Everything that could be done together for the first time has been done. There have already been dinners by candlelight and a night at the cinema. Serenades are sung under the window, a warm scarf is knitted - winter is coming, funny stories from childhood are told. The main words, written one morning in chalk on the asphalt, begin to be washed away by the rain. The marshmallow dress and chic suit are put away in the closet, and wedding photos and gifts are placed in their places. Life together begins!
Relationships, initially brightly colored by love and romance, move on to calmer ones. We think something has gone wrong. We are confused. It seems to us that love has passed.
- Why do you dream about love?
We regularly watch Hollywood melodramas and therefore are sure: romantic love is genuine! And all other relationships are not love at all, but boring routine. Newspapers at breakfast, a sofa, children, TV... And where is the storm of mutual feelings here? Where is the unity of souls that we were promised? And how can we learn to live together happily ever after, in love and joy? So that the relationship does not fall into a vicious circle of repeated conflicts, grievances and claims, regrets and memories?
Let's talk about our deepest needs in relationships and how we can learn to respond to them in return. Let's talk about what “love is made of”?
What is “love made of”?
Not only from the feelings and romance of first love! It is filled with thoughts, a style of relationships, understanding oneself and understanding another - this is a lifelong movement towards each other! And we will learn to love each other all our lives - learn to live together. We went through 8 basic needs in a relationship, took a closer look at ourselves and our partner. I hope that with benefit and understanding that Love is not sustained by itself. She asks, demands mutual contribution, attention, understanding, care, acceptance and response! She is a consequence of the decision made to be together. And we should learn to be together!
Need for love
“Well, come, beloved, come, forbid me to be lonely!” R. Rozhdestvensky “A poet in Russia is more than a poet,” probably because he can evoke emotion by accurately hitting the mood and pain of many. A lot of pain, harshness in upbringing and relationships, and bitterness born of the struggle for a “place in the sun,” traditions, a lot of dislike...
There are hardly people who don't want to be loved. This is a need that is inherent in the nature of our “herdness”. In the reaction of another, we can see our strengths and weaknesses, our value for him, and understand our place in society. We all want it. Only for some it is a natural desire, for others it is a motive that subjugates everything. I really want to receive the love I once did not receive, to calm the anxiety that makes me look for a possible deliverer in everyone I meet. It would be possible to return the past and rewrite the draft of your own childhood. Some are demanding, even aggressive: I paid attention to him, but he dared not to fall in love with me. Others play the role of a victim, believing that this way they have a better chance of earning and achieving love: if I am good, they will love me. An unsatisfied need is like thirst in the desert. It’s not possible to get a drink, it’s very hot, and there are few people willing to carry a bucket of water during the journey, like wells in the desert, and only because they have their own specific need, like the pilgrims who whipped themselves until they bled on the way... , there are different cases. For some reason, the need for love and care is often confused with love. And these are completely different things. For example, the need for security when buying a car does not necessarily imply love for the security guard at the car dealership. Although, this happens, and the film “The Bodyguard” leaves no chance of remaining indifferent. In general, options are possible, but you should not be confused. Little children love to build all kinds of shelters from available materials: huts, houses from sheets and blankets. They feel comfortable and safe in them. Pets are also accepted. A friend of mine’s cat crawls headlong under the blanket and lies there motionless, it’s amazing how she breathes there. Security allows you to relax, temporarily free yourself from tension and fears. Parents give a child a sense of security while he grows. But not everyone and not always enough. And the danger, albeit implicit, gives rise to anxiety, which becomes constant. A person may not notice this. In the body, it manifests itself as a muscular armor: tension of some muscles, which even a massage therapist sometimes cannot stretch. Such a person has more fears than others. The fear of loneliness is the strongest of them. No one will protect you from this thought, even more tension and fears, from which you cannot hide in a children's house. And my beloved will protect me, give me what I have always lacked: love and care. I just need to find someone who loves me. And I will love him. Is it possible not to love someone who loves you, cares and protects you?! The logical chain has closed, and now love is firmly associated with the need for acceptance, love and care, unsatisfied in the process of development. Love cannot exist without care and protection, the indignant reader will exclaim, and he will be right. Can not. A man should be a support and protection. This is its natural and biological function. He must provide for his children and protect his family. And he will do this if there is love. That is, first love, and then provide and protect, and not vice versa. It turns out to be a vicious circle. There is no love as long as the child's need for security is unsatisfied. Without love, no one wants to protect and give warmth. A lot of instructions have been written about the search, pop songs sing about the emotions associated with it, just a cry from the soul: I’ll give everything if you love me! Just don’t quit, otherwise I’ll die! The problem is that the partner will still not be able to satisfy the need for love and acceptance if this is not a complementary marriage, such as when it is concluded for this purpose. The partner longs to fulfill the parental function, and the partner takes on the role of the child. In traditional relationships, people enter into an alliance to give birth and raise children, to normally realize sexual needs, to help each other emotionally, physically and intellectually. And when unsatisfied children's needs come first, it is impossible to hear and understand your partner. There is hope in the burning eyes: this is the one who needs (needs) me, he will give me what I have dreamed of all my life - love. Usually, both partners hope for this. They meet according to the principle of “fisher for fishermen...” Well, and then you know what happens: disappointments, stormy clarifications, divergences and convergences, everything that accompanies a dependent relationship. Dependent, because their true goal is to try to satisfy the unsatisfied, in anticipation of strokes. What to do, you really want warmth?!
Until you can give conscious, real warmth to yourself, you cannot count on others. You can cultivate this ability in yourself. There is a child in each of us, only in a different state. He may be intimidated and anxious, then it is difficult to cope with him, he tugs all the time, demands reassurance, and does not allow you, an adult, to live normally. This is just about the unmet need for love and acceptance. He can also be cheerful, spontaneous, playful and joyful. Then it is spontaneity and emotions that arise from time to time, painting reality in different bright colors. To achieve such a pleasant state of the inner child, he must be raised, as all children are raised. You just need to hurry up in order to have time to raise your future children in a comfortable environment, life doesn’t wait. It's not very difficult. After all, no one knows his needs, weaknesses and desires better than you. My parents didn’t let me, I’ll have to listen myself, show patience, understanding and respect. To yourself. Yes, it is so strange and unusual to take care of yourself if you are still a child. But an adult is accustomed to it, he knows how to do it, he relies on himself and reasonable interaction with others, and not on free miraculous help from a nice guy or girl. You'll have to grow up if you want to get married and have children, or get married, whatever. Moreover, now, as an adult, there are enough resources. You can afford ice cream and protection if you’re scared. When your inner child calms down, matures, stops being capricious and panicking, the need for attention will be more or less satisfied, love will come.
I won’t go into detail about what it is. I wrote about this in detail in the article “The Psychology of True Love”, you can take a look. Love happens when there are no tremblingly unsatisfied needs that are natural to a person. In fact, first go to the toilet, if you really want to, and then you can show interest in the person. The need for acceptance, love and care is just as basic. Without its satisfaction, it is impossible to build harmonious relationships not only with a partner, but also at work. One who is independent and autonomous, who can live without another, is capable of love. It's bad without love. It may be the most important thing in life, but when there is no life without it, then we must look for an unsatisfied need, without which it is like being in the desert at noon without water. We need to put an end to this. Logic dictates this. But I want to add something important, in my opinion. The search for love for a person with a not very happy childhood is firmly integrated into his picture of the world, becomes his support, the basis on which he largely builds his behavior. It would be naive to think that by understanding the origins and the path to solving a problem, you can quickly rebuild yourself. Firstly, not quickly, and secondly, just as it is impossible to fully replace mother’s milk for a child, it is impossible to completely compensate for the lack of parental love with any kind of psychological work. This topic will always have a heightened emotional charge for a person. Everyone has their weaknesses and shortcomings, but you can live comfortably with them. Awareness allows you to control their manifestations. On the contrary, misunderstanding makes him a hostage to his weak points. Not everything can be changed, but you can always find a way to live in harmony with yourself.
Sexual need or intimacy inappropriate
Bed as a way of self-affirmation
Self-affirmation is one of the most common motives of sexual need, found in both men and women, but more often inherent in men. A person with low self-esteem needs to constantly convince himself of his power and his attractiveness - through seducing others, of course.
And then, already in bed, he needs to make sure that he is “king and god” there too - he can play on the body of his partner as if on an instrument. He revels not in intimacy, but in power, possession.
It is the use of intimacy for self-affirmation that explains the paradox that a domestic tyrant can be a great lover. Although, when communicating with such a sexual virtuoso, you can feel that his efforts are somehow mechanical, he cannot sincerely indulge in the act of intimacy, because he thinks not about the process, but about the result, and not about that at all... But for such subtleties you need at least would like to think in this direction, and also developed empathy.
The passion that triggers the sexual game in this case is lust for power. In the language of psychology - a neurotic desire for power. So does such a person want intimacy? No - he wants to assert himself, it’s just that in his head the path to self-affirmation passes through bed. This is not always expressed in skillful sexual techniques - for many, the very fact of victory (they managed to get them into bed) and a demonstration of their ability to have sexual intercourse is enough.
Proximity as attention-getting
It is known that children who receive little attention and love from their parents learn to attract attention in various ways. Often adults do not like these methods. Then the “unloved” children grow up, but the unsatisfied need for attention does not go away, but is transformed. It can take various forms of psychological vampirism, but the most successful, “legal” way of receiving love is in bed. Women often find this way out, although it also happens to men.
A patient with a neurotic need for love considers his desirability to be proof of love, or rather, of his neediness. Yes, that’s right: they want me = they need me = they love me. Here, physical intimacy is proof of “love.” Of course, we are not talking about true love, but the one suffering from need has an addiction.
Lack of intimacy is a cause for concern for him. And intimacy itself is a bargaining chip, only a form of satisfying a basic need. You may not even get any pleasure from it. Or receiving it doesn’t matter.
In this case, the partner, as it were, plays the role of a “parent”, and the grown child finally feels loved, safe, under a wing... The notorious “like behind a stone wall” for a girl is also from this series. Admit it, women, that the blissful feeling of security and safety is especially strong when you once again belong to him, so strong and reliable, melting like wax in his hands?
Pursuit of pleasure - sex addiction
Obtaining physical pleasure is the most banal way of using sexual intimacy for other purposes. This view of the nature of sex is now actively instilled in us through the exaltation of the pleasure of intimacy, its value, attractiveness and even necessity for a fulfilling life - at any cost, with anyone or with oneself...
And we ourselves develop this passion in ourselves - both through dreams and practice. You need more and more pleasure, it should be more and more intense, as in any addiction. A person is unrestrained in passions to the point of absurdity. Remember the old Japanese film “Empire of Feelings/Bullfight of Love” - it shows this well.
Eventually, the person develops sex addiction . This passion is no different from all other passions that people suffer from. Drug addiction, alcoholism, overeating, stinginess, a passion for entertainment also develop - any pleasures that are given independent value can enslave our personality... And sexual addiction, into which “need” has turned here, is not at all healthier and not more natural than all the others, absolutely unnatural and harmful passions.
Other options for intimacy without intimacy
In addition to what has been described, intimacy can be used for other “needs” other than those for which the act of love is intended. For example:
- for “revenge” on your partner with another
- to forget
- for good health"
All of the listed ways of using proximity for other purposes have one thing in common. The partner is not important there, no real communication takes place with him. He is just a way to satisfy our sexual needs. Even when it seems that the attention and love of this particular “beloved” person is important, it often just happens that he has become a symbol of what is desired to satisfy our passions.
It is typical for people with an unhealthy sexual need that they talk and/or dream about sex very colorfully, enjoying erotic pictures. But these pictures are crudely physiological; the partner does not have a face, although there is an individual temperament. At the same time, these paintings give the impression of dirt, and deep down they are considered dirt by the author himself, although he will fiercely argue that “everything natural is not without orgasm,” and shame is a sanctimonious relic. But somehow he savors the juicy details too shamelessly, calls things by their proper names too loudly for it to be natural...
I would give examples, but we are in decent society here. I hope you yourself can remember what I’m talking about - everyone has such examples among their acquaintances, and perhaps in their personal experience.
Parental relationships greatly influence the ability to love.
Every person wants to love and be loved, to have a happy family. But there are certain unconscious mechanisms laid down in childhood that greatly influence the perception of the world around us. Thus, a child who was not loved by his parents always considers himself unworthy of love, and it does not occur to him that his parents may have a defect in the ability to love. * It is difficult to dispute that many of society’s ills are rooted in negative factors generated by marital conflicts and family breakdown. We, without noticing it ourselves, learn to be a husband or wife from our parents, from early childhood adopting their behavior patterns and relationship stereotypes. In our adult lives, we continue to live according to these “parental instructions”, without realizing them and rarely noticing their manifestations. From our parents' relationships with each other, we learn how to relate to the person next to us. James McHale, a professor of clinical psychology at Clark University, says, "The best children are those who feel their parents' warmth not only toward them, but toward each other." * The child perceives and adopts not what the parents try to instill in him during the “moments of upbringing,” but their attitude towards people, towards themselves, towards life, and a subconscious attitude at that. If a grown-up person then believes (due to his negative past experience) that love does not exist, then it will not exist in this person’s life. If he believes that it is impossible to be happy in such a world, then he will be unhappy (until he reconsiders his views). No wonder they say: if you want to be happy, be happy. * A person’s love and self-respect cannot simply appear out of nowhere. Just as a child cannot speak if he does not hear the speech of other people, he will not learn to love - neither himself nor others, if he himself is not loved, if on his life’s path he does not meet people who are capable of giving human warmth. * Human society, despite thousands of years of cultural development, has not learned to guarantee the psychological well-being of each of its members. And this well-being depends on the psychological climate of the environment in which he grows, lives and works. And also from the emotional baggage accumulated in childhood. And the psychological climate in the family depends on the ability of the parents themselves to give love and human warmth to each other and to their children, and depends on the style of communication between the parents and the child. The need for receptive and supportive communication, touch, and other signs of attention and love can be unmet and lead to suffering and destructive emotions. * “The general law here is simple: in childhood, we learn about ourselves only from the words and attitude of those close to us. In this sense, a small child does not have inner vision. His image is built from the outside; sooner or later he begins to see himself as others see him, says Russian psychology professor Yulia Gippenreiter. “However, in this process the child does not remain passive. Another law of all living things applies here: actively pursue what survival depends on. A positive attitude towards oneself is the basis of psychological survival, and the child constantly seeks it and even fights for it. He is waiting for confirmation from us that he is good, that he is loved, that he can cope with feasible (and even slightly more difficult) tasks.” * Despite the difference in initial conditions given at birth, upbringing and education, any person has every chance to fulfill his human destiny. Everyone has their own. And the measure of happiness depends most strongly on the fulfillment of what is planned (by whom? - fate, God, the universe - whatever you want) about a given person. * Loving your children in such a way as to teach them to love the world is a very difficult task, but this is precisely the main purpose of parents in relation to their children. Only under the condition of good-quality parental love can one help a child assimilate all the previous experience of people living on Earth, without stifling the creative potential of the new person.
Sexual need and reproductive instinct
The reproductive instinct is needed for reproduction, right? Let's look at nature: the gestation period for a person is very long, the probability of conception within a month is several days. How often should people engage in intimacy in accordance with the instinct of reproduction, if we are “like animals”? - once a year or less (there is still a feeding period)! Well, or once a month until pregnancy. How often are we tormented by sexual need? - That's the same!
However, with instincts everything is even simpler. Humans simply don’t have them, like animals do. We are too highly developed to be guided by innate programs. Both the reasons and methods of our behavior consist of what we learn in the process of education + from acts of our free will. And also from a variety of unconscious motives related not to the body, but to the soul, that is, to the psyche.
We are in an interesting position regarding “basic instinct.” On the one hand, biology plays a role here - hormones and other biochemistry. On the other hand, biology is not primary, but secondary, that is, hormones and attraction are triggered by the psyche. For attraction to arise between a man and a woman, it is not enough for them to be healthy and capable of conceiving. Here, completely different factors are important - for example, whether the partner meets certain standards of attractiveness / our secret dreams, or our state of mind...
And, honestly, how often, when experiencing sexual desire, are we going to reproduce? The question is rhetorical. More often, on the contrary, we care about how not to accidentally reproduce... Everything converges on the fact that ranting about the reproductive instinct is simply a crafty concealment of the true motives of “sexual need.”
You can calm down - we are free from instincts and can adjust our behavior to our liking. But this is also a trap for us, because our taste is often spoiled. Spoiled by us ourselves, because humans have a tendency towards passions (which animals do not have, by the way).
But that wouldn't be so bad. The trouble is that a whole horde of specialists is working on the formation of our unhealthy taste, because it is beneficial for society or its individual members. Who benefits from playing on our passions and why is not the topic of this article. Much more interesting are the passions themselves. So what is behind our sexual need, if not the instinct of reproduction and not biology in general?
