What does an unwanted child mean? This means that this child was not planned to be born and will face a life without maternal love. That in itself is a fact that one is not proud of. But still, they rarely think about the consequences for the child if he is not desired and loved by his parents and, first of all, by his mother.
Many different situations could lead to the birth of an unwanted child. Here are some of them:
- untimely pregnancy, when the expectant mother is young or she became pregnant by accident;
- hatred of the father of the unborn child - a family tyrant or rapist;
- the difficult financial situation of the mother or the entire family, which may already have children.
It is worth distinguishing an unwanted child from an unplanned, unexpected one; the second has a happier fate; in more than half of the cases, by the end of pregnancy, the mother comes to terms with the thought of the baby and begins to wait and love him.
Relationships between an unwanted child and others
Psychologists in their practice use the method of immersion in various periods of childhood and intrauterine development of a person. To understand how the psyche of an unwanted child was affected by his mother’s attitude towards him, let’s turn to the American doctor Stanislav Groff .
According to his theory, pregnancy and childbirth consist of several periods. And each period, or rather the child’s residence in it, has a certain significance for the future of this person.
From the moment a child is conceived until birth is called the “ matrix of happiness, naivety ” according to Groff’s theory. At this time, the child experiences joy, peace and serenity. But this only happens if the mother already loves and is waiting for her baby. Positive communication between a mother and her child, when she talks to him, calls him affectionate words, has a positive effect on the child. As an adult, he will be trusting, will be able to love and enjoy life, and will become an optimist.
And negative communication in the future leads to negative consequences for the baby. An unloved child is very vulnerable and anxious, feels guilty for everything that happens around him, and is not protected. Such a person begins to engage in self-flagellation. Sometimes his aggression is directed at himself, sometimes at the outside world.
The destruction of relationships with others can alternate with guilt, resentment and even rejection of oneself. An unwanted child grows into a person who is unable to build his own happy future.
Consequences of the “unloved child” syndrome
If parents were unable to give full love and affection to their children, the consequences in adulthood can be the most dire.
Distrust of others . If a child has lived in an unstable emotional environment since childhood, he will definitely have problems with communication in the future. It will be difficult for him to make friends, at work his employees will call him a “hermit,” and his personal life will most likely not work out.
Difficulty managing emotions . The development of emotional intelligence begins in early childhood. If a child was not surrounded with attention and warmth in childhood, it will be difficult for him to manage his emotions in the future.
Fear of making mistakes. To attract the attention of their parents, unloved children often try to study well, take first place in competitions and championships, enter a university, get an education, just so that their closest people will praise and notice their successes.
In adult life, such children are haunted by the “excellent student syndrome”; they are very afraid of making any, even the most insignificant, mistake.
Mental vulnerability. Those who did not receive parental love in childhood react very sharply to criticism. They are constantly haunted by the fear that close people (husband, wife, friends) will reject, abandon, or leave. Such people suffer from low self-esteem, constantly delve into themselves and their actions, and consider themselves to blame in any situation.
Problems in raising your own children. Adults who are disliked in childhood risk making two mistakes in raising their daughters and sons: they can unconsciously copy the behavior of their parents (although they are very afraid of this), or, on the contrary, they will show excessive care and love towards their children. As you know, any extremes are not good.
An unwanted child - the consequences of lack of love
It’s not a mother’s love for her child—it’s somehow unnatural to hear about that. But this phenomenon is quite common. The disappearance of the maternal instinct is also associated with women’s workload and their desire to build a career. Mothers of unwanted children do not have it either. And the child wants love and attention. And the result is various mental anomalies and gaps in education, the foundations of which are laid deep in the subconscious of a person.
Let's give an example of a child born to a young mother, as people say, “on the fly.”
As a result of a difficult birth, the child has physical illnesses, that is, he needs even more attention from his mother. As a result of the same disease and negative attitudes towards it on the part of the mother, the child has deviations in mental development and in communication with others.
Favorite and unloved children: how unequal treatment from parents affects children
There is an opinion that for a woman there is no difference between her children: maternal love and attention is enough for everyone. Ideally, a mother should love and care for all her children equally. But we know a lot of examples when one of the children in the family experienced an acute lack of parental love, and someone was a favorite who was spoiled by everyone.
In fact, there are many more such families than we can imagine. As is known, the maternal model of behavior is inherited. And those who suffered from a lack of parental love in childhood have to make great efforts to break this circle. But, according to writer Peg Streep, mothers’ “favorites” also have a hard time in life. In her article, she writes about what the unequal attitude of parents towards children leads to.
When a child is a trophy
There are many reasons why one of the children turns out to be the favorite, but the main one can be highlighted - the “favorite” is more like the mother. Imagine an anxious and withdrawn woman who has two children - one is quiet and obedient, the second is energetic, excitable, constantly trying to break boundaries. Which one will be easier for her to raise?
It also happens that parents treat children differently at different stages of development. For example, it is easier for a powerful and authoritarian mother to raise a very young child, because the older one is already capable of disagreeing and arguing. Therefore, the youngest child often becomes his mother’s “favorite.” But often this is only a temporary position.
“In the earliest photographs, my mother holds me like a shining porcelain doll. She is not looking at me, but directly into the lens, because in this photo she is showing off the most valuable of her things. I am like a purebred puppy to her. Everywhere she is dressed to the nines - a huge bow, an elegant dress, white shoes. I remember these shoes well - I always had to make sure that there was not a stain on them, they had to be in perfect condition. True, later I began to show independence and, even worse, became like my dad, and my mother was very unhappy with this. She made it clear that I had not grown up the way she wanted or expected. And I lost my place in the sun."
Not all mothers fall into this trap.
“Looking back, I realize that my mother had a lot more trouble with my older sister. She constantly needed help, but I didn’t. At the time, no one knew that she had obsessive-compulsive disorder; she was diagnosed with this as an adult, but that was the point. But in all other respects, my mother tried to treat us equally. Even though she didn't spend as much time with me as she did with her sister, I never felt unfairly treated."
But this does not happen in all families, especially if we are talking about a mother with a tendency to control or narcissistic traits. In such families, the child is seen as an extension of the mother herself. As a result, relationships develop according to fairly predictable patterns. One of them I call the “trophy child.”
First, let's talk in more detail about the different attitudes of parents towards children.
The effect of unequal treatment
It will hardly surprise anyone that children are extremely sensitive to any unequal treatment from their parents. Another thing that is noteworthy is that rivalry between brothers and sisters, which is considered a “normal” phenomenon, can have a completely abnormal effect on children, especially if this “cocktail” is also mixed with unequal treatment on the part of parents.
Research by psychologists Judy Dunn and Robert Plomin has shown that children are often more influenced by their parents' attitudes towards their siblings than towards themselves. According to them, “if a child sees his mother showing more love and care for his brother or sister, this may devalue for him even the love and care that she shows for himself.”
Humans are biologically programmed to react more strongly to potential dangers and threats. We remember negative experiences better than joyful and happy ones. This is why it can be easier to remember how your mother literally beamed with joy while hugging your brother or sister - and how deprived we felt at the same time - than those times when she smiled at you and seemed pleased with you. For the same reason, curses, insults and ridicule from one parent are not compensated by the kind attitude of the other.
In families where there were favorites, the likelihood of depression in adulthood increases not only among unloved, but also among beloved children
Unequal treatment on the part of parents has many negative effects on the child - self-esteem decreases, the habit of self-criticism develops, the conviction of being useless and unloved appears, a tendency to inappropriate behavior arises - this is how the child tries to attract attention to himself, and the risk of depression increases. And, of course, the child’s relationship with his brothers and sisters suffers.
When a child grows up or leaves the parental home, the established pattern of relationships cannot always be changed. It is noteworthy that in families where there were favorites, the likelihood of depression in adulthood increases not only among unloved children, but also among beloved children.
“It was as if I was sandwiched between two “stars” - my older brother, an athlete, and my younger sister, a ballerina. It didn’t matter that I was a straight A student and won prizes in science competitions, obviously that wasn’t “glamorous” enough for my mother. She was very critical of my appearance. “Smile,” she constantly repeated, “it is especially important for plain-looking girls to smile more often.” It was simply cruel. And guess what? My idol was Cinderella,” says one woman.
Research shows that unequal treatment by parents affects children more severely if they are of the same gender.
Podium
Mothers who view their children as an extension of themselves and proof of their own worth prefer children who help them appear successful—especially to outsiders.
The classic case is a mother trying to realize her unfulfilled ambitions, especially creative ones, through her child. Examples of such children include famous actresses - Judy Garland, Brooke Shields and many others. But “trophy children” are not necessarily associated with the world of show business; similar situations can be found in the most ordinary families.
Sometimes the mother herself does not realize that she treats her children differently. But the “podium for the winners” in the family is created quite openly and consciously, sometimes even turning into a ritual. Children in such families - regardless of whether they are “lucky” to become a “trophy child” - understand from an early age that the mother is not interested in their personality, she only cares about their achievements and the light in which they show her.
When love and approval in the family have to be won, it not only fuels rivalry among children, but also raises the standards by which all family members are judged. The thoughts and experiences of “winners” and “losers” don’t really bother anyone, but it’s harder for a “trophy child” to realize this than for those who happen to become a “scapegoat.”
“I definitely belonged to the category of “trophy children” - until I realized that I could decide for myself what to do. Mom sometimes loved me, sometimes was angry with me, but mostly admired me for her own benefit - for her image, for “show off”, in order to receive the love and care that she herself did not receive as a child.
When she stopped getting the hugs, kisses and love that she needed from me - I just grew up, and she never managed to grow up - and when I began to decide for myself how to live, I suddenly became the worst person in the world for her.
I had a choice: to be independent and say what I think, or to silently submit to her, with all her unhealthy demands and inappropriate behavior. I chose the first, did not hesitate to openly criticize her and remained true to myself. And I'm much happier than I could have been as a trophy child.
Family dynamics
Imagine that the mother is the Sun, and the children are the planets that revolve around her and try to get their share of warmth and attention. To do this, they constantly do something that will present her in a favorable light, and try to please her in everything.
“You know what they say: “If mom isn’t happy, no one will be happy”? Our family lived by this principle. And I didn’t realize that this was abnormal until I grew up. I was not the family’s idol, although I was not the scapegoat either. The “trophy” was my sister, I was the one who was ignored, and my brother was considered a failure.
We were assigned such roles and, for the most part, we lived up to them throughout our childhood. My brother ran away, finished college while working, and now I'm the only family member he has contact with. My sister lives two streets away from my mother, I don’t communicate with them. My brother and I have settled down well and are happy with life. “We both have good families and keep in touch with each other.”
Although in many families the position of the trophy child is relatively stable, in others it may constantly shift. Here is the case of a woman in whose life a similar dynamic persisted throughout her childhood and continues even now, when her parents are no longer alive:
“The position of the “trophy child” in our family constantly shifted depending on which of us was now behaving the way the mother thought the other two children should behave. We all developed animosity towards each other, and many years later, as adults, this growing tension burst out when our mother became ill, needed care, and then passed away.
The conflict resurfaced when our father fell ill and died. And to this day, any discussion of upcoming family meetings is not complete without a showdown.
We have always been tormented by doubts about whether we are living correctly.
Mom herself was one of four sisters - all close in age - and from an early age she learned to behave “correctly”. My brother was her only son; she had no brothers growing up. His barbs and sarcastic comments were treated condescendingly, because “he didn’t do this out of malice.” Surrounded by two girls, he was a “trophy boy.”
I think he understood that his rank in the family was higher than ours, although he believed that I was my mother’s favorite. Both brother and sister understand that our positions on the “podium” were constantly changing. Because of this, we were always tormented by doubts about whether we were living correctly.”
In such families, everyone is constantly on guard and always watches, lest they be “outdone” in some way. For most people, this is difficult and tiring.
Sometimes the dynamics of relationships in such a family are not limited to assigning the child to the role of a “trophy”; parents also begin to actively shame or belittle the self-esteem of his brother or sister. Other children often join in the bullying, trying to gain favor with their parents.
“In our family and in general among relatives, my sister was considered perfection itself, so when something went wrong and it was necessary to find the culprit, it always turned out to be me. One day my sister left the back door of the house open, our cat ran away, and they blamed me for everything. My sister herself actively participated in this, constantly lying and slandering me. And she continued to behave the same way when we grew up. In my opinion, in 40 years, my mother never said a word against her sister. Why, when there is me? Or rather, she was - until she broke off all relations with both of them.”
A few more words about winners and losers
While studying stories from readers, I noticed how many women who were disliked and even scapegoated in childhood said that now they are glad that they were not “trophies.” I am not a psychologist or psychotherapist, but for more than 15 years I have regularly communicated with women who were not loved by their mothers, and this seemed quite remarkable to me.
These women were not trying to downplay the significance of their experiences or downplay the pain they felt as an outcast in their own family - on the contrary, they emphasized it in every possible way - and admitted that in general they had a terrible childhood. But - and this is important - many noted that their brothers and sisters, who acted as “trophies”, were never able to escape the unhealthy dynamics of family relationships, but they themselves succeeded - simply because they had to.
There have been many stories of “trophy daughters” who have become replicas of their mothers – equally narcissistic women prone to control through divide-and-conquer tactics. And there were stories about sons who were so praised and protected - they had to be ideal - that even after 45 years they continued to live in their parents' house.
Some have cut off contact with their families, others maintain communication, but do not hesitate to point out their behavior to their parents.
Some noted that this vicious relationship pattern was inherited by the next generation, and it continued to influence the grandchildren of those mothers who were accustomed to viewing children as trophies.
On the other hand, I heard many stories of daughters who were able to decide not to remain silent, but to defend their interests. Some have broken off contact with their families, others maintain communication, but do not hesitate to directly point out their inappropriate behavior to their parents.
Some decided to become “suns” themselves and give warmth to other “planetary systems”. They worked hard to fully understand and process what happened to them as children, and built their own lives - with their circle of friends and their family. This does not mean that they do not have mental wounds, but they all have one thing in common: for them, what is more important is not what a person does, but what he is.
I call this progress.
Author: Peg Streep
Based on materials from: www.psychologies.ru
See also: Conflicts between brothers and sisters: how to survive and prevent Children's pranks: how brothers and sisters joke with each other.
10 very funny photo examples So that's what sisters are for! Twins played a prank on their brother
Psychology of an unwanted child - the fate of an outcast
He is an outcast among his peers and is not always pleasant to adults. This little man is unwanted by almost everyone, and besides, he is not loved by his mother, he feels guilty for this and his inferiority, deprivation, uselessness. All these feelings boil inside him, destroying his inner world and causing bitterness. Or, as an option, doom.
In classes with a psychologist, it turns out that from a pedagogically neglected and slow child it is possible to raise a normal child who does not lag behind others. And all he needs is the attention and love of people close to him.
An unwanted little person can be compared to a lonely wolf cub, from which a seasoned “wolf” can become dangerous to society. Typically, such children have difficulty adapting to society; they develop various, primarily psychosomatic, diseases.
Unwanted children are rarely successful; they seem to carry their karma through generations. They, in turn, do not want to start a family, do not trust people, cannot trust their partner. Although there are exceptions to the rule - unwanted ones, who spend their entire lives trying to prove to their parents that they are worthy of love, they will bend over backwards to become successful, which means that their parents will notice them, appreciate them, love them, and understand how wrong they were...
They are more likely than other children to become addicted to drugs or alcohol. This dependence for the child’s loved ones is given to them as punishment for their dislike. As they say in popular wisdom: you reap what you sow.
They are also more susceptible to mental disorders, more often become depressed, commit illegal acts (taking revenge on the whole world for not loving them) or try to commit suicide.
Blurry Boundaries
Difficulties in defining what is unacceptable. A girl who grew up with an aggressive mother has very little ability to recognize violence in relationships. She was used to being humiliated verbally and physically. Therefore, upon reaching adulthood, he often becomes a victim. The beloved man shouts “you stupid cow”, the woman listens, cries and does not leave the relationship. Because her mother told her the same thing at home. She also beat me. At least the man doesn't hit. And if she hits, then the woman looks for the reasons in herself. She made her angry, she did something wrong, she is to blame.
How to help a mother and her unwanted child?
A woman, being pregnant, experiences many stressful situations. But nature itself contains not only instincts, but also female wisdom. A woman feels the need to love, even an unwanted child. Moreover, this is her child, her “blood,” a part of herself. This means that denial and dislike for him is also hatred for oneself. Is it possible to live a full life while hating YOURSELF?
The first thing is to think about it...
How to accept the fact that a child is of an unwanted sex?
Firstly, once you find out, you shouldn’t withdraw into yourself and hold back your emotions . It is important to share your experiences with loved ones who will find words of support. Even if they do not console you, you will express your emotions, since holding them back inside and directing your feelings towards the child is much worse. Believe me, he feels everything and worries no less than you.
Secondly, don’t blame yourself if you no longer have the same feelings for your child. You are upset now, and because of negative emotions, you do not feel love for your baby. But as soon as you accept this news and get used to the idea, you will definitely feel the same love for your child.
Thirdly, don’t blame your husband, diet, tables and other various methods of conceiving a child of a certain gender - they have nothing to do with it. Everything, as they say, is God's will. Be sure that exactly the right children come to us, and exactly at the moment when they need it.
Regardless of gender, keep in mind that while children are small, they develop in the same way and gender differences are practically not felt. They are equally sweet, gentle and the most beloved.. Differences will begin to appear only by school age. But then, you will forget about your undesirable attitude towards the gender of the child. After all, maternal instinct and love extends to its children equally, regardless of gender. This is confirmed by the stories of mothers who once faced this problem.
If you are so afraid of giving birth to a son because he might grow up to be a disobedient and uncontrollable bully, then know that everything is in your hands. It all depends on upbringing, education and love for it.
Even if you are expecting a second or third son (two of whom are hooligans), the third will definitely be the most obedient and kind child. After all, the character of children is always different, even within the same family.
If you have not yet come to terms with the fact that you are expecting a child of the wrong gender, then we offer you stories and examples of how a strong desire to have a son or daughter can turn out.
What are the consequences of wanting to have a child of a certain gender? What is the danger?
Let's start with the fact that babies, even in their mother's belly, feel her emotions . The mother, having learned that the child’s gender did not coincide with what was expected, will experience stress, and the child will feel the shock of not being needed . And such an emotional shock can affect him after childbirth or over time in the form of crying day and night, constant whims, unstable emotional state, health problems, etc.).
Therefore, now, no matter how hard it is for you to accept this fact, it is not the child’s fault that he was born of this gender and not another. He, like any other child, wants to be loved and has the right to a happy life... He came to you, he chose you for a reason.
Just imagine: you gave birth to a long-awaited and desired daughter, and with your love, care, attention and overprotection, you raised a spoiled, disobedient and capricious lazy girl... You give her new beautiful dresses, toys, dolls, but nothing is enough for her. She twists ropes out of you, seeing that you are ready to do anything for her. I don't think anyone would want that.
But your son, whom you were not happy with at first, grows up to be successful, caring and independent. And why all? Because, due to the lack of all of the above, he will achieve everything on his own and will not be spoiled. Seeing his achievements, you will praise him and be proud of him, thereby you will support him even more and help his development.
Remember that it is important to raise your child in a way that is gender specific!
No matter how much you would like to raise the son of a football player or hockey player, you cannot make your dream come true with your daughter . Yes, she might be interested in sports. But in this way, you can raise her to be a tomboy and ruin her life.
In addition, it is impossible to suppress in her the tenderness, demandingness and capriciousness characteristic of girls, and to bring her up under strict discipline.
Every child must live his life, regardless of the wishes of his parents!
There are cases when mothers who dreamed of a son throughout their pregnancy gave birth to girls. Subsequently, the girls grew up and felt out of place in their bodies. They are rude, rude and behave cruelly. They are more comfortable playing with boys, they like loose T-shirts and pants, wear short hair and look like boys. At the same time, they experience deep misunderstanding when they are looked at with condemnation and contempt.
I don’t think it’s worth talking about what happens if you dream about a daughter but give birth to a son, you can guess it yourself. Just imagine how a person’s life can be ruined because of the parents’ desire to have only a daughter or a son.
Even if you overcame your disappointment and years later decided to admit that you wanted to give birth not to a daughter, but to a son, don’t do it . Even a small child will begin to feel that he is living someone else's life, that he has disappointed you. This can turn into big complexes for him , which can be very difficult to overcome. Even if it seems obvious to your third daughter that you dreamed of becoming your son’s dad for the third time, do not confirm this. After all, be that as it may, you probably love your children and would not want to change anything.
The unloved child in the family. How do unloved children live?
How does a child feel towards his parents - when he is already an adult - who was not loved and/or bullied in childhood? ⠀⠀
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In my practice, I highlight 4 positions or stages: ⠀⠀ DENIAL my parents were normal. I don't care that they didn't love me. It didn't affect me. And in general: they loved me, but they beat and humiliated me for the sake of it. You just don’t know what I did as a child!
At this stage, the person (client) is not yet ready to come into contact with his trauma and pain. In his speech, he says that “children should be beaten,” “I grew up normal, no matter what,” or demonizes himself (“I got what I deserved”).
It hurts me that my parents didn’t love me. Why? What did I do to them? Am I bad? What is wrong with me? Was I born in vain? I will live so that they will finally love me.
Here the client has already moved forward and can admit that yes: he was not loved, offended, beaten or humiliated. Bitterness, resentment, misunderstanding appear: why me? What am I for? how to earn the love of mom and dad? ⠀⠀ HATE I hate my parents because they didn’t love me and beat me! How dare they? They must ask for forgiveness! Let them burn in hell! When they die, I won't come to bury them!
Rebellion and protest against parents, for the first time, hatred towards them is felt and expressed, which was previously taboo and inaccessible due to psychological defenses. The client seems to be freed from a heavy load. ⠀⠀ HUMILITY I accept the fact that my parents did not love me. This is a given that cannot be changed. I don't expect anything more from them. Most likely, they were incapable of feelings of love and care. Perhaps their personality is damaged and distorted if they did some “strange” things to me.
If a person is in long-term therapy, then he has a chance to get to the fourth position. Step by step, step by step, and now he is ready to accept reality: “it just happened. It was true. This is a fact of my biography.” ⠀⠀
As adults, we, grown children, adhere to the first three positions. We hang back and forth between denial-resentment-hatred. Moreover, you yourself can grow old and die, but you will never “forgive” your parents.
However, I draw your attention, friends and colleagues, that “forgiving” parents, as such, is not the ultimate goal in therapy. Humility and acceptance of reality is one thing. Understanding and forgiving parents is something else entirely.
How do you like the article? What feelings did you touch?
Which of these stages are you personally at now?
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Your Yana Gulevskaya ⠀ Personal and family psychologist, specialist in codependent relationships.
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