Conflicts in relationships: what they lead to and how to make them work for you

Couple relationships are not the easiest thing

. Every couple sooner or later experiences conflicts, resentments, and misunderstandings. This can happen both early in the relationship and later. It all depends on how people open up to each other; some can show their shortcomings right away, while others can hide them for years and not show them, fearing that their loved one will leave.

If quarrels between a man and a woman occur constantly, they are quite intense, even insults and in some cases even physical violence - this is far from the norm

. This behavior exhausts a person in an incredible way; constant stress will affect not only the emotional level, but also the physical one. A person under constant stress gets sick more, is less joyful and thinks that the person with whom he is in a relationship is not really the one he needs.

If quarrels do not occur so often, you are able to resolve conflicts, talk, compromise - such relationships are quite normal

. We are all different people and everyone may not be satisfied with something, so he has the right to express what does not suit him.

Not everyone will remain silent and endure. And is it necessary to endure? Is it really normal for a person who tolerates what he cannot tolerate? Thus, he pushes all his complaints and grievances very deep. But how long will they stay there? Sooner or later, everything that a person has been accumulating for many months or even years will come out, only with a more destructive and powerful effect.

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Important!

Strong quarrels can begin in a week, a month or a year. It all depends on your personal qualities and the cause of conflicts.

In what cases is a quarrel not normal?

In any fights, you need to evaluate how much you fight, how often it happens, in what situations it happens, and what the reason is.

Constant nagging

If in your relationship, you constantly cling to each other over all sorts of trifles and little things. For example, if you didn’t wash your plate after yourself, didn’t take out the trash, and is also accompanied by strong aggression, then this is not normal. Learn not to find fault with every little thing; if you can do something yourself, then do it.

Constant bitterness

In normal relationships, after a quarrel, people come to some kind of decision and continue to live and enjoy each other

. But if after a quarrel it doesn’t get better, if after a quarrel you are still angry at each other, everything annoys you, then you should think about it. You need to think and change something, you don’t have to immediately draw sad conclusions, or even break up.

Insults

If, in the process of sorting out the relationship, you begin to insult each other, remember the past, and with a hostile attitude begin to say that “You did this,” or “Do you remember...”. In this relationship there is no banal respect for each other.

Important!

In a relationship between two people, insults are not acceptable in any situation.

Hidden quarrel

As we have already said, the most important thing is to find what caused the conflict. Then, you need to make sure that both are satisfied with everything

. It happens that neither partner even has the desire to find a common language and find a solution to the situation. This is the most stupid behavior possible.

Important!

Remember, your job is to independently evaluate the relationship you are in.
There is no answer that would say: “You need to break up urgently” or “It’s just a quarrel, it’s okay.” This will not happen, make a decision and take full responsibility upon yourself. If you are in doubt or want to fix everything, it is better to consult a psychologist
.

How to behave correctly when you have a quarrel with your loved one

Regardless of the cause of the conflict, you should behave correctly, refrain from shouting and insults, and find the shortest path to reconciliation. The following tips will help you with this:

1. The golden rule of any quarrel. Before you say anything to your partner, ask yourself: “Do I want to be right or happy?” Most likely, you will find ways for reconciliation, but on emotions you can say a lot of unpleasant and offensive phrases to your partner. The quarrel will pass, but caustic words can sink deep into the soul of your loved one. Remembering them, he will feel unhappy. Is this your true goal?
2. Avoid direct accusations and insults. Psychologists recommend carefully analyzing your speech. Instead of “You messages,” use “I messages.” In other words, you shouldn’t say, “You’re so selfish, you didn’t warn me that you’d be late, you don’t think about me at all.” Instead, say: “I was waiting for you all night, I was very nervous and worried, I thought you were in trouble.” This way you will achieve two goals at once. First, reduce the emotional intensity of the conflict and avoid direct accusations of your partner. Secondly, it will be easier for your partner to understand your emotions and thoughts. Most likely, after a complaint voiced from the position of “I-message”, the loved one will realize that he was wrong and will apologize.
3. If a conflict has arisen, then it needs to be ended here and now. It would be a mistake if you do not discuss all the unpleasant moments and hush up the quarrel. It will flare up with renewed vigor with further disagreements, and it will be more difficult for you to control yourself. You can give each other time to rest and collect your thoughts, and then return to the unpleasant conversation without unnecessary emotions.
4. Stop on time. The quarrel can be short, or it can grow like a snowball. Regardless of the hurt, rage, or heartache, one partner should be the first to stop responding to the other's words. And at this moment it doesn’t matter at all who is right and who is wrong. Your goal is to improve relationships, so someone needs to make an effort of will. You and your partner can come up with a safe word, such as your honeymoon location or your baby's name. This word will signal that you cannot continue the conflict and must restore your moral strength.
5. Keep your promises. If you promised something during a quarrel, then try to do everything to keep your word. Your partner will be very pleased to see how hard you try for the relationship, and he, for his part, will also want to please you. If you don't keep your promises, you will set a bad example for your loved one.

Learn to sincerely forgive your partner after a fight. Resentment hidden in the heart negatively affects our spiritual balance and emotional state, and prevents us from being a truly happy person. It is much easier to get rid of this unpleasant feeling forever.

Causes of quarrels

The causes of conflicts can be very different, but still there are basic problems that everyone faces, both people in marriage and just people in the beginning of a love relationship.

Don't want to change

When you start your journey with someone you care about, it is simply impossible not to change your usual way of life. Due to the fact that many do not want to change their old habits, which are in no way suitable for living together, many couples separate.

Selfishness

A fairly common problem in many families, if people are not ready to sacrifice something for the sake of another, this will lead to dire consequences. Caring and helping your loved one is the fundamental basis for a strong relationship

. Learn to understand, sympathize, give in and sacrifice your needs for the sake of another, in order to endure certain periods of life well together.

Failure to fulfill one's obligations

Everything is quite simple here, everyone plays their role. A woman gives the home coziness and comfort

(cleaning, washing, cooking dinner), where a man always wants to return with joy.

The man, in turn, must help around the house with other things, for example, repairing sockets, faucets, sewer pipes and all other things that require male strength

. And also, he must take care of the financial well-being of the family, protection and in solving other important problems.

Important!

In today's world, a lot is already changing, women are able to earn and provide. But if this does not happen, it is better to resort to the usual responsibilities of each partner. Remember that in any relationship, balance is important, with everyone playing their part for the benefit of the family.

Reasons why relationships fail

A strong relationship is the joint work of 2 people who compromise, learn and develop. If you don't invest time and effort into a relationship, there will definitely be discord over time. It will be possible to save them if there is a desire for this and if the signs indicating the breakdown of the relationship are recognized in time.

How to understand that a relationship is in danger?

7 signs that there is a crisis in your relationship

1. Lost interest in spending time together. This suggests that the couple began to move away from each other. They are still held together by their common life, but they already need to think about strengthening the relationship;
2. Frequent quarrels over trifles. Conflicts and clarification of relationships are present in a healthy family, but, as a rule, they end in reconciliation. In a family that is on the verge of a break, quarrels occur frequently and end with everyone remaining with their own opinion. People quarrel because they disagree on basic issues. And this is one of the common reasons for breakups;
3. There are no heart-to-heart conversations. Such conversations bring people together and unite them. They discuss what is happening in their souls, what is happening in the world. When people have no desire to have frank conversations, this indicates that they have moved away from each other;
4. When problems arise in a relationship, it takes time to restore stability. After emerging from a crisis situation, if the couple makes the right conclusions, the relationship becomes stronger and more harmonious. And if something goes wrong, the relationship becomes cool;
5. People who live together for a long time can get tired of each other. In this case, a short separation, a banal break from each other, will help normalize the relationship;
6. To live in harmony, mutual respect between partners is necessary. When grievances and disappointments accumulate for a long time, a person sees only shortcomings in his partner. Because of this, respect is lost, which manifests itself in mutual reproaches, insults, and disregard for the opinions of others. And without respect, relationships lose meaning;
7. There is no tactile contact. Happy people always hug, kiss, and hold each other's hands. In crumbling relationships, people avoid tactile contact, keep their distance from each other, move away and protect personal space.

Any relationship can be saved, but only if both people want it. Otherwise, the idea is doomed to failure.

What to do if there are constant quarrels in a relationship?

To quarrel less often or not quarrel at all, two people must treat each other with respect. It is necessary to discuss all the issues that do not suit each other, but this must be done without emotions. It is advisable to calm down before the discussion and speak constructively, rather than shouting ill-considered phrases and accusations at your partner.

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Stop bringing up the past

Being stuck in the past is a problem for many people

, many people are constantly digging through their underwear. They want to know what the partner had in the past, who he was and how many partners he had. This is only a small part of what people fight about.

Also, when a scandal arises, a person begins to remember his past mistakes, which is why the scandals become stronger.

• but remember, you did such a bad thing then, but I kept silent;
• but you remember you offended me by saying that I forgot to wash the dishes and that I am not at all a housekeeper.

And there can be hundreds of such complaints, and if you remember this at every quarrel, then it will never end. You both need to understand that the past remains in the past.

. And most importantly, you must resolve this past once and for all, putting an end to it.

Resolve the issue immediately

Very often couples make the same mistake, trying to resolve the issue by remaining silent and ignoring each other.

. This behavior is extremely destructive for relationships and sooner or later it will lead to sad consequences, in the form of even stronger quarrels or even separation.

Important!

To prevent this from happening, under no circumstances remain silent and do not endure, waiting for everything to settle down by itself.

Go to your partner, ask him: “Why are you so aggressive?”, “What did I do or did wrong?” Choose your words in a way that is soft and casual

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After listening to your partner, promise that you will not do this again, because you love him (her) and will do everything for his (her) sake, right? Now that you have solved your partner's problems, move on to your own. Tell him/her that you were not pleased and that it hurts you
. Ask him not to do this. If both partners agree with everything that has been said and meet each other, believe me, such a relationship will always have a future.

The use of such words: “You owe me/owe”

If you want to keep your relationship harmonious, with more understanding, compassion, less aggression and more time without any quarrels. That is, words such as: “You are my boyfriend and you owe me” or “You are my girlfriend, you owe me” must be forgotten once and for all

A. In this world, we do not even owe money to our parents; each person is an individual person. Therefore, a person does certain actions based on his needs.

Important!

Instead of saying: “You owe me or owe me,” say: “I would really like to...” or “I would be happy or would be happy if...”.

High expectations

Nowadays, movies about relationships distort the real picture of reality.

. They show the beginning of a relationship where people are crazy about each other and can’t take their eyes off each other for days. The films don’t show what happens next, and if they do, it’s all very sweet and cloudless.

Many people are looking for a second half, dreaming of how it will be, who it will be, what kind of wedding, what financial status and much more. And if their dreams do not coincide with reality, they begin to get upset and demand from their partner what was in their imagination

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You must understand that life can have its own game and its own scenario, something can always go wrong as you wanted. We're not telling you to completely eliminate your dreams and your life, just lower the bar on your demands and expectations
.

Important!

Worry less and do more yourself.

Find out the relationship correctly

If your quarrel begins immediately with claims, threats, and even in an aggressive manner, then this will in any case lead to lengthy curses, even if you are right. By raising your tone at your partner, you hurt his self-esteem

. And this, in turn, leads to a backlash, an unfriendly reaction, even if he knows that he is wrong.

How to behave so that the conflict is more constructive

:

• if you have a choice: “remain silent” or “shout,” then always choose “silence”;
• Do not interrupt your partner under any circumstances, let him speak;
• speak in a calm tone;
• do not prove that you are right, but argue (with facts).
• If, however, your conversation takes place in a raised tone, then tell your partner that you do not intend to speak in such a tone. Wait until you both calm down and then talk again
  .

Important!

Learn to control your emotions; this skill will be useful not only in relationships, but also in other areas of life.

Watch your words

If at every quarrel, you throw around hurtful words just to stroke your ego. In this case, be sure that your relationship will quickly lead to a breakup, not to mention constant quarrels with your loved one.

Quote!

The tongue is the most dangerous weapon: a wound from a sword is easier to heal than from a word.

Pedro Calderon de la Barca

Why relationships fail

Life is arranged in such a way that “people meet, people fall in love, get married”...

But not everyone lives a long, happy life together; some break up. It has always been so, so it is and so it will be.

Why do relationships come to an end, and people, at first glance devoted to each other, separate?

Some people marry out of youth and stupidity, and then it turns out that husband and wife are two complete strangers to each other, who are not united even by their children.

Before tying the knot, you need to get to know the person well. Know what he is interested in, what his plans for life are, what his priorities are.

People are designed in such a way that they need a loved one, they want human warmth. And they start a relationship from which they expect a lot. But sooner or later, an epiphany inevitably comes.

There are happy exceptions when illusory love turns into real.

It happens that one of the partners has to put up with the shortcomings of the other. At first it’s not very annoying, but over time it starts to irritate and enrage. One day a person explodes, expresses what hurts him, and then separation is inevitable.

Very often people are silent when they need to express their opinion; you don’t want to start a quarrel. They don’t talk about their desires and expectations, apparently hoping that their partner will figure it out himself. But no miracle happens, nothing changes, and the shortcomings remain.

Changes happen to people in marriage. And it’s good if this time has been beneficial. You didn’t waste your time, studied, improved your educational level and became more erudite and reasonable. They took care of themselves and became prettier.

And if you do nothing to change your life for the better, then over time you may find a strange and unpleasant stranger next to you. Former love is cracking, and there is no one to blame for this. This is called “the relationship has exhausted itself.”

How to improve relationships after a quarrel?

After a quarrel between a man and a woman, different feelings arise. Both people may feel hurt, angry, depressed

, they may think that their feelings have faded and this relationship cannot be saved. You should not make hasty conclusions, especially based on emotions. Any relationship can be restored and a second wind can be opened in it. But how to do this largely depends on you. If you have no desire for this, and no desire to give in and figure things out, then, alas, nothing will work out.

Determine the cause of the quarrel

The most important thing to do is to understand the cause of the conflict and disagreement

. It happens that the problem is not even in the relationship; maybe your partner is experiencing tension at work, with friends or parents. And a quarrel is a way to throw out your emotions.

Important!

Analyze the situation and find the very essence of the problem, and then solve it together.

Talk about feelings

When emotions have faded, it is so important to share what you felt during the fight and how you feel after the fight. Try to discuss your feelings together. During or after an argument, you may have experienced:

• fear;
• loneliness;
• depression;
• misunderstanding;
• shame.

Important!

Talk about these feelings and share them with your significant other.

Trust your partner

Trust is one of the basic rules of successful relationships.

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You have to stop controlling your partner, like where he went, who he went with, stop checking his phone or worse, spying on him. So many couples break up because they simply don’t trust each other
; they constantly create different situations in their heads that may never have happened and never will happen. Trusting each other incredibly strengthens relationships.

Important!

Of course, if a person plays with your feelings and has already deceived you more than once, then you should be more wary.

On the road to reconciliation

First of all, you need to understand that the occurrence of a quarrel is a normal phenomenon in the relationship between a man and a woman. Several factors can play a key role in the emergence of conflicts between you and your boyfriend:

• Differences in the psychology of men and women. In the language areas of the brain, women have 17% more neurons than men. This explains the desire to express one's emotions through communication. The limit of words spoken by a woman per day is 8,500. The most talkative people use about 15,000 words. An impressive figure. The communication limit of the stronger sex is limited to 3500-4000 words. It is important to note that men use communication exclusively as a means of communication. They prefer to relax in silence, while women need emotional relief;
• A woman by nature thinks and talks about several things at the same time. Men tend to pay attention to a specific problem. The male brain is tuned to perform a specific task; it simply cannot perceive an unlimited flow of information;
• Women are prone to empathy and during a conversation pay special attention to the intonation of their interlocutor. Representatives of the fair sex tend to make decisions under the influence of emotions, while men are reasonable in their actions;
• Men perceive veiled information very poorly and do not understand hints. When talking to him, avoid ambiguity. Express the essence as specifically as possible;
• The male half of humanity turns out to be completely helpless in everyday situations. Spatial thinking is to blame. A young man may have an excellent understanding of the exact sciences and mechanics, but stubbornly ignore simple everyday trifles. For example, a new hairstyle for your companion.

Men's perception of the world around them is significantly different from women's. But there is no need to argue with nature, since the characteristics inherent in representatives of different sexes, together, perfectly complement each other.

Anatomy of quarrels between a man and a woman

Quarrel has both positive and negative meanings. Constructive discussion identifies problems and relieves tension, but prolonged conflict can destroy harmony. Establishing the causes of the quarrel, diplomacy and patience will help you get out of the “battle” with the least emotional losses.

10 main reasons

Resolving disagreements begins with identifying their causes. Psychologists cite 10 main factors leading to conflict situations:

1. Relationships with parents (conflicts with mother-in-law, mother-in-law), raising a child.
2. Differences in lifestyle, character, interests.
3. Jealousy, suspicion of betrayal.
4. Financial difficulties.
5. Sexual dissatisfaction.
6. Addiction of one of the partners (gambling, alcohol, drugs).
7. Routine, everyday troubles.
8. Lack of care and attention.
9. Infringement of freedom, increased control.
10. Disrespect for your partner's opinions and feelings.

Both minor and major sources of disagreement can derail a relationship. To prevent this from happening, it is worth finding a compromise solution through dialogue.

Positive side

Conflicts can be creative. They have a positive impact on relationships and help personal development:

1. More trust. During disagreements, partners open up to each other emotionally. Such experience eliminates the fear of misunderstanding. This allows you not to put off solving complex issues indefinitely.
2. Relieving tension. You can't store emotions inside. Timely expression of grievances reduces the scale of the quarrel and has a beneficial effect on the mental well-being of the couple.
3. Reduced requirements. Lovers often paint an ideal image. Failure to comply with it leads to disappointment. In quarrels comes understanding and acceptance of the partner’s shortcomings. This makes the relationship not ephemeral, but real and sustainable.
4. Rapprochement. Partners who quarrel violently reconcile in bed in the same way. Passionate sex makes a couple stronger.
5. Crash test. Quarrel is used as a tool to test strength. After it, conclusions are drawn about the continuation of the relationship and the presence of problems.

Quarrels make each partner better - more understanding, patient and caring. People learn to listen and hear each other. They do not avoid problematic situations, but boldly seek solutions. High expectations and reproaches are replaced by acceptance of the other half with all its shortcomings.

Negative components

Quarrels often become the starting point of separation. There are several signs of such destructive conflicts:

1. Ridicule, name-calling and assault. When partners stoop to verbal humiliation and fights in quarrels, trying to hurt each other more painfully, their relationship cannot be called healthy. There is no place for love and respect in them.
2. Irritation over little things. Frequent squabbles that grow out of nothing, “blowing mountains out of molehills,” constantly expressed discontent indicate the need for separation.
3. Persistent resentment and anger. Negative emotions remaining after a quarrel are exhausting. The conflict subsides only for a while, flaring up again. Relationships cannot exist for long under this scenario.
4. Silence. Demonstrative ignoring can drag on for a long time. Avoiding conversation is a sign of reluctance to find common ground and compromise. Stubbornness will destroy a couple if the approach to the situation is not rethought.

READ
How to get rid of falling in love: effective methods

Destructive quarrels reveal problems in a couple or become their cause. Building relationships is sometimes difficult, but making concessions and forgiving for the sake of love is normal.

Reasons for constant strife

People argue both at the beginning of a relationship and in a long-term marriage. Constant quarrels in relationships occur for various reasons. There are 2 main ones:

1. Narcissism. Unwillingness to sacrifice and give in for the sake of a loved one, to change your habits and interests.
2. Failure to perform household duties. Stability and harmony are the key to a couple’s happiness. Disagreements are inevitable when one of the partners suddenly stops following the established pattern.

If quarrels in a couple occur periodically, and the tension does not go away, you should try to call your partner for a dialogue on your own or pay a visit to a family psychologist.

How to end destructive dialogue and make peace

Immediately after a disagreement, you need to think about what was said. You can analyze a quarrel in writing, mark out the main points, and express your feelings. This practice will help you calm down and look at the situation from the outside. To stop the conflict, you need to exhaust it. To do this, you should discuss everything with your partner, putting your thoughts and emotions in order.

Distraction will help you calm down after a scandal. You need to occupy your hands and brain with any activity - read a book, tidy up the house.

You can express your feelings on the Internet by asking the appropriate question on the forum. Users will share their experiences, support and encourage.

To make peace with your loved one if the quarrel was his fault, you should abandon accusations and reproaches. Patience, understanding and sincere dialogue will help resolve the conflict situation.

If the fault lies with the girl, she needs to admit she was wrong and apologize. This is important to eliminate the man’s resentment, otherwise it will become a source of further strife and breakdown of relationships.

If a guy doesn’t want to communicate after a quarrel and avoids open conversation, you should wait a few days. It is not always possible to express your position out loud; it is better to send a message or write a letter to your loved one. This will help you analyze the situation, get rid of unnecessary emotions and, perhaps, see a hidden way to resolve the conflict.

READ

Effective ways to support a man in a difficult situation from a distance with words and actions

How to achieve peace and harmony in relationships

Every person wants to have a person next to him who understands him, knows how to listen, and can support and help in difficult times. This is the kind of person you want to live your whole life with.

You must accept the fact that your partner is not like you, he is different. And each person understands ideal relationships in his own way.

Relationships are the coordinated efforts of two people, built on reciprocity - mutual assistance, help and support.

It is necessary to understand that there is not only your point of view on the world around you. Your partner also has his own opinion, which may not coincide with yours and it would be wrong to change it to suit yourself.

Love is the desire to help a person, to make his life better. And if a person wants to be happy, selfishness should not come first. If a person is selfish, it will not be possible to build strong and lasting relationships with him. You need to get rid of selfishness, forget about your desires, learn to respect the person who is next to you.

Selfishness is behavior determined by a person’s desire for his own benefit. A strong form of egoism is considered to be defending exclusively one's own benefit. At the same time, a person can help another if it benefits him personally.

Source Wikipedia

We must accept his opinion, share his views on life and not try to change the person.

To achieve peace and harmony with your loved one, you need to overcome pride, ambition, and the thirst for power. You need to live your own life and participate in the life of your husband and family, be close, be together, but only when they need it. They should have freedom, the right to decide and choose for themselves.

There are only 2 irreparable things - an incurable disease and the death of a loved one. Nothing can be done here. Everything else can be fixed.

Has your loved one passed away? So what, what terrible happened? Look at it this way. You find yourself free, become independent and happy. Each person has his own life, which he himself creates and lives.

Women who are in their second or third marriage can understand me. When the first marriage failed, the situation seemed hopeless. Later you met your loved one, with whom you are now happy and you cannot imagine how you would live if you missed your loved one in life.

There is no need to be afraid to change or lose, because changes will bring new sensations, and losses will bring new meetings. And even after what you had to suffer and endure, you will learn a lesson - you will become strong and wise.