Why do girls who are disliked by their parents choose the wrong men?

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Almost all psychological problems originate from childhood. The unloved child syndrome provokes problems in communication, self-doubt, the development of an inferiority complex and many other problems. Coldness on the part of parents is the main reason that makes a person unhappy.

Lack of parental love in childhood leads to complications in adulthood

She reaches out to familiar situations

All people gravitate toward situations and relationships that replicate their past experiences. Research shows that we are more likely to form bonds with people who resemble our parents. This process is unconscious and difficult to control.

It's good if you have loving parents who made it clear that the world is safe and people can be trusted - you will probably look for a partner who will give you the same feelings. Unfortunately, an unloved daughter will also be drawn to traumatic and uncomfortable situations.

Children deprived of parental love

Psychologists have proven that the experience that a child receives in relationships with his parents is the foundation for his entire subsequent life.

What happens when a child does not experience joyful moments? If he remains deprived of parental love. Then problems and complexes appear in adult life that do not allow him to be happy and fully realize himself. The following qualities are manifested:

• hostility;
• superobedience;
• self-pity, causing sympathy from others;
• idealization of oneself;
• alienation;
• depression;
• poor emotional sphere;
• fear of failure, and others.

Receptive to nice gestures

Mass culture imposes the image of love as a storm of emotions and passions that knock you off your feet. For someone who did not receive enough parental attention as a child, beautiful gestures and gifts can easily confuse them. A guy who is reserved and thoughtful and slow to act will come across as boring or unsexy, although this may not necessarily be true. For those who are not spoiled by love, it is difficult to distinguish the external picture from the essence and understand the true intentions of the partner.

There are no ugly women - there are unloved daughters

Published: December 19, 2013 4853

What is the reason why some women walk through life at the pace of a beauty, with their heads held high, not doubting their attractiveness for a minute, while others, no matter how hard they try to become beautiful, are still not happy with their appearance?

We often hear the phrase: “Accept yourself! Embrace your uniqueness!” But again, some women do this easily, while others feel irritated by such a phrase, saying that if they knew HOW to accept themselves, they would have done it long ago.

The answer to this question lies in our childhood. After all, it is there that we first hear the most important phrases for ourselves: “A hero is born!”, they say to the boy. “A beauty is born!” is said when a girl is born. So what happens to this beauty next? And then the “beauty” meets the first and most important connoisseur of her beauty - her dad. And it is dad, his admiring look, that gives the girl confirmation for the rest of her life that she is beautiful! Previously, according to tradition, dad gave earrings to a newborn girl as a sign of admiration for her beauty. If dad admired a girl, called her a beauty, a princess, gave her a smile, then, having matured, such a woman goes out into life with a built-in inner conviction that she is beautiful. If she dressed up and did her hair, she knows that she is incomparably beautiful. If she is simply dressed, without makeup, she still knows that she is beautiful. Moreover: everyone around knows that she is beautiful, because they see, read this inner conviction of hers. “Daddy’s girls”, such women are immediately visible: they are calm, confident in their beauty, relaxed, soft, they know that they do not need to prove anything to anyone. They won’t even ask the question: “Does this man like me?” “Of course I like you! I’m beautiful!” they think. And the men around only confirm their beliefs.

But what happens to the other part of women? With those who, for one reason or another, were unable to see admiration in their father’s eyes? They are divided into two categories: one of which, alas, really consider themselves not beautiful. They often feel awkward when men compliment them. They seem to be running away from recognition of their beauty. “Don’t be born beautiful,” they came up with this phrase. Ashamed of beauty, they begin to contrast it with other virtues in life: “Either smart or beautiful,” “Beauty will fade, but happiness will not deceive.” They often live by masculine goals, achieve great results, but if you look at them carefully, you can see in them a childhood dream: “I will receive a medal, I will be called on stage, dad will look at me, I will be dressed up and then…. He’ll see how beautiful I am!”

The second category, girls who did not receive enough of their father’s admiration, on the contrary, become very beautiful. They invest a lot of money in their appearance and make great efforts to look great. We often see such women in the ranks of models, on the table of plastic surgeons, they are holders of regular client cards of a cosmetologist and nutritionist. They are driven by the desire to bring themselves to perfection. And indeed, many consider them perfection, but... alas, they do not consider themselves as such. Intellectually they understand that they are beautiful, but they do not have an inner feeling of beauty. They strive to seduce more and more men, as if looking for confirmation from the outside that they are beautiful. But their sense of their own beauty is fleeting, like sand running through their fingers. Again and again, you need a new man to see the reflection of your own attractiveness in his eyes. It’s as if they are saying: “Dad, notice me, tell me, am I beautiful?” But again and again they devalue compliments and recognition from men, as if they do not consider them truly authoritative.

How good it is if in childhood we were lucky enough to receive daddy’s admiration for our beauty. What if this is not the case? What should women do who fail? It's never too late to do this. Father's love is a great miracle! The Universe always has hands with which to convey it. It is not often that we use psychotherapeutic work on issues such as beauty. Nevertheless, simple, effective and safe practices will allow you to be filled with your father’s admiration, gain confidence in your beauty, and integrate this state into yourself, because once you were already born a beauty!

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She mistakes drama for passion

This important observation is made in Craig Malkin's book Rethinking Narcissism. I think many of us have experienced similar emotions:

Romantic suspense often excites us.

Girls who are not spoiled by affection learn from childhood that love must be earned, one must fight for it, suffer, and it is never given for nothing. They accept negative feelings like anger, pain and fear as an integral part of the relationship and continue to feed on this unhealthy psychological arousal in the future. Being on such a roller coaster may seem exciting, but that is not how love or commitment should be measured.

What does it lead to?

Lack of love affects self-esteem. The child perceives himself only through the prism of his parents’ vision. As children grow older, when children already have the ability to think logically, the behavior of parents contributes to the appearance in the brain of statements that sound like this: “if my own parents don’t love me, no one else will ever love me.” Over time, this stereotype becomes stronger in the subconscious and makes you feel inferior and avoid communicating with children. Not receiving signals from the world that someone needs him, the individual begins to subconsciously strive for death.

An individual, instead of concentrating on the colors of life, tries with all his might to overcome the fears, worries and complexes that have settled in his soul. Such a person spends his whole life trying to prove to the world, including himself, his importance, without believing in it one bit.

Often, having received less affection, children try to attract the attention of adults with unfavorable actions. Naturally, such actions come with punishment, and then regret from the parents, the manifestation of which the child observes in affection. Punishment after affection provokes a feeling of pleasure from negativity in the child’s brain centers, so he develops a certain line of behavior. Sometimes this behavior leads to drug or alcohol addiction; the child is accustomed to being shamed for an unseemly act, and then they will regret and take care of him, making sure that he does not do it again. In addition to psychological conflicts, physical ones also arise.

With a lack of tactile touch, the child begins to perceive his body negatively. In adolescence, this begins to manifest itself through phobias such as the fear of mirrors and cameras.

Sometimes a child stops completely caring about the state of his body, thinking that everyone is disgusted by it anyway. Disliked teenagers who place high demands on themselves believe that their body is a complete accumulation of flaws, so they urgently need to correct the shape of their nose, eyebrows, and change the color and length of their hair. We can see many such examples among the stars of world show business. Self-doubt and the pursuit of the standard of beauty contribute to the appearance on the stage of more and more stars who look like Barbie and Ken dolls.

Doesn't notice how they really treat her

If a girl grew up in a family where verbal abuse was the norm and approval had to be constantly earned, she may not even be aware of her partner's bad attitude. This seems counterintuitive, and a person who has experienced negative situations should avoid them in the future. But those who lack love lose their own desires and needs.

We all try to normalize our experiences and think that by severing past ties, we are getting rid of their influence. However, overcoming childhood trauma is much more difficult than it seems, and unloved girls are vulnerable to manipulators.

Unloved child syndrome

A person's personality begins to form from infancy. The baby copies the behavior of the elders, adopts their habits, behavior, and lifestyle. Until separation from mom and dad takes place, they remain the main authority and role model for the baby.

If parents do not pay enough attention to their children, criticize them, use physical punishment and do not show their love enough, this affects the personality in adulthood. What a lack of attention leads to and what distinguishes disliked “children” who are already adults can be determined by a number of characteristic features.

Blames himself for everything

Even as a child, the girl learned that the reason for all failures was flaws in her character. Unhealthy self-criticism has led to the fact that she is now inclined to blame herself and does not see her partner’s share of responsibility for what is happening. If the guy responds to her remark with aggression, she will decide that she chose the wrong time to talk, although in fact some scoundrel simply does not want to admit his mistakes.

Often it is self-criticism that prevents you from seeing that a toxic person is with you and breaking off an unhealthy relationship.

How it manifests itself

A disliked child, having matured, will see himself as an inferior person, so the behavior of notorious people is immediately noticeable. Below we will look at 7 signs that indicate in adults children who were disliked in childhood.

1. Lack of trust. Dislike leaves a heavy aftertaste, therefore, becoming an adult, such a person will never trust the people around him, even his other half and children. From childhood, an individual was instilled with the understanding that one can only count on oneself.
2. Moral poverty. The consequences of dislike in an adult manifest themselves in the form of moral poverty. Everything a person is interested in is material values ​​and benefits. It is difficult for such people to find a common language with other people, especially if the topic is not related to work and financial transactions.
3. Diffidence. One of the signs of unloved children is low self-esteem. This is a complex of a man or a woman, which can lead to a whole series of nervous disorders. This is an inability to communicate, an incorrect perception of oneself as a full-fledged person. Trying to earn love and attention, as in childhood, and suffering failures, a person withdraws into himself. He develops a fear of not meeting the expectations of others, a syndrome of overprotection. The manifestation may not be demonstrated in any way, but internal torment will always be with the individual, keeping his nerves in constant tension.
4. Relationships with others like you. It is characteristic of the human essence to be drawn to those who are close to it in spirit. A man who was disliked in childhood, just like a woman, will look for a soul mate similar in character to him. Relationships between people are based on partial mutual understanding, but we are not talking about the feeling of love that brings euphoria from a relationship. In such couples, the same unloved children are born, because the parents have no idea about another line of behavior that was not imposed on them from childhood.
5. Unreliability. Such a complex in a man very often characterizes his personality not from the best side. He is unreliable, which does not make him an ideal match for a woman and alienates him from people. Such men rarely pay attention to the needs of those around them, do not fulfill their promises and can leave their other half pregnant, which can also lead to the birth of another unloved child if the mother fails to give the baby the necessary amount of care in time.
6. Depression. Women who were unloved in childhood often suffer from serious depressive disorders. Chronic lack of serotonin and dopamine provokes the appearance of this condition. Psychologists will not help correct the situation until a course of replacement therapy is carried out. This manifestation can also occur in men, but much less frequently.
7. Hypersensitivity. Increased sensitivity is a characteristic feature of many people with nervous disorders. With age, unloved children begin to position their inner experiences in complete absolute terms. Everything that happens is a nervous shock for them. Living in constant stress leads to the emergence of new mental and somatic disorders.

A disliked person shows distrust of everyone around him

Doesn't trust his own perceptions

Girls who are told from childhood that they are too sensitive, do not understand everything correctly, or should not react this way, stop trusting their thoughts and feelings. Neglectful parents teach their child that their emotions don't matter, whether they say so directly or show it through their behavior.

As a result, girls grow up vulnerable and susceptible to gaslighting, unable to understand their own feelings.

Impact on the situation

In a woman or man, the syndrome of the unloved is not an incurable disease, although it requires psychocorrection. Unloved children of a conscious age must realize the depth of mental trauma and take reality for granted. Your happiness is in your hands, try to remember at least one happy moment in life, your feelings and transfer this to your family.

One of the problems is the influence of upbringing and environment. In many religious and social movements, people are blackmailed through family, hinting to a person that he is inferior if he does not have a soul mate and children at a certain age. You should decide in private the purpose of having a child:

• unplanned pregnancy, but it was a pity to have an abortion;
• to continue the family line;
• so that the family is complete;
• because they wanted something more from the relationship;
• to keep your soulmate;
• to recover from an illness (for women);
• realized that they were ready to raise children.

Think about what you want for your child and from him. Try to understand your requirements, what you and he need. Listen to your child. Children's whims, disobedience, aggression - all these may be the first symptoms of lack of attention on your part.

On the other hand, any syndrome and complex are the result of an incorrect perception of oneself and the behavior of others. If all the media now start broadcasting: “Our children are unloved!”, then all the children will fall into a wild panic that no one needs them.

It is important to understand how to explain to a child: what you give to him is your care, guardianship and greatest love. Not a single psychologist can tell you how to behave correctly with your child. To express feelings, you cannot create a certain algorithm, kisses, or heart-to-heart conversations.

Do not forget that overprotection will also not become a plus in the child’s future life, so you should know when to stop everything. Harmony in relationships and mutual understanding are the key to well-being for your child. You should treat him as an equal, and not constantly think that he will not be able to comprehend the information that you are going to convey to him.

Ways to work on yourself

When working on codependency, the focus is on developing self-care skills. In most cases, to overcome the qualities discussed above, long-term work with a competent psychologist is necessary. But you can do something yourself. Let's look at some steps to help unloved daughters overcome codependency.

1. Developing the ability to detach. Since one of the pathological mechanisms for the formation of codependent relationships is too strong an emotional attachment, it will be useful for a woman to internally distance herself from relationships that bring her discomfort. And this does not mean coldness towards your husband, child or girlfriend. To detach means to “let go” of the reins, to psychologically distance oneself from the person to whom one is attached. This step is based on the idea that everyone is able to take care of themselves. We cannot be responsible for the actions of others, and our worries will not help another person in any way. And if through his actions another person creates additional difficulties for himself, we do not rush, like Chip and Dale, to his aid. On the contrary, he must be allowed to face the results of his actions.
2. Learn healthy indifference. Unloved daughters are people of emotional reactions. Therefore, another useful psychological attitude for them is this: you need to treat the situation more simply. Circumstances should not completely take over our minds. There is no need for rash actions, impulsive statements, which you will later bitterly regret. After all, by reacting to circumstances in this way, we transfer the right to manage our lives into the hands of another person.
3. Increase self-esteem. There are two options here. First, you can increase your self-confidence through real achievements. And such self-esteem will be formed at the level of consciousness. It does not penetrate into the unconscious. To raise self-esteem at a deep level, it is necessary to experience repressed negative emotions, to live through the pain that has been accumulated over the years. The second option is to work with a psychologist and work through the self-attitude inherent in the deep layers of the unconscious. However, it is necessary to understand that this work involves regression to unprocessed childhood experiences; it can deprive life balance for some time. In addition, this path is shown to those who have achieved something in the professional field. Personal achievements are a good basis on which to begin in-depth work on yourself. If they are not there, psychologists recommend looking for external resources, trying to pull yourself out of emotional stagnation “by the hair,” like Baron Munchausen.
4. Let go of control. Many unloved daughters in adult relationships use this tool. They nag their husbands, threaten divorce with division of property, grab their heads and hearts, losing consciousness, beg and force. But they don’t think about the fact that their methods never work. A codependent woman needs to realize the illusory nature of controlling behavior. A person will still do what he sees fit; he will change when he himself desires it; and he will feel what he wants. The reality is that you can only control yourself.
5. Building personal goals. A goal helps to find meaning in life beyond emotional attachment, and working towards its achievement raises self-esteem. An unloved daughter often lives someone else's life - a child, a worthless husband, a dependent friend. She does not feel like a complete person, but a kind of “appendage” to the one she cares about. However, even small personal goals help you experience life more fully.

I recommend reading: How to improve the relationship between mother and daughter.

Bye everyone. Best regards, Vyacheslav.

Being disliked in childhood prevents you from building relationships

Maybe someone has encountered a similar problem and can suggest a solution. As a child, my parents often argued, sometimes they fought and I got it. I lived in constant fear and reproaches, I did not feel their love. Of course, they loved me, but they never said it, didn’t hug me, didn’t praise me... I was always the worst... Stupidest... As a result, I grew up with low self-esteem and didn’t communicate with men at all for a long time! Now I look very good, oddly enough, well-mannered, well-read, and even in my soul there is kindness and tenderness.. But relationships with men still do not work out.. It always seems to me that I am unworthy, not beautiful enough, not well enough in life. etc.. And I don’t know how to open up to men at all.. I constantly feel like there’s a catch and that they just want to have fun with me and then leave me.. After all, I’ve never heard a word of love.. Or it seems to me that a man wants to be with me because that it can’t be with someone better.. I understand that it’s all in my head, but I can’t help myself.. I’m afraid to have sex because I seem imperfect to myself.. I work on myself, but still I still find flaws from the series — my breasts don’t stick out so much, my butt isn’t so round, etc.. I’m trying to accept myself, but so far it’s not working out well.. I avoid men, I’m shy.. Has anyone had similar problems? How were they solved?