Interpersonal relationships in the family and their influence on the formation of children’s personality and behavior. article on the topic

A family is a unit of society that largely influences the development, formation and formation of each of its members. Children are raised within the family, adults acquire certain benefits and privileges that they can use. Relationships in the family can be child-parent, interpersonal and social in nature.

Many people seek help from a psychologist on the website psymedcare.ru due to family problems. It is the atmosphere within the family that influences how successful and organized a person will be in the world around him. If relationships with specific individuals do not develop within the family or the situation is fundamentally unfavorable, then each member of this “cell” becomes dysfunctional to one degree or another.

It is relatives, or rather those with whom the person lives, who have the greatest influence on a person. Be it parents, brothers and sisters, first of all, they form the personality, which will then go out into society and adapt to it. If everything in a family is healthy and harmonious, then each member of such a family is successful and happy. If there are problems in the family, then this affects absolutely all its members.

What are family relationships?

A family is a group of people who are legally or biologically related to each other. First, a family is formed by marriage between spouses. These people are not blood relatives, but from the moment of marriage they become the closest to each other. Then the spouses have children - these family members are blood relatives among themselves and in relation to their parents. Even if the parents divorce, the children will still remain brothers and sisters and children to their parents.

Depending on what a man and a woman understand by the word “upbringing” and what goals they set in the process of raising their children, one or another family model is formed. There are 4 main models:

1. Diktat is based on the desire of parents to dominate other family members. This happens through orders, threats, pressure and even violence. The more a child resists the parent’s word, the more adults begin to put pressure on him. Here self-esteem and initiative are suppressed by those who are suppressed. The child begins to use his own countermeasures: deceive, openly hate, be rude, etc. The greater his resistance, the more violent the parents’ measures become.
2. Guardianship is manifested in the desire of parents to protect children from any difficulties in life. The child does not need to do anything; the parents will do everything for him. This makes him maladjusted, weak and infantile.
3. Non-intervention is often based on emotional coldness and indifference of parents towards their children. They are not educators, but simply coexist together. It is in such a family that everyone lives on their own, independently of others.
4. Cooperation arises from the desire of parents to work together towards common goals and solve family problems. Here the child is taught to work in a team, where all opinions become important, and not just his one. This is how the child’s self-centeredness is destroyed.

What do parents value in a child, what qualities do they want to see in him? This shapes the parenting style they adhere to:

1. The democratic style is based on the desire to foster independence and responsibility in the child. The son and daughter have the right to their opinion, to be independent and decisive, while they are required to fulfill their duties and be disciplined.
2. The authoritarian style is the desire to completely subordinate and control the life of your child. His opinion is not taken into account, especially if it does not agree with the parent's. Adults do not consider it necessary to explain to the child the motives for their prohibitions and instructions. Here children grow up withdrawn, distrustful, and closed.
3. The permissive style is when parents show complete indifference to raising a child. What he does, what he is interested in, what qualities he cultivates in himself, affects the emotional coldness of the child in the future.

Communication and interaction in the family

Life in a family is impossible without communication within it, communication between husband and wife, between parents and children in the process of everyday relationships. Communication in a family is the attitude of family members to each other and their interaction, the exchange of information between them, their spiritual contact. The range of communication in a family can be very diverse. In addition to conversations about work, household, health, the lives of friends and acquaintances, it includes discussions of issues related to raising children, art, politics, and so on.

The degree of satisfaction of spouses with their family life depends on interaction in the family. The process of communication and interaction depends on the degree of compatibility of their views and values. There is no doubt that nervousness, instability, isolation and other negative character traits are bad companions for family interaction.

Sociological studies show that with normal relationships in the family, spouses usually always share their grief with each other and receive moral and psychological support, which cannot be said about dysfunctional families.

However, there is no ideal communication in a family, i.e. communication consisting only of agreement. Marital relationships inevitably go through contradictions: quarrels, conflicts, and so on.

In these cases, it is very important for spouses to understand each other’s position and put themselves in each other’s shoes.

In family communication, moral principles are very important, the main one of which is respect for the other, his “I”. In many families, after a hard day at work, spouses try to take out their bad mood and accumulated fatigue on family members. They begin to grumble, reproach, make comments, and shout. As a result of such a discharge, a person may receive temporary relief, although the consequences may be severe. Some begin to be tormented by remorse for their own wrongness and intemperance, others - resentment for unfair accusations and reproaches. As a result, all this contributes to the destruction of the family.

The lack of adequate interaction and communication often leads to the fact that the relationship between husband and wife may not work out, which leads to negative consequences. Psychologists have found that there is a connection between marital conflicts and neuropsychiatric disorders. Lack of mutual understanding in the family leads to depression, alienation, deterioration of psychological and physical condition, and a significant decrease in a person’s performance.

Let's consider the main components of communication culture. These include empathy, tolerance, compliance, benevolence

. A special ability to communicate is the ability to recognize the value of another, even when positions differ. Only in this way can harmony be achieved in family life.

In a family, in addition to adults, children also need full communication. Communication is one of the main factors in the formation of a child’s personality. The need for communication appears in a baby from birth. Already at the age of 2 months, when he sees his mother, his face lights up with a smile.

Communication between parents and children is of great importance for their full development. It has been proven that children deprived of the opportunity to communicate with their parents are characterized by a low level of self-regulation of behavior, have increased sensitivity to an adult’s address to them, and experience difficulties in communicating with peers.

In many families, the majority of children communicate more often with their mother than with their father. Conversations with the father are short-term. Some children do not have a trusting relationship with either their father or their mother. Most often this happens in families where close spiritual contacts have not been established as between spouses. The nature of their relationship is often transferred to children. In such families, the main thing is the will of one of the spouses, and relationships with other family members are based on orders, submission, and insults. This has a negative impact on the development of children's ability to communicate fully.

Thus, parents bear the responsibility for instilling in their children the ability for human communication, because It is in the family that children learn the nature of communication. In addition, the moral and psychological well-being of all family members largely depends on the spouses’ ability to communicate.

What qualities are formed in a child?

1. Low self-esteem is often fostered in children raised by authoritarian parents who only criticized and never praised. Setting high goals that a child cannot achieve makes him constantly dissatisfied with himself.
2. Self-doubt and high anxiety manifest themselves in children who were raised by constantly dissatisfied parents. Their activity, initiative, and desires were constantly belittled, which forced the children to abandon them.
3. Demonstrative behavior often manifests itself in children who do not receive proper attention and love from their parents.
4. Departure from reality is observed in children who needed attention and love from their parents, but were concerned that their demonstrativeness would cause disapproval, criticism, and censure. They need attention, but are afraid of causing negativity by the methods they begin to use.

A child grows up in a family, and accordingly, what he becomes depends on the measures taken by adults. Parents usually “mutilate” their children by not cultivating in them qualities useful for adult life. This makes you question the usefulness of those measures that have already been used by other mothers and fathers and did not produce positive results.

Thus, the following types of families are distinguished:

1. Affiliate – here the partners are equal and everything they have is common. They do not divide into “mine” and “yours”; they teach their children the same.
2. Patriarchal - where the head is the father (husband) and everyone obeys him, including the mother.
3. Matriarchal - in such a family the woman dominates. This often happens in a family where there is no husband, or when the wife makes the husband the head, but he is completely subordinate to her will and opinion.
4. Modern - where spouses may not have common interests and communities, but they live together, each minding their own business. They base their union on the intimate sphere. If parents become dependent on their children, this makes it difficult for the new generation to adjust to life. After all, if parents provide for their children and do everything for them, the new generation learns nothing and does not become independent.

Attitude towards family and parents

For every child, family is the most important thing. Absolutely all children love their parents, no matter what they are. However, disagreements and quarrels between fathers and children are not uncommon.

In order to maintain relationships and not lose children's love for themselves, parents need to be able to identify the causes of conflicts. And they often lie in the fact that each family member has his own views, desires and aspirations in life. This does not mean that you need to break them or convince them. This means that you need to accept another family member as different from you.

Social relations in the family

The family is the unit of society where all important needs and desires must be satisfied. Each person grows up in a family and creates his own family. Therefore, the family is an important group in the life of every person.

Depending on the form of family construction, the following types are distinguished:

1. Monogamous family - where there is only one husband and wife.
2. Polygamous family - where one man has several wives or a wife has several husbands. These types of families are allowed in some countries.
3. Nuclear marriages – where the family consists of parents and children.

Relationships between parents and children - structure

To create this type of relationship, the participation of both parties is necessary. The first step in establishing contact with the child should be taken by the parents, but it is also important that the baby is also involved in the process, since a kind of “feedback” is needed from him so that the parents can see that everything is being done correctly.

Sometimes a child may withdraw from the family. This is usually influenced by his temperament and formed character.

It is worth understanding that children are helpless, and therefore they are incapable of full communication and explanation of their desires. The task of parents is quite simple - until the child grows up, they must instill in him the main thing - the desire for social contacts, so that the child can become a full-fledged part of society. It is important to do this before approximately 12 months. Otherwise, there are chances of improper mental development.

Child-parent relationships are usually characterized by a dual nature. Parents must take care of the child, but at the same time they are obliged to teach him to independently satisfy his needs.

Family interaction must constantly evolve, changing depending on:

• age;
• type of psyche;
• other characteristics of the child's character.

The result of this usually becomes the inevitable separation of the child from his parents, as he acquires complete independence. Relationships with parents also change, but they usually depend on the chosen method of upbringing. It’s worth knowing here that a child who is “comfortable” now is almost guaranteed to grow up to be “comfortable” for other people. This will make him vulnerable to various religious sects, criminal structures and other organizations where only absolute obedience is required and nothing more.

Child-parent relationships in the family

Child-parent relationships occupy the greatest interest in the family sphere. Parents treat their children differently, which is why certain personalities grow up. The main components of a prosperous family are love and freedom of choice. Children need to feel that they are loved. At the same time, parents must pass on freedom of choice to their children every year so that they can become independent and independent from them.

If in a family the parents overprotect the child, they make him dependent on themselves. A child, even at 30 years old, will not be able to heat up scrambled eggs or make tea, which will allow parents to always take care of and educate him.

In a family where there is no love for children, future criminals often grow up. Such children develop anger and aggression towards the whole world inside them.

If parents in a family do not love and give complete freedom to children (since they, in principle, do not need or are interested in them), children grow up independent, but are most susceptible to physical injury. Often such children die. However, if the child survives, he can become a successful and independent person.

The family (parents) is engaged in raising children. The way children grow up is the absolute merit of their parents.

Parent-child counseling is associated with parents' concerns about the psychological development of their children. They want to know whether the child is healthy, whether they are raising him correctly, and to get advice from a psychologist on this issue. The goal of the psychologist is to determine the psychodiagnostics of the child’s development and direct parents to an independent and responsible search for ways to communicate with him. A visit to a psychologist is often associated with the fact that a child is experiencing a natural age-related crisis, and parents are trying to “return” him to his “happy past”:

• Why is a 3-year-old baby so active and naughty?
• What to do if a 5-year-old child spies on his mother in the bathroom?
• Why does a 7 year old act like a monkey?
• A 10-year-old kid stole money from his own grandmother and spent it on chewing gum!
• A 13-year-old teenager does not leave the mirror...
• He is already in 11th grade, and all he cares about is computer games!

During parent-child counseling, parents should be asked whether the child’s development corresponded to age standards. This information will help both the psychologist and parents understand whether we are talking about the characteristics of the child’s character and his upbringing or whether he should seek medical help.

More often than not, one of the family members turns to a psychologist for help with a complaint about the “incomprehensible” behavior of the mother and the child. If a woman is left alone with the baby around the clock, without time to sleep, relax, or communicate with adults, then increased anxiety or increased indifference to the child may occur. The mother begins to worry whether the child is seriously ill, whether he is breathing or even alive... This anxiety can paradoxically be transferred to others: the young mother begins to avoid communicating with friends so as not to get an infection. Thanks to this behavior, overwork and anxiety increase more and more until the situation becomes critical. During psychological counseling, the family’s efforts should be aimed at removing responsibilities from the young mother, creating conditions for her to get at least 8 hours of sleep and 1-2 hours of rest without the child. Then the manifestations of anxiety will begin to disappear, and the mother will be able to pay due attention to communication with the child.

Given other character traits, a mother who feels overtired and defenseless tries to emotionally “limit herself” from the child. She takes care of the baby, does not speak to him in “baby language”, tries to feed him with a bottle, without holding him in her arms... You should also remove responsibilities from the woman and gradually teach her how to communicate with a small child, rejoicing at any attempts at emotional interaction. Over time, the child will begin to grin, rejoice and contribute to the mother's emotional communication.

The development of thinking also leads to the development of the volitional sphere of the child’s personality and independence. These manifestations frighten parents because they believe that the child is becoming uncontrollable and stubborn. Parents try to limit the child’s independent manifestations, worrying about his protection, and the child tries to gain personal space for independent living. To allow a child to grow freely, while being safe, all adults who communicate with him (mom, dad, grandparents, aunts) must draw up a table, agreeing on their own positions. The table consists of three columns: 1 – a child can do it himself, 2 – he can do it himself, but next to an adult, 3 – it’s not possible!

However, the desire to do something new arises in the child every day. For many parents, the problem arises of switching the activity of a 3-4 year old child in the appropriate direction.

Parents of children of senior preschool age are sometimes prompted to contact a psychologist by several topics:

• “Why doesn’t he want to read or write?”
• “Why did he become so fearful?”
• "Why is he so aggressive?"

Features of interpersonal communication in the family.

Communication disorders

Interpersonal communication in the family meets the tasks of exchanging information, coordinating efforts and fulfilling roles in joint activities, establishing and developing interpersonal relationships, knowing the partner and self-knowledge [Andreeva, 1980; Lisina, 1986; Petrovskaya, 1987]. A feature of interpersonal communication in the family is the high emotional richness and intensity of communication.

Structure of a communicative act

includes the following links:

•the emergence of needs and motives for communication;

• determination of communication tasks (informational and cognitive, tasks of influencing the behavior and activities of a partner, confirming or changing the nature of interpersonal relationships, providing feedback to a partner about his personal characteristics and his attitude towards him, receiving feedback from a partner about himself and his attitude to yourself); .

•transfer of information, including the choice of specific content (what I want to say) and the choice of encoding method (how I want to say it) taking into account the objectives of communication;

•receiving information by a partner, including the processes of decoding content, reconstructing the intentions and motives of a communication partner;

•analysis of the information received and making a decision on the content of the response act of communication;

•transfer of information, including the choice of specific content (what I want to say) and the choice of encoding method (how I want to say it) taking into account the objectives of communication, etc.

The process of interpersonal communication is mediated by a system of images that perform an important regulatory and orienting function. This system includes the images: “I”, “Another through my eyes”, “I through the eyes of another”, “Our relationship”, “Our relationship for another” and “Our relationship for me through the eyes of another”. The emotional intensity of these images leads to overload of the communication channel and an increase in the likelihood of violations of interpersonal communication in the event of distortion or insufficient adequacy of at least one of them.

In the works of L.A. Petrovskaya, G.M. Andreeva, E.G. Eidemiller, K. Watzlawick, V. Satir, K. Rogers, T. Gordon identified the conditions for effective

94 Chapter 2. Basic characteristics of the family. Marital relations

home-interpersonal communication in the family,

including both general principles for organizing successful communication and specific norms and rules established in relation to the family:

•openness of communication;

• high level of communication activity, ensuring intensive discussion of problems that are significant for family members. The rules of family life should provide for special time and the creation of rituals for the possibility of such a discussion - evening tea together, conversation with children before bed, etc.;

• the necessary degree of self-disclosure in the process of communication, congruence of communication;

•consistency of ideas about the family structure, commonality of family values, adequacy of family identity, coordinated integrity of the “We” system;

•accuracy of non-verbal communication, consistency of verbal and non-verbal messages;

sensitivity to your partner’s statements, use of active listening techniques (“You-messages”) with feedback;

•non-judgmental and empathic acceptance of a partner as a condition for the positive development of emotional relationships in the family, creating an atmosphere of psychological safety and harmonization of the partner’s self-image;

• manifestation of love, mutual empathy and support, respect for a partner, which is especially important in crisis periods of the family life cycle and when stressful, frustrating and problematic situations arise;

•formation of a family language—certain, agreed upon and easily recognizable family symbols, traditions, and norms. The family dictionary includes special names, nicknames, symbols of significant events (anniversaries of acquaintance, first date, explanations, etc.), jokes, witticisms, teases, “gags,” family stories. There is a consistent language of glances, facial expressions, gestures, and poses. Family heirlooms - objects associated with certain “significant” events of the family - also perform an important function of stabilizing family communication, interaction and the formation of family identity, which sets the normative nature of family life.

Interpersonal communication disorders are one of the most pressing problems in family functioning. types of interpersonal communication disorders can be distinguished:

in the family: 1) inconsistency of verbal and nonverbal communication; 2) the emergence of communication barriers; 3) manipulation of a partner in the process of communication, abuse of communication control (E. Bern); 4) disruption and distortion of the transmission of feelings (V. Satir); 5) “rejected” communication; 6) paradoxical communication; 7) “disguised” communication - hoax (R. Lang); struggle for a communication channel.

§ 9. Features of interpersonal communication in the family. Communication disorders 95

Difficulties in communication often arise due to the low communicative competence of spouses and their use of statements such as communication barriers that impede the process of effective communication. Types of ineffective statements include: orders, direct instructions; warnings, threats; notations, moralizing; advice and explanations; logical argumentation; direct negative assessment; ridicule, labeling; praise; interpretation of behavior, diagnosis; investigation, interrogation; consolation, calming; distraction, avoidance of the problem [Gordon, 1997]. The reasons for the disruption of interpersonal communication in the family are also the overload of the information channel and the requirement to take into account the system of mediating images, the inadequacy of the mediating images themselves, and the personal characteristics of the spouses.

If communication difficulties become chronic, a so-called “communication problem” arises [Eidemiller, Justitskis, 1999], associated with the urgent need of one of the family members for help or assistance from a partner and the inadequacy of the method of transmitting information. E.G. Eidemiller identifies three stages in the development of a communication problem: information-deficient, the stage of substitutive-distorted communication and behavioral-communication. In marital relationships, information is often scarce, i.e. information that is difficult to convey is a request for confirmation of love, an appeal for emotional support and empathy. For example, a husband feels the need to express love and support from his wife, but making such a request is not consistent with his ideas about masculinity and about himself as a strong personality. At the first, information-deficient stage, real communication is replaced by imaginary, partly non-verbal - the husband’s behavior consists of silence, a “drilling” and pleading look after his leaving wife, mental appeals. At the next stage, information is replaced and distorted, since the spouse’s direct expression of his needs is dissonant with his expectations and the prescribed scenario of role behavior (“when to be strong, but you want to be weak...”). For example, a husband, instead of

in order to say: “Stay with me, I miss your attention, and in

in general, I’m tired today and feel pathetic,” says: “Somehow I don’t feel well...” The wife, dropping everything, rushes to the pharmacy and, returning, finds her “seriously ill” husband, who was almost dying half an hour ago, collapsed in chair in front of the TV. Scandal. Finally, at the behavioral stage, manipulation of the partner begins in order to force him to do what the carrier of “deficient information” wants. In our case, the husband uses any means to force his wife to spend all the time at home next to him (reproaches, using the opinions of relatives for pressure, etc.). Relationships deteriorate catastrophically -

96 Chapter 2. Basic characteristics of the family. Marital relations

There is a loss of mutual trust and an escalation of the conflict. The original need is never satisfied, moreover, there is almost no chance left for emotional support and mutual understanding.

“Rejected” communication is a one-way process in which one of the partners, in fact, takes a position of isolation and silent refusal to communicate. Outwardly, such communication acts as a monologue instead of a dialogue; there is no eye contact in the partners’ communication. A brilliant illustration of rejected communication can be the picture of a joint dinner depicted in V. Van Gogh’s painting “The Potato Eaters.” Evening, the peasants gathered at the table for a meager dinner. It would seem that a joint meal unites, the eaters seem to look at each other, but a continuation of the line of sight easily reveals that in fact neither

none of them looks at the dinner companion, the gaze of each of them is directed into nowhere - communication is broken!

Paradoxical communication is the simultaneous transmission of two mutually exclusive messages over a communication channel, each of which must be perceived by the partner as true.

[Eidemiller, Justitskis, 1999]. The contradictory message is further reinforced by a ban on noticing or commenting on it. For example, a husband, returning home, finds his wife in tears and alarmedly asks:

"What's happened?". The answer follows with tears in his eyes: “Everything is fine, I’m fine!”

“Disguised” communication, or mystification, is often used by spouses in conditions of current or chronic family conflict and represents masking and glossing over contradictions and conflicts in relationships in order to maintain the status quo and not objectify the conflict situation. The hoax consists in the fact that one family member rejects an adequate interpretation of the family situation, his feelings and experiences, offered by his partner.

The struggle for the communication channel appears as an attempt by one of the family members to establish unconditional dominance and supremacy over the partner in the form of a desire to retain the “last word”, assert primacy and create the feeling that he has the right to resolve all family problems independently from their rank. At the heart of such a violation of interpersonal communication is the unresolved problem of leadership in the family.

Interpersonal communication in a family is a key moment in its life, determining the effectiveness of its functioning and resources for growth and development. The most promising direction of working with a disharmonious family is the optimization of intrafamily communication.

The family information space is heterogeneous both in terms of its content and openness to all family members. "Family Secrets", or "skeletons in the closet", includes information about criminal

§ 9. Features of interpersonal communication in the family. Communication disorders 97

and ethically abnormal actions of family members, “unnatural” deaths, tragic events, mental illness and other “shameful” illnesses; adultery; some motives and circumstances of marriage; conflicts between spouses, acts of domestic violence, etc. Access to such family information is most limited for children. Information about many events of family life and history turns out to be closed or taboo for them until they reach a certain age. For example, the intimate life of parents and events that could damage the reputation of parents and other family members are prohibited [Razumova, 2001].

The distribution of roles and the nature of communication determine the forms of interaction and cooperation in the family. NE. Kovalev [1987, 1988] offers the following classification of types of interaction in the family:

•cooperation—flexible distribution of roles depending on the stage of the family life cycle, specific situation, and individual characteristics of family members; mutual support and assistance, high level of empathy, willingness to work together

resolve conflicts

•parity relations - an alliance based on mutual benefit and equal rights of partners. Compared to cooperation, parity relations are characterized by a lower degree of empathy and mutual assistance. When resolving conflict situations, each partner strives for personal gain, ignoring the interests of the family as a whole. At the same time, there is a willingness to seek a compromise solution, an understanding of the benefits of cooperation with a partner;

•competition - a clearly expressed desire for primacy against the background of maintaining goodwill towards the partner. The family combines, on the one hand, cooperation based on solving common problems, interests, emotional support, empathy, and on the other hand, the desire to assert one’s superiority in something - in professional activity, career, claims for love and respect. children. However, self-affirmation is carried out not by humiliating the partner, but by achieving real superiority;

• competition - the desire to bypass and “suppress” a partner by any means. Superiority over him is seen as the only option for self-affirmation. The relationship between spouses is colored by envy, jealousy of each other’s successes, bitterness in the struggle for leadership and sole supremacy. However, even with pronounced competition, centripetal forces ensure the preservation of the family due to common tasks, interests and emotional attachment;

•antagonism—dysfunctionality and disharmony of the family, incompatibility, conflicting interests of its members, chronic all-encompassing conflict turning into a crisis, distortion or loss of emotional attachment. As a rule, antagonism between the interests and relationships of spouses leads to family breakdown.

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98 Chapter 2. Basic characteristics of the family. Marital relations

T.M. Mishina [1987] complements the above classification, highlighting such types of ambivalent marital relationships that characterize a dysfunctional family as competition, pseudo-cooperation and isolation. Rivalry is characterized by frequent open clashes between spouses, due to the inconsistency of family roles and the low level of efficiency of family functioning; The relationship between the spouses is ambivalent, hostility coexists with goodwill. Pseudo-cooperation between spouses looks like a completely prosperous relationship; caring for the partner is often presented in an exaggerated version. However, there is no real help and emotional mutual support in such a family. Isolation presupposes distant relationships between spouses, in which external coordination of actions is combined with emotional disunity.

Conflicts in the family

In the course of its life, any family encounters problematic situations, the resolution of which is carried out in conditions of contradictory individual needs, motives and interests of its members. Conflict is defined as a collision of opposing goals, interests, positions, and opinions of the subjects of interaction.

L.A. Petrovskaya [1982] identified the following categorical bases for conflict analysis: structure, dynamics, functions, typology. The structure of the conflict is characterized by a conflict situation (participants and the object of the conflict) and an incident (an open clash between the parties to the conflict). In the dynamics of a conflict, the following stages are distinguished: the emergence of an objective pre-conflict situation; awareness of this situation as a conflict; incident; resolution (end of the conflict); post-conflict situation [Antsupov, Shipilov, 1992]. We can talk about the positive (constructive) and negative (destructive) functions of conflict. The constructive function consists of objectifying the source of disagreements and contradictions and creating conditions for eliminating conflict, preventing stagnation of relations, stimulating the development of relations and their optimization [Dontsov, Polozova, 1980].

In modern psychology, it is generally accepted that it is important not so much to be able to prevent conflicts as to effectively resolve them. Avoiding conflict does not eliminate the problem of contradictions in the family, but only aggravates it, maintaining the deprivation of significant needs of family members. Conflict can be constructive and destructive, increase the degree of cohesion, value-semantic unity and efficiency of family functioning, or, on the contrary, increase its dysfunctionality [Petrovskaya, 1982].

§ 10. Conflicts in the family 99

Constructive conflict is characterized by the following features:

• the problem is resolved on the basis of integration, compromise and taking into account the interests of all family members;

as a result, relationships between spouses are strengthened, mutual understanding improves and the ability to effectively resolve conflicts increases, the level of conflict in the family as a whole decreases;

• after this, the emotional climate in the family as a whole and the emotional status of each family member improves: anxieties, fears, and tension disappear.

Destructive conflict, in contrast to constructive conflict, is characterized by the fact that:

•the problem is not solved - either one participant in the conflict completely subordinates the other, forcefully imposes its own version of solving the problem, or it is solved formally, or there is an avoidance of the problem - the conflict is interrupted (an imaginary truce) (SV. Kovalev);

• the contradiction of needs and interests remains, the needs of the family member who emerged from the conflict “defeated” remain unsatisfied;

•as a result, emotional alienation, distancing, feelings of loneliness, anxiety, hopelessness arise (when conflicts accumulate); Once chronic, this situation can lead to neuroticism and depression.

Thus, a constructive conflict is a conflict where “there are no losers and no winners”, where both sides win, and a destructive conflict is “the imposition of the winner’s will on the loser” [Gordon, 1997].

Depending on the dynamics

distinguish between actual conflicts, i.e. currently being implemented and directly related to a specific problem, and progressing, in which the scale and intensity of the confrontation between the participants is increasingly increasing. There are also habitual conflicts that arise for any reason and are characterized by emotional fatigue of partners who do not make real efforts to resolve them. Behind habitual conflicts, as a rule, deep-seated contradictions are hidden, suppressed and repressed from consciousness.

By severity

conflicts can be open, clearly manifested in behavior, and implicit, hidden. The latter pose a particular danger, as they lead to a communication problem when the true cause of the conflict is not the subject of discussion and is often not even realized.

The origin of a conflict is based on the reasons that determine its zone [Petrovskaya, 1982; Sysenko, 1989; Eidemiller, Justitskis, 1999; Kovalev, 1987]:

100 Chapter 2. Basic characteristics of the family. Marital relations

• inadequate motivation for marriage, when the motives for marriage lie outside the scope of the family and marriage union;

•violation of the family role structure due to inconsistency

the ideas of its members about the family structure, family values; differences in ideas about marital roles, role expectations; role conflict and role overload (for example, a woman’s difficulty in combining career goals, the tasks of raising children and the functions of a “housewife”); incompetence in fulfilling the role and, therefore, insufficient satisfaction of the needs of family members;

unresolved problem of family leadership in the form of struggle for it by both spouses, the existence of unrecognized leadership and leadership

outside the nuclear family; implementation of an authoritarian-directive leadership style in the form of forceful dominance; ineffective leadership and family management;

•inconsistency and contradictory ideas about values, goals and methods of raising children;

•disharmony of sexual relations, which in a significant number of cases is based on deeper reasons associated with violations and distortions of the feeling of love;

•violations and distortions of the feeling of love; experiencing his loss; absence or deficit of emotional support and mutual understanding;

•limitation of opportunities for personal growth, including problems of professional growth and self-realization of each family member; low degree of confirmation of self-worth within the family system, infringement of personal dignity, insufficient respect by partners for each other;

•complications of interpersonal communication due to low communicative competence and violations of social perception, inadequacy of the image of the partner and the nature of the relationship with him;

•low level of material well-being; cramped living conditions; ineffective budget planning and execution; financial disagreements related to the exaggerated material needs of one of the family members, with the issue of the contribution of each spouse to the family budget;

•low level of cooperation, mutual assistance and mutual support in solving household problems of the family, division of household labor, caring for children and the elderly;

• ineffective system of relations between the nuclear family and the extended family due to excessive blurring or rigidity of boundaries; the inability of the nuclear family to flexibly reconstruct the boundaries of the family system, especially at the transitional stages of its life cycle;

•ineffective system of interaction between the parent and child subsystems, excessive rigidity of their boundaries;

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• jealousy, adultery;

•deviant behavior of one of the family members (alcoholism, aggression and violence, use of psychoactive substances, addiction to gambling, etc.);

• inconsistency of marital ideas about the optimal mode of leisure time, rest, the nature of relationships and communication with friends.

These reasons identify areas of conflict that can be correlated with the basic functions of the family.

In the study by M.A. Wisman, A.E. Dixon and B. Johnson [1997] analyzed the experiences of family therapists working with spouses. The criteria for the analysis were the frequency of problem situations, the difficulties of treating this problem and the degree of destructive influence of the unresolved problem on the family. The most common problems in marital relationships over the past ten years were communication disorders (87%), struggle for power and dominance (62%), unrealistic expectations for the family and spouse (50%), sexual problems (47%), inability to effectively resolve family conflicts (47%), dissatisfaction with the expression of love and affection by the spouse (45%), financial issues (43%), loss of feelings of love (40%), different views on raising children (38%), serious personal problems of one of the spouses (38%), conflict of values ​​(35%), role conflict (32%). The most difficult to treat were the loss of feelings of love, alcoholism, the struggle for power and dominance, personal problems, physical violence and aggression, and communication disorders. According to the interviewed psychotherapists, the most destructive and destructive effects on marital relationships were physical violence and aggression, alcoholism, loss of love, incest, communication disorders and the struggle for power and dominance. A comparative analysis showed that the most destructive types of family destruction are also the most resistant to therapy, i.e. the therapeutic effect is achieved here with the greatest difficulty. Generalization of the data obtained made it possible to rank family problems taking into account all three selected indicators - frequency of calls, difficulties of therapeutic intervention and destructive effect. As a result, the most problematic areas of family relationships were recognized as the loss of feelings of love, the struggle for power and dominance, interpersonal communication, unrealistic expectations for the family and spouse, alcoholism, physical violence and aggression.

In the work of V.P. Levkovich and O.E. Zuskova [1985], dedicated to marital conflicts, studied objectively prosperous families, i.e. families with good material and living conditions, in which there was no alcoholism, immoral behavior of spouses, or infidelity. It turned out that the most common cause of conflict in such families was a violation of the culture of communication, non-compliance by spouses with the norms of everyday life,

102 Chapter 2. Basic characteristics Marital relations

ethical standards of communication and interaction. In second place, the authors put the low level of satisfaction of the spouses’ needs for the protection of the self-concept, infringement of personal dignity, lack of respect, and diminishment of the value of the self. Third place was shared by two areas of marital relationships - role interaction and awareness of various aspects of the partner’s life and the world of his inner experiences. Conflicts in this case arose due to inconsistency of role expectations and dissatisfaction with the role behavior of the partner, unresolved problems of leadership and supremacy, as well as due to a lack of closeness, trust and mutual understanding between spouses.

Depending on the frequency, depth and nature of the severity of conflicts, crisis, conflict, problematic and neurotic families are distinguished. In a family in crisis, the conflicting interests and needs of the spouses cover all important areas of the family’s life; the partners show hostility and lack of a constructive approach to conflict resolution. A family in conflict is characterized by constant clashes of interests, but the efforts of the partners are aimed at finding a way to resolve conflicts. A problematic family is characterized by a long-term persistence of a situation of deprivation of the needs of family members, which is reflected in a high readiness for conflicts and aggravation of relations between spouses. A high level of family anxiety, emotional tension and lability, and frustration among family members characterize a neurotic family.

Characteristics of a family conflict include the initiator (potential initiator) of the conflict, the participants in the conflict, the composition of which may extend beyond the boundaries of the nuclear family, the method of resolving (processing) the conflict, the dynamics of its course and results.

The behavior of the parties to the conflict is very diverse. J. G. Scott

[1991] identifies the following strategies that differ in the degree of effectiveness of conflict resolution: dominance; withdrawal, avoidance; compliance; compromise; cooperation. Domination as a strategy of focusing only on one’s own interests while completely ignoring the interests of the partner is initially doomed to failure, since neglecting the interests of the partner in the family aggravates its dysfunctionality. Withdrawal and avoidance as a renunciation of one’s interests, combined with an unwillingness to meet the interests of a partner, lead to a delayed conflict and its transformation into a chronic one. Compliance as a renunciation of one’s interests and a willingness to meet a partner halfway leads to chronic frustration of one of the partners, asymmetry of relationships, an imbalance in the distribution of rights, responsibility, power, and a decrease in the stability and stability of family functioning. A fairly effective way to resolve conflicts is a compromise between its participants, focused on finding a mutually acceptable solution.

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problems through mutual concessions. Cooperation as a search for a solution that best suits the interests of both partners not only allows one to successfully overcome contradictions, but also contributes to the personal growth of the parties to the conflict, increases the overall level of their communicative competence, opening up a fundamentally new way of interaction in a conflict situation.

The problem of the content and dynamics of conflict processing in the family received detailed and in-depth coverage in the concept of positive family psychotherapy by N. Pezeshkian [1993]. He identifies four main forms of conflict processing: bodily - through sensation and perception; activity - through reason and activity; social and communicative - through contacts, the use of traditions; and communication - through imagination and intuition. Effective processing of conflict is ensured by the unity and coordinated interaction of all four forms. The body gives a true reflection of the situation; social contacts and traditions - the opportunity to take advantage of the wisdom of parents and the experience of previous generations; imagination and intuition help predict the future and find solutions; reason and activity make it possible to bring this decision to life. When one of the forms dominates—the physical, the active, the sphere of imagination, or the social—there inevitably arises limited possibilities for resolving the conflict and, as a consequence, the ineffectiveness of the result.

In the case of predominant processing of the conflict through only one of the “channels,” dysfunctional disorders arise that reveal themselves in certain symptoms. When bodily reactions dominate, sleep disorders (insomnia or increased sleepiness), eating disorders (anorexia or bulimia - incontinence in food, gluttony), sexual disorders (don Juanism-type incontinence, nymphomania, or, on the contrary, aversion to sex) are observed. ), as well as various psychosomatic disorders.

If the active method of transforming a conflict situation is inadequately prevalent, options for avoiding the real problem are observed. In one case, withdrawal is manifested in the phenomenon of flight to work, professional or some other substitute activity - hobbies, hobbies - in the other, on the contrary, passivity, apathy, refusal of activity or its disorganization are revealed. Symptoms of the predominance of this form of conflict processing are focus on achievement, results (excellent student syndrome), fear of success and fear of failure, and problems of self-esteem.

If the socio-communicative form of conflict processing predominates, then two opposite maladaptive strategies of behavior can also be observed. The first comes down to social hyperactivity, an escape into communication from real problem solving. This strategy is manifested in the desire for excessively close intensive communication, in emotional

104 Chapter 2. Basic characteristics of the family. Marital relations

national dependence on the group, unconscious desire to fulfill the unsatisfied need for affection, high social anxiety. In essence, this is superficial pseudo-communication, fraught with the danger of uncritical use of traditional stereotypes of conflict resolution as applied to one’s own situation. The second strategy is isolation and avoidance of contacts, withdrawal from communication and, as a result, depriving oneself of the opportunity to receive social support. Manifestations of this strategy are fear of contacts, autistic tendencies, and prejudices.

Processing a conflict through imagination, myth-making, art, and fantasy can be a very effective method, since it is based on a creative approach to conflict resolution and expands the possibilities of a rational field of solutions. However, imagination, divorced from reason, activity, traditions, physicality, takes a person into the world of dreams and illusory resolution of the problem, which often only entails worsening the conflict.

N. Pezeshkian distinguishes two types of conflict - basic and actual. Actual is characterized by the actual structure of relations, but its genesis and development are determined by the basic conflict. To understand the origin and true causes of the current conflict, you need to turn to the analysis of how relationships were built in the parental family of each spouse. The basic conflict, the bearer of which is a person, is, as it were, a crystallization of the history of the family. The birth experience is actualized by a person in his own family and gives rise to actual conflict. The formative structures of the basic conflict are the relationship of the individual with parents and siblings; relationships between parents, representing examples of marital partnership; relationships between parents and the social environment, which provide models of interpersonal interaction on the basis of which similar relationships are built in one’s own family; parents’ worldview, their life philosophy and attitude to religion, which influence the personal choice of ideology, religion, life philosophy, general worldview, which determines family values ​​and goals; distribution of roles in the family and family structure. The path to resolving an actual conflict in psychotherapy lies through objectifying the basic conflict to identifying the causes and working with them in the direction of their positive rethinking.

Another effective way to resolve conflicts is the “family council” model proposed by T. Gordon [1997] for resolving conflicts in parent-child relationships, but potentially equally effective for resolving marital conflicts. The central idea of ​​the model

“family council” is the thesis that in a conflict situation, whatever it may be, whatever the reasons it was initiated, there should be no “winners” and “losers.” The author believes that finding out the reasons

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the emergence of a conflict, identifying its culprit and initiator will not help resolve the problem, but will only aggravate it. A constructive approach, according to Gordon, is to find a solution to the problem based on the principle of equality of all parties to the conflict, regardless of age and role position in the family. The unshakable rule is that the method of resolving the conflict must be acceptable to the whole family.

The “family council” model identifies six main stages of problem resolution:

• identification and definition of conflict as a consequence of the contradictory motives and interests of family members (objectification, verbalization and awareness of the essence of the conflict in the process of discussing the problem with the whole family);

•generating and registering all possible alternatives for resolving the problem, regardless of how satisfactory they are to the parties to the conflict. At this stage, there is a rule of non-judgmental acceptance and a ban on criticism of any, even the most incredible decisions;

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Interpersonal relationships in the family

A family is founded by two people – a man and a woman. They become spouses who have to get used to each other for a long time, learn to interact and maintain their relationship.

At first, the couple gets used to it. It is very important here that there is love between the partners, which will not allow them to quickly destroy their relationship. Then the feelings disappear, but moral principles and respect for the other half come into force. If a person understands in principle that he and his second spouse can live together, then the marriage survives.

Quarrels become frequent in the family. Psychologists say that this is a normal phenomenon. Quarrels are a confrontation between two opinions that spouses have. But if partners remember that they should not insist or be offended, but look for a compromise solution, then the marriage will be saved.

Spouses must be responsible, decisive, active and look in the same direction. Then the family will survive no matter what.

Family relationships

Every family should be built on trust and respect for each of its members, constant attention, care and support. Of course, parents must live in love and harmony; all sorts of conflicts and other tensions are instantly felt in children in an incomprehensible way, and lead to pathologies in their psycho-emotional and even mental-physical development. Personality transformations of parents, as a rule, are associated with personal or career problems. In such unfavorable moments, the support of your spouse is more important than ever.

Otherwise, the situation threatens serious disorder of one or both parents, the development of alcoholism and indifference. Having received autarky, children cease to be obedient and affectionate towards their parents, experiencing emotional suffering and extreme stress. Turning points and difficult moments for every family often occur between the ages of 13 and 18. At this time, children intensively undergo secondary socialization, they develop unusual interests.

It is important at this moment to build quality relationships between generations in the family.

based on previously completed work. It is during the restless adolescence that children oppose themselves to society, ask a lot of questions about the achievements of their parents, and have their own point of view on everything.

In fact, a good climate in the family depends directly on the parents

By constantly showing attention and care to children, they have the right to count on minimal manifestations of instability in the behavior of adolescents and on a constant reciprocal feeling of attention and gratitude. Conversely, manifestations of indifference, inattention, or constant squabbles and scolding between family members lead to unsatisfactory academic performance of the offspring and to their nervous breakdowns.

At the slightest manifestation of aggression or misunderstanding, it is worth knowing that the psychology of relationships in the family

can help on all levels: between spouses, between generations and even between children. In the process of education and training, you should be very flexible and attentive. Constantly monitor your child’s well-being, study his interests, aspirations and inclinations, and promptly prevent the spread of potential conflicts. Don't put too much pressure on your child. Recent scientific studies indicate difficulties in adapting to adult life in children who have been overprotected. You should not show dictatorial tendencies in the process of education and assert yourself at the expense of the baby.

However, you should not think that everything is in order when there is absolute calm. Quicker. There is a smell of complete indifference here. Parental attention should be enough, but it should not overshadow everything else in the lives of children. They also have the right to form their own opinions. Models of relationships between spouses will help in raising children

in the family based on various behavioral forms and stereotypes.

Optimally built relationships in the family

may vary depending on the character and temperament of the spouses. Is it difficult for you to raise children? What manifestations of a “difficult age” are typical for your child? Sharing parenting experiences is also a powerful weapon in the difficult process of parenting.