How do you understand that responsibility is being shifted onto you?

About responsibility. Why do people avoid taking responsibility?

Posted by Alex in the Psychology Articles section To understand why people avoid responsibility, you should first ask yourself the following questions: “What is responsibility?” and “How do you understand where a person takes it upon himself and where he doesn’t?”

I would call responsibility a person's sphere of control. We take responsibility in those situations where we exercise control over what is happening, take part in it, take some actions that contribute to obtaining the results that we need.

It turns out that avoiding responsibility is a refusal for one reason or another to influence the situation, the expectation that the situation will change on its own, or that someone will change it for us. When someone is told: “Take responsibility for your life,” they usually mean: “Finally start doing something so that your life becomes the way you want, instead of complaining about circumstances, continuing.” to go with the flow".

Here it is worth recalling such a well-known concept in psychology as locus of control . This is the ability of a person to attribute his successes or failures to internal or external factors. Usually, if a person is more accustomed to considering himself the cause of the things that happen to him in life, he is considered to have an internal locus of control (internal). If a person believes that in general he has no particular influence on anything in life, and that what happens is determined by fate, karma, God, aliens, various people or any other circumstances, then he is considered to have an external ( external locus of control). ).

Of course, in a normal situation, for most people this indicator will be somewhere between the two extremes, shifted more towards one or the other pole.

People whose locus of control is very strongly shifted to the external usually play the role of a victim of circumstances. Everything is wrong with them, they have no influence on anything, the people around them are to blame for everything. They are not at all responsible for their lives; they move where the flow takes them. Like small children who feel helpless in the face of emerging problems and, instead of solving them, can only be offended or blame others.

For example, a person has no friends, but he blames others for this, gets offended by them and even gets angry because they don’t understand him, don’t want to understand him, don’t appreciate him and don’t love him, instead of understanding the real reason, and what -change yourself, take some action to build the desired relationships with others.

People whose locus of control is very internally shifted often take responsibility even for things that they essentially cannot influence. For example, for other people's emotions or decisions. These people are prone to strong feelings of guilt and self-blame when things go wrong.

A good example would be working with a guy who experienced a number of unpleasant emotions if a girl refused him when they met. He always took any refusal personally, believing that he was doing something wrong, while believing that if he had done everything correctly, he would definitely have received a positive response. He could not understand that there were other circumstances that he could not influence, no matter how much he wanted and no matter how “correct” his actions were. When we started to look into it, it turned out that something similar was happening in other areas - the conviction that everything always depends on him. But this, of course, is not so. There are always a number of other factors that influence, especially when there is interaction with any other living system: an animal, a person, a group of people. I once really liked the wonderful example given by Robert Dilts: if we kick a ball, with some experience and skill, we can calculate the trajectory of the ball and where it will land. If we kick a dog, we never know for sure where the dog will be in a few seconds.

Of course, if we have known a person for some time, we know his habits and characteristics, then in this case it is already possible to more or less calculate how he will react to our action. But that’s not always the case either. Moreover, we cannot control everything all the time in this world. Many things happen one way or another against our will, and nothing can be done about it.

Remember the serenity prayer? “Lord, give me the peace of mind to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference” - this is precisely about a balanced locus of control. It is very important to be able to take responsibility and take action where possible and simply let go of control, accept the inevitability where there is no possibility of changing anything.

It is also worth noting that when talking about a person’s locus of control, a certain general indicator is calculated by averaging the level of control in different situations. That is, the general tendency of a person to take responsibility for events in different areas of his life or shift it to the outside world. But, interestingly, despite the common denominator, in some areas a person can have a completely opposite locus of control. For example, in the spheres of business, health, self-development, a person takes responsibility for the results (internal locus of control), and in the sphere of personal relationships he is convinced that nothing depends on him (external locus of control).

In my experience, this has a lot to do with the beliefs a person develops while growing up. For example, a person may have an external locus of control in the sphere of relationships because at some stage of his life he formed the belief that God or fate would send him a “soul mate”, that everything should happen on its own, so no special actions were taken. is undertaking in this area.

It happens, on the contrary, that a person believes that he is wearing a “crown of celibacy” and also does nothing, but goes to psychics, in the hope of “lifting” the curse, instead of analyzing the reasons for failures and changing something in himself. It turns out that here he shifts responsibility for the result in this area of ​​his life to others.

Now that responsibility has become more clear, let's try to understand the reasons why people avoid responsibility in different areas of their lives.

A few main reasons that come to mind:

1. A person’s conviction that it does not depend on him, that he cannot influence it. When, for one reason or another, a belief has arisen that this cannot be changed. I have already given one example above, but more can be added. For example, the belief “Nothing will ever change in this country.” With such a conviction, a person does not even try to change anything. In this case, it is necessary to work with these beliefs, expand the understanding of a specific area, and help in finding methods to change the situation and achieve results.

2. Avoidance of responsibility due to inability and ignorance of how to do something , and as a result of waiting for someone else to do it for me.

Usually this problem arises among people who are not independent, those who have been over-cared for since childhood and were not allowed to do anything on their own. Such people simply do not know how and are not used to straining to make something happen. They were taught from childhood that if they tried something and didn’t succeed the first time, their mother would come running and arrange everything. Usually, even in adulthood, such people, if something doesn’t work out right away, do not strive to find a solution on their own or make efforts. They look confused and helpless and wait for their mother to come, or for someone adult to replace their mother. And if they don’t get help, they sincerely don’t understand why, and they get offended by the bad people around them who don’t like them because they don’t want to help. Often the problem is aggravated by the fact that since for many years all problems and tasks were solved by others, the person has not developed enough skills and personal experience on which he can rely. The amount of work is very large. When a person wants to do something, it all comes at once, it seems overwhelming, and it is easier for him to return to the usual patterns of behavior. By the way, such people often have an inner feeling that they are still small and do not know what is right, but other adults know better what to do.

Of course, I described an extreme case, but such extremes also occur. For some, this is manifested partially or in certain areas of life. For some, all of them at once.

Therapeutic work with such people will consist of consistent training in independence, development of strategies for finding solutions and achieving results, in developing skills and confidence that he himself knows what to do. All this should ultimately lead to the gradual maturation of the personality or that part of the personality that was stuck in childhood.

3. Avoidance of responsibility due to fear of making mistakes. Typically, this reason for shirking responsibility manifests itself in people who are constantly punished, criticized for mistakes and failures, and who are subject to excessive demands. Sometimes they simply showed how the fact that he didn’t cope with something badly and terribly, how much it upsets his mother. In general, to put it simply, a person associates failures/mistakes with something scary and painful, so he tries to avoid them by any means. Usually such people are perfectionists, because how else can you avoid mistakes? That's right, do everything perfectly, be perfect. But there is nothing ideal in the world and nothing can be. Moreover, a person cannot help but make mistakes, because this is a normal part of any learning. Therefore, as a rule, a person avoids those areas where it cannot be done perfectly and tries not to take responsibility for the results, because any failure will be painful for him. Surprisingly, such people are overly responsible and can feel guilty even when they cannot do anything. But at the same time, perfectionists will try to avoid those situations in which they are not sure that they can cope 100%. They often play the “I didn’t really want to” game with themselves. That is, they simply do not do something in which they can fail, thereby maintaining the illusion of perfection. Typically, such people are not inclined to experiment and rarely go beyond the usual. Any attempts to do something new are accompanied by strong anxiety and resistance until they gain the necessary degree of competence so as not to make mistakes. Often another problem is the desire to get everything right the first time. If it doesn’t work right away, the person gets upset and doesn’t try anymore. It is very painful to experience failure even once.

In many ways, of course, they take responsibility and get results. But in areas where they may fail, where there may be criticism of them, they will avoid taking responsibility at all costs.

Therapeutic work with such people will consist of removing the fear of failure/mistake, working through feelings of guilt, learning to accept one’s imperfections and loving oneself as one is, regardless of one’s achievements or failures.

4. Reluctance to take responsibility due to lack of faith in one's own capabilities. A person stops believing that he can cope with anything when there have been a lot of failures in the past. As a result of multiple unsuccessful experiences, he develops the belief that he cannot do anything or that there is something wrong with him. And with this conviction, he no longer even tries, because he expects failure in advance. Moreover, each new failure “catches” and brings up the pain of past failures, making a person even more convinced that there is something wrong with him and that he is not capable of anything. Then the person simply doesn’t even try to do anything or manage anything, he avoids any responsibility. Why, if anyway the result will be nothing but pain and disappointment?

Therapeutic work with such a person will consist of searching for internal resources, re-evaluating past experiences and finding out the real reasons for failure, developing effective strategies for achieving results, forming positive beliefs instead of negative ones about one’s abilities and reinforcing them with successful experience. He will need to gradually build a “foundation of success”, first achieving results in small things, and then relying on these achievements as a resource, gradually achieving more in his life.

Of course, “pure options” are described here, but in real life they are often mixed, so the work goes in several different directions. And such work is worth doing, it can greatly change your life. Research shows that people with an internal locus of control are happier, more likely to realize themselves in various areas of life, and less anxious. It is not surprising that such people live much better than those who have an external locus of control. The latter, not having enough influence on what happens to them, often become victims of circumstances, experience anxiety due to the inability to influence what is happening and are forced to rely on others, which makes them dependent. Under the pressure of external events, they make the wrong decisions, go in the wrong direction, and, in the end, simply do not live their lives. But working on yourself allows you to turn from a “victim of circumstances” into a “master of life” who plans, acts, makes decisions, achieves results, and builds his own life. After all, it is not something magical, but a set of supportive beliefs and effective thought patterns that can be taught to a person. And these are not empty words. For example, when I took Frank Pucelik’s program to work with drug addicts, he told me how in his centers, essentially finished people, whose personalities were destroyed by drugs and the lifestyle they led, were turned into quite successful members of society. Not all of them, of course, only those who had the strength and desire to complete a long program (from a year and a half). And I saw these guys and talked with them. They are open, they speak clearly, they are self-confident, they work, raise children, they do not in any way resemble former drug addicts. You want to be friends with such people. Looking at them, you understand what potential for positive changes actually lies within a person; you just need to help him open up. It's not easy, but it's quite possible.

Tags >>> responsibility, psychology, what a psychologist does

Avoidance of responsibility

Gradually, as the child grows up, he begins to understand more and more that if you blame someone for your failures, bad grades at school, or inability to make friends, then you can easily avoid responsibility and not try to correct what was done, which means you can do everything whatever you want.

To prevent this from happening, it is important for parents to carefully monitor what they say to each other or how they speak about their friends, relatives, work colleagues, how they react to the child’s actions, whether they always find out the reason for what happened and how often they encourage stories invented by the child. After all, the child does not have his own life experience and completely adopts what he sees and hears around him.

Destructive way of thinking

No matter how much a person earns, there will always be neighbors (friends, acquaintances, classmates or classmates) who have more money. There will always be someone stronger, more well-read, more fun. But you want to live beautifully, don’t you? At every moment in time, every person has a choice of how to see the world around them and themselves in it.

There is a very simple and comfortable way of living. It is enough to shift the responsibility for everything that happens anywhere from your loved one and convince yourself that:

• Everyone who earns a lot got a job through an acquaintance;
• Everyone who has a business has stolen;
• A beautiful girl in an expensive car - sucked;
• Etc. and so on.

It’s very nice to think, “But I’m so cool, I’m just good, and they’re bad.” This type of thinking is very comfortable because... you don’t need to do anything, you don’t need to take risks, because if you don’t do anything, you won’t lose anything. The belief that “Bad employers are profiting off my hump” is very touching. But why doesn’t anyone ask what price the businessman actually paid for his company? Nerves? Family? Friends?