Teenage falling in love is not uncommon. It becomes a real test for both the lover and his parents. For teenagers - due to their inexperience, and for parents - due to surprise. It seems to many adults that just yesterday their “kids” were playing with dolls and cars, but today they have completely different games and fun. Both sides are in a state of real confusion. In this article we will look at the characteristics of teenage relationships and the most common mistakes parents make.
Teenage love
Young people are not always ready to share their love experiences with their parents. You can find out that Cupid has captivated a young heart by the following signs:
- From a fan of computer games, he suddenly turned into a connoisseur of walking in the fresh air. Partial interrogation and prohibitions from parents will contribute to a loss of trust. It is necessary to announce to the rebel in love the time limits of his dates.
- If, while communicating on the phone, a child constantly strives for privacy, this indicates that he has an object of desire.
- Close attention to your appearance, hairstyle and wardrobe, the desire to look bright, stylish, and fashionable can be indirect signs of sympathy.
- A teenager's request to increase his allowance should alert parents. Money may be needed not only for dates, but also if he seeks to declare his “adulthood” with the help of harmful inclinations: smoking and alcohol.
- Contraceptives found by parents in a teenager should not provoke a hysterical reaction. This will only create a barrier in the relationship that will be very difficult to overcome.
In adolescence, physical development does not correspond at all to mental and social development. It may seem that outwardly young people are already ready for mature feelings and their development, but in fact this is not the case. They don't realize that to build a relationship, you need to learn to control your instincts. Love should not be like an uncontrollable element that breaks everything in its path.
Parents need to convey the idea to their children that physical intimacy is a consequence of harmonious relationships between lovers, their new round. A necessary condition for sex is the moral and psychological maturity of young people, which consists of a number of aspects. The first of them is the ability and willingness to take responsibility for one’s actions and their consequences, for a loved one. Teenagers are not able to take on such responsibility, if only because they are financially dependent on their parents.
Unfortunately, in modern society, where the media is engaged in the promotion of sex, early sexual intercourse is far from uncommon. Sexual freedom is associated with sexual permissiveness. In order to justify promiscuity, young people tend to equate love and sex. The task of parents is to prevent the replacement of true values with false ones. This is the only opportunity to form a correct idea of love among teenagers.
Importance to each other
It has long been accepted that a man takes the first step to develop a relationship. However, it is the woman who pushes him to this act. For this purpose, a smile, a glance, and gestures are used.
Without gentle feedback, a man will not be able to feel comfortable. Although the “stronger sex” rejects sentimentality, it is important for him to feel his importance and to be in demand for the woman he loves.
Every goal he achieves speaks not only of his efforts, but also of the support and faith of his partner.
Likewise, a woman depends on the male presence. Without love, a woman not only feels worse, but also undergoes changes in appearance, in her attitude towards things and people around her, and ceases to enjoy life. She needs tender feelings as much as a woman’s support for a man.
As a result, a woman creates conditions for a man, and he, in turn, creates safe conditions for her and gives her confidence in the future. Both sexes depend on each other, which is why some people are literally attracted to each other.
A bond is formed between them, they often meet by chance and try to impress each other.
Examples of modern relationships
Quite a few people have begun to approach relationships from a material point of view. Each of them wants to benefit from the relationship, which directly affects their life together.
After living together for several months or even weeks, the couple realizes that their characters are incompatible. And in this situation, money or the desire to enjoy a beautiful woman will no longer help.
As a result, the couple finds themselves in a period of separation. Infidelity, quarrels and ultimately divorce begin.
You can often notice couples where the men are slightly older than the girls. This choice is far from accidental. Girls consciously look for an older partner, this is explained by the fact that people their own age are boring and uninteresting.
There are two reasons for this:
1. The girl was born into a cultural family, where she was instilled with high moral principles. As a result, she wants to hang out with smart and interesting guys.
If the majority of her peers are trying to have fun in clubs, they become indifferent to her. After all, such guys often have little prospects.
2. The intuitive ability to take care of her life makes a woman push away failed young people. After all, investing faith and support in them means waiting a long time and having a chance of failure.
Therefore, a woman tries to choose a formed personality who has already decided on priorities and goals.
Men react to relationships much more simply. Often they don’t care about a bank account or a woman’s figure. The main thing is that she emotionally supports him and believes in his work. Then both partners will be happy due to mutual assistance.
Signs of good compatibility
There are many people who do not pay attention to compatibility with their partner. Ultimately, this leads to a break in the relationship.
How to determine good compatibility:
• Respect for personal space. Each partner does not prohibit the other from spending time with friends or alone. Such pastime is in no way condemned or ridiculed.
• No one tries to adapt a person to themselves and change his life principles. Each understands that the other has shortcomings.
• Disputes and quarrels are absolutely normal in relationships. Conflicts allow you to get rid of emotional stress, express your opinion and defend your point of view. Of course, this should not amount to physical violence.
• Conversations. Without communication, relationships will not last long. Partners must be able to understand each other, listen and not be afraid to express their opinions. They always have common topics to discuss, which keeps them from getting bored.
• The past remains in the past. There are many jealous and touchy people who constantly remind their partner of his mistakes. What matters is what happens here and now.
• Physical attraction to each other. According to statistics, half of marriages last only because of sex.
You should not notice that you can find a future love partner anywhere. Sometimes even the most ridiculous situations connect people forever. Therefore, it is possible that even a passerby who steps on your foot can become the object of love for life.
Psychology of Adolescents
Adolescence is characterized by significant physical changes in the body. An increase in hormonal activity is manifested in the formation of secondary sexual characteristics and features of the nervous system: excitation processes predominate over inhibition. This explains the emotional outbursts, imbalance and conflict of adolescents. Going through the stage of personal growth, boys and girls strive for autonomy. At the same time, they are not alien to the desire to become a member of any social group whose interests they share.
There are many contradictions at this age: a combination of isolation and sociability, cynicism and daydreaming, arrogance and shyness. Bipolarity of the psyche manifests itself in all its glory and in some cases becomes the cause of serious mental disorders, which begin much more often during this period of human life than at others.
The teenager realizes that he differs little from adults, although at the same time he must obey them in everything. He tries in every possible way to demonstrate his maturity: in clothes, manner of communication, actions, bad habits such as smoking and drinking alcohol, early sexual intercourse.
The conflict between fathers and children keeps both of them in constant tension. On the one hand, striving for independence, the teenager rebels against the advice and opinions of adults, their desire to limit his freedom. On the other hand, the opinion of his parents still remains very important to him. It is no coincidence that in his search for his own identity and role model in society, he chooses what is familiar to him from childhood, most often copying the models of his parents. Therefore, the example of “fathers” is a very important factor in the formation of a child’s personality.
All teenagers go through puberty. Gender psychological differences explain its characteristics in girls and boys. So, for the former, this process begins earlier. Girls need psychological intimacy, a response to which they often find in older boys. Erotic overtones are not as important for them as for young people.
Although puberty in young men occurs a little later, it manifests itself more rapidly. Hypersexuality is a consequence of their psychophysiological characteristics of increased sexual excitability.
Early puberty ends quickly in young men. The late stage is characterized by a protracted and sluggish course.
Teenage relationships
First love is a wonderful feeling. However, due to the fact that teenagers have no experience, they make numerous mistakes in relationships that can be easily avoided. Psychologists give numerous advice on this issue:
- In the first days of dating, you need to learn as much as possible about each other so that a wave of disappointment does not overwhelm the teenager at the most inopportune moment - when the relationship is already in full swing. Parting at the peak of affection will bring severe pain and bitterness of disappointment.
- You should remember about yourself and your interests, and not dissolve in the object of passion. If a young man is into hard rock or football, this does not mean that a girl should give up her favorite dancing in order to share his hobbies with him.
- Maintain the boundaries of your personal space without devoting all your free time to the object of your desire. Don’t forget about the other side of the coin - don’t be intrusive, don’t try to control every step of your partner.
- We must not forget about plans for the future. Feelings of love should not negatively affect your performance at school. If a partner demands attention and does not want to take into account the interests of his other half, it is hardly worth continuing communication with such a selfish person.
- The decision to engage in sexual intercourse must be balanced and deliberate. You should not be led by passion, so as not to regret it in the future. If a partner insists and is not ready to wait, perhaps he is only interested in sex, and there is no talk of love here. If the decision is made, do not forget about its possible negative consequences - accidental pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. Use contraceptives.
- In case of problems and failures on the personal front, you should not withdraw into yourself. Communication with friends, creative activities, sports, and hobbies will help you get rid of gloomy thoughts. The support of your family should not be neglected. It is possible that the rich baggage of their life experience will provide answers to complex questions.
Igor, 50 years old, engineer
What is it like to take teenage love seriously? Going on hand-in-hand dates with your son? Demand a report on everything? In my opinion, you need to give the child a little independence, he will figure it out without you. Everyone went through this and somehow managed without outside help, and even more so without parental advice. In the end, cases when teenagers fall in love seriously, in my opinion, are the exception rather than the rule. How are they doing? Today I fell in love with Masha, tomorrow with Katya, the day after tomorrow with Ira. This is not true love, but an ordinary hormonal surge. All their suffering is very superficial and is forgotten the very next day. When children grow up, then they will learn to love seriously, and at the age of 14, rarely anyone succeeds. Therefore, I think that parents have enough other worries with teenagers to worry about who their son or daughter loves today. As long as they don’t forget to study, don’t wander around the basements, don’t drink, don’t smoke. And the rest is all nonsense. They will sort it out somehow without us.
Features of teenage love 12-16 years old
Psychologists say that love between a man and a woman has three levels: physical, emotional and spiritual. In an adult lover they merge into one. In adolescence, things are a little different. Physiological needs and feelings are disconnected.
- Both boys and girls can experience sublime feelings for one person, but at the same time enter into an intimate relationship with another, without particularly thinking about the fact that they are acting, to put it mildly, dishonestly in relation to the object of their adoration.
- Teenagers often treat sexual intercourse very frivolously and are prone to frequent changes of partners.
According to statistics, two-thirds of high school students manage to change from three to five sexual partners by the time they graduate from school. Most of them are well informed about contraception, but this does not eliminate the risk of sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted pregnancy.
- First love does not yet fully understand what the criteria for choosing an object of sympathy should be. And since these criteria change, new loves arise along with them.
- A teenager is capable of falling in love many times over the course of one month, and each time it will seem to him that this will last a lifetime. Increased hormonal levels make him react sharply to any difficulties in relationships. Emotionality, impulsiveness, thoughtlessness of actions are integral components of love among 14-year-old teenagers.
A feature of this age is that the center of the child’s physical and spiritual life moves from home to the environment of peers and adults. Communication with society becomes his main activity. He prefers to share his emotional experiences not with loved ones and family, but with friends and peers. This is how the psychology of teenagers explains their desire to spend as much time as possible outside the walls of their home.
Questions of love worry young people long before this feeling comes to them. Its attractiveness lies not only in the unknown and novelty, but also in the fact that it provides an opportunity for self-affirmation among peers, arousing their envy, admiration and respect. Unfortunately, it is not always real. Sometimes a teenager can fake falling in love because it benefits him.
There is a lot of fantasy in youthful love: the loved one is always idealized, he has no flaws. Often love cannot be differentiated from sympathy, affection and attraction. She is cut off from life, does not look into the future, resembles an interesting game, because her goal cannot be to create strong and long-term relationships. She is fragile, vulnerable, naive, stupid, but still beautiful.
Larisa, 37 years old, manager
My daughter is 15 years old. I'm raising her alone. I work from morning to night to dress and feed her. Do you think I have time to deal with her boys? I don’t get involved in this and at the same time I don’t consider myself a bad mother. My parental duty is to provide my child with a normal existence and a decent education. And all sorts of love is not my thing, let him discuss it with his girlfriends. All the same, this is empty talk. Look, about a month ago mine seemed to fall in love. Such African passions were in full swing - it was really funny to me. I could talk to my boy on the phone all night. And then what? He decided to date her friend. And again, our house was restless - my daughter was crying almost constantly. I finally got tired of it, and I directly told her that I was returning from work as tired as a dog, and I wanted everything to be quiet, peaceful and calm at home. I don’t want to see any tears or hysterics after work. There was a squeal, you can’t imagine! They accused me of everything - I’m callous and I don’t understand anything. But what do you think? After just a couple of weeks, my daughter forgot about her misfortune - she found another gentleman. And everything is new. How can we take this seriously? She is still too young for real experiences.
Parents' mistakes
Advice for the older generation:
- Don't be afraid of losing your authority. Even if your child constantly argues with you and provokes conflict, this does not mean that he does not love you. Change the mentor's tone to friendly participation, give the opportunity to show independence, and he will repay you with warmth and respect.
- Conversations about sex education should be one of the topics of your confidential communication. Feel free to talk about sex and physical development. It will be better if he learns about the possible negative consequences of early sexual intercourse from you, and not in the gateway of the house where you live, or from the pages of Internet resources for adults, where sex is presented as something mandatory for happiness and strong relationships.
- Do not build communication in the form of interrogation. Tell your child about your first love, your feelings and experiences. Be honest, this will gain his trust.
- Parents should know the guys who are part of the teenager's closest social circle. Invite them into your home more often to understand who your child is friends with. It’s definitely worth getting to know your child’s chosen one. Don't exaggerate the situation and don't throw a family viewing or dinner party. Try to be friendly and open.
- Teenagers are very sensitive to criticism of their friends and lovers, so parental condemnation of their choices can hurt and have a negative impact on relationships with adults. Categorical statements can cause a desire to do things out of spite. Do not provoke a teenager to defend his decision in this way. He should know about your doubts, but this should be done not in a raised tone, without insults and reproaches.
- He should feel the understanding and support of his parents. Somewhere you can listen, somewhere you can help with advice, distract or redirect his attention by offering an interesting activity or leisure time together. The main thing is not to laugh at a teenager’s falling in love, not to judge, but to take it seriously.
“Diary of a Scandal” (directed by Richard Eyre, 2006)
Another film that examines the delicate issue of the love relationship between a teacher and a student. Unfortunately, a school teacher (Cate Blanchett) gets involved with a fifteen-year-old student. These relationships, controversial in themselves, are included in the overall picture of the main character’s life. Her husband and child with Down syndrome are waiting for her at home, and at work, that is, at school, an elderly teacher in love becomes a witness to her forbidden relationship. And this is not a sitcom, this is a real drama.
