Psychologist's answers to parents' questions
1. Question: How to teach a child to behave confidently in a group of peers?
Psychologist's answer to parents' question: The science of psychology advises: it is advisable to teach this starting from a very early age. First of all, it is necessary for the child to begin communicating with peers as early as possible. And it is important to teach a child from this early age to independently solve his problems in communicating with peers. For example, when a child comes up with complaints about the bad behavior of another child (he took away a toy, fights), first ask him a question and give him time to answer what he is going to do about this, do not rush to scold him or offer him your help in solving these problems. Psychology states that it is important to praise a child for successes in creating and maintaining relationships and not to criticize him for failures. Evaluate your children's friends as little as possible. Strive to communicate a lot and easily, setting an example for your child to build friendly relationships. If a child fails in communication, it is useful to support him with your story that it was not always easy for you in this regard. Strive to increase the child's self-esteem. Even if your child is already old, it is useful to stop solving his problems for him if you notice that you are doing this. But some children, despite all your efforts, will still remain shy and timid for a long time. For such children, the only way is psychological training, because during the training, children can try new ways of communication in a safe environment (no one will offend them here).
* In the photo, Child Psychologist - Ekaterina Gaponova
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2. Question: How to teach a child to communicate calmly and clearly with people?
Psychologist's answer to a parent's question: If a child is worried in communication and begins to speak slurred from excitement, then you should be patient. Psychology recommends: do not force him to communicate if this can be avoided. You cannot criticize a child for his difficulties. It is worth telling him that these are temporary problems, that everything will work out if he tries. And it is very important, whenever a child tries to start communication, to find something to praise him for (You spoke better today, I know you were scared, but you did it, etc.). This problem is more common in families where the parents themselves are very dependent on the opinions of others and therefore it is important for them that their child looks good from the outside. In this case, parents also need to work on themselves, because... they convey their anxiety to the child.
3. Question: How to teach a child to concentrate?
Psychologist's answer to the parents' question: This is not a simple question, since there can be many psychological and non-psychological reasons why a child is distracted. If absent-mindedness manifests itself in everything, then perhaps you should consult a neurologist. If this concerns lessons, then you should not overload the child and should take more physical breaks in classes and create a positive emotional mood, praising for any successes, encouraging and removing criticism from communication. If this concerns the loss of things, then you can show the child that this will delay the purchase of a long-awaited toy, something he needs, etc. Or maybe in this way the child attracts your attention to himself? Read literature on psychology about how to properly pay attention to a child! (see below).
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4. Question: How to teach a child to listen carefully to other people?
The answer, but first a question: How do you determine how attentively he listens? If he spins around a lot, but still hears everything, then this is just his peculiarity and he perceives the material better when he spins. If he is easily distracted and does not hear anything at all, then the cause may be disinhibition (ask a neurologist this question). Maybe he doesn't get enough physical activity and just can't sit still? Boys find it difficult to cope with the school system, where they have to sit a lot. Or maybe the teacher doesn’t know how to captivate people with a story or maintain discipline in the classroom? Another possibility is that the child tries to attract the attention of adults in this way. This means that adults should learn to pay attention to him when the child behaves well, and not notice bad behavior. Because when we scold a child, we receive negative attention, which records the child’s incorrect behavior. If you want to talk about this in more detail, then come to a parent group (for parents about the psychology of children), where you will learn to influence your child’s behavior.
* In the photo, Child Psychologist - Ekaterina Gaponova
5. Question: How to influence teenagers, no matter what they contradict in word and deed?
Psychologist's answer to a parent's question: If your child of any age does not do everything as you advise him, this means that he feels like an adult and it seems to him that you have not noticed that he has already grown up and continue to consider him a child. Psychological advice: Try offering him your ideas in the form of a choice. When you want to achieve something from him, come up with not one, but two options for behavior, from which you invite him to choose the one he likes best. Then he will feel like an adult and it will be easier for him to accept your advice. Just try to offer two options that would suit you. (Will you take out the trash now or after lunch?). Try to raise the child’s importance in every way available to you (assign responsible and interesting tasks, praise, criticize less). Give more independence. If it doesn’t work out, then come to our parent group, we’ll figure out why it doesn’t work out. The fact is that we, as parents, can sometimes have a hidden benefit from the fact that our child has problems. And we ourselves are not always able to determine what it is.
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6. Question: How to build fortitude and resistance to bad influences?
Psychologist's answer to the parents' question: First, calm down, most likely, your child will not be worse than you, because... you raised him yourself. So that he can say “no” to bad influences, allow him to sometimes say “no” at home, do not break his will, do not enter into a fight. Recognize that he can already decide a lot on his own. (see previous question). If a child is happy at home, he will not go outside to seek happiness, so create psychological comfort for him. Creating a close relationship with a child can be a complete guarantee against the influence of the street. But this is a long-term job that not every parent can go through without psychological help. It is not enough to love a child, you need to be able to show it to him. This includes emotionally rich attention (15 minutes a day of warmth, games, conversation, with sympathy, but without criticism and choice, and much more). Some children need individual attention and other methods.
7. Question: How can I help survive difficult adolescence?
Psychologist's answer to a parent's question: From a psychological point of view, adolescence is really difficult; having ceased to be a child, a small person has not yet become an adult; hormonal changes, emotional instability and an attempt to separate from one's family and find oneself in the world of peers are added to this uncertainty. A child can react to every little thing, from our point of view, very painfully. The best way to support a child is to create emotional closeness with the child. All methods described in answers to questions 5 and 6 are suitable for this. You can also use “I am a statement.” It is a way of expressing our feelings without offending the other person. When you are dissatisfied with something, you can not say, “You haven’t cleaned your room again! You're dirty! - this is “you are a statement”, but you will say “I get annoyed when my family members don’t clean up after themselves!” The child will understand you better and will not be offended. But it’s better to practice “I am a statement” during training, because Everything is important here, even the tone of voice. Learn to correctly express your feelings and teach your child to do this. If from childhood we teach children to restrain their feelings, “Don’t cry, you’re big,” and so on, then as teenagers they suffer from accumulated problems in silence and get upset over all sorts of nonsense. When you express your feelings, even negative ones, children feel close to you, are not afraid to ask questions and listen to the answers they receive.
* In the photo, Child Psychologist - Olga Ilyina
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8. Question: How to prevent grief from developing into great grief? How to teach a child to highlight the important and the trifles (trifles)?
Psychologist's answer to the parents' question: Sometimes the child himself does not understand what exactly he is upset about. Real mental stress may not be caused by the things that make a child upset. If a child “explodes” because of any “nonsense,” then the real cause of the breakdown may be something else. This behavior indicates that there is some kind of mental tension in the child’s life, but what exactly can sometimes only be determined by a psychologist. In any case, it is worth recognizing the child’s right to experience strong feelings over trifles. A teenager has his own value system, and if this “trifle” is important to him, then acknowledge his feelings: “Yes, I understand how you feel! I feel for you. Tell me more." And let the child speak out. Not only do you need to express your feelings, but you also need to acknowledge your children's feelings. Don't worry, this increased sensitivity will pass. But don’t immediately rush in with your ready-made answers to his yet unasked questions or solve his problem for the child. First ask the question: “What do you think you can do about this? Do you need my help?". And respect the answer.
9. Question: How to teach a child to resist the aggression of adults, stronger people?
Psychologist's answer to the parents' question: First of all, if a traumatic event has occurred, the child needs your psychological support (see answer to question No. 8). Accepting his feelings. Then you should discuss the question of what he thinks can be done next time to prevent another person’s aggression, if it can be avoided. Further work depends on the type of aggression and the situation. Do not suppress the child’s innate aggression from childhood, but transfer it into a useful or acceptable direction (more details in the training). If aggression is dangerous, protect the child yourself.
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10. Question: How to teach a child correct behavior in society, in communication with the opposite sex?
Psychologist's answer to the parents' question: Incorrect behavior of a child in society and in communication with the opposite sex can be caused by various psychological reasons, so it is difficult to answer the question without a lengthy conversation. This behavior may be caused by a desire to attract attention, then the child should be taught other ways to attract attention, encourage positive ways and not notice negative ones. If you pay attention to a child’s bad behavior, it will be reinforced. This behavior can be caused by excess aggression, then it should be redirected (sports, games, drawings). If you raise a child in strictness, constantly restraining his aggressive tendencies at home, then they can find expression in public places. Where you can't control them that well. It is useful to provide more opportunities for communication with both boys and girls. Lead by example.
11. Question: How to increase a child’s self-esteem?
Psychologist's answer to the parents' question: Do not criticize, assign important responsible tasks (but do not overdo it), teach them to forgive mistakes (without blaming them, but guiding the child to find a way to correct them). From a psychological point of view, a mistake is a useful experience. Find 5 qualities in your child that you especially value in him and talk to him about this more often. Provide choice, i.e. treat him like a respected adult.
12. Question: How to help fight complexes?
Psychologist’s answer to the parents’ question: Psychological support: “I, too, sometimes feel the same way! A lot of kids go through this!” Compensation: “That’s why I have you like this...!” And everything that is listed in answer No. 11.
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13. Question: How to raise a child to be responsible and independent?
Psychologist's answer to the parents' question: Psychology recommends: Do not solve his child's problems for him, starting with the little things. If a child makes a complaint, ask the question: “What do you think should be done in this situation? What can you do next time to avoid getting into such a situation?” . Seeing the “zero”, that is, noticing not what the child did not succeed, but what he accomplished from what was assigned. Do not allow permissiveness: if a child has acted badly, then he must correct his mistake, but this must be offered to him firmly and with love. Not as a punishment. It is important to assign responsible tasks that are significant for you and the child, but feasible for him. Shopping at the store, paying bills, etc.
14. Question: How to increase a child’s chances of being successful, thriving in life, able to find a way out of any situation and solve any problem?
Psychologist's answer to the parents' question: Avoid nicknames of characteristics that limit the child's abilities and success: lazy, stupid, mediocre. Avoid phrases: “If you study like this, you won’t achieve anything in life,” because These phrases form the life scenario of a defeatist, an unsuccessful person. Use phrases of psychological support: “If you always do this, you will achieve a lot.” Do not compare the child (especially in a bad way) with other people (brothers, sisters, parents, etc. Compare the child only with yourself: “You began to study more, better take care of yourself." In order to instill interest in learning, it is advisable to pay attention when praising not to the result, but to the process. And to see the “zero”, i.e., all the good things that the child does. Do not solve the child’s problems for himself. ( More details on the parent group.)
* In the photo, Child Psychologist - Olga Ilyina
15. Question: How to improve relationships between brothers and sisters?
The psychologist's answer to the parents' question: Do not compare them with each other. Allow you to have your own things that you don’t have to share. Strive to ensure that they themselves make peace and resolve their conflicts, do not blame one of them, even the older one, for all the mistakes they make. Strive to be treated equally, regardless of age and other characteristics. If they have negative feelings towards each other (including jealousy), then do not prohibit them, because the suppressed feeling persists. And accept them: “I understand your feelings, I probably felt the same way if I were you.” But don’t “feel sorry” for the victim for too long, but let them figure out what happened, it’s better without your participation. “I’ll come back when you make peace...”
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16. How to turn a shy child into a confident leader?
Psychologist's answer to parents' question: Trainings help best here. But not all children gain self-confidence equally quickly. You can help your child with this if you sometimes allow him to be a leader at home, encourage his success in overcoming his shyness with praise and follow the advice from the answer to question No. 15. Give him a choice more often (see answer No. 5).
17. How to teach a child to manage his feelings?
Psychologist's answer to a parent's question: Sometimes children are born with character traits that lead to excessive sensitivity and emotional instability. Sometimes you need to accept a child for who he is. But you can help your child not to aggravate these qualities. First, you should acknowledge the child’s feelings (see answer No. 15), then calmly, without excessive prolonged sympathy, invite him to move on to actions to correct the situation or think about how this can be done.
18. What should you do if you can’t spend much time with your family or can’t earn enough money for your children’s needs?
Psychologist's answer to the parents' question: The first thing you can do is to relieve yourself of the feeling of guilt. Children don't need all your time or extra money to fully develop. But your feeling of guilt can lead to the fact that they will use it and beg you for something, things, benefits, concessions, etc. You can't jump over your head, crawl out of your skin and dramatically increase your income. And you can easily compensate for the lack of time spent with children with emotionally rich attention (see answer No. 6).
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19. What to do if a child does not know how to communicate outside the family?
Psychologist's answer to the parents' question: Sometimes this happens when communication in the family is too close, close, the child satisfies all his needs there and there is no need for him to communicate outside the family, when he is surrounded by care in every possible way. Try to give him more freedom in the family (choice, etc.), recognize him as an adult and stop patronizing him in every possible way. Gently and affectionately, but put him in such conditions when he will be forced to communicate more with the outside world. More responsible assignments, support and praise for independence.
20. How to make a child psychologically invulnerable?
Psychologist's answer to parents' question: Teach to treat mistakes and troubles as interesting life lessons. Look for the good in everything, even in failures and mistakes. Recognize children’s feelings (answer No. 17) and support them to the extent possible, teach them to solve problems through actions, not through feelings. Develop self-confidence (answer #16).
21. How to deal with laziness in a child?
Psychologist's answer to the parents' question: This is not easy to do, it is better with the help of a psychologist.
If a child irritates you by not doing anything, then he seems to be unconsciously fighting for power. In this case, it is worth using the following methods: make him feel significant (important assignments), allow him to say “no,” provide a choice, consult on complex problems, make mutually beneficial decisions, sometimes cede leadership to him, let him teach you something.
If a child, when he doesn’t want to do something, makes you feel sorry for him, then he seems to be avoiding what he should do. Then the actions can be as follows: stop regretting, believe that he can do more on his own than he does, notice what he succeeds and praise for it, divide difficult tasks into parts and assign them in parts.
* In the photo, Child Psychologist - Ekaterina Gaponova
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22. How to deal with the manifestation of touchiness in a child?
Psychologist's answer to a parent's question: If a child has something to be offended by, then acknowledge his feelings and sympathize. But touchiness can also be a way of manipulating other people. If it manifests itself in relation to you, then do not pay attention, then it will lose its meaning. If in relation to others, then kindly explain to the child that this is not fair.
23. How to deal with a child’s inability to give in?
Psychologist's answer to the parents' question: If this manifests itself in relation to you, then set an example and sometimes give in yourself, plus use the advice from answer No. 21 (first part), because this is a struggle for power. If in relation to others, then try not to interfere or simply explain to the child what he is doing (struggle for power), that sometimes it is useful in life, but not always, sometimes it is better to come to an amicable agreement.
24. What to do if a child is aggressive?
Psychologist's answer to the parents' question: It is impossible to suppress aggression with punishment. If a child has a weak type of temperament, then he will break down and will obey everyone in life and will achieve nothing. If strong, then the child will harbor a grudge and will unconsciously take revenge on you or other people. Suppressed aggression can also turn into diseases. Aggression should be redirected into games, drawings, stories, sports, etc.
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25. How to explain to a child that he is loved?
Psychologist's answer to the parents' question: The best way is emotionally intense attention. Compassion without criticism or advice. It is important to make the child feel “needed” for the family, his importance, by entrusting important tasks.
26. How to teach respect and love for yourself and others?
Psychologist's answer to a parent's question: Notice all the good, even if there is little of it. Respect and love him: by providing a choice, recognizing his right to negative feelings towards himself and others, teaching him to express them in the correct form (I-statement). Choose for yourself five of his best qualities, discuss them with him and remember them more often. Love him unconditionally (i.e. just like that, not for his actions). Forgive him for his mistakes. Explain to him that a mistake is a useful experience (for a beaten two not beaten...). Forgive him more.
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27. What to do if children call names and fight?
Psychologist's answer to a parent's question: If the children are small, then do something unexpected.
Hug both of them by the shoulders, silently look into their eyes with love, when they calm down, take the next step.
Accept their feelings: “I understand that you are angry with each other.”
Express your feelings: “When you fight, I am very upset that my children are not friendly.”
Next, either leave the room with the words: “I trust you and hope that you will figure it out yourself in a different way,” or take them to their rooms, saying: “I see you need time to calm down. Come back when you calm down."
When the children calm down, if they are old enough, ask what the problem was and ask them to talk without insulting each other. Ask: “How do you feel when you fight and call names?... Maybe you should look for other ways to solve the problem”? Invite them to negotiate between the two winners, either themselves or in your presence. Praise them if it works.
Remember all the time that all this must be done firmly, but with love. Either right away, until you get angry, or take a break (timeout) to calm down before you start reconciling the children. Remember that children often fight and argue only for your love, so treat them equally, do not try to blame one of them. Perhaps someone else provoked him.
For prevention: never compare children, do not praise one, do not constantly criticize the other, even if he is older and more stubborn, he is also the same child. Find time for each child separately.
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28. What to do if a child is stubborn?
Psychologist's answer to parents' question: Observe your feelings. If you are angry, then the child is fighting for power (this often happens during age-related crises). If the child is small, then do something unexpected, reduce it to a joke or a game, with age all this will pass, be patient and do not react painfully. Your strong negative reaction (negative attention) can only reinforce the child’s incorrect behavior.
For prevention, give your child some commands somewhere.
If the child is an adult, then think about whether you can give in; if you can, give in; if not, negotiate between the two winners (“You’re right, but I’m also right, what will we do?” and look for a solution with humor).
If you feel when a child is stubborn not only anger, but also resentment, then first you should take a timeout (pause for yourself), calm down, remember 5 good qualities of your child, remember that everything he does, he does in order to attract your attention (love). And only then do everything described above.
29. How to ensure that a child “hears” a request?
Psychologist's answer to a parent's question: Children stop hearing our requests if we either ask often and do not allow them to say “no” in response to a request, or when we ask but do not get our requests fulfilled. Now it takes a lot of work to change the situation. You can try the following. First, start listening to the child’s own requests. Secondly, allow him to sometimes say “no”, thirdly, when you ask him to behave this way.
Get down to the same level as the child, face to face, and convincingly and briefly, looking into the eyes, make a request, briefly explaining why you are asking. And don’t leave until he does it, seeking fulfillment by any means (jokes, hints, silent looks in the eyes, etc....). Or at least a clear answer “NO” if you can accept it. And you need to behave this way for a long time and not be lazy, achieving what you want every time. Then the child will come to terms with the fact that he will have to do something without keeping silent and his behavior will change, but if you repeat your requests 20 times while lying on the sofa, then everything will remain as it is.
30. How to rebuild the “I myself” principle for positive purposes?
Psychologist's answer to the parents' question: This “principle” is an indicator of the growth of your child’s personality and should be encouraged and tolerated in cases where it is useful for the child (dresses himself, eats, etc. skills) and even praised. When this “principle” interferes with you, then it is useless and even harmful to give a sharp negative reaction; here you need a creative approach: once to distract, another time to reduce it to a game, the third time to laugh it off, the fourth time to come to an agreement. And sometimes you just have to be patient. If you don't get angry it will go away on its own!
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31. How to properly refuse or prohibit (for example, TV)?
Psychologist's answer to the parents' question: First, determine exactly what you consider necessary to prohibit the child (make a list).
Check if it is too long, because... extra “don’ts” traumatize the child.
Make it as short as possible, removing from it everything you are willing to tolerate.
What you left on the list, be prepared to stand firmly (without a shadow of a doubt, otherwise, if they feel doubts, the children will not back down. Do not change the list of “don’ts” depending on your mood.
If a prohibited item can be made inaccessible (or not included), then do this to reduce the number of pointless conflicts with your child.
Having said “you can’t,” briefly explain to your child why and help him fulfill your prohibition (sometimes simply by physically removing him from the forbidden object gently and lovingly), because Children's desires are still stronger than their ability to stop themselves. It’s good if you can distract him or offer him another equally interesting activity. Sympathize with the child: “I understand that you are angry because I ... forbade you, you can cry if you want, but I really can’t allow you to. “You know, sometimes I also want what I can’t.” But don't give in. Do something unexpected, come up with a calming ritual. Dream with your child about the unattainable (compensation in mental reality).
If it doesn’t work out, then look for your unconscious “benefit”. (Attracting father's attention, receiving missing emotions).
* In the photo, Child Psychologist - Olga Ilyina
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32. What to do if a child is capricious: “I want to go for a walk, but I won’t get dressed!” ?
Psychologist's answer to the parents' question: Here you need to try different methods. Creative search. And distract, and explain, and agree in advance, and come up with games, and joke (let’s go for a walk, and leave the one who doesn’t want to at home”).
You shouldn’t ask a question that always gets you “no, I don’t want to.”
Come up with rituals, offering a choice of clothes, a choice of route (instead of “Let’s get dressed!”, “Are you going to dress yourself or will someone dress you?”, “Shall we take the elevator or walk?” and more).
33. How to develop a child’s concentration?
Psychologist's answer to a parent's question: There are no special exercises for young children to develop concentration.
And the best way to do this is in games. Any interesting activity for a child is a development of attention. You can play with a well-understanding child games like “edible - not edible”, cotton games (“when you hear the word ... - clap”, etc.). You can come up with such games yourself.
* In the photo, Child Psychologist - Ekaterina Gaponova
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FIND OUT the details of the PROMOTION for children's consultations!
Problematic
A kindergarten psychologist also solves problem situations. His competence includes:
- identifying problems in children;
- analysis of problems and decision-making - whether specialist consultation and specific treatment are required, or whether the problem can be solved by a psychologist;
- assistance in resolving conflict situations;
- working in problematic or unusual situations with children, their parents and kindergarten staff;
- Conducting private lessons with children to solve their problems.
As a rule, clear restrictions are established for the psychologist and functions are prescribed that he no longer has the right to perform. Let's look at them in more detail.
How tests for girls and young women can help
- Find out more about your character, your pros and cons.
- Decide on the type of guy that will suit you.
- how to get along with relatives, friends, teachers and resolve conflicts at school and family;
- choose a future profession, which will greatly simplify the choice of university for admission;
- what is the best pet to get.
In addition, there are also very unusual tests, especially tests for girls 14 years old. Any girl, having gone through them, can get good advice on caring for her appearance, find out what celebrity she is like, her prospects for the future and a lot of different useful information.
It's no secret that at about the age of 13-14, girls already have their first boyfriends. Therefore, for girls of this age, tests for 14-year-old girls are suitable, with the help of which you can find out compatibility with all the guys you like and choose your prince from them. You can even find tests that will answer questions about your wedding date or number of children. Of course, you shouldn’t blindly believe the test results, but they can quite lift the mood and self-confidence of a young lady. It is very fun to take such tests in the company of girlfriends, and then actively discuss the results and your likes. For cheerful groups of friends, there are also humorous tests that are ways to amuse friends during parties or friendly meetings. On the Internet, such tests can be taken absolutely free and they do not require any SMS messages to receive an answer.
Excursion into history
Probably everyone will remember the wonderful questionnaires from their childhood with various questionnaires. And at what age did they start making them? Yes, around 13-14 years old. It is at this age that the body begins to mature, and with it the consciousness of the future woman; she begins to be interested in guys, learn their interests and preferences. It was for this purpose that the questionnaires were compiled. Remember those weird questions? Sometimes I didn’t really want to answer questions. But such questionnaire tests were very popular. As soon as you let one guy fill out the form in class or on the street, there were many more people willing to do it.
With the development of technology, girls’ interest in questionnaires has faded, but their analogues exist in social networks and various applications on modern smartphones. Thus, we can say that only the test shell has changed. They migrated from notebooks to the Internet and phones and tablets. Well, all the most important and interesting things remain!
It doesn’t matter which test a girl chooses for herself, the main thing is that she will get useful information from it in any case. Tests will help solve some vital issues or just cheer you up. For young girls, tests become something like a personal psychologist, because they answer all questions honestly, since there is no point in hiding their personal affairs and questions.
Video: Psychological tests on drawing
Every living language is constantly changing, adding new words and losing old ones. Now we are seeing how, thanks to new means of communication, the Russian language is expanding so actively that it is impossible to keep track of neologisms.
