How to understand a guy who won't let go, but doesn't want to live together either

Psychology and the meaning of living together

People have a natural need .

Each of us wants to have a loved one on whom we can rely, with whom it is pleasant to wake up in the morning, and to lead a common life.

The intimate side is one of the important ones, but not as strong as the need for emotional intimacy.

Living together can become a testing stage before marriage, so many couples initially live for some time without formalizing the relationship.

Basic meanings of living together:

satisfaction of sexual needs;
achieving material wealth; being alone makes it more difficult to regulate your financial condition;
social status - you are no longer considered single, and living together for several months or years can be equated to marriage;
receiving support from a partner.

For a woman, living together can be of greater importance, since she initially strives to create a family , and later to have a child.

A man is not so clearly aimed at a serious relationship , but for him having a permanent partner is no less important.

Living together is a certain level of comfort, however, it is also associated with obligations and changes in the usual rhythm of life.

Talk about the positive aspects of living together

There should be no pressure or emotions during the conversation. Talk to him calmly and discuss the positive aspects of living together. Tell him that when he moves into your home, he will receive warm and cozy conditions, solve financial problems together, and the like. If he says that the opinion of his family is important, tell him that by this decision he will rise in their eyes.

A loved one enjoys spending a lot of time with friends. Then you will offer to invite friends home and organize interesting parties and events. These are some of the positives you can talk to him about.

It is not necessary for your beloved man to know about the real reasons, since psychologists recommend not using the “I position” in a conversation with him and saying that “I want to meet with you more often.” Talk not about yourself, but about the fact that living together will give him or you a lot of time to spend together.

Don't expect your partner to agree right away. He will want to be left alone to think and come to the right decision. Don't put pressure on him and try not to rush him. He will give a decision no earlier than two weeks.

Pros and cons of cohabitation

Before you agree to live together, it is worth considering the pros and cons of living together.

This will allow you to evaluate whether it is truly right for you.

Pros of living together:

you no longer need to look for a time and place to meet, now you see each other every day;
maintaining a general budget, this will improve your financial condition if there are not enough funds for living;
your relationship is moving to a more serious stage;
you can test your feelings and ability to live together, solve everyday issues, plan expenses;
now sex can happen almost any time. When you lived in different houses, you had to plan it, choose a place and time;
you get the status of being in a relationship.

Disadvantages of living together:

the need to maintain a joint budget;
money issue - partners’ salaries may differ, which means there will be a need to distribute funds;
A guy's self-esteem can be affected by the fact that a girl earns more than him.
the need to adapt to your partner and change your usual lifestyle;
living together, on the basis of which disagreements may arise;
moving, renting a house or living with one of the parents, which is associated with some inconveniences;
the partner is not ideal, he has shortcomings that he will have to put up with, some personality traits may begin to irritate over time;
you will have to maintain order, learn to organize space together so that both feel comfortable;
There will be less personal space.

What is more for you - pros or cons - depends on the specific case and the people who are going to live together.

Should we move in together or not? 10 signs that it's time for you to move in together!

Living together can easily turn your relationship into hell! Or vice versa – take them to a new level. After living with you for a couple of months, MCH can seriously talk about marriage. Or vice versa - understand that in everyday life you are incompatible.

To successfully pass the test of life together, the main thing is not to force things. You need to move in together when you are really ready for it. Then you both will enjoy living under the same roof. However, how do you know if your relationship has matured to such an important step?

WomanJournal.ru invites you to check our list. If at least 5 signs match, it means that most likely you and your boyfriend will get along well together. And your couple can safely look for an apartment to live together. So, check your readiness!

Your dream man saw you without makeup/with a hangover/with a cold, etc., but his feelings did not cool down because of this. If, waking up with you in the morning, he happily hugs and kisses you, calls you “his most beautiful girl,” etc. - it means he really loves you for who you are, even without hair styling and makeup! This is a good sign!
He says that he would like to see you more often and tries to spend every free minute with you. Yes, and you would like to spend as much time as possible with your loved one.
You have more than once jokingly discussed the prospect of living together and have already decided who will cook and who will take out the trash. If this conversation hasn't happened yet, have one. Even if you jokingly try to discuss the terms of your life together, you will immediately understand whether your views on household responsibilities, earnings, everyday life, etc. coincide. If not, then it is better to resolve differences and find compromises now, before you start living together.
You like to spend time together and are never bored when alone with each other. Many couples survive only through constant joint entertainment: restaurants, cinema, clubs, companies. And left alone with each other in the apartment, they realize that they have nothing to talk about. Make sure this isn't about you!
You know the shortcomings of your MCH, but you are quite ready to ignore them. It's worth moving in together only when you accept your loved one for who he is. If, when you move in together, you hope to change it, then your life together will turn into an eternal war.
The prospect of life together inspires you! You're dreaming about how you'll cook a romantic dinner by candlelight or take a bubble bath together. If you associate life together with a mountain of unwashed dishes, boring routine sex and a faded robe, it’s clear you haven’t matured yet.
You have already discussed and decided the financial issue for yourself. Who will make money? Who pays the rent? On whose income will you go on vacation? How much will each of you contribute to the overall budget? If you have already discussed the topic of money and come to an agreement, then your love boat is not afraid of the rocks of everyday life.
MCH has already proposed to you, but you decided to test the relationship by living together. Quite reasonable!
You have suitable living space. It is advisable, of course, to live together. But if this is not possible, and you live with relatives, then at least live in an apartment where there are fewer problems! Think about it, do you want to live not only with MCH, but also with his mother, grandmother, dog and bitch sister? If not, don’t rush to move in!
MCH suggested living together, and you were overjoyed and without hesitation, you said “yes”! This is the surest sign of your readiness. It sounds like you want this with all your heart and your mind can't control your feelings. Great! Move in! And may your feelings only grow stronger, and may your romance move towards a happy wedding ending!

Here are the reasons why you shouldn’t move in together:

All your friends moved in with their boyfriends, and you decided that it was time for you too.
Your relationship leaves much to be desired, and you hope to improve it by living together.
You are tired of living with your parents and want to move away from them at any cost.
You just like your MCH’s apartment. And much stronger than the MCH himself!

Advice from psychologists and practical recommendations

Living together requires some preparation , including moral. As a rule, it is difficult for any person to change their usual lifestyle.

For guys

How to invite a girl to live together?

You are probably worried whether the girl will agree to live together, how she will react to the proposal.

But you won't know unless you ask.

Organize a romantic atmosphere, let the girl feel comfortable. She must understand that next to her is a reliable guy who can always be relied on .

Try to find out what the girl thinks about the possibility of living together, whether this gives her positive emotions.
Before you make an offer, think about where you will live, whether you have enough money to rent an apartment, and if necessary, to live together.
If you plan to rent housing, then it is better to choose it together with your girlfriend. She will appreciate that you value her opinion.
Voice your proposal. It's better to do this in private, in a romantic setting.

How to find out if a guy loves you? Read about it here.

The girl doesn’t want to live together: why and what to do?

It is quite possible that the girl will answer negatively.

Reasons for this:

she is scared;
her parents are against it;
does not feel responsible in you;
she is not ready for life together;
she doesn’t want to depend on her partner yet;
she is not attached enough to you.

What to do in this case? Consider whether it is really worth insisting.

If a girl is not yet ready to live together, then there is no need to rush things.

If her parents are against it, get to know them better and show your best side.

If a girl does not perceive you as a responsible, serious person with whom you can live together, you will have to try to change her opinion about you. It is not words that speak about a person, but actions, so prove your worth with deeds .

Fears can be dispelled by behavior and beliefs. Say kind words to the girl, create the image of a reliable guy you can rely on.

If you have problems with your financial situation, you may need to think about changing jobs or learn how to plan your expenses wisely. There is no need to keep silent about the fact that you don’t have enough finances yet - this should not come as a surprise to the girl after you start living together.

The man doesn't want to live together

Hello Anna!

Do you want to see next to you a person who takes advantage of the uncertainty of your relationship as he sees fit for himself, without intending to take your interests into account? If “yes” - then accept the person as he is, with all the ensuing consequences, such as: his free choice of where to be, with whom to be and when to be, his unpreparedness and immaturity to build strong relationships and have the patience to wait when his maturity will come, if it ever comes.

If the answer is “no,” then formulate for yourself what you want at this stage from a relationship with the man next to you. If you definitely want to create family ties and feel your “maturity” - then correlate what you have from your current relationship and answer yourself honestly - are you ready to wait for certainty for an indefinite time, since this person is the embodiment of your ideas about your life partner . If this is really “HE”, then you need to understand more clearly that he is not ready at the moment to start a family and feels including himself in your plans as an attack on his freedom.

The very history of his “unfreedom” may have different reasons. He lives with you in a mode that is convenient for himself, which he defends. There are contradictions in his behavior and in his explanation of it.

In fact, living with you, he declares his unpreparedness for “cohabitation.” This is the first contradiction.

In fact, living with you, he behaves like a free person, without informing you of his absences. This is the second contradiction.

In fact, living with you, he declares that he cannot live in your apartment. This is the third.

Then what does he do for you 5 days a week out of 7???

Next, why does he need these 2 days? For relax? From whom? From what? From you? Does he get tired of your time together? Then from what exactly? Maybe you are putting too much effort into him, as an object through which your scheme for building family happiness will be implemented? Maybe he is strenuously resisting precisely this pressure of yours and does not want to be included in it, as the performer of your script? One can only guess from your letter

About what lies at the heart of your relationship. If this is a family structure project, then you should understand yourself and understand what kind of relationship you really want, what they should be based on - on an agreement that you are building a family consciously and the main thing for you and your chosen one is a joint business (home, raising children, etc.). Such marriages are possible, but they must be based on a mutual agreement, which is not evident in your case.

If you want love, then you should realize the true motives of your relationship and evaluate whether the feeling underlies it.

This situation gives you the opportunity not to make a mistake and encourages you to look deep into yourself to see your true reflection, which is clouded for you by the fog of your own uncertainty. The fear of your age spurs you on to organize your life, but should you adjust relationships that do not suit you very much to your age, just to create for yourself the illusion that you have managed to do everything in this life? How will this adjustment turn out? What if your real soulmate appears in front of you at the age of 35? What will you do then? Be honest with yourself - and then your partners will “mirror” your honesty to you. Don't be afraid to let go of what is tearing from your hands. Everything that is yours will remain with you, subject to free choice. If, of course, you are ready for it yourself.

All the best.

The man does not want to live together (1 answer)
Good answer3 Bad answer0