Lack of separation from parents or psychological immaturity causes many people to have problems with self-esteem, decision-making and the need for approval. Therefore, overcoming such emotional dependence is an important stage of growing up.
To understand the concept of “separation” and find out what it is, let’s consider why to separate from parents, what the consequences may be and what actions need to be taken in order to undergo separation as an adult.
Why do you need to separate from your parents?
Separation is the separation of a child from his mother, as well as from his parents and his family as a whole. The result of this process is the ability to independently manage and manage all aspects of one’s life, as well as the ability to make decisions and take responsibility for them.
A child comes into this world completely dependent on his mother, and a deep emotional and physical connection arises between them. Every day the baby grows, learns new things, becomes more and more independent and by the end of adolescence becomes an adult and independent person.
But if for a child the process of separation is natural, inherent in nature, then for parents this is not so. Often mothers worry so much about their children and get so used to being responsible for them that they stop seeing the child as an adult.
All this does not allow a person to gain the special sense of self inherent in independent people, and makes them experience a constant feeling of guilt and fear for their actions, which their parents will not approve of.
How to separate from parents as an adult
In order to separate from your parents and not spoil your relationship with them, you need to do a lot of work on your thinking and behavior. Step by step it will look like this.
Farewell to childhood
The realization that childhood is over and you can no longer behave like a child is very sobering and opens up new horizons.
This is the only way a person can take full responsibility upon himself, begin to take initiative in any matter, become active, competitive and ready to realize himself.
Awareness of parental influence
All people came from a family that influenced them, instilled and imposed its usual attitudes. Even if an adult thinks that he performs actions of his own free will, upbringing also influences their acceptance.
Until there is an insight that through various actions a person is only repeating the scenarios of his parents and trying to meet their expectations, complete separation will not happen.
Manipulation tracking
Often parents manipulate their child when they do not want to let him grow up and become financially and psychologically independent. Therefore, tracking and combating manipulation is another mandatory step towards separation.
What's the hardest thing about separation?
BUT! Separation is a two-way process. And the other one from whom you are separating will desperately resist this process, because... this will also force him to face the same experiences that are happening to you. But he doesn't want to! He wants to continue to influence your life, thus gaining a feeling of significance and fulfillment. He will be offended by you, accuse you of betrayal, rejection, use. He will become helpless and suffer.
Even with one’s own readiness to separate, it is very difficult to withstand this pressure and at the same time remain in a close relationship with a loved one. The feeling of guilt inevitably runs high. But beyond this, both parties inevitably feel a sense of loss due to the loss of the previous relationship. Because of this, you can even temporarily forget how deadly stuffy it was in them and return.
Often we are so afraid of this last wave of separation, realizing that it will finally tear us out of childhood, cause pain to us and our loved ones and force us to swim further, relying only on ourselves, that we avoid it, not daring to face it. And we continue and continue to conduct internal dialogues with our parents (and other authorities), blaming and making excuses, taking offense and proving, evaluating our every action through their eyes. Even when they have been dead for a long time.
Separation is a lifelong process. First we separate from our parents. And then from their children. Each new stage, each turn begins with a crisis, accompanied by loss of direction, powerlessness, pain due to the loss of previous relationships, and loneliness. Everyone, finding themselves at this point, finds themselves at a fork in the road - to return what was and remain on the previous turn or turn towards the “storm”, which inevitably precedes the exit to the next turn of the spiral.
... I stroke my girl's hair. She is still so mine. She has my facial expressions, she repeats my expressions and wants to be like me. But I know that the inexorable waves of separation with each new wave will carry her further away from me and bring her closer and closer to herself. And I’m already slowly unclenching my hand, although my mother’s heart wants to grab her in an armful, bury her in her hair and inhale, absorb every moment of her childhood, crying about the inevitability of parting with her.
Separation stages
There are 4 stages of separation of children from parents, each of which has its own significance and influence on the further development of the individual.
If each stage is completed by the child completely and on time, then he will enter adulthood as a mature and independent person who is ready to take responsibility and overcome the troubles and problems that arise without parental help.
From birth to 1 year
The child is born completely dependent on the mother. Every month he acquires small but new skills: rolls over, crawls, holds a spoon himself, takes his first steps, etc.
Myth 3. If separation is not completed, there are psychological problems
Psychologist Marina Rybnikova believes that if separation never happened, it makes sense to think about why it happened.
The parent does not give freedom, ties you to himself, imposes his, the only correct opinion? The child does not take responsibility, is there learned helplessness? Or is it both? There's a lot to think about here. We can definitely assume that there are unresolved difficulties in this family.
Marina Rybnikova
Psychologists talk about the importance of separation for a reason. Otherwise, dependence on parents turns into a habit. With age, cutting such a knot and gaining independence will become increasingly difficult.
The main wish for parents is to understand and realize that children do not have to be like us, they are independent individuals who need support and support until a certain time. Help if children ask for it, but be able to give freedom when necessary. If it doesn’t work out, if you feel that there are problems, then contact a specialist, so you will help not only yourself, but also the child.
Alexandra Kondrakhina, psychologist
Separation techniques from parents
There are 3 techniques for separation from parents, but they must be used together.
- Work through grievances. You need to understand yourself, remember all the unpleasant moments associated with your parents, and forgive them. The best way to do this is with paper: write down all the grievances and tear or burn the sheet, thus throwing out all your pain.
- To express gratitude. Parents did a lot for their child, no matter how the communication developed: they gave life, raised, cared for, loved and devoted time. For all this they should be sincerely thanked.
- Build personal boundaries. This is one of the most difficult techniques, because the habit of interfering in your child’s life will be very difficult to eradicate. But it’s worth trying to do this, repeating again and again: protect personal space from strangers, set boundaries for communication and topics that cannot be discussed.
These separation techniques will be successful when both parties agree on the following:
- parents will get used to the idea that the child must independently enter adulthood, and will stop interfering in all his affairs;
- the child will feel that from now on he alone is responsible for himself and his actions, and will no longer feel fear and embarrassment for his decisions in front of his parents.
The problem of separation
Although most young people are enthusiastic about setting out on their own, the process of truly separating from family is fraught with challenges. Not all parents are ready to happily send them on an “independent voyage.” Many mothers suffer from trying to warn their child about a possible “danger,” thereby unconsciously imposing their fears and doubts on him. A boy and a girl, reaching adulthood, ask questions about how to live, what ideals to follow, where to find the only right path for themselves? It is extremely important to learn to make decisions on your own, to stop living according to the direct orders of adults.
The problem with separating grown children is that not everyone has the opportunity to immediately acquire a separate living space. Many continue to live with their parents for years, already raising their own child.
How life changes after separation from parents
Separation is a rather painful process, but after it is completed, life changes greatly. A person manages to build adult relationships with the world, and many actions and actions become simpler and easier.
A separated person can:
- do not depend on the approval or disapproval of others when making decisions;
- say “no” without feeling guilty or other negative emotions;
- ask for something without being offended by refusals;
- build harmonious relationships with others, despite differences in views;
- provide for yourself financially;
- manage finances wisely;
- express your point of view, which differs from the opinion of your parents.
What is separation
A formidable and terrible word meaning separation. In the case of relationships, this is the separation of a person (figure, personality) from a dyad, troika, group and his further functioning as a separate, independent person. Separation is a necessary condition not only for the formation of human independence. This is generally a necessary condition in order to become yourself, to be the master of your life, to feel joy and satisfaction from it.
Separation – separation, separating oneself from. This is the path of growing up and maturing as a person. Its result is independence (financial and emotional), self-confidence, a sense of self-worth, understanding of one’s desires, peace of mind and satisfaction.
But this is all after the separation has occurred.
And while this process is going on, it is like a storm in the ocean, like a storm that blows the familiar and dear to pieces, like an element that simultaneously destroys and creates.
My recommendations
To accomplish separation from parents, you need to go through all its stages step by step. It's not easy at all, so it's worth keeping the following things in mind.
- Do not rush to go through all the stages of separation quickly: each of them should bring its own effect, even if it is painful.
- Realize and accept that parents may have their own psychological problems that affect you: excessive control, overprotection, infantilism, etc.
- Be honest with yourself, separation from your parents may not happen, because you have your own benefits from it (you don’t need to make decisions, manage your budget, build relationships with others).
- Forgiveness and gratitude to parents is one of the most important stages of separation. Even if you move away from them, but continue to be offended, the psychological attachment will not disappear.
- Try to accept your negative sides. Throughout the process of separation, you will experience dissatisfaction, guilt, ingratitude, etc. If you do not hide these emotions, but think about where and why they come from, then from them you can obtain a powerful resource of strength and energy for further actions.
Consequences of incomplete separation
If the psychological separation of children from their parents is not successful, then a number of conflicts arise in families. A mother can constantly interfere in the adult life of her children, give them instructions, control every step. This problem is especially acute in those families in which old parents and young people live together. They have different interests and views on life, but they have to stay under the same roof and constantly defend their point of view.
As is known, the process of alienation from an adult begins at the moment of birth. Year after year, the child begins to learn new things and wants more independence. However, parents, fearing for the safety of their children, try to constantly monitor them. Adults slow down the separation process. If children agree with their parents' instructions, they grow up unadapted to life and constantly hide behind their mother's skirt.
In adolescence, a child who is under pressure from relatives is uninitiative. He tries not to anger his dad and mom, studies diligently, and behaves well at school. The teenager is under constant control of his parents and does not feel his own importance.
Tired of constant parental control, children try to rebel. They have already grown up, they want independence, but excessive care has spoiled them too much. Teenagers do not know how to properly build relationships with others and how to behave in society. The guys, sensing freedom, fall under the influence of the street, start drinking alcohol, smoking, and committing crimes.
Girls run away from their parents to marry the first person they meet or do adult things for money. Although the young people grew up and received freedom, they remained children. They cannot start their lives correctly and find a normal job. They have no one to tell them what to do right. After all, they had already separated from their parents, although they never truly became adults.
In the case of unfinished separation, the young man is looking for a partner from whom he wants to receive the warmth that he lacks. After all, he lost the affection and love of his parents. Such an individual constantly strives to earn the approval of his partner. He adapts to the interests of his loved one, dissolves in him, forgetting about himself. Sometimes such emotional dependence becomes a burden to the partner and the union quickly falls apart. Normal relationships are built on mutual respect between two autonomous individuals with their own interests and views on life.
The state of uselessness in which the young man finds himself may also indicate unfinished separation. If his parents did not pay him enough attention as a child, he will look for love on the side. However, without learning from adults how to properly build relationships with others and being embarrassed to bare their soul to a loved one, such an individual will not be able to find love.
Incomplete separation always leads to the formation of complexes and negative dependencies in mature children. Being an adult does not mean living separately from your parents. An adult must be able to choose the right life guidelines, defend his position, live according to the norms of behavior in society and be able to independently overcome all difficulties.
