Why does the resentment not go away?
As a rule, feelings “get stuck”, repeat themselves, go in a vicious circle when they do not find expression.
How it works? Any feeling is a reaction to some event in the external world. It is given to us as a hint, that is, the feeling helps determine how we feel about this event and how we should react to it.
Imagine your friend telling you: “This new jacket suits you very well!” Most likely, you will feel joy, pleasure, and gratitude to your friend. These feelings will make you smile and say thank you.
Or a neighbor's boy hit your window with a ball - then you will get angry and go to deal with his parents - demand an apology and compensation for the damage.
The same thing happens in relationships with parents. When your mother says or shows you through her actions: “You are my biggest mistake in life!” – you also have a variety of feelings. Most likely, great bitterness or intense anger, even rage.
But here's the difference. Often, no matter how great the intensity of feelings for your mother is, you are so overwhelmed by them that it is very difficult to digest them, analyze the situation, and respond adequately.
After all, on the one hand, it’s hard not to love your mother. On the other hand, at this moment I want to kill her. The combination of anger and love is precisely the feeling of resentment. I hate you, but I love you - and therefore I cannot hate you.
Universal advice from psychologists
It is worth noting that all methods must be applied comprehensively every time anger and resentment begin to appear in your soul. You shouldn’t reproach yourself if you can’t get rid of these feelings right away, everything will come with time.
Nobody owes you anything
It is always worth remembering that absolutely no one is obliged to meet all your requirements, meet all your expectations and do as you see fit. Think about whether you yourself live up to the expectations of others. Most likely no. And this is absolutely normal, since each of us takes care of ourselves and our problems first, and then remembers others.
Remember only the good things
We advise you to always take only positive moments from any relationship. Every person has wonderful traits, focus on them, rather than focusing on one bad quality. People are used to accepting all the good things and not paying attention to it, but in the opposite case they start a conflict and get offended, not taking into account all the good things that happened.
Nobody and nothing last forever
Often people realize the importance and value of a person only when they can no longer be returned. Only with such a development of events will we realize the stupidity of our conflicts and quarrels. Many people cannot forgive themselves for a long time for not having time to make peace with this or that person. To avoid this, appreciate the present moment and do not waste time on anger and resentment.
Take responsibility for your actions
Most of the events that happen in our lives are the result of our actions and our choices. Remember that nothing happens for nothing. Any person on our life's path is sent for a specific purpose. And only you decide how to behave in a certain situation. We advise you not to waste your life on grievances, but to regard any event as an opportunity to gain experience.
Avoid provocations
If you understand that someone from your environment is deliberately trying to hurt you, then under no circumstances fall for provocations. Otherwise, you will make it clear that you can be controlled. Try to keep your interactions with such people to a minimum.
Resentment destroys health
If you like to be offended, then think about the fact that at such moments a muscle spasm occurs in your body. All this can lead to illness. Remember that the more grievances you accumulate, the higher the likelihood that you will acquire several diseases. Consider how your throat and upper body behave in moments of anger. They shrink, which causes various disruptions in the functioning of organs. Surely everyone has heard that all diseases arise from stress. This phrase is currently so popular that many people no longer perceive it. And in vain. Resentment is one of the most powerful emotions that can destroy our body. Therefore, we strongly advise you to stop being angry and offended in order to maintain your health for many years.
you need to get rid of resentment in order to reconcile with your family and improve your life
What to do with old grudges
Your task is to restore the interrupted cycle “emotion – desire – action”. To do this, you need to figure out what exactly interrupted him.
For example, you love your mother so much that it is impossible to express your feelings to her. It seems that if you honestly tell her about how hurt and offended you are, your mother will immediately treat you differently and begin to love you less.
I think your fears may be partly correct and adequate. Mom, especially if she is old and has always been hot-tempered and touchy, can easily take offense at your claims. But any complaints can always be formulated in an inoffensive manner.
Compare: “Mom, I want to tell you honestly: you ruined my whole life and I hate you!” and “Mom, I have heavy feelings in my soul. Will you listen to what I say? When you told me that you didn’t want me, I felt completely unnecessary to you. I was very hurt. It would help me a lot if you said that you really don’t think so and that you are important.”
Of course, not every mother will be affected by such words. Some mothers may even say something even more offensive in response. If it seems to you that this will be the case with your mother, then I completely trust your feeling. There is another way in this case.
Mom was offended
Mom was offended that I refused to come visit her yesterday.
She called me in the evening and said that she would come in and give the socks to the children that she had bought. I told her that it would be better tomorrow. Because the plans were completely different. The day before yesterday my husband arrived late in the evening from hunting. Yesterday we spent the whole day wandering around the shops, back and forth... And in the evening a mechanic came to us - my husband’s car wouldn’t start. My husband and I prepared a delicious dinner, opened a bottle of wine, and before we could start dinner, he went into the yard to see the master. My mom called me and said she wanted to come over. I say, Mom, we are very tired, my husband is tired, he has problems with his car. She - I won't last long. I’m mom, well, really, let’s do it tomorrow. We haven't even had dinner yet. She - I won’t eat your dinner, I’ll come to the children. I am mom, please come tomorrow. The husband is tired, nervous, he wants to come home as soon as possible, eat in peace and relax.
Well, then she got offended, said “tomorrow, so tomorrow” and hung up.
Today I called her to find out how she was doing and tell her that the children were sick, the doctor came. At first she spoke to me through gritted teeth, and then began to scold me. That because of me she didn’t sleep until 6 in the morning, that I really offended her with my behavior... Then she moved on to the topic of children, that they got sick because of us, that there’s no point in dragging children around to the shops - we should go for walks with them. I’m a mom, we had time to go for a walk, we had to go to the store, we’re used to going there with our children, what’s wrong? She walks with the children, not takes them shopping!!! One to the store, the other could go for a walk!!!…. Well, and so on... And we do everything wrong, we have strange methods of education, etc., etc.... Well, in the end, again, that I am an ungrateful daughter, that I hurt her very much by not letting her visit. She told me to think and when I analyze my behavior to call and apologize.
So what should I do? I don't feel guilty. But I can’t be in a moral quarrel with my mother either; I’m very worried.
I would also like to add that my mother and I live nearby and she comes to see us very often. While her husband was hunting, she came every day. And before, she came two or three times a week. Because of this, by the way, my husband and I had conflicts. She didn't always leave before he arrived. And he is the kind of person who wants to relax after work and any strangers disturb him. She felt this and kept hammering into me that I was obliged to have educational conversations with him.
She believes that she has done a lot for us and therefore the truth is always on her side. I never deny her help to us, I always thank her, we always try to help her too if she needs help. But how can I explain to her that we have a family, and that her presence too often has a negative impact on our relationship?
And most importantly, what should I do today?? Call and ask for a petition? Or not to call? What then? Wait? She is a very tough person and will not call herself, and if she does call, it will only be to scold me even more and make me apologize.
If you can't talk to your mom
This method consists of two parts and is suitable for independent work. They use it when the mother is no longer there or frankly, calm communication with her is impossible for some reason.
You remember the importance of not blocking the feelings you are experiencing, but finding an appropriate way to express them.
If expression directly is not possible, then expression through fantasy will do.
The instructions for the first part of the exercise are as follows:
- Place your mother's photo on the table. Imagine your mother - at the age at which your resentment was strongest.
- Tell “mom” about your grievance. Say whatever comes to mind, without choosing any expressions. This technique is good because you can express yourself as fully as possible without holding back. If you feel like screaming, scream. You can even throw the photo off the table or tear it into small pieces.
- Stop the moment you feel enough is enough. You can feel this physically - most likely, during the exercise your body will move, tense, maybe you will clench your fists. When it's time to finish, you'll feel more relaxed.
When the first stage is completed, evaluate your condition. Have you been able to tone down your emotions a little? Do you feel like you've spoken out? How much easier has it become for you if you rate your condition on a scale from 1 to 10 (10 was your offense before the exercise)?
If your score has become noticeably lower, you can move on to the second part of the exercise. This part is done “with a cool head.”
Attention: everything written below is not suitable for working with traumatic experiences that were the result of delinquent behavior of the mother (this includes everything that the law defines as a crime: violence, bullying, leaving in danger, etc.)
How to forgive grievances against parents
So, how to get rid of resentment towards your parents, how to forgive them for childhood grievances? Psychologists recommend adhering to the following recommendations for getting rid of trauma:
- Don't judge, don't try to forgive using the method of suppression. Try to understand your parents. Why did they do this? Please note: this is not an excuse, but an explanation. Try to abandon judgments and emotions, work with dry facts.
- Express your grievances. You can talk directly with your parents, but the problem is that not all mothers and fathers are ready to admit their mistakes, not everyone is ready for constructive dialogue. If it is not possible to talk directly, then write a letter. Specify the addressee, pour out everything that has accumulated on paper, and destroy the letter. Or you can send it to your parents without a return address (if you don’t live with them). If you want to ask your parents a question in order to understand the motives for their actions, then you need to try to talk in person. Perhaps the parents also have grievances against their children - a conversation will put everything in its place.
- Don't try to change or save anyone. Often traumatized children try to cure their parents of alcoholism or help them improve their quality of life, for example, make repairs or something else. But if the parents themselves do not want this, then you will not be able to help them. Accept the fact that it is their right and choice. Not apologizing, not changing and not admitting mistakes is also their choice. Be prepared for this.
- Accept all your emotions and states. If you want to cry, cry. If you want to be sad, be sad. If you want to get angry and scream, get angry and scream, etc. Talk to your inner child, calm him down.
Important! To forgive an offense or not to forgive, to revel in self-pity or to actively move on, to blame your childhood for everything or to deal with the past once and for all - all this is your choice. Ask yourself: “Am I ready/wanting to say goodbye to this?” If not, then continue to destroy yourself, withdraw into yourself, go into aggression or tears, but remember that this is your choice.
Three questions about your mother
So, if the hurricane of your emotions has subsided, but resentment and bitterness towards your mother remain, try to answer the following questions for yourself:
- What was your mother's childhood like? Was she happy with him?
- In your opinion, on a “cool” head, is there anything to feel sorry for your mother for? How difficult was it for her to raise you due to objective circumstances - wealth, living conditions, the situation in the country and in the world?
- What did your mother do good for you? What are you grateful to her for?
By answering these questions, you will recreate a more objective picture of the reality of your childhood. Often, resentment towards parents is due to the fact that we are twisted into an emotional knot and it is difficult for us to get out of it. It’s like a snow storm: we walk and it’s as if there’s nothing around.
It is important here not to close your eyes to the grievances that you have, and to look at your mother through rose-colored glasses instead of black ones. And to see the three-dimensional picture - yes, in some ways my mother was a bad mother for me. This is true. And this part of history cannot be rewritten. But in some ways she was good. Like all people. Just like ourselves.
What you have learned in this exercise can be used as a self-support technique in the future. If you again feel offended by your mother, remember this principle - to paint a three-dimensional picture. Sometimes it takes several approaches to relieve feelings of resentment.
When you need specialist help
If you are overwhelmed with emotions, if self-support techniques that you read on the Internet do not work, if resentment towards your mother ruins your life, communication with relatives has become very difficult, you can turn to a psychologist for help.
A specialist will help you get out of the emotional hole. Not everyone can cope with this on their own - and there is no shame in asking for help. We don’t endure toothache forever. There is no reason to endure mental pain either. Healthy? Join my group on VKontakte: You can also find me on FB, LiveJournal and Telegram:
