Decide who you want to be
Using three adjectives, describe the kind of person you want to be.
Perhaps the image will change over time, but the very fact of its presence is very important: the selected qualities will serve as your value guide and the basis for decisions and actions. Perhaps some qualities will be relevant for a short time, for a specific task or goal. Others will stay with you for a long time. Decide for yourself. Adjectives don't have to be serious. You may have gone through difficult times, so cheer yourself up. Consider whether you want to be: positive, brave, kind, skillful, strong, motivated, calm, optimistic, wise, gentle, loving, resilient, generous, compassionate, open, effective, friendly, active, energetic, patient, happy, generous , passionate, disciplined, responsible, caring.
Act like the person you would like to become and you will eventually become that person. Be your own beacon and guide.
Control your reactions
Very often you will have to mobilize all your internal resources to remain strong and courageous. You must admit that you cannot run away from unpleasant emotions or shrug them off. You must face them, acknowledge these feelings, understand them properly and learn to control them.[…]
It's important to remember this when people hurt your feelings, either intentionally or accidentally. They themselves are not always aware of the impact of their words and actions. At such moments, I try not to forget that people are only projecting their own attitude towards themselves onto me. By impulsively reacting to your interlocutor’s remark, you give him your strength. If I see that a person is really trying to hurt me, then I mentally raise a shield with a mirror facing him in order to protect myself and show him that now he is not talking about me, but about himself.
Of all the advice I have received in life, one of the most useful was the following: you cannot influence how people will treat you or change some situations, but you can control your reaction to them.
You cannot change the direction of the wind, but you can control your sails.
The same goes for living alone: perhaps you would like to share shelter with another adult or have a family, but the reality is that there is no one nearby, so how joyful such a life will be for you will depend only on your attitude to the current situation .
As my own life experience shows, difficulties strengthen us. A grain of sand in a shell turns into a pearl. Therefore, perceive any troubles - and they will be - as veils, through which you will become stronger and wiser. And if you urgently need to throw out your seething emotions, take a dozen eggs and go for a walk in the forest; Throw the eggs into the trees with all your strength - and feel how satisfaction replaces anger!
Why is a single life more fulfilling?
The same studies showed that single people are more successful throughout almost their entire lives. Why can the life of a single person be considered more fulfilling? According to sociologists, such people usually have a larger number of friends, and compared to those who are married, they do many times more to maintain their relationships with friends, relatives, neighbors and colleagues, and they, accordingly, do not remain in front of indebted to them.
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As a result, the life of a loner seems to be multiplied by the lives of all the people who surround him, and he himself inevitably finds himself in a kind of epicenter of many events, in which there is no place for either boredom or, strictly speaking, loneliness itself. In other words, a hermit man simply has no time to be alone.
Look down on loneliness
The mere fact that no one is around doesn't mean anything. The problem is the feeling of loneliness, which appears under different masks. It can be hidden behind sadness, apathy, indifference, fatigue, depression. It's tangible. It's real. It won't go away that easily. How to defeat him?
Understand that this is normal. Accept your loneliness and move on with your life. There is no escape from the feeling of loneliness. It is a fact. Everyone I talked to while working on the book touched on the topic of loneliness. Everyone experiences this feeling: some to a greater extent, some to a lesser extent. It's like you're driving through hilly terrain and occasionally descending into dark valleys. This feeling is expected. The main thing is not to linger in the lowlands, do not set up camp there.
You can fight the oncoming feeling of loneliness with moral and physical means. The first ones are much more important. You can, of course, physically surround yourself with people, but your sense of self has nothing to do with them. This is an internal attitude. There is no hiding from him; you will only run away from yourself. So accept it, come to terms with it and move on with it.
Accept that loneliness, like happiness, sadness, death, birth, love and delight, is an integral part of being human.
Resign yourself and move on with your life.
GuruTest
Conscious loneliness, even today, when the importance of marriage and relationships has seriously decreased, still raises questions and bewilderment. People who are influenced by public opinion and have traditional views on life may find it difficult to accept the fact that relationships are not a necessary element of human existence.
However, being single is probably just another modern norm, not an aberration. After conducting a survey, we found out why some people deliberately refuse relationships: here are several reasons that can push a person to such a decision.
Is it okay to be single by choice?
For those who can’t wait to meet their “soul mate,” the “prince on a white horse” and similar mythical creatures that are almost never encountered in real life, it can be difficult to understand people who do not strive for this at all, preferring loneliness to relationships. Such a choice seems abnormal and, accordingly, the one who makes it also automatically turns into an abnormal person (in the eyes of those thirsty for love, of course).
Of course, such judgments are far from the truth: being lonely is absolutely normal. There are people who do not need friends, there are even those who can easily do without relationships throughout their lives - why should they burden themselves with an alliance and responsibility if they don’t have to?
Why do people choose to be alone?
People choose to be single, leaving relationships temporarily or permanently, for many different reasons. Someone has never been able to survive betrayal or separation from their soulmate, someone has simply become disillusioned with a relationship or feels comfortable only being alone - are there any good reasons to be left alone?
We conducted a survey and made a selection of stories: real people tell why they decided to give up relationships for life.
Anton, 29
I first thought about loneliness when I once again had to break up with my girlfriend. Oddly enough, there were no scandals, but it was this, already the fourth breakup, like two peas in a pod like all the previous ones, that made me understand: something needs to be done about this.
Unlike previous times, I didn’t want to get a new girl either in a month, or in two, or even in six months: probably, my subconscious, which was quite bored with stereotyped petty quarrels, thus saved me from another waste of time.
After living alone, I realized: this is what I wanted all this time! My life does not depend on anyone: I take a vacation when I want it, and not when my “other half” wants it, I spend money mainly on myself, and not on meaningless and stupid, but therefore no less expensive whims of the partner. My parents, of course, are not very happy with all this, but this is my life, not theirs.
Anna, 35
There have been enough men and notorious marriage proposals in my life: I can’t say that somehow I was deprived of the attention of fans. But the relationship itself became more and more boring over and over again: I even began to watch how soon the next dizzying romance would turn into gray everyday life that did not captivate me in any way.
Until a certain time, my views on life were quite standard: I could not even imagine that a woman could live her life by deliberately giving up relationships and marriage.
But somehow I came across an article about Singlism (it is studied by social psychologist and professor Bella De Paulo), and I must say, very timely - it seemed to open my eyes to the world. I’m a fairly decisive person: I’m not used to pushing hard. Having broken off a long-boring romance, I thought: why not try to live the way I want, without trying to find a man just because it’s “necessary” (who, you ask, “needs it”, and why?)?
Mom oohed and ahhed, but in the end she accepted the fact that she wouldn’t be able to look at my wedding dress: I managed to convince her that my happiness was more important than imposed stereotypes. Several years have passed since then, and so far I feel quite comfortable alone: the need for a relationship has apparently faded away completely.
As you can see, there is nothing surprising in the fact that some people strive for loneliness, wanting to live their whole lives without a relationship: not everyone needs a partner. In addition, sometimes relationships can contain more negative than positive aspects.
However, loneliness is not always a conscious choice: sometimes people find themselves in this position without wanting it at all, and suffer from it. But there is a way out: you just need to get rid of the reasons that actually prevent you from meeting a couple.
Tell us what you think about this: why do you think some people deliberately spend their lives alone, avoiding relationships? Is this normal or not? Why?
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14.01.2019 03:53
Replace "loneliness" with "solitude"
Paul Tillich wrote: “Language wisely separates two sides of one phenomenon. There is a word for loneliness that means suffering without others. And there is a word, “solitude,” which means bliss without others. Turn away from loneliness with its criticism and isolation. Turn to face its more welcoming brother - solitude.
Solitude is closer to a conscious decision and allows you to maintain your self-esteem. Solitude is a personal choice, while loneliness is a condition imposed by circumstances.
An old Buddhist saying goes, “A tenth of an inch is the difference, and heaven and earth are separate.” Solitude and loneliness are also separated by a tenth of an inch, but it is crucial for our sense of self.
When you live alone, you have to rethink your worldview, and this is not all the changes. Don't even think about considering living alone as a prison sentence that you have to serve. Change your perspective. Reframe the concept. Solitude is not a stone around your neck, but a protective capsule. A means to achieve a goal. Learn to draw strength from it - and you will be rewarded.
Happiness at will
“If you want to be happy, be happy,” said Tolstoy. He knew something about life even before scientists began to seriously study the problem of happiness, and authors raced to write their practical guides for those who wanted to find the joy of life.
The world is as you see it. So if you feel like you missed your chance or that life has treated you unfairly, that is your reality. I'm not saying you should think positive thoughts with a fake smile on your face, but research (and common sense) indicates that a positive inner attitude leads to positive outcomes. In the morning, as soon as your feet touch the floor, think about how you would like to live the coming day.
Experts have proven that feeling happy contributes to success, and not the other way around.
Increase your power with a totem
We single people are like aerial acrobats in a circus, performing without a safety net. Criticism and sarcastic comments can throw us off balance in no time, and I am continually surprised and saddened by the number of them. Some come from strangers, some from friends and enemies pretending to be friends. Most of these people do not know what it means to live alone, and do not even suspect the extent to which their statements hurt us.
Okay, don't worry, life goes on. Without false optimism, I am sure that difficulties strengthen us and give us the opportunity to learn something, even if it may take many years to master the lesson. Perhaps our abusers are learning something too.
We must become thick-skinned. Wrap yourself in an imaginary protective cloak and let it ward off all grievances.
I learned resilience from three animals and began to consider them my totems. These are wild dog, lioness and bison.
Wild Dog Solo
As a child, I was given the book Solo by Hugo van Lawick. It tells about a wild dog puppy. After the death of her brothers in a fight with other dogs, Solo is left alone. She joins someone else's pack and tries her best to keep up with it. Strangers ignore her, but she does not give up. For me, this dog with sparkling eyes and torn ears from numerous fights is the embodiment of resilience. Her story serves as an example for me.
Lioness
During that period of my life, when the divorce process was going on, I accidentally came across one image that made a deep impression on me. On a bas-relief in the British Museum I saw an Assyrian lioness: wounded, she continues to fight. Now I see myself as a lonely lioness, restored to strength, restrained and proud.
Buffalo
Did you know that during a snowstorm, of all living creatures, only bison instinctively turn around and go straight into the heart of the storm, knowing that this is the shortest path to salvation. Perhaps I'm too carried away by anthropomorphism, but it is impossible not to fall in love with an animal that rushes towards difficulties without blinking an eye.
Solo's tenacity, the lioness's desperate resistance, and the buffalo's ability to face difficulties remind me that I should not give in to the negativity of pessimists, spiteful critics and imaginary friends.
Turn your lonely life into a project
Why not write a book about your single life story or document it? What helps you? What advice would you give to other people in the same situation? What challenges have you faced and what lessons have you learned from them? How did the process of changing your sense of self from “I’m alone” to “I’m on my own” develop?
Many women have written about their experiences of secluded life, including Joan Anderson (A Year by the Sea), Anne-Morrow Lindbergh (Gift of the Sea), and Alix Cates Shulman (Drinking in the Rain). Read it. Perhaps you will find something inspiring in these books.
A full life alone is an internal attitude that cannot be formed on its own. Explore new experiences as if you were in a strange land, and draw a map of your life alone, as if it were an island. What is good about this island, and where are the problems? What beauties are you proud of? What corners have not yet been explored?
Can a person live happily all his life alone?
Here, first, you need to clarify what the author means by loneliness.
If there is complete isolation, even physical isolation - when there is not a soul around, then, most likely, sooner or later - depending on all the given circumstances of such isolation and the character and inclinations of the person himself, he will become a little crazy - well, at least as above we noticed that man is a social being, and this will cause significant harm to the psyche. There are, of course, extraordinary cases such as hermit monks or madly enthusiastic scientists for whom there is nothing except the subject of study (a la Perelman; although strictly speaking, they are not isolated, they do not live on a desert island and there are some everyday social contacts and theirs), but that’s why they are extraordinary, it hardly makes sense to compare them with ordinary people.
If what is meant is a feeling of loneliness - and it doesn’t matter how many acquaintances and friends a person has, the main thing is that he experiences an oppressively heavy feeling of loneliness - then this is very difficult and has a very destructive effect on the psyche of a person, and a person in general, makes him unhappy. You can live like this, there are plenty of examples, but life is mostly bitter.
If we are talking about formal loneliness - when a person is such a giraffe on his own, then with a certain level of self-sufficiency and character, this is completely normal. Sometimes such a person may have few social contacts, while another may populate some small European country with his acquaintances and comrades, this is not the point, the important thing is that he is fundamentally lonely, he has no close connections, no special attachments, and his This is not at all confusing or upsetting. If we talk about such loneliness, then a person can live his whole life like this and not experience discomfort; moreover, often what brings him discomfort is the need to get out of this lonely state, if it suddenly arises.
If we are talking about loneliness in terms of relationships with the opposite (or one’s own, depending on orientation) sex, then everything is more complicated than in the previous paragraph, due to several factors at once: physiological attraction (many deceive themselves and confuse it with desire to be with someone; a small percentage of the population, however, does not have it, this point does not apply to them), traditions (relationships and family are taken for granted, like the fact that children at 6-7 years old go to school, and in the winter they celebrate the New Year), public pressure - both direct (“all your classmates are already married!”, “When will you bring us a bride?”), and indirect (relationships, weddings, children - all this is positioned as some kind of that achievement, a necessary achievement, without which you are almost incomplete). But in general, if a person really has no desire to start a relationship (many create the appearance that he doesn’t have it because it doesn’t work out, well, this, in general, also applies to the previous point with communication and friends) and he has sufficiently strong willpower and independence from other people’s opinions, then he can quite calmly live his whole life alone (it’s not prohibited by law, it’s 95% safe... well, okay, that’s subjectivity).
Be kind to yourself
We women are prone to harsh self-criticism, and it seems to me that living alone exacerbates this quality of ours. Sometimes I feel like the central mast of a circus big top - when I have to be responsible for everything at once - and I don’t always cope with this load successfully. We demand too much from ourselves, and when we don't meet our own expectations, it significantly undermines our self-esteem.
Not everything is going smoothly for everyone. So don't think about others. Congratulate yourself on the progress you have made and do not be afraid of what remains to be accomplished. Everything will work out.
Each of us has our own path, and it is different for everyone.
Find your ikigai - your purpose
The Japanese have a concept called ikigai - the reason that makes them get up in the morning. This is a person’s healthy craving for what fills his life with meaning; in other words, the goal. Finding it means finding the direction of movement; it's like marking a destination on Google Maps.
If you don’t set yourself such global goals as finding a higher goal or calling, if you’re not at all interested in that, don’t worry. Not everyone is born for a great mission.
There are many threads of experience in our lives that point the way to our goal. It happens that it is already known, but perhaps it is hidden on the periphery or in the past. Look into the depths of your consciousness and search hard. The goal does not have to be global and great. The main thing is that it suits you. She will be found; and you don't have to chase it too hard. Life constantly talks to us and gives us hints. Our job is to listen.
Why men's loneliness is perceived differently
Loneliness is like the smell of a poisonous plant: it is pleasant, but intoxicating and over time becomes destructive for the strongest people. © Friedrich Spielhagen
Women, leading psychologists and men of different ages and social status explain the reasons for male loneliness in different ways. If guys can cite the need to study a lot and build a career, lack of time for acquaintances and meetings, then men in adulthood look for an excuse in the fact that they failed to meet true love. Some position their loneliness as freedom, the absence of any duties and responsibilities. They attribute these concepts to the advantages of male loneliness.
The overwhelming majority of representatives of the stronger sex want to have a stable relationship, an established life, and children at the age of thirty. In their opinion, they can already build their entire future career, a program for their implementation, while being family members. It doesn’t even matter to them whether their marriage will be official, or whether they will simply live together with their chosen ones. The main thing is that men are conscious of the fact that having a family is a must, and they should choose a reliable life partner.
However, the number of young men who have not started a family by the age of thirty is growing every year. They begin to understand that the older they get, the fewer opportunities they have to organize their lives. Very often, men refer to their own shyness, excessive modesty, or even timidity in front of women. They find advantages in this situation, because they have time and energy for professional growth. Thus, young men reassure themselves and focus on prioritizing social status and achieving material well-being.
Be your own good company, encourager and supporter.
You are your own team. One person team. You spend more time with yourself than anyone else, so try to be your own good company. I'm lucky. I feel good alone with myself. But if everything is wrong with you, how can you improve the situation?
People rarely compliment or praise others, so fill that vacuum yourself. Don't wait for someone to tell you "well done" or "great job." Pat yourself on the back systematically. You do not lose heart and move on - this is already worthy of praise.
Slam the door in the face of all negativity
If you are tormented by negative thoughts, do not brush them aside, but acknowledge them. You can even give them names if it helps: “you are pettiness”, “you are impatience”, “you are tired and frustrated”. Now, with Nora's determination, slam the door in their face so they don't ruin your life anymore.
Instead of complaining about how and why you ended up in a particular situation, find the nearest reflective surface and say out loud what you are going to do about the situation.
Of course, anything happens in life. I don't live in a fantasy world and don't wear rose-colored glasses. My heart still shrinks a little from the sound of my “thank you” to the cashier at the supermarket, said in a voice hoarse from a whole day of silence. And sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and can’t sleep from worry. I miss the calming feeling of having someone nearby who I can rely on.
The thoughts in your head are not idle, and negativity always does its dirty work. They whisper in your ear: “You are old. You're ugly. You're a loser. You are fat. Is it possible to love you? What good are you to the world?” Women are very strong by nature, and it is doubly offensive that we voluntarily become hostages of these vile voices in our heads.
Fight them as best you can, do not succumb to their corrupting influence. We must deprive them of their strength, otherwise they will take root and bloom magnificently. Don't let yourself get bogged down in habitual dissatisfaction with everyone and everything: this is an emotional dead end. Pull yourself out of the swamp, shake off the dirt and move on. You choose your thoughts.
Loneliness as most people imagine it
When a girl has already passed 30 years old, and she still has neither a husband nor children, she is usually called an old maid. If we take this expression literally, an association comes to mind with a certain withered tree, which someone once forgot to water a long time ago, and then never remembered about it. Days turned into months, and months into years. At first it seemed to the tree that he was the Little Prince on his own planet and he only needed to wait for his Fox. But the Fox never came, and even the rare rains that sometimes happened disappeared somewhere. To survive, the tree had to sink its roots deep, deep in order to reach any moisture. But there was so little of it that one day the tree simply fell asleep. He began to have colorful dreams, in which streams gurgled and waterfalls rumbled, and the tree itself turned green, blossomed and bore abundant fruit. These dreams were so good that in the end the tree decided not to wake up at all, preferring a much more attractive half-sleep to a dehydrated and generally meaningless reality.
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So, in the generally accepted understanding, loneliness is a kind of handicap or illness given to a person by fate itself, and therefore he, like some kind of Sisyphus, is obliged to meekly drag out his mortal existence as a semi-hermit. But is it really so? Is loneliness really a fate, or can it be a conscious choice? Let's try to figure it out.
Act as if...
The words we choose significantly influence our sense of self, our approach to many things, and the outcome of our actions. The more often you say “I want...” or “I need...”, the less likely you are to get what you want. Instead, act as if everything has already happened and you are reaping the benefits. Replace “I would like to be successful” with “I am successful” and “I would like to have a job that I like” with “I have a great job” and behave accordingly. You will immediately notice dramatic changes in your attitude towards the world. This inner mindset is much more likely to lead you to success.
I am confident in the effectiveness of this technique, because I myself was forced to look for a full-time job when I was already over fifty, and everything worked out. Now I have to do it again. A harmful inner voice whispers: “I’m too old, no one will hire me.” I understand that such prophecies turn into a disaster, so I consciously changed my internal attitude to “Now I bring a lot of benefit to my clients. I am calm about my abilities, confident in them, I have significant valuable experience behind me.”
However, sitting at home, doing positive auto-training, reading “The Secret” and eating crumpets, I’m unlikely to find a job. To do this, I have to shake up my connections and send out a resume with a compelling cover letter. Now I approach this task with confidence and act as if...
If you can’t act on the “as if…” principle, try rephrasing the problems in a positive, pragmatic way, look at them as problems for which you simply need to find solutions.
- It was: “I can’t afford this.” It became: “How can I make it so that I can afford it?”
- It was: “I can’t.” It became: “How can I do it?”
- It was: “I find this difficult.” It became: “I’m working in this direction.”
- It was, “I should have.” It became: “I will do it.”
In general, the idea is clear.
This too shall pass
When problems pile up all at once and you begin to feel like your boat is about to take on water, put things in perspective. Whatever difficulties you are facing now are just a tiny point on the line of your life. In a year or five, today's events will mean much less or will be completely forgotten. You are stronger than you think.
Australian writer Jane Matthews believes that the ability to be single and still enjoy life is not a difficult skill, but it requires some effort and mental work. Kind of like learning a foreign language. In his book “Life in Solo Style. How to live alone and enjoy it,” she sincerely talks about what helped her.
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How men escape loneliness
Men's loneliness forces them to seek salvation in communication with friends, in sports activities, in clubs and organizations. A person strives to find solace, to feel needed, to find recognition.
With such approaches, solving the problem can only be postponed, because this is only a temporary solution that will not change the situation as a whole. A person will remain lonely both in a circle of like-minded people, in the gym, and at home. Male loneliness will be within himself, and he will not be able to hide from it. The worst scenario could be excessive indulgence in alcohol, casual relationships and dubious companies. A person risks falling into the abyss, and he should come to his senses and reconsider his behavior.
Sooner or later, all friends will start families. Interest clubs will become unattractive, and meetings for intimate relationships with frivolous women will exhaust all mental resources. If we also don’t forget that the years are passing, then in five or six years it will be very difficult, almost impossible, to catch up.
A person cannot be alone. He still needs a companion with whom he would share all his joys and sorrows, on whose support he could count in any situation. Therefore, there is no reason to cling to male loneliness; it has never brought happiness to anyone, no matter how those who are proud of their imaginary freedom and apparent independence try to convince him of this.
