What do you really want?
When you talk about how men don’t notice you, that you are “invisible” to them, what exactly are you talking about? The question is important and helps you focus on your real problem and your desire. Do you miss sex, do you want regular, easy meetings, or get married and have children? We can cautiously assume that we are still talking primarily about family, or at least about long-term relationships.
If you just walk down the street and watch couples, it may seem that a woman simply has no chance of being left alone. So many different appearances and characters are presented. So what is the matter, what prevents you from being like this, so that loneliness does not become your faithful and only companion for life?
In mating games, our physiological nature is of great importance, namely, the ability to feel what is hidden. An unprepared person will not even be able to explain what is happening, but his intuition may scream that he should not approach this person or, especially, build a long-term relationship. This means that men intuitively “feel” those women with whom they cannot build relationships. And, of course, vice versa.
What can turn men off so much that there is no chance for female happiness?
How is dependence on other people's opinions formed?
Alien at the celebration of life
When we are born, each of us has the right to our own life and our place in it. But over time, many are deprived of this right. This happens in various ways. Here are just the most common ones.
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Connecting a child with one of the relatives. For example, parents give the baby a name in honor of someone close to them. By doing this, they seem to push the baby to repeat the fate of this person. Or adults try to see one of their relatives in the child. “Oh, how much you look like dad!” - the parents rejoice, unconsciously giving the message to the baby: “Be like your father!” To please mom and dad, the baby is forced to hide his individuality and become someone he is not.
Parental rejection of the child. Sometimes parents unconsciously want to make a comfortable child out of their baby. Living with a quiet and unpretentious child is much more comfortable than living with an active and active one, so the child’s attempts to express himself are often suppressed.
Deprivation of one's place in the family . Everyone in the family has their own corner. But sometimes, due to various circumstances, the child is not allocated his own place. This can manifest itself in different ways. For example, parents do not buy a separate crib for their baby, but put him in their bed. Or everyone sits at a common table, and the child eats separately. In this case, he seems to have his own place, but in reality he is isolated from the family.
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"Quicker!" “Quiet!” “You’ll break it!” What should you not say to your child?
Punishment. A small child does not know the rules by which to live; he has a lot to learn. And one of the main tasks of parents is to help the child adapt to this world and be able to cope with the difficulties that arise in life. But sometimes mom and dad forget that it takes time to learn something. And then, instead of teaching the child those things that he cannot do, the parents punish him for doing something wrong. It's not always about physical punishment. For example, parents often take offense at their child and unconsciously convince him that he is bad. And this leads to the child not feeling safe. He loses self-confidence - and then one of the possible ways out of the situation becomes the image of an invisible man.
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What kind of man do you choose?
Women tend to say that, for example, after 5 years of absence of at least some kind of relationship, they are ready for any man. But most likely this is not the case. You are still waiting for a very specific type, making certain demands, but, quite obviously, these men do not respond to you. It's like being in different rooms with one way glass. You see him, wait, maybe even wave your hands invitingly, but he just glances at you with an indifferent gaze, as if there is no one behind the glass.
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You have no interests
There is no more boring person than someone who is not interested in anything. It may be difficult for you to communicate with people who do not share your specific tastes, but not having them in principle is a road to nowhere. People run away from boring people because they bring melancholy and are completely unable to give anything good to this world.
What to do: Develop your horizons, quit your boring job, remember that you have talents, try yourself in something new that used to scare or stop you. Also be interested in what other people are doing.
You are focused on some external focus
You may be focused on work, on mothering, on charity, or on something else. Moreover, they are not just focused, but it means that this is your main passion in life. Of course, this is felt by men, and they simply give you a wide berth. And this is understandable, who is interested in being furniture?
I wonder why you need a man in this case? Don’t forget that the thesis “Love me for who I am” just sounds nice, but doesn’t work well. Relationships involve compromise and change on both sides. Without change there is no interaction. But this is an axiom.
Self-oppression - no one deserves this but us?
Diffidence
On the opposite end of the projection spectrum is self-doubt, which can interfere with the development of friendships.
Self-doubt can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you assume that people won't like you and don't take the risk of getting to know them, you won't be able to make new friends.
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Shy people often seem like snobs to others. If you are shy, try to overcome it in new situations.
Say something like “This is my first time at this church, do you come here often?”, then you can ask what the person likes here, etc.
Or if you see someone sitting alone on the sidelines at an event, you might say, “I’m not a cocktail party person. Do you mind if I join you?”
You are fascinated by incomprehensible mystical practices
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That is, you visit psychics, bewitch and turn away someone, actively cleanse the chakras, travel through past lives, believe in the transmigration of souls and other mysticism. Again, it's a matter of how much. If only slightly, then this is unlikely to be a problem, but if you are an active participant in some movement, then difficulties may arise with your personal life.
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Men tend to:
- Be wary of such women, as they may consider this a manifestation of a hint of madness
- It may be assumed that not the most savvy representatives of the fair sex believe in mystical practices.
In general, it all depends on the degree of absorption and the practice in which you participate.
Acceptable spiritual practices that men perceive relatively calmly include feng shui (provided you don’t run to close the toilet lid every time if someone forgot to close it), yoga, meditation, tai chi and some others.
If your hobby is on the verge of fanaticism, then, unfortunately, this is often reflected in your facial expression and this is something that is difficult to hide. Yes, among the types in our heads there is one like that. Very often we subconsciously sense fanatics. It is clear that if a man is not ready to share your passion completely, then he will stay away.
Body and sexuality
The point is that body and physiology go a long way in getting noticed. This is not primarily about your shape, but about the manifestation of femininity through the body. A woman has completely different movements, facial expressions, gestures, postures, gait and many other manifestations that are difficult to “sort out”, but which are almost instantly picked up by men on a subconscious level.
That is, a woman should live in your body, and not something difficult to identify. Think about how often you criticize yourself? “I’m scary”, “I’m fat”, “I’m old”. Believe me, this is not important, provided that you have the “habits” of a real woman. These same “habits,” since they belong to a woman, will by definition be sexual. You may need to practice and emphasize your strengths, but this is a matter of technique. But if you don’t like being a woman at all - sexy and desirable, for example, considering it a sign of weakness, then the problem is much deeper.
And, of course, you shouldn’t be shy about presenting all your skills to men. You must be able to flirt and enjoy it. If there is a real woman inside you, then it is in your blood. You must be open, ready to communicate, and your body must confirm this readiness.
We must love men. And respect too.
Natalia_Kollegova / Pixabay
You may not have thought about it, but in order for men to love you, you need to love men. A common misconception among women looking for relationships is that they actually love men. Very often, a sincere desire to love is replaced by the demands of society, family attitudes, envy, and rationality.
This may be due to childhood trauma and other costs of upbringing. In any case, a love affair turned into a “wedding” operation is rarely successful.
If you do not trust men as a gender, if you are prejudiced towards them, then, in addition to the fact that you yourself subconsciously avoid them, men themselves try to stay away from you.
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Costs of education
Many people perceive an inconspicuous person as a model of modesty. And modesty in our society is considered a virtue. Having appeared in a family where these ideas are cultivated, the child begins to learn how to become invisible.
It would seem that what’s wrong with modesty? Nothing. Only invisibility and modesty are two different things. Invisibility deprives a person of the ability to take care of himself. Each of us has needs and desires, everyone sometimes needs help and support from other people. If a person is able to express himself, he can ask his family for something. Invisibles lack this skill. And, in order to get what they need, they have to resort to various manipulations. That is why, the longer the communication with the invisible person goes on, the brighter the feeling of guilt and awkwardness will be among those around you. And sooner or later they will want to either run away or do something for the modest guy. But in both cases, close people will experience irritation. And this will further increase the feeling of guilt in front of a person who does nothing wrong. The invisible man’s manipulation is based on this feeling of guilt, so that, without asking for anything, he can get from others what he needs.
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Family time, but HIM is still missing?
Your behavior during the period when you think it’s time to start a family and have children may be similar to the behavior of a person who sees the end of a departing train and makes the final rush, pushing everyone away with his elbows, stepping on their feet and knocking them down along the way.
You can be sure that this is “read” in your behavior. The men may not be fully aware of what is happening, but they feel it is open season on them and are trying to push past the red flags*).
This situation is unpleasant for men because they are being hunted not as people, but for their male role. That is, because a woman without a husband is wrong. In fact, such a woman's personality will not be complete unless she finds her man. But, I must say, the thesis about two halves is very far-fetched. The modern concept of family is not a union of two incomplete hearts, from which one becomes one, but a union of two individuals who are not so dependent on each other as to grow together like Siamese twins.
*) Red flags - this is how hunters fence off the territory of wolves, not letting them outside. Wolves are afraid of fire, but do not understand that the red flag is not fire and retreat.
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Why do we tend to regret something?
Why men don't notice me: 5 reasons to discover and deal with
Are you single, although all your friends are already married? And you still wonder why men don't notice me. Indeed, why, and how to fix this situation? In our article, we look at what repels men, and why they prefer other women to you, even though you are no worse than them?
Why men don't notice me: obvious and unobvious reasons
When asking the question why men don’t see me as a woman, it’s worth looking for reasons not that there is something wrong with the men around you, but in what exactly you are doing wrong.
Childhood trauma
If a woman with enviable regularity finds herself on the sidelines of life, although she clearly does not deserve it, she will have to look for the problem in childhood. In the end, the upbringing of a girl from childhood, a complete or single-parent family, the attitude of her parents towards her and much more are of great importance.
For example, the absence of a father accustoms a girl to the idea that she must be her own support. You can’t rely on anyone - your mother didn’t rely on you. It’s great if a girl’s mother manages to meet a worthy man who can somehow replace her father. It’s worse if there were attempts, but were not successful - this leaves a significant imprint on the future woman’s soul, which will be very difficult to erase later. A woman thinks that men are unreliable creatures, which is directly reflected in her attitude towards all representatives of the stronger sex, and is also transmitted in communication with them. Men, feeling distrustful, constrained and negatively assessing themselves, begin to avoid such a woman.
Another question is if the girl was limited in communication with others, especially with boys. Over time, the girl understands that they are different, that she does not know how to deal with them and find a common language, and this misunderstanding goes into adulthood, being reflected in such a way that the girl simply does not know what to do with them and how to act correctly in one situation or another. The best solution that comes to her mind is to diligently avoid such contacts. However, you can’t run far from the social markers of success and a happy life, and sooner or later a girl has to think about where to find a person with whom she can build a family. The man still cannot be found (after all, the girl still avoids all men), and the lady is plunged into severe disappointment.
Complexes repel men
Even if a girl was raised well and happily, she can still be unhappy in love, because she has convinced herself of her own substandardness.
Men, to whom it is clearly and clearly conveyed that something is wrong with a woman, diligently avoid her company, because why do they need a woman who considers herself not good enough for him. He believes that for his part he knows better and does not even think of doubting the obvious.
Complexes can be very different. For example, one of the most painful issues, and the most pressing, is excess weight. When a man came with a woman to a restaurant and she ordered a salad (and it was a steak), and chewed it all evening, talking about how harmful it is to eat steak, he is unlikely to see her again. He actually lost his appetite, and appetite is sacred to him.
Or another case. You are unhappy with your nose (the hump is a little larger than necessary, or the tip of the nose is too round). This is most likely not noticeable to anyone except you, but you are seriously concerned about it. And so you tell the unfortunate person who finally decided to have dinner with you what exactly is wrong with your nose. And he lost his appetite again. It is unlikely that he will meet you again - maybe he will have to marry you later, and then, you know, genetics.
Loving yourself is very important - and not a word about complexes. The more you think and the more you talk about them, the more you impose on others the idea that there really is something wrong with you.
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Commercialism is a vice, not a virtue
In addition to what comes from childhood and your numerous complexes, there is also what you have adopted from modern society. A kind of “it’s the way it’s supposed to be” that no one can escape. Perhaps the most common is commercialism. A woman is convinced that she is a queen and deserves the best - or she convinces herself, which is even worse. And someone should provide this best for her. A man, of course. But the average lady does not consider it necessary to be close to a man on the path to his success and support him. She wants to receive everything at once, to provide, give good gifts and carry in her arms in every possible way. And men, of course, don’t like this at all - they rightly want to be treated like a human being, sincerely and sincerely, and not like a wallet on legs, which, on occasion, they can also show off to their friends.
Who should pay for a woman in a cafe?
A complex and controversial issue facing men and women. Here you should be guided by a number of principles - and the first of them is that a man is not obliged to pay for you. Maybe, but it doesn't go without saying. And if you hint to him about this directly, he will most likely refuse to continue communicating with you. After all, every gesture should be from the heart, and not under duress. Such commercialism and adherence to stereotypes are very often the answer to the question of why men don’t notice me, asked by many women.
Too many men for a woman
Another interesting and very common point is the desire to get as many partners as possible. Still they do it. But know that if a man recognizes that you had an affair with one of his friends, nothing will definitely work out with him.
Fear of relationships
Why do I need a relationship at all, you think every time you meet someone who is potentially good enough to be your husband. I'm fine as is. And all because you are afraid.
It is possible that this man will turn out to be a womanizer and you will be hurt. Or maybe a domestic tyrant, and you will be hurt again. Or he will leave you, and yes, you will be hurt again. It's better not to risk it at all.
But think about it, if you didn't take risks, would you get the best thing in your life? Would you find a good job, great friends, and experience the most exciting adventures of your life? Hardly. Perhaps an exception should be made for relationships? Don't think that men don't feel your fear. Yes, and he pretty much pushes them away.
There is a time to be silent, there is a time to speak
According to men, there is nothing better than a woman who is silent. However, following their lead is also not the point. It's worth considering some points.
Forget about rudeness
First, forget about rudeness. At all. Because a woman who is rude to a man or anyone else is completely unattractive and even repulsive.
Secondly, it’s also not a good idea to be too clever. One question if you are smart in your own right and want to keep the conversation going. The other is if you literally scream about it, like, look how smart I am. Men are very repulsed by this.
And finally, a chatty woman who literally won't shut her mouth is too tiresome to be around comfortably for any length of time. It would be better if he did it on his own, alone. So, maybe not as fun, but much calmer.
What are you like in the eyes of men?
Let's figure out what you're doing wrong. How do men see you? To do this, you need to answer simple questions.
Which style do you prefer?
Men are not too fond of aggressive sexuality or deliberate modesty in clothing. A woman who prefers the first option is not trustworthy. As for the shy woman, men are not only not sure that such a woman has something to interest them, but they also don’t know how to talk to her at all. Carefully calibrated style, femininity, zest and excellent taste - this is what men prefer.
How do you prefer to spend your Sunday morning?
Men don’t really like boring young ladies who are not particularly passionate about anything. Hobbies, your life's work and other activities that make you an interesting conversationalist and an attractive woman are definitely welcome.
How do you behave when you meet an interesting man?
The answer to the question of why men don’t notice me can also be found in your behavior when meeting a potential partner candidate. Too active and intrusive behavior will definitely push a man away; he will simply be afraid of you.
If you look like a doll with frozen actions that cannot give out anything interesting, this is also a reason to ignore all your interest and look for another woman.
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Ask your loved ones and good friends to rate themselves
If you have reliable relatives, friends and acquaintances who are capable of an independent opinion (and those who will not laugh or tell anyone later), ask them to tell you what impression you make. Ask them to speak frankly. (You shouldn't do this unless you are ready to make very unpleasant discoveries about yourself.) Listen carefully, calmly and without arguing. Clarify what you don’t understand, analyze and think about where it comes from and in what direction you should change.
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Andrey Petrakov
Hello! This is a blog on psychology, in which significant attention is paid to the topics of psychological violence - abuse, narcissism, relationships, personal crises, taking responsibility for one's life, increasing self-esteem, existential problems. The cost of consulting a psychologist is 3000 rubles/hour, in person (Moscow, Maryina Roshcha metro station), or via Skype About us/Make an appointment
Latest materials: (See all)
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You're lazy
Girls who get up early and constantly do things are considered much more attractive than those who sit in their pajamas all day and don't want to do anything. Relaxing is useful and fun, but we must not forget that laziness corrupts and destroys potential, and this is unattractive.
What to do: Start playing sports, acquire healthy habits, go for a walk, see friends, attend cultural events, or at least just change the environment. Find yourself a hobby or think about what you can do at work that will not only save you from laziness, but also help in your career. Do some spring cleaning if all of the above seems too overwhelming to begin with.
