Communication and manipulation: advice from psychologist Olga Yurkovskaya
Rarely are people lucky with their mother-in-law. So that it helps in moderation, but does not interfere too much. She respected your decisions and did not think that her “poor boy” was being offended and underestimated. And so that she doesn’t forcefully demand to call her “mom”.
What to do if the jackpot doesn't hit? If the mother-in-law is practically a monster? With the manners of at least a British queen and the skills of an experienced manipulator?
First a real life sketch. Typically the scenario is like this:
— On Sundays I bake a cake and invite her to visit. Of course, she is still a grimza, but what can I do? I endure it. After all, my husband's mother.
At the same time, you, as the wife of her son, necessarily receive a number of responsibilities:
- Call, inquire about health, show attention.
- Serve your duty while sitting silently at the dinner table. Because you have no common topics to discuss.
- Tolerate criticism. Listen to how lousy you are at cooking and how badly you raise your children.
- Keep your opinions to yourself. Because she raised such a son. And what will come of your children with such and such a mother is another question!
And no rights.
- Be grateful. You are already incredibly lucky to have a successful marriage.
So what, endure all your life, swallow grievances and sit like a schoolgirl at family dinners? Is it really like this for everyone and there is no other way out? After all, what won’t you do for your family...
Explain why you disagree with your mother-in-law's opinion
If you are categorically against your child walking around in warm overalls and a hat, even on a hot summer day, calmly explain your position. Grandmothers often like to impose their opinions on how children should be raised. Say, “I respect your opinion, but times are changing, and modern parents use different methods.”
Alina, 26 years old:
“When we visit my mother-in-law, she constantly teaches me how to treat my own son. They started complementary feeding almost from birth, diapers are bad, all baby things must be boiled, put on the potty from three months. But every mother now knows that at three months the baby has enough breast milk, and diapers are convenient and not at all harmful. At first I was terribly annoyed by these lectures from my mother-in-law, but I gave examples, showed videos of famous pediatricians on YouTube, and defended my point of view. I wanted to argue and not come again. But this is also wrong, because my son should have a grandmother, and I didn’t want to spoil the relationship. In the end, the mother-in-law gave up and said offendedly: “Grow up as you want. You are parents, you know better.” Sometimes I call her and ask for advice if I know that she is competent in the matter. Then the mother-in-law rejoices and feels needed.”
Psychology of relations between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law
quite rare in relationships between daughters-in-law and mother-in-law .
Even with outwardly friendly communication, these women, as a rule, have a large number of complaints against each other.
On the part of the daughter-in-law, a negative attitude towards her mother-in-law can be caused by jealousy, a sense of ownership towards her husband, or the character traits of the young woman.
But often a bad attitude is formed in response to the negative behavior of the husband's mother.
The main reasons why a mother-in-law may behave aggressively towards her daughter-in-law:
- Complex nature . The mother-in-law initially has a domineering, authoritarian character, which will only worsen with age. The habit of establishing order in the family and leading the husband and children is also reflected in the attitude towards the daughter-in-law - the mother-in-law expects obedience from her.
- Jealousy . The woman loves her son and is simply jealous of another woman who has turned her attention to herself. After marriage, most sons begin to pay less attention to their mothers and visit them less often. This leads to resentment and jealousy.
- Love for my son . For any mother, her child is the most talented, smart and kind. Exaggeration of a son's merits leads to inflated demands on his wife. Mothers-in-law often think that their daughter-in-law is unworthy of their son.
- Hormones . Due to their age, women with adult sons are influenced by strong hormonal changes (menopause). Similar changes in the body leave an imprint on behavior: irritability, tearfulness, aggressiveness.
- Lack of interests . If, besides her son, there are no other interests in the mother’s life in the form of a husband, other sons and daughters, grandchildren, work and hobbies, then she may show increased interest in her son’s family due to the lack of other worries and excess free time.
How to communicate with an energy vampire in the family? Advice from psychologists will tell you!
Don't let yourself be insulted
Unfortunately, some mothers-in-law show disrespect for their daughters-in-law and try to hurt them in every possible way. Do not allow yourself to be humiliated, even if the caustic remark is made as a joke.
Natalya, 30 years old:
“My fathers-in-law didn’t like me from the first time we met. At first I looked for reasons within myself, but it turned out that all my son’s girls who came before me were also insulted and humiliated. It was a shame, because my husband and I have a good, strong family. We love and respect each other. Every time they met, the mother-in-law could say: “How you have recovered, look, Vanya will find himself a slender and beautiful wife. And you will be left with two children, useless to anyone.” When my mother-in-law came to visit us, it became a real test. She didn’t like absolutely everything: my floors weren’t clean enough, the cups were in the wrong order, the children were ill-mannered, the food wasn’t tasty. I am a calm, non-conflict person, but at one point the limit of my patience came.” “You know, in your apartment there is always garbage and dirt on the floor, but I don’t reprimand you. And please also note that you and I have the same height, at which I weigh 56 kg, and you weigh 90. Are you really jealous of me, since you say all this? Moreover, I said this with a smile, as if as a joke. From then on, the insults and jokes directed at me stopped.”
How to calculate a manipulator
So, now you know who the manipulator is. Now take a closer look at your mother-in-law and determine whether she belongs to this type. Let's start with the fact that the mother-in-law is a manipulator, a permanent guest in your house, in appearance she is an ideal mother-in-law, since she tries to help you in everything, arguing that your husband is always at work, you are also always busy, so out of the kindness of her heart she comes to your aid. And she will clean the apartment, and prepare the food, and iron the pants of her beloved son, and buy a blouse for her grandson - well, just an ideal relative, always ready to help.
But, now attention, she is doing this absolutely not in order to make your life easier, but in order to completely control and monitor your family life. She passes off her control of your family as ordinary concern. However, wait a minute, this does not mean at all that your mother-in-law is a monster who should be feared and avoided, this type of people simply exists and, really, nothing can be done about it, you just have to adapt to living together next to such a person. So, let's look at strategies for dealing with a manipulative mother-in-law:
Don't get your husband on your side
This is the biggest mistake new wives make when dealing with their mothers-in-law. You cannot win your husband over to your side, since he will never go against his mother, and with such behavior you will only turn him against you. In addition, it is very dangerous to put your husband before a choice, since there is a high probability that he will not choose you. Use the same tactics as she did: do not resort to insults, smile and speak about your “beloved mother” only in a positive context. Put her vigilance to sleep, because you are the most modest and submissive daughter-in-law in the world!
And Vaska listens and eats
Oh, this is a great way that will help you and your mother-in-law avoid causing conflict and remain consistent with your opinion. This method is quite simple - you just need to agree with your mother-in-law on everything: re-glue the wallpaper brown? Certainly! Go on vacation to the countryside rather than to the sea? Certainly! Dye your hair brown? Certainly! Send your child to cutting and sewing courses? Naturally! But you will do everything in your own way and this is not discussed. You don’t need to follow your mother-in-law’s lead, because after some time she will understand that you are broken, do as you see fit. And to all your mother-in-law’s questions, just smile.
Stop criticism from your mother-in-law
There are women who are always dissatisfied with everything. Your mother-in-law is sitting in your kitchen, drinking fragrant tea with a fragrant cake, which you carefully baked for her arrival. And he begins to criticize: the pie is not soft enough, you speak rudely to your husband, you don’t know how to raise children.
Alexandra, 33 years old:
“Our fathers-in-law live in a neighboring house, and often our mother-in-law comes to visit us. I have nothing against it. But these constant comments that I am doing everything wrong really irritate me. One day I told her: “Do you know that, according to statistics, women choose as husbands those who are similar to their fathers? And what about the men who look like their mothers?” I didn’t go into further explanation, but my mother-in-law understood everything herself. I practically didn’t hear any more criticism directed at me.”
How to behave with a manipulative mother-in-law?
Good afternoon
I am 29 years old, we live together with my husband (we are the same age), we used to live with my mother-in-law (she raised him alone without a husband), but due to the difficult relationship between me and her, we separated, I was the initiator. The reason is my mother-in-law is a tank. And armored. I am a direct and open person, when my future husband and I were getting ready to get married, I offered him to rent an apartment, I was independent from an early age, at 19 I started working in a non-native city, living separately from my parents. My husband discussed the situation with my mother, and she invited us to live with her, since the area allowed. I was against it, but my husband persuaded me. My mother-in-law is one of those who lay down softly, but sleep hard. At first, living together was easy and pleasant. My mother-in-law worked from morning to night, we practically never crossed paths, only on weekends, I also worked, ran the entire household, and everything was tripled for everyone. But then my mother-in-law quit and began to arrange a “heavenly life” for my husband and me. My friends were openly jealous of me, tortured by everyday life, they saw that when I came home from work I could afford to do nothing - by the time I arrived, my mother-in-law was already dusting everywhere, putting things in order, preparing delicious food, washing/ironing, even looking after me, in general like I did before. And I really liked it. Her care for me as her own daughter was pleasant and I gratefully accepted her, responded with respect and respect. And with all my heart. I really believed that she loved me, and I considered myself an excellent daughter-in-law - polite, thrifty, I love her son, I take care of him, I don’t gossip, I don’t drink, I don’t smoke.
But over time, it began to bother me greatly that every step I took, every word my husband said to me, had to be controlled by my mother-in-law. For any reason, she called first him, then me, told me what he told me, then asked me to call him and call her back to tell me what he would tell me. Madhouse, you say? I agree)) I have long wanted to cook for my husband myself, accompany him to work, make decisions, wash and iron, and in general I realized that she did not let me breathe, this is exactly the feeling I had from communicating with her. Even in the most basic questions, such as what to cook for dinner or what time to go to the market, there was only one correct opinion - the opinion of my mother-in-law. Moreover, if I offered something of my own, they told me, “Oh, okay, let’s see,” and they did it her way anyway. Perhaps these are all little things, but they terribly stressed and irritated me, after all, I did not marry my mother-in-law, and in the end, my whole life went according to the schedule drawn up by my mother-in-law. Calls with reports on every step are the norm. My husband spent the evenings with friends, and I with my mother-in-law, who shouted to me, “Call him, let him go home,” and if my husband came “in a mood,” I always tried to put him to bed, and put off all conversations about his behavior for another day, because a drunk person still won’t accept moral teaching, but he can still get angry, and the last thing I need is a sleepless night before a working day, but my mother-in-law waited until I went to the bathroom, and instantly went to our room, raised my husband, and began to imitate a heartfelt attack, accuse him of ingratitude, cry, scream, could slap him in the face, then with a feeling of accomplishment she went to bed, and I spent half the night trying to calm my husband down. How many times have I tried to talk to her, explaining that I’m not comfortable, that she’s not allowing my son to develop with her overprotectiveness, that I can’t live like this anymore - she has the same answer to everything: “Okay, what nonsense are you talking about, teach me Once again, when you have your own children, I’ll see how you raise them.” I repeatedly suggested that my husband move out of her apartment, saying that I could no longer live like this, that at 25 years old living in someone else’s head was idiocy. But my mother so deftly kept him near her - either she was overcome by a heart attack, or she cried - they say you don’t need me, etc. But my husband was happy with everything, and evenings with friends and drinking became more frequent. In general, my irritation and misunderstanding towards my mother-in-law grew every day, and in the end, after living together for 5 years, I left this family for my parents. I just realized that there was no place for me in it, and I and my aspirations did not find a response from my husband, much less from his mother. My departure offended my mother-in-law terribly; she made it clear to me that I was now nothing to her. We lived separately for a month, during which time my mother-in-law moved in with her mother and gave the go-ahead for us to live in her apartment. I can imagine how much effort it took her. And now three years have passed, our relationship has been restored in terms of the fact that we communicate, I help her as much as I can, I try to do something nice, I give gifts, after all, she is not a bad person, she taught me a lot, and for a lot I am grateful to her, and she raised me a good husband, it’s true, after breaking away from my mother’s skirt, my husband began to show more independence, he developed an interest in life, he began to develop, including looking for additional income, helping me around the house, taking care of our family, in short , behave as a man should. And our relationship has become completely different. But I am still haunted by my mother-in-law’s care, which she has now directed at me. My husband doesn’t have much time to communicate with her, so she constantly calls me, maybe 21 times a day. “And your son didn’t come?” “Did he call you? What did you say? "He has not come yet?" “Will you call me when he arrives?” And everything like that... I suggest to her, why not call him herself? in response - and I called. My mother-in-law interprets any of my intonations the way she needs. Moreover, he always tries it on himself, i.e. it doesn’t matter to her at all how I feel, I may be unhappy for 100 reasons, I may have a headache, there may be problems at work, my knitting may not work out, or whatever, but she will dig into me like a gimlet and find out reason to the end. I try not to complain so as not to get 1001 advice about treatment/solving problems and other things. Perhaps I just feel that she is not interested in me, because... She may not listen to me and start asking about her son. But I don’t have the desire or time to answer the questions every two hours: “How are you? What are you doing? What news? I don’t want to invent news for her and look for topics for conversation. Because she will react to some positive news with negativity, and to negative news she will react with worry and blow my mind. If my mother-in-law is worried, then I must worry too, if I am calm and minding my own business, it is her duty to bring me out of this state of peace, she provokes me with questions, sighs, demands, bad forecasts. If I make it clear to her that I don’t want communication at the moment, she begins to ask why, if she doesn’t like the intonation of my voice, she can calmly hang up. This just pisses me off. Lately I have been allowing myself to tell her, “Mom, leave me alone, I can’t be nervous, call your son yourself and don’t call me back later,” or “You’re in a bad mood, call me back when you’re in a good mood.” But she’s not a stupid person, and as soon as she notices that I’m trying to build boundaries, she immediately starts pointing at me like a tank - she’s all so good and positive-minded... Moreover, she’s not a harmless woman, she can do it in our absence (when my husband and I are at work) to bring guests to us - her friends, I understand that this is her apartment, but she calls me in advance and informs me that they are now coming to look at our renovation, for example, or new furniture, or how our toilet is installed, in general nonsense. But all this is unpleasant for me, but you never know where I have everything and what is thrown where in the morning getting ready for work, why would strangers see my mess... In fact, she rummages around in all corners, where we have what, not out of malice , for control. He might find a beer bottle in the trash can and interrogate me with passion. Not for his son, but for me, although he knows that it’s definitely not mine.
And I’m tired... I have absolutely no strength or desire to communicate with her, after her latest antics I want to smash the phone against the wall. And after talking with her, I can’t communicate calmly with other people, I get irritated with them. I’m like an amoeba that is poked with a stick - I shrink from communicating with my mother-in-law.
Sorry if I wrote too much, I think you understand my problem. I don't know how to communicate with my mother-in-law. I cannot open my soul to her and openly say everything that I think about what is happening, because... this has happened more than once, and each time she pretended that she didn’t understand what I was talking about, and I apparently just want to harm her and isolate her from her son, in the end - my husband and I are in quarrels, my mother-in-law is happy that I’m on the hook .
Therefore, I need practical advice on what to say so that she cannot reproach me with bad intentions, but also to reduce our communication to a minimum. And if possible, some tips on how to put your emotional state in order, exercises maybe... I will soon be left with no energy at all - I spend all of it on my relationship with my mother-in-law. Thank you for listening, I'm really looking forward to your advice.
I don’t know how to behave with my mother-in-law (1 answer)
"Don't compare with yourself"
Yulia, 39 years old:
“My mother-in-law expressed a desire to help with the children. I was very grateful to her, because with two weather conditions, of course, it’s hard. Our grandmother has a difficult character, but this time she outdid herself. Every morning began with constant reproaches: “You’re doing everything wrong,” “Why did I even come,” “I can’t watch you wash the floors/change the baby’s clothes/cook dinner.” Every day turned into hell, but I endured and remained silent. Still, the elderly woman found the time and energy and helps me, although she is not obligated. One day she woke up completely out of mood and yelled at me for accidentally breaking a cup. I couldn’t stand it either, I burst into tears, my tears wouldn’t let me go for a long time. The mother-in-law said in a raised voice: “You are crazy, you need to be sent to a special clinic.” I gathered my courage and answered: “Don’t judge by yourself.” The next day, the mother-in-law got ready and went home. I was very ashamed, I thought I had offended a woman. But then she started calling me, she communicated peacefully, we saw each other several times, and the communication went very well.”
Don't let your mother-in-law raise your children
They have already raised children, and now they can only give some advice, and it’s up to the parents to decide whether to use it or not.
Olesya, 27 years old:
“Our daughter is allergic. We do not give her chocolate, sweets, lollipops and other harmful sweets, which later cause allergy attacks. I adhere to the principles of healthy eating, and I taught my husband to eat balanced, healthy foods. When we come to visit my grandmother (my husband’s mother), it is very difficult for me to explain to her that I shouldn’t give my granddaughter candy. She tries to sneak her a kinder surprise or a lollipop, which makes me very angry. The point is not that all this is harmful to health. Then she shouldn’t call an allergist at home, go and take endless tests and give medications to the child. On my last visit to them my patience ran out. “That’s it, daughter, we won’t see each other again. She wants you to break out in a red rash and itch.” That time we said goodbye and left. The mother-in-law, of course, was offended. But recently I called my husband and asked him to come visit. “There are no sweets in the house, honestly,” she said, and I think we’ll go to grandma’s next weekend. Let's see how true this is."
It is better, of course, to maintain friendly, warm relations with the mother-in-law, but sometimes the husband’s mother goes beyond the boundaries. In this case, you need to be able to stand up for yourself, without stooping to insults and threats. After all, this woman raised such a wonderful son who became your husband and the father of your children, so she deserves to be treated with respect. Try to convey to your mother-in-law that you listen to her opinion, but you have your own point of view.
Type No. 4. Owner
Main signs:
her son should always be “in the zone of access”; she is sure that, despite the presence of some kind of wife, he should think about her first.
Namely: digging the garden, doing repairs, driving to the dacha and carrying out a thousand and one other tasks - for every day there is bound to be some “hyper-important” task. As a rule, the “Proprietor” is not all right with her health - every time her son cannot rush to her rescue, her blood pressure immediately rises (pressure drops, heart hurts, stabbing in the right side, pain in the left heel... - choose your answer). Why does she do this:
a person who feels guilty is easy to manipulate.
She wants constant attention - she is convinced that there is no better center of the universe for her son. How to behave:
unite with your husband and act as a “united front” against her. In addition, you can try to “switch” your mother-in-law’s attention by getting her interested in something else. Introduce her to some suitable men, if she is single, engage her in some new hobby. You don’t have to refuse immediately, cutting off the ends, but gradually accustom her to the idea that her son is not against helping her, but he will do it in such a way that the interests of his family also do not suffer.
