How to love your child: family psychology

Human feelings are the most mysterious phenomenon in the world. Their nature is still unknown, the reasons for their appearance and extinction are also unclear. We can only be guided by external factors that to some extent cause certain sensations in a person. In this article we will try to answer an extremely difficult question: how to love a child? Moreover, we immediately note that this will concern not only love for your own baby, but also such moments as the development of feelings for your adopted child and stepchild.

A short introduction

First of all, it is worth paying attention to such a moment as instinct, which prompts us to love this or that creature. Without this property of human nature, further development of stronger and spiritual qualities is impossible. So, what is maternal instinct in women? It is this term that will serve as our answer to all further questions that will be posed bluntly in the article.

Maternal instinct is not something directly related to a child being carried to term and born in pain, to the fact that he looks like you, etc. It is a feeling that is characterized completely differently, and here’s how. This term refers to the norms of behavior of an individual, in which it tries with all its might to protect a weaker individual. It does not matter whether there are family ties between two individuals or whether they are completely absent. The only important thing is that the defending side is larger, older, wiser and stronger, and the defendant, accordingly, loses in all these indicators.

Thank your parents for everything they have given you

This is an important point! Even if what your parents gave you as a child was not convenient or pleasant for you.

Perhaps your parents spent little time with you or were even absent from your life. And today, when you yourself have become a parent, you are especially attentive to your children and try to be with them more often and longer. Take a closer look at these phenomena - they are connected. Perhaps your close bond with your children is due to your lack of parental attention as a child.

The truth is that we don't know anything about it. Therefore, we have a choice in how we interpret our experience. We can tell ourselves the story about our childhood that we want. The question is not whether it will be true or not. The main thing is that it helps.

I convinced myself that I had perfect parents. Ideal does not mean that they created 100% only comfort for me and absolutely always supported me. Sometimes I hated them and got angry at them. Sometimes I dreamed about other parents. But they helped me become myself. I love my father and mother deeply for who they were.

We and the animals

First of all, for clarity of further conclusions, let's look at mammals and their types of behavior. They are the closest to people in biological and mental structure (unlike reptiles or insects, for example), they are simply not endowed with such high intelligence, the gift of speech, they do not know how to discover something new, etc.

However, the set of instincts in humans and animals is approximately the same. Among their many, there is also a maternal one, which, in fact, is one of the key ones in procreation. Its essence was described above, so we move on to consider its existence within a particular biological species.

For animals, there is no such thing as lack of maternal instinct. They a priori take care of their own offspring, putting the interests of the cubs above their own. Moreover, in animals this quality is so highly developed that they are able to care for even other people’s cubs that are orphaned or lost.

In a basic understanding, for a person everything should work exactly the same. But the catch is that we are also endowed with such a concept as a worldview, which is formed mainly on the basis of the environment.

The current world is fundamentally different from the one in which our cave ancestors lived. Nowadays there is a lot of stress, prejudices, expectations, standards, etc., which radically changes not only the worldview, but also the basic set of instincts and the manner of their manifestation. In other words, some social attitudes can damage the nature of maternal love, and a woman will seriously begin to wonder how to love a child, since she sincerely will not be able to do this.

How to properly love your child article on the topic

Lecture for parents Topic: “How to love your child correctly.”

Good afternoon

Dear parents! Today I will not talk to you about the schoolchild’s daily routine, about preparing homework, about programs and requirements.

I suggest you talk... about love. Not just about love, but about

parental love, about its strength, meaning, rationality and sense of proportion. Life and science have proven that all the troubles in children, and then adults, are explained by the mistakes of family upbringing, the main one of which is the lack of love and the inability to praise and encourage their children. The most important thing for a child is to be loved for who he is.

What a blessing it is - Motherhood! Hear the long-awaited first cry, Feel the sacred unity, And remember this moment forever.

Being a parent is a happy but difficult mission that is impossible without problems and contradictions. These difficulties and contradictions are inevitable and objective. They do not depend on the material level, social status, or even on a person’s education. To clarify this far from comforting thought, let's consider the nature of parental love and the uniqueness of the parent's relationship with his child. One of the great teachers said: “Where there is no wisdom of parental education, the love of a mother and father for children disfigures them.” There are many varieties of this ugly love, the main ones being:

- the love of tenderness, - the love of despotic, - the love of ransom.

The love of tenderness corrupts the soul of a child. Mother and father rejoice at his every step, without thinking about what kind of step it is and what it can lead to. A child brought up in the spirit of tenderness does not know that in human society there are the concepts of “possible”, “impossible”, “must”. He does not know his duty to his parents, he does not know how and does not want to work, because he does not see people and does not feel in his heart that those who surround him, and above all his mother, father, grandfather, grandmother, have their own desires, their own needs, your spiritual world. The greatest mistake is made by those parents who are in love with their little children, forgive everything, and never punish. About such it is said: “Cherish the child, and he will frighten you.” (Bible. The Wise Sirach). There is another type of unreasonable parental love.

This is despotic love. Constant reproaches create an environment of real hell. And parents do all this, as they say, only because they love, wish well, teach to live - so that you are smarter and respect your parents. Despotism is one of the reasons that from an early age a child’s idea of the good beginning in a person is distorted, he ceases to believe in man and humanity. In an environment of petty nagging and constant reproaches, the little person becomes embittered. Parental authority should encourage and spiritualize the child’s inner strengths - his desire to be good. Literally everyone has this desire. Take care of it as the most subtle movement of the human soul, do not abuse your power.

The third type of unreasonable parental love is the love of payoff. Parents are convinced that by providing all the material needs of their children, they are fulfilling their parental duty. The child is dressed, shod, fed, healthy - what else do you need? Material costs, they believe, can be used to measure parental love. In such families, the child is surrounded by an atmosphere of spiritual emptiness and squalor. He lives among people and does not know people. Subtle human feelings are completely unfamiliar and inaccessible to his heart, especially affection, sympathy, compassion, and mercy.

What should true parental love be like?

How to ensure that parental love ignites unquenchable sparks of gratitude in children's hearts? Teaching a child to see and understand people is perhaps the most difficult thing in the difficult task of raising a person. Parental love should be such that the child awakens the sensitivity of the heart to the world around him, to everything that a person creates, and, of course, above all, to the person himself. Children are our constant witnesses; somewhere out of the corner of their eye they see breakdowns, failures, no matter how hard we try to hide it. Out of the corner of their ears they hear us talking with friends, neighbors, and just random fellow travelers. A harsh tone, an unkind word from parents towards others will certainly leave a mark on the child’s behavior and attitude and will serve as an example for involuntary imitation, whether we want it or not. Unfortunately, this way of life will be adopted by children.

Our families are tormented by quarrels, squabbles, their seething stream is inexhaustible, We do not forgive our children for the vices that we ourselves instill in them.

S. Sevrus (Russian writer. Real name Borokhov. Quotes and aphorisms"

How can you not love your child in order to send him into life with his shortcomings!

Junior school age is a very special period in the life of not only a child, but also his parents. At this age, the child “comes out into public” for the first time, i.e. ends up in a state institution (school), where he begins to be evaluated for the results of his educational activities. His school achievements become a measure of his value not only at school, but, unfortunately, also in the family. His own mother begins to see not his problems, moods or difficulties, but his school successes, and more often his failures. The mother sees the child as an unsuccessful student and strives to make him more successful. But without a real emotional connection, this noble endeavor cannot lead to success. The mother's lectures and calls only cause mutual disappointment: a state of loneliness and alienation in the child and a feeling of powerlessness and irritation in the mother.

How a child perceives himself depends on our assessments. If we expect a lot from a child, he is confused and depressed because he is afraid of not meeting our expectations. If he expects a lot from himself, he dares and strives to turn his hopes into reality.

When raising a child, we only think about how we influence him and do not at all assume that children also influence us, act much stronger than we think. It is children who make us more beautiful, kinder, more flexible, smarter, more collected, happier. Communication with a child is always a temptation. He is weaker than me, he knows less, he cannot live without me. This means I can command, dictate terms, get angry with him, be indignant if he doesn’t listen. I can do whatever I want with it. A parent who agrees with this has an easy life in the world - he acts in accordance with his ideas. He is confident that he is right. It becomes difficult when you decide for yourself from the very beginning: I won’t give in to temptation, I won’t put pressure, I won’t shout at him. I will not use my power. Having ventured into true love and freedom in relationships with children, you have to rethink a lot.

Praise is the best way to reinforce positive actions and improves the relationship between parents and children. Those who were little praised or not praised at all in childhood do not know how to praise. The praise of the mother, and the father in particular, inspires the child. Give me a good word and I will justify it; tell me a good word and I will multiply it. In praise, the child visibly feels parental love.

The key problems of all difficult children and their parents are surprisingly similar and they are located in the sphere of parental attitudes. Unjustified expectations bring disappointment, anxiety, concern for the child and for oneself. A mother can explain to a child that he needs to be proactive, independent, disciplined, organized, attentive, polite, and caring. Despite the unconditional justice of these good wishes, it is obvious that without a real emotional connection such calls cannot have any positive result. They only cause mutual disappointment.

Where is the way out? And the solution is to focus not only and not so much on your own ideas and expectations, but first of all on your child. Trying to see and perceive him as he is, and not as he should (or could) be. This is difficult because we are used to viewing everything and everyone from our point of view. We think we know how others should act and what qualities these others should have. It is difficult for us to imagine that children may have completely different desires, interests and opportunities than we do. And only love for a child, an emotional connection with him, helps you see and feel your child, his inner world (and not your ideas about him), and therefore understand him and experience the joy of communication. After all, childhood can become the happiest period not only for the child, but also for his parents. Dear parents, there are no ready-made recipes in education, there are only tips and recommendations. And only the sensitive hearts of mother and father will find the right solution. First of all, it is important for a child to be loved and to show this love in affectionate touches, words, and looks.

Along with the enormous responsibility, being a parent is also an extraordinary happiness, the simplest, destined by nature itself, which you must be able not to let pass by. This is the happiness of fatherhood and motherhood, which cannot be replaced by all our wealth and all knowledge, all the charm of the individual and all her creative potential...

Love your children! Love your children right!

Why does the problem exist?

If maternal instinct is a natural thing, inherent in every individual (and regardless of gender), then why do many women still ask everyone around them and themselves about how to love a child? The lack of warm feelings for a weaker creature, who is also the successor of your own family, can be caused by many reasons. And here are some of them:

A woman prefers the role of a careerist, wife or lover, not seeing herself as a mother.
At heart, the fairer sex remains a child herself, so the birth of a baby is always put off until “when I grow up.”
There are serious mental disorders that block the manifestation of certain instincts.
The woman herself was not loved as a child, and was not shown how it was to show love and care for her offspring.
The presence of various kinds of phobias, which, in fact, also equates to mental disorders. Fears are so strong that they simply prevent a woman from fully engaging in maternal responsibilities.
Pregnancy from an unloved man.
Reluctance to have a child.

Regarding the last point, reluctance to have a child may be caused by one of the reasons listed above, or it may have other reasons. But it is important to note that absolutely all of these provisions relate exclusively to the modern world and its structure. And for a woman who lived several thousand years ago, all of them were alien, she did not see any obstacles to the birth of a child, and further love for him.

Thank your parents for giving you life

The more grateful you are for the life you have, the easier it will be to simply thank them for everything they did to give it to you. It often happens that people are dissatisfied with life in general and blame their parents for this.

It is interesting that two people who experienced the same difficult situation in childhood in their relationship with their father and mother subsequently build their lives differently. For one, it can be fabulously successful and happy, while for another it derails everything.

Try mentally sending your parents some love. But not with the goal of forgiving them, not even in order to restore relations with them. This is necessary to give a gift to yourself.

An unwanted gift from fate

It is when, in the presence of one or more of the above reasons, a woman nevertheless becomes pregnant and keeps the baby, the real problems begin. On the one hand, the rules established in society dictate that she love her child and be a good mother. But on the other hand, the same norms previously laid in her the attitudes of a careerist, a “Stepford” wife (but not a mother), coldness towards children, or something else. It turns out to be a vicious circle, and the victim in it is the young mother, and subsequently her baby.

In such a situation, it is difficult to understand how to love your own child if the woman simply did not want him and had other plans for life. However, he has already been born, he is not going anywhere, and something needs to be done so that this little man, who is completely innocent and has just come into this world, grows up healthy, smart, well-mannered and, most importantly, loved. Therefore, we will begin with a description of how dislike manifests itself, and then we will look at the first stages of life that a mother spends with her baby.

How to love a child when he is only annoying

“Yes, as much as possible! You give it to her, you give it to her, you give it to her. And all to no avail! I, as a mother, must provide her with a home, food, and clothing. Must provide education. Must love. Must, must, must! And people are ashamed to look you in the eye. Everything should be like everyone else: kindergarten, school, college. Oh, when is this institute already! Let him go either to Moscow or abroad. If only she didn't piss me off. He does everything wrong! She stained her new dress, tore her expensive tights, and hasn’t been able to remember the poem for two hours. It just pisses me off and annoys me. And I give and give. What for? She studies poorly, so who will grow out of her? Just walk and play with toys. For 8 years, I only learned to demand and slurp at the table. When it’s already college..."

A simple truth: children are born completely normal, but what grows out of them is our merit, the parents’. When you seem to have come to terms with your dislike, you’re just playing a role, serving your sentence, and they “suddenly” start to irritate. At the same time, they do everything:

shout;
do not obey;
they study poorly;
are rude;
require;
refuse to help around the house;
slurp;
blow their nose;
breathing loudly...

It's a scary list. Especially when you realize that you are simply annoyed by this child and everything connected with him. And it doesn’t matter if he’s the only one in the family or if there are “normal” brothers or sisters. Although no, it is important. Contrast always makes the problem stand out more clearly. It’s one thing when a mother comes to terms with the idea that she simply doesn’t love children, and quite another when she doesn’t love only one. And then this wormhole appears in the head: there is something wrong with him, he is doing this on purpose, he is bad.

How to love a child who can only irritate with his own existence? Is this even real? Again, you won't believe it, but YES! I’m not going to read moral lectures, blame my mother, father or circumstances for everything. The main problem is different: ignorance of yourself and others. A person notices only the consequence, the tip of the iceberg. And what is hidden under water, what is the reason - remains a mystery to many.

What does wrong upbringing lead to?

Awareness of the cause of the situation, understanding the essence of the problem eliminates it forever. You don’t need to force yourself for a second and repeat with a mantra: “I love him” or “I can/should love him.” This will only make everything worse, and discontent will spill over onto the same long-suffering child. It's just time to get to know yourself and him. I will repeat what was said above: it’s not a shame to “I don’t know”, it’s a shame to “I don’t want to know.”

It is advisable not to forget until the child reaches adulthood that he develops only when he is given, given, given, and does not demand something in return. They give not in form, but in essence. And love is the basis of such fulfillment. It is impossible to force yourself to experience it, but often it is enough to remove what prevents it from manifesting itself.

Manifestation of dislike

There are no sophisticated tests or psychological terms that describe this situation. Both the mother herself and everyone around her always see when she loves her child and when she doesn’t. How can dislike manifest itself? As a rule, this is signaled by the following factors:

The young mother is constantly in decline. Otherwise, this is called postpartum depression, and we will talk about this in detail below. In general, the situation can be described as a complete withering of personality, unwillingness to do anything, and especially to take care of the baby.
Mom puts her interests above the baby's. For example, he spends money not on him, but on shopping, spends time not with the baby, but at work or with friends.
She is irritated by children's crying, if the child is older, then by whims, requests, behavior. She constantly loses her temper, even if the baby just addresses her.

It is important to note that the loss of maternal feelings can happen to a woman at any stage of her relationship with her baby. That is, she can love him when he is still a baby, but then, when the child grows up and acquires a character, misunderstandings will begin, which will cause rejection. This topic will also be discussed in more detail below.

Understand family balance

For a long time I put my mother on a pedestal. She gave me freedom, self-confidence, and encouraged courage. And at the same time I rejected my father. It was only recently that I realized how balanced everything was. If I only had my mother, I would not have learned to create safe living conditions for myself: save money, not take unnecessary risks. Both parents taught me two extremes, and as a result I know how to find a middle ground.

Think about your mother and father, or the people who replaced them for you, separately. Do you see a balance between them? When you find meaning and balance, you gain great gratitude.

The same exercise can be mentally done for all other members of your family, for all relatives. Find their strengths, think about what you were able to learn thanks to their presence in your life. It will completely change your family's perception.

Postpartum depression

It’s hard to believe, but every tenth woman in the world suffers from such a mental illness. There are those who heroically struggle with oppressive feelings on their own, and through force begin to love their baby. Others walk around gloomily, doing household chores and caring for the baby like a robot. Only a few turn to loved ones for help, and a few turn to specialists. But it is the last option that is the wisest.

Even those women who planned their pregnancy often ask themselves and psychologists how to love their child after childbirth, because feelings don’t always come when you’re expecting them? Depression of this kind can be caused by many factors, and those described above in the section “Why does the problem exist?” are only part of them.

Let us note right away that many couples do not think ahead, imagining their future with a baby as something like a rosy dream. If a girl, being married to a loved one, planned the birth of a baby with him, and suddenly, when he was born, everything went wrong somehow, the following points may be the reason for this:

A woman has absolutely no time for herself, and she understands this on a subconscious level. She is forced to hide her “I” until better times, and completely surrender to the child.
The relationship with my husband changes radically. The child now sleeps in their bed, it serves as a kind of obstacle to the development of their personal life.
A young mother sits at home, and her husband disappears at work. This is causing considerable concern.

How to cope?

It is at this stage that a competent answer from a specialist on how to love your child can become the key to further happy developments throughout the rest of his life. Therefore, it is extremely important to contact a psychologist with this question, and not endure and suffer. Don't be afraid to tell him about your thoughts and feelings, even if they seem sinister to you. After all, you decided to fight them, so go to the end.

The second thing that can help is books on family psychology. Among them we can name the creation of Elena Kovalchuk “Down with postpartum depression. A Guide for Expectant Mothers”, as well as “A Special Relationship” by Douglas Kennedy, “Taking Love” by Jodi Picoult or “A Mother’s Story” by Amanda Prowse. It is possible that you can read these books on family psychology and at the same time discuss them with your specialist, making treatment even more effective.

It is also extremely important that the correct attitude towards such a vulnerable mother be developed on the part of all her household members, and most importantly, her husband. You cannot ignore her condition, you cannot blame her for one or another of her mistakes. Phrases such as “get yourself together, you wimp,” “you’re a woman and a mother, you have to do everything,” “children are our everything,” etc. will have the opposite effect.

A woman who is in a state of postpartum depression wants to hear words that will support her personally, and remind her that they love her too, and not just the baby, that they care about her too. If you continue to pressure and blame her, she will become even more angry, and things could turn out very badly. Household members should relieve her a little, give her time to rest, sit a little with the child, or help with household chores. Gradually, the tension will subside, and the young mother will be able to look at the situation sensibly and fall in love with her baby again.

Child growing up

It happens that a mother endlessly loves a child in infancy. And many people mistakenly believe that this period is the most stressful, since the baby is literally not released from their hands. They believe that later he will learn to walk, talk, become more independent and everything will become easier. But the situation, on the contrary, is becoming more complicated.

The baby not only grows up, but also becomes more inquisitive. He begins to demand more attention to himself, and declaring this in words. Moreover, a character awakens in him, which simply causes bewilderment in his mother. Before this, he was a “babe” whom everyone only admired, but now he is capricious, shows dissatisfaction, overdoes it, etc. Here the question arises, how to love your child if he simply pisses you off and irritates you on every occasion?

First of all, we note that a similar situation can arise not only in the child’s kindergarten age, but also in adolescence. She is identical in both of these cases, and the mother behaves the same in both cases. It just all depends on the type of psyche of the child. Either his character will begin to manifest itself from an early age and he will “set the heat” as soon as he learns to walk, or he will be submissive for a long time, and upon reaching puberty, he will begin to “open up.”

If the child is not like everyone else

A baby who was born with physical or mental disabilities can be annoying. Such a child can even cause disgust and hatred in the mother. Then the question arises, how to love a sick child? In fact, it is quite difficult to do this if a mother’s feelings do not awaken at the sight of her child. It is known that many women, even in the maternity hospital, write a refusal to give up their baby if it is very different from normal children. They don’t want to burden themselves with a disabled child, they are afraid, they don’t know how to care for him, they don’t want to hear their neighbors whispering behind them, the reasons may be different. The problem is that loving a child who, in fact, has disappointed his parents, even though he is not guilty of anything, is very hard work and not every parent is ready for this on a psychological level.

You need to understand that this baby, whatever he may be, is your blood, your continuation. Yes, it won’t be easy for you, but how will it be for him if his mother, the dearest person, does not give her care, tenderness and love.
Imagine how scared he is to live in a world full of cruel people who will offend him in word and sometimes in action. Only you are able to raise a strong baby, despite his physical or mental disabilities, and make him a full member of society.
You are entrusted with a big mission. There is no need to treat a sick toddler as a punishment. This is undoubtedly a serious test. Gather all your will, believe that this little man is alive, thanks to you, and only you can make him happy.

Solving the problem

No matter how trivial and annoying it may sound, it’s worth calming down and stopping. Stop the flow of criticism and dissatisfaction that you emit towards your child, even if he does not express it directly. Stop blaming your baby for his actions, whims, and words. To understand how to love a child, you need to look at the world through his eyes.

If you have a baby in front of you who has just started kindergarten, don’t expect her to strive for order, responsibility, or understand your problems. This child is learning about the world, he is interested in everything, he still does not know what evil, negativity, stress, etc. are. And he should not learn this from you. Therefore, if there are problems in your professional or personal life, correct them, and then your child’s behavior will not seem so annoying to you.

If a teenager has “nerves trembling”, then this is to some extent normal. You just need to wait out the period, plus remember that many of its negative qualities are nothing more than a reflection of your upbringing. Again, understand yourself, pay attention to the positive aspects of your child, praise him more, and you will notice that the situation will soon change, you will again understand how to love a child for who he is.

How to love your children and stop raising them

I really believe that this is absolutely necessary. Stop parenting.

I have a daughter. The first and only one. And when I got it, I had absolutely no idea what to do with it. I read a million books, I asked more experienced friends for advice, I even went to a psychologist. In the books they wrote: “the parent is in charge, the child must obey.” My friends said: “Oh, my whole jacket was ruined in a puddle, I was screaming so much yesterday, I was screaming so much” or this: “Mine got into a fight in the garden, I was screaming so much, I was screaming so much, my voice dropped” or “mine doesn’t listen at all, wow my father I’ll give her up, let her raise her, otherwise my voice has already gone,” etc. The psychologist simply repeated blissfully: “You must love your child.” And I didn’t understand at all HOW to love. That is, here is my baby, lying in the snow, screaming like crazy, I should drive him home, but it’s hard to carry, passersby turn around, I already want to cry too, I don’t know for a second what this girl is screaming, I’m her I fed him, dressed him in dry clothes, and walked as expected. Why is she yelling??? In general, at such moments the advice “to love the baby” was not enough for me.

Now, after years of playing the parenting guessing game and trying to be a better mother, I know what it means to LOVE a child. What was my blessed psychologist talking about then (it’s a pity, God didn’t gift him with the ability to explain).

Having made all possible mistakes as a mother, read a million unnecessary books, and almost died of guilt, I realized some important things that freed me from... the ghosts of parenting. Yes, by the way, I must say that I did like one book. It was written by the famous teacher, fellow father and writer Dima Zitser. When I read it, first the columns and then the book, I nodded to every phrase. Because I suddenly realized that I’m not the only one who thinks so. I'm not the only one who wants to STOP PARENTING. And then we talked a lot, and then I became firm in my thoughts, and now I’m ready to share:

NECESSARY? NO NEED!

When we get a child in our hands, we begin to do with him approximately the same thing that our parents did with us. No, but where can we learn differently??

We remember that we had a “society of clean plates,” and we also stuff cutlets into the child, every last one. After all, if a child doesn’t eat... What happens if he doesn’t eat? We don’t ask ourselves questions; everything is already automatic for us. But if he doesn’t eat, nothing will happen. He'll just be fine. But we remember that we MUST finish eating everything. I remember being pushed to sleep during the day. I didn’t want to at all, but they said I HAD TO. And now I’m shaking down my daughter, who is looking at me with a completely sleepless, clear gaze, and then begins to resist. And I fight it with all my might. Because you HAVE to sleep.

I kept thinking about DO and fought all the time. They told me that I needed to be taken to the garden so that I could learn to communicate. My daughter was crying. They told me: she should cry, let her know that not everything is the way she wants. My daughter was sick in the garden. They told me: great, I need to “build up” immunity.

At some point, I simply slammed my fist on my own table and shouted to myself, ENOUGH! Who needs? Who should? And I began to do what my child and I needed. I have never forced food on my daughter and she has never had any problems with her appetite. I saw how acquaintances and strangers blackmailed people for the sake of porridge, and I was glad that this was not the case with me. I stopped putting her to bed. And my daughter fell asleep perfectly when she was tired, and not when she SHOULD have. She developed her own routine and slept well. I took her from the garden after she cried for a long time in the mornings and evenings, was sick for a long time, for weeks, with a temperature of 40, after she started biting her nails and fighting, after she sadly told me: “Mom, probably , there are kindergarten children, and there are home children, like me.” I took her, we ran home through the snow, ran away from the garden and laughed because we were free. I found a nanny, the child was happy with life, and stopped getting sick. Did this make her have fewer friends or less immunity? There was a lot more of both, and even the neuroses went away.

Then I repeatedly knocked out such MUSTs from myself. For example, you SHOULD do homework with your child. I was nervous, I forced it, we fought, we argued, and then I just stopped. And she began to make them herself with pleasure. With threes and even twos. But herself. And I helped, read aloud at night.

YELLING? SORRY!

The most difficult MUST that I got rid of was MUST stop the scandal. That is, here is a child throwing a tantrum. It MUST stop by all means, because it’s unbearable. Show him that mom is smarter, more important, stronger, and now it’s all screwed up, Grandma will come, dad will whip you, you’ll be left without sweets, I’ll take away your phone for two weeks... Yeah. Blackmail and manipulation.

And I once tried to regret it. And it worked. The fact is that a person in hysterics feels very bad. Physically, mentally. It's just terrible for him. Well, remember, when you are flying around the kitchen on a broom and thirsting for blood, what do you want? To have your salary and fur coat taken away? No, you want someone strong to take you off the broom, hug you and say: “I’m with you, witch, everything will be fine, I love you.” And one day I did the same with my daughter. It was difficult for me. After all, she suddenly turned from my baby doll into a hellish gremlin with bloodshot eyes and fang teeth. But I still came up and hugged him. She screams, throws something at the walls, throws lightning bolts, and I’m so fearless towards her: stomp, stomp, hugged her. And she suddenly went limp, hung on me, pressed herself. And I asked: “How can I help you?” Because she clearly needs help!

Then, when I calmed down, we discussed everything. But now I know that in moments of anger there is no need to fight with children. At the moment of your anger, by the way, too.

I'M ANGRY BECAUSE I AM

And this is another basic rule. I learned to catch myself in those moments when I am angry with my child because of myself. I’m in a bad mood, I don’t have time to do anything, I’m tired, and then “mom-well-mom-well-mom”... And I growl, demanding to immediately clean the room, pick up the towel from the floor, etc. If she were kind, she wouldn’t bother me. So I’m learning to differentiate when I really need to lift the towel, and when I’m just drawn to violence.

AS WITH YOUR FAVORITE PEOPLE

By prohibiting and threatening, we teach to lie. By apologizing, we become closer. By listening with interest rather than making recommendations, we recognize the person's value. By trusting, we teach to be responsible. By laughing at the movies, we show how to enjoy life. By bringing a forgotten shift, we prove that we will support, that there is a rear. By honestly admitting that we are tired, that we are angry, that we made a mistake, we show that it is normal to be alive and not perfect. By admitting that we are afraid, we become more important, not weaker.

I'M AFRAID, BUT I CAN'T BE AFRAID OF A CHILD

And more about fear. I try very hard not to confuse my “scared for her” with her “I want to try.” She climbs a high hill to slide down. I want to ban it because I'm afraid. But it is I who am afraid, and I have no right to deprive her of slides because of my fear. Then she will come home late, and I will be afraid. But I can’t help but let her go somewhere because I’m afraid. I'll just ask you to call me.

WE ARE FREE!

Why am I doing all this? To the fact that we can learn NOT to EDUCATE. Raise, watch them grow, help with everything we can, support, teach, console, be yourself, and not an A parent. Don’t impose some MUSTs that no one actually NEEDS and only spoil relationships with children and only make children’s lives terrible. What about the life of your parents? Even more terrible! Free yourself. Allow yourself to be free from education, free from results. In the end, you decide. Should the baby be fed on a schedule or when he wants and cries? Your breast, your baby, you decide, the school principal will not scold you, it’s none of his business.

This doesn't mean you should quit school, stop brushing your teeth, or stop eating healthy soup. You can just stop being mischievous (I won’t buy it because you haven’t learned a minuet on the violin) and stop preparing your children for a difficult and difficult life (now, now I’ll praise you, and then you’ll go out into the world where no one will praise you, I’d rather I will harden you now, with reproaches and contempt). We can understand that these are our dearest and most beloved people, and simply support them. And then what? The sun is unlikely to come out, but a shell of confidence will grow and bloom around the child, and you will feel that you are FREE! And now you can enjoy the time spent with your children. You don't HAVE to be a great parent. You NEED to be the best parent to your best child. And sometimes, as Dima Zitser says, you can get your feet wet and eat ice cream before lunch.

Negative consequences

To conclude this topic, it is worth saying that your shortcomings while your child is growing up can negatively affect not only his future, but also the future of your grandchildren. The most important quality that an unloved child will inherit in adulthood, in relationships, in interactions with his own offspring is the inability to love.

He will ask the same questions as you, suffer, suffer. All because you simply didn’t show him what it is - love and harmony in the family, care, affection, spiritual comfort. A vicious circle will begin that will be very difficult to break. Therefore, it is best to make a break right now in order to protect your own family from making the same mistake.

Someone else's child

Adoption is a much more serious and responsible step than the birth of your own baby. These are completely different feelings, situations and ways to resolve psychological problems. There is no single guide on how to love an adopted child, since each case is fundamentally different. But there are some tips that will help establish contact between adoptive parents and the orphanage baby:

Love your child “by touch.” This requirement is the most important, since children who find themselves without the care of biological parents need tactile contact more than anyone else.
Prove your love through actions, not words. For example, teach your child to play the guitar if he has been asking for it for a long time, and do not force him to read books forever “for his own good.”
Be proud of your child's achievements. In this way you will raise its importance in your own life.
Remember that children are our everything. And it was with these thoughts that you went to take custody of your baby. If the baby ends up in your family, it means there are reasons for it, and all adversity is only temporary.

Advice from psychologists

If you yourself were not loved as a child, this does not mean that you will not learn. Try to change your usual, stereotyped attitude towards things. The main thing is to want change.

What to do if your child is annoying?

Start with the fact that this is your problem, not the child's. He is who he is.

He has little life experience to change to please people.

Identify within yourself specifically what you don’t like. Think about whether this can be done and, finally, whether it should be done. Do you want to customize it for yourself? Are you sure this will be good for him?

Trust him - listen at least once without interrupting, without lecturing . If heart-to-heart conversations are not practiced in your family, this is already a big omission on your part as a parent.

Look at your child - this is your creation, it is exactly 50% of you and 50% of the person you once loved very much.

He did not ask to be born - you promised to love him, because you gave birth to him. Don't you want to love what was created for you? You may have problems with self-esteem and self-perception.

How to treat obsessive movement syndrome in a child? Find out the answer right now.

How to love a child correctly? Find out from the video:

How to accept him as he is?

You got a little man, absolutely helpless and unviable without an adult nearby. You taught him to walk, eat, talk, read, you gave him the whole world.

Where is the point where you stopped? When you exhaled and said – that’s enough, that’s enough, now you’re on your own. Why did this happen?

Even at twelve he is just a child. He has learned to be arrogant and is doing worse in school than his friend's son. He is awkward, doesn’t want to read books and sits on his tablet for hours. But here’s an amazing thing: there are no children who don’t need anything.

There are no children who do not want to learn - knowledge is the basic need of a child at the physiological level, the key to survival. And he has his head buried in his tablet and doesn’t want to communicate with you, not because he’s such an adult and made a choice, they say, I’m such a person, I don’t need anyone or anything, you all go...

He simply does not know how to otherwise indicate that he is: lonely, they don’t hear him, they are not sincerely interested in him, etc. He is still too young to bear his pain. But you are old enough to understand your child.

Don't give up - work. The main thing is to want to help him and not be afraid to demonstrate your love. All people on earth need it, and a twelve-year-old teenager too.

How to love an adopted baby?

This is a problem of a different kind: you need to prepare for such parenthood .

And when the child is already in the family, you understand that he is yours. Just the way it is. And you must learn to love him in the same way as your own. I love you for being with us.

One simple example . Belarusian actor Pavel Kharlanchuk is raising two adopted children and three relatives. The adopted boy did not fit in with the family for a long time, and one day he said: take me to my grandmother, I don’t want to live with you.

Exhausted by a lack of understanding of the situation, the parents did just that: if you want, go ahead, it will be better for you. And having almost reached my grandmother, my father stopped the car. He saw the child's frightened eyes, the awareness of the inevitable and, in fact, the unwanted.

Pavel said to his son: “Well, what are you... Well, how are we going to give you up? We will not give you to anyone, because you are our son. We love you. We will not give our child to anyone . And he turned the car around. The wall was broken. The boy saw the love that every child on earth needs.

Read about the symptoms and treatment of schizophrenia in children here.

How to love an adopted child? Tips in this video:

Extremely difficult relationships

A much more complex and problematic question is how to love your husband’s child from his first marriage. In this situation, most likely, you will not be the only one on whose side you should make attempts to “make friends.” If the other party, that is, the baby, does not want to accept you, the matter will not be successful.

Children are people too, each of them has their own character, and they can be very categorical. Especially if the situation is so serious and the child had to be left without a mother for one reason or another. All you can do personally is make love for your child the default feeling and put it on pause. When he himself “ripes” and understands that you are also a part of his life, your feelings will be able to be activated. Until this moment, there is no point in showing excessive and imposed care for the baby; he will take it with hostility.

If you personally are not able to have bright feelings for your husband’s child, and at the same time he does not feel negative towards you, ask yourself, why are you with this man? After all, if you choose him, you must accept him with the “baggage” that he already has. Otherwise, what keeps you close may not be love, but something else.

If you still have feelings for a man, try to figure out what exactly irritates you about your baby. Not everything is always so critical; sometimes, you just have to extend your hands to each other, and the situation resolves itself.

Common Consequences of Unlove

It is difficult to fulfill the duties of a mother when you do not receive positive emotions in return. You just give, hoping that everything will change soon, that feelings for the child will appear. But no... How many of these children have already grown up, how many are yet to grow up. But what does life “in form, but without content” turn out to be for a baby:

inability to love;
grievances and childhood traumas;
psychosomatic diseases;
loser syndrome;
hatred of people;
suicide;
penchant for crime;
prostitution;
murder.

I won’t scare you with stories about people who were strangled, burned alive, locked for decades in musty rooms without access to light, and people who never made it. All of them could become individuals who benefit society, adore their parents, and create their own families. But instead they died - physically or mentally. Could their mothers be helped to love them? Yes. At a minimum, do not ignore the diagnosis of “postpartum depression”, and also do not leave yourself to deal with the problem in one case or another.

Note! Postpartum depression is a very serious condition that requires consultation with a qualified specialist. To hesitate and hope for a miracle is fraught with dire consequences.

Summarize

There is no clear answer to the question of how to love a child. Every mother understands within herself that this is necessary, but sometimes she simply doesn’t have the strength, knowledge, patience and desire to do everything right. Therefore, there is one single effective truth that will allow everything to improve in any family, in any situation, in any scenario. What is its essence?

Children are our mirror. Even if they are adopted, even if they are the child of a husband who lives with you under the same roof. If something irritates you about your baby, then most likely this trait is inherent in you.

Children are incredibly sensual creatures, they always understand what is on the minds of adults, they always feel their thoughts and impulses. Therefore, if a child has a negative attitude towards you, he will look for weak points simply on a subconscious level and put pressure on them, and he will succeed. Therefore, be aware of this and do not fall for provocation. After this, the situation will immediately become easier, you will look at it differently, and a new stage in your relationship with your child will begin.

It is also extremely important to remember that if dislike comes primarily from you, then with it you will feed the child’s hatred, and only negative qualities will begin to develop in him in one direction or another. This will destroy his personality, make him either a villain or a loser, and as a result, break your family. Therefore, try with all your might to make your baby happy and loved, surround him with care and affection, and soon he will answer you in kind.

How to love your baby after giving birth

“The only thing associated with him is pain. Pain and complete cancellation of me. Constantly screaming, screaming hits my ears. And so the migraine tormented me, and he also... Snot, drooling, regurgitation, poop. Wants breasts. But I can not! Let him be silent and not touch me!”

It turned out to be a gloomy gray reality. But what to do. Some people live with it every day. Do you understand? They experience this every day. At the same time, outwardly they try to be ideal mothers: the baby is clean, well-fed. It just screams constantly for unknown reasons. What if we add the eternal lack of money, a wandering or absent husband? Will you fall in love?

Paradoxically, yes! When you finally stop feeling like a victim. Make a choice in favor of the future generation, which is a priori more important than the present. You just need to remember this simple fact, you don’t even need to think about anything.

We are still all used to receiving. It can be difficult to give to someone else. Don't expect gratitude - just give. And this is a baby. What can he give? He neither really smiles nor says “mom.” But this is an erroneous misconception... When the mother cancels herself and thinks only about him, and also when she is not twitching and not gushing with negativity from within, the baby also gives back: he becomes calmer, cries less, sleeps better, gives his mother a minute to take care of herself. The mother's condition is read unconsciously by the baby. For a child, the whole world is fixated on his only loved one - his mother. And when there is chaos, anger and aggression in this world? What should he feel...

It's time to understand yourself. Not just to see that there is some kind of emptiness inside, but also to find a way to fill it.

You can understand why noise and the inability to be alone for a minute are so annoying at free online lectures. Try a little and learn something new about yourself. And then the baby will become clear. And instead of someone alien, disgusting, infuriating, he will suddenly turn into such a dear, beloved, most necessary person.