I hate my mother-in-law: advice from a psychologist on how to overcome the condition

Why doesn't the mother-in-law love her daughter-in-law?

Initially, many women note that they feel hostility from their mother-in-law from the very beginning. This is indeed quite possible and happens for several reasons:

Mother-in-law considers her daughter-in-law her rival
The mother-in-law expects that with the arrival of her daughter-in-law, her son will begin to devote much less time to her

It is these reasons that lead to mothers-in-law treating their daughters-in-law poorly, and out of the blue they come up with reasons why they should not be loved. Quite often they also come up with the idea that the daughter-in-law is a slob, not a housekeeper, doesn’t want to cook, and doesn’t look after the children well. Many psychologists note that establishing relationships between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is a job for two.

Mother in law hates daughter in law

I hate my mother-in-law: advice from a psychologist

In most cases, you can hear that a daughter-in-law hates her mother-in-law. This is due to the fact that an elderly woman constantly interferes with the relationship of a young family. In fact, this actually happens quite often. This is due to the fact that, according to the mother-in-law, she has the right to see how her son gets along with the new woman.

Features of the relationship:

Indeed, she gave her child 30 years, and now she does not want to give her son into the hands of just anyone. Your task is to prove that you are the best and are not going to compete with her. For this purpose, try to give compliments more often. Even if it's not true. However, you don’t need to do this with a sly look so that it is noticeable that you are cheating and telling lies. Flattery is not the best option.
Try to make it look natural. Mention that you like the new hairstyle or the coffee you made. Also, at all family holidays that you attend, constantly praise your mother-in-law and say that she has the most delicious dishes. Under no circumstances should you discuss her son with your mother-in-law or exaggerate. That is, any negative word towards her son means that she is a bad mother.
Try to only shine a positive light on your husband, and tell your mother-in-law, giving compliments, that she raised a good son. Any woman will be pleased to hear this.
Try to take into account all the wishes of your mother-in-law. Indeed, the opinions of adults may differ from your attitude to everything that happens, their life in general. But it’s still worth trying to find a common language.

War between women

Advice from a psychologist: how to improve relationships with your daughter-in-law

Now, if the mother-in-law does not want to lose her beloved son or make him unhappy, finding out why she hates her daughter-in-law so much, she needs to take note of useful tips on what to do in this case. After all, if such a problem is not solved in time, it can lead to the most disastrous results. And among them:

Constant stress for all three heroes (and in the presence of small children, also for them).
The divorce of young people and the collapse of an already established unit of society.
The broken heart of a beloved son.
Alcoholism, antisocial behavior and even suicidal attempts are often provoked by this situation.

Of course, it is unlikely that you will be able to completely correct your attitude and become a friend or even a second mother for your daughter-in-law, but at least bringing the relationship to an acceptable level is simply necessary.

Therefore, if you are tormented by the question: “What should I do if I don’t love my daughter-in-law?”, try to make an effort and follow the following useful recommendations.

Respect your son's chosen one

If you respect your son, you should accept his choice and start treating his significant other normally. You can’t tell your heart, he fell in love with this woman and wants to spend the rest of his life with her. Therefore, even if a girl does not suit you with her character, behavior or appearance, take her for granted and start changing your views.

Try not to express your dissatisfaction with this matter and control yourself. Try to discern the positive aspects of your daughter-in-law and the qualities for which your child fell in love with her. After all, it cannot be exclusively bad. Your loved one, who was raised by you, made this choice. So, you need to come to terms with him. Otherwise, this threatens that your son will stop contacting you altogether.

Put yourself in your daughter-in-law’s shoes and remember what you were like when you were her. Perhaps you were also offended by your own mother-in-law. So why transfer your grievances to an innocent young lady whom the person dear to your heart loves so much?

Be polite and tactful with your daughter-in-law

If, from the mother-in-law’s point of view, the daughter-in-law is a completely negative character, do not forget about the sense of tact and politeness. In order not to provoke retaliatory hatred and aggression from your daughter-in-law, and even more so from your son, try to be kind and not stoop to rudeness, insults or rudeness. Instead of demonstrating your unquestioned authority, it is better to listen to the girl’s opinion, accept her point of view on various issues. And do not criticize in the presence of your son or strangers.

It may take months, or even years, to restore the relationship, but it will be worth it. Your daughter-in-law will grow up, come to her senses, and she herself will begin to show you more respect and reverence. Gradually, points of contact and common interests will appear (at a minimum, this is the person loved by both women). In addition, over time, the young lady has every chance of becoming the good wife, mother and housewife you want her to be.

Set boundaries

You need to accept that in your son’s family, his wife is now the mistress. Therefore, when you want to meet your beloved offspring or grandchildren on their territory, you do not need to take the reins into your own hands and start doing everything yourself (setting the table, grabbing a broom or rag, climbing through cabinets, etc.). There are rules and regulations here, and changing them would not be the best idea.

If your son and family came to stay with you, then now you are the rightful mistress of your possessions. Therefore, give your guest in the form of a daughter-in-law the opportunity to rest and relax. You should not refuse a little help with the housework if she herself expresses such a desire. Perhaps in the process of preparing a dish together, you will be able to quickly find a common language.

Allow the newlyweds to become independent. There is no need to constantly impose your help and then consider them to owe you something. Otherwise, you can only achieve that they will begin to shift all their problems (especially material ones) onto you and get used to living like this.

Maintain neutrality during quarrels between your son and daughter-in-law

If your son and his wife have quarrels and conflicts, keep your distance and try not to interfere. No matter how much you would like to take the side of your beloved son and protect him from the insidious daughter-in-law, there is no need to get involved in other people's relationships. Each couple must live through their problems themselves. This is the only way she can reach a new level and gain consent.

And it’s not a fact that it is your son who needs someone’s help at this moment. There may be situations when a man is to blame, but you objectively understand this and still want to be on his side. This is definitely not the best solution. This will only exacerbate the hostility between your daughter-in-law and yourself.

Don't compete with your daughter-in-law

Of course, you are sure that no one will wash the stains on your son’s shirt better than you or prepare his favorite cabbage rolls or pies. But you shouldn’t endlessly boast about this and belittle the dignity of the daughter-in-law, who also tries to please the guy in everything. There is no need to endlessly compete for his love. Understand that a man loves you both and will show care and tenderness to both his wife and his only mother. And the endless struggle for the first role will only aggravate the situation and completely ruin the already strained relationship.

It will be much more pleasant for a young man to observe that a trusting relationship is emerging between his mother and his wife. Therefore, put aside your pride and do not hesitate to sometimes ask your daughter-in-law for some recipe for a modern dish or advice on using newfangled equipment. And if you periodically begin to praise her for her efforts, then gratitude in the form of respect and the desire to organize family gatherings more often will not take long to arrive.

I hate my mother-in-law, we live together: what should I do?

It’s really bad if you live with your mother-in-law in the same house. Most often, in this case, problems, inconsistencies, and disagreements arise between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. After all, a wife, working 6 days a week, may want to relax on the weekends and watch a few episodes of her favorite TV series. However, if there is a mother-in-law in the house, she may consider that her daughter-in-law is lazy and not a housewife.

I hate my mother-in-law - how to outwit:

Accordingly, very often in such cases, a woman, tired at work, has to do housework on the weekends, polish everything until it shines and wash things. Of course, not everyone may like this, but nothing can be done about it. If you want to improve your relationship with your mother-in-law, try to keep the house really clean and comfortable. If you live with your husband without a mother-in-law, you can afford to be a little lazy, but you won’t be able to do this with your husband’s mother.
If you still want to relax, come up with some important event and just leave home. That is, you will now have to relax with your girlfriends, or in a sports bar, watching events in the sports world. You can just go to the movies. This will be a great pastime, and your mother-in-law will not think that you are a slob or a lazy person.
Just don’t rush to tell a woman that you went to the cinema. Come up with something, say that you are visiting your mother, or doing some important social work at work. That is, a woman should think that you are really very busy with something, and therefore cannot spend time at home and clean and cook.

Bad relationship

Take off your imaginary crown

If the phrase “I hate my mother-in-law” has become your motto, then you are still far from harmonious family relationships. Ask yourself why your husband’s mother didn’t please you so much. Of course, you can make a whole five-page list, but accept a simple fact: those around you are not at all obligated to try to please you and live by your rules, meet any standards of behavior or meet expectations. If you constantly experience negative emotions towards your mother-in-law, find fault with her actions, cling to her words and complain to your spouse, you are behaving exactly the same way as she does. You are the same, whether you like it or not. If you want to establish dialogue, try to be tolerant towards your mother-in-law.

I don’t like my mother-in-law - what should I do?

I hate my mother-in-law - tips:

Of course, it is best to carry out all matters as they arise. That is, if you have a basket of laundry, don’t put it off until better times. It's best to wash these items while there are not many of them.
Try to collect things once a week and ask your husband and mother-in-law what needs to be washed. This way, you will save washing powder and will look much better in the eyes of your mother-in-law. Always try to watch videos and cook something new and tasty.
The main task is for your husband to praise you. But only after this is it worth saying that, for example, Veronika Ivanovna cooks this dish much better. Or note that nothing compares to her cabbage rolls. Indeed, in this case, the mother-in-law will see that your husband is satisfied with your dish, it is quite tasty, but in no case are you trying to compete with her.
That is, you initially assert her advantage, and that she cooks much better than you. This is by no means true, but it will help improve your relationship with your mother-in-law. She must be sure that no one is competing with her or trying to push her into second place.

Scandal with my husband

I hate my mother-in-law: an Islamic point of view

Islam is quite categorical towards women, including in-laws. In this religion, a woman really must be quiet, calm, and obey all the wishes of her husband, as well as his relatives.

I hate my mother-in-law - relationship features:

Accordingly, the wife has no right to disobey her mother-in-law or father-in-law. As soon as a woman gets married, according to Islamic traditions, her father-in-law and mother-in-law replace her natural parents, and she must treat them in the same way as her own relatives.
They need to be respected and cared for. Of course, everything has its own measure, so no one demands to spend 24 hours a day with his mother-in-law and please her. After all, a woman in a family has a lot of responsibilities that concern her husband, as well as children.
In fact, a woman should try to communicate well with her mother-in-law. However, it very often happens that the mother-in-law herself does not want any close communication and considers the choice to be wrong. Often the mother-in-law wants more care and attention.
However, Islam precisely sets the rules, so no one requires a daughter-in-law to serve her father-in-law and mother-in-law. Yes, indeed, a woman should pay attention to them, and if they need help, then help them. However, she is not obliged to fulfill every whim.

A good relationship

Think about your mom

“I hate my mother-in-law and my husband, because he is so spineless, he doesn’t take my side, doesn’t protect me, I’m his family, me, not my mother.” Have you ever had such thoughts? Yes, you may have many objective reasons to be angry at the behavior of your spouse who does nothing in this direction. But imagine the other side of the conflict: the man you love constantly insults and humiliates your mother in your eyes, what does that feel like? You probably won’t like it either, and you won’t be able to restrain yourself from saying a few “kind” words to your spouse’s face. You will take mom's side, right? Then why should a husband behave any differently towards his mother?

I hate my mother-in-law and my husband for his support

The situation is much sadder if a man is on the side of his mother, and she turns him against his daughter-in-law.

Adviсe:

In this case, it is advisable for you to talk with your mother-in-law face to face and find out the reason for her dislike. Try to talk and explain to your mother-in-law that you are not trying to take her place and are not her competition. Even if you hear some reproaches and unpleasant words directed at you, try not to react, but to treat everything that happens as calmly as possible.
It is advisable, of course, to close your eyes and suppress aggression within yourself. Perhaps a good attitude towards your mother-in-law will correct her attitude towards you, and you will find a common language. However, if the situation continues for quite a long time, then often the woman cannot stand it and simply explodes. In this case, divorce is inevitable.
Many daughters-in-law try to turn their husbands against their mother-in-law. However, keep in mind that in most cases you will fail. This is due to the fact that the husband has one mother, and the wife can be changed. This is the principle by which most men live.
Indeed, no matter how much he loves his wife, he will never betray his mother. Accordingly, no one will withstand your quarrels with your mother-in-law for long. Therefore, if you want and are determined to live with your husband for a long time, you will have to build a relationship with his parents. No matter how terrible and disgusting your mother-in-law is, you still have to make peace with her and hide your hatred.
In most cases, during a quarrel with his mother-in-law, the husband assumes neutrality. And this is one of the favorable options, because some men really take the side of their mother. Almost none of the men takes the wife’s side. Keep this in mind and don't think you're special. Try to find a common language and improve relationships.

Bad relationship

How to communicate and get along with your mother-in-law, stop hating her: advice from a psychologist

To get along with your loved one’s mother, you should listen to the following advice from psychologists.

Let's try to understand

Psychologists recommend making an effort, trying to understand the mother of your loved one, no matter how difficult it may be. Then we will get to the bottom of the cause of the conflict and develop a realistic strategy for resolving it. Let's try to figure out what gave rise to hostility, let's evaluate the situation through the eyes of the husband's mother. Perhaps she is a very suspicious person, terribly afraid of old age and loneliness. When a daughter-in-law appears, the mind of the husband's mother is filled with fear that soon no one will need her. The woman develops hostile feelings towards the young woman. Also, the husband’s mother may be afraid: her daughter-in-law will make her beloved son unhappy.

We assess the situation realistically

Expectations create suffering, says the ancient Buddhist wisdom. Let's listen to her and try to look at things realistically. If the husband’s mother does not help much in raising the child, believing that this is primarily the responsibility of the parents, then there is no need to be angry with her. Yes, she poorly meets expectations, but resentment will only aggravate the situation. It will never be possible to remake an adult, fully formed person. Therefore, you need to “work with what you have.” Resist reality, assert: “I hate my mother-in-law, and that’s all!” - unreasonable. The psychologist's advice contains a recommendation not to view life through rose-colored glasses.

Let's learn to easily tolerate criticism

It's actually not that difficult to do. You just need to master a simple visualization technique. This is self-hypnosis using the power of your own imagination. We need to take a chair or bed, get comfortable, then imagine, for example, that all the criticism addressed to us is just a small harmless stream of water in the shower. Its drops flow down the shoulders and do no harm.

When independent attempts are unsuccessful, it is worth seeking advice from a practicing psychologist, for example, Nikita Valerievich Baturin.

In order to get along or at least not fight with the mother of our beloved husband, we will show wisdom and patience, and try to find reasonable compromises.

I hate my mother-in-law: causes of conflicts

Many women are outraged that mothers-in-law have a completely different attitude towards housekeeping and everyday life than modern youth. This is true, because times were different before, when there were not a large number of fast food restaurants, home delivery, and household appliances that help with cleaning and cooking.

Causes:

Accordingly, at that time women were accustomed to working more and devoting a lot of time to housework. That is why the different rhythm of life of the modern generation can really irritate and upset the mother-in-law. This is connected not only with the daughter-in-law specifically, but with the entire generation as a whole. Because girls aged 20-30 are accustomed to having washing machines, food processors, as well as ovens, bread makers, and microwaves.
Accordingly, it is much easier to prepare a very tasty dinner now than it was then. Therefore, mothers-in-law are perplexed why a woman prefers not to cook, but to feed her son with semi-finished products, or food ordered from a restaurant.
However, in the past, working conditions were slightly different than they are now. In most cases, everyone worked at state enterprises, where they understood the young parents, making various concessions. Previously, a woman could actually go on sick leave more often, because she had lawyers and a trade union behind her.
Now there are very few state-owned companies left. Therefore, many women work in private enterprises that value efficiency, consistency, and discipline. Accordingly, no one accepts early leaving work, being late, or frequent sick leave.
It is necessary to explain to your mother-in-law that in order to support your family you need to work, from morning to evening. This is why you cannot, because you are very tired, constantly pamper your spouse with home-cooked dinners.

A good relationship

Mistakes you shouldn't repeat

If you do not want to ruin your relationship with your son and want to establish a connection with your daughter-in-law, you should constantly monitor your words and actions and not allow yourself to do too much. Otherwise, it may happen that a conflict occurs not between spouses, but between you and your son. And then there will be a risk of completely losing access to your beloved child and grandchildren.

The most common mistakes include the following.

Criticism of daughter-in-law's appearance and housekeeping

The modern generation looks completely different from the previous ones. He dresses differently, combs his hair differently. You may not like your daughter-in-law's outfits, her shaved temples, piercings or tattoos. But it's your business and your choice. She has the right to look the way she wants. And apparently, it is precisely this appearance that attracts your son. Therefore, it is useless to roll your eyes every time at the sight of your daughter-in-law and say unpleasant things about her appearance, which does not correspond to your ideals.

The same applies to housekeeping. It may seem to the mother-in-law that the daughter-in-law is lazy and does nothing around the house. After all, at one time you were used to coming home from work and immediately getting up at the stove or doing the cleaning, without making any allowances for rest. But it’s time to accept the fact that progress does not stand still, and modern technology can easily do all your homework. A multicooker will cook food, a washing machine will do the laundry itself, and a robot vacuum cleaner will easily clean the apartment. And spouses would rather spend the time they find on each other or on their children.

And people today work much more than before, since modern demands are much higher. Therefore, they simply need to rest more often so as not to completely ruin their health. Because of this, there is no need to interfere with your son’s family and endlessly criticize his “lazy” wife. They themselves will figure out how to live and what things to put first. And if a girl does something differently than you, this certainly does not mean that her actions are wrong.

Negative comments about parenting

No mother likes it when someone from the outside criticizes her parenting methods. And even more so in the presence of children. Before you “pity” your grandchildren, remember yourself and the ways in which you raised your offspring. But don’t make things up and don’t pretend. Everything was flawed with you, too. Nevertheless, this did not prevent them from raising worthy members of society and respected citizens of the country. So why do you doubt that their children will become different thanks to “wrong” upbringing?

Instead of negative comments, offer your help. For example, to sit with the grandchildren so that the spouses can go somewhere to unwind and get distracted. But in their absence, you shouldn’t try to change the kids by pampering them, indulging them in everything, or, conversely, treating them too strictly. This way you will only do harm and risk being left without meetings and communication with your beloved grandchildren.

Comparison of daughter-in-law with son's ex-girlfriends

If you regularly compare your daughter-in-law with your son’s former lovers, this will sow even greater enmity between you. Even if you really liked your previous passion, keep your opinion to yourself. The guy made his choice and is clearly happy with it. Therefore, humble yourself and show maximum patience and respect. If you wish a good, harmonious life for your child, start building a normal relationship with your daughter-in-law, without provoking quarrels and scandals.

When a positive connection arises between you, then common interests will appear, the main one of which will be the desire to see the person you both love happy. Perhaps over time, your daughter-in-law will say: “If it weren’t for you, mom, we would never have been able to become such a wonderful, strong and friendly family.”

I hate my mother-in-law: how to get rid of hatred?

Until about 30 years ago, mothers-in-law and mothers ironed and washed bed linen. Now everything is somewhat different. Even things for newborn babies are now no longer boiled or ironed at high temperatures.

Adviсe:

This is due to the fact that modern washing machines have appeared that contain silver ions and disinfect clothes. There are also special modes for washing newborn clothes. That is why there is no need for boiling, soaking, and bleaching things. Even modern shirts, as well as trousers, do not need to be ironed.
If such a need really arises, then purchase things that are made of wrinkle-resistant fabric. Nowadays there is really a huge number of such things, and all of them are suitable for wearing in the office. This will greatly facilitate your household chores, and there will be no need to constantly smooth out the arrows. It would also be a good idea to purchase a drying machine, since things dry in it quite quickly and, most importantly, do not wrinkle.
Therefore, ironing clothes will be much easier. In order not to upset your mother-in-law, try to introduce her to the benefits of civilization, and show her that it is not necessary to do housekeeping in the old-fashioned ways. Modern appliances and devices make household chores easier. If your mother-in-law really doesn’t like the fact that you don’t cook enough for your son and he doesn’t eat well, then give yourself a few days a month in which you will prepare for a few days in advance.
What is meant? Buy meat, prepare minced meat from it, and then cutlets, and freeze them. This way, you will have ready-made semi-finished products that you can prepare very quickly. To carry out such preparation you will have to spend some time, but in this way all the food will be homemade and very tasty.

Scandal with her husband
If the daughter-in-law tries in every possible way to improve the relationship, and the mother-in-law considers her her enemy, it is unlikely that it will be possible to improve the relationship. Therefore, the main task is to explain to your mother-in-law that you are not going to compete with her and do not want to share anything. Because the son belongs to both of you and will devote time to both the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.