Do you want to learn how to forgive grievances and easily get rid of the burden of the past, how to stop being offended and draining energy along with negative emotions? So, my article is for you: in it I will share my personal experience and give practical advice.
But before I continue, I want to share with you an invitation to the self-love marathon from Elizaveta Volkova and Veronika Kitsenko.
On it you can free yourself from resentment, envy, anger, accept and love yourself, learn to live in harmony with the people around you without conflicts and quarrels >>>
I want to start with a simple question. Do you love collecting shells and stones on the seashore? Personally, I just love it! I remember how I picked up whole handfuls, carefully laid them out in piles and admired them. And it was such a pity to throw them away and leave them on the shore. Although I understood that these were nothing more than trinkets.
Now imagine that your little grievances against your colleagues, acquaintances and relatives are pebbles and shells from the beach. And children's grievances against their own parents and ex-spouses are huge cobblestones.
But before we figure out how to stop being offended and learn to forgive offenses, I want to tell you a story about a would-be traveler. I think she will motivate you to change your attitude towards grievances today. You will see how the burden of unspoken claims and accumulated anger prevent you from living happily.
Preamble
In fact, it is easier to prevent a quarrel with your husband than to think about how to survive this difficult conflict. Introduce one important rule into your family: under no circumstances should you involve relatives in disagreements or any mention of them. It’s hard to imagine a more serious cause of conflict than “but your mom is bothering us” or “your dad is lazy and worthless, just like you.”
How will you react if someone says something bad about your relatives, even if it is true? This is definitely a way to piss a person off. The main rule: parents are not chosen, they are not discussed. Take it to avoid a large number of quarrels.
Parable about resentment
How to stop reacting to insults? Philosophical wisdom says:
In the east there lived a sage who taught his disciples: “People insult in three ways. They may say you are stupid, they may call you a slave, they may call you untalented.
If this happens to you, remember the simple truth: only a fool will call another a fool, only a slave looks for a slave in another, only a mediocrity justifies with the madness of others what he himself does not understand.”
Offense does not hurt the one who offended. It deeply hurts the one who is offended. After listening to this parable, the deep meaning of the philosophy of accepting insult and grief will become clear.
Similar article: Empathy and empaths - what does it mean?
Never involve children in conflict
Before you overcome a strong resentment towards your husband, it is important to understand how to prevent countless quarrels. Any conflict must be stopped immediately if a child appears on the doorstep. Think about his fragile psyche, so you should not involve him in solving your problems. If only because any unnecessary word said to each other can hurt the feelings of children and change their attitude towards their parents.
If you want to say something rude or unpleasant, mentally count to ten. Perhaps the desire to quarrel will disappear. Do not provoke your significant other into conflict. Who will benefit from this? One way or another, everyone will have their own opinion, so is it worth disturbing your partner’s emotional state?
Resentment - what is it?
Resentment is an internal feeling of unjustified expectations. It acts as a defensive reaction to negative external causes (insult, grief).
Inside, everything is colored by negative emotions towards the offender. Life turns into hell. Situations and words that caused the bad condition are scrolling through my head.
Most likely, you did not expect that a person would act this way towards you. Perhaps your knowledge about him was superficial and insufficient. The human soul is darkness. We cannot predict how another person will act in a given situation.
Video from psychologist Alisa Kuramshina about the essence of “resentment” - what is it really?
No to vengeance!
Many women are desperate to find out how to take revenge on their husband for an insult. Never act out of spite on your spouse, even if he mortally offended you. Don't try to touch him where it hurts by bringing old quarrels or negative situations into the conversation. Perhaps, if you do not use rancor, your marriage will be saved, but as soon as hurtful words are uttered in response or a hurtful act is committed, then there will be very little chance of a good life together.
Never take revenge, and if you promised to forgive your husband, then do not remind them of the quarrels after a while.
Basic Rule
If you don’t know how to overcome resentment towards your husband, then use this advice. If the cause of the conflict was not the betrayal of the spouse, but only some incorrect actions and spoken words, then it is necessary to have a preventive conversation.
In most cases, partners in relationships are offended by rudeness that was spoken to them. Explain to your spouse what exactly hooked you.
There is a golden rule: if nothing helps you cope with the desire to quarrel, then do it, but only without humiliation and insults. Everyone swears, you can’t do without it. Each person has his own emotions, experiences, views on life. And even people who love each other can have hundreds of differences and differences of opinion.
I choose a dream!
I hope now it will be easier for you to forgive people and let go of grievances. Let's accumulate joyful memories that warm the soul, and not heavy cobblestones on the heart. Let's take care of our own energy resources and get rid of the bad habit of being offended by people.
It is also very important to stop being offended by the most important person in your life - yourself. The self-love marathon, created by Elizaveta Volkova and Veronika Kitsenko, will help you with this. Hurry up to reserve your place in the new stream >>>
Forward! With a light backpack behind you, go to your dreams!
(The author of the article is Anna Zhukova, psychologist).
How to survive a conflict?
Resentment towards your husband can destroy your marriage and relationships in general. But if after a quarrel there is a strong aftertaste, then look at your partner. Do you really want to continue living with this person under one roof, as one family? If the positive answer does not cause you any doubt, then you need to start working on restoring the relationship.
How to get rid of resentment: 8 effective tips
Tip #1
If you feel that you have been offended, there is no need to keep the negativity to yourself. But there’s no need to run to a person and pour it all out on him either. Try to imagine the offender. Perhaps you have a photo of him, if not, you can take some object, a pillow, for example, and talk it out.
Tell us what exactly offends you, what you didn’t like, what you expected. This practice will clarify a lot for you too. You will learn to express your feelings and desires before resentment arises.
Tip #2
If you are nevertheless offended by word or deed, take some soft object, toy or pillow, imagine the offender in this object and properly reflect your pain and anger through beating.
By the way, tears help too. If at this moment you feel like crying, don’t hold yourself back.
Tip #3
If you can’t speak out, write a letter to the offender. Tell it everything you think about the current situation. The letter must then be burned.
Tip #4
Learn to express emotions constructively. How? Try talking to your abuser not from the point of view of an accuser, but from the point of view of someone describing their feelings. Instead of: “You offended me, insulted me!” say: “I am offended, and your behavior and words offended me, I am upset.” If a person is accused of something, then he has a desire to resist. Talking through your feelings helps relieve or reduce tension between people.
Tip #5
Try to understand the person: why he did this. Perhaps he does this unconsciously.
Tip #6
If something offends you, thank the person for it. You were shown your weaknesses. Understand yourself and why it bothered you.
Tip #7
Forgive yourself for being offended. Yes, yes, on the one hand it’s so simple, but on the other hand it’s important.
Assault
Most women who are humiliated and insulted by their husbands do not want to end their marriage. But if a man once dared to raise his hand against his beloved during an ordinary quarrel, then there can be no talk of any restoration of the relationship. However, it is important to understand that the stronger sex is the same people as women, having emotions, feelings and a limit of patience. If a girl starts beating her man, provoking him to fight, then at that moment she turns from a spouse or girlfriend into a sparring partner. However, nothing will justify the guy who was able to return blow for blow. Even if the blame for the provocation lies entirely with the woman.
In this case, only an immediate interruption of the relationship can help to overcome the resentment towards the husband.
Serious quarrel
After a conflict, you need to talk to your spouse - popular advice from psychologists. Resentment towards your husband will continue to torment you if you don’t dot all the i’s in time. Remember that this is not a simple domestic conflict, but a serious quarrel leading to the breakdown of a marriage.
If you understand that a man is really ready to listen to you and change, then conversation in this case will be the best medicine against resentment. But before you express your dissatisfaction with your partner, it is best to write them on a piece of paper and then read them several times.
This method allows you to “pour out your soul” and not be afraid that someone will find out the truth of your family life. It will become much easier for you once you express it on paper. Sometimes after reading what is written, quarrels and insults seem not so terrible and deadly. Sometimes girls simply burn the sheet of complaints and prefer not to talk to their husbands about this topic, forgetting and forgiving everything.
As a rule, grievances expressed to the husband may be unjustified and exaggerated. Therefore, before you go to sort things out, it is recommended to clearly know what your partner’s fault is—specific, and not far-fetched.
How to work through feelings of resentment
The feelings that resentment causes are anger, rage, rage, hatred, hysteria, anger, irritation, contempt, indignation, woundedness, annoyance, hostility, indignation, disgust, despair, anxiety, humiliation, confusion, brokenness, nervousness, grief, depression.
Re-read the above words and identify the emotions that cause your feelings of resentment. Choose 3-4 feelings that fill you at the moment. That is, try to understand which feelings resonate more strongly in your soul. If it’s difficult for you, then try to listen to your breathing, sensations, signals inside your body.
Similar article: Psychological barrier - reasons for how to overcome it
The more accurately you define your feelings, the easier it will be to work through and experience them.
To prevent negative emotions from remaining inside, accumulating and leading you to a stressful state, you need to be able to bring them out. “Freezing” negative feelings within yourself is very dangerous!
There are several effective ways to do this:
- Write your condition on paper, then tear it up and throw it away (you can burn it);
- Talk to a friend, a psychotherapist, call the psychological service hotline;
- Shout out;
- Draw your feelings (art therapy).
Go for reconciliation
“Yesterday I had a fight with my husband. He said a lot of nasty things to me, as did I to him. Now I am consumed by resentment towards my husband. What to do? Should we compromise, or should we wait for an apology from him?” - it is important to understand that not all women are ready to accept the situation as it really is.
Even if you imagine that your spouse really offended you, you need to give him time to think about the whole situation. Of course, resentment towards your husband can be much stronger than the ability to be patient and wait out a few hours or days.
To begin, let your spouse come first to apologize and repent. When he takes the first step towards reconciliation, never show him your character. Your husband found the strength to step on the neck of pride. Remember that only a strong person can forgive, so learn this ancient art.
It can be very difficult to step over your “I” - but one day you will realize how much easier it is to live without your pride and selfishness. Let the pronoun “we” be heard often in your family, and then the number of quarrels will decrease.
If your spouse did not dare to approach you first, but you want to make peace, then you will have to act independently - decisively and without hesitation. In most domestic quarrels, both are always to blame - one, because he could not control himself, and the other, because he is not able to escape the conflict and remain silent when necessary. Approach your husband and offer to have a serious conversation. Explain what offended and offended you in exchange for revelations on his part. Let your spouse tell you where you went wrong. When all the i's are dotted, it is necessary to make a general solution to the conflict.
About responsibility
This boring word is often mentioned by authors of self-help books. The world is not static; we constantly influence it with our thoughts and actions. Even if it seems to you that you did not attract negative events, this is not so.
Don't believe me? Watch the most famous wave experiment in the history of quantum physics. And pay attention to who influences what there.
What happens to us every day is a consequence of thoughts and actions taken in the past.
When Lisa was little, her father left the family. Then she was sure that he left because of her and tried her best to be good so that he would return. Time passed, Lisa grew up and old grievances were erased, remaining somewhere far away in the closets of the subconscious. When Lisa met Yegor, he seemed to her the best, the love of her life. She did everything she could to be his dream girl. But it turned out that this was not enough. As a result, Yegor left for someone else without any regrets, and Lisa made even more efforts to be good, condemning herself for not trying hard enough. Causes and consequences.
Regardless of whether Lisa’s father and Yegor are to blame, the girl herself decided to blame herself for everything and strictly demand of herself to remain ideal under any circumstances. She didn’t understand herself, didn’t analyze what was happening. She was sure of one thing - if I wasn’t good enough, they would leave me.
No matter what wonderful person she meets in her life in the future, as long as Lisa works on her beliefs, she will be abandoned. Because she is sure that this is the only way it happens. Yes, she won’t even come across good guys, because subconsciously she herself will try to avoid them - she has other programs that are not aimed at love.
Responsibility. If bad events happen to you, it means you are convinced that this is the only way that should happen in your life.
All that is required of you now is to admit that it was you who attracted the scoundrel into your life and allowed him to do what he did to you.
What about betrayal?
It is extremely difficult, and sometimes impossible, to forgive betrayal. Cheating always entails, if not divorce, then cohabitation, but for the sake of children, a shared loan, a mortgage, or old parents who may not survive the breakup. In this case, many women wonder how to forgive their husband for insult and betrayal?
- Firstly, every girl wants to receive guarantees that her husband will never cheat on her again - neither physically nor mentally.
- Secondly, it is important to learn to trust your man. This advice applies to those women who agreed to forgive the betrayal, but for many months, or even years, they blame him for his mistake and send him back to work with pain and stress.
If you accepted your spouse and agreed never to remind them of the betrayal, then that’s the way it should be. If you cannot overcome your resentment towards your husband, then sooner or later you will become the culprit of divorce. And this despite the fact that once upon a time your spouse hurt you by cheating on you.
Imagine if you could live with this man under the same roof, knowing that one day he chose another woman instead of you? If it is difficult to get used to this idea, then it is better not to agree to restore the marriage. So you will think about only one thing - how to take revenge on your husband for the insult.
But cheating in return will not bring you satisfaction. On the contrary, you will begin to feel even worse - humiliated and low.
Parents and children
How can you forgive parents for children's grievances?
You can ask for a grudge and let it go, or you can communicate in a friendly and warm manner with your parents. They can tell you that they had one reason or another at that time for doing this to you, which caused you to be offended. Not every child can and knows how to forgive, so this gift must be instilled from a young age.
If the resentment was laid in childhood, then it will grow with the child. When you see that the child has cooled down towards you and is distant from you, it will be too late to do anything. If you are really wrong, then admit it first, so you will help your child forgive his parents for childhood grievances.
Learn to forgive
Not all women know how to deal with resentment towards their husband. Psychology, together with religion and philosophy, teaches people to forgive. Resentment after spoken words, quarrels or conflicts makes you vulnerable and weak. You waste precious time on meaningless showdowns, and then endlessly thinking about what was said or done during conflicts. Of course, if a quarrel escalates into a fight or moral violence, then it is best to cut such a person out of your life.
Domestic conflicts are easily resolved, especially if you understand that most of them are born out of financial difficulties, parental responsibilities, illness or high expectations. Marriage is where two people are willing to support each other and grow together. You can't let your pride, emotions, or lack of control over your temper ruin your relationship. Learn to forgive, even if for this you have to step over your “I”.
Don't get hung up
The resentment that sits inside you can become destructive, where one spark will lead to a huge explosion. Even if your husband insulted or humiliated you, said or did something very unpleasant, do not let your emotions take over.
Imagine a situation where you said a few words to your husband about the offense, he apologized, and the relationship returned to normal. But something deep down continues to torment and torment you, forcing you to return to that conflict situation every day. Soon these feelings will develop into something more, turning a self-confident woman into an obsessive and emotionally unbalanced person. Any trifle will be accompanied by quarrels and another “Do you remember what you said/did last time?”
Where to get away from thoughts
The best way to cope with mental trauma is through work. And it doesn’t have to be a mediocre one, where you need to go 5 days a week. Work can mean any activity - hobbies, sports, travel and shopping.
Keep your mind and body occupied and distracted from your own overwhelming thoughts to regain confidence in your relationship and not dwell on resentments. By constantly thinking about negative things, you attract only negative events into your life.
Analyze how serious your grievances are. Will you be able to live with them in the future? Why did you decide to forgive your husband? Will you be able to accept his apology in the future? Have you embellished the situation? Do you want to be pitied after a quarrel? Do you have a habit of looking for those responsible for any conflicts?
Answering these questions can help you understand the importance and severity of your grievances. If you understand that the situation is not worth wasting your life energy, then should you remember and dwell on conflicts from the past?
There are no perfect people
Every person has the right to make mistakes. You probably also once allowed your emotions to take over - you offended loved ones, caused them pain. Someone still holds a grudge against you, but the rest have forgiven and forgotten all long-standing grievances.
If your husband made a mistake, then give him the opportunity to make things right. Don’t present yourself as if you are the only person in the world who has been hurt or at least unpleasantly hurt. If all conflicts and quarrels are not systematic, however, like grievances, then allow your spouse to apologize, draw a conclusion, remove life experience from the situation and try to never repeat the same mistake again.
This rule should also be supported by women who, sooner or later, are capable of saying a few rude words or provoking a partner into a conflict. When you learn to forgive and forget all the negativity, you will ultimately become a more balanced, kind person, surrounded by people who are ready to accept apologies and not remind you of quarrels.
