Hi all. When it comes to love relationships, human psychology becomes a relevant science, although it is complex and multifaceted. The question most often studied is: “how to distinguish love from affection?” In fact, not everyone can distinguish them; they are usually confused or considered one and the same. Of course, a person has a general understanding of these terms. But when it comes to practice, his knowledge becomes meaningless. First you need to deal with each sign separately, only then determine how sincere your feelings are.
Looking for the difference
Love and affection are different things, but often these concepts are confused. You can philosophize a lot about the difference between them, while actually feeling both for a person at the same time. Often they follow each other: attachment is the natural basis of love as a habit of intimacy.
What's wrong with this, you ask?
Here's what: this habit causes addiction, which in turn leads to the fear of losing a loved one and a feeling of constant (habitual) discomfort. In most cases, the actions of an addict will differ little from the actions of a loving person. And he will listen to his partner, do everything so that they do not move away from him and do not get angry.
The main sign of attachment is pain.
Pain from the tension that you might lose your loved one, pain from the loss itself, pain from painful thoughts about whether it’s cheating. Sometimes a person himself suffers from these experiences, and sometimes he receives pleasure.
Pros and cons of relationships without true love
Quite often you can hear the phrase: “It’s better that they love me than I love someone.” There are many advantages in such relationships, but only if it is a matter of sympathy, and not habit or addiction. The lack of true love leads to suffering and a feeling of loneliness. Advantages:
- freedom of action, since there are no remorse;
- there is no jealousy, which has a very good effect on the psychological state, peace is not disturbed;
- increased attention to one’s own person in exchange for little;
- you can have an affair on the side, change sexual partners, which initially seems tempting.
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Flaws:
- spiritual emptiness, loneliness;
- feeling of a wasted life;
- decreased self-esteem;
- lack of feeling of real happiness;
- periodic irritability towards a partner;
- involuntary focusing on the shortcomings of the chosen one.
However, relationships without true love that are based on healthy attachments last longer. There is trust between partners, mutual assistance, and care. To the spouse’s question, “Why don’t you leave me?” You can often hear the answer: “I’m used to you, where should I go to someone else’s aunt?” In such a marriage, a man perceives his wife more as a mother. He stays with her because he feels comfortable. At home they will always feed you, clothe you, and take care of you when necessary.
The woman, in turn, gets used to a certain rhythm of life, her husband’s shortcomings, and does not want to start a new process of building a relationship with another man. She does not want to experience new emotional upheavals.
What types of nodes are there?
Of course, it is possible and reasonable to become attached to what supports and inspires you. However, at the same time, a person will easily “get rid of” if necessary and will not cause problems or worries for either himself or his partner.
Why is the fear of losing a loved one a sign of “bad” attachment, and not true love?
Therefore, love does not require sacrificing oneself. Life with any fear is an incomplete life. Note: more often than not, those who agree to a relationship with a person with whom they are uncomfortable just to avoid being alone are rarely truly happy. They do everything to prevent the other one from leaving the couple, thereby allowing disrespect for themselves, rudeness, assault, etc. Fear turns off the mind. And this is not at all a manifestation of love and affection, but only affection.
If you love, then you are not confined to the world consisting of you and your partner.
Once you lose him, you will retain the pleasant memories associated with him and move on with your life. Not the past. And for yourself and the people around you.
“Love is measured by the measure of forgiveness, affection by the pain of farewell”...
Love does not exist, there is only attachment. Love is not what it seems
Some people dream of love, which will bring a storm of emotions and physical pleasures into their lives, while others expect warmth, care and tenderness.
The idea of what love should be is put into our heads as early as childhood. We see how dad gives mom flowers with or without reason. We read romantic books about pure, eternal love. Our relatives are getting married and looking very happy. Thus, this feeling is idealized. On the one hand, this is good; the concept of family values is embedded in people’s minds. But it happens that without getting what they want, people become severely disappointed and become depressed and stop believing in love forever.
In fact, love is work, physical and emotional. Partners must put in equal effort to build a truly strong relationship. You need to learn to listen to each other, empathize with failures and rejoice in the victories of your chosen one, be able to remain silent together, and when necessary, shout. You need to learn to accept your loved ones as they are, be able to support them in difficult moments and forgive their weaknesses.
Sometimes it is difficult for us to understand our own feelings and emotions. It seems that here he is, the person with whom you want to live your whole life, with whom you want to fall asleep and wake up. But something gets in the way, for some reason constant quarrels and misunderstandings arise. Maybe we simply cannot distinguish love from human affection, wishful thinking.
What are you experiencing
How to understand whether you are dependent on a person and whether there are too many restrictions in your life?
Attachment turns love into a bad habit when people lose the ability to exist without each other even for some time. Let's look at how it can arise and how to determine what your relationship is built on.
- If a couple has a common home/business, etc., or one of the partners is more comfortable, then for the second he is the personification of material comfort. Parting with him is associated with the loss of the usual standard of living.
- Often immature individuals or people who have received psychological trauma as a result of past negative experiences are afraid of loneliness.
People in a couple can drive each other crazy, but they will not break the union.
They will call it love, but there is attachment out of fear of being alone and unwillingness to leave the comfort zone. Comfort here simply means the usual way of life. They may not like what happens in their lives every day, but they will prefer such a routine to the uncertainty that follows a breakup.
- Unhealthy relationships can arise due to excessive selfishness of one of the partners. If the other one accepts the rules of a one-sided game, then after a while he will begin to feel needed, only realizing the needs of his “half” to the detriment of himself.
Signs of affection
Superficial infatuation, jealousy, inconstancy are characteristics of attachment. People are together because of the fear of loneliness. They often part easily and quickly forget each other.
Passion
It’s worth thinking about what you like most about your chosen one. If people are connected by habit or passion, they will be able to name several obvious qualities of each other. They are not interested in studying their loved one. They value their partner’s “prestige”: his appearance, style, work, popularity. They can admire beautiful eyes, smile, gait. Sometimes affection develops into true love. But more often it becomes a depressing habit.
If the feeling is true, individuality is valued. A lover admires the character, dreams, thoughtfulness, and kind heart of his other half. A loving person notices little things: how a loved one hugs, how he laughs, how he reads books. A person knows a lot about a partner and strives to learn more.
Impermanence of feelings
Affection flares up quickly and fades just as quickly. In this case, the chosen one begins to irritate over little things. And a loving person accepts the characteristics of his other half. He knows how to ignore trifles, and in case of big problems he knows how to hear.
A tired partner is quickly exchanged for new love. Such inconstancy means that a person has a poor understanding of himself. He doesn't know who he needs. Does not understand his own feelings and desires. He is selfish and does not know how to share warmth with others. Instability is aggravated by complexes and mental problems. The individual does not want to be responsible, honest, mature.
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Jealousy
To understand whether love or habit united people, you need to remember whether there were cases of absurd jealousy between partners. Out of attachment, a sense of possessiveness develops. A person constantly finds fault, makes guesses, and gets fixated on an invented problem. Many people call it passion. But such manifestations can determine an unhealthy relationship.
The desire to "receive"
Each partner is confident in his altruism. He is immersed in his experiences, blaming the chosen one for everything. It is difficult for him to realize his selfishness. Signs of self-obsession:
- it seems that he always did the right thing, but the chosen one does not see his mistakes (both think so);
- your priorities seem more sensible and important (and your partner seems naive and stupid);
- I want to satisfy my desires, even if my companion complains of discomfort;
- are not interested in the experiences, fears, thoughts of the other half;
- a person can gladly insult a partner, believing that he is completely right;
- can lie, insincerely flatter in order to get what he wants (a type of manipulation);
- in the success of a partner he sees benefits only for himself (material comfort, the opportunity to brag about a successful chosen one).
Tearing off the masks
Do you think that everything is ok in your couple, but still wonder how to distinguish love from affection for a person? Well, let's see how each feeling is expressed.
- Your partner is an angel. In any case, you perceive him this way (or vice versa: he perceives you), which means that you are attached to some specific quality of his (intelligence, appearance, originality, etc.).
What is the difference between love and affection in this case?
The fact that loving partners see in each other not only the positive, but also the negative, and accept it.
- How else can you tell if you love your boyfriend/girlfriend or are attached to him/her? If this is normal at the initial stage of a relationship, then later, when the usual environment ceases to exist for one or both partners, we can safely talk about attachment. Such an obsession with a partner will ultimately lead to irritation of the object of passion and a desire to literally “get rid of it.”
Loving people give each other the right to personal space and social life.
- Someone in your couple uses the pronoun “I” too often, almost always puts their interests to the fore, without thinking about what is important for the other.
Love or affection?
Of course, the second one. While true love is manifested in mutual consideration of interests and care for each other.
- Actually, any “preserved” state is a sign of attachment. Have you stopped reading, developing, attending your favorite trainings? Do you like to draw, but after starting a relationship, you decided to move your easel to the attic? Previously, you used to let your soul go by playing the “Moonlight Sonata”, but now the instrument is covered with a centimeter layer of dust? Has handicraft moved to the far corner?
Love and creativity
Love encourages a person to create, create, and realize creative potential. If everything is the other way around for you, think about whether you are in a healthy relationship.
How to understand what leads to frequent quarrels?
How to distinguish between love and affection, even if you are both ardent and passionate natures? Of course, in the case of love, most likely, both will care about compromises. There is something else that distinguishes these two concepts. This is gratitude.
When we love, we usually feel gratitude in principle for life, and for the person who is next to us.
We are simply happy to have him there. And here's another thing. Love between you or affection on the Internet suggests determining various tests for girls. Before you turn to them, think about whether you should let tests that begin with a question determine your destiny.
“Does your boyfriend often call you by a different name?”
"Symptoms" of true love
Loving people sincerely open up to each other. This is a strong meaningful feeling . Other signs of love:
- desire to give as much as possible;
- the need to be faithful;
- the ability to accept the shortcomings of a loved one.
Deep feelings
If love is real, a person loves both his partner’s advantages and his disadvantages. His attitude does not change during conflicts and other crises. A lover deeply respects his chosen one, even when he finds himself in absurd situations. There is no place for idealization in such a union. As people get to know each other, they only fall in love more. And when obstacles appear, they fight them together.
Mutual trust
Love is impossible without the frankness of the halves. In psychology, trust between partners is defined as a complex psychological phenomenon caused by similar experiences and views. People are not afraid to remain themselves in such relationships; they reveal their real “I”. Love inspires them to express themselves. The feeling stimulates you to study yourself, revealing yourself to your loved one.
The desire to “give”
Another important difference between affection and strong feelings: affection is caring for oneself, love is caring for a loved one. The lover strives to please the chosen one, to please him. There is a need to see the positive emotions of your other half, even if you have to risk a lot.
A deeply loving person strives to “get the stars” for his beloved. For him, the main goal is the happiness of the chosen one, and not his own. He is interested in the self-development of the object of his love. Wishes him happiness, regardless of his own goals and views. In a formal relationship, a person is glad that he just has someone.
Love for another person is a skill characteristic of a highly developed person. An individual with a neurotic psyche is self-centered and selfish. He needs relationships for his own happiness, and he is not interested in the well-being of his chosen one. Highly developed persons know how to live for another personality without dissolving in it. They are aware of their part of the blame if problems arise. When two highly developed personalities find each other, they are able to survive any crisis.
If in a couple only one “gives”, this is painful love. We need harmony. It is important to negotiate and give in. However, the balance will be different for all couples. The main thing is that both companions feel comfortable. For example, one of them does not know how to concede, while the second makes contact more easily. Such relationships work if they suit both. You don't have to try to achieve a 50/50 balance.
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Loyalty of partners
It's not just about intimate fidelity. Devoted halves know how to overcome difficulties together. Conflict does not lead to separation. The romantic union, on the contrary, becomes stronger.
Although “bodily” devotion is also important. Lovers have a need to be faithful. This is not an oppressive obligation, but a sincere desire. I want to preserve the passion and, if necessary, warm it up. And wasting energy on others seems pointless. Staying faithful is easy and pleasant.
Loyalty should not be confused with lack of freedom. Love helps a person to open up and develop. Loving people remain themselves in relationships. Each participant maintains connections with old comrades. The halves have interests outside the relationship.
Changing the line of behavior
Having figured out what the difference is between love and affection, and having come to the conclusion that you have become a hostage to the latter, it is logical to ask yourself what to do about it all?
Feeling like a creator
If you are the one tying the knots, then you definitely have an ace in your hands. Observe yourself and start adjusting your attitude. Try to be sincerely interested in what is important to your partner. For example, if he is a football fan, go to a match together. If contemporary art inspires her, buy two tickets to the exhibition. It is important to first obtain a little information - about the rules of the game and the teams, about the representatives of this movement and the artist whose exhibition you intend to admire on Friday evening.
This will provide you with topics for conversation, during which you will be sure to look at your partner in a new light.
Yes, but... how do you know if it's love or affection? Believe me, everything will happen by itself. By looking at your “other half” differently, you will either fall in love with him in a new way, or you yourself will decide to let him go. Having experienced in practice the difference between these two feelings, it will become easier for you to give an adequate reaction and manage your behavior.
Love
Falling in love takes its source from sympathy. However, this feeling has a much stronger emotional coloring. Falling in love is always an explosion of emotions. When you are in love, your blood seems to be pumping with adrenaline. You begin to notice that quite serious changes are happening to your personality. The fact is that the main task of a lover is to please his partner. And here all means are good. Falling in love sometimes makes you do things that, if you were in “a sober mind and good memory,” you would never do.
Girls experiment with their appearance. In pursuit of an ideal image, they can change themselves beyond recognition. And all in order to become closer to the object of their claims. Young people try on the role of a knight and try to do everything so that their chosen one can feel like a real princess.
Falling in love is a demanding feeling. By its nature it is quite selfish. After all, if we throw away all sentimentality, we will see that falling in love hides a person’s desperate desire to be loved.
And no matter how cynical it may sound, a lover actually uses his partner to satisfy his needs.
Lovers are almost always forced to demand proof of their love from each other
(gifts, spending time together, etc.). As soon as one of the partners deviates from these unwritten rules, resentment immediately begins. The young man did not call his girlfriend in the evening. And I never forgot before. Or a more serious offense - he forgot about her birthday and did not congratulate her. The girl is in a trance and is ready to believe that he has stopped loving her.
There can be many variations of “offences”. Falling in love can “invent” them in great quantities. And in order to make amends for his “guilts,” the guilty partner must provide his chosen one or chosen one with more and more evidence of his love.
Falling in love, in its essence, never gives a feeling of peace and inner harmony.
The lover seems to be participating in a roller coaster ride again and again - he either feels very good or feels very bad. Being in love will always keep you on edge, and you will be forced to constantly evaluate your partner's behavior.
Erich Fromm, in his book “The Art of Loving,” gives a stunningly accurate definition of falling in love: “Immature love says: “I love you because I need you.”
The need for another person as a means of satisfying one’s need for love is the cornerstone of falling in love. Lovers are determined to receive. Receive support, attention, affection, care. But sometimes they are not ready to give.
