Ignoring other people's opinions is actually simple. You need to turn 180, spit on words and mentally send the person away. This in itself is not difficult to do; it is difficult to justify such behavior to yourself. We need confirmation of this attitude towards others.
If we had reinforced concrete arguments confirming the worthlessness of someone else’s opinion, we would stop overthinking and worrying. We would understand that the influence of other people's opinions on our lives is insignificant and overblown.
And in this article we will try to find these arguments for ourselves in order to boldly behave in society and proudly turn someone’s words on deaf ears. The short tips below and the quality called charisma will help us with this.
A case from one's life
Let me start, perhaps, with a real-life example. I never bothered if I was interrupted during a conversation. It was annoying, of course, but nothing can be done, I was guilty of it myself. And then one day I got really into it. My future boyfriend turned out to be a smart, straightforward and stern programmer. Komsomol member, athlete and simply handsome. While butterflies fluttered in my stomach and my brain dissolved in a pink fog, I listened to the guy in awe and just nodded. A week, a month, six months passed. The fog cleared, the butterflies in my stomach began to die little by little, and the desire to feed my small, but still ego, was revived. My remarks began to develop into monologues, and then I discovered that I was being interrupted. And with some kind of enchanting impudence. I caught myself starting to talk again five times, because the guy regularly remembered something else, and always immediately told me about it. Not out of malice, that's just the way he is. I very rarely get rabid. But then I felt that I really wanted to put a gag in his mouth, tie him up and shove him into the closet. And so that he would remain silent there for a couple of hours. And then I finally thought about it. It's not about how to rehabilitate a guy. I thought about how important it really is for us to know that we are being listened to and heard . They are not just looking for a reason to spread sound waves.
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How to stop depending on other people's opinions
It is necessary to distinguish between tolerance for the opinions of others and dependence on them. Tolerance is the ability to recognize him and be critical of him without emotional involvement.
Experts and others ask how not to depend on other people’s opinions, placing themselves in a paradoxical situation. Completely ignoring another view is not a sign of an autonomous, confident, independent person. Ignoring is not an end in itself. A person is social and he needs to adequately relate to another position, taking into account that it is often expressed by people who love and are loved by him.
How to stop listening to other people's opinions? A different view should be analyzed, weighing its relevance and value. Sometimes a person is paralyzed by the inability to take an independent step without hearing someone else’s opinion, passively waiting for a hint. A negative assessment, expressed verbally or non-verbally, and sometimes only assumed, can provoke a person to stop realizing their aspirations.
Concern about the opinions of others has its origins in uncertainty; focusing on others, a person reinforces an individual image of being dependent and insecure, which increases uncertainty, ending up in a vicious circle. Anxiety about the opinions of others, which may contradict not only personal assessments, but are also mutually contradictory, as well as the real situation, leads to wandering, inconsistency, decreased judgment, and erroneous behavior in stressful situations.
The more space is given to the opinions of others, the less a person participates in the implementation of his life; such a strategy leads to thoughts about his own pricelessness, which, combined with aggressiveness towards a sense of control, can form auto-aggression, depressive states, even suicidal tendencies.
There are opposite extremes - complete ignorance of another view and complete orientation towards it. Any expression of disagreement or doubt is perceived negatively and brushed aside without thought. At the same time, a person often engages in self-deception, because support and positive assessment of an action is also an example of a different assessment. Unsystematic denial of someone else's opinion leads to the inability to receive a response to actions, an image in the eyes of society.
By aggressively rejecting someone else's opinion and entering into a discourse, a person also often declares his opinion (for another it is alien), negatively assessing the interlocutor, his experience and the value of his point of view.
The significance of an opinion depends on the bearer of the point of view and his relationship to the reference group. For each area, such a group can be separate.
Focusing on other people's opinions can be life-threatening. When studying victimization risks, it was determined that people often place themselves in potentially dangerous situations, as a result of the fear of appearing rude, suspicious, or offending others with mistrust. Trust is based on positive behavior, not the absence of negative behavior or simply the fact of the matter. Politeness does not mean building trust, it is just social etiquette, a neutral form of communication.
Uncertainty leads to a certain amount of optical distortion. The illusion is created that independence will lead to condemnation and ridicule, while obedience and passivity will be approved and respect in the eyes of others will increase. The result is the opposite - those who are responsible and independent are respected, while those who succumb to the opinions of others remain under constant pressure. People who formally admit their dependence on other people’s opinions have a self-deception that this is a temporary, necessary measure, the purpose of which is to gain the necessary authority and significance. And then, once they get on their feet, they will automatically earn independence. The difference from temporary obedience to the rules is in the emotional independence from the assessment, there is no anxiety about receiving a negative opinion, there may be regret from not getting a practical result, the assessment itself will be completely ignored.
Dependence on other people's opinions is sometimes successfully disguised as positive and socially approved feelings, such as respect for elders, complicity, empathy. But respect implies taking into account, and not blind obedience, complicity is important if decisions objectively relate directly to the life and fate of another, then we are talking about compromise, and empathy presupposes the ability to act within the framework of one’s responsibility, since going beyond it may mean violating someone else’s boundaries. Those. It is the violation of all these points that leads to dependence on the opinions of others; adequate understanding will help to separate oneself from it.
Who are all these people?
If you still belong to the dark side of the force and think that interrupting is cool and wonderful, I will remind you what happens to you and your interlocutor during a conversation. Here they tell you something. A story that is important to your interlocutor. Maybe something that he can tell few people about. Maybe for you. Suddenly, one phrase from him awakens a memory in you. So bright and unforgettable that it’s simply a shame not to tell. Or an elegant remark, so witty that you definitely need to shine. You are no longer listening. You think about your history and become nostalgic. You perfect a witty line in your mind, trying not to forget. Wait for the other person to finish. You wait impatiently and get annoyed when he continues talking. When this bastard finally deigns to shut up, you don’t even express any emotions about the story, but immediately begin to respond with the words: “By the way, I remembered such a funny incident...”. And guess what? You can feel it. And it's just unpleasant at best. And at worst, it’s very painful and offensive. Are you sure you want to hurt people?
It shouldn't worry you
What others think about you is their business. This should not concern you in any way. Even if you find out someone else's opinion about yourself, it still will not make you a different person and will not change your life, in most cases. The opinions of others can influence you only when you allow this opinion to become decisive in your life. But this shouldn’t happen. You can't control the opinions of others, so don't pay so much attention to them and focus on yourself.
Listening is not science fiction
Let's start with the simple fact that there are still heroes on Russian soil, there are still people who know how to listen. There are few of them, and therefore this precious skill is valued like the endangered Amur tiger. I have at most a dozen such friends and acquaintances, all practically 30+ years old. Talking to them takes my soul away. They are all distinguished by several features:
- When talking to others, they are in no hurry. They listen to you carefully and thoughtfully, and do not act as if the world will end in 5 minutes.
- They react to the course of your story and sincerely empathize.
- They will never insert their own remarks in the middle of your speech.
- They express their opinion about your story and help with advice.
- If there is still a heated discussion going on, and they want to voice an argument in a timely manner, they will either raise their hand or politely ask if they can interrupt you.
So, it’s still possible
control yourself and not upset others?
Standardize information
Information is power. Hiding information can be an important step in giving you an advantage over the other person. However, too much information can also interfere with questioning: it can become an obstacle for the interlocutor to think effectively. Therefore, during questioning, it is useful to normalize the information you give.
- Don't interrupt. Allow the other person to finish their thought before giving new information. Don't push your information while he's talking.
- Determine the optimal time for intervention. Consider the best time to offer information.
- Filter information. Offer only information that will improve the other person's thinking. Refrain from clarifying or adding information that does not play an important role in the discussion of the issue.
- Don't share information to show off. You may want to share information to demonstrate your competence and knowledge. Don't give in to temptation.
You can also normalize the amount of information you want to learn from your interlocutor. Ask for information to be shared at an appropriate time and for a good reason; It is better to let the other person develop his thoughts and then ask him to summarize, rather than constantly interrupting him with questions.
I forget what I wanted to say
Collective delirium transmitted by airborne droplets. Is everyone in the last stage of Alzheimer's? I personally can still record in my memory everything I want to say on this matter so that I can do it when the interlocutor finishes. And you don’t need any particularly outstanding intellectual abilities for this.
How do I do it
If you need some time to remember information, take a break. It’s enough for me to mentally isolate myself from the conversation for a couple of seconds in order to stick an imaginary note on the cerebral cortex “Tell me about that story in Lvov.” And no problem telling it later.
By the way, about birds
Didn’t it even occur to you that while you were quickly inserting your remark, in fact, your interlocutor
will forget what he said. Or he will simply lose the mood and feel the urge to say something. As they say: “A spoon is dear to dinner.”
Treat your interlocutor as an equal
You can only ask effective questions if you treat the other person as an equal. If you place yourself higher in status, you will discourage him from any desire to think. If you put him above yourself, your own cramped position will not allow you to listen carefully.
A patronizing tone is the worst enemy of equality in oral communication. This communication defect is due to the way we were treated as children. Of course, children need to be treated like children. We have to:
- Make decisions for them.
- Guide them.
- Tell them what to do.
- To assume that adults know better what and how.
- Worry about them.
- To care about them.
- Control them.
- Think for them.
Sometimes we carry this patronizing behavior into conversation with other adults. If you decide that you know something better than your interlocutor, or offer answers instead of him, or consider that his thoughts are inadequate, you are being patronizing.
It is impossible to patronize a person and listen carefully to him at the same time. Treat the person as an equal and there will be no room for patronizing behavior.
I'm interested in communicating with you, this is how I keep the conversation going
Finally, understand that no one needs empty words “keeping the conversation going.” Now I’m not talking about pasting up awkward pauses, but about your communication with people who are really dear to you - beloved boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, wives, children, mothers, fathers, dear friends, good acquaintances and long-time colleagues. Yes, you can warm up to a stranger in just 5 minutes of conversation. They don't need head nods, they need you. Your attention, participation, sympathy, just an opinion, in the end. You can “keep a conversation going” while in line for coffee. And with people in whom your whole life is, you need to be a little more careful.
How do I do it
When I began to pay attention to my manner of speaking, the first thing I did was develop a technique that was convenient and understandable to me. And she called it “Meditation over your interlocutor.” It lies in the fact that the second they tell me something, I concentrate on my interlocutor. Nothing else in this world exists for me except a person who shares something with me. I delve into his problem, his story, and experience it with him. I try to feel everything that he feels. Everything that comes to my mind along the way, I put it on the shelf and take notes. To be honest, this is a bit difficult. I am a person like everyone else, I want to share. But I try to realize that this can be done later. When the interlocutor finishes. When we have completely exhausted the problem, I begin my story. The impossible is possible 
Dependence on other people's opinions
Individual differences in an individual are laid down at an early stage of development. Each individual begins to depend on the other, being in passivity, when the other does everything for him, while still in the womb. Next, the individual goes through the experience of independence, starting with physical independence - the first independent breath. Next, he strives to expand his independence, learns to hold cutlery, speak, and walk. Despite this, the child is still objectively dependent on his parents and guardians. His survival, including biological survival, depends on the care of significant adults. Love and acceptance from caregivers is a kind of guarantee that they will continue to care and help you explore the world. During this period, basic trust in the world, which is significant for further self-determination of the individual, develops.
If trust is formed, a person will declare individual needs, look for independent ways to satisfy them, being confident that the world will accept his behavior, value will not be violated, and personal resources will be directed to development. Authorities will be formed with whom it is possible to exchange opinions, respectful communication, and, if necessary, of an advisory nature. But another scenario may be involved, the child is faced with the absence of parents, complete or partial, their high anxiety, when a ban on independence will be imposed due to the inability to cope with their own fear.
Parents can also resort to a certain blackmail “if you don’t do this, I won’t love you, I’ll give you away.” In such a situation, a person may come to the conclusion that if he does not meet the requirements of a significant loved one, he will reject him and leave him alone in an unfamiliar, and therefore cruel, world, ready to devour the person. This actualizes the fear of one's own destruction. And if you obey the requirements, you can avoid punishment, and, perhaps, receive love, the need for which the child constantly feels.
As we grow older, caregivers, teachers, peers, managers, and marriage partners become carriers of authoritative assessment. Normally, this develops socialization and gives greater independence, as a person learns social norms and interaction with different people in different areas. If a person has not gained the experience of autonomy during his formative years and has not learned to be independent as an adult, then the pattern of submission in order to receive love will continue to be used. And the person will increasingly move away from individual aspirations and focus on the desires of others and feel the fear of not pleasing them.
The ability to adopt values, traditions, concepts of good and bad is a respectful attitude towards other people’s opinions. The psychoanalytic concept calls this the Super-I (Super-Ego) - this is the “super-evaluation” of a person, his conscience, the concepts of right/wrong, should/shouldn’t, good/bad. These concepts are quite abstract and subjective, therefore there is no unanimously accepted definition for them.
To some extent, a person is guided by legal regulations, those concepts that are accepted in his society, and may differ in others, which is reflected in the differences in rights and freedoms in different countries and cultures. This is a form of objective attitude towards the opinions of others; a person is born into a society limited by the rules and obligations accepted by others and he is told what his legal rights and obligations are. The absence of such an orientation towards a different view would lead to a halt in the development of society, because constant confrontation to establish one’s vision of basic, fundamental concepts takes up the resource that is necessary for the implementation of development. In contrast, focusing exclusively on the values and traditions of the past, not accepting the new, blocks development and movement forward, forcing one to feel fear of the new and unknown, a similar struggle, but with progress in favor of regression.
In the inner world of each individual, interactions occur that resemble external events. At first, a person survives and lives, focusing on the experience of the surrounding elders or those with greater authority, then a period comes when his personal experience, the realities of the surrounding world, the obsolescence of the concepts that were taught, come into conflict with traditions, views and teachings. At the age of 2–3 years, the child begins to consciously perceive his personality and says “I myself” and clearly manifests himself in adolescence. Next, a person, normally, learns to balance respect for other people’s opinions and the ability to independently assess reality, making independent decisions. But sometimes a person does not develop independence and develops as a personality dependent on other people’s opinions.
The optimal balance between praise and criticism
There are two types of feedback: positive and negative. The difference is obvious: positive feedback tells a person what we like, while negative feedback shows us what we don't like.
As you can imagine, the consequences of these two types of feedback are completely different. Positive feedback encourages the person to continue thinking; the negative one most often discourages any desire to think. However, positive feedback also encourages the interlocutor to value his or her own point of view; negative indicates that his position is completely worthless.
We often think that negative feedback is more realistic than positive feedback. “Get down to earth,” we say to justify a negative assessment. And positive feedback is when we say what we like about an idea, even though it seems naive and banal. Years of practice and experience in critical thinking may have taught you not to comment at all on what you approve of and what you like.
In fact, the positive aspects of reality can be no less realistic than the negative ones. Adding positive feedback to negative feedback will not distort your perception of reality; on the contrary, it will make it more accurate.
The source of positive feedback is not difficult to find, just think: “What's good about this idea?” You can even ask your interlocutor the same question. The answer will almost always point to something you didn't notice. And this will become the basis for positive feedback.
Another way to turn negative feedback into positive feedback is to use a phrase that begins with the word “how.” For example, if you want to say: “We don’t have the resources to do this,” rephrase your words as follows: “How can we do this with the resources we have?” If you want to say, “You haven't thought through this question,” you can ask, “How can I work on this idea more thoroughly?”
These two simple questions have a magical effect on the quality of your feedback.
Exercise. For one day, write down all your comments and opinions regarding other people's ideas. How many of your comments were negative - in other words, how many times did you express what you didn't like or what you saw as flaws? How many comments were positive - where you expressed what you liked about the idea or what its benefits were? How to rephrase negative comments into positive ones? Could you, for example, turn criticism into a question with the word “how”?
What should I do?
What do you do when you are constantly interrupted? Are you just responding rudely to your interlocutor? But if you are talking to someone who is higher in position than you, you cannot do this. What exactly should you say to your interlocutor in order to maintain a healthy business relationship?
Most people are not content to remain silent when they have something to say. Why should you remain silent when discussing things that are important to you? Why do you allow another person to interrupt you? Interrupting is a very bad habit that definitely needs to be corrected. However, depending on the reasons and extent of the relationship, it should be treated differently. Some people interrupt because they are spiritually straightforward, others because they are creative, some because they want to assert themselves at your expense.
Let's look at a few simple ways you can stop people from interrupting you during a conversation.
