Why can't you praise children?
Some psychologists, as well as developers of special education systems, argue that children do not need praise. One of them is Maria Montessori, who became the author of a sensational education system.
Why you shouldn't praise children:
- She believes that it is enough for children to understand that the parent is observing a specific action, while allowing the child to carry it out.
- Accordingly, children do not need approval. You can’t say “Well done.”
- This is especially true for parents who do not know the limits and even the first drawings of their children are called a masterpiece. You can’t do this, because at school someone will say that this is not a painting at all, but a shambles.
Praise
Why praise children?
Modern psychologists are still confident that not a single person is able to live without praise.
Why praise children:
- Increasing your child's self-esteem
- Validation of correct actions
- Commitment to development
- Striving for excellence and improving skills
- Instilling the necessary routine work skills
Baby
How to praise a child correctly?
Many parents rush from one extreme to another. Some people constantly praise children, considering a small thing to be the greatest achievement, while others do this very rarely, because in everything you need to know when to stop. The fact is that children who are never praised find it very difficult to evaluate their own actions.
How to praise a child correctly:
- At the initial stage, when the child is still a preschooler and goes to kindergarten, he needs to be told what is good and what is bad, to stimulate his development, and to do his homework.
- The child must understand that some actions are liked by parents, but some things cannot be done. It is for these purposes that praise was invented.
- Of course, there is no need to praise your child 100 times for the same achievement, especially if it concerns routine homework.
- There is no need to praise for fulfilling duties, or do it very restrained.
Upbringing
Correctly praise the drawing
Instead of: “Great drawing!” It’s better to say: “You chose the shades wonderfully. How many details are there! You even kept the character’s proportions!”
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While it's easier to say, "Great drawing," focusing on the details shows that you truly appreciate his work.
Recommendations on how to properly praise a child
Below are recommendations on how to praise your child correctly. There are several “don’ts” that you should adhere to when praising a child:
- Under no circumstances should you compare a child with someone else or say that he is better. Try to avoid any comparisons at all.
- In no case should you compare children of the same family, that is, brother and sister, or brothers. This leads to competition and fuels hatred between children. In this case, they will be forced to fight for the attention and praise of the parent and become enemies of each other.
- Under no circumstances should you praise and criticize a child at the same time. Everything has its time. It is imperative to discreetly praise the child, but the next time the work is performed, it is necessary to point out mistakes. Moreover, it is best to do this in a gentle form, without aggression.
- In no case should praise be used to humiliate someone you know or point out their mistakes. This leads to the child feeling better than others. Under no circumstances should this be done.
Upbringing
Recommendations for adults “How to praise a child”
Irina Pazukhina
Recommendations for adults “How to praise a child”
Your child did something good, how can you react to this?”
1. Say nothing
This approach is very similar to the Montessori method. Maria Montessori wrote that by nature a child does not need praise . The desire to cognize and create is inherent in him, and praise cannot in any way affect his internal motivation, only if the child is not already crippled by constant evaluations from his parents. In Montessori classes, it is generally not customary to praise or make value judgments, and children quickly get used to this and master the ability to independently evaluate their results, learn to test themselves, and check with a model. This saves children from having to turn to the teacher every time to ask whether they completed the task correctly.
2. Indicate your presence with a look or gesture
Sometimes it is important to just be close to the child , and words are not needed here. If a child turns his gaze to you, wanting to attract attention, then you look back at him with love (psychologists call this effect “conveying love with the eyes”
, or touch with your hand, hug.
These seemingly unnoticeable actions will tell the child a lot : that you are nearby; that you care about what he does. No matter what age the child , he will enjoy hugs, kisses and affection.
Classic English literature Joseph Conrad
.
One famous doctor, Virginia Satir, recommended hugging a child several times a day: after all, every baby needs at least 4 hugs a day to survive, and in order for a child to feel good, he needs to be hugged at least 8 times a day.
Such signs of love nourish the emotionally growing organism and help it develop mentally.
3. Tell your child what you see: “What a beautiful car you drew!”
,
“You buttoned the jacket yourself!” The child does not need evaluation; it is important for him to know that you see his efforts, notice the efforts he makes.
Proponents of this approach, well-known experts in the field of communication with children A. Faber and E. Mazlish, recommend praising a child for positive actions in this way. Thus, you will not only express words of approval for the child’s action, you will look into its essence, and also show that you respect the child’s .
4. Ask your child about his work : “Do you like your drawing?”
,
“What was the most difficult?”
,
“How did you manage to draw such an even circle?”
With your questions, you will encourage
your child to think about his work and teach him to independently evaluate his results.
5. Express praise through the lens of your feelings.
Compare the two phrases “Well drawn!”
and
“I really like the way you drew this ship!”
The first is absolutely impersonal.
Who drew what? In the second case, you express your attitude towards the child’s , noting the moments that you especially liked.
6. Separate the assessment of the child and the assessment of the action.
Try to pay attention not to the child’s , but to what he has done, and note this in your praise : “I see that you have put away all the toys. It's great that the room is now clean"
, instead of
“What a neat guy you are!”
7. Praise effort, not results.
your child's efforts : “It must have been hard for you to give half the candy to your friend. It was a generous act on your part!” or “How neatly you wrote those letters, I think you really tried!”
.
This way you will show your child that you appreciate his efforts and understand that being generous, neat, etc. is not so easy.
In addition, in our life it is not always possible to achieve the highest results in everything, for example, it is not always possible to be an excellent student. If you praise only for A's - that is, for the result, and not for the process itself, that is, for effort - then children often quit classes in which they cannot quickly achieve success.
8. Praise in words that reflect your values, so you teach your child the values that are important to you. If you are trying to instill the quality of responsibility in your son, oh.
9. Avoid using superlative words in praise. For example: “best”, “most”, etc., so there will definitely be someone around the child who dances better or who has written the most interesting story, the child will notice this and feel the falseness in your words. Just say that you are proud of his success and notice his efforts.
10. Praise in words your child understands . Words of praise “The illustration for the story is simply masterpiece!”
replace
“Your drawing turned out colorful!”
.
11. Express your thoughts clearly so that for the child to draw a conclusion about who he is and what he is like.
The components of praise are 1 ) our words and 2) the children’s conclusions. When we want to praise a child , we need to express as clearly as possible a positive assessment of the action he has performed, try to express our thoughts in such a way that the child to draw a conclusion about who he is and what he is like. Here are some examples of proper praise .
Correct praise Incorrect praise
Situation No. 1 A child helped his dad wash the car.
1. “Thank you, son, you washed the car great - look how it sparkles!”
1.
“You’re just great”
Child’s conclusion : “I worked conscientiously, dad appreciated my efforts”
The child’s conclusion : there is nothing to draw a conclusion from!
Situation No. 2 The child drew a picture and shows it to the parent.
2. Your drawing is so colorful - especially the butterfly wings.” 2. “Not bad drawn for your age...”
Child’s conclusion : “I can draw butterflies - how cool that is!”
child’s conclusion : “I didn’t live up to a certain ideal, I can do better
.
Situation No. 3 My daughter washed the dishes.
3. “Thank you, daughter, I washed all the dishes, the kitchen is now in order.”
.
3. “Even mom won’t be able to wash the dishes!”
Child’s conclusion : “I’m smart, I helped my mother, now she can rest”
.
Child’s conclusion : “Mom is exaggerating, she probably doesn’t want to upset me.”
12. Be happy for the child . The famous Nikitin family believes that there is no need to specifically praise a child : if a child has done a good deed, you need to be happy for him. "I'm glad when..."
“I feel happy if you…” or just smile, clap your hands. Everyone can check this for themselves: if someone is happy for you, you gain self-confidence, you are ready to
“move mountains
. At the same time, you feel a sense of gratitude and appreciation for someone who is sincerely happy about your success. These feelings bring people together and make them closer.
13. Use I-messages in praise .
There are "I-messages"
and
"You-messages"
in
praise . For example, You-messages may sound like this: “You are so great!”
,
“You’re smart, you tried so hard!”
.Me-messages:
“I’m so proud of you!”
,
“I’m delighted!”
,
"I am so glad!"
.
Children perceive you-messages as a statement of fact: “I did it well!”
This is, of course, nice.
But I-messages carry greater emotional value for a child than You-messages, many times over! If you express praise through the prism of your feelings ( “I really like the way you drew this picture!”
, then the
child perceives it this way: my parents see that I do it well, and this is meaningful to them.
If you tell the child: “ I’m glad that you let your friend play with your favorite car.”
, then this sounds much more accurate than the phrase
“You are very generous
.
After such words, the child will continue to want to share his toys, because his mother respects him for this.
14. Be sincere when praising your child .
Be sincere and honest. Do not exaggerate. Don't flatter. Flattery looks cheap and false in the eyes of a child . Very soon the baby will reveal your insincerity, and then he will begin to be suspicious of any approval on your part.
15. Be specific when encouraging your child .
Send only general comments “ok”
,
“great”
,
“great”
is easy.
Using specific descriptions is a little more difficult because you have to dig deeper into what the child is doing and whether he is doing a good enough job at what he is doing. But it's worth the effort. Description makes the praise sincere and genuine.
16. Don't compare your child to other children.
Praise your child for his efforts , but not for being better than any other child . Don't compare him to other children. Each child has his own talents . Every child is unique . Encourage children to develop their own individuality.
17. Don't mix praise and criticism .
If you praise your child and then criticize him by telling him that he could have done it better, you are making him think that he was not good enough. Saying “You told the poem well, but you need to add some emphasis.”
, you are mixing
praise and criticism . The child will forget praise , but he will remember criticism.
18. Praise your child publicly
Everyone likes to be praised in public. Thus, approve and encourage your child in the presence of others. Give your children the opportunity to hear how positively you speak about them.
19. Don’t bring up previous mistakes from the past.
Never link praise to any previous unpleasant event. For example, if you say, “I thought you would do it just as bad as last time, but you did it.” Even though you tried to praise your child for his current achievements, you associated them with a previous failure. A reminder of a previous mistake can create confusion and confusion in children's thoughts.
20. Take your time
If you are in a hurry, just to quickly praise your child , he begins to suspect you of insincerity and thinks that you are doing it mechanically. He will begin to ignore your praises and , even if you are sincere, next time he will not pay due attention to them.
As you can see, the range of opportunities to express approval of a child is quite wide and certainly does not boil down to standard value judgments. Does this mean that parents should completely abandon the words “well done”
,
"
Good
Excellent" . Of course not. It would be wrong to restrain yourself in those moments when your child’s evoke bright positive emotions in you. But still, there is one of the most reasonable arguments in favor of expanding the range of ways to praise a child - this is an opportunity to once again tell him about your feelings, teach the child to think about himself , instill confidence in his abilities, etc.
And there is no need to explain that the word "well done"
cannot replace the words
“love”
,
“understand”
,
“rejoice”
,
“see”
.
How to praise a child correctly: recommendations from a psychologist
The main task of praise is to teach a child to adequately evaluate his actions and analyze their correctness. Be sure to praise not only the end result, but also the process itself.
How to praise a child correctly, recommendations from a psychologist:
- It's quite normal for children to get a good grade today and be a little lazy tomorrow. This is due to instability of the nervous system and psyche. Accordingly, it is necessary to praise the child not only for good grades and certain achievements, but also for the process itself.
- The kid must be sure that he did the right thing, no matter what the result is. The main task of parents is to convey to the child that he is moving in the right direction, and the end result is not the most important thing.
- In no case should you buy toys for your child as a reward after certain achievements and good grades. Otherwise, all his work will be reduced to a kind of expectation of payment.
- That is, without buying a toy or pocket money, the child will not want to do anything. That is why the main task of parents is to convey that there are certain duties that need to be performed, they do not need praise. Of course, in no case should you exclusively punish a child and avoid praise, considering it unnecessary. Children are not prisoners, so in no case should they be constantly punished and pointed out for mistakes, without subsequent praise for good achievements.
Games
What does praise affect?
- Praise helps a child in many situations in life. With the right praise:
- The baby understands what is possible and what is not;
- His self-esteem is formed. He understands that “I’m good at this.”
- The child feels his importance and, if he does not overdo it, he will be satisfied with himself only in the case.
- Self-motivation is formed.
You should not overdo it with praise; this can, indeed, lead to inflated self-esteem. This is why it is so important to be able to praise your child. But constant scolding and criticism also affects the child in the worst way. The child begins to think badly about himself, that he is a loser. And he doesn’t want to strive for anything. This is why it is so important to praise your child correctly.
How to praise preschool children?
Things are simpler with kids, that is, with preschool-age children. Praise in this case should be emotional, and reinforced with hugs and kisses.
How to praise preschool children:
- That is, the child must understand what he is doing well, and he should associate praise with sincerity, joy and evoke pleasant emotions. Thus, the next time, when performing specific actions, the child will expect joyful emotions and praise.
- This is quite normal; this kind of manifestation of emotion stimulates the development of children and their desire for some kind of work. Of course, it is very difficult to accustom a child to complex homework, so you need to start small.
- If the baby does not like to collect toys, but is happy to help his mother around the house, it is necessary to include them in homework. That is, in this way the parent simply masks certain actions, stimulating their implementation.
Baby
Praise the process, not the person.
Researcher Carol Dweck found that the way parents praise a child can influence the child's way of thinking, problem-solving techniques, perseverance and academic achievement.
Dweck identified two specific mental approaches: fixation and growth.
Children with a fixed way of thinking
Such kids believe that qualities such as intelligence, character and creativity are innate and unchangeable.
In other words, no matter how much they study and how much effort they put in, they are still left with the alignment they received at birth.
Because children with a fixed mindset believe their potential is limited, they avoid tasks that challenge their abilities.
Children with a growth mindset
These children believe that the brain is a kind of “muscle” that can grow and develop as a result of work. They believe that what they are born with is raw material to work with, a starting point.
As a result, they challenge themselves, take on new challenges, tirelessly test their abilities, and thrive.
A curious experiment on how to praise children
Dweck and his colleagues demonstrated the difference in thinking in one experiment in which 4-year-old children were asked to work on puzzles.
They were given the choice to work on a simple problem that they had already solved in the past, or try a completely new, more difficult puzzle.
Those kids who had developed a fixed type of thinking decided to take on simple and familiar puzzles, thereby confirming their existing abilities.
Children with a growth mindset decided that the choice presented was initially strange - why would someone suggest resolving the puzzle instead of offering something new?
Their choice is to test themselves and tackle more complex puzzles. In general, these children are more interested in becoming smarter than in demonstrating how smart they are now.
How to develop a growth mindset in a child through praise?
Praise for a child should be contextual. That is, instead of praising a person (for example, “you are well-mannered”), try praising the process. You have three options on how to do this.
- 1. Praise the strategy
For example, “you found a great way to do this.”
- 2. Praise with specificity.
For example, “You seem to really understand quadratic equations.”
- 3. Praise effort.
For example, “I see that you have been training hard.”
How to praise a girl correctly?
Boys and girls have very different psyches, so praise should be different. A girl, unlike a boy, must be raised with constant unconditional praise.
How to praise a girl correctly:
- That is, it should sound something like this: you are my princess, you are the most beautiful, the best. Only in this case will the girl grow up with high self-esteem and be confident that she is beautiful, regardless of her appearance.
- Even if the child is not very beautiful, with a plump figure, in no case should you lower his self-esteem. In this case, the girl will grow up with low self-esteem, and a lot of troubles will arise in adult life.
- On the contrary, a girl does not need to be told that you embroider very well or keep things clean. The best thing to say is that she is great and the room is very clean. Praise the girl and point out that she is a good housewife. The main differences are that boys’ praise should be specific, for a specific action, while girls’ praise should be general.
Kids
How to praise boys correctly?
With boys the situation is exactly the opposite, due to the characteristics of the psyche. Basically, for boys, everything is connected with action. They think little and quickly carry out some actions. Accordingly, in the case of a boy, praise should not be given to the child himself, but to a specific action.
How to praise boys correctly:
- For example: you’re great because you were able to handle the laces; I’m very glad that you helped me carry heavy packages home, this is what real men do.
- Or this: you do your homework much better, it’s clear that you are maturing and growing.
- Accordingly, boys do not need to be praised “You are the best or well done.” In the case of your son, be sure to specify the praise and indicate why you are praising him.
Children
Useful reminder for parents
- Only truly significant actions and results can deserve a good assessment.
- If a child tries very hard in something, he should definitely be praised for the efforts he makes.
- It is necessary to explain to the child why he is being praised and for what specific action, so that he knows what feelings those around him experience from his actions.
- You should always praise sincerely. Children feel when there are some doubts in the speech of adults, and they themselves may begin to doubt that they are doing everything right.
Don't be afraid to overpraise your child if he really tries. Such praise will serve as an incentive for him to do further good deeds. And if they remain unattended, the child’s interest in positive things may disappear.
How to praise a child or whether to punish a child?
There are many questions regarding how to properly praise and punish a child. As mentioned above, parents tend to intercept, or conversely, punish the child excessively.
How to praise a child, whether to punish a child:
- That is why it is necessary to know when to stop. It is necessary to punish a child, but in no case should you use physical force or loneliness to do this. There is no need to put the child in a corner, punish him, you need to try to connect the main action with the consequences.
- For example, if you broke a toy today, you won’t receive any goodies or any rewards this week. The child must agree with this.
- The main task of parents is to instill in their child that a bad deed will be associated with a specific consequence for which the child himself is responsible. This is a kind of way to instill responsibility for your actions.
- It is necessary to tell the child about the consequences of his wrong actions. That is, if you break toys now, then within a week you will not receive pocket money or rewards in the form of a walk in the children's center or entertainment on the carousel.
Praise
Words to praise children
The child must clearly understand that if an action is carried out, he will be forced to answer for it. Thus, when a child does not want to do his homework, it is necessary to say that if he does not complete his homework now, then tomorrow he will receive a bad mark, and subsequently will not be able to become an astronaut. Of course, this explanation is very primitive, but only so that parents understand how necessary it is to point out a child’s mistake and punish him. Today's parents will agree that punishment is simply necessary.
However, if we remember our childhood and feel again the emotions that we experienced during the punishment, it is clear that we felt nothing but anger, disappointment and despair. Accordingly, the punishment was wrong. Therefore, there is no need to put the child in a corner, much less punish him with the use of brute physical force, beat him or whip him with a belt. The child will have no emotions other than bitterness and anger. It's another matter if you can keep your promise and not give your child a toy. Show that you won’t buy your child’s long-awaited game if he treats his things like this. This instills in the child frugality and teaches him to know the value of money. Below in the table are the words to praise children.
Words of praise
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Parents very often demand a lot from their children, forgetting about praise, demanding exceptionally good grades from them. The child is not able to constantly maintain a high standard when completing difficult homework.
