Problems in raising growing children happen quite often. Parents are often concerned with the question of how to find a common language with their teenage son or daughter. From generation to generation, parents have conflicts with their children and cannot understand the state of mind and aspirations of their child. The situation is even more complicated today, when most teenagers are brought up with electronic devices and are completely immersed in social networks and online games.
Avoiding disputes and forming the right values in a child is possible only after understanding the sources of conflict and the teenager’s motivation. In this article we will talk about the main causes of problems in raising a teenage child.
Why are they so far away?
Of course, the problem does not develop overnight. Very often everything begins gradually, gradually. Everyone is probably familiar with the situation when the role of a working father of a tiny son comes down to the timely purchase of diapers and baby food, and the mother, who is on maternity leave, perhaps with the support of her grandmothers, copes well with both this care and more. a huge number of household chores. At this stage, it is usually quite easy for dad to convince himself that the baby is simply too small, but he will grow up... But he has grown up.
How to Set Boundaries
Boundaries are the basis of human relationships. No boundaries - there will be no maturity, security and personal growth for either your teenager or yourself. Creating boundaries and maintaining their integrity is not an easy task, but if you follow the rules for developing them, the result will not be long in coming.
First of all, this is the limit for returning home : at 22:00, or, if he is at a girl’s house, at 22:30. It is because of the “curfew” that the main battles with the teenager flare up. In this war, you need to stand firm: the teenager, although he opposes your rules, will be grateful to you, even if he never expresses this gratitude out loud. For him, the feeling of control and guardianship has not only practical, but also psychological significance: he feels the stability of his life, its reliability, feels the firmness of his parents, feels that they are ready to bear responsibility for him. Yes, he protests, he resists, he threatens not to go to school - remain firm and calm (even if visible!), do not raise your voice.
Your son needs to refuse temptations, as a rule, alcohol and drugs, which are offered to him by the yard company. At the same time, he strives to remain part of the company of his peers, not to be a “black sheep” in it. The restrictions and boundaries that you create for him are an excellent excuse, as teenagers say, an “excuse” in order to avoid questionable actions, blaming everything on the “ancestors” who demand to return home at 22.00, and sober, without bad breath. and cloudy eyes. It is easier for a teenager to resist temptations if there is an opportunity to shift responsibility for their refusal to their parents.
How to talk to him?
Let's try to figure out how to talk to our growing son. Previously, a child with all his troubles would run to his mom and dad, without doubting that they would be able to help and console. Why, having matured, did he suddenly move away? And, most importantly, how to become a close friend of your teenage son again?
A child, and even more so a teenager, reacts very sensitively to intonation. And in response to the wrong tone, falsehood or indifference, he can withdraw, walling himself off with a wall of silence or monosyllabic answers. But any teenager (even the most desperate “daredevils” are no exception) needs, first of all, sincere interest and, of course, fatherly praise. Mother's love is unconditional: you exist, and mom loves you for it. But father’s praise and pride still need to be earned, and the more valuable it is for the boy. Dear dads, please find something to praise your son for. But only sincerely, and not “for show”!
Of course, if your son has done something wrong, and the situation requires a harsh “debriefing”, well, this is your sacred duty, but you should not “read the moral” for too long. And, first of all, understand for yourself what exactly you want to convey through an educational conversation, remember yourself at his age - have you really never done anything reprehensible? Of course, you need to understand difficult situations, but in such a way that if problems arise, your son does not feel awkward turning to you for advice.
Preventive recommendations from psychologists for parents of teenagers
You can avoid problems with raising a teenager if you follow several recommendations from psychologists:
- Parents must understand that a child is an individual, so you must be interested in his opinion, try to negotiate, and not force.
- Set clear rules. You cannot change your behavior or opinion every time depending on the circumstances. The rules must be followed by all family members.
- To have influence on a child, parents, first of all, must become an authority for him. Do not smoke, drink alcohol or quarrel in the presence of a child.
- Communicate more with your children. Talking and sharing your problems is a tradition for every family.
Watch this funny video.
Paternal authority
In adolescence, any boy vitally needs a man nearby, whose authority will be undeniable for him. Even the most hopeless “mother’s sons” find such a person in their environment: if this person is not the father (after all, there are single-parent families), then it can be a grandfather, uncle, teacher, coach. But if this is the norm for a single-parent family, then in a complete family the father will still have to make efforts to be an indisputable authority in the eyes of his growing son. This is difficult if you are far from your son’s interests, and as a sign of attention you simply give him another toy. But it is the father who should understand what might be interesting to his school-aged son. Showing sincere interest in the hobbies of your grown-up boy is one of the ways to gain his trust and become closer spiritually.
In addition, it is the father who can (and should) teach his son to do all the necessary “male” housework. This will definitely come in handy for a teenager in adulthood.
A growing son definitely needs to set aside time to communicate with peers. It will be more convenient for the father in this situation to set priorities: first you cope with your responsibilities, then you can be free.
Well, of course, you can’t do without a personal example. After all, it is from his father that a boy needs to learn correct masculine behavior, the ability to be responsible and organized. Perhaps it makes sense to handle some household chores together, and solving common problems will provide many topics for discussion. And dad will have the opportunity to take a closer look at his son’s inclinations and talents and draw certain conclusions. For example, that it is absolutely not necessary for a future computer genius to torture an innocent violin, but playing sports is more than necessary.
How to find a common language with a teenager - Causes of conflicts and ways to resolve them
Let's talk about exactly what reasons are the main irritating factors in conflicts between teenagers and their parents. Conventionally, they can be divided into the following groups:
- Conflicts of generations. This situation arises when parents are quite conservative, are not ready to make concessions, and use the “stick” method in education. They cease to be a worthy authority in the child’s eyes. Such conflict passes from generation to generation. Only the attributes change. So, if in the 19th century parents could not come to terms with a short dress or manicure, then in the 21st century - with black lipstick, a pierced nose or tongue.
Of course, you need to be attentive to your grown-up children. It is not easy to recognize in non-standard behavior or clothing a way of self-expression, and, possibly, alarming signals. Parents learn that a child has ended up in a certain sect or society where immature minds are controlled in their own interests by adult uncles and aunts already when the child is on the verge of suicide.
You might be interested in: Causes of suicide in teenagers
Therefore, to resolve the conflict, the parents themselves must make reasonable concessions, because such “incomprehensible” behavior is the child’s way of self-expression. Try to become one with your son or daughter. Listen to the music he listens to. Ask him to throw a party for your family where everyone will be casual and have a fun time together. Try, when talking with him, to avoid lectures about his appearance. Such conversations usually irritate teenagers terribly. Yes, you want the best for him, but you can convey this mission to his consciousness in a different way. Without stirring up conflicts and unnecessary disputes.
With age, attempts at self-expression that are strange from your point of view usually go away. And the green forelock turns into strictly combed hair, and torn jeans into an intelligent suit. Parents need to “breathe out” and let their grown-up child independently find not only his own path in life, but also a way of presenting himself to people. The way he sees himself directly depends on his inner worldview at a given period of time.
It is in our power to help ensure that the child’s inner world develops in harmony with his internal needs and desires. Be your child's friend, literally and figuratively.
- Systemic misunderstanding. It usually occurs much earlier than adolescence. Certain events, facts about parents or their behavior could always outrage or shock a child, but he could not express his protest in childhood. Having matured a little and gained courage, the teenager began to take revenge for his grievances. Such situations often arise when parents once drank, went to work and left their child with relatives.
Why does a teenager react sensitively and painfully to any actions of his parents? If he grew up in a dysfunctional family, he received a negative example. The child is offended and embittered at everyone. He is in conflict, he does not have a clear awareness of his actions.
The result of such an environment is often the separation of the teenager from his family. In the company of guys with similar problems, he feels like someone needs him. The only way to solve such a problem is to eradicate the cause of the unwanted behavior. That is, parents must establish personal relationships and create a prosperous atmosphere at home.
- Another reason for misunderstanding in the family is the teenager’s demand for personal space. The opportunity to be alone, communicate with friends, have your own personal secrets. The desire to get out of control. In order to demonstrate their independence, self-sufficiency, some children may run away from home and behave inappropriately, from the point of view of adults.
This problem can be solved after a frank conversation with the child. Perhaps you should trust him more, shift some responsibilities to the teenager, and control him less. Show maximum respect for the interests of the child. You should not enter his room without knocking, read notes, or take his things without permission.
What seems like an insignificant detail to mom or dad can cause serious offense to their offspring. A teenager must trust his parents, and this trust must be earned. Just because a child has grown up does not mean that he does not need affection. Talk to him, be interested in his life, meet his friends. However, if the child is against it, you should not do it by force.
Try to organize a vacation with the whole family. You can go out into nature or go to the movies. There is no need to be offended if the response does not follow immediately. Perhaps your son or daughter considers themselves old enough and it seems to them that it is shameful to show their feelings. Be patient. Don’t push: let the child figure everything out on his own. Create warmth and comfort at home, then the teenager will understand that he is loved and always ready to help. Remember how hard you experienced your own adolescence and be patient. Peace and mutual understanding will definitely come!
- False values. Often a child can set the wrong priorities for himself and not fully understand what is “good” and what is “bad.” Therefore, alcohol, drugs, online games become the norm for a teenager. This situation happens in cases where parents behave incorrectly or do not raise their child at all. Sometimes children behave this way when such a bad example is set by people who are an authority for them, for example, older brothers or sisters, “cool” classmates, friends in the yard. This is a very serious educational problem. To save a teenager, it is necessary to involve psychologists, sometimes the help of a psychiatrist is required.
Having noticed the problem in time, parents can fully and correctly help their child. By taking care of the proper organization of his studies, leisure time and other important moments in life for your son or daughter, you become not just an indifferent spectator, but a full-fledged participant in the process. This is not about the fact that you have to organize and arrange everything for him, but you simply must be aware of who he is friends with, where he goes and what he is interested in!
- Sexual activity. Beginning early sexual activity, adolescents consider themselves equal to their parents. They do not pay attention to their studies, they think more about realizing their sexual desires, so raising a teenager becomes very difficult. You can get out of this situation if you offer him some other pleasure. This might be a trip abroad, buying a guitar or drum set. Intimate relationships for a teenager can be compensated by hobbies.
The problems of raising teenagers become more complicated if they also include:
- Conflicts between parents;
- Unfavorable social environment (for example, when a teenager is raised in a crime-prone area and communicates with immoral people);
- Incorrect management style in the family (authoritarianism and excessive loyalty are inappropriate when raising a child. It is better for parents to stick to the golden mean);
- The number of children in the family and the time that parents devote to raising each of them;
- Poor performance at school.
Looking for common interests
Sincere attention to your son's hobbies will allow you to find common topics that are interesting to both of you. Yes, this is not difficult, since almost all boys love technology and computer games, and, in addition, a significant part of the grown-up sons are interested in sports and/or modern music. Of course, in order to discuss these topics with your son, you will have to at least get a general idea of what he listens to and what he plays. Perhaps it wouldn’t be a bad idea to even organize a home championship, defeating computer monsters, or attend a concert of your favorite rock band with your son, watch films that interest him, read books that he is delighted with. It may not be exactly the kind of literature or music that you like, but you will always have something to discuss! Argue, debate, even allow yourself to be defeated in an argument. Try to expand his range of interests - teach him to read more serious literature and listen to more complex music.
Little love epidemics
As we have already said, adolescents have an extraordinary tendency to imitate: after all, it is vital for them to be the same as the boys in their “reference group”, not to differ from the group, to merge with it. Teenagers are characterized by various psychological “epidemics”: in the field of fashion, in musical tastes and preferences, in sports, even in speech. Among others - a love epidemic.
As soon as a couple in love appears in the ninth, tenth, eleventh grade, several more couples are formed within a few days: two, three, four. At the same time, another five or six boys are trying to form a permanent couple, intensively courting girls from their own or a parallel class, girls from their own or a neighboring house, writing them love text messages and just notes. Very quickly the epidemic spreads to neighboring classes, and soon we see that during breaks at school there are already a dozen couples “cooing”, and they are returning from school together.
These couples, of course, are very different: some are already sexually active, others don’t even kiss, they are “friends” and communicate - although they are all the same or approximately the same age. Some couples, although formed as a result of the epidemic, will last a long time - several years, some of them will develop into real marriages: in large cities of Russia, every ninth man (11%!) is married to his “school sweetheart”.
The better the school, the more love couples there are and the higher the proportion of those couples for whom school friendship culminated in marriage. American adolescent psychologists discovered this pattern 50 years ago: in good schools, student cohesion is higher, their attitude towards each other is more positive, they rate each other higher, they spend more time at school (in various clubs, etc.). As a result, there are more loves and “loves,” and these “loves” are stronger.
Unhappy first love of teenagers
Teenage love is very often unhappy. It is family, friends and even literature that can help cope with feelings. The passage of this difficult period will largely determine the subsequent development of personality. Some teenagers experience such strong negative emotions that they withdraw into themselves, suppress negative feelings, and for a long time do not decide to have relationships with the opposite sex. Subsequent romantic attachments end in nothing, and sad teenage experiences largely contribute to this.
How can parents help their teenager cope with anxiety? During this period, support is very important - it will help smooth out the feelings provoked by unsuccessful relationships.
The ideal option is if the child himself comes to you to share a personal tragedy. The first task of a parent is to listen carefully and not criticize anyone. Keep negative statements to yourself about who is causing your child to suffer now. This person is still significant to him, and criticism of him may unwittingly alienate the child from you. Support your son or daughter, tell him that for now this seems incredible to him, but soon his feelings will change.
In the first days of emotional shock, allow the child some weaknesses, be more lenient with his whims. If a girl really wants to get a new dress, give her such a gift, let her self-esteem increase. The young man can be allowed not to attend several lessons, instead working out in the gym or on the sports ground - this will make it easier for him to throw out his negative emotions.
During this period, family support is of great importance. Do not brush aside his inner experiences - now this is more important than social conventions. It is important to maintain trust. Don’t get into his correspondence, don’t follow him, don’t try to get involved in the relationships of separated teenagers. If you have questions for your son or daughter, ask them directly, show your readiness for support under any circumstances.
When there is reason to be wary if a teenager has suicidal thoughts. In some cases, these are ordinary demonstrations designed to attract attention. In any case, this is a reason to talk to a specialist.
