How to decide on a second baby? How to overcome your fear? Adviсe

home

Childhood fears

Each of us periodically experiences feelings of anxiety, worry and fear - this is one of the aspects of our mental activity. But adults have experience and knowledge that often help rationalize what is happening and reduce the intensity of experiences. Children do not understand much and worry much more acutely. Often, what scares a child may seem like a mere trifle to an adult. But the feeling of fear makes a child experience truly strong emotions that can instantly take over his entire little world.

If a child complains that he is afraid of something, this is not a reason for ridicule or panic, but rather a reason to think and talk with the child, try to find out the reason and then decide on further actions. Most children's fears are temporary in nature; with timely identification of fears by adults and the correct attitude towards them, they will soon disappear without a trace. There are, of course, fears (neurotic or obsessive) that make it difficult for a child to function normally, interfere with his development and adaptation, and spread to all areas of life - in this case it is better to seek help from specialists.

What are childhood fears?

Fear is a feeling that arises in response to the influence of threatening factors, which is based on the innate instinct of self-preservation. Psychologists identify two basic threats that cause a feeling of fear - threats to a person’s life and life values. The specificity of children's fears is that, as a rule, they are not directly related to an actual threat. Children's fears are based on information that children receive from nearby adults and pass through the prism of their vivid fantasy and imagination.

Don't Make These Mistakes

The biggest mistake parents make is punishing fear. Dads are especially “sinful” of this, who either shame their children or threaten “Go and do this, otherwise I will punish you.” Never try to leave a child alone with his fear: lock him in a dark room, throw him into water, put him on a high branch. Such extreme methods can break even adults!

Prohibited in the fight against communication barriers:

Face-to-face with fear: “Go play with the children. Otherwise we’ll go home now!”
Emphasis on the problem, direct instructions and a negative attitude towards it: “You are so afraid of them that you are ready to give up the walk!”
Threats and punishments: “I will punish you/deprive you of something if you don’t go to the playground now.”
Humiliation and insults for showing fear: “You are so pathetic when you are afraid. And what would happen!”
Severance of the emotional connection with the child of one or both parents: “Well, sit alone. I don't want to communicate with you. Coward!"
Excessive care and incorrect assessments of the situation on the part of the mother or grandmothers: “There are some evil children here. Let’s go for a walk without them.”
Parental inattention at 1–2 years of age can cause the development of severe autism spectrum disorders by 3–4 years of age!

Causes of childhood fears

The most obvious cause of children's fears is a previously experienced traumatic situation. For example, if a child is bitten by a dog, there is a high probability that he will be afraid of dogs in the future. If parents intimidate their child with fairy tale characters in an attempt to achieve their own goals, the child may be afraid to be alone or in the dark. The basis for the formation of fears is also the general anxiety of the immediate environment, which conveys to the child a huge number of prohibitions and an attitude of failure. Mothers and grandmothers often warn their children with the phrases: “be careful! Otherwise you will fall, get hurt, break your leg.” Of such phrases, the child, as a rule, perceives only the second part. He does not yet fully understand what he is being warned against, but he is filled with a feeling of anxiety, which can develop into persistent fears. Excessively emotional discussion by adults of various incidents and natural disasters, focusing on the fact that danger can lurk at every step also does not go unnoticed by children and is fertile ground for fears.

There are not so obvious reasons that may underlie children's fears:

Overprotection Children living in a modern metropolis are often subject to excessive care from their parents; they constantly hear that danger awaits them at every corner. This makes kids unsure of themselves and fearful. In addition, life itself in a big city is filled with stress and is very intense, which cannot but affect the child’s psyche in general, making it more vulnerable.
Lack of parental attention Due to the excessive workload of adults, their time with children is often severely limited. Computer games and television programs are replacing live emotional communication. Therefore, it is necessary to communicate qualitatively with the child at least several hours a week, take walks together, play, and discuss significant moments.
Lack of physical activity Lack of sufficient physical activity can also cause fear.
Mother's aggression towards the child If the mother occupies a leading position in the family system and often allows herself to show aggression towards other family members, the emergence of fears in the child is almost inevitable. She is not perceived by the baby as an object that will protect and come to the rescue in any situation, so the basic sense of security suffers.
Unstable atmosphere in the family An unstable emotional situation in the family, frequent scandals between family members, lack of mutual understanding and support become the cause of chronic anxiety that a child experiences while in the family. Over time, this can lead to fears.
The presence of psychological and mental disorders in the child. Another cause of fear may be the presence of neurosis in the child, the diagnosis and treatment of which is within the competence of medical workers. A manifestation of neurosis is childhood fears that are not typical for the age at which the child is, or correspond to his age, but acquire a pathological manifestation.

The problem of custodial parents

Everything is good in moderation. Including parental care and guardianship. Under the age of one year, a child needs to provide mainly physiological needs, tactile contact and speech interaction.

And at 3 years old, the baby already needs independence, the opportunity to make his own choices (even imaginary ones). By five, it is important to develop the ability to understand people at the level of peers, to identify the bad and the good. You should not do all the complex psychological work for your child - this will only slow down his development personally and socially.

When everything is the other way around. In children deprived of even the necessary attention, reactions to peers can be exactly the same. The meeting of two kids begins and immediately ends with panicked eyes wide open, screaming and a desire to run away from the playground.

Invite guests, visit them yourself, let children communicate, teach them to cooperate. Don't be afraid of infections where there are none. Children need life experiences that they themselves have gained. Preschoolers are not yet able to learn from other people's mistakes!

Types of children's fears

It is customary to distinguish three types of fears:

Obsessive fears A child experiences these fears under certain circumstances that can cause him to panic. For example, fear of heights, open spaces, crowded places, etc.
Delusional fears The presence of such fears indicates serious problems in the child’s psyche. Their reason is impossible to find and logically impossible to explain. For example, a child is afraid to play with a specific toy, wear certain clothes, open an umbrella, etc. But, if you discover such fear in your baby, you should not panic right away, you should try to find out the reason; perhaps he does not want to play with a certain toy due to objective reasons. For example, he may have hit himself hard or had a painful fall while playing with this toy before.
Overvalued fears These fears are the product of the child’s imagination; they are the ones that occur in 90% of cases when working with children. At first, such fears relate to a certain life situation, but then they take over the child’s thoughts so much that he cannot think about anything else. For example, the fear of the dark, which in a child’s imagination is “infested with terrible monsters.”

Forming communication skills

Try to avoid negative constructions. Convince from your experience or give vivid examples:

You know that Baba Yaga was very beautiful in her youth? It’s just that now she has become old, she doesn’t take much care of herself, no one cares about her, she lives alone and is angry at the whole world all the time. That's why it looks so scary. But in fact, she is very unhappy (we appeal for sympathy)/perky (show the song from the cartoon “The Flying Ship”)/smart (read an excerpt from the fairy tale where Yaga gives advice to travelers).
And as a child, I was also afraid of other children, and dad was afraid.
But my dad and I became friends and became a family! Can you imagine if we sat like beeches in different corners? (emotions, facial expressions and the mood of parents in such dialogues are the main active force).

If the child’s fears fit into age norms, and rare manifestations of fearfulness do not disturb the peace and sleep of the family, then parents are quite capable of independently coping with the psychological and pedagogical task:

Spend more time with your baby, not shying away from tactile and emotional contact.
With your youngest preschooler, play out puppet situations in which goodness and the ability to conduct dialogue win.
Read fairy tales about friendship and team to a five-year-old. Sit on a bench to the side and watch your peers play. Point out that those kids over there are having a lot of fun. But these ones found something interesting and are studying it together.
Attend group classes for children with a psychologist (specialists will first give advice and help prepare the child).
Praise and motivate to communicate, but do not force them to give away toys or kiss “enemies.” Act gradually and enjoy each new step together.
In dealing with negative experiences from the past, try to turn memories of the situation into a neutral or funny event.
Allow the boy to communicate with younger guys, whom he can teach something and become a leader among them.
Eliminate disturbing cartoons, horror films, mystical stories and scaring with Babai.
And support, support!
Be interested, discuss in a positive way, compare yesterday's successes with today's. “You played with the children more today than yesterday, did you like it? What game did you play?

Age-related childhood fears

Psychologists identify childhood fears that appear at a certain age, are considered normal, and disappear over time with normal development.

0–6 months – fear is caused by unexpected loud sounds, sudden movements, falling objects; absence of the mother, and sudden changes in her mood, general loss of support;
7–12 months – fear can be caused by loud noises; people whom the child sees for the first time; changing clothes; sudden change of situation; height; drain hole in the bathroom or swimming pool, helplessness in the face of an unexpected situation;
1–2 years – fear can be caused by loud noises; separation from parents; falling asleep and waking up, bad dreams; strangers; bathtub or pool drain hole; fear of injury; loss of control over emotional and physical functions;
2–2.5 years – fear of losing parents, emotional rejection on their part; unknown children of the same age; percussion sounds; possible occurrence of nightmares; changes in the environment; manifestations of the elements - thunder, lightning, rain;
2–3 years – large, incomprehensible, “threatening” objects, for example, a washing machine; changes in the usual way of life, emergency events (death, divorce, etc.); changes in the location of familiar objects;
3–5 years – death (the understanding comes that life is finite); nightmares; robber attacks; natural disasters; fire; illness and surgery; snakes;
6–7 years – fairy-tale characters (witches, ghosts); fear of loss (getting lost or losing mom and dad), loneliness; fear of not meeting parents' expectations in studies, fears associated with school; fear of physical violence;
7–8 years – dark ominous places (basement, closet), natural disasters and catastrophes, loss of attention and acceptance, love from others (peers, teachers, parents); fear of being late for school, exclusion from school and home life; physical punishment; lack of acceptance at school;
8–9 years old – inability to play games, at school; exposure to lies or undesirable behavior; fear of physical violence; fear of losing parents, quarrels with parents;
9–11 years old – inability to achieve success at school or in sports; illness; certain animals; heights, spinning (some carousels can cause fear); people who pose a threat (drug addicts, hooligans, drunks, etc.);
11–13 years – defeat; unusual personal actions; own appearance and attractiveness; illness and death; sexual violence; criticism from adults; own insolvency; loss of personal belongings.

Why are children afraid of each other?

Every growing person contains hidden not only his own conclusions about the outside world, but also the opinions of older family members, the influence of culture, and information from media sources. And also the temperament inherited from the parents, unformed character and not yet very broad life experience.

For what reason is your child afraid of children in playgrounds with sandboxes and carousels?

Run diagnostics

Why does the process of entering society (socialization) and mastering its rules and norms of communication (social adaptation) cause difficulties for some children? Social fears normally appear in this order:

In the first year of life, it is scary to move away from your mother and find yourself in a new environment; strangers cause obvious fear.
From one to three years, almost all children are afraid of loneliness, and with it the dark. But mom and dad can save you from the monsters under the bed!
From three to five years old it is quite normal to be afraid of fairy-tale characters and their images in reality. Boys are more afraid, but they outgrow their fear faster.
In preschool age , there is a fear of losing parents or receiving punishment from them.
During the same period, a new communication problem arises - fear of animals, even ones that are already well known; in girls this is often more pronounced.

It turns out that the dynamics of children's fears coincide with the main crisis periods of preschool childhood: 1, 3, 7 years. Since the boundaries of each child’s crises are very individual, he can be afraid at 2, 4, and 6 years old. It is important to pay attention to the forms in which concerns are expressed and whether these forms comply with the norms. Ask yourself a few questions and try to figure it out:

Does the fear reaction occur in any environment or only on the playground?
Is the increase or decrease in the reaction due to the presence of an adult?
Was the feared person the cause of conflict or trauma?
How was socialization carried out, did the child attend a nursery, kindergarten, or subgroup at school?
When the fear first arose, how did the elders react?

Pathologies in the child and mother

Of course, when the first birth ends not with a happy discharge and joyful moments, but with the mother and newborn being transferred to a hospital, such an event is difficult to forget. And many who have already experienced this are scared to give birth to a second child. “I’m afraid that everything will happen again,” say desperate women. But this can be changed if you understand the situation more deeply. Firstly, no two births are the same, and the fact that there were certain problems during the first does not mean that they will happen again.

In addition, it would be a good idea to visit an obstetrician and find out why this happened. For example, during the first birth a woman had multiple ruptures. She was stitched up, and all this caused her psycho-emotional trauma. But it is important to find out why this happened. So, as a rule, ruptures occur due to infections of the female genital organs (cocci, candidiasis). In addition, they can occur if you push incorrectly or do not listen to the instructions of the obstetrician at the most crucial moment. Instead of being afraid of this situation, it is necessary to realize it and draw conclusions. Perhaps you should more carefully choose the maternity hospital and the doctor who will deliver the baby.

If the fears are related to the child’s illness, then a genetic examination should be performed. Such analysis allows you to identify anomalies and prevent them in advance.

How to overcome children's fear?

You can cope with such a phobia as the fear of children on your own or with the help of a psychologist-hypnologist. First of all, people suffering from pedophobia need to calm down and soberly assess the situation. Little children are completely harmless creatures, they cannot harm anyone, they need to be loved and protected.

How to overcome a phobia:

try to remember what caused the fear;
change your attitude towards children;
Every day, look at the kids for a few minutes and talk to them;
when thinking about the child, try not to panic and maintain composure;
repeat the phrase “I’m not afraid of children” several times every day;
learn to cope with your emotions with the help of auto-training or meditation.

In order to cope with internal fears, you need to learn to breathe correctly. Breathing exercises improve your condition and mood. You can try to take a deep breath and exhale slowly and listen to yourself. A few of these exercises will calm your nerves. The body will be saturated with oxygen, and the person’s well-being will return to normal.

Negative thoughts can keep not only the psyche, but also the body in tension. In order to calm down, it is recommended to get a massage and perform relaxing yoga exercises. You can take a warm bath or shower. A walk or swimming session is good for calming your nerves.

What will help the nervous system

Your anxiety comes from a violation of the internal “tone-relaxation” balance. The more nervous tension in your life, the more anxiety increases. If you are constantly very anxious, then this is a sign that your nervous system is suffering greatly.

Positive emotions will be an effective weapon against anxiety and stress. Here's what can help you get them and calm your nervous system:

Sports and walks – excessively active exercise is not necessary. If you were not athletic before giving birth, then start small and gradually increase the intensity of your exercises. It is optimal to allocate time 2-3 times a week. During training, the hormone endorphin is released, which relieves stress.
Walks – if you feel very tired and are not able to exercise, just walk with your child every day. It's better if you do this in the company of other mothers.
Rest – Rest whenever possible. With increased anxiety, there are problems falling asleep. In addition, the baby constantly waking up at night does not allow you to get enough sleep. Therefore, during the day, go to bed with your child. Don't wait until you collapse from fatigue! During the day you should “get enough sleep” for at least 8 hours.
Support is good if you make friends with other mothers. By discussing your difficulties with them, you will see that all difficulties are temporary, and problems can be solved. It is not your husband who will understand your condition better, but other women. Their experience will help you get through difficult times and find strength to fight anxiety.
Hobbies – find something you love to do. It will distract you from negative emotions and anxiety. Grow flowers, embroider, paint pictures, knit - you can choose whatever your heart desires. While you work with your hands, store up positive emotions from the process so that you can return to them when anxiety starts to bother you.

How to cope

And, of course, women who live with the fear of having a second child would like to know if it is possible to get rid of it and how to do it. Much will depend on the reason why the block arose. But in any case, it is possible and necessary to get rid of fear. And first, write down for yourself on a piece of paper all the advantages of your first pregnancy and childbirth. Look at your already grown-up firstborn and imagine another baby next to him. Isn't this wonderful? But, of course, although such thoughts help the woman calm down a little, the fear of giving birth to a second child still reminds itself from time to time. And each psychological or physical block has its own secrets that will help cope with this problem.

Ready for a second child

Many girls are scared to give birth to a second child. Afraid of not being able to cope, they wonder if there is any way to test their readiness for a second child. There are also two factors for this in psychology:

Physical – mother’s health.
Psychological – readiness for pregnancy and childbirth on a subconscious level.

And in order to determine psychological readiness, you should ask yourself the following questions:

Do I enjoy raising children?
Do I want the house to be noisy and fun?

If you answer these questions positively, then you are ready for a second child, and the fears that overcome you can be dispelled fairly quickly.

To summarize, we can say that the question: “I’m afraid to give birth to a second child. What to do?" quite popular these days. Many women spend years thinking about what to do and cannot find a solution. In any case, you must take it. Don't let other people force their opinions on you. If you feel that you are neither physically nor mentally prepared for a second pregnancy and childbirth, you should openly tell your spouse about this. The decision to add to the family must be mutual, otherwise only one person will be happy, while others will suffer.

Deciding on a second child is not difficult if you note for yourself all the pros and cons of this event and turn to your family and friends for support. Sometimes it can be helpful to talk to parents who already have several children. Find out how they organize their day, how they manage with babies, and then you will definitely understand whether they are ready for a newborn or not.