Perfectionism or the constant striving for perfection can be called the common desire of a person to become the best. This desire is cultivated, not natural. Accordingly, experts from the online magazine psytheater.com find the origins of this desire in a person’s childhood.
The desire to be the best can be compared to:
- The desire to be a king or queen.
- The desire to be above the rest.
- The goal is to become a role model.
- The desire to be a leader and lead.
- The desire to be the person everyone envy.
Where do such desires come from? Since childhood. How they are formed will be discussed later. In the meantime, it is worth noting that the desire to be the best to some extent plays a positive role, since it pushes a person to self-improvement. And the one who develops truly becomes the best.
I want to be good to everyone!
What does it mean? This means that you have a strong conviction in your soul. For example: “ Love to be good for everyone .” Beliefs are our (usually unconscious) attitudes. Which guide how we will live our lives.
All beliefs are divided into two groups:
Useful for us, helping us survive. And, unhelpful, harmful . Which hinder our effective survival.
What is typical is that the same belief can be useful in some situations, but in others it can be harmful. That's why it's so important to track your beliefs. Because understanding them gives us the opportunity to control where we can apply them and where it is better to abandon them. So as not to cause harm.
But let’s return to the “I want to be good for everyone” attitude. Where did she come from?
First reason
Of course, from childhood, from upbringing. For such a child, parents, grandparents, and educators often reinforced obedience, politeness, and friendliness. They said: “ be a good girl for everyone ”!
At the same time, there was a ban on expressing one’s negative feelings. Such as anger, resentment, anger. It was behavior that was encouraged when the child was comfortable and good. However, this approach to education leads to the fact that the grown child cannot adequately defend his boundaries. Doesn't know how to say no.
The second reason for this attitude is deeper
The attitude of “pleasing everyone” arises in response to some traumatic childhood situation. In which the child felt unwanted, unloved, rejected. And he was in unbearable pain.
However, the psyche knows how to protect children from unbearable pain. Inventing various loopholes. Which allow the child to feel valuable after all. Even though the traumatic situation broke this feeling.
The desire to please everyone, and especially significant people, is one of the options for mental compensation to gain a sense of self-worth, even if you are rejected, humiliated or abandoned.
And then you inevitably wonder:
CAUSES AND CONSEQUENCES OF “GOOD” BEHAVIOR
You will sacrifice your interests for the sake of others
Politeness and the desire to avoid conflicts can lead to the fact that at some point we begin to sacrifice our interests for the sake of others. This occurs due to the fear of being rejected (by friends at school, colleagues). It's important for us to feel like we're okay and loved because that's what makes us feel safe.
The desire to please everyone around us forces us to maintain our brand always and everywhere, to be good in a taxi, in a store, in the subway. We automatically want to do something to please the driver, and so we tip more than we should. And we do it completely unexpectedly for ourselves. Or we start entertaining the hairdresser with conversations, instead of just relaxing in the chair. Or we don’t reprimand the manicurist who applied the polish unevenly - this is our favorite salon, why spoil a good impression of yourself?
We harm ourselves by doing things we don't like or by remaining silent when our interests are violated.
As a result, our focus shifts from internal to external: instead of directing resources to working on ourselves, we spend all our efforts on external signs. It is more important to us what they think and say about us, and we do everything in order to be appreciated and approved.
We are no longer even interested in our own well-being: we harm ourselves by doing something we don’t like, or remain silent when our interests are violated. We deny ourselves for the sake of others.
Sometimes this is precisely the reason for a sharp change in mood, when a person in the family who is conflict-free and polite in public becomes a real monster. It’s quite easy to be nice to strangers, but at home we take off our masks and lash out at our loved ones - we scream, swear, and punish our children. After all, the family already loves us and “will not go anywhere,” we can not stand on ceremony, relax and finally become ourselves.
Everyone needs to wean themselves from such behavior - a big boss or a small clerk, a child or a parent. Because it is a matter of balancing our lives, what we ourselves give and receive. And if we don’t respond in kind to our loved ones who give us so much, our life can take a turn: the family will fall apart, friends will turn away.
You will become dependent on other people's approval
This model of behavior forms a painful dependence on the approval of others. From morning to night we need to hear compliments, recognition of talent or beauty. This is the only way we feel confident, inspired, and able to do something. It works like an energy dope. We begin to need it to cover the inner emptiness.
The external becomes important, and internal values, feelings and sensations fade into the background
This pattern leads to a categorical perception of everything that happens to us. A striking example is a person who reacts painfully to any comment, even to constructive criticism. In his model, any feedback is perceived in only two ways: “I’m good” or “I’m bad.” As a result, we cease to distinguish between where is black and where is white, where is truth and where is flattery. It is becoming increasingly difficult for people to communicate with us - because in everyone who does not admire us, we see an “enemy”, and if someone criticizes us, there is only one reason - he is simply jealous.
You'll be wasting your energy
Your friends had a fight and you want to remain on good terms with both of them? It doesn't happen that way. In the words of the poet, “you cannot be with both of them without betraying both.” If you strive to be good in both places, or always remain neutral, sooner or later this will lead to a feeling of emptiness. And most likely both friends will feel betrayed, and you will lose both.
There is another problem: you try so hard to be useful to others, do so much for them, that at a certain point you begin to demand the same attitude towards yourself. Internal anxiety and resentment appear, and you begin to blame everyone. This addiction works the same way as any other addiction: it leads to destruction. A man loses himself.
The feeling of wasted effort, time, and energy does not leave you. After all, you have spent so much effort, but there are no dividends. And you are bankrupt, energetically and personally. You feel lonely, irritated, and it seems to you that no one understands you. And at some point they really stop understanding you.
You don't have to do anything special to earn the love of your parents, teachers, or classmates.
Of course, everyone wants to be surrounded by “good people.” But a truly good person is not one who always follows the lead of others and agrees with other people’s opinions in everything. This is someone who knows how to be honest and frank, who is able to be themselves, who is ready to give, but at the same time defend their interests, beliefs and values, while maintaining their dignity.
Such a person is not afraid to show his dark sides and easily accepts the shortcomings of others. He knows how to adequately perceive people, life, and does not demand anything in return for his attention or help. This self-confidence gives him a feeling of success in work and in personal relationships.
How to be good to everyone?
Surely, you have tried many times to use different options for goodness. They read something and tried to use it. Attended trainings. We grew above ourselves. You are trying to be for everyone:
- Sociable
- Attentive
- Dear
- funny
- Generous
- Helping
- Friendly
- Good
- Host
- Smart
- Pleasant to look at
- Non-conflict
Moreover, the task is always complicated by the fact that it is necessary to please completely different people. They have different ideas about what is good and what is bad.
One person may think that it is good when you are keenly interested in his affairs and mood. And another in the same situation may think that it’s good when you don’t pry into his soul with your curiosity.
One may think that you are good when you cut the salad neatly and beautifully. For others, it doesn’t matter, the main thing is fast, not beautiful.
See where we've come? —
You won't be good to everyone!
Can you be good to everyone? No matter how it is! And it’s not at all about your personality characteristics or external data. The point is precisely that the people for whom we are trying to be good have different personal characteristics of their own.
Working as a psychologist, I understand how diverse and amazing the world of people is. How diverse is their internal psychological content? Everyone's individual experience matters:
- What kind of family did he have, mom, dad?
- What kind of friends did he have in childhood and now?
- What did he like to do as a child and what is interesting to him now?
- What are his own beliefs and attitudes?
- What is good for him, what is bad for him?
And we can certainly be good. But only for some people. The one with whom we connect will coincide. Let's approach like a key to a lock.
What part of people is this?
During consultations, I usually give the example of the Normal Distribution Curve. This is a mathematical model that shows how features and frequencies are distributed in our world.
According to it, about 14% of people will like us. 2% may even like us a lot. Even without doing anything about it. And, just as accurately, 14% of people will not like us. 2% - we won’t like you very much. At least we will work until we lose our pulse. The remaining approximately 68% will remain indifferent to us. That we exist, that we do not exist, is indifferent to them. Whether we try or not to please them, they won’t even notice.
Did you get the idea?
How to stop being vulnerable and overly sensitive
The world around us is far from ideal. Many things happen contrary to our desires, and often we are unable to influence the circumstances and actions of people. But we definitely have the power to change ourselves. From time to time we encounter situations when we react too emotionally to what is happening and take someone’s statements to heart, especially if they are addressed to us. Then we can worry, get upset all day, and even spend the night without sleep. Of course, I would like to encounter this as little as possible. But how can you change your increased sensitivity? - Everything is possible! You just have to reconsider your attitude towards some things and try to look at what is happening objectively. Let's find out how.
ACTION GUIDE:
I. You need to understand that no matter how caring, sensitive, responsive the people around you are, their own interests are above all else. And this is normal, and there is no need to entertain yourself with illusions about others. Don't feel like you are being treated unfairly. If a person spoke differently than you expected from him, try to understand why he did it. Perhaps the reason is not at all in his attitude towards you, but most likely in the presence of some problem in his family, at work, or in his personal life. And there are also people who most of the time are in a state of anger, aggression and irritation, then you shouldn’t expect anything inspiring from them at all. Just imagine what it’s like for them to live with themselves, be understanding and take pity on them. And definitely don’t react painfully to their “barbs”.
II. And again try to understand your interlocutor. If you were told something unpleasant, dig deeper: most likely it’s a simple lack of proper upbringing. And a person’s behavior towards you is exactly the same as towards other people. Think about this and do not pay attention to the statements made. Take them into account and draw appropriate conclusions. Do not take what is happening to heart and do not harbor any anger or resentment.
III. Of course, you want to restore justice and convince your interlocutor of his, as it seems to you, incorrect judgments. If you succeeded without much emotional effort, great. But more often than not, we are so decisively and unshakably trying to prove something to someone that it already develops into some kind of competition rather than into a peaceful and thorough dialogue. The outcome of which, apart from your own experiences later, will not bring any constructiveness. So, know how to stop in time, so as not to get upset later. Focus on the situation. It is better to stop in time, without finding out, than, still without resolving the issue, to “go too far.” Be wiser.
IV. No matter how much we would like it, you won’t be good for everyone and you won’t please everyone. What one likes is unacceptable to another. Remember this. Just be yourself. Do as you would like to be treated. The truth is as old as time, but this is the only way you will do the right thing. Think about how many people you like. And those isolated cases when you didn’t please someone happen to absolutely everyone. This is absolutely no reason to blame yourself, try to change, and end up worrying all day.
V. Don't lower your self-esteem. No statement should influence her. On the contrary, behave with dignity, calmly and know how to respond to the offender, confidently stating and conveying your position. Make it clear to your interlocutor that you will not tolerate such treatment. Calmness and confidence are your “psychological trump card”. After this, your condition will be many times better than if you became emotionally overzealous, irritated or angry.
VI. If, nevertheless, you are so affected by the situation that you cannot get it out of your head for a long time, then simply do everything possible to distract yourself. This can be any emotional release in the form of a walk in the park, going to the store, playing sports, talking on the phone, or listening to pleasant music or turning on your favorite movie. Forget yourself and don’t dwell on what happened. Shifting your attention to something productive will take your mind off negative thoughts about another person's actions or words.
VII. Set your priorities. Should you waste your time on worry that is weighing you down? After all, you spend your strength and energy on unimportant things, which leads to devastation and, as a result, a reluctance to do anything at all. Think about how much you could do without getting hung up on the problem you created, which is stopping your entire routine and leisure time.
VIII. Finally, have some humor.
Perhaps this is what will help you not react so sharply to what is happening. You can imagine the offender in some funny way, for example, a ridiculous outfit in the form of a teddy bear costume or with an Indian headdress. It is possible that this will reduce the degree to which you perceive some offensive and unpleasant statements from your interlocutor.
IX. Don't be obsessed! Even if you couldn’t control yourself and still reacted too emotionally to the situation, understand one thing - this is not the end of the world. Everything will pass, and tomorrow this situation may seem to you not so serious and worthy of your excessive attention.
X. And finally, what you definitely shouldn’t do is:
- respond to aggression with aggression, even mentally. Thus, negative information will remain present in your consciousness, settling in it; - try to take revenge or punish the offender. You must be above this and wiser. Doing something impulsive will not improve your psychological state ; - look for the reason for what happened in yourself. Don't let others shape your inner state. Analyze and evaluate the situation as an outside observer. And remember: you will not change others, but it is absolutely in your hands to change yourself and your attitude towards what is happening!
JoinUs 2020-10-08
You can't be good to everyone
You don't have to be good to everyone! What do you need then? You need two things: to be good for yourself and to be good for your loved ones.
Be good to yourself
It’s not for nothing that I put MYSELF first, because it’s more important. Why? Because there is an unshakable psychological law: if you are convinced deep down in your soul that you are a good person, if you have order with your self-esteem, if you believe in yourself. Then, you automatically broadcast this message to the outside world.
And then those around you read it from you. After that, according to the principle of a reflecting mirror, they give feedback, the opposite attitude. Simply put, how we treat ourselves, how much we love ourselves, is how much those around us love us.
Be good to loved ones and important people
There is nothing wrong with growing above yourself as a subject of a relationship. On the contrary, I believe it is a sign of personal maturity when a person improves his relationship skills.
For example, a woman takes care of her appearance, health and watches courses on how to become a good lover to her beloved man, her husband. Or, a man studies the question of how girls understand attention. And how to provide it correctly so that the wife is always happy.
Or, moms and dads use the latest knowledge in the field of psychology and pedagogy to raise a happy, successful child. Or, regardless of gender, a person studies the techniques of practical co-conflictology. And then he understands that the best way to behave in conflicts is mutually satisfying cooperation.
Being good to your loved ones is important and necessary. Because relationships are not dandelions growing on their own. Relationships require investment. Only in this case, with equal contributions from both sides, can we count on a happy, loving, long-term relationship.
How to be a good friend to everyone?
Well, let’s say I convinced you that you will never be good to everyone . And then, you may still have the desire to be a friend. Let's see what we have here.
What does it mean to you to be a friend? Be useful? Come to help on time, on the first call? Be able to support and sympathize when he has problems and calls you at three in the morning? If yes, then I have sad news. This attitude towards friends suggests that one day they will sit on your neck. Because “they ride whoever is lucky.” The saying goes like this.
At the same time, have you noticed that such friendship is not valued? Or rather, it is valued, but only as long as a person needs help. But as soon as everything gets better for him, he disappears.
What to do? Perhaps it was not possible to be good to everyone. But you can remain good precisely for those who love you not only for your friendly help. Ah, he sees you as a person! Appreciates your spiritual characteristics. And, ready to communicate with you. Even if you are of no use to him, just communicate. At the same time, enjoying it.
Don’t rush to say that this is impossible. Think about the bell curve for traits. 14% will like us a priori. Our most important task is to weed out people who are simply taking advantage of us. And, leave those who see us and love us. For our own psychological benefit and peace of mind. The desire to be good for everyone is in the firebox !
Here is the answer to the question:
How to get rid of the desire to be the best
A person who wants to be the best subconsciously considers himself the worst. He is afraid that he will be replaced, pushed away, abandoned. In his opinion, the only chance to earn love and recognition is to satisfy the needs of others and follow their expectations.
To get rid of this desire, you need:
- Understand your needs, desires, interests and abilities. The multifactorial questionnaire of R.B. Cattell or another method of studying personality will help you do this. In addition, think for yourself, make a written analysis of what you want and can do.
- Refuse comparison. If possible, remove yourself from social media or stop viewing other users' pages. The Internet is a major source of self-blame and self-deprecation due to the success of other people. People post on social networks what they want to show. As a rule, they demonstrate the positive side of life, and often they also embellish it or even show off. I recommend reading the article “Likes as a factor of self-esteem.”
- Praise yourself every day. Master auto-training. There will be no desire to beg for respect, praise and love from others if you give it to yourself.
- Keep a diary of victories and observations. From now on, you only compare yourself to yourself. Record all changes, successes and failures, analyze your actions and their consequences.
- Determine your life purpose and goal for the near future. Do you know where you're going or are you just going with the flow? Choose an area that suits your abilities and desires, and focus on becoming the best at one thing. But don't forget to learn to accept failure.
- Allow yourself to lose, to make mistakes, to become imperfect. Games, such as chess, teach you to accept defeat - arrange competitions with friends. Failures are an integral part of life. You can’t reproach yourself for mistakes, you need to analyze them, draw conclusions and correct your actions.
- Realize and accept your positive qualities. You are valuable a priori. Your importance and value does not depend on someone else's opinion. Learn to rely on yourself and your immediate environment.
- Understand that every person is unique from birth. The combination of mental properties, temperament, characteristics of nervous processes, and inclinations is never repeated. Therefore, you cannot be the best in everything - every person has strengths and weaknesses, personal inclinations.
Deep self-knowledge, self-respect and self-acceptance are the key to letting go of the desire to be the best. Yes, you can achieve a lot with hard work. For example, every person can learn to play a musical instrument, but not every person has an ear for music, long fingers to play the piano, or the creative mind to create new compositions. Greater success awaits those who combine natural mental and physical abilities, a love of work, and a desire to play a musical instrument. Believe me, you have something of your own, you just need to find this direction.
Is it good to be good to everyone?
Watch yourself. What happens to you when you try to be good to everyone? Just be honest. Are you achieving peace of mind? Peace? Do you feel better after this?
I accept the possibility that by pleasing another, you feel better for a while. But not for long. Why? Will explain. Because the need to be good for everyone and the strong desire to please others speaks of one’s own deep-seated lack of self-esteem.
To make it clear: imagine that deep down in your soul you firmly believe in your uniqueness and originality. And that you are good enough to be loved, needed and successful.
Now, think about it. If a person is confident within himself, then why does he need external confirmation? After all, it is the pursuit of external confirmation from other people that makes us so obsequious and “good”!
And how will you feel if you stop worrying about how to be a good person to everyone? Perhaps the enormous burden that you have been carrying for many years will fall from your shoulders? Because trying to be good to everyone is very, very, very mentally taxing. We spend a huge amount of energy there. And, as we have already found out, there is simply no point.
@Ekaterina Aleksandrovna Kholodova is a practicing psychologist. You can make an appointment with me for a consultation Online (via Skype, Viber) or in person
Signs that you are trying to be nice to others:
- passive-aggressive behavior for no apparent reason. You do not openly protest, but you are annoyed that you are not doing what you want;
- you are not in the mood and you often walk around with a dissatisfied face.;
- you are in an excessive hurry for no obvious reason.
Act according to how you feel about the situation. There is no need to apologize for not being “as convenient for everyone” as before. At the same time, think before you do anything. As I wrote above, if you do not follow the instructions of your manager, he will do everything to fire you. Always think with your own head and do not forget about a sense of proportion in everything.
And if they start arguing with you, then it’s worth studying the article “how to defend your opinion and point of view.”
How to stop being good to everyone
I hope that in this article I have convinced you that you shouldn’t be good to everyone . For many reasons. Home – it’s simply unrealistic, it’s impossible to be good to everyone! And, if you read everything carefully, then you probably have the right puzzle in your head about what to do in the future.
Get away from this. Hear yourself, tell yourself firmly: I’m tired of being good to everyone!
Ruthlessly give up your habits that please everyone. You need to understand that you have one life. And, it flows very quickly. And, over the years, it gets faster and faster. Do you want to spend it trying over and over again to be good to everyone, but not getting anything special in return?
To get away from this belief, you need to:
- Analyze situations (as many as you can remember) when such behavior bothered you
- Identify patterns (repeated patterns of behavior) that you have been using
- Starting today, track their appearance in your behavior.
- Watch them, block them
- Look what it led to
- You see that nothing terrible happened - Hurray! - We rejoice
- Reinforce by repetition
- And, MOST IMPORTANTLY, improve your self-esteem and self-love. Because the more sincerely we love ourselves, the less we need the approval of others. And, accordingly, you are no longer a person who wants to be good for everyone.
Conclusion: Don't try to be good to everyone. Strive to be the best for yourself. And strive to maintain warm, loving relationships with loved ones. Those who see you. Who appreciates you?
@Ekaterina Aleksandrovna Kholodova. My CHANNEL in ZEN - subscribe!
