of education. Parents and children complete homework and report to the psychologist about the results.

Prevention

To prevent the occurrence of overprotection, parents need to critically assess their psychological state: monitor their fears and anxieties, avoid transferring their complexes and problems from childhood to their child.

Moms and dads should be well aware of the features of child development, in particular, what the zone of proximal development is. On its basis, you can build productive relationships and allow the child to master the necessary social and everyday skills, as well as delegate more and more responsibilities to him, reducing the degree of his participation.

Overprotection: pros and cons

Every situation has its positive and negative aspects. Every person, be it a child or a parent, has to weigh the pros and cons and decide what to do next.

Positive aspects of overprotection

The basic instinct of all parents is to care for their children. Only a loving mother and father will help the baby and growing child explore the world, discover new boundaries of the unknown, protect them from injuries and dangers that await the child at every corner, share their own experience, and teach everything necessary for the child to become independent in the future.

Children who are heavily cared for by their mothers and fathers will not get into trouble, will not commit rash acts, they, as a rule, study well and strive for the goal set, not by them, but by their parents.

Negative points

These are all positive aspects of parental care. But there is also the other side of the coin.

Moments of overprotectiveness that negatively affect children:

inhibition of the process of independent study of the outside world;
inability to make decisions;
fear of the new and unknown.

Parents themselves also suffer from an excess of control over their children - they seem to live their lives, monitoring every step and any relationships outside the family. After the often-occurring “breakthrough” of children from family ties, parents remain depressed. All life sacrificed on the altar of raising children turns out to be in vain...

What does parental overprotection lead to?

Parental overprotection does not lead to anything good, and its manifestations may differ depending on the gender and age of the child.

Mother over daughter

Mother's overprotection of her daughter does not give them the opportunity to gain their own life experience and learn to make decisions. It is important for a girl to know basic housework skills, regardless of whether they are useful to her or not.

A mother can protect her daughter from cleaning the house, cooking, shopping and other things, saying that she “will have time to suffer with this in marriage.” And such an attitude creates a clear connection in the girl that marriage and housework are torture.

How does overprotection manifest itself?

Where is the reasonable line between parent-child friendly relationships and the pathological desire to control absolutely everything in a child’s life? Some mothers and fathers “forget” that their offspring have grown up and continue to care for their son or daughter like little ones, despite their age.

How to determine that excessive care of a mother or father has become a factor interfering with the growth and development of a child?

This is evidenced by the following:

Desire to protect children both physically and emotionally

There are often cases when parents literally come into conflict with their children’s abusers or try to protect their children from negative information by hiding it or presenting it in a distorted light.

Alleviating physical pain through encouragement

The slightest fall or slight injury causes real horror in such adults. Grandmothers often panic over minor physical injuries (bruises, minor scratches) and smooth out such moments with sweets and other rewards.

Parents' inability to stay out of sight of their children

Children who have reached a fairly independent age (5-6 years old) are not even allowed to be in the next room, let alone walk outside on their own or go visit another child.

Defining strict boundaries

Placing the child within a certain framework regarding his behavior, neatness, friends and all that. A large number of rules irritate children; they have a natural desire to break out of the norms and boundaries set by adults.

Exaggeration of disciplinary measures in case of violation of rules

The rigidity of a father’s control over his son most often manifests itself in excessive adherence to the “letter” of the “law” established by the parent. Innocent pranks or the slightest deviation from the norm stated for the child are punished very severely and without the possibility of “amnesty.” Sometimes parents set up a strict system for reward and punishment.

Transferring the child’s life priorities to one area

For example, studying at school or college. Emphasizing all ideals on study can lead to excellent student syndrome in other areas of life, which in the future will bring a number of inconveniences and complexes.

If any of the listed factors prevails in the child-rearing system, then it is worth thinking about what consequences of excessive guardianship your son or daughter will have to endure.

The intentions that prompt a mother or father to behave this way may be quite natural. All parents, to one degree or another, want to put a fence between their children and the troubles that the world of adults necessarily brings. And often grandparents, mothers and fathers simply do not notice that their children are no longer so small and no longer need care.

It is worth listening carefully to the statement of F.E. Dzerzhinsky, who wrote: “Parents do not understand how much harm they cause to their children when, using their parental authority, they want to impose their beliefs and views on life on them.”

Signs of overprotective parents

Overprotection in parents can be determined by many signs:

an adult does not give his son or daughter a choice, but always makes it himself;
everything the baby offers is questioned or rejected;
the child does not know how to do homework on his own;
parents determine the social circle of their son or daughter, choose friends for him;
the baby is protected from any shocks and difficulties;
adults do not trust the child’s strengths and do not believe in his capabilities.

Consequences of overprotection

The results of their study were published in the journal Couple and Family Psychology. According to one of the authors of the study, Chris Segrin, overprotection of children is a very bad method of parenting. He is confident that this approach deprives children of independence and can lead to problems in adulthood. Numerous studies have found that overprotection on the part of parents can lead to stress in a child and even addiction to alcohol and illegal substances. The consequences may not appear immediately, but at the age of 18 to 25 years.

Another visualization of overprotection

How to deal with overprotection: advice from a psychologist

The most important thing that a parent who is overprotective of their child must learn is to see in him an independent person, a person who has his own personal boundaries. To do this, moms and dads must make a long and painstaking journey from controllers to observers.

Here are some tips from a psychologist that will relieve overprotective parents:

Praise your child whenever he tries to take initiative, whether it is successful or not. The main thing is not to lecture or scold him with the words: “It would be better if I did everything myself!”, but to support and praise: “How great you are doing!”, “I believe that you can handle this!”
Assign your child to carry out tasks around the house that are within his power. Let him dress himself, put away his toys, take the dishes away from the table, throw out the trash, etc. It is important not to prohibit doing things that you want: let the baby try to wash the dishes, vacuum, if the desire arises. Yes, most likely, he will have to redo everything, but he will gain a positive experience and will do these things with pleasure in adulthood.
Create a daily routine with your child. He must understand for himself how long lessons can take, and how long walking and games can take. It is advisable to give him the opportunity to do his homework himself - this way he will be responsible for them. Let him know that he can count on the help of his parents, but this should be a specific question or request, and not the excuses “I don’t know,” “I don’t understand,” and “I’m tired.”
Organize additional activities for your child that are not related to school. This is especially useful for indecisive and withdrawn children. If this is a sports section, then he will quickly learn to make decisions and think about responsibility for his actions. If it is music, dancing or handicrafts, then the baby will enjoy the process, the result of his efforts. Children who are not experiencing academic success will be able to experience success and satisfaction.
Give your child the right to make mistakes. Each of us makes mistakes. It is impossible to learn to eat porridge with a spoon without once smearing it all over your face and clothes. Without trial actions it is difficult to learn independence. And adults should support and believe in their children.
Don't finish your child's work. A parent can monitor, help, support his son or daughter, but he should not do everything for him. This will not allow the child to gain faith in himself, but will only provoke the development of infantilism.
Discuss your feelings. Share your experiences with your child so that he learns to notice the feelings and emotions of others. And also talk about what worries him, let him learn to cope with grief and problems - sometimes the silent support of a loved one is enough.

Anxious love

At first, maternal care for the baby is a guarantee of safety. Mom is nearby - it means everything is okay, she picked her up and pressed her to her chest - a feeling of happiness and peace. However, a newborn child does not remain a newborn for life - he grows, develops, is interested in the world, wants to explore it with a minimum of control. And here some parents begin to go to extremes, continuing to overly care for the child, not allowing him to take a single unsupervised step. Such total control is called overprotection of the child: when the child’s independence is limited to a minimum, and parental care turns into tyranny.

Why is this happening? The stressful state provoked by a hormonal surge after childbirth induces anxiety and fears in the young mother, which, by the way, are regularly fueled in the media. The woman begins to feel that the child is constantly in danger, even if everything is fine with him.

After about two months, this obsessive state subsides and the mother begins to feel more confident. If the fears do not go away, but continue to torment the mother’s heart in redoubled mode, it means that the woman needs help: after all, the more parents care for the child, the more fears this gives rise to. In addition, the connection between mother and baby is very strong, and he feels almost the same emotions - fear, worry, anxiety.

In raising children, overprotection begins with “don’t go on the slide - you’ll fall, break your arm and end up in the hospital”, “you can’t go into the pool - you’ll drown.” But this state can last for years, because overprotective parents do not pay attention to age, continuing to “hang” over the schoolchild and teenager: “Don’t walk here - it’s slippery, you’ll fall,” “I’ll cut the bread myself, you’ll cut yourself,” “Don’t touch the matches.” “You’re clumsy, you’ll burn the whole apartment down.” As a rule, all these characteristics have nothing to do with the child, being completely psychological problems of the parents. That’s right - with the best intentions and solely out of love, mothers and fathers make their children insecure, weak, and complex.

In fact, parental overprotection has nothing to do with love, but is simply disguised as it. What's the difference then? It is easy to define: in love there is always trust and respect, in overprotection there is control, mistrust, a demand to obey the parental will, an attempt to remake the child “to suit oneself.” True, there is another extreme - complete permissiveness. And although it looks softer (“You don’t need to touch the knife, dear, I myself, it’s not a man’s business to cut salad”), but as a result it leads to the same disastrous consequences.

As a rule, children of single parents who are dissatisfied with their lives suffer from the overprotection of adults: such mothers and fathers lack the love and confidence that they dream of receiving from a child, “investing” maximum “care” in him.

My experience of interacting with children under parental overprotection

As a primary school teacher, I quite often meet such students in my practice. It is not difficult to identify them, because the consequences of overprotection are immediately evident, mostly negative.

For example, children who are under strict control at home behave differently at school. At first, they answer the teacher’s questions with caution, rarely raise their hand and show initiative. But as soon as they experience a situation of success and feel the support of the teacher, they lose self-control: they forget that they are sitting in class, having fun, fooling around, do not respond to comments, do not see boundaries in communicating with classmates - they behave as they want, until they again fall under total control.

This behavior prevents these children from fully mastering school material, and their inability to think critically and make decisions limits them from completing certain tasks.

Children whose parents comply with their whims on demand also do not perform well academically. They often refuse to complete a task whenever they fail, are offended by any criticism, and do not want to accept help from the teacher and classmates. This greatly inhibits their intellectual development and the acquisition of new knowledge.

In addition, it is difficult for them to establish communication with peers and make friends: due to their immaturity and touchiness, such children are not accepted into the game, do not listen to their opinions, and do not want to help in lessons and breaks.

It often happens that parents cannot pay proper attention to their children due to work. Then the overprotective grandmother appears, who pampers and takes care of her grandson in every possible way.

For parents about overprotection, consultation on the topic

Parents about overprotection

Any mother takes care of her own child, and this is a completely normal natural process. But having a great desire to do the best, some mothers cross all acceptable boundaries. This is exactly how overprotection arises in a family - a blind desire to take the life of your child under protection and complete control.

Overprotection is excessive care for children. It is expressed in the desire of parents to surround the child with increased attention, to protect them even in the absence of real danger, to constantly keep them close to them, to oblige them to act in a certain way that is safest for the parents.

The child’s achievements are emphasized and highlighted in every possible way; An aura of exclusivity and often a cult of permissiveness is created around the child. An already grown child, to whom more serious demands must be made, continues to be treated as a small child. In fact, care and love are external, demonstrative in nature, designed more for the admiration of others and for public effect, rather than for real consideration of the emotional needs and age-related needs of children.

The underlying desire of the mother to “tie” the child to herself, not to let go of her, is often motivated by a feeling of anxiety and anxiety. Then the need for the constant presence of children becomes a kind of ritual that reduces the mother’s anxiety and her fear of loneliness, or more broadly, the fear of lack of recognition and deprivation of support. Therefore, anxious mothers tend to be more protective. This gives rise to a reciprocal feeling of anxiety and dependence on the parents in the child.

Overprotection, caused by the fear of loneliness or unhappiness with the child, can be regarded as an obsessive need for psychological protection of the parent himself, and not the child.

The main unfavorable role of overprotection is the transmission of excessive anxiety to children, psychological infection with anxiety that is not characteristic of age. This gives rise to dependence, insolvency, infantilism, self-doubt, risk avoidance, contradictory tendencies in personality formation, and lack of timely developed communication skills.

Parents need to be aware of whether their attitude towards their children is colored by excessive concern and anxiety. An honest awareness of the hidden motives of one’s behavior, as a rule, contributes to the normalization of attitudes towards children and the entire family atmosphere.

Types of overprotection.

Family idol. This type of overprotection can often be found in families with one child. Parents idolize their baby: they satisfy his every whim, solve all his problems, and praise him to the skies for the slightest success. In all his actions, his mother and father find only charms, and even the pranks of the “idol” are unique or simply not noticed.

It seems involuntarily that the child is lucky: he is adored, he is truly loved, he is loved not just, but without limit. Or rather, “the navel of the earth” and “talents,” admiring them and often demonstrating these imaginary abilities to acquaintances, relatives and friends. Such a child, firmly believing in his exclusivity, grows up as a capricious, self-willed egoist, only consuming and not wanting to give in return.

While ahead of his peers in demands, the “idol” of the family often lags behind them in basic developmental skills: he is not able to dress himself or cope with a task in a notebook. Parents release the child from all responsibilities. And this will affect later, when working life begins. In the meantime, such a child is practically impossible to adapt to preschool institutions, where he stands out only for his endless whims and lagging behind most of his peers in the ability to cope with basic things. The sword of Damocles of mental discomfort hangs over him. The parents themselves cultivated this through their methods of education.

Overprotective. Such a child is deprived of independence and does not strive for it even during the crisis of 3 years. It makes no sense for him to “rebel”, defending his Self. After all, the fact that he is different from others was instilled in him from birth, and he knows perfectly well that he is unique. Any conflict with parents is a defeat. The kid is accustomed to obeying and following the advice of adults, who have thought through his entire life to the smallest detail and “developed” its route, unwittingly turning into dictators. Without realizing it, out of the best intentions, they dictate every step of the child and control him in everything. Under “press control,” their baby loses his individuality, resembling a clockwork robot. He knows for sure: this must be done this way, and this must be done this way...

Adults with a powerful and strong character demand from their children absolute obedience and compliance with all instructions. This is the complete opposite of the previous option, because care here is represented not by permissiveness, but by a real dictatorship. Without parental consent, the child cannot take a single step.

Quite often, parents not only admire the child, but also “prepare” the child prodigy. The baby is loaded to the limit. He wants to live up to expectations. And in order for him to justify them, he is protected not only from the vicissitudes of fate, but also from the blow of any breeze. And since they protect it, it means that it really is of great value. Everyone can run barefoot, but he can’t, he’ll get a puncture on his leg; all the children eat ice cream - but he can’t, it’s cold, and suddenly... sore throat; everyone is allowed to swim in the river except him: it’s deep there, he’ll suddenly choke... He is truly unique... and, believing this, the baby elevates his personality, day by day only plunging deeper into the greenhouse “climate” of his family.

Overprotection leads to lack of will and deprives creativity. Living according to clues is existence. Such children, having already become adults, can join the ranks of losers; It is very difficult for them to live in a group. Quite often, overprotection, which does not stop during adolescence, leads to a violent reaction of protest.

Education “in the cult of illness.” The maternal desire to protect the baby, at all costs, gradually turns into an obsession. The mother sacrifices all her time for protection, ready at any moment to meet an imaginary threat. This type of parenting usually occurs when a child is sick with some kind of chronic disease, or when parents, fearing that their child will suddenly fall ill, are shaking in horror over him, preventing all his wishes. And he, perceiving every illness as his privilege, which gives him special rights, unwittingly speculates on the created situation and abuses it.

Such a child wants people in the house to indulge all his desires, tremble over him, and take care of him. He understood all his rights well, not thinking that there were more responsibilities. Such a child is a little tyrant. He achieves everything, even if sometimes he has to pretend to do it, invent a new disease. Quite often, he is actually concerned about his health, listening to himself. He expects sympathy and compassion from everyone. And he even “fights” for it. Such children, growing up, often find it difficult to adapt to reality. They, cherishing only themselves and not accustomed to sacrificing anything, often choose the path of opportunists or sycophants. Their fate is that of weak-willed and pampered people.

These different types of overprotection have one thing in common - the child becomes a hostage, deprived of at least some independence and the opportunity to learn something from his own experience.

Consequences of overprotection

Overprotection can greatly influence the future life of a child, and it all depends on what kind of character he has. Some children resign themselves to constant parental control and become obedient: completely weak-willed and passive. They don’t do anything themselves, but only when they are told to. As a rule, they are not interested in anything and do not strive for anything. When they find themselves in an unfamiliar environment, they immediately become lost and feel completely helpless.

However, there are those who resist, are stubborn, and always want to break free. By adolescence, such behavior develops into serious conflicts with parents, everything is used - from ordinary disobedience to lies and aggression. In relationships with others, such children often use deception, stay away from their families, and adapt faster than others to a negative environment.

With overprotection, the child is deprived of the opportunity to overcome difficulties on his own. As a result, he loses the ability to mobilize his energy in difficult situations; he expects help from adults, especially from parents; so-called learned helplessness develops - a conditioned reflex reaction to any obstacle as insurmountable. The child is accustomed to the idea that he is incapable, in principle, of making the right decision even in the simplest situation.

Often, a mother tries to form an isolated communication pair in the family with her daughter, overly protective of her and not allowing the father to participate in her upbringing. Such a situation can adversely affect the formation of the girl’s character and her subsequent relationships in marriage.

As a result of overprotection, infantile, insecure losers grow up. And if a mother hopes that such a child will support her in old age, then she is mistaken. As soon as she gets old and weak, such a child, feeling his superiority for the first time in his life, will most likely take it out on her for all his failures in life.

Another possible scenario is the child leaving the family. As soon as the opportunity to leave care arises, the child will immediately take advantage of it. The methods of such care are varied. This could be a hasty marriage, or running away from home, or deliberately entering a university in another city, or simply moving to another city. In this case, the child almost always tries to completely interrupt communication with his parents. And, again, the parents of this child may not even dream of any support in old age.

In any case, it is very difficult for children who grew up under overprotection to build their lives; it is difficult for them to start a family or make a career. Such children have to live and fight all their lives with an inferiority complex and their own worthlessness, hammered into their subconscious by “loving” mothers.

What to do?

Recommendations for parents

It is difficult for an adult to admit that he or she has a tendency to be overprotective. But if this barrier has been overcome, then everything else will be easier to do. Start controlling not the child, but your attitude towards him, for example:

Do not demand that you make the right decision in a given situation. Remember: all people make mistakes, and this is the only way they learn not to repeat mistakes. Let him gain his own life experience. Always trust your child.
Respect the child's wishes and personal space. If a child says that he does not like onions in cutlets, then there is no need to insist that he does not understand anything, and the onions are not felt there at all. Just make a couple of cutlets without onions. Don't listen at the door and don't burst into his room without knocking.
Reduce control to a minimum level. Avoid the expression “Mommy always knows what’s best for you.”
Allow your child to be independent (if his actions are not dangerous); Start offering your child choices. Let him learn to make decisions himself. For example, “I bought bananas and apples. What do you want to eat? If your child is not used to choosing on his own and finds it difficult to answer, simply place both a banana and an apple in front of him. Let him eat what he wants.
Encourage interaction with peers, intervening only at critical moments. Teach your child to take into account the opinions and interests of other children. Explain to your child the reason for the conflicts, for example: “You didn’t share the toy, so the guys were offended, and so they decided to play another game, and you were left alone with your toy. Next time you can share a toy and the guys will play with you. It's more fun to play together"
Scold if necessary, but without humiliation. Evaluate not the child, but his action, so that the child knows that “it’s not me who is bad, but my action.”
Don’t talk to your child in a commanding tone, but don’t babysit like you would with a baby.
Give your child freedom. So, let him choose his friends and do his homework. If there are problems, he himself will ask you for help and advice. But even then, avoid giving directions and orders, just give him advice in a respectful manner.

At first it will be difficult for the child - after all, he is not used to deciding anything on his own. But very soon he will learn and you will be surprised how intelligent and independent your child can be.

Of course, parents should always be ready to help, but this does not oblige them to live instead of their children. It is better to observe and suggest, rather than follow on their heels and force or do everything for them.

Children need to be supervised. But control should be soft and unobtrusive. You must advise and explain. Don't order and demand.