7 questions that family psychologists are most often asked

“It seems to me that all people are stupider than me. Is the problem with people or with me?”

“I think everyone around me is stupid, is this normal?” “This suggests that you do not recognize the right of other people to make their own choices.”

The problem is that sometimes we underestimate others and do not recognize their right to make their own choice - how and to what extent to develop. Everyone has their own threshold for a comfortable development zone: some are constantly striving for new knowledge, while for others little is enough - this does not always mean stupidity. Try to notice the good qualities of the people around you, watch them, learn something from them. Grow according to your chosen scenario and allow others to do the same. You will become more comfortable communicating with people!

Ask yourself what you are looking for in a therapist

Mental health professionals have different styles and approaches to therapy. Think about how you would like to conduct your sessions.

“Even though a psychotherapist is a professional who charges a lot of money for his work, it is important for him to know what kind of person you are,” says Stoddard. “Whether you are looking for a person who will listen to you, or an interlocutor who will guide you, say so.”

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“I want to become an interesting person, but I don’t do anything for it. How to overcome yourself?

To begin with, put aside the concepts of “personality” and “interesting person” and understand who you are, where you are going, what you want to do. Don’t analyze other people’s lives, fantasizing about how interesting and self-sufficient everyone around you is. It’s especially easy to think this way when scrolling through your social media feed, so try to spend less time on it.

Develop critical thinking. Read good, time-tested literature and be sure to track your attitude towards what you read. Just because an author is successful and authoritative doesn't mean you have to agree with him. Form your opinion, analyze, check information, learn to disagree and debate.

And be sure to understand for yourself in which direction you want to develop and grow. “An interesting person” is a rather vague concept. But how developed a person is can be tracked. Develop yourself in directions that are interesting to you, learn something from other people. And don’t be afraid to step out of your comfort zone, even if it’s scary. These are the basic steps necessary to become an individual.

How to ask the right question to get a positive answer

You can get what you want from others by intentionally using leading questions that encourage people to answer you affirmatively.
There is such a thing as positively asked questions, which are based on two principles:

YES is better than NO

Disagreement is a generally uncomfortable communication experience.
It could even be considered impolite behavior. When you disagree, you seem to protest the interlocutor’s argument and argue so as not to lead to a failure in communication. Compared to the risk and discomfort of disagreement (NO), agreement (YES) is generally preferable. When you ask questions, as a rule, you should “lead” the interlocutor to a positive conclusion and answer your questions.

Create by speaking

When you say something, in order for the other person to understand what you are saying, he must fully engage and understand what you are saying.
For example, if you say “don't stand up” when asking a question to a person in the audience, then the person should think about getting up instead of immediately answering you, whereas if you said “stay seated,” then all that What the person needs to do is remain in a sitting position (which, in this case, also improves their current condition) and answer your question immediately.

Therefore, when asking positive questions, you should only say what you want the other person to think about and avoid saying what you don't want the other person to spend time thinking about.

Questions that guide

Using the questions above, the other person may engage in some action or receive a different reaction.

Creating Affirmative Action

In order to get someone to answer a question positively, ask him, indicating some action, and formulate the question itself in such a way that by saying “YES”, the interlocutor comes to complete agreement and compliance on his part:

Will you do this work?
I was wondering with you, would you like to walk with me?
Can you help me get this to the top?
Would you take this item for less?

Persuasive action

In order to force a person to do something you need, which he would not like to do, your question should encourage him to do it; for this, try using the “reverse” principle in questions, examples below:

Do you mind very much if you do this work?
I know you might not want to come with me, but would you be so kind?
Are you only going to watch football there?
Will you change the price you previously announced?

Preventive action

To get someone not to do something, use the positive aspects of a negative task:

Would you rather do anything else?
Who else do you want to go with?
Do you want to watch football?
Do you want me to agree to your price?

“I'm afraid to express my opinion because I'm afraid of objections. What to do?"

In order not to be afraid of objections, you need to be confident in your opinion. And for this, you need to understand why you think this way and not otherwise. “Because I see it that way, period” will also do. There have always been and will be objections, constructive and not, so you just need to get used to them and learn to feel what to answer: in what form and in what tone. And in some cases it will be better not to answer at all or just smile.

An objection is only the harmless opinion of another person who has the right to it. Realize that there are many points of view on any question, and accept this, just as you accept, for example, the variety of eye shapes - there is and there is. You can also benefit from objections: for some reason, your interlocutor thinks this way and not otherwise. Perhaps it is worth entering into a dialogue with him and learning something new.

Do you feel comfortable with the people around you?

Loneliness can have serious consequences for mental and physical health. Therefore, your therapist will want to know if you have friends, a strong support system from those around you. If not, they can help you create one.

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“There is a lot of research that shows the importance of social support in psychological well-being,” Delavalla said. “Familiarity with your environment, even if only remotely, will help your therapist know how best to use it to maximize treatment effectiveness, and whether it is worth using it at all.”

“All my friends have a lot of hobbies and goals, but I have nothing. How do I understand what I really want?”

The first step is to stop comparing yourself to others. Take a break in search of yourself and use this time usefully: separate your own desires from those imposed on you by your parents and friends.

Take a pen and paper and make a list of activities that you don't like. And think why. This way you will reduce the variety of options several times.

Now it will be easier to make a list of what you like. Just don’t analyze how popular and prestigious these hobbies are—just write what comes to mind.

Re-read the list and next to each activity, try to write its “meaning”: personal, cultural, social - whatever.

Considering these factors, choose from the list the most attractive activities for you. And try it!

You may feel unpleasant and even scared - this is how the fear of making a mistake with your choice, internal resistance, manifests itself. And that's okay! Expose this fear, tell it: “Hi, I see you!” And don’t listen to those who rush you into choice and self-realization. Move at your own pace: if your chosen activity doesn’t work, go back to the list and try the next one.

Don't chase the Great Goal. The main thing is to fill life with meaning that matches your desires.

Questions you will probably be asked

Before your first session, your therapist will likely send you some paperwork to fill out. One of these documents will likely be a questionnaire with your medical history (including any medications you are taking), mental health services you have received in the past, current problems or irritants, and what you hope to get out of therapy . The doctor will review your answers and may want you to discuss them in detail during your first session together. Here are some of the questions you may be asked and why.

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“I noticed that I have different behavior patterns for different people. So, am I a hypocrite?

“I behave differently with different people, am I a hypocrite?” “No, most likely you have high social intelligence”

The good news is that you most likely have high social intelligence—the ability to recognize the emotions of others and behave appropriately. Each of us has a different social role for different people (for example, no one communicates with their mother as if they were their boss, or with their boss as if they were a friend in a cafe). But the higher the social intelligence, the more such roles it can cover. This is an advantage, not a disadvantage! The main thing is that neither other people nor you suffer from your actions. Listen to yourself, whether you are comfortable in these social roles - this will make it easier to separate your real self from these roles.

Is this your first therapy?

If you have had experience with a therapist in the past, it is likely that your former doctor gave you advice that did not help. Otherwise, why change it? This helps us understand which methods have been more effective in the past and which ones should be abandoned,” explains family therapist Danny Gibson from Los Angeles.

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“If the experience was positive, why? If not, why was it a negative experience? What would you like to do differently? The client controls the therapy session and I act as the guide.”

“How to overcome everyday laziness? Homes are often so unkempt that it’s even embarrassing to invite guests.”

Think about the reasons for laziness. Often household chores are perceived as boring and monotonous - for the most part they are. But the reality is that doing boring things is necessary periodically. And this does not mean that there are no ways to diversify the process.

Find the positive aspects of cleaning: additional physical activity, relief from anxiety and guilt, and the air will be cleaner and your selfies will be more beautiful.

Let music, a podcast or an entertaining video play in the background.

Call your family or friends who you haven't had time to contact, put the call on speakerphone - and off you go!

Upon completion, reward yourself with an hour of complete idleness with a sense of accomplishment.

After several such cleanings, you will get hooked, I assure you!

“How can I help myself if my soul is anxious, but all the sedatives have already been taken?”

It is important to understand what is the cause of your anxiety, since medications, including herbal ones, are not a solution to the problem, but a way to get rid of its symptoms. We don’t worry just like that, without reason - there is an explanation for every feeling. And here it is important to consider that we cannot always help ourselves, without outside help. Long and unsuccessful attempts to cope with this condition alone can lead to unpleasant consequences such as panic attacks. Take care of yourself, contact a psychologist who, if he sees the need, will refer you to the right specialist. Be healthy!

“I’m quite successful, but I still don’t believe in my strength. Can this uncertainty be dealt with?

Self-esteem, oddly enough, does not always depend on real achievements. Low self-esteem just gives rise to a feeling of insecurity and fear of failure in the future. It consists of two aspects: cognitive (your knowledge about yourself) and emotional (a measure of self-satisfaction).

Where can your insecurity come from, that is, a violation of the emotional aspect of self-esteem?

Family education: how often were you praised and scolded? What values were instilled?

Pedagogical influence: how did you study and how did your parents, teachers, and peers feel about it?

Social environment: what attitudes and principles do people close to you have?

We come into adulthood with a large baggage of attitudes and words spoken to us earlier. You need to analyze your past: what people could influence you, who supported you and how? Look also in the present: who surrounds you now? What do you hear about yourself? It is possible and necessary to fight uncertainty: it will give you the necessary resource to move forward.

drunk guest

Have you started a new job and need to establish relationships with your team, but don’t know where to start the conversation? We offer a list of 100 questions that will help you get to know a person better.

Who is your hero?
If you could live anywhere, where would it be?
What are you most afraid of?
What's your favorite family vacation?
What would you like to change about yourself if you could?
What really makes you angry?
What motivates you to work hard?
What do you enjoy most about your job?
What are you most unhappy about in your job?
What is your greatest achievement?
What is your child's greatest achievement?
What is your favorite book?
What makes you laugh the most?
What was the last movie you went to? What do you think of him?
What did you want to be when you were little?
What does your child want to be when he grows up?
If you could choose to do anything during the day, what would it be?
What is your favorite game or sport?
Would you rather: ride a bike, ride a horse, drive a car?
What song would you sing karaoke all night?
What two radio stations do you listen to most often in the car?
What would you rather do: wash the dishes, mow the lawn, clean the bathroom, or vacuum the house?
If you could hire an assistant, what would you do? For help with cleaning, cooking, or working in the garden?
If you could only eat one dish for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Who is your favorite author?
Have you ever had nicknames? Which?
Do you like or don't like surprises? Why or why not?
In the evening, would you rather play, visit relatives, watch a movie or read?
Would you rather vacation in Hawaii or Alaska, and why?
What would you like more: winning the lottery or having the perfect job? And why?
Who would you send to a desert island?
If there was no money, what would you do all day?
If you could go back in time, what year would you go to?
How would your friends describe you?
What are your hobbies?
What's the best gift you've ever received?
What's the worst gift you've ever received?
Aside from the essentials, what's the one thing you still can't live without all day?
List two problems with keeping pets.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
How many pairs of shoes do you have?
If you were a super hero, what super powers would you have?
What would you do if you won the lottery?
What type of public transport do you prefer? (plane, train, bus, car, etc.)
What is your favorite pet?
If you could go back in time to change one thing, what would it be?
If you could have lunch with any 4 people, who would they be?
How many pillows do you sleep on?
How long have you been awake at most (and why)?
What's the tallest building you've climbed?
Would you choose intelligence or looks?
How often do you buy clothes?
Have you ever had a secret admirer?
What is your favorite holiday?
What's the bravest thing you've ever done?
What's the last thing you recorded on TV?
What was the last book you read?
What's your favorite foreign food?
Are you a clean or dirty person?
If they made a film about your life, who would play you? Which actor?
How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?
What kitchen appliance do you use every day?
What's your favorite fast food?
What's your favorite family recipe?
Do you love or hate roller coasters?
What's your favorite family tradition?
What is your favorite childhood memory?
What is your favorite film?
How old were you when you found out Santa didn't exist? How do you know?
Is your glass half full or half empty?
What's the craziest thing you've done in the name of love?
What three items would you take with you to a desert island?
What was your favorite subject at school?
What's the most unusual dish you've eaten?
Do you collect anything?
Is there anything you would like to bring back into fashion?
Are you an introvert or an extrovert?
Which five senses do you consider the most powerful?
Have you ever had a surprise party? (that was a real surprise)
Do you have any famous relatives?
What do you do to keep fit?
Does your family have a motto?
If you were the ruler of your country, what would be the first law you would introduce?
Who was your favorite teacher at school and why?
What three things do you think are most important to do every day?
If you heard a warning, what would you respond?
Do you have a song that seems to be sung about you?
Which celebrity would you have a cup of coffee with?
Who was your first love?
What's the most interesting thing you can see from your office or kitchen window?
On a scale of 1-10, how funny are your jokes?
Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
What was your first job?
If you could join any music group, past or present, which one would you want to join?
How many languages do you know?
What is your favorite family holiday, traditions?
Who is the smartest person you know?
What animal do you identify with?
What thing would you never do again?
Who knows you best?

Translation: drunk guest

“How to overcome telephone addiction? I spend whole days aimlessly scrolling through Internet pages.”

Any habit can be eradicated. But to do this, decide for yourself why you need it and what benefits it will bring to you. Imagine this in colors, get inspired and make up a couple of rules that you would be ashamed of yourself for breaking. For example, these:

Don't take your phone with you to the toilet (yes!), but put a magazine, reference book or encyclopedia there - something that you can open to any page and read, learning something interesting.

Don't touch your phone for an hour after waking up. Instead, drink water, exercise, clean up. And the reward for this will be the opportunity to use the phone.

Before going to bed, smear your hands with thicker cream and, without any gadgets, reflect on the past day in silence.

By force of will, unsubscribe from at least half of the useless public pages, and in return subscribe to useful and informative ones. This will definitely reduce the time spent watching the feed - verified!

Questions about the past

The past creates us in the present, which is why it is so important. Yes, people change, but not as quickly as we would like. Therefore, the one who betrayed once will repeat it again. Questions about the past will help you understand your friend and trace the connection between his present and past.

Childhood

Have you ever kept a diary?
Did you like going to kindergarten? What did you dislike the most?
Was it easy to study at school?
What changed you as a teenager?
Who was your first love?
Do you communicate with your classmates and school friends?
Do you have Brother or sister? Are you a good communicator?
If you were asked to change something about your childhood, what would you choose?
What did you dream of becoming as a child?
What were your hobbies, what sections and clubs did you attend?

Biography

What was the best period in your life?
What was the worst period in your life?
Have you ever lost someone close to you?
When did you feel the biggest adrenaline rush?
Which of your parents are you closer to and why?
What are you most grateful for?
What did your last relationship teach you?
What is your biggest regret in life?

“People close to me died, but I don’t feel anything. Is it normal that I’m not sad?”

Since childhood, we hear that we should or should not experience this or that feeling in certain circumstances. But people cannot react the same way to everything: if only because they have different temperaments and sensitivity thresholds. We also have strong defense mechanisms that, at the time of grief, can block the manifestations of the bitterness of loss. Sometimes we forbid ourselves to worry, we put off feelings for later, but they remain unexpressed. This is not very good, it is better to throw out emotions right away: let it not be traditional tears, but laughter, screaming - the main thing is not to keep everything to yourself.

If you are asking this question, it cannot be said that you do not feel anything. Most likely, you feel shame, fear of being “abnormal.” Let go of this thought, don't judge yourself. And then you will be able to understand what you really feel.

“My wife and I recently had a child, but I don’t feel love for him. Am I a bad father?

After the birth of a child, every 10th mother feels fear of the new chapter of her life - and this is due to the so-called maternal instinct. What can we say about fathers! In addition, as a rule, the young parent keeps this a secret, suffering from a feeling of inferiority in the new role. There is a stereotype in our culture that parents should unconditionally adore their baby almost from the day of conception. And this cultural pressure ruins the lives of new mothers and fathers. Dads, feeling responsible, afraid of doing something wrong, often distance themselves from the child, and their consciousness blocks feelings - that’s why it seems that there are no feelings. This in no way means that you are a bad father. Just don’t compare yourself to the mythical norm, take care of your baby - and love will come.

What radically changed your life?

This is not just a question to get to know the person better. This is a way to take communication to a new level of trust.

In everyone’s life, at least one situation has happened, because of which the attitude towards familiar things has changed, a person looked at his surroundings with different eyes. He began to cherish something with all his heart, but something forever lost its value for him.

Such revaluation is preceded by a lot of psychological and emotional work on oneself. And these are always very personal experiences. If your interlocutor shares them with you from the bottom of his heart, it means that he completely trusts you.

“How to stop yelling at your children? I feel like I’m becoming like my cruel mother.”

First, relax: there are no perfect parents. But we need to move in this direction. You realize that you are acting incorrectly - you can be praised! Now create for yourself a system of rules and punishments for such failures. Imagine how your behavior could harm your children’s development—you don’t want that, do you?

The key to solving the problem is your relationship with your mother. Try to talk to her about your childhood and honestly discuss what it was like for you, what you felt at the moments of your breakdowns. Accept the fact that you are projecting the image of your mother onto yourself, that is, equating yourself with her. Make a list of her good qualities and try to adopt them, periodically refreshing the list in your head.

“I often break my promises to my son for various reasons. Will this somehow affect his psyche?

Actually, yes, this can have an extremely unpleasant effect. Double standards, which a child often has to face in childhood, undermine the fragile psyche and can become one of the causes of schizophrenia in later life.

But it’s not all bad: if you don’t regularly break promises and don’t scold your child for what you yourself allowed him to do, then there won’t be such dire consequences. However, it is worth remembering that we learn the habit of keeping our word from our parents, and this is a rather important social skill. Therefore, find the courage to be honest with yourself and with your child. If you are not sure that you can buy or do something, just say: “I will try, but I can’t promise.”

How to ask questions

Five important rules

So, all you need is some free time and the opportunity to reflect in silence.

The question you ask yourself should concern you exclusively.

Our unconscious knows everything about us and very little about others. “Will there be a magnetic storm on Mars tomorrow?” – the question is in the wrong place. You can ask questions that help you make a choice, clarify your own true desires and capabilities, suppressed feelings, and the causes of ailments.

Of course, the question should be relevant, and not asked out of idle curiosity.

The unconscious responds only in response to an important request; it should not be “disturbed” over trifles. Otherwise, it may turn out like in a fairy tale in which the boy shouted: “Wolves, wolves!” - for adults to come running to save him. They came running so many times on a false signal that later, when real danger came, they did not come to the rescue and the boy was eaten by wolves.

Positive wording of the question.

Avoid the particle “not”, the words “get rid”, “throw away”. Everything is very simple: unconsciously we never give up anything, we decide to save it “in reserve.” Remember the parable about Khoja Nasreddin? One moneylender was drowning in the lake; they held out their hands to him, shouting: “Give me your hand!” And only Khoja Nasreddin thought of extending help with the words: “Here, take it!” The greedy moneylender could not give anything, he could only take...

Any of our patterns or habits can come in handy sooner or later. Unconsciously, we only acquire new things, but do not give up the old. So don’t ask yourself “how to lose weight” or “quit smoking.” Look for a positive formulation: “How to motivate yourself to a healthy lifestyle, to get healthier?”

If you want a specific answer, your question must also be specific.

Without general words about “achieving universal happiness” and “absolute harmony.”

Being honest with yourself is important.

When asking a question, be prepared for the answer. Alas, sometimes we deceive ourselves. Remember how in the movie “Tootsie” the hero’s girlfriend asks him: “Tell me honestly, do you care about me anymore?” – and hears the answer “yes”. Tootsie is discouraged, she is not ready for this. "Oh no not this!" - exclaims the heroine.

If you yourself cannot find the answer to your question, you may not want to find out this information.

“Psychologists have their own psychologists. That is, they cannot provide support to themselves?

Passing through the problems and stories of different people is not an easy job, because the internal resource may be exhausted. That’s why psychologists need supervisors—senior colleagues with experience. They help to look at the client’s situation with a fresh look; you can share your own experiences with them and receive support. Mental hygiene is important for everyone, and we, psychologists, are also living people.

Universal advice: “What should I do if I feel like something is wrong with me?” Look for the reason for this feeling, think about it from different angles. Reflect on your childhood, on the words heard about you then and now. Analyze not only the past, but also the present. Your task is not to worry or be ashamed, but to find the irritant that provokes such thoughts. Be happy!

Questions to yourself

The so-called internal dialogue is needed for sorting knowledge, setting goals, forming the right thoughts, solving problems, and so on. It is very important to be able to dialogue with yourself. There are several rules for talking to yourself

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Address yourself as "you"

How often do you address yourself as “you” or call yourself by name? We almost always talk to “I” and this is not very effective, because the necessary distance is not observed. By speaking on a first-name basis, you can seem to look at the situation from the outside, and it will become easier for you to control yourself.