How to fall in love with your husband again: advice from a psychologist

How to love your husband again like before if there are no feelings anymore

Remember your favorite love films that you enjoyed watching in childhood and youth. Yes, the screen characters had to go through difficulties, quarrels and breakups, but in the end they were reunited, love triumphed, everything ended with a wedding, kisses, a limousine, and at the end there was a curtain and credits. We, as in the scripts of these films, did not think to look anywhere far. Our goal was to find the love of our life, get married, have a child.

Few of us imagined the difficulties that we would face in our future family life. It seems that before our eyes we had parental experience with quarrels, scandals, disagreements, but we thought that everything would be different for us. And they were not ready, but it was necessary that marriage is already work on oneself, and work must be done in a team with your husband. And the marriage will not last on love alone in the first years.

But first, you still need to determine whether there really is a cooling of feelings in your marriage.

Why do feelings fade away? How to rekindle faded feelings? Let's look at the reasons why love dies, and whether everything is really hopeless.

Why feelings can cool down

Reason 1

It's all due to hormones! At the beginning of a relationship, we are literally blinded by dopamine, which makes us go crazy with love. However, after a couple of years it is replaced by more restrained oxytocin, and then the process of rethinking values begins in the head. And we suddenly begin to notice that our loved one, it turns out, has a bunch of unbearable qualities!

Reason 2

Say no to routine! If in the previous paragraph you can blame nature, then in this case everything is in your hands and only you can bring it to a state where everything repeats itself day after day.

Reason 3

The birth of a child can both unite a couple even more and create a gap between partners. If a man has all his needs in place, then a woman’s motherhood begins to dominate, and her husband is often relegated to the background.

Reason 4

One of the most important reasons why partners value each other is the ability to give in. Over time, this becomes a habit on both sides, the main thing is to take the first step. As a rule, the party to whom the concession was made feels gratitude and warmth. In families to which the word “compromise” is alien, feelings often fade away after a year or two.

Reason 5

Not all representatives of different social classes, cultures, religions are able to carry the cup of love to the end of their lives without spilling. Most often, besides themselves, the environment decides a lot.

Reason 6

The appearance of connections on the side. It often happens: a wife began to hate her husband because of the realization that he had another. But there are opposite situations when a woman cannot forget her lover, which will certainly affect the climate in the family.

How do you understand that you have stopped loving your husband? 10 signs of faded feelings

Lately, the thought very often creeps into your head whether you love your husband. Even if at some moment it seems to you that that’s it, you’ve stopped loving your husband, you still need to figure it out. Since the outburst of such emotional thoughts can be elementary women's critical days, constant lack of sleep, fatigue at work, workload at home, poor performance of children at school, conflicts with in-laws in which the husband stands up for his parents.

By the way, read this article too:
What to do if your husband cheats and lies, but doesn’t want to leave, says he loves you

Let's sort out your “likes and dislikes” and dot the i’s. And ten sure signs that you have stopped loving your husband will help you with this:

You began to prefer solitude rather than the company of your husband. It's better for you to be alone, in your thoughts.

You began to doubt your husband. In his feelings, in yours. Doubts, like an earthworm, eat away at your relationship and jeopardize the existence of your marriage.
You began to prefer solitude rather than the company of your husband. It's better for you to be alone, in your thoughts. Even when the two of you are at home and you are not busy, you prefer to sit alone in the kitchen or in your room, rather than with your husband, discussing your day and plans for the future.
You are very happy when he stays late after work or goes out to work on a day off. Is it true that when you love a person, you want to spend more time together. So it’s worth sounding an alarm bell when you detect this sign.
Your quarrels drag on, and you do not look for a solution to the problem, preferring not to talk for days. When we love a person, we cannot be offended by him for a long time.
At home you don't try to be beautiful for him. You can walk around in an old robe and be unkempt with it. Of course, home clothes in and of themselves do not mean that you have neglected yourself. The point is that you don’t care what way he looks at you, you no longer need his admiring glances. Although you always look your best when going to work or meeting other people. And you rejoice at the compliments of other men and work colleagues. All of the above means that you are no longer attracted to him.
In controversial situations, you take the side of your friends and your parents. In marriage, people should support each other and be a support. Your behavior indicates that there is a chill in your relationship, and you urgently need to start treating your relationship. Before it’s too late, you can still rekindle extinguished feelings and revive your love.
You don't share your plans for the future with your husband. In the past, when you were considering a job change, for example, you always consulted with your husband. And now you make all such decisions yourself. On the one hand, this is good, you are the decision maker. But you are a family and a team, and you always need to act in a way that benefits both of you, and think about how this will affect the family. Apparently, your relationship has cracked, and it is necessary to rekindle your feelings for your husband again, and we will soon tell you how to do this.
You are no longer jealous of your husband. At some general event, you gladly send him a woman and do everything for them to communicate. And you yourself, without wasting time, flirt with another man. Let this be just a conversation. Of course, this is possible if there is absolute trust between the spouses. But think, maybe behind this lies your complete indifference to your husband. You are unconsciously interested in other men. If behind this lies some kind of hidden resentment towards your husband, then even this bell can be eliminated and your love for your husband can be resurrected.
Everything about him began to irritate you: his speech, his demeanor, the way he dresses, his antics, his facial expressions, everything irritates you. You don’t want intimacy with him as before, his smell is repulsive, and marital duty is perceived by you as hard labor that must be done because it is necessary. Therefore, you come up with excuses in every possible way to avoid it. Even if you discover these signs, do not rush to pack your bags. Perhaps the reason is “an elementary habit” in the words of the heroine of the film “Love and Doves” Lyudmila Gurchenko. And we'll talk about this habit later. What to do to warm up your love for your husband.
Last point. Very important for a woman. You no longer expect a call from him, don’t call yourself. And when he calls, you get irritated and try to end the conversation quickly. You are very happy when he hasn’t called you once all day. Of course, you can refer to your busyness and justify yourself in your own eyes. But think back to the days when you first started dating. How impatiently you waited for his call on Friday to ask you out on a date. You forgot about urgent work and other matters; the moment he called you, the entire outside world ceased to exist, and you indulged in happy chatter with your future chosen one, discussing plans for the weekend. Do you remember these moments now, do you want to return everything? Then read on and we will tell you how to fall in love with your husband again.

Top 10 tips from psychologists

It often happens that a woman simply does not know what happened to her old feelings. It’s as if everything is quiet and peaceful, but there is no more spark in the relationship. For such situations, psychologists have compiled the TOP 10 most effective trainings that return ease to relationships.

Get to know him again

During your married life, you have developed various hobbies (you no longer go for a drive in the evening, don’t go to clubs or stadium concerts). Now his hobby has become the car (football, poker, bike rides, gym), and you prefer knitting and embroidery, growing indoor flowers or going to yoga.

Work on yourself and try to change your position:

Read about his favorite activities to find new topics of conversation;
unobtrusively introduce your husband to what is important to you;
suggest doing something in common (it could be tourism, photography, or general learning a new language) - it is important that it is interesting for both of you.

Such efforts will not be in vain. Shared hobbies will bring you closer and open up new facets in your life partner.

Imagine that he is with someone else

Over time, women begin to compare their husband with other men. Friends' husbands always seem more caring, successful and handsome. But imagine for a moment that he is no longer around, that he is now married to one of your friends and will no longer make you your morning coffee or kiss you before bed.

Another important point ! Look at your man through the eyes of other women. Perhaps you have already mentally begun to be jealous of him. It’s not for nothing that they say that we begin to appreciate only when we lose.

Praise as an incentive

Make a decision to praise your spouse every day, notice his strengths, and constantly tell your husband how much you love him (even if now it seems to you that you don’t). You can thank and note the positive qualities of your husband even for the most insignificant actions:

help around the house;
brought home a salary;
time spent with children;
quickly found a solution to any problem;
how strong and brave he is;
basic attention and care to you.

Over time, simply spoken out loud, meaningless words will reach the head, and then the heart. You will understand that your man has much more advantages than flaws.

Remember! Most men love to be appreciated and praised. And praise will certainly encourage your betrothed to even greater “feats.” Therefore, let's stop criticizing and start admiring!

Why did you fall in love?

Try to remember what exactly your future husband conquered you with. Take a pen with a piece of paper and write down at least 20 qualities that you like (or liked) about him.

Highlight a few of the most important advantages and you will understand that they have not gone away. You just stopped noticing them and take everything for granted.

Look at yourself through his eyes

Imagine yourself in your spouse's place. Of course, you both have changed since you met, but he still loves you with all your flaws? So why don't you try to change your attitude towards your husband?

Perhaps you also have a lot of sins that urgently need to be corrected:

Change your behavior, become lighter, flirtatious, gentle, smile more.
Don’t wear shapeless, faded clothes, use perfume and cosmetics more often, buy a new set of sexy lingerie.
Assess the number of problems he solves every day, all the actions he does on his own. Don't be indifferent to this.
Stop complaining about life, low salary or bad weather. You can solve problems together.
Try, at least for a short time, to become an interlocutor with your husband who can cheer you up and distract you from problems.

After some time, you will be convinced that all your efforts, as if in a mirror, will be reflected on your spouse, and your feelings will resume with renewed vigor.

Don't accumulate grievances

To love your husband again, you need to reconsider your attitude towards him. You need to learn not to notice minor flaws, let go of old grievances and get into the habit of openly talking about everything with your chosen one. At the same time, you should express your emotions calmly, without shouting or reproach.

If you silently harbor irritation and dissatisfaction, this will only lead to separation and the final breakdown of the relationship.

Important!
When you don't like something, it's better to tell your husband about it gently. Perhaps he himself did not notice any shortcomings, but after talking with you, he will gladly listen to all the advice.

Heart to heart conversations

Let your spouse be your friend for just a day. Not an assistant in solving problems, not a life partner, but a person with whom you can talk about everything and share some little secrets.

Have an evening of memories during which:

start a conversation about your childhood, elementary school, about your first friends and fans (at the same time, do not forget to listen to your spouse’s memories);
look at old photos, laugh at fancy hairstyles and fashion;
download a long-forgotten favorite movie, find common moments that both like.

In such warm, sincere conversations, people always find a lot in common. And at the end of the evening you will realize that you have become much closer and dearer.

Do something you've never done before

Do something extreme, extraordinary together, something that will take both of you out of your comfort zone. This could be hot air ballooning, visiting an quest room, go-karting, diving, surfing or parachute jumping.

An emotional shake-up and a common cause will bring you closer and awaken dormant feelings.

Remember your youth

Do you remember the carelessness of first dates or the first months of marriage? How did you meet? Where did you walk? How did you feel towards each other in those moments?

Remind yourself and your husband how good you were together:

Invite your life partner on a romantic date where it will be just the two of you. At the same time, do not talk about work, raising children or going to the country. Try to relax and just fool around.
Hint to your spouse about your desire to arrange dates as often as possible.
On weekdays, don’t forget about little pleasures: prepare pancakes (omelet) in the shape of a heart, wake up your husband with a kiss, write meaningless love messages more often.
Sign it with a cute funny nickname in your phone.

Soon your man will also join this game. And it wouldn’t be bad if in the future such behavior became a habit or a unique lifestyle for you.

Unexpected text messages to your loved one will also help shake up your relationship.

Play strangers

Play this game:

Arrange by phone to meet in a place unfamiliar to both of you. Hint to him that this will be a date.
Do an unusual hairstyle and choose an unusual outfit.
When you meet, offer to get to know each other. There is no need to come up with fictitious names or facts. It’s enough to embellish everything a little (for example, if your name is Lena, call yourself Helen).

The point of such a game is to get to know each other again, to emphasize some little things that have long been forgotten:

recall the name of your favorite flowers;
tell without hesitation what you like in bed;
ask your husband his favorite dish or movie;
find out what turns him on.

This date will give your marriage a new starting point that you did not specifically agree on.

I advise you to watch a video from practical psychologist Nadezhda Mayer about how to surprise a man. She will give you step-by-step instructions describing actions that will help surprise your spouse and add a touch of intrigue to your relationship.

Reasons for the disappearance of love. 15 main factors

And so, dear readers, we found out with you what the signs are that you have stopped loving your husband. Now let's figure out why love leaves in marriage.

One of the reasons is constant scandals in the house

One of the reasons may be the presence of constant quarrels and scandals in the house.
When people get married because the girl is pregnant, and not because of mutual consent.
This marriage was too early, when both were absolutely not ripe for adult family life, and now an epiphany has come.
Often girls marry “just a good man”, fearing never to meet the love of their life again. At first, the marriage is still supported by these thoughts, and then it begins to collapse like a castle in the air.
The change in the husband's appearance is not for the better. He gained weight, went bald, and stopped taking care of himself.
My husband's addiction to alcoholic beverages. When my husband often comes home from work drunk, he gets together with friends. And these are no longer one-time cases, but permanent ones.
The husband became interested in roulette and is losing the entire family budget.
Solving family issues with fists on the part of the husband. Perhaps more often he lets his hands go under the influence of alcoholic intoxication.
Poor relationships with your husband’s mother, father, sister or brother and other relatives.
When my husband doesn't come home to spend the night.
Absolutely opposing interests.
When intimate life has practically disappeared
When the wife fell in love with another man.
When the husband cheated on his wife, and she cannot cope with the pain and resentment caused by her husband’s betrayal. Read more about this situation in our article: What to do if your husband cheats and lies, but doesn’t want to leave, says he loves you.
When the wife wants to have children, but the husband does not.

If the obstacle is love for another person

This case is more serious and requires additional analysis. If a woman is in a secret relationship with another man, then this is a fact of betrayal, which entails aggravating consequences. The wife must understand herself and decide with whom she will continue her future life. Choosing in favor of another entails an unpleasant conversation with your husband, official registration of divorce, and so on. The decision to break off a relationship with her lover in order to save her own marriage will lead a woman to another choice - to admit to cheating or to hide this fact.

READ I fell out of love with my husband: get a divorce or save the marriage

If a girl experiences feelings for a stranger, but no one knows about it, then the situation has a lower probability of breaking off relations with her husband. Here she needs to decide whether to divorce her husband and build a new life with her lover or save her own marriage.

How to get your wife's love back

If the wife’s feelings towards her husband have cooled down due to his addiction to alcohol, gambling, or because he began to often raise his hand against his wife and children, while shouting insults. Then, perhaps, in this situation, divorce is one of the forced decisions.

Often women maintain such relationships for the sake of children. But let's face it, is raising children in such unfavorable conditions the best solution for them? Of course, divorce is not easy for a child’s vulnerable psyche, but on the other hand, growing up in a family where dad and mom are not happy, where the father often drinks and beats the mother in front of them, is an even worse way out of this situation.

Therefore, there is no need to be afraid of female loneliness or the inability to cope alone with children without a husband. In such a marriage, you will drown in deep depression, you will be tormented by guilt, your life will be ruined. All this together will affect the psyche of your children.

If the reason for the loss of love for your husband was his betrayal, and you do not know what to do in this case, I advise you to read our article: What to do if your husband cheats and lies, but does not want to leave, says that he loves.

But it should be noted that there are a larger number of families where the husband became addicted to the bottle, began to play on the side or raise his hand to his wife, but at the same time they dealt with this problem together, reset their relationship and started all over again.

If the reason for the cooling of feelings for her husband was his external changes not for the better, then the wife can casually hint to her husband to take up sports. Or you can take the initiative yourself:

Biking together strengthens relationships

Buy a membership to the gym, fitness center, or swimming pool.
If your husband categorically does not want to exercise in public, you can offer him walking together around the area, in the nearest park, around ponds. You can buy Scandinavian poles and walk together. This is very useful not only for the figure, but also for cardiac activity and the general condition of the body.
Offer him bike rides together or with the whole family, and in winter skiing, cheesecake riding down the hill.

Also, if you are concerned about your husband's extra pounds, reconsider what you cook for your husband and switch to a low-calorie diet. But the main rule, remember, you need to burn more calories than you absorb. Therefore, diet plus exercise will give positive results. Also convince your husband that excess weight is harmful to health and that the heart muscle suffers. And if he doesn’t think about himself, let him think about his wife and children. But never forget that appearance changes over the years, this is natural, and the main thing you need to remember is that you fell in love first of all with the spiritual qualities of your husband.

When the reason for the cooling of a wife’s feelings lies in her infatuation with another man, then returning her former feelings to her husband is not such an easy task. If a woman understands that a relationship on the side is love and uncontrollable passion, but she does not plan anything serious with another man, she needs to pull herself together and leave him, return to her husband. In many cases, a woman cannot cope with her feelings and the alienation from her husband only intensifies.

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The reason for the feelings

Look into the memories, what melted your heart? How did your lover get your attention? Write down on a piece of paper the qualities that attract you or have attracted you in the past. Afterwards, emphasize those advantages that in your opinion are the most important, and notice that they are still present in him. Due to the large amount of time spent together, you stopped paying attention to them, as you began to take these qualities for granted and got used to them.

Why do feelings and emotions become dull? How to love your husband again? Why did you lose feelings for your husband?

What is love briefly and clearly in your own words? How do we feel love?

Love is a feeling of incredible attraction to a person, which is based on the desire to always be close to your loved one, see him and share mutual emotions with him. The key word is emotions. It is through emotions, through the emotional state that we feel the manifestation of love and understand that we are in love with a person.

It is these emotional experiences, such as, for example, “I’m afraid of losing him,” “I look at him and feel delight,” that make us understand that we have fallen head over heels in love with this person. And on his part we also see an emotional manifestation of love, when he worries whether he has offended with his words, his concern makes us understand that the love is mutual. But we must understand that emotion is not the feeling itself, it is a reaction, such an emotional outburst from something that we did not expect at all

But, unfortunately, our brain is addictive. The longer we are with a person, the more often we can predict in advance all his further actions. We know what he will say, what he will do, what kind of night of love it will be, how he will kiss you. And since we can predict all this, then no new emotions arise in us about this person, and the old ones are dulled.

Imagine the situation, you are scrolling through your feed on a social network, and a very funny GIF catches your eye, you are indescribably delighted, you get a sea of positive emotions. The next day you go to the page again and the first thing you see is again this top, very funny GIF, but from a different group. You smile sweetly. The GIF is really funny and gives you a positive feeling from it. Then you see that your friend added this GIF to himself. You are watching this video again. It's still funny. But when you see this picture for the third, fourth, fifth time, not only is it not funny, you already say: enough, I’ve already seen this gif, it’s clear what will be there and it’s not at all interesting.

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So it is with the rest of our emotions.

What a person used to do for us, and we were in seventh heaven, now we take it for granted.

For example, when you were still dating, you decided to cook dinner together, he brought food. And you think: what a great guy he is, he takes care of me, wants to feed me, how nice it is. You have been married for a year, you are used to him always buying and bringing food himself, but he will try not to bring it, you get angry, how can this be, he has always done this.

What a person used to do for us, and we were in seventh heaven, now we take it for granted, as something ordinary and self-evident.

There is no love without emotions

This is precisely why feelings and emotions become dulled. We know each other like crazy, we don’t give each other any emotions, we don’t give, we don’t accept from another person. And love is fueled solely by emotions.

Emotions are the fuel for feelings, without them love is just a formality, just a word, only on emotions does love live and develop, and thereby a marriage grows stronger and relationships strengthen.

Perhaps this is why couples often completely unconsciously arrange quarrels and scandals for each other in order to incite these very emotions and get a more violent reconciliation and return passion to the relationship.

But I wouldn’t want to resort to such aggressive ways to rekindle extinguished feelings. Making scandals on purpose is not the best way to create an emotional outburst in a relationship.

The idea that he is with someone else

Over time, girls begin to compare their man with others. The husbands of other girls always seem to be the most successful, affectionate, caring, and so on. Now imagine that your husband is no longer with you. And he married your friend, to whom he now compliments, kisses her, cares for her.

Important. Try to look at your husband through the eyes of other girls. It may be that you are jealous of him. Usually we begin to value something when we are afraid of losing it.

Heart to heart communication

Allow your husband to take on the role of friend at least sometimes. Not a spouse who solves all your problems, but a loved one. With whom you can talk about everything in the world and trust all your secrets and dreams.

Organize an evening of memories, which should contain:

Talk about childhood, school years, first friends. During a conversation, not only talk, but also listen;
If possible, look at previously taken photographs, laugh at the past and be touched by it;
Re-watch movies that you both really like.

During a soulful time, people become closer. At the end of the evening, you yourself will be very pleased with how you spent it. You will feel that you have become dearer and closer to each other.

Prioritize your relationships

In long-term relationships, people lose the excitement and novelty, but gain comfort and confidence in return. It is important to focus not on losses, but on gains; this will help you take a fresh look at your priorities in relationships.

Your connection with your partner is affected by everyday activities and major life events: career, caring for children or aging parents. All this can shift the focus of attention and distance you from each other. To prevent this, conscious efforts are needed.

Strengthening your intimacy should be one of your life priorities. Intentionally create moments where you can be alone. Regularly set aside time for communication - this could be a simple exchange of news at the table or a full-fledged date.

Talk about your needs so as not to accumulate resentment and irritation.

Understand how you really feel

Find out what exactly you would like to change in your relationship: is it the physical aspect, the emotional aspect, or both?

Often, behind dissatisfaction with some specific everyday moment in a relationship, some more serious grievance is hidden. Minor disappointments, refusals, misunderstandings add up to the feeling that you no longer love your partner as much as before. Being in love is a feeling of complete togetherness, so try to work through your differences to become closer.

Read on topic: How to understand that you have stopped loving your partner if everything is fine in the relationship