Why can't we let go of the past
Someone, having experienced a strong shock, pulls himself together, recovers and moves on with his life. And some, even after the unsuccessful end of a relationship that lasted only 2 months, become fixated on negative thoughts and experiences, delve into themselves and endlessly remember the past.
So why is it so difficult for us to let go? I will list the main reasons.
- We regret what we once did, we blame ourselves for the mistakes of the past. Constantly replaying what has already happened in our heads, we continue to think about what we could have done differently. Then everything wouldn't have turned out so bad.
- Past grievances are so deeply ingrained in our hearts that in our thoughts we often return to those who hurt us and acted unfairly. We are trying to understand why they treated us this way. We continue to condemn these people. We blame them for the fact that our lives did not work out.
- The happy moments we have experienced do not let us go. More precisely, we have clung to them with a death grip, because in the present nothing pleases us and there is nothing to be proud of. Immersing ourselves in these memories, we again feel happy for a short time. We become addicted to these memories. They, like a drug, take us far from the gloomy reality.
It's always nice to plunge into good memories and indulge in nostalgia. There is nothing wrong. The danger arises at the moment when a person becomes dependent on his past. He is so dissatisfied with himself, with his life, that he seeks to escape from reality in those times that have long passed. But living in the past means dying in the present.
A person stops developing as a person. He no longer strives for anything, does not set goals and does not try to achieve them. He's stuck. And this condition can last for several years. As examples, I will give women who buried themselves alive after the death of their lovers. Middle-aged men who were brilliant in their youth, but never achieved success in life.
Life passes by for such people. And if someone does manage to wake up, they feel the bitterness of disappointment for the years spent aimlessly. To avoid this in your life, you need to learn to let go of the past.
Several useful things from Vikium for all those who want to learn to think
I am returning to the site that I recommended to you at the very beginning of the article. This is a great help for all those who want to become smarter.
There are courses and simulators on Wikium. The courses are paid, but most of them are very cheap - from 990 to 1,690 rubles. There are only about 10 courses. The simulators are completely free, there are more than 90 of them on the website.
First I will recommend courses to you, then I will list a few top trainers.
Development of thinking
Description . The training is generally aimed at developing your thinking. The course teaches you to work with different types of information, be more thoughtful and attentive, and concentrate on tasks that require a lot of mental activity.
The first material - about how to overcome apathy forever - is sent by the authors of the course for free - go to the training page, enter your email address and wait for the letter.
When you complete the training, you will be able to easily count in your head, construct your speech competently and convincingly, find solutions in difficult situations, and skillfully argue your point of view. These skills will be useful to you in absolutely any field.
Authors : Vikium project specialists.
Cost : only 990 rubles. Hurry before the price goes up.
Find out more and sign up
Development of creative thinking
Description . Here the material is narrower, the emphasis is on the development of creative thinking. You will develop creativity in yourself, even if you have not previously engaged in creativity at all in any form. Please note that the teacher is a mathematician by training.
The material is presented in video format; there is also text information, diagrams and tables, and many practical exercises.
You will get the ideal result if you combine this course with 2-3 free exercise machines, which I recommend below.
Author : Sofya Kosyak.
Cost : 990 rub.
Find out more and sign up
Emotional intellect
Description . A person who knows how to think must be able to subordinate feelings to reason. The course will teach you to recognize the emotions of other people and better control your own emotional manifestations. After completing the training, you will be calm in conflict situations and confident in yourself when communicating with other people.
The program includes 20 lessons, which are 80% practical. You will find here many techniques, exercises, tests, and simulators.
Vikium takes its products seriously - purchase with confidence.
Author : Oleg Kalinichev.
Cost : 990 rub.
Find out more and sign up
Mentalist
Description . The course will help you become a more thoughtful person in a short period of time. You will develop logic, be able to find non-standard solutions to complicated situations, and easily see cause-and-effect relationships in a variety of problems and conflicts.
The training is aimed at teaching everyone to “see ahead” - to predict the actions of themselves and those around them.
You will find here several problems for practical practice, a huge number of logic exercises and puzzles of various types, and tests.
You will count in your head, think through your actions in advance, like a professional chess player, without resorting to any auxiliary means. It will be useful in both life and career.
Authors : Vikium project specialists.
Cost : 990 rub.
Find out more and sign up
Mnemonics
Description . Mnemonics help to remember information that is difficult to memorize: names of a large number of people, numbers, mathematical formulas, words and grammatical structures of a foreign language.
The essence of the techniques is the creation of vivid associations that help to imprint the necessary information in memory and associate it with something. In 15 lessons you will learn several mnemonics at the same time; they will open the doors to a wide variety of areas of knowledge.
The administration sends the first course material for free - enter your email address and start studying. You will be convinced that the course is a must-purchase.
You can start practicing techniques on simulators - the teacher will give links to 7 different types of simulators, you can practice on them daily if you have the time and desire.
Authors : Vikium project specialists.
Cost : 990 rub.
Find out more and sign up
Polyglot
Description . If you want to become smarter and immediately find a use for your mind, start learning a foreign language. The “Polyglot” course is a collection of exercises that help you find the “key” to all languages, learn them as quickly as polyglots, federal translators, and world leaders learn.
You will know how to memorize words correctly, how to quickly figure out complex grammatical structures in your head, how to work on pronunciation, and “grasp” texts in a foreign language.
The course is universal. After it, you will be able to take up English, French, even Chinese and successfully learn it, start speaking in the first 2-3 weeks of classes.
Authors : practicing psychologists and linguists from the Vikium team.
Cost : 1,690 rubles.
Find out more and sign up
Brain fitness
Description : The most expensive Vikium course. You pay not so much for the course, but for a special device - a neural interface. It can be purchased separately, costs 11,990 rubles. The neural interface reads electromagnetic waves that come from your brain and sends them to the Vikium platform for analysis.
Reading can occur when you are doing creative work or doing some kind of calculations, when you are resting, cooking, worrying about something, and so on. All data will be analyzed and the site will create personalized advice for you.
The good thing about the course is that it is “tailored” to you personally. You will learn how to calm down, concentrate, distribute your workload - and absolutely all the advice will be adjusted to your “biorhythms”.
In addition to the neural interface, you will work on neurosimulators - these are unique programs that train your brain in different directions. Go to the course page and see what it all looks like.
Authors : psychologists and programmers of the Vikium service.
Cost : 12,990 rubles.
Find out more and sign up
I introduced you to the best training programs. Now I will recommend you several simulators, they are completely free:
- Aquarium - teaches you to concentrate on one subject and not be distracted by others. Trains memory and attention, helps to better remember lectures and instructions from superiors.
- Detective - you will associatively connect the word and the image. The program will improve your imaginative thinking, increase your active vocabulary, and teach you to better understand texts.
- Stories - improve your verbal and logical memorization. Learn to keep large amounts of information in your head that cannot be expressed in formulas.
- Cat and mouse - the simulator is aimed at the simultaneous operation of two hemispheres of the brain. The left will be responsible for analytical memory, the right - for the perception of shape, color, etc.
- Master of words - you will learn to work with words, “feel” them better, remember them, and construct statements correctly.
- Memory matrices are needed primarily for those who study foreign languages or plan to do so in the future. Matrices will help you learn grammar and pronunciation correctly, move from memorizing words to speaking, and so on.
- Mosaic - improves voluntary attention. You will look for some object, learn to quickly refocus from one element to another, and concentrate.
- Paired associations - the so-called “working” type of memory will develop, which is needed to solve logic problems and understand some particularly complex material.
- Counting - the simulator is aimed not so much at counting as at searching for an element; its structure is close to Mosaic.
- Continue the Row is an ideal exercise machine for those who want to learn how to count quickly in their heads. You will continue different series of numbers and learn to quickly make calculations, remember that, for example, 7+5=12, 8+6=14 and so on.
The Wikium site is really cool. In addition to the well-developed content, it is also very nicely designed - I psychologically relax when I come here. Don't pass by - register, add the project to your bookmarks and begin your path to perfection.
What to do to let go of the past and move on
I really like the phrase from the cartoon “Kung Fu Panda”: “The past is forgotten, the future is closed, the present is granted.” It contains the main idea about how to approach your life - to live in the present. Because only it exists at a given moment in time.
I offer you some advice from a psychologist that will help you break out of the captivity of memories.
Realize that the past no longer exists
This is difficult to do, but you need to understand that the past no longer exists. And you are no longer the same person you once were. Those people from your past don't exist either. They have changed. Now they are different people, even if you have known them since birth.
For example, one of my friends could not get rid of the memories of how she was teased and made fun of at school. Now she is already 30 years old. She's not afraid of teenagers. As soon as she realized that those children who bullied her were no longer there, because now they were completely different people, she got rid of unpleasant thoughts about the past.
By the way, I already wrote about how to get rid of negative thoughts.
Focus on the present
Listen to yourself - how you feel, what you want at the moment, what can please you. The practice of mindfulness helps to learn to live in the present. On the Internet you will find a large number of exercises for developing this quality.
One of my favorite exercises is to develop sound-based awareness. When you are in nature, close your eyes and listen carefully to what is happening around you. You will be surprised at how many unfamiliar sounds you will hear. Try to isolate each individual sound, determine its source and where it comes from. At this moment you live exactly here and now. And you realize it.
Also, start your day not with memories, but with gratitude. When you wake up in the morning, thank fate for what you have. For the people you love next to you. For the opportunity to enjoy this wonderful world.
Of course, not everything in the present is smooth and rosy, but this is not a reason to hide from difficulties in the past. Focus on the current problems and how you will solve them. Every obstacle you overcome with dignity will make you proud of yourself in the present.
Forgive all grievances
You can blame anyone for living this way and not otherwise - your parents, girlfriend, classmates, ex-husband, boss. This will not change anything, except that you are depriving yourself of the opportunity to enjoy life. The past cannot be changed. People who once offended you actually live only in your memory.
In fact, they have already changed and may have realized that they hurt you. Try to forgive them with all your heart. Most likely, it won't work the first time. To learn to sincerely forgive, you need to love yourself and understand that the resentment living in your heart poisons your life. Do you need it?
No regrets
Never blame yourself for the past. Is it worth regretting missed opportunities, broken relationships, wasted time? No. Because it won't change anything. In your past, you lived and acted as best you could, based on the current situation, accumulated experience and knowledge.
Regret is a destructive emotion. It’s better to think that you have become more experienced, wiser and will do everything to prevent this from happening again. After all, without this past there would be no present. Tell yourself “from the past” words of support that you so lacked then. Show your then self love and understanding. And be sure to read my article about what to do when you feel bad.
Forget everything bad
Getting rid of old emotional traumas and wounds is difficult. But it is possible. In advanced cases, you cannot do without the help of a psychotherapist. As an independent practice, I really like to burn difficult memories. This is one of the simplest but most effective ways to help you forget all the bad things.
Get yourself a special notebook. For a week or two, write down your negative memories. Everything bad that ever happened to you. Describe how you felt then, what hurtful words they said to you.
And then burn this notebook to the ground somewhere in the forest. Watch carefully as the fire destroys the paper, and with it your painful memories. Feel yourself freeing yourself from a heavy load of negativity and resentment.
Thank the past for wisdom
No matter how difficult your past was, thanks to it you have become stronger and wiser. If a traumatic situation from the past does not let you go, write on a separate sheet of paper what exactly this story taught you. How your life changed after what happened, what did you understand, realize, and what important conclusions did you draw?
Let what you write remain in the present. These will be your pearls of wisdom. And forget all other memories. Leave it deep at the bottom of the subconscious, like river silt. You have removed the most important things from the past.
Don't abuse nostalgia
When going through difficult times, we begin to feel nostalgic about a happy past. For example, if you had a serious quarrel with your significant other, then memories of pleasant moments together will warm you up and help you overcome the crisis that has arisen. And looking at photos taken during past trips will give you energy for your next vacation.
Remembering our cheerful youth, bright youth, first love, stormy college years, it seems to us that this will never happen again. And it really won't happen again. No event can be repeated twice with exactly the same accuracy.
But by cherishing our warm past, we deprive ourselves of the opportunity to be happy in the present. We do not notice new opportunities, new acquaintances, new offers. We miss important moments happening right now.
Think about why you indulge in nostalgia so often. Perhaps this is what you are missing at the moment. Do you remember a trip with friends? Organize a new one. It may well outshine the previous one. Do you miss the romance in your relationship? Discuss your experiences with your partner. Surely he will listen and organize an unforgettable evening for you.
Get down to business
If you are constantly thinking about the past, then you have too much free time. Find yourself an interesting activity, job, passion, hobby. They will consume you so much that you will no longer have the strength or desire to plunge into memories.
Through fun, active activities, you will live in the present and stop thinking about the past.
End the relationship
Many of us idealize the past. We remember former classmates, classmates, old friends who have been living in another city or even country for a long time. These memories are very touching and heartwarming. Some of us mentally talk to these people as if nothing has changed over the years.
The feeling of tenderness and joy that arises when we remember friends from the past pushes us to look for them in real life. And so we find an old friend on a social network and arrange a meeting. We arrive and see in front of us an absolutely alien and seemingly complete stranger. It is in no way similar to the image that lives in our memory.
A few minutes after the start of a sluggish conversation, it becomes clear that you are no longer interested in him, nor are you interested in him. But this experience is useful in that you have ended an unfinished relationship. Now you will not be tormented by illusions. You can safely cross this person out of your life and begin to appreciate more deeply those people who are now nearby.
Steve Jobs: “Do meditation”
The Apple founder was seriously interested in Eastern philosophy and even professed Buddhism. Meditation helped him focus and relieve stress. They also opened the door to knowledge that was inaccessible to rational perception. Here's what Steve said in an interview:
“If you just sit and contemplate, you will notice how limitless your thinking is. If you try to calm him down, you will only make things worse. After a while, it will calm down on its own, and you will gain control over it. At this moment, intuition awakens, and you see everything around you much more clearly and deeply than you saw before.”
I guess I'll follow his example right now. Which is what I advise you to do. I just have a suitable video in stock.
When should you consult a psychotherapist?
In most cases, you can cope with dependence on the past on your own. However, there are situations when you cannot do without the help of a specialist. Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a severe reaction that occurs due to traumatic events.
This is not a character trait at all, but a painful condition that torments a person. Only a doctor can diagnose it. PTSD requires professional treatment. For a person with this disorder, terrible memories from the past arise involuntarily. They force him to relive those terrible events.
PTSD is also called military syndrome because it is common among combat veterans. The disorder can also occur as a result of:
- death of a loved one;
- car accidents;
- plane crashes;
- rape;
- physical and emotional bullying;
- poverty and hunger.
Moreover, this disorder can occur not only in someone who has experienced terrible moments, but also in someone who simply saw it all with his own eyes. The main symptoms of PTSD are:
- intrusive unpleasant memories;
- isolation;
- detachment;
- difficulties in communicating with people and building close relationships;
- causeless anger;
- restless sleep.
If you notice such symptoms in yourself, seek help from a psychotherapist. It will help you leave painful memories in the past and start living a calm and fulfilling life again.
Finally, I recommend watching a short video that will motivate you to let go of the past.
Anatoly Wasserman “Learn to evaluate information”
The famous scholar advises first of all to pay attention to information that contradicts your beliefs and views. In most cases, your knowledge will be enough to detect inaccuracies and errors in it.
If you cannot immediately refute information that disagrees with your views, rejoice. You have a chance to expand your understanding of the world and enrich your own knowledge.
He gives the example of the “cholesterol-free” label on a bottle of sunflower oil. What is she telling you? If you know that vegetable oils, by definition, cannot contain cholesterol, the meaning of this inscription boils down to one thing: the manufacturer is taking you for an idiot.
Wasserman also advises everyone to read four books to form a holistic picture of the world:
- “Anti-Duhring. Dialectics of Nature” Friedrich Engels;
- “The Sum of Technology” Stanislav Lem;
- “The Blind Watchmaker” Richard Dawkins;
- “The Science of Parallel Universes” by David Deutsch.
Forgive yourself and others
Here's how to stop living in the past. After all, resentment is an emotion that destroys a person from the inside. It nests in the heart, preventing you from breathing and enjoying life. Resentment towards yourself and other people flows through your veins like poison. The ability to forgive, including oneself, is extremely important for every person. First of all, resentment creates health problems. However, it also prevents you from loving and breathing deeply.
To forgive another person, put yourself in their shoes. Remember that you sometimes undeservedly offend other people. Have there been similar situations in your life?
Psychologists are sure: a person who is not able to forgive himself cannot grant forgiveness to others. This is an axiom. So start with yourself. Realize that you are imperfect. And so do the people around you. This simple truth often eludes us, who are so intolerant of each other's shortcomings.
What is already working and how can you help yourself?
When faced with new challenges, we tend to forget about our past successes and strengths. What qualities, abilities, and skills of yours helped you resolve difficulties before? What self-help techniques have you heard about but haven’t tried yet (such as mindfulness practices)?
Useful practical advice on self-help for anxiety can be found in the books “The Happiness Trap” by Russ Harris, “Freedom from Anxiety” by Robert Leahy, “Anxiety Comes and Goes” by Georg Eifert and John Forsythe.
How worries arise
Anxiety and worry are emotions that arise as a result of fear for the future. They arise from worry about the future, about the result of our current actions, from a feeling of uncertainty.
The human brain is poorly understood and scientists cannot speak with certainty about the reasons with exact probability. Psychologists are deeply involved in this problem. They offer various practices to overcome feelings of anxiety.
The environment and our attitude towards it are the main factors in the emergence of feelings. Genetics and a person’s predisposition to resist negativity and worry about the future also play a role.
Effective techniques for dealing with memories
If you cannot get rid of memories of the past using basic methods, use additional techniques that work quickly and clearly. Here are the main ones:
- Positive attitude. Before you get out of bed in the morning, tune in to perceive something new. Program yourself for the fact that the new day will bring positive moments, which will subsequently fall into the “piggy bank” of your pleasant memories.
- Give the negative to the water. If you feel like your thoughts are overwhelmed by negative memories of the past, go to the sink and turn on the water. Looking at the stream, scroll through your head everything that worries you, imagining how negative emotions flow down the drain along with the water.
- Change your surroundings. The ideal scenario is a radical change of residence. A more realistic option is to add new details to your environment (re-glue the wallpaper, hang new curtains, acquire a new interesting hobby).
- Expand your social circle. Contacts with people help you switch from negative thoughts to interesting conversation. It’s good if, during a period of emotional decline, you communicate with some new people with whom you do not have common negative memories from the past.
- Change your image. Internal transformation, according to psychologists, occurs much easier if it is accompanied by external transformation. Visit the hairdresser, adjust your wardrobe, join the gym - update your appearance.
- Get rid of bad habits. Oddly enough, this is a common recommendation from psychologists. The fact is that alcohol and nicotine depress the psyche, forcing you to return again and again to unpleasant moments of the past. By giving up these habits, you will cleanse your body and thoughts.
The past is the teacher
Everything that the Universe sends to us should be perceived as a test, a test of strength, and not as punishment. Any situation, especially an unpleasant one, is sent to us for a specific purpose - to learn something. For example, after breaking up with your loved one due to a wrong decision, you learned to appreciate dear people. After spending several years indulging in your bad habits, you realized that time needs to be valued, and you also realized which addictions you need to get rid of.
Of course, you have made mistakes in the past. Perhaps the wrong decisions had fatal consequences. But would you be where you are today if you hadn't made mistakes? Alas, it is the wrong decisions that make us better and wiser.
Change your own life
Many people are interested in how to get rid of the past and live in the present. It sounds very difficult, but the main thing is to change your own life.
So, how to forget the past and live in the present? First of all, you must realize that you want this. Understand that the past is preventing you from living here and now. Now you face the most difficult thing - changing your own thinking. Yes, yes, changing the perception of the world around us is the key to getting rid of the past. We will consider how to do this further, but for now let’s turn to the auxiliary points.
So, how can you learn not to live in the past? First, you need to cleanse and harmonize the space around you. Get rid of old things that may indirectly remind you of negative past experiences. Once you throw away everything that has been cluttering your home, you will feel much better mentally, because your home is a projection of your emotional state.
Try to harmonize the space around you. Rearrange your furniture, buy some accessories, or surround yourself with flowers. You should be as comfortable as possible in your own home.
Do something with your free time. After all, you find it for memories and self-pity. Try to find a more useful use for this watch. For example, take a driving/dancing/embroidery course. Or study any creative skill on your own, because today you can find many instructional videos on the Internet. It is useful to do yoga and master meditation.
You can also completely change your clothing style and hairstyle. Women cut their hair precisely when they feel they need to get rid of accumulated negativity. And it settles on the hair.
Why leave the past in the past?
Mistakes you once made drag you down. It is as if you are walking along the road with your back turned to it. As a result, you see neither the beauty around you nor the final destination ahead. You only see your footprints. Sounds sad, doesn't it?
If you can accept your past mistakes, you will face the future with confidence. Even serious crimes have a statute of limitations, do you really have to torture yourself for life?
Some people relive their past mistakes over and over again, while others find the strength to look forward. Psychologists note that much depends on the inner core of the individual, on the people around him, and even on childhood. However, if you consider yourself a weak and vulnerable person, this does not mean that you are not able to pull yourself together and change your own life. Therefore, it is extremely important to know how to stop living in the past.
Forgiving yourself and your actions will give you inner freedom. A person who is shackled by past grievances and failures cannot develop spiritually. How to stop living in the past? Psychology offers the following methods.
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