How to survive a crisis in men at 45 years old

Perhaps everyone has heard about the midlife crisis in men, but not everyone knows what exactly it is expressed in. Of course, the symptoms of a crisis speak for themselves, and are noticeable not only to the person demonstrating them, but also to those close to him. So, is everyone susceptible to this difficult phenomenon, is there a way to avoid it, and how long does this condition last?

The concept of midlife crisis

Middle age crisis

– a long-term unstable emotional state, characterized by a complete revaluation of experience. The person realizes that he has missed many opportunities that he put off until later in his youth. Thinking about his past life, he begins to doubt himself, the goals achieved and the chosen environment.

It is believed that it is more difficult for a man to cope with a midlife crisis, since by a certain stage society begins to demand significant achievements and success from him. Or he is convinced that this is required of him.

Having analyzed their own results, men often come to the conclusion that they “didn’t do the trick” somewhere and missed the chance. They are no longer satisfied with the existing way of life, and, driven by the goal of “outplaying everything,” they begin to take unpredictable actions. Their ideas about their own personality and about the people around them change.

Fully aware of the transience of life, a man begins to rush to different extremes. Someone decides to divorce, believing that life will begin anew with another partner. Someone is experiencing a series of nervous breakdowns. Others are desperately trying to retain youth by getting involved in youth hobbies and modernizing their appearance almost beyond recognition. Not only the man himself, but also those close to him usually suffer from these drastic changes.

The crisis is felt especially acutely if there are no opportunities for career growth and change, which are possible only with significant cash injections. Life begins to seem empty and unnecessary. The feeling of internal panic is growing more and more noticeably.

Second stage: 30-40 years

This stage can be described simply: the man sums up the results. If at 18 he still believes in miracles, then 30 is the age when one is judged for actions, and not just for words.

Here you will no longer be able to come up with excuses for yourself or say: “Everything will be fine, I just need to wait.”

If a man has failed to achieve anything in this life, then he experiences his first depression.

The easiest way to overcome it is to find a meaningless hobby for yourself. Therefore, you can often find men who play computer games or constantly go fishing. Often, we are not talking about a hobby - it is a way to realize oneself at least somewhere.

Of course, there is a type of men who begin to throw themselves at everything and try to frantically change their lives for the better. But there must be luck here.

At this age you can't do without luck. And another option to realize oneself is to go to work, in which case the man sacrifices himself so that everything is fine for his family.

Symptoms of crisis in men

At different age periods, the midlife crisis in men manifests itself differently. So, by what symptoms can you identify it?

At 30-35 years old

He is often in a bad mood. He is either silent or communicates without much desire.
There are outbursts of unmotivated aggression, the mood changes radically. He often takes his anger out on his family.
Often looks tired.
Restless sleep.
There is a desire to change your wardrobe.

At 35-40 years old

First of all, a midlife crisis is manifested by obvious dissatisfaction with one’s own appearance. A man begins to react sharply to the appearance of gray hair, signs of baldness or wrinkles. To feel attractive, it is important for him to improve his appearance, and he goes to measures that were previously atypical for himself.
He thinks a lot about his health and sexual capabilities. Wanting to regain his former strength, he begins to pay attention to suspicious drugs that promise incredible possibilities.
One of the hallmarks of a crisis in men may be isolation. This is especially noticeable if we are talking about a previously sociable person.
He experiences worries about the future; it seems unpromising and joyless to him.

At 40-45 years old

He feels like he's backed into a corner. There is a strong desire to radically change your usual life.
Withdraws into himself or displays childishness that was previously atypical for him.
Seeks new sensations, taking unnecessary risks.
One of the most famous symptoms of crisis among married men: the desire to find a mistress.

At 45-50 years old

The man feels a decline in vitality, his health worsens. Often there is an exacerbation of chronic diseases, and new ones appear. Even with absolute health, natural changes appear in the body, reminding a man of approaching old age. This is especially difficult for those who treat their appearance with special attention and trepidation.
It seems to the man that just recently he was listening to knowledge from others, but now a role change is approaching. He notices that more and more often he is expected to give advice and responsibility. It is especially acutely felt that youth is left behind.
One of the most negative symptoms of a crisis: self-absorption. A man doubts that he has lived a huge part of his life correctly, is not sure of his choice, and regrets many actions. Even those individuals who outwardly appear to be completely wealthy and successful are susceptible to these feelings.

Prerequisites

The little man obediently trusts his parents. He is sure: in order to achieve happiness, you must first study with straight A's. Then go to university and find a well-paid job. Then marry a decent woman and raise children. And now it all came true. Everything turned out “like a normal person,” but it doesn’t bring a feeling of satisfaction. He worked for the benefit of the future all his life, forgetting about his own interests. I put off rest and hobbies. And now the long-awaited happiness should come... And for some reason it doesn’t come. As a rule, this conclusion is preceded by a nagging feeling of anxiety. Dissatisfaction with life, a vague desire to add color to a bland existence. Women notice that during a midlife crisis, their husbands have an obsessive desire to fulfill their teenage dreams. Rollerblading, getting an ear pierced, getting a tattoo (the first one in my life).

Possible reasons

So, what are the causes of a midlife crisis? Even the designation itself indicates the negative aspects of the phenomenon, but if you look at it from a different point of view, you can also see some positive aspects: a revision of your life principles. Sometimes a person really needs to change something to make things better. Each person has their own reasons for immersing themselves in this state.

If we talk directly about the crisis in men, we can highlight some general aspects:

Former goals cease to be interesting and lose their original meaning, but new ones have not yet emerged.
There is no former satisfaction from the field of activity.
There is no desired self-realization, a certain limit has been reached in one’s career, and further growth in the profession is problematic.
Married life is unsatisfying and seems like a mistake.
Unfulfilled plans come to mind, and a suspicion begins to arise that a wrong choice was made over a certain period of time.
Changes of a physiological nature make themselves felt, and functional disorders of libido are especially upsetting.
A growing feeling of the transience of life, of inevitable old age. If earlier retirement seemed like something far away, now it is just a few years away, which is seriously depressing. Depression sets in, and unpleasant thoughts constantly hover in your mind.

The need for recognition by the head of the family

There are several reasons for this - and they are not comparable to the causes of an identity crisis.

Firstly, this is the age of summing up. If a man considers himself successful by the age of forty, that is, his social ambitions are satisfied, then he is a winner. And the winner requires a reward and a pedestal, and thunderous applause, and admiring glances. The man is a hero! His family is fine, everything is in its place. He fulfills the role of head of the family, in his opinion, perfectly. He has hobbies, his own circle of friends, and the external attributes of success. The world simply must admire his achievements. And who inhabits this world? Did his wife, who went with him all the way through his formation, see both his “broken nose” and despair? She has long stopped praising and admiring her husband, and treats his successes as something completely natural. Sometimes he will say: “You’re great! We also need this…” and will calmly continue the conversation about family needs. These are not the “copper pipes” that male pride craves, oh, not those!

Perhaps the father is admired by his children, who have reached adolescence by his fortieth birthday? I can already see your smile, we won’t even discuss it. Everything is clear here.

So who will appreciate the hero’s feat? Who will look at him with loving eyes, full of admiration and delight? You know this too! Young women captivated by the image of the “alpha male”. And the point here is not that the man was drawn to exchange “his old forty-year-old wife for two young twenty-year-olds.” And not that he is corrupted or corrupted. He needs success like air! And the wife is in no hurry with the laurel wreath - or appears at the wrong time and inappropriately. And there are so many enthusiastic girls around... “If not now, then when?” - the man thinks. He is haunted by the question: “What am I worth in life?” - and a person does not look for an answer from colleagues and friends, this is a passed stage. He needs the admiration of women. Now the main thing for him is the attitude towards his powerful personality.

How long does a midlife crisis last for men?

Any man facing a midlife crisis wonders how long it will last. This topic worries not only him, but also those people who are close to him. Some individuals do not fully realize that this is a midlife crisis: it seems to them that life has been revealed to them as it really is, this process is natural and cannot have any ending. In fact, this is an individual question.

A person can remain in this state for several months, but in some cases the crisis can reach several years, especially worsening in moments of difficult life situations. The first manifestations can be noticed already at the age of 30 - this date becomes a kind of milestone for many. Further, the symptoms become more noticeable and complex. Usually, by the age of 50, a man accepts his age and stops worrying, finding more and more advantages in it.

How can a man survive age crises?

A midlife crisis in men can be quite difficult, and when faced with it, it is better to immediately take certain measures rather than wait for the situation to arise on its own.

So what to do:

Come to the realization that the crisis will not last forever, you need to survive it, put your thoughts in order.
Treat yourself like a teenager who needs boundaries so that he doesn't get into more trouble.
Do not delve into meaningless fantasies that lead to rash steps and prevent you from gaining the strength needed to overcome the problem.
Don't take your feelings too literally. You feel like you want to “drop everything and run away” - this is not the most reasonable decision. Surely, your difficulties can be overcome in a less radical way.
In order for life to change, it is not at all necessary to fuss and make sudden movements. Move towards changes slowly but surely, without destroying along the way what was previously built with considerable difficulty.
Realize that many opportunities are missed and accept it. Analyze why you didn't do what you wanted. Write down your options on paper. Think about what else you can do and write down on paper how you can achieve it.
Think about what priorities you have built in the past and which ones you would like to focus on now. Reflect on what changes you can make without completely destroying your usual life.
Think about the things you value in your life that you wouldn't want to lose. Remember these things, stick to them.

Duration

It is not difficult to notice the beginning of a midlife crisis in a husband. It hits completely different people. Both wealthy family men and single men fall under the influence. The duration of this intense period reaches ten years. Or it can be completed in a short period - up to a year. The duration of the period depends on the number of teenage complexes. From how acutely a person feels the lack of attention to himself in life. Manifestations of attention deficit occur in people who are accustomed to being completely absorbed in their work. Behind excessive preoccupation with appearance and physical form lies the fear of losing universal love and pleasure in life.

How to help a person (husband, friend) overcome a midlife crisis

Do you want to help a loved one overcome a midlife crisis? First of all, be patient. Do not demand that he immediately contact a psychologist. Just be there, don’t overreact to the manifestations of his psychological state.

What can you do to help your husband:

Try to make your family life more diverse
. Invite him to go to a concert, to a new restaurant, to attractions, to the pool. Do some sports together, attend some courses. Show him that you can live brightly not only in your youth.
Talk to your husband more often
. An open and friendly conversation will allow a man to share his feelings and talk about the moments that worry him. Show him that there are many aspects that he can be proud of. He certainly has strengths - remind him of them.
It’s not easy for you now either, but if you want to help a loved one, try not to run away from problems and not to blame your husband for strange behavior
. Tears, indifference or reproaches in this case are a direct road to divorce. Provide him with psychological support, and subsequently your participation will be appreciated.
No matter how hard the husband experiences it psychologically, the sexual side is no less important for him
. Show your spouse, who is acutely experiencing a midlife crisis, that you want to be attractive and sexy for him.

Psychological recommendations

The midlife crisis in men is quite painful, but some recommendations will allow you to endure it calmly and quickly.

Embrace your life

Want something new? This is impossible without accepting what already exists. Admit that at some stage you have made mistakes, but there are many good things in your life. Analyze what qualities prevent you from achieving your goals. Think about what you could achieve in the future and how your experience can help you achieve it.

Your values

The midlife crisis in men allows us to reconsider existing values. They can change periodically, and there is nothing unnatural about this. Think about what is of particular importance to you? What is dear to you?

Take care of your health

Do you suspect a health problem? Go to the doctor, don't risk it. Depression and apathy can be not only a symptom of a midlife crisis - serious illnesses cannot be ruled out. Lead a healthy lifestyle, do not indulge in alcohol and junk food, remember about physical activity.

Bring balance to your life

Balance in all areas of life gives a sense of control. Distribute your time between family, work, friends, entertainment.

Look for goals

At any age, you can find a purpose that gives meaning to life. Stop dwelling on missed opportunities and focus on new ones. Determine a list of things that will help you feel more comfortable and happier. Stop thinking abstractly - set a goal and go towards it.

Work on your relationships

It is easier to overcome any problem when you are with a loved one. By contacting other people, we become more resistant to stress - do not withdraw into yourself. Communicate with family and friends, ask for support, help them in their difficulties - participate in the lives of people important to you.

Find time to do what you love

Find a hobby you love and devote time to it. It seems that even a small activity takes all your energy, but by doing what you love, you will feel less tired. Perhaps in your youth you dreamed of devoting yourself to some business, but now you believe that time has been lost. Reconsider your beliefs - perhaps you will be able to express yourself differently in your chosen field. Think about the people you admire, think about the hobbies that inspire them. Perhaps such hobbies will suit you too?

Don't stop developing

Don't close yourself off from life, be curious, develop in several areas. The world never stands still, and you don't stop. Attend interesting trainings, discover exciting courses, read interesting literature.

Listen to yourself

There are no perfect people - everyone experiences regrets about something that did not happen. This is not a reason to close yourself off from life. Do you know yourself well? What do you like, what are your tastes and needs? Are you satisfying your simplest desires? Please yourself more often in small things, show sensitivity.

More positive

Be attentive to your emotional state. A crisis in men can lead to emotional burnout. Develop resistance to stress, discard pessimistic reasoning. Realize that having gone through a certain period of life, you have acquired the necessary wisdom and experience - this is valuable luggage for building the future.

Stages of midlife crisis in men

People who are forced to watch the development of a crisis in a loved one often do not know what to expect from him. We are talking about a problem that has several stages. With a successful development of events, a man quickly goes through all stages, but sometimes he lingers at one of them for a long period. How to understand which stage has arrived, what are its characteristic signs?

So, the stages of a midlife crisis in men.

Depression

Characteristic of any psychological crisis. A logical manifestation of dissatisfaction and disappointment of a man who feels like a loser. Depression can be in a mild stage, appearing only at peak moments, and in a severe stage. In the second case, a person completely abstracts from the world around him, plunging into dark thoughts. This happens more often to men who experience regular mood swings. If depression is truly a stage of crisis in a man, and not a manifestation of some disease, then it will be followed by the next one.

Anger

A destructive emotion that causes rejection from others. Having pulled himself together, a person can use anger for good - it will become a powerful mechanism for achieving goals, overcoming barriers and fears, and defending one’s own boundaries. Having correctly assessed the current stage, a man gains strength for transformation - this is a positive moment.

The negative aspect is the destructive action aimed at loved ones. Often they are assigned the role of “culprits” in the troubles of a person in crisis. He often states that if it weren’t for them, life would have turned out differently. Additional manifestations of the stage: nervous breakdowns, wastefulness (a person buys all sorts of nonsense, trying to prove that he can afford it), showing interest in drinking, provoking close people into conflicts.

Reclusion

A person notices that he wants to be alone. He gets annoyed by everyone - even those with whom he used to have a good time. If a man is married, then the wife will be the first to feel the manifestations of the stage, expressed in dissatisfaction with her company, irritability during meetings or conversations. The man declares that he wants to be alone, and a caring or offended wife does not bother him much.

The main signs of the stage:

Avoiding meeting friends and relatives.
Recency. He reluctantly supports attempts to start a conversation, sometimes gets irritated, and withdraws.
Pessimistic thoughts.
Passion for alcoholic beverages, even if previously I was indifferent to them.
Constant self-flagellation, self-pity, search for the meaning of life.
Terminal stage

An important stage in the formation of a new way of thinking for a man. Any psychological crisis does not pass without a trace, and “the way it was” will no longer be. It is important to draw the right conclusions from this state and acquire the necessary values. The old personality remains in the past - the man understands that he has undergone a significant transformation. In the thermal stage, the midlife crisis moves into a new stage of development. Having overcome the previous stages, a man rethinks his life and plans for the future; almost nothing remains of his former personality.

Characteristic manifestations of the stage:

A person wants to try “something new” and takes previously atypical actions. It may be limited to a change of hobby, but radical changes also happen: a new marriage, a change in social circle, a different job, a move.
He demonstrates in every possible way that he is ready for radical changes, broadcasting this with his appearance and statements.
He stops infringing on himself, allowing much of what he previously considered unacceptable.
Excessively attentive to appearance and health. He goes to the gym, visits salons, and adheres to a special nutrition system.

Adoption

The final stage. The main difference between a strong and mature personality and an immature one is that she takes responsibility for her current life and current state. He also understands that it is he who decides how to further build his destiny. He stops regretting missed chances and concentrates on opportunities that can become reality. Having entered the stage of acceptance, a person comes to terms with everything that happened and turns his gaze to the future.

Other manifestations of the stage

The man behaves calmer and more confident.
Mood changes occur less and less often, emotions return to normal.
He becomes more tolerant of issues that previously caused protest and acute rejection in him.
He understands that he behaved unfairly towards people close to him, feels guilty before them, and makes attempts to make amends for it.
Periodically, briefly returns to previous stages (anger, depression), but quickly pulls himself together.

Gradually, the manifestation of the previous stages becomes less noticeable, and subsequently they completely disappear.

Relationships and sex

Life of a woman after 45 in terms of relationships and sex

For a long time, doctors and psychologists have voiced the idea that the age of forty is a woman’s real sexual prime. However, it often happens that a woman, first of all, is afraid to admit it to herself - she is, after all, a “matron”, often the mother of children and, in general, a “respected woman in society.” Various “romantic nonsense” are clearly not included in this image.

In addition, the ideals of eternal youth, actively cultivated in Russian society, encourage women to believe that at the age of forty they acquire a “non-marketable appearance”, and bright manifestations of sexuality simply do not correspond to their appearance. A woman’s life after 45 often indirectly implied becoming a “grandmother”, an “illiquid” woman in terms of attractiveness.

We can talk for a long time about such manifestations of misogyny (i.e., contemptuous attitude towards women), the origins of this phenomenon in society, but this is rather a topic for another article. Now I’ll just draw attention to the fact that women themselves sometimes take this for granted - the need to “conform” and “have a marketable appearance.” And in case of “inconsistency”, prohibit yourself from expressing your genuine and age-appropriate bodily and psychological needs.

However, regular sex during this period is the key to normal health, adequate experience of the oncoming menopause and the opportunity to prolong one’s youth. And it’s not enough to admit it - we also need to implement it.

Meanwhile, previous marriages sometimes exhaust themselves, or the woman was left alone, but busy raising a child, she could not seriously devote herself to the relationship. At the age of forty, children, as a rule, are no longer babies and are independent to one degree or another. And it's time to allow yourself “nonsense.”

We can say more broadly: a woman’s life after 45 is a time when you can afford a lot, regardless of the opinions of others, because we are talking about how the entire second half of life will turn out. And I may live another thirty, forty years. And by suppressing sexual impulses in herself, a woman risks precisely her health and youth, which she so does not want to lose.

Alina, 51 years old. At forty-seven, the relationship with her husband frankly deteriorated, the spouses moved away, and a cooling set in. However, at work Alina became seriously interested in a young man, twelve years younger. At first Alina avoided him, and then decided that she had nothing to lose. Having entered into this relationship, the woman blossomed and even seriously climbed the career ladder. After some time, they opened their own business with a friend. Interestingly, Alina is still married. He has been in a relationship with a friend for three years. It’s difficult to talk about prospects, but the main thing is that she is full of strength, constantly improves in her work and takes care of herself. She says that even if they separate, she does not rule out the possibility of another relationship, and is not even sure whether she wants to continue living with her husband.

Immoral? Maybe someone will appreciate it that way. But at the age of forty, for women, and for men to the same extent, it is about preserving themselves. And if the spouse distances himself from the situation and does not want to maintain a serious relationship, should he deny himself the opportunity to feel alive? And can one person be responsible for what two people create?

There is another, no less important, purely psychological aspect of relationships. If at the age of twenty, thirty years marriage was often supported by social aspects - children, limited financial situation, status was also important, then often after forty all these “cementing elements” cease to have such a serious significance.

Both partners in marriage have every chance by this age to become professionals, learn to earn money, and be less dependent on public opinion. Children have already become adults, or at least are so independent that they do not need the constant presence of their parents.

In general, it is quite natural that at this age, it is the deep possibilities of relationships that begin to be valued to a greater extent: common interests and the ability to spend time together in a fun way, the depth of contact, the degree of trust and openness, the quality of communication. But social factors fade into the background.

And further, either the couple develops towards greater deepening of contact and finding out what partners can give to each other precisely as people, as a man and a woman, or the couple, having fulfilled the basic social functions, does not find any underlying reasons to live together further. Life after 45 is a time of realizing and realizing your real needs. And it is quite logical that reconsiderations of relationships occur quite often among people at this age. This is often facilitated by a midlife crisis, which prompts one to question past guidelines.

Revision is not always a bad thing. At this age, a person has a chance to both realize his truly deep needs in relationships and build these truly mature relationships. And with whom, with an existing partner or with a new one - it all depends not only on one thing. Those partners who both see this goal tend to stay in the relationship.

Man over 45 in a relationship

In men at this age, sexual function naturally declines. And sometimes that same demon plays a cruel joke on a man: realizing that his sexual life is nearing decline, a man sometimes tries to urgently “snatch” from life the last crumbs of female affection and recognition from the fair sex.

This is done using different methods, and it is not always possible to implement this in your own family. It often happens that a certain pattern of perception prevents you from seeing your own wife along with her mature changes. A man gets used to seeing her through the prism of an already established “picture” and ends up living with his own fantasy about her, and not with a real person who is changing. Therefore, a man cannot adequately take advantage of a woman’s activity and reconsider the relationship, finding in it a new source of strong emotions. Although it happens differently.

Maxim, 49 years old. Contacted me regarding career searches. Meanwhile, he told me how things were going in the family. Married for over twenty years. When he felt that he was starting to “give up,” he decided not to give up. I started going to the pool - not alone, but with my wife, and began to devote time to general leisure more often, because my son had already grown up. “I spent my best years with this woman, and I want to revive our relationship, breathe a second youth into it, because we still have a long time to live together!” - he says.

We can say that life after 45 is a time of quality. And it is the man who often needs to understand this idea. A completely reliable way to maintain youth and full sexual function is meaningful, very comfortable and high-quality contact with a woman. With numbers and show off one can achieve impressions and appearances. But not depth.

Even if the previous marriage has already outlived its usefulness, in the new one, regardless of the age of the chosen one, growing up will continue, and growing up is a movement towards depth and awareness of contact, feelings, intimacy. Then a man has a chance to remain a man for a long time.

The most common idea that age successfully discredits: youth was the standard to be equal to. But in fact, youth is a time of gaining experience and mistakes. And it is for this that the resource of endurance is given. And age brings its own values, which you can notice (and use them, develop them) or not notice, and spend your whole life unsuccessfully trying to pull yourself up to the standards of youth, inevitably becoming disappointed.