What is resentment?
The first thing you need to understand is that resentment is an absolutely normal human feeling. In ordinary life, this feeling appears in situations when something unplanned and unpleasant for us happens. Normally, it signals that we care.
However, there is a concept of resentment - in psychology this is referred to as a chronic state of resentment. That is, a person can be offended by any little thing. Sometimes, it even seems that such a touchy person is looking for a reason to worry.
In this case, it is recommended to seek advice from a psychologist. If you do not get rid of such touchiness, then sooner or later there will be no close people left around the person.
Moreover, resentment can act as a subconscious manipulation. For example, if a person did not have enough attention in childhood, then he tried to attract it to himself in any way.
Have you noticed how children get offended? This is always done demonstratively, so that everyone sees and realizes the depth of the child’s resentment. And, of course, parents often immediately try to make up for the trouble that spoiled their child’s mood.
And everything would be fine, but in some cases the little man grows up, but the subconscious habit of solving his problems through demonstrative resentment remains.
And something needs to be done about this, because sooner or later they stop reacting to such a demonstration. But a person has no other mechanisms for building communication and getting what he wants. Which undoubtedly negatively affects self-esteem and mood.
How to raise a person who will not remember grudges
A small child with an anal vector is the most obedient of all. Slow and thorough. He always talks about something in detail, and does not miss a single smallest detail.
But his beloved mother has no time. She begins to rush her child. He sits on the potty for a long time, dresses slowly, and slowly goes to kindergarten. His mother interrupts him without allowing him to finish. Therefore, the baby withdraws into himself. They upset his balance, deprived him of his foundation - confidence and protection. The child is suffering. He's offended.
This is where mom needs to urgently change her relationship with him. Try to communicate more with your child, tell him more often that he is loved. Stop rushing him. The baby should feel the love and care of his family. A sensitive mother will praise the baby for his work and support him in activities and games. This will develop self-confidence in the child. The offense will be forgotten.
With correctly directed maternal care, a small child with an anal vector develops the skill of adapting to “offensive” situations. His reactions become more constructive.
Kinds
Grievances can be divided into the following groups:
In relation to a specific person
Usually occurs when there was a desire to receive something from a person, but this did not happen;
For a group of people
Occurs in teams. Moreover, it all starts from school, the so-called bullying - when several peers deliberately pick on one child.
In the adult world, this phenomenon is called “mobbing.” In psychology, such actions as bullying and mobbing are characterized as psychological violence.
It is worth paying attention to the fact that the appearance of resentment and anger in this case is the norm. Resentment towards a group may also arise if there was an unpleasant incident in the past with a representative of this group. For example, if a woman is seriously hurt by a man, then for some time she will be offended by all men in general.
Traditional nicknames6
No matter how much you would like to address the guy in a special way, you shouldn’t rack your brains too much if the word “Sweetie”, “Sunny”, “Rodnulya”, “Zolotko”, “Darling” and so on is already hanging on your tongue. Repetition is not a bad thing at all. And even if the world is full of different Suns, Handsome, Gold and Silver, yours will be only yours, and he will be pleased to hear such tenderness from you.
You may not want to treat your significant other the same way every day. This is where traditional nicknames come in handy. Let the guy be “Dear” one day, “Dear” or “Golden” the next day.
Why does resentment torment a person?
To begin with, it is worth noting that we never take offense at those who are indifferent to us. Only someone to whom we are emotionally attached can hurt. Moreover, you can only be offended if your expectations from the situation are too high.
Therefore, before allowing negativity to settle in your soul, it is worth reflecting on two topics:
- Is everything really as it seems to you?
- Does the person understand that you are uncomfortable with their behavior?
In the second case, it’s enough just to have a normal conversation once and explain your position.
But if it’s a matter of distorted perception, then the resentment can linger for quite a long time. Because on the one hand, this unpleasant feeling has already settled in a person’s soul. On the other hand, nothing special actually happened and no one will ask for forgiveness.
It is very difficult to get rid of such a state, because to do this you need to admit to yourself that the offense was made up.
How to communicate with people who are offended all the time?
What to do when there is an offended person nearby?
We need to talk through the situation. Explain to him why they did it this way and not otherwise. Well, if the situation allows, ask for forgiveness. And sometimes you need to be ready to forgive a loved one yourself.
Resentment is inhibition. We do not live our lives, but a life dictated to us by resentment. To get rid of resentment, you need to put together the whole picture of what is happening and understand the reasons. Including, to see those positive properties that are used for other purposes, taking away strength and opportunity.
You can learn more about this at free online training on system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan. Register via link>>
Author: Irina Andreeva
The article was written using materials from online trainings on system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan
The power of resentment: the effect on the offended and the offender
When we are seriously offended, we often have the thought: “How can I take revenge on the person who offended me?” But before we start acting, let's look at how offense affects the person who is offended, as well as the offender.
So, if you are often offended and cannot cope with this feeling, then this threatens with some consequences.
Consequences of resentment
The emergence of health problems
Most often, such feelings negatively affect the thyroid gland, cardiovascular system, and gall bladder. Problems with the sense of smell may also occur.
Accumulation of excess weight
And the more we want to hide from the circumstances and people who hurt us, the more kilograms will settle on our stomach and hips. After all, an additional layer of fat is a kind of shield that we subconsciously create around ourselves;
Water carriers
During the time of Peter I, water carriers delivered water to city residents. For that time it was a respected and honorable profession, so no one could be a water carrier. The state provided each carrier with a cart, horse and other equipment. On the carts there were several multi-colored barrels, depending on the color, water was poured into the barrels from different sources. Accordingly, it had different purposes: drinking, technical, for household needs, etc.
Everything could be good, but there were always sloths who could pass off technical water as drinking water, just so as not to go to a distant source. The ruler, having learned about this, issued a decree punishing water carriers for failure to fulfill their duties. If they caught someone dishonest, he was harnessed to a cart instead of a horse, and he had to carry water around his area all day long, completely free of charge. Of course, those who cheated were offended. But if you fail to complete such a task, you could lose your prestigious position. Therefore, although the water carriers were offended by the government, they transported water regularly. This is how the bad phrase appeared: “What to do with the offended?” The saying about this has a rich history. But it is better to consider the fact of resentment through the prism of psychology or social sciences.
Funny nicknames
Let's say you just want to make fun of someone. Or maybe your friend or boyfriend came up with some cool nickname for you. And you decided to answer the guy in the same way - somehow call him kindly once or stick the word on for centuries, but nothing worthwhile comes to mind. We give Maria the last task. The question is: “how to call a guy or friend so that the girl finds it funny, but he is not offended?” Here are her sentences, which she gave without thinking:
- to my beloved - a baby doll or baby doll, kitten, darling, cupid, little man, little man or little man, devourer of my heart;
- to a full friend - a fat belly, a pot belly, a smesharik, a donut or a candy bar;
- to a sexual partner - a wanton or a sexpot, a libertine, a giant or a boner;
- a friend who loves to eat - cutlet, glutton or glutton;
- to a fellow IT specialist - an IT specialist or an IT specialist, a master - a computer hacker, a god of a server, a virus chaser, a child of the motherboard, a thunderstorm of dummies.
Masha and I decided to go through popular male names:
- Pavlu - pate, Pavlushka or peacock;
- Alexey - oh lekha or goblin;
- Dmitry - Mitri or Dimitri;
- Vladimir - Vovka the Carrot;
- Alexandru - Sashok-potty, Shurik-zhmurik, Alexashka, Sanchos-panchos;
- Gennady - a genius, a crocodile or a friend of Cheburashka;
- Leonid - Leo, lion cub, Lenkus, Leonidas or Yakubovich;
- To Mikhail - Potapych, a stuffed animal, Mikhailo.
- Maxim - Maximiliano or Maksyutka.
- Andrey – Drunka, Dron or Andron;
- Nikolai – Nicholas or Nick;
- Evgeniy – Zhendos, Evgen, genius, gene of Eva.
At this point Maria was exhausted. In parting, she reminds that your words can be used against you and wishes everyone well, and I gladly join her. Supplement our list with your own options for offensive or harmless nicknames. Goodbye.
Relationships, family and other troubles
Resentment is common to all people, but it is most often experienced by those who are married or in a serious relationship. Often psychologists have to answer questions such as: “I offended my husband very much, what should I do?”, “My wife was offended and left, how can I get her back?” etc.
If resentment arises in a relationship, no matter on whose side, then this is the first signal that says something needs to be updated, changed or developed. Or people are simply under a lot of stress at work and just need a break. Not from each other, but from all “this.”
Psychologists strongly advise making friends with resentment, then a person will understand what he is missing in this life. And yet, what to do with an offended person?
4th place - Leo
Leos fell just short of the top three, and they can be mortally offended by simply not admiring them flowery enough. The problem is that Leo’s reputation does not allow him to express this resentment, because it is not the king’s business to be offended by all sorts of scumbags. While the offended Leo is puffing up like a toad, wondering whether it would be decent to knock off half your head with his mighty paw or whether it would be better to still maintain royal equanimity and pretend that nothing happened, run! Because in the end, Leo will decide that his status is unshakable, unshakable and invulnerable. Unlike your pathetic life.
If the reason for the quarrel is unclear
On the other hand, a person cannot always understand the root cause of his action. Sometimes offensive words come out of the mouth without any internal or hidden reasons for it. What to do in this case? First, you need to be able to take responsibility for your words and actions. Secondly, do not engage in self-flagellation. If a person does not accept the apology made for the thousandth time, then this is his choice. He subconsciously puts himself in the place of the judge, and the offender in the place of the accused, and waits for the accused to prove his innocence. This is a good means of manipulation; it’s good that the other person has the right to choose to become the accused or simply step aside, giving the offended person time to think. Any relationship is always a job for two. If someone cannot overcome his pride, it means that she means more to him than a friend or loved one. Is it worth maintaining such a relationship? This is a purely individual question. Thirdly, you need to be able to forgive, not only the offense, but also yourself for unworthy behavior. You need to learn to tell yourself: “Yes, I did something bad, I admit it and will try not to do it again.”
To be offended or offended - these things happen too often in our lives. As Francois de La Rochefoucauld said: “People of small intelligence are sensitive to any insults, people of great intelligence do not notice them and are not offended by anything.” Over time, any mistakes will become an invaluable experience; the main thing is not to fill your life with constant grievances, otherwise you may miss all its bright splendor.
