First, parents set themselves the task of educating their child at school, then - helping him graduate from college. Then an older child has a housing problem, and the parents are happy to solve it. Sometimes it happens that a married child puts his “other half” on the neck of his parents. This can go on indefinitely. Why do adult children not want to work, and how to cope with this problem? Psychologists believe that the reluctance or inability of mature children to provide for themselves and leave the parental home is directly related to the psychological immaturity of a person stuck between childhood and independent life. There are several reasons for this, and, unfortunately, most of them were provoked by parents.
What to do?
First of all, parents need to start living their own lives, find other interests besides caring for their grown child. No matter how strong the desire to teach, protect and protect, you will have to give the adult child the opportunity to live independently. Parents will really help their offspring if they assist him in finding a job, for example, writing a resume, jointly searching for suitable vacancies, asking relatives and friends to find a job for their son or daughter. If the child continues to idle, it is necessary to reduce his material combination to a minimum and apply other repressive actions.
Signs of depression - symptoms of “disease”
The states of human depression manifest themselves in quite a variety of ways, and, in most cases, they affect the body as a whole. It is the complex symptoms that help specialists accurately diagnose the disease, and this, in turn, helps prescribe correct and effective treatment.
A doctor can prescribe certain medications, as well as concomitant therapy, only after conducting a general diagnosis of the patient’s mental disorder.
As a rule, the physiological signs of depression differ from person to person.
For example, most people lose their appetite, and for some, on the contrary, it increases significantly during the period of illness. The same feature applies to problems with adequate human sleep. One patient may suffer from insomnia, while another may constantly want to sleep and feel tired around the clock.
Symptoms of depression are divided into several groups based on associated symptoms.
Symptom No. 1. Emotional manifestations of depression in humans
- Interest in life and the world around us decreases or disappears.
- Increased irritability, even for no particular reason.
- Depressed mood, feeling of melancholy and despair.
- Feelings of helplessness and guilt in any situation.
- Low self-esteem.
- State of anxiety and panic.
- Anxiety, for example, about your loved ones.
- Inability to be content with previously favorite hobbies.
- Expectation of a catastrophe and other unforeseen events.
- Loss of emotional sensitivity.
Symptom No. 2. Physiological manifestations of depression in humans
- Painful sensations of a psychosomatic nature. For example, arms, legs, stomach, heart, head, etc. hurt.
- Disturbance or lack of sleep.
- Low performance.
- Disorders of the human digestive system.
- Increased fatigue, even with minor physical exertion.
- Increased appetite, or its complete absence.
- Decreased sexual desire, up to the occurrence of impotence (in men).
- Weakness during any physical activity.
Symptom No. 3. Significant changes in people's behavior
- Alcohol abuse.
- Tendency to loneliness and unwillingness to communicate with other people.
- Lack of desire for entertainment and hobbies.
- Use of psychotropic and narcotic substances to improve mood.
- Passive life position.
- Replacing important, necessary and urgent tasks is a waste of time.
- Preference for a sedentary or lying lifestyle.
Symptom No. 4. Cognitive disorders of the human nervous system.
- Difficulty in making any independent decisions.
- Loss of clarity of thinking and inability to concentrate on anything specific.
- Loss of ability to concentrate your thoughts.
- Lack of attention.
- Periodic thoughts about committing suicide.
As with any disease, be it a cold or a cough, if depression is not treated promptly with the right medications, the patient’s condition will worsen every day.
At the same time, the number of symptoms of the disease and their severity increases, which can even lead to patient suicide, especially when considering teenage depression.
It is not uncommon for a sick person’s thinking to be so critical that they can easily be mistaken for a person’s dementia, instead of a serious mental disorder associated with an advanced state of depression.
Often the disease is accompanied by increased attraction of one’s own attention to life’s problems. The patient, as a rule, is completely sure that he has a mental or physical illness.
In order for a doctor to correctly diagnose and prescribe appropriate treatment, a stable (at least 14 days) presence of any of the above signs of depression in a person is required.
How can I get her to get a job?
It's time to talk about how to get your adult daughter to work if she doesn't want anything and has no goals in life.
- A spirit of healthy competition is required. Talk about the successes of her friends, former classmates and classmates. At first, of course, she will take this with hostility, but sooner or later a thought will arise in her head: if they could, then why am I still inactive?
- Limit the budget and explain that the family has some financial problems. Talk about it. Every year the needs of your adult daughter grow, and you cannot provide for her until the end of her days.
ADVICE! Explain that getting a job is additional money that your daughter can use more freely: her financial independence will somehow improve the family’s situation.
- Help your daughter create an action plan with more specific actions and examples. There are people who perfectly follow instructions, but planning is not their strong point. Perhaps your daughter is the same. Explain the basic principles of independent living and tell me what can be changed right now to become a real adult.
- Explain to your daughter that you are not disappearing from her life forever. Yes, she will start living separately and will support herself. But you are always glad to see her in your parents' house and are always ready to support her if something goes wrong.
- Don't be afraid to ask your friends for help.
IMPORTANT! If you have useful connections that will help you get a job at least initially, then use them. It's better than sitting at home and suffering from lack of fulfillment.
- Make sure your daughter has the starting credentials. What's the point of looking for a good job without education and basic skills? Maybe it's worth devoting time to studying? Then help your child decide on the area in which he can find himself.
How to get a job - advice from a psychologist
If an adult with established views on life does not want to go to work, forcing him to change the situation is practically useless.
However, you have no choice: if you wish your offspring well, endure his rebellion and do not react to aggression towards you. Understand that these measures are necessary for you too.
Who wants to support a capable guy for the rest of his life who is wasting his time and youth? Let's figure out how to get an adult son to work. Psychologists recommend several effective, practice-tested methods.
- First, try to calmly have a heart-to-heart talk with your son.
Ask him about his plans for the future.
QUESTION! What does he dream about? What is it striving for? How do you see your life in 10, 20 years? What is he going to do to make his plans a reality?
Maybe your child has a specific problem that prevents him from going to work, but he just can’t voice it out loud because of embarrassment?
Do not rush to create scandals and pour out a tub of accusations. Sometimes you just need to listen to a person: understanding gives great relief.
- Stop funding all your son's wants.
Yes, this is a very harsh option, but in some cases it really works. This type of shock therapy may be helpful.
The effect is especially noticeable if we are dealing with a young man who is well aware that his parents will always come to the rescue. He doesn't work because of arrogance and laziness.
BY THE WAY! War with your own child is terrible and unnatural, but believe me: it is likely that in the future he will thank you for such a wise lesson.
As a rule, men begin to change something when they realize that they shouldn’t wait for help. There is also some parental guilt in this: excessive care and blind love can play a cruel joke and cause a lot of trouble for all family members.
Understand that you are not eternal. You won't always be able to lend your shoulder to your child. He is no longer a little boy, but an adult. And he must bear responsibility for his existence, namely, get a job so as not to disappear in our cruel world.
- Begin to gradually destroy the young man’s faith in his chosenness and uniqueness.
In psychology there is a term “narcissistic depression”. It occurs when a person experiences a severe personal crisis. He was used to getting the best without much effort, everyone around him told him how special he was.
But at one fine moment life breaks the rose-colored glasses. It turns out that success takes hard work and never comes in a couple of days. A narcissist is not used to this state of affairs.
ADVICE! To break the vicious circle of “This option is not good enough for me,” your son must receive praise in portions, in doses.
Every small victory is already good. Have you found some promising vacancies? Did you go for an interview? Well done! And when your son is finally accepted, show him an article about how to join the team at a new job.
- Cultivate an interest in other people.
Start discussing with your son the details of the stars’ careers, their life paths, and the difficulties they face every day. Constantly include more and more new faces in the dialogue.
Why is this necessary? So that a man begins to be interested in something else other than himself and his mental torment. In addition, other people's experiences often lead us to the right thoughts regarding our own destiny.
Senseless reflection directed inside one's ego will ultimately destroy the nervous system. It is necessary to start analyzing the actions of others and, perhaps, copy someone’s script.
- Try to get involved in the rehabilitation process.
Create a selection of vacancies and explain to your son why this or that position is suitable for him. Of course, you cannot and should not make the choice for him.
Often this is simply impossible: only he himself is able to sensibly assess his capabilities and skills, based on his existing experience and education (if any).
IMPORTANT! Any action is healthier than lying on the couch. Self-pity makes a person weak - do not feel sorry for your son.
Present information positively, without lengthy lectures and lectures - with them you only worsen the well-being of your son and all household members. A new vacancy is a new chance to make changes for the better.
- Teach your son motivation if it didn’t work out before.
Show with small examples that dreams can come true if you just want to. Give examples of people who managed to conquer themselves and reach heights.
In general, educational aspects need to be paid attention to in childhood, but if you missed this detail, try now. It is very important for a young man to feel significance, the wind of change.
Don't overdo it with criticism and reproaches. It is clear that you are very upset: your beloved son did not live up to expectations. But you hoped that he would become the pride of the family and help you!
However, remember that parental support is perhaps the most important component of every person’s success in life.
How to convince your son of the need to work or study?
And mine is almost 26. I regret that I didn’t let my father beat him as a child. We are saving money for relocation. Also - 2 meters, man. I’m also afraid. Maybe he’ll push you, obscenities... Give me everything, give me everything. He also accuses me of pettiness... He walks around at night, but when he has no money, he plays games on the computer. They said everywhere (kindergarten, school, college) - he’s extremely smart (intellect is very high) And they sent me to the army (for 2 years), I left myself, as I felt they would expel me. It was of no use. My father took me to his factory (as I sensed that they would kick me out, the academy took me). They say he’s very lazy. He works part-time during the holidays (his father forces him) - he lets it all go right away. He smoked the plan (they cheated on the test). But now he doesn’t seem to smoke (judging by his behavior) and has become quieter. The main thing is that sometimes he seems quite good. While “following the rules” they took him to church (he doesn’t go now), Father spoke to him. To a psychologist, a psychiatrist (to be sure, these were a long time ago), they said - high intelligence, enviable mental health, well understands what is bad and what is good - but there is no goal. Send me, they say, “shit, sorry, eat” somewhere, so that he can answer for himself. I was sent to the army at the age of 20. There they kept him in training (as he was smart). Nobody offended him. They are very careful about this. He respected the commanders - good people, he says. But apparently he smoked the plan. When he came, he behaved inappropriately. Our walls were punched through (plasterboard), I flew into a rage more than once -. Right in the morning in the bathroom and there, too, with fists against the wall... Now, however, this hasn’t happened for two years... The army gave him a very personal description, apparently they know him well (yes, on the other hand, they know him! There are 2 people in him, as if ) - at least for president with such a characteristic. But... I returned to college... And I got lazy again. Now I have switched to the 4th year. They should kick him out!!! And girls happen. When there is money. But not for long. You can’t take away the food. Dad gives money for the trip (buys seasonal tickets) - but if he doesn’t give it, it’s their fault that they’ll kick him out of the institute. He makes money on cigarettes with computer advertisements (for friends). Or someone gets their coursework from the Internet. - they will thank him... I don’t even go into his room anymore, he will come on his own when my father is not there - a scandal begins out of the blue. He doesn’t clean up after himself, there’s even a smell in the room, all the things are lying on the floor and under the sofa, even those that are still in winter…. One day I washed everything, put it away, hung it in the closet - I didn’t say thank you, but in the morning everything was lying all over the room again and there was a mountain of dirty dishes... I was ashamed to even write... So what should I do! I pray and I hope. Now, I feel like he will be normal, ordinary... But not right away...
Causes of infantile behavior
Let's figure out why an adult daughter doesn't want to work? In fact, the reasons are repeated from case to case. Here they are.
- The most common issue is housing.
Parents dream that their daughter will find a good position and move out of her parents’ apartment, but it’s not that simple. Renting a home now is not a cheap pleasure; not every young professional can cope with such a life without the help of their parents.
Buying an apartment is a rather risky and burdensome matter. Times have changed: now it is useless to wait for an apartment as a gift from the state.
It is for this reason that young people live with their parents for a long time - simply due to lack of financial opportunity. By the way, we have already described a similar situation when an adult son does not want to work.
- It's very scary to enter adulthood.
Life at home has already been established: mom and dad will buy everything, cook, do laundry, pay bills, remind you of important matters, and supervise. Independent living presupposes that a person is responsible for every step he takes.
BY THE WAY! It is likely that the girl is afraid of unnecessary headaches and is deliberately postponing the onset of “competence.”
This problem is often faced by spoiled children who were so loved by their household that they were not allowed to do anything around the house. Unfortunately, overprotection inevitably affects independence.
- Fear of the unknown.
The girl would be happy to earn money, but she is terribly afraid of interviews, a new team, responsibilities, budget planning...
Even a seemingly prepared child initially experiences difficulties during social adaptation. Everything comes with experience, but if you endlessly delay this moment and live with your parents, then over time the situation will only get worse.
- Excessive control from father and mother.
Parents should also think about it: maybe they are unconsciously preventing their daughter from developing? After all, it is much calmer when a daughter lives according to the family schedule, spends as much money as she should, and is always under supervision.
IMPORTANT! It is difficult for a young girl to free herself from such control. But separation is inevitable - parents do not last forever, and you need to rely only on yourself.
- Parents do not believe in the child.
Do you think your daughter is too childish, incompetent, weak and absent-minded? Then don’t be surprised that she listens to you and is in no hurry to go to work even after graduation. Why if she doesn't know how to do anything?
- Mother and father strive to protect their daughter from all sorts of problems that they had to face in their youth.
Having gone through trials and experienced adversity themselves, they want the child to live as comfortably and carefree as possible. Unfortunately, this is a disservice: in such a family a girl will grow up unable to take care of herself. A dependent person is always weak and vulnerable.
What to do
It is very difficult, almost impossible, to force an adult to work when he does not want to. The fact is that a mature personality wants to manage his life independently. Most likely, the grown-up offspring will rebel in every possible way and show an extreme degree of indignation. Despite all the dissatisfaction, parents should act as straightforwardly and firmly as possible. Otherwise, you will never be able to remove the overgrown fellow from your neck, who lives for his own pleasure and does not want to change anything.
Thoughts about the future
If you don’t know where to start a conversation with your son about his employment, then it’s best to start thinking about the future. During such conversations, it will become clear what he dreams of, what plans he has. Before bringing serious accusations against a person, it is necessary to listen to him and give him the opportunity to explain himself. Who better than parents to know their child? When a person tries to hide something or provoke a quarrel, it is quite noticeable and immediately catches the eye. Joint thoughts about the future will help the young man make up his mind, and parents will better understand him.
Sources
- https://narabote.club/process/motivatsiya/vzroslaya-doch-ne-hochet-rabotat.html
- https://megiz.ru/motivation/298-vzroslyj-syn-ne-khochet-rabotat-chto-delat
- https://narabote.club/process/motivatsiya/syn-ne-hochet-rabotat-chto-delat.html
- https://apatii.net/otnosheniya/roditeli-i-deti/esli-vzroslye-deti-ne-xotyat-rabotat
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