How to make friends with the right people: 6 rules
Let's play a game - you need to answer a question in two parts. Only honestly:
- Think about the last time you were incredibly happy (11/10 bliss) and very sad (-20/10). Was it related to a certain person or lack thereof?
- List five close friends you have made in the last five years. Will there be five?
I can bet my average salary that most people answered “yes” to the first question and no to the second.
The truth is that close relationships disproportionately impact our lives during the time we intentionally think about them. Most people's closest relationships in their lives were voluntarily shaped by school, work, or the activities they enjoyed as teenagers. And they haven't thought about it since. They meet the same people, go to the same places and have the same conversations.
What's wrong, you ask? Well, nothing really. Let me rephrase that: It doesn't mean something is wrong - it means it could be significantly better.
If someone offered you and a team of your choice a quest with a $10 million prize, how carefully would you assemble that team? Most likely, you would sit down and carefully analyze what characteristics are important to win the quest.
Well, this quest is called life, and the final prize is much more than $10 million.
The Science of Choosing the Right People in Your Life
You've probably heard the quote, "You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with," often attributed to self-improvement guru Jim Rohn.
When I first heard this, my first thought was: “Well, of course, how do you measure this?!”
I decided to find out if there were studies showing how the people in our lives affect the quality of our lives.
And you know what - there are a lot of them. Here are some examples.
Having obese friends (and even neighbors) significantly increases the likelihood that you yourself are obese
A study conducted by scientists from Harvard and the University of California involving 12 thousand people over 32 years old found that a person's likelihood of becoming obese increases by 57% if he or she has an overweight friend.
And surprisingly, a meta-analysis of the role of social connections, conducted on the basis of 45 studies spanning several decades, showed that not only close friends, but even people who are close to you geographically, for example, neighbors, can influence your weight.
Please note that I do not encourage fat shaming in any form. Weight is easy to measure, which is why there is a lot of research on the influence of social connections on it.
Happy friends make you happier
A 20-year study of 4,739 people by Harvard researchers found that happy and unhappy people clearly cluster together, and if a friend who lives a mile away is happy, you are 25% happier too.
Good relationships improve all aspects of health
In Friendship: Evolution, Biology, and the Extraordinary Power of Life's Fundamental Framework, Lydia Denworth argues that very few people realize that social relationships can have a broad impact on health. Everything changes - from your cardiovascular system, your immunity, to the way you sleep, to your cognitive health.
Notably, the effects are measurable over time. An 80-year Harvard Study of Adult Health and Development found that our relationships, and in particular how happy we are in our relationships, strongly influence health and longevity—more so than social class, IQ, or even genes.
“When we put together everything we knew about the participants at age 50, we saw that the indicator of their aging was not their cholesterol level. People who were most satisfied with their relationships at age 50 were the healthiest at age 80,” says Robert Waldinger, who led the study.
As I said, you won't die today if you don't have good friends, but you may become overweight, be poorer, less happy and less healthy, and die earlier. Fine?
Jokes aside, I am not suggesting that you look for rich, successful and slim friends. However, I suggest that you be mindful and intentional about the people you spend time with because it changes your life.
How do I know? I experimented a lot with friends.
Choice training
I broke away from my family when I was 17, not yet knowing that my life would be one great nomadic adventure. Since then I have lived on different continents and in dozens of cities. After the first few bouts of intense loneliness and the realization that my closest friends were 30 hours and $2,000 away from me, I decided to consistently build meaningful relationships instead of just waiting for them to happen.
This process pays attention to both existing relationships and new ones I would like to create. Here he is.
Make a time limit
Every day in the evening I write down who I spent more than an hour with that day. It doesn't have to be a friend - it could be a professor at a university, a cleaner, or a barista you talk to every day at a coffee shop. I also record time spent alone. Do this for at least two weeks to get a good slice of your life.
Write down your feelings
Write down how this interaction made you feel. Did you feel energized, exhausted, or neither? A simple scale from 1 to 5 is fine. Be careful - has this person put you on the defensive? Did you feel anxious? Use as many words as possible, but don't put too much emphasis on it.
Know yourself
This is the most important step in this process. It's important to understand that what makes you happy is different from what makes someone else happy. Find out what brings happiness to you.
Building on steps 1 and 2, identify what makes you feel good or bad about these interactions. See if the same words appear in multiple interactions. List what is necessary for you and what is undesirable.
For example, my top three needs are intention, kindness, and effort. And what I would like to avoid is inconsistency.
Choose intentionally
Compare the qualities you identified in step 3 to the people you spend time with. Do you spend most of your time with people who meet your emotional needs? Or does your energy go to those who return it with negativity?
“It is better to be alone than in bad company” - George Washington
While doing this exercise, I discovered a strange irony. It lies in the fact that we take our best relationships for granted.
Think about it—when you have too much to do, isn't it your spouse who puts you on the back burner, knowing that he or she loves you and will forgive you? On a bad day, are you harsh with your spouse but nice with the barista? Now I save my best self for the people who matter most.
Break up toxic relationships
This is one of the most difficult steps. Breaking up with someone with whom you have a long history is heartbreaking, even though we have known for a long time that this friendship is not good for us. You were good friends in the past, but now you have gone in different directions. Be grateful to the past, part with it.
When faced with this problem, I always remind myself that emotional energy is a finite source. The energy you put into negative relationships is the energy you don't put into meaningful relationships. I imagine that emotional energy is a currency (like money) and that I have a limited budget. So, as I sit next to this person, I ask myself: Would I be here if I had to pay $200 to spend time with this person? What if this means I don't have the money to be with the person I like?
Make new friends
Consciously search for the type of relationship you want. If you want to become an entrepreneur, find a mastermind group. If you want to get more outdoors, find a hiking group. This is one of the few things in life that your 6-year-old self did better than your 30-, 40-, or even 50-year-old self.
Important Tips for Choosing Friends
Choose people who reciprocate your feelings
This is an extremely important rule. Yes, pursue communication from the people you're attracted to, but if they don't reciprocate, move on. Anyone who has experienced unrequited love understands that there are some things that no amount of intention, effort, or desire on your part can change. It's the same with friendship. If someone doesn't want to be your friend, it doesn't matter how hard you try.
Choose sincerity
Trust arises only when there are no hidden subtexts. One of my close friends is 30 years older than me and we have almost nothing in common. The beauty of our relationship is that there is no romantic overtones and we don't need to use each other to advance our careers or look cool. We just both sincerely want the other person to be happy.
Life can be confusing sometimes - you make stupid mistakes, get carried away with people who clearly aren't worth it, repeat destructive patterns, and there are days when you're just inexplicably sad. The point is that your life is unique. Choose someone who is willing to share with you the full range of human experience and who allows you to express yourself fully.
Choose people who will help you grow
No one achieves success alone. You need people who stimulate and support you. Find friends who will raise the bar higher and become your biggest fans.
If one of your friends is constantly jealous of your success, and their endless pessimism discourages you, it's time to think about whether you should give them a place in your life.
“Stay away from people who try to diminish your ambitions. That's what little people do, but the truly great ones make you feel like you can be great too." - Mark Twain
Choose people who are different from you
Creating variety in my relationships is one of the most rewarding decisions I've ever made. Thanks to this, I learned to communicate differently and became acquainted with things that I usually did not notice. I learned to look at the world from different points of view. It's just much more enjoyable.
Focus on character, not charisma
This is the most important thing I've learned in decades of relationship building. When I was young, I was drawn to the cool kids who everyone wanted to hang out with - they made me laugh until I cried and we partied the night away. And then they disappeared. Sometimes for weeks. They responded when it was convenient for them, not when I needed them.
I quickly learned that emotional security was built on qualities such as consistency, kindness and responsiveness, not extroversion and adventurousness.
Choose time after time
The silent killer of any relationship is complacency. For your own benefit and the benefit of those around you, be intentional about how much energy and attention you give to each meeting. Let me emphasize: I don't think that every person has to meet absolutely all your needs - you can choose someone just because they make you happy every time you see them. The point is to clarify for yourself the reason for your attitude towards a particular person. This will help you perform better.
How it works?
Let me start by saying that it was not easy. Especially when I didn't know myself very well. In many cases, choosing people was much easier because they were convenient.
How do I know it was worth it?
Because I am reminded of this every day. I'm reminded of this every time I see their spare house keys on my chain. Or when a friend drives six hours just to hang out, or when a friend reads every article as soon as it's published, or when life throws something at me like in a Hollywood movie.
I had never been in a friendship network before, but each person showed up and provided a thread that connected me to a giant safe network. And then I realized that I did everything right. I hope you too will understand that your emotional energy is one of the most valuable currencies you have in life, and begin to share it only with those people who truly deserve it.
There's something else I didn't tell you. This will take time. A lot of time. And good relationships are like compound interest—starting at 20 is exponentially better than starting at 50, even if you invest the same amount.
Start today - it will change everything.
“Tell me who your friend is and I will tell you who you are” - Johann Wolfgang Goethe
How communication problems manifest themselves
Difficulties in communication are a common issue in the process of raising children. There may be several problems:
- Excessive aggression. The child may be too rude and intrusive. Fighting and harsh language are acceptable concepts for him. Parents should not leave everything as it is, otherwise their son or daughter will run the risk of big communication problems in the future.
- Lie. Sometimes children lie to get attention. Moreover, they also receive attention in the form of punishment for lying. And sometimes children lie because they want to test how far they can go. That is, this is a kind of experience that a child conducts.
- Hyperactivity. Such children are inattentive, they do not listen to their parents and teachers, they are distracted and do not finish what they start. It is difficult for them to sit in one place. Such hyperactivity affects the mental and physical health of the baby.
- Refusal to eat is also a kind of communication difficulty. The child rebels in this way, trying to attract attention. If you do not immediately begin to solve this problem, then a serious situation may arise.
Friends for an introvert
“Well, with extroverts it’s clear, everything is simple, but how can an introvert make friends? I’m already exhausted, I want to have friends, but long-term communication is terribly tiring, after a couple of hours I want to go home, and I can’t stand noisy companies at all.”
— Ilya, 34 years old
Indeed, popular wisdom says that the problem with introverts is that they want to have friends, but do not want to communicate with them. It seems that real life is where there is noise and fun from morning to evening, but you don’t want to go into this crowd at all. It is important to understand that people have different needs. Just because you don't like noisy companies doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. There is no need to rack your brains about how to become more sociable and overcome the peculiarities of your temperament. You just need to take it for granted that, for example, “my need for communication is 3 hours a week.” And based on this need, look for friends. You don't have to be super outgoing to be someone's friend. Make friends with those who also enjoy rare meetings, who do not like noisy companies, but share your love for forays into nature or reading. And to find friends, you can use the methods given above, including the 7Spsy behavior modification technology - these universal methods are suitable for both extroverts and introverts. And remember, the main thing is not the quantity, but the quality of relationships.
Sources: 1. About the benefits of relationships, 75-year study (https://www.ted.com/talks/robert_waldinger_what_makes_a_good_life_lessons_from_the_longest_study_on_happiness?language=ru#t-27942). 2. Igor Kon, “Friendship: Ethical and psychological essay.” 3. D. Myers, “Social Psychology.”
