Family life does not always bring pleasure to partners if misunderstandings and quarrels occur between them. First you need to understand that due to different characters and temperaments, people are prone to clashes of opinions and disputes.
There cannot be a universal solution to how to stop arguing with your wife, but there are effective psychological techniques on how to reduce such situations to a minimum. We recommend that you consider the causes of quarrels in marriage, how to prevent them, how to reconcile correctly, and what definitely should not be done.
The most common causes of quarrels between spouses
The most common problem with which people turn to psychologists is that we constantly argue with our wife, what should we do? Because of the differences between people, they converge, because of this they conflict. Here it is important to recognize what pushes minor misunderstandings to turn into scandals, and then learn the correct behavior.
Here are some common reasons why my wife and I quarrel:
- Unjustified expectations . At first, lovers idealize each other and their future together. But after some time, the realization comes that there are many disadvantages in the character of a loved one.
- Financial difficulties . The issue of money becomes acute in many families, especially when children appear. Women worry whether their husband's salary will be enough to provide for the family. And men accuse them of wastefulness or commercialism.
- Problems in bed . Different temperaments lead to sexual dissatisfaction of one partner in another. At the beginning of a relationship, people are driven by passion; after a while, the difference in needs becomes visible.
- Jealousy, betrayal. The previous reason, that is, dissatisfaction of one of the spouses, can lead to communication on the side. Cheating completely destroys trust, which is why relationships turn into continuous quarrels and conflicts. And even if there was no betrayal, constant suspicions are accompanied by bursts of irritation and resentment.
- Persistent participation of relatives. The opinions of third parties, even if they are parents or close relatives, can greatly harm the relationship between spouses. It is important to avoid interference from third parties as much as possible.
- The struggle for leadership. Often in couples, competition begins to appear over time, when everyone wants to be a strong decider. Suppression of personality leads to negative emotions and quarrels.
- Bad habits . If one of the partners begins to abuse alcohol, drugs, or smoking, the other will not be happy with this state of affairs.
- Different interests . Difference of opinion is a small part that creates problems. It is much worse when spouses have different life priorities and principles. It will be simply unbearable to be around.
- The appearance of a child. This is always a difficult period for couples, as it is accompanied by serious changes in their established lives. Increased tension will lead to frequent quarrels.
- Constantly spending time together . There are also couples who spend all their free time together. And when this becomes more frequent, irritation may occur against the background of oversaturation. No one has canceled separate holidays, but some are fundamentally opposed to this.
Explicit and hidden needs
When frequent scandals begin in a family, the complaint itself is not always the reason. More often than not, it's just the opposite. People hide the true causes of the conflict and quarrel over things that are not really that important.
For example, the husband begins to express his dissatisfaction with his wife’s housekeeping skills: “You don’t meet me from work for dinner,” “You completely forgot about cleaning,” “I went to work again without ironing my pants.” Even if you “correct” the next day, you won’t see your spouse’s satisfied face; he will still find something to complain about.
This indicates precisely that the claim expressed to you is not significant. A man is concerned about completely different problems, which, for some reason, he does not want to tell you about. One can only guess what the answer to the question is: “Why does he behave this way.”
Perhaps he is overcome by stress and dissatisfaction at work, he is worried that you have begun to pay more attention to the child, your husband is thinking about divorce, and so on. The problem seems so delicate to your spouse that he does not dare share it with you. How can you talk about such things in principle, especially when you are not sure of the correctness of your judgments?
Such conversations can put him in an awkward position. He will look weak in your eyes. Who would want to consciously take a position that is not advantageous?
You will have to be patient to find out the real reason, since even a frank conversation most likely will not work. If you start asking what really worries a man at a moment when he is not ready for a conversation, this will only cause a new wave of indignation: “Do you think I’m just being picky?”
He is unlikely to admit it, but he will gladly accuse you of all mortal sins again: “You also think that my claims are not justified. Great!".
I must warn you that in fact, your spouse may not suspect that the reason really lies in something else and sacredly believe that he sincerely wishes you well and is trying to do better. He moves away from his real experiences, delving into correcting your mistakes. It's also much easier.
How to stop quarreling
Constant quarrels with your wife can sooner or later get worse, which inevitably leads to separation. To avoid such irreparable consequences, one of the partners must show wisdom, if not both. Psychologists share tips on how to stop conflicts, get away from them in a timely manner or reduce them to nothing.
Analyze the most common reasons
Any problem requires an understanding of its nature. If you want to stop constant quarrels with your spouse, find the root of the evil. The best way is to talk calmly and frankly about what is bothering her and making her angry. And then do everything to neutralize the provoking factors. Think about what most often throws you off balance.
Learn to conduct a dialogue
Remember that the desire to scream, swear, blame, cry is not a model of behavior, not a dialogue between you. This is just a desire to release negative emotions. This is all necessary, but not during the conversation. Do you want her to understand your difficult emotional state? Just say directly that it’s difficult for you and you want support. Learn to talk about yourself and your desires without reproaching your spouse. The best psychological technique is “I-messages”.
Listen to your wife's words
You can quarrel with your wife even because of banal inattention to her and her words. To correct this state of affairs, try to be objective in all situations, even if it is sometimes not to please your own inner voice. If a woman is trying to convey something to you, make an effort to understand her, accept her position, draw conclusions.
Try not to raise your voice
There is a saying, “A quiet voice can be heard far away.” It concerns the fact that often emotional people in the heat of a quarrel become louder, which is why they cannot hear each other even more. In psychology there is such a technique - a quarrel in a whisper. Do you want your partner to hear you? Don't try to talk over him, switch to a whisper, and he will have to lower his tone to hear your words. A man must control himself and step aside at peak moments to cool down.
Spend more time together
To maintain interest in each other, spouses need to regularly expand their horizons, read educational literature, and visit interesting places together. This will give you a lot of new ideas for an exciting dialogue and relieve you of the burdens of everyday life and family routine. Have you noticed that your wife is often irritated? Provide her with interesting leisure time outside the home, this will fill her with new positive emotions.
Do you and your wife have romantic dates?
Not really
How to prevent family scandals
They say that in pre-Orthodox times, long before Domostroy, every family had a tradition of “making love” on Saturdays. It's not what you might think. Simply, the two halves of the family told what they were unhappy with, irritated, or didn’t like in their partner’s behavior and attitude, while listening carefully to each other. Perhaps there was no such tradition, but you can introduce it in order to avoid scandals in the family. We’re just saying everything that doesn’t suit you, don’t be shy about it: an adequate husband or wife will understand and try to fix it.
We also try not to provoke our other half with stupid phrases from the series “I told you a thousand times”, “Don’t you understand”, “You are just like your mother”, “But you yourself...” and much more from your parents’ repertoire. Unfortunately, mom and dad may be wrong, but you can live differently.
Better together. Joint activities are simply necessary in the family, and this does not mean watching TV in the evening. Let you have common hobbies, be it art or sports, raising children, etc. It is important here not to criticize your spouse’s mistakes too much.
If something doesn’t work out in the family, you don’t need to reduce your demands on yourself or your significant other. There is nothing more humiliating for a husband, and a woman should be of such a high level that her husband would be drawn to her. Develop together, communicate with a variety of people, spend vacations together, read and attend interesting events.
What else will help prevent scandals in the family. Just learn to look at people positively and never offend your spouse behind the scenes, for example, by telling how bad he (she) is to your friends.
How to make peace with your wife
Instead of scolding each other for wrong behavior or insults, psychologists recommend learning how to competently get out of a conflict situation. In general, there is a simple algorithm for solving the problem:
- Resolve the subject of the dispute . Even if this is not an entirely correct decision, requiring it to be changed later, the main thing is that it is made. Sometimes postponing the analysis of a scandal to a later time is the only way out of the situation.
- Move away and cool down. By staying away from the subject of the dispute, even without resolving it, you will have the opportunity to relax mentally and physically, and soberly assess the situation. In this case, it will be much easier to understand the wife’s position.
- Return to your wife. Now that you both can reason rationally and speak without raging emotions, have an open conversation about the rules of conduct if similar situations arise again. An agreement with written responsibilities for both partners is the best thing you can do for your relationship.
In any serious quarrel, psychologists consider several stages of reunification:
- cold mind - you cool down, after which you decide to resume the relationship;
- regret - express remorse for the words spoken, wrong actions, insults inflicted on your woman;
- regaining trust - establish frank communication, emphasize how important it is for you that she believes in you;
- romance - show care, attention, sensitivity to the woman, surprise her with pleasant surprises to restore warmth and intimacy between you.
Expert opinion
Elena Druzhnikova
Sexologist. Family relations expert. Family psychologist.
Do things in favor of your spouse, correct your wrong behavior, and most importantly, be able to admit that you are wrong. The best prevention of family dramas is a change of scenery, allowing you to immerse yourself in an atmosphere of romance and passion.
What not to do at all
You won’t be able to stop arguing at all, but you can significantly reduce the frequency of misunderstandings and the intensity of negative emotions. To do this, you must not only learn how to properly clarify relationships and reconcile, but also prevent the most common mistakes:
- The best defense is attack. Often men, in order to whitewash their wrong behavior, shift the burden of responsibility onto the woman. Refuse this model of behavior, do not get personal, pointing out your spouse’s shortcomings in retaliation for her claims.
- Manipulation of children . Never involve children in disputes in order to intimidate or force them to make peace. Do not arrange a showdown in front of them, this will have a detrimental effect on the child’s psyche.
- Escaping reality . Men often, due to powerlessness and inability to solve problems, prefer alcohol, friends, drinking in clubs, etc. All this will temporarily distract you from your problems, but will lead to a loss of respect from your spouse.
