How to build a relationship if one of you (or both) has a mental disorder

How does pathology manifest itself?

Unfortunately, women do not immediately understand that their husband is a psychopath. At first, the relationship is close to ideal. A man tries in every way to tie a woman to himself. He shows attention in life and on social networks, constantly gives flowers and gifts, and shows with all his appearance that he is in love. In addition, you constantly hear declarations of love, assurances of your exclusivity. You are pleased to be with this man because he can present himself and is always charming and charismatic.

Some time passes, and the woman realizes that her whole life revolves around a man. She tries to spend as much time as possible with her husband, to please him and thinks about him all the time. And at that moment everything changes. Now the psychopathic husband makes the woman jealous and doubt herself. Many women appear in his circle, although he does not give direct reasons. A woman loses confidence and tries to match her man. Previously, she was put on a pedestal, but now a woman is made to understand that she is not good enough.

A psychopathic man will never talk about your shortcomings, but he will turn the conversation in such a way that you yourself begin to doubt yourself. Over time, you will have to beg for sex, because you need it more than he does.

Psychopathic men do not feel pity or sympathy for anyone. This manifests itself even in childhood, when they torture domestic animals and offend little ones.

Such a man is never to blame for anything, but a woman is not forgiven for even the slightest mistake. He expects you to anticipate all his wishes and constantly apologize.

As a result, the woman loses herself and begins to live only for the man.

Psychopathy: signs in men

Psychopathy has differences that prevent it from being confused with mental illness. This is more of an antisocial personality disorder , which creates significant obstacles to adaptation in society. These characteristic anomalies, which are congenital, are completely fixed in adolescence; subsequently, it is almost impossible to make global changes, but some adjustment is permissible. The peculiarity is that symptoms of psychopathy appear more often in men than in women.

In addition, many male psychopaths are not the criminals that many believe. On the contrary, sometimes they are successful businessmen, occupy high management positions, or are considered excellent specialists in a certain type of activity. Psychopathic men know how to earn money, often have high intelligence, and are distinguished by good manners. The problem with psychopaths is that there are no higher moral feelings in their personality structure. Such as conscience, compassion, shame. These men do not experience affection, sympathy, for psychopaths there is no concept of remorse and honesty.

Symptoms of psychopathy in men

pretend to feel almost all their feelings , but in reality they do not experience them. These people can well be called hypocrites and pretenders. They can successfully study psychology, only to manipulate other people for self-interest. Due to this immorality, emotional chaos is always present in the personal lives of these men. They cause anxiety and suffering to their colleagues at work and their loved ones.

Women who have entered into personal relationships with psychopathic men who have managed to adapt socially suffer the most. As a rule, relationships with these men entail severe psychological trauma. The cause of these injuries is the abuse of a woman’s trust. Including countless betrayals, humiliation of women as individuals. In addition, among male psychopaths there are actually many individuals who have problems with the law. By entering into a relationship with this man, a woman is at risk of physical and sexual violence.

Symptoms of psychopathy in men:

• Emotional coldness.
• Manipulation of other people's emotions and feelings. Close people feel this most of all.
• Paralogical lie.
• Treason. For a psychopathic man, cheating on his wife is like having “breakfast.” The most amazing thing is that the man who cheated does not feel any remorse - he sincerely does not understand why his girlfriend or wife is upset.
• Tendency to addictions - gambling, gluttony and alcoholism.
• Inability to have deep feelings - responsibility and love for his family.
• Impulsivity and infantility.

Causes of psychopathy

Unfortunately, it is impossible to accurately name the causes of this disorder. Scientists have not yet understood what is the catalyst for psychopathy, but they have identified several factors that certainly influence the onset of the disorder.

1. Who is a psychopath? A man who has a family member with the same problem. Scientists have proven that psychopathy is inherited, which means it is one of the main factors.
2. Poor environmental conditions also influence the onset of the disorder.
3. If a man was a pupil of an orphanage, then there is a high probability of developing the disorder. Committing a crime or serving a prison sentence also influences the appearance of psychopathy.
4. Psychopathy can develop against the background of infectious diseases such as meningitis or encephalitis. A brain tumor or head injury can also have an effect.
5. Radiation, poisoning or drug poisoning are also among the causes of the development of psychopathy.

As a rule, psychopathy occurs when some character traits become stronger, while others, on the contrary, fade into the background. The problem is that psychopathy does not develop over several years. It begins to appear at an early age and only intensifies over the years.

Symptoms and types of psychopathy

It is quite difficult to determine that a man is a psychopath during superficial communication or at the beginning of a relationship. They can hide their characteristics, imitate feelings and respond to the expectations of others - if they need it for some reason.

You can suspect psychopathy if you have the following symptoms:

• Deceit is a characteristic sign of psychopathy. Such people lie constantly: in order to achieve their goals faster and easier, to attract attention to themselves, or simply “out of interest.” When trying to catch a person in a lie, he may deny everything, become indignant, accuse others of lying, and, if it is impossible to deny the obvious, confess and immediately start lying again.
• Lack of empathy – psychopaths completely or partially lack the ability to empathize with anyone. They can understand other people's feelings, but do not empathize with them.
• Manipulation is another characteristic sign of a psychopath. Such people strive to manipulate everyone around them: loved ones, family, friends and employees. To achieve this, any methods are used: lies, rumors, blackmail, shouting, even assault and threats of suicide.
• Aggressiveness, cruelty - lack of empathy and selfishness, as well as the unwillingness to restrain one’s reactions, cause increased aggressiveness and cruelty towards the weaker. Men suffering from psychopathy, as a rule, are domestic tyrants, harshly suppressing any attempts at “disobedience” and without hesitation raising a hand against their wife and children.
• Lack of deep feelings - all reactions and feelings of such people are superficial. Deep love, affection, sympathy are not characteristic of them.
• Lack of remorse, admission of guilt - men with this way of thinking do not experience a feeling of remorse and do not admit their guilt. Instead, they attack the other person, accusing him of bias, lying, or any other vices.
• A tendency to cheat, lead an antisocial lifestyle, take alcohol, drugs - the desire to quickly get what you want without much effort becomes the reason for leading a promiscuous sex life or committing a crime.

There are several main types of psychopathy:

• Asthenic and psychasthenic psychopathy is the safest type for others. Such people are characterized by indecision, suspiciousness, and a tendency to introspection and “soul-searching.” Increased sensitivity and excitability become the cause of conflicts with others. Such people may seem very vulnerable and sensitive, but in fact, they only experience such feelings towards themselves. They are indifferent to others and can be very cold and cruel.
• Schizoid is a borderline type of disorder. Severe psychopathy of this type often becomes the cause of the development of psychiatric disorders. Schizoid psychopaths are reserved; they live in their own world and rarely let anyone in. Their main feature is isolation from others, isolation and insensitivity to anyone’s needs other than their own.
• Paranoid – characterized by increased aggressiveness, assertiveness, and narrow outlook. They constantly find out something, argue, monitor those around them and actively manipulate them.
• Excitable – men of this type have virtually no self-control. They are aggressive, irritable, and sort things out with everyone around them. Such people most often commit illegal acts and wander.
• Hysterical - such a disorder manifests itself at an early age; children, and then adult men, strive to attract everyone's attention, and cannot stand it when someone else becomes the center of society.
• Affective – characterized by easily changing mood or its pathological change. A person can be constantly gloomy or, conversely, foolish, overly cheerful and active.
• Mixed - combines several types.

RELATED MATERIALS: Organic Personality Disorder

Types of psychopathy

After you have succeeded in recognizing a male psychopath, you need to try to classify his disorder.

So, psychopathy is divided into:

1. Asthenic.
2. Schizoid.
3. Paranoid.
4. Excitable.
5. Hysterical.
6. Affective.
7. Mixed.

An asthenic psychopath is the safest for others. He is very indecisive, prone to introspection, often delving into himself, and is also suspicious. Due to increased sensitivity and easy excitability, he often gets involved in conflicts with others. People consider such a person to be easily vulnerable and sensitive, but they do not even realize that all these qualities are directed only inward. An asthenic psychopath doesn’t care about those around him, and at times he can surprise with cruelty.

A schizoid psychopath is in a borderline state. At any moment, his deviation can develop into a psychiatric illness. These are closed people who do not allow anyone into their little world. They do not perceive anyone's problems, are closed and try to maximize their distance from other people.

The hallmarks of paranoid psychopathy are assertiveness, aggressiveness, and narrow thinking. A person tries to manipulate people, prove something to them, aggressively defends his point of view, and also constantly monitors the lives of those around him.

An excitable psychopathic man does not limit himself in anything. He simply lacks self-control. It is quite difficult to understand how to communicate with a psychopathic husband of this type, since he reacts to any word with aggression and irritation. Such people are prone to committing crimes and often turn out to be vagrants.

A hysterical psychopath is visible at an early age. The child tries in every way to attract attention only to himself. As soon as attention turns to another person, the psychopath begins “military” actions against him.

With an affective disorder, a man easily changes his mood. It may be that during the day his mood changes several times. Or it may be that for weeks he will walk around cheerful or gloomy.

Mixed psychopathy involves a combination of several types of pathology.

Crazy husband, how to stop insults?

Lida, good afternoon!

I read your message and just feel terrible mutual irritation and anger in this situation. Mutual, understand? You blame your spouse for everything, but in any family problem BOTH partners ALWAYS bear responsibility. Do you think that the birth of your “fruit of love” is to blame for everything? Can a child cause swearing, screaming, quarrels, insults and mutual reproaches? No, Lida, she can’t. A child is born to please his parents, and not vice versa.

Your message does not fully describe the situation, you just splashed out your negative emotions (and that’s good!), but there is not enough information for consultation! For example,

Lida, I don’t know if you both knew each other well and accepted each other with all the shortcomings at the time of marriage? Was this done by mutual consent and love? When did the quarrels and their consequences in the form of mutual claims, insults, and grievances arise? I have to “think through” the situation, unfortunately.

What to do and how to react?

1) First of all, put the nervous system in order. Having a child is stressful for the body. You can take some of the mild sedatives for nursing mothers. Before going to bed - relaxation of the entire muscular system, relaxation. Walk outdoors more often. Don’t bring either yourself or your spouse to the point of neurosis. And remember that the little man also understands everything and feels what is happening. Think about your daughter. It’s worth calming down, even if only for her sake.

2) Next, if possible, distance yourself somewhat from your husband and mother. Everyone should have personal space and the right to be alone.

Calm down, look at the situation through the eyes of an outside observer. What's really going on? Stop blaming your spouse for everything, remove all claims against him: he is also a living person, not an ideal. She loves her daughter - that’s a big plus! Don’t forget that he lives with you, a woman, and also with your mother... for a normal man this is not easy. This is a pressing situation that does not allow you to feel like an adult and independent. Think about what it’s like for him? I think he suffers just as much as you. It is advisable to live separately, because... your family is you, your spouse and your child (until he grows up). That's all. There can't be anyone else here.

3) Only after you have calmed down and removed the aggression from yourself, and become somewhat detached from the situation, can you respectfully and unobtrusively talk to your husband, for example, on a day off, on a walk, without prying “ears” and eyes. Ask what he thinks you are doing wrong? Apologize for your negativity and irritation. Explain that it hurts you to hear insults. That is, try to understand your spouse and yourself. Think together about what you both can do for mutual comfort? After all, you are responsible for each other, and for the emotional sphere as well! And no complaints or “nervousness”, use your head, wisdom, and will.

Mutual understanding and respect for you in the family, Lida.

Sincerely, Elena.

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What to do?

My husband is a psychopath, what should I do? If the disorder has become dangerously widespread, then, of course, you need to leave. If you doubt your actions, then sit down and think about what happened in your life together:

1. Daily hysterics, initiated by the husband. Moreover, the reason does not matter. The man will never admit that he is to blame for these scandals.
2. The day after the scandal, the husband behaves as if nothing had happened. Everything is fine with him, and he considers you the best woman in the world, but in the evening everything repeats itself.
3. During scandals, you hear threats from him that he will kill you, and then die himself. Having cooled down a little, he complains to everyone that it was you who threatened to kill him.
4. Physical strength became his main argument. In any scandal, fists are used, but as soon as you start to defend yourself, he begins to hit even harder. Even if he raised his hand just once, don't expect it won't happen again.

If at least something from this list is present, then you need to pack your things and leave. But there are situations when breaking up is not an option. In this case, we recommend that you listen to the advice of psychologists on how to live with a psychopathic husband.

You decided to stay together.

Well, you have to live with this decision yourself. What will happen if you take it? A husband who is a psychopath will never feel sorry for you.

He does not tend to show empathy, since in this disorder there is no neural connection with the part of the brain responsible for deep feelings.

The second thing you will have to face is that he will devalue you everywhere. Thirdly, such a spouse will never admit his guilt in any situations.

Moreover, he will blame you for everything, because it is beneficial and convenient for him.

The fourth point that is worth paying attention to is that your spouse will always look for a connection on the side, because a psychopath gets bored with the same relationships.

Fifthly, your husband with psychopathy will constantly need “adrenaline” from the thrill that he gets from scandals with you.

If you are ready to “take the fire” on yourself, then go for it. As we can see, a relationship with a psychopath will not bring you anything good, not to mention the children you may have.

Start with yourself

Of course, when a woman complains about her psychopathic husband, many people give advice, but not all of them can bring results. If you want to save your family at all costs, then try to change yourself.

Only you and your husband are to blame for what happens in your family. And how a man treats you is primarily your fault. Therefore, it is worth considering at what point the husband’s attitude changed. Maybe the fact is that you allowed yourself to be treated this way? For example, they fulfilled every wish and tried to predict the next one. The man gradually got used to it and began to take it for granted. Break his habits and beliefs today. Let your spouse understand that now your opinion and existence will also have to be taken into account. Now, instead of running at the first call to follow orders, you will mind your own business, and he will have to satisfy his own needs on his own. At first he won't understand what happened and will try to put pressure on you. If you show firmness, he will understand that it is useless and will at least begin to do something for himself. But if a man uses his fists to force you to do something, then there is no point in saving the relationship anymore, you need to leave.

How to love someone with depression

A fairly typical sad story of a relationship with a depressed partner: you had a magical romance, you dreamed of being together all the time, and finally built a common nest. And now nothing makes him or her happy, and in general he or she does nothing: sits at home and whines. “They probably already stopped loving me, or never loved me at all,” you think.

It is important to distinguish clinical depression (major depressive disorder) from reactive depression. The second develops in response to difficult events, and the chances are quite high that over time it will go away forever. In the first case, the person is chronically ill, usually from adolescence.

Attacks of depression occur more or less regularly, including without apparent external causes. Depression is almost twice as common in women, but it is more difficult to recognize in men, because they do not like to complain about symptoms and try to avoid visiting doctors.

Therefore, for a man with depression, the risk of suicide is higher, as well as slow self-destruction through alcohol or psychoactive substances. And a low mood can be accompanied by severe irritability, which makes the life of loved ones even less pleasant.

Depression can also manifest itself in less obvious ways. For example, in physical symptoms: my head always hurts, my back ache, my stomach twists and I have no strength for anything. Sex causes a lot of negative emotions - from quiet irritation to violent tears.

What not to do if your partner is prone to depression

Criticize and blame.

Believe me, your partner can do this very well on his own and does it from morning to evening. The consciousness of a depressed person is distorted; during these weeks (or even months) he really considers himself an unfit loser who is not worthy of your love. On the contrary, praise in such a state will never be superfluous: even for washing her hair and making tea.

Dissatisfaction with the world around and disappointment in what you used to like so much should not be egocentrically taken personally: most likely, at these moments, your partner is not thinking about you at all, but about the fact that his or her whole life is one complete failure, but humanity is heading towards the apocalypse.

Create stress

. If your girlfriend or boyfriend is prone to depression, it is important to understand that they objectively have less strength and energy, they get tired faster and react more strongly to negativity. The magic kick method, calls to get out of your comfort zone and brilliant advice in the spirit of “be more positive” will not help in any way. This does not mean that you cannot demand anything from your partner at all. It is possible, but not now, but when a person returns to normal and is able to perceive these demands adequately. A depressed man experiences double pressure, because he is traditionally expected to act and take initiative. It must be recognized that this will not happen in the near future. You may have to take on providing for your family for a while.

What to do if your partner is prone to depression

Stir it up a little.

In a depressed person, it is not the body that is paralyzed, but the willpower. He is physically able to get out of bed, but does not see the point in doing so. He needs to help, but in no case put pressure, but interest him. Negative emotions of all kinds are already overflowing, so it is important to show that there is still something pleasant left in life.

If the depression is severe, it will be a great achievement to simply take your loved one by the hand and take them out for a breath of fresh air, like someone who is seriously ill (which they are). If the situation is easier, you can choose different activities, the main thing is that they are feasible.

Support your efforts to get better.

Relevant for any mental disorder: instead of devaluing comments “everything is fine with you, rest a little and move on,” support practical steps towards recovery. Take her to a neurologist and psychotherapist, remind her how important it is to get enough sleep and exercise.

If episodes of depression recur and do not go away for weeks, you will need to take antidepressants (only with a prescription from a good doctor). And discouraging this is a disservice.

Always remember that depressive episodes pass, and if the person was good, then he will remain so. How soon depends on both of you.

pros

People prone to depression are by nature sensitive and impressionable. Many of them are thoughtful, subtle and romantic people who are no strangers to art. If you are attracted to lovers of philosophical conversations and poetry, there are very, very many depressed people among them.

Minuses

Such people can be not only weak and passive in life, but also obsessive. They become very attached and have a hard time with separation. This can result in a constant shifting of responsibility onto the partner and demands to take care of the one who has been tamed. Depressed men often become bitter drunkards, getting used to drowning out their depressed mood with alcohol.

Agree

When the next hysteria with guilt begins, just agree with it. At the same time, you should not take on a repentant appearance; a sarcastic tone is enough. But we must not allow a response in the form of shouting and assurances that the problem lies with him. This behavior will only increase aggression, but with your consent you will extinguish it. If you have strong nerves, then simply try not to react to the scandal. Let him make trouble with himself, he’s unlikely to last long.

The point of this behavior is to make it uninteresting for the psychopath to make a scandal. What's the point in swearing if they don't argue with you or don't react to you at all?

Do not answer

This advice regarding dealing with a psychopathic husband is similar to the previous one, but still different. The difference is that you can suppress with shouting and claims only if you are morally much stronger than your partner. But usually in such cases the man does not show his emotions again. If it so happens that you are the weak side in the family, then do not try to influence your spouse by mirroring his reaction. This will only intensify the conflict and worsen the situation as a whole.

My husband is crazy and explodes over little things.

Hello. We have been married for 1.5 years. We didn’t know each other much before the wedding, since I’m from Pavlodar, and he’s from Almaty, originally from Taraz. We fell in love. He came a couple of times and half a year later they had a wedding, everything was according to tradition. We decided to live in Almaty while staying with our aunt. I quickly found a job as an ecologist, since I had work experience. And it was very difficult for my husband to find a job; he had a complex that he had no experience and didn’t know much. He found it with my help, since I sent dozens of resumes every day. He is an artist by profession, but there was no work for artists, so I suggested that he take courses, learn a couple of programs and work as a designer. He began to have breakdowns at this time, when he was unemployed. I thought when I found a job it would happen. Now we live separately. But he still sometimes breaks down even because of little things. If the dishes fall and break due to his fault, he can blame me for distracting him. And when he drinks a little, even beer, he generally becomes a different person. He swears at me for managing him, because even going out separately was my proposal. He might even hit him if I answer him and swear. He accuses me of not being able to give birth to a child because I lied and didn’t tell him in advance that I had an abortion in my youth, but I warned him that I’m not a virgin, that I dated him, that there was a past. And she told me about the abortion, because he bothered me, he constantly asked if I had ever had an abortion. But now I am being treated and the doctors say that everything is fine with me, that I can get pregnant. But he doesn’t want to be checked. He even sometimes blames his parents, his aunt, with whom he lived after the 9th grade, for deciding everything for him about who he should be and what he should do. Therefore, he believes that his profession is bad, that he cannot even find a normal job.

His rage usually goes away on the second day and he asks me for forgiveness. And again he becomes a normal good person. But this is happening more and more often. and my patience is not ironclad either. I’m afraid to give birth and raise a child even in such an environment. And there are enough problems with finances. And his father is not his own; he generally grew up and was raised by his grandparents. And when he sees my loving parents, I think he's a little jealous. He even said this a couple of times, that his stepfather was always indifferent to him. Sometimes he wants to find his father, he even knows approximately his address, but he never dares to do it. And in general, I think there is a very big difference between us in traditions and concepts about life. I was raised differently; in our family there was always equality and harmony. But in the south it’s still not like that, men are in charge there. And although I try to respect traditions, education still takes over. Because I still have to solve all the problems. I clear the debt, find the money and even earn more.

There are a lot of problems in our family. You can’t even tell everything at once.

Thank you.

What should I do if my husband freaks out on me over little things? (3 answers)

Wait

Of course, when unfounded accusations are thrown at you, you need to defend your rights. But you shouldn’t do this in the midst of a conflict. Wait out the storm and then calmly discuss the problem. Firstly, your calmness will greatly surprise the man, and he will lose steam faster. And secondly, it’s easier to discuss something with a cool head, then, perhaps, you will come to some kind of decision. A scandal can kill all the best that remains in a relationship, so at such a moment sorting things out is ineffective.

As for me, so do I

To achieve mutual understanding with a man, treat him the way you would like him to treat you.

Women always want to evoke admiration and awe in a man and try their best. Men want the same thing, but for some reason wives and girlfriends forget about it. They allow unflattering statements about what a man is interested in, and then they are surprised by his violent negative reaction. Better reconsider your behavior and often remind your man how good, strong and reliable he is.

In this way, you will not only prevent a scandal, but also once again remind your spouse what gold is next to him. Time will pass and he will begin to appreciate it.

Professional help

Advice is advice, but no one canceled professional help. Of course, not every man will be able to admit that there is a problem. But nevertheless, there is a chance of his consent. Begin to carefully prepare your chosen one for a trip to a specialist. You should only speak directly about the help of a psychologist when your man is in a good mood and this does not threaten to develop into a scandal. If you can convince him and undergo therapy, then there is a great chance to save your family and save yourself from the manifestations of this mental disorder in the future.

Can children be taken away from a mother through the courts?

It is impossible to deprive parental rights on the basis of an existing mental disorder. There is a possibility that the parent’s rights may be limited, but to do this it is necessary to assess the patient’s current condition and the likelihood of danger posed by him. Since this can be done by psychiatrists, and not judges, a forensic psychological and psychiatric examination should be carried out. Psychologists, having assessed what is happening in the family, give an opinion on the basis of which the court makes a decision. If a child is attached to a sick mother and feels a sense of love and security next to her, then separating him from his mother can cause problems in the child’s emotional sphere, resulting in nocturnal enuresis and neurotic states.

— Yes, the young woman from Rostov who turned to us for help has a problem, but now the woman is in a period of recovery. To make a decision that children should live with their father, without taking into account their attachment to their mother, her state of remission, without a forensic psychological and psychiatric examination, means discriminating against her rights, Olga Aleksandrovna Bukhanovskaya is sure.