4 comments A short introduction. In my distant youth, while receiving my first education, I did an internship in a kindergarten. The nuances were erased from memory, but one moment was clearly imprinted. The mother brings her son and kindly advises: “Don’t babysit him, this one (here a savory swearing epithet addressed to a five-year-old) doesn’t understand well. If anything happens, yell or smack harder!” And she reinforced what she said with a poke. I, a seventeen-year-old girl, fell into a stupor; I thought the baby would shrink and get scared. No, I took it as the norm. Because for him this was the norm - the closest person brings up swear words. By the way, the boy understood perfectly well without strong words, slaps or threats.
Later, while studying developmental psychology, I analyzed that case. The boy mentioned and kids like him are psychologically flexible. And the fact that mothers constantly scream does not turn them into downtrodden creatures. Of course, this style of upbringing affects the worldview, socialization, and the ability to quickly adapt, but a naturally strong psyche serves as a powerful airbag.
However, not all daughters and sons are so “streamlined”, and the consequences of parental incontinence can, unfortunately, be disastrous.
Why you shouldn’t humiliate and call a child names
If some are “violet” and do not particularly react to parental attacks, then the psyche of others is irreversibly deformed. This is where “wolf cubs” appear, driven into a corner, “rags” who allow themselves to be pushed around, neurasthenics who subsequently poison the lives of both themselves and those around them.
Violence is not always the same as physical violence; moral humiliation puts no less pressure on the child. It would seem that the mother is calling him names, but then she will say something nice, nothing terrible. Only this is an illusion. An heir who regularly listens to unflattering “compliments” is unlikely to grow into a happy, self-sufficient person.
This is what tough parental “love” can entail:
- depressingly low self-esteem;
- inability to make decisions;
- inadequate response to criticism;
- lack of own opinion;
- retaliatory chilling cruelty;
- pathological fear of the future;
- unreasonable regular lies;
- merging with the role of a mute victim;
- obvious mental disorders;
- desire to say goodbye to life.
The shocking statistics of absurd children's suicides speak for themselves. And most often the leading motive is not the lawlessness of under-teachers, but the “efforts” of parents. Okay, let’s ignore such a gloomy outcome; there are plenty of other factors listed. It is unlikely that truly loving parents dream of their heir’s nightmares, enuresis, public hysterics, complaints of poor health, wild antics supposedly for no reason, etc. You should not always blame external negative influences; sometimes it is enough to do psychological cleaning in your own family.
Why does mom scream and call her names?
Perhaps it's time to talk about the motives that encourage an unreasonable mother to take it out on her own offspring. She carried it under her heart, cooing affectionately even before the fry was born, suffered through the pain of childbirth, pampered her and glowed with happiness... So where does the progressive anger directed at the offspring come from, why does the mother begin to flutter over trifles, without mincing words?
Personal example
The mother verbally humiliates the child because the parent once yelled at her too. That is, he yells, unconsciously taking his own childhood as a model. Often during consultations, such would-be educators are sincerely perplexed - they, they say, grew up as normal people, and with their beloved children, a menacing shout will not harm them.
Lack of control over emotions
What should we do, we all get irritated. Only some can cope with attacks of rage, while others find it easier to vent on an unrequited loved one - a child. A husband, boss or other adult is fraught with a response, but then she went on a rampage, slapped her across the face, and lo and behold, she felt better.
Hormonal imbalance
During certain periods (pregnancy, menstruation, menopause, taking medications, stress, climate change, etc.) a woman’s hormonal levels are naturally disrupted. As a result, irrepressible irritability clouds the mind, and the dear blood turns out to be guilty without guilt.
In revenge for the whole world
Alas, sometimes even a desired baby is not always loved later. The embittered mother blames him for all the sorrows, unrealized plans, blurred prospects. He hits because the heir is a real copy of the former, because he does not live up to expectations, because he is simply incapable of love.
Having fun
A pathological case when a mother constantly screams and calls names, because the process itself gives the parent pleasure. There are individuals who recharge from humiliating others, but here the boy (or girl) for whipping is right at hand. There is no need for reasons for torture; such a young lady will find them out of the blue.
Accented character
If the inability to control oneself can be corrected, then some accentuations (exacerbated character traits) cannot be influenced. People are born with this, but hysterical changes are definitely not any excuse for a mother who turns her little life into hell every day.
Parenting style
Not to be confused with matrons, who unconsciously imitate the behavior of their mothers. Here there is a stern dictatorial style that does not tolerate pink slobbering, and is conscious. The parent constantly scolds and berates the child, wanting to raise a strong, unbending, strong-willed personality. And he breaks it.
Masking powerlessness
Doesn't put away toys, doesn't help around the house, skips school, chooses the wrong friends, interferes with rest - there are many reasons for sudden outbursts. So parental impotence is masked by screaming. Alas, sincere concern is often expressed in exactly this way. And the reluctance to explain or do something together too.
Why does a girl whose mother turns into a fury in an instant need to know these reasons? Or a boy, fearfully awaiting the arrival of his parent and trying to guess her current mood by her steps? It is important for them to understand what to do, who to contact, how to reshape the scenario in their favor, and here is a psychologist with the root causes... Everything is correct, since understanding the essence of what is happening can become a turning point. Of course, we are not talking about preschoolers, but about more independent children and teenagers. More on cruelty to children below.
Consequences for the child's psyche
- When a mother yells at her baby, this contributes to the development of mistrust, both in parents and in any surrounding individuals.
- The child understands that if his mother offends him, it means that other people will also behave this way towards him.
- A full awareness is formed that no one can be trusted.
- The baby becomes withdrawn, rarely smiles, is in constant anxiety, may cry for no reason, becomes nervous, sleeps poorly, lives in constant fear, and does not expect anything good.
- There may be a complete change in behavior. So a child who is often shouted at can turn from an obedient child into a bully.
- A child who wants to please his mother, so as not to cause her attacks of anger, begins to lie and cheat.
- If raised by shouting, the toddler will begin to obey everyone who raises their voice at him.
- A child who grows up with constant screaming will carry this pattern of behavior into his adult life, which will make it difficult for him to communicate with people and complicate the process of creating his own family. Most likely, such a person will start yelling at his children.
- An adult child will be afraid of failure. There will be a lack of self-confidence and fear of taking responsibility for one’s actions.
Mom screams over trifles - what to do?
It doesn’t matter whether it’s for trifles or not, you just can’t humiliate or beat anyone! So, specific recommendations.
- Firstly, it is advisable to understand why the mother screams or raises her hand in order to understand the nature of parental hysterics. Is the mother worried, afraid, tired? After all, rage is not an independent reaction, but a natural continuation of the primary emotion. For example, I was scared for the little one reaching for the socket and spanked him. She was offended by her teenage son for leaving dirty dishes and yelled. The daughter was jealous of her ex, with whom the girl was chatting sweetly on the phone - a thrashing was on the way.
- Or maybe the mother simply doesn’t know how the child is feeling at this time? The second thing that follows from this is that it needs to be conveyed. In simple words: “Mommy, when you scream, I get very scared. I’m starting to think that you don’t love me, that I’m bad, that no one needs me.” If the parent is adequate, then a soft, ingenuous monologue will make her think.
- Thirdly, you need to analyze your own behavior. Yes, the mother’s aggression is not justified by the laziness of the offspring, his insolence and endless “wants”, but deliberate provocations do not generate constructivism.
- Fourthly, it is necessary to find an adult (teacher, relative, coach, neighbor) who can understand children's grievances. It is an adult who inspires trust, and not a peer. A peer will not have enough life experience to resolve the situation, and the advice of some minor “psychologists” (“get out of the house”, “forget it”, “here, try this - you will forget your sorrows”) will only worsen the situation.
Unfortunately, the parent does not always want to change the scenario of the relationship with the child. It’s not easy - to work on yourself, control emotions, delve into youthful grievances. In such cases, the law provides for radical measures involving the intervention of competent authorities. Even a very small victim can turn to a social teacher, a juvenile affairs inspector, a guardian, a district police officer, or an ombudsman (regional defender of children's rights).
Attention, this is a really radical measure! The application is guaranteed to be subject to comprehensive checks and serious monitoring, which may result in the removal of the minor from the family. Therefore, it is worth putting aside emotions and weighing whether the threat is real, whether it will be better in a government institution, whether situational resentment for harsh but fair parental punishment is driving?
Methods to prevent mom's screaming
These methods are independent of the child. It is important that the mother either realizes the consequences of her actions and pulls herself together, or it is necessary to convey this information to relatives or mother’s friends so that they can influence her behavior and teach her how to restrain her emotions.
- Mom should imagine that it’s not hers, but someone else’s baby, she won’t raise her voice at the neighbor’s toddler.
- When emotions come flooding in, a woman should imagine that she is in the middle of the street, being looked at from all sides and judged.
- Let mom think that a hidden camera is hiding her. She doesn’t want to become famous throughout the country as a loud, angry woman.
- A woman who senses angry emotions approaching should make drastic changes in her behavior, such as starting a joke game.
Mom must understand that children behave in different ways at different ages. There is no need to be angry with a child who cannot sit still and constantly runs and jumps. You shouldn’t get angry at a toddler who forgot about the potty.
“I want to deprive her of parental rights!” (case from practice)
I talked with a girl who was two years away from coming of age. She vehemently complained about her mother raising her without a father: “What should I do if my mother constantly yells at me over trifles? She’s always dissatisfied with something, doesn’t leave me alone for a second, ignores my wishes.” Gradually, from the conversation it became clear that the mother’s demands were not so unreasonable, and the girl’s desires consisted of a fun and unencumbered pastime of time, in extortion of expensive rags, gadgets and money. It seems like nothing special, if not for the last phrase: “Do you think I can deprive her of parental rights?”
A psychologist should not shame, read sermons, or impose ways out. A person, even if he is guilty hundreds of times, is already in a bad way – he is confused, that’s why he turned. The specialist’s task is to identify prospects, emphasize possible pros and cons, and propose (together!) possible solutions. I had to puzzle the young lady with questions: “Are you ready to live in a boarding school? Do you know that control over your studies will be even better? Are you sure that you will never, ever need your mother’s support again?” Oops... It turns out that such obvious nuances were not even taken into account. With her immature mind, she believed that she would soon get rid of edifying control, plus the state would release significant capital to her. The girl abandoned her idea.
The final advice was simple: “Very soon, in just a couple of years, you will be able to decide for yourself where and how to live, work or study further, with whom to communicate, what to spend money on, who to rely on. This is only part of your life’s journey, a very short segment that you need to wait out. And now, for more or less comfortable coexistence until you are eighteen, you need to find a compromise with your mother.” I know in general terms about the future fate of my client: she entered college, gave birth after the third year, and completed her studies by correspondence. Who helped with the baby? The same mother whom the little girl in the skirt wanted to officially refuse. It’s good that reason prevailed then, but she could have caused some trouble...
Humiliating parents
Such parents constantly insult and criticize the child, often groundlessly, or make fun of him. This can be sarcasm, ridicule, offensive nicknames, humiliation, which is presented as care: “I want to help you improve,” “We need to prepare you for a cruel life.” Parents can make the child an “accomplice” in the process: “He understands that this is just a joke.”
Sometimes humiliation is associated with a sense of competition. Parents feel that their child is giving them unpleasant emotions and apply pressure: “You can’t do better than me.”
How does the impact manifest itself?
- This attitude kills self-esteem and leaves deep emotional scars. Example: “For a long time I couldn’t believe that I was capable of anything more than taking out the trash, as my father said. And I hated myself for it.”
- Children of competing parents pay for their peace of mind by sabotaging their successes. They prefer to underestimate their real abilities. Example: “I wanted to participate in a street dancing competition, I prepared well for it, but I never decided to try. Mom always said that I wouldn’t be able to dance like her.”
- The driving force behind harsh verbal attacks can be the unrealistic expectations that adults have for the child. And it is he who suffers when illusions collapse. Example: “Dad was sure that I would become a great hockey player. When I was once again expelled from the section (I didn’t like and didn’t know how to skate), he spent a long time calling me worthless and incapable of anything.”
- Because of the failures of children of toxic parents, the apocalypse usually occurs. Example: “I constantly heard: “It would be better if you were not born.” And this is due to the fact that I did not take first place at the mathematics Olympiad.”
Children raised in such families often have suicidal tendencies.
What to do
Find a way to block insults and put-downs so they don't hurt you. Don't let us take the initiative in the conversation. If you answer in monosyllables and do not succumb to manipulation, insults and humiliation, toxic parents will not achieve their goal. Remember: you don't have to prove anything to them.
End communication when you want it. And preferably before you begin to feel unpleasant emotions.
Mom and adult child - conflict under one roof
There are often cases of problematic relationships where adult children and their mothers play the main roles. It doesn’t matter the age of the child, he himself can be a parent, but the mother continues to swear, harass, and manipulate. There are only two options here.
- The first is finding a compromise, patience, calm arguments.
- The second is to follow your own path in life, separate from your tyrannical parent, and acquire your own, albeit rented, housing.
Yes, not everyone has the opportunity to do this, since there is a certain dependence on their ancestors: financial, looking after grandchildren, health problems, reluctance to grow up, etc. Well, we will have to return to the first option - compromises, patience, arguments.
