Codependency on an alcoholic husband - pseudo-altruism

When an alcoholic appears in a family, the lives of many household members change for the worse. Of course, this may not happen immediately; sometimes it may take many years to destroy the foundation of a once strong family. But if you don’t take any action, wait for the “sea weather”, then sooner or later this will happen, and the relationship will collapse.

Our parents taught us that we need to help the sick and understand them. In case of alcoholism, traditional measures can harm not only the patient, but his loved ones. Over time, the alcoholic's environment submits to his habit and desires, not knowing how to behave, generated by it, resulting in the formation of codependency in alcoholism, entailing a stage when the relationship becomes unbearable.

Excessive and uncontrolled consumption of alcoholic beverages

This concept is new for our mentality, for our country, but constant alcoholic codependency can be observed in every second family where there is a drinker. What is it, how to distance yourself from it - the answer is below.

Reasons for adjusting to a drinking family member

There are several factors that significantly increase the risk of codependency in alcoholism:

• Close relationships with a person addicted to alcohol or frequent communication with those who are already involved in codependent relationships. Over time, it begins to seem that this state of affairs is the norm and this is how the majority live.
• Those who themselves have experienced a painful addiction to alcohol become codependent more easily. After all, in essence, such a relationship is the same dependence, only slightly modified.
• Unhealthy environment in the family in which the person grew up. Excessive guardianship or strict control on the part of parents, violence, the presence of mental illness in one of the family members.
• Stereotypes of behavior formed as a result of upbringing (renunciation of one’s interests in favor of another, sacrifice, obedience). Gender stereotypes that encourage female weakness and meekness and condemn strength and self-confidence make women more susceptible to codependency.
• The fear of being alone pushes many women to live with a drinking man throughout their lives.
• Low self-esteem makes people dependent on other people's opinions; they need to feel needed and useful. In addition, such people have a hard time believing that they deserve better, so they hold on to the relationships they have, even if it is an exhausting relationship with an alcoholic.
• Mental disorders. Neurosis and depression significantly increase the likelihood of developing codependent relationships, especially against the backdrop of falling in love.

Attachment

Help for alcohol addicts: methods of psychotherapy and where to go?

Dependence on alcohol leads to pathological changes in the psyche. For normal brain function, regular consumption of fats is necessary - the building material of the cells of the frontal lobes and nerve endings. Alcohol is a fat-soluble product. Regular consumption of alcoholic beverages interferes with the normal absorption of fat. A lack of fat cells leads to disturbances in the functioning of the central nervous system and the occurrence of negative symptoms:

• dizziness;
• nausea;
• constant headaches;
• tremors of the limbs;
• blurred vision;
• memory impairment.

In severe cases, some time after the onset of alcoholism in a person, visual and auditory hallucinations are observed. Apathy, neurosis, and paranoid disorder appear.

Alcoholism becomes a problem for family members, affecting their mental health. Women whose husbands suffer from regular binge drinking exhibit the same symptoms that are characteristic of people who have experienced post-traumatic stress disorder. A close relationship with an alcoholic is depressing and forces you to constantly be in a situation of real danger.

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Treatment for alcohol addiction is a long and labor-intensive process. It is necessary to influence an alcoholic in a comprehensive manner, both with the help of medications and by resorting to psychological help.

First of all, it is important to determine the reasons for drinking alcohol: problems in the family or at work, unsuccessful relationships with the opposite sex, lack of self-realization, creative crisis, difficult financial situation.

An experienced psychologist can identify the exact cause of addiction. After talking with a specialist, the desire to drink fades into the background, giving way to pressing problems. And if the physical dependence on alcohol is weak, then the person is able to cope with the problem even after the first stage of psychological help.

Also, communication with a specialist may become relevant for decisions about treatment when loved ones cannot insist on the need to accept outside help. After sessions with a psychologist, a person will be able to independently identify his own problem and look for a solution.

During direct treatment, the patient needs to recognize the addiction and reject alcohol as the easiest path to a carefree life, so alcoholics are told about other possibilities when leading a sober lifestyle.

They are shown how, under the current circumstances, they can find other ways to solve emerging problems, for example, if there is a lack of money, it is worth changing jobs or starting their own business; if their personal life is unsettled, they should contact special matchmaking agencies.

Attention!

It is also important to explain to an alcoholic that alcohol is evil. Therefore, they resort to the power of suggestion, instilling an aversion to all alcoholic drinks.

An experienced psychologist can identify the exact cause of addiction.

Signs and characteristics of codependent behavior patterns

Codependency with an alcoholic manifests itself both in actions and in the form of social, emotional, physical, and spiritual disorders. Against the backdrop of constant stress, health problems arise. Hypertension, neuroses, insomnia, asthma, gastrointestinal diseases, heart disease.

The patient develops low self-esteem, behavior becomes irrational, and psychological autonomy disappears. All this affects a person's quality of life.

Often, an alcoholic can be the reason why the classic Karpman triangle occurs. As a rule, the drinker becomes a “persecutor” - he poisons the life of those who live nearby, provokes problems, conflicts, and disagreements. Caring for the drinker, the need to take responsibility for him, leads to the emergence of codependency. Usually, this is a married couple in which the man abuses alcohol. In this case, the spouse becomes a “victim”. Manipulation in the family, financial instability, instability - all this acts destructively, and the “victim” looks for a “deliverer” - for example, complains about her husband to a friend.

No one in the family of an alcoholic can be truly happy. Such families are recognized as dysfunctional; normal conditions for development and upbringing are not created for children. Over time, codependency spreads to them. And children repeat in life the behavior patterns borrowed from the family.

On the other hand, the husband feels like a “victim”. At the same time, he is a manipulator, shifting responsibility onto the shoulders of his wife. The problem is that things don’t go beyond mutual complaints - the man continues to drink, the woman suffers, but, as before, she takes care of her drinking spouse, tries to talk to him, and help him. It often happens that the person who plays the role of the “vest” is subsequently blamed for incorrect advice or insufficient participation.

Then, when the state of affairs begins to harm every link in the harmful chain, it is necessary to begin treatment for codependency. To do this, you need to recognize the problem. Getting rid of codependency is possible if a person sincerely desires to gain personal freedom. Stereotypical, modeled behavior resembles an evil game in which everyone has their place.

Characteristics and signs of codependency

The main and defining characteristic is denial of the alcohol problem. The person does not understand that he is mired in a thankless task and he himself needs help. Here is a short test to determine how codependent an alcoholic is:

1. the level of concentration on other people's lives is too great;
2. there is an enduring feeling of shame for one’s own success, for what is happening in family life;
3. high level of control over the life of the husband/wife;
4. constant dissatisfaction with oneself, blaming oneself for the vices of another;
5. despair, inability to influence the situation and change your life;
6. defense, justification for binge drinking of a husband/wife;
7. suppression of one’s interests, one’s own personality to please the patient with alcoholism;
8. lack of spiritual needs, time for personal self-improvement.

The worst thing is that when living with a drunkard, women (most often) turn into sort of “martyrs” and can no longer imagine their own life without “this drunk.” At the same time, ladies can hide their problem from others, or they can show it off, saying that “he will be lost without me.” In fact, the codependent person needs to be treated and isolated together with the children from the drunkard husband. If you still believe that you have not yet become that “victim”, you should look at 8 striking signs of a codependent person:

1. in speech there is a phrase “we”: we tried, but nothing helps / we did everything on the doctor’s advice, but we are no better, and so on;
2. checking pockets and bags every night for alcohol is a normal ritual, as are constant questions from the husband about his pastimes, possible calls for confirmation;
3. panic and anxiety for no apparent reason when the husband is away from home;
4. outright fear of telling friends and acquaintances about the problem;
5. complete suppression of the alcoholic’s independence: decision-making, constant reminder of what has not been done, not accomplished;
6. pity for the drinking family member: alcohol addiction is perceived as a serious and incurable disease that you need to come to terms with, subordinating your whole life to it;
7. fear of being left alone, without a person who “even if he drinks and beats, but is his own”;
8. violent manifestation of emotions, sometimes “in public”: a wife can pour vodka on her husband’s head, publicly insult him, make a scandal, call the police.

It is extremely important to carefully analyze your own behavior and attitude towards an alcoholic. If two signs are present, you have become codependent on the patient

Which means it’s time to start treatment!

Codependency treatment

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Why is it so important to recognize codependent relationships in the family of an alcoholic? Doctors, narcologists, psychologists, and psychiatrists who treat patients with alcoholism argue that success is only possible if the codependent family member also undergoes psychological therapy. Practice shows that people around a drunkard do not understand the problem and often do not want to admit the truth about their no less serious codependency

In this they resemble alcoholics: after all, they also do not admit that they are sick

Practice shows that people around a drunkard do not understand the problem and often do not want to admit the truth about their no less serious codependency. In this they resemble alcoholics: after all, they also do not admit that they are sick.

When an alcoholic is confident in the harmlessness of drinking alcohol, the codependent evaluates his behavior as natural concern for a loved one, a desire to help and support. Because of this, recognizing the presence of a disease is the first step to solving the problem.

Judging by the fact that you are reading these lines now, victory in the fight against alcoholism is not yet on your side...

Have you already thought about getting coded? This is understandable, because alcoholism is a dangerous disease that leads to serious consequences: cirrhosis or even death. Liver pain, hangover, problems with health, work, personal life... All these problems are familiar to you firsthand.

What is codependency?

Alcohol codependency is a pathological pattern of relationships, which is characterized by severe dependence on another person. The emotional state, self-esteem, and sometimes even the well-being of the codependent depend on the behavior of an alcoholic. A person feels the need to constantly control the life of another, help and take care of him, often to the detriment of himself and his interests.

Most often, codependency arises as an adaptation mechanism. This is a kind of attempt to find a compromise, come to terms with the existing situation and get along with the alcoholic. In most cases, codependency develops in a family where the man drinks. His mother or wife becomes codependent, striving by all possible means to maintain the appearance of a peaceful family life.

Losing your identity

In the case of female alcoholism, such relationships develop much less frequently. This is explained by the fact that men, unlike women, are not ready to endure inconvenience for a long time and, more often than not, are not capable of complete self-sacrifice.

People living with alcoholics completely stop thinking about themselves, their desires and needs, they have only one goal left - to live for the sake of the alcoholic. Over time, the codependent completely loses his personality, dissolving into a person suffering from alcoholism, which he, in turn, actively and successfully uses.

Codependency in alcoholism. How can I get rid of it?

According to statistics, many people who have a drinking relative are not familiar with the concept of codependency on an alcoholic, which is why they do not know how to get rid of codependency from an alcoholic in our time. When alcohol codependency in a relationship is realized, you need to act quickly.

• The first thing you need to do is stop indulging the alcohol addict. The drunkard must be convinced that there is a problem and it will not be possible to overcome it without outside help.

• Codependents with alcoholism must realize that the drunkard is not a schoolboy or insane. We need to stop protecting him, helping him, and also taking care of him. He is an adult who must solve problems himself.

• Don't just discuss the topic of alcoholism. The drinker needs to demonstrate how wonderful life is without alcoholic beverages. To do this, discuss any joyful events with other family members and friends, share positive emotions.

• Don't obsess over the drunk. Codependent people of an alcoholic always mistakenly believe that he is their cross for life. Don't make an alcoholic a burden. Take care of yourself and children. Your family needs your attention. Isolate yourself from a life where there is an alcoholic drink. Change your attitude towards the situation!

• You must understand and accept the fact that all you can do for the addict is to offer to go to a clinic for professional medical help. You cannot undergo treatment for him, he must do it himself.

To get rid of an addictive condition effectively and calmly, you need to go to a specialist. A psychologist will help you reconsider your own state and behavior, free yourself from stress, and achieve inner harmony. He will give you the advice you need on how to maintain a codependent relationship in an alcoholic family. Also, during the conversation, the specialist will tell you how to behave codependently with alcoholics, how to overcome codependency on an alcoholic. At the end of the therapy, the psychologist will tell you how to avoid becoming codependent on an alcoholic in the future.

Experts treat codependency from an alcoholic using the effective “Codependency Correction Program in the Family of an Alcoholic,” which has returned a large number of people to a healthy life. Another effective way is to complete the “12 Steps for Codependency Treatment for Alcoholics.” Most often, specialists provide assistance to codependent wives of alcoholics.

Dependency in the family of an alcoholic: being in constant fear and stress, losing one’s own health. People experience nervous diseases, problems in the functioning of internal organs, insomnia and other serious disorders. In addition, people lose their joy in life and begin to age faster. As a result of this condition, life is shortened by several years.

If you yourself or someone close to you has noticed signs of codependency from an alcoholic, do not wait until the disease drags you into a quagmire, start taking action. Don't let alcohol addiction ruin your family happiness. Remember, you can help a drinking person if you are a strong and confident person!

Psychological assistance in the fight against addiction

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People have been talking about the dangers of alcohol for the body and social life since school, but statistics show disappointing figures for the growth of alcohol addiction among people of different ages around the world.

A family in which a husband or other family member suffers from drunkenness is forced to look for an answer to the question of how to deal with alcoholism in order to rid the patient of the problem and restore a normal psychological atmosphere in the house.

Modern medicine offers many effective ways to treat addiction, the choice of which depends on the clinical picture of the disease.

An irresistible craving for drinking alcoholic beverages, leading to the development of physical and mental dependence, is called alcoholism.

The disease affects internal organs and contributes to the development of the process of degradation of the alcoholic’s personality.

Drunkenness has always been a problem not only for an individual family, but also for an entire society, so it is necessary to fight alcoholism at any stage of the disease. Among the main causes of addiction are:

• unfavorable social environment;
• education and mental development of the individual;
• heredity;
• lack of support from loved ones in difficult life situations.

In a family where the husband is addicted to alcohol and constantly goes on binges, everyone suffers, especially the children. If you do not take treatment in a timely manner and allow the disease to progress, it can cause serious damage to a person’s health and psyche.

You need to start fighting the addiction by going to a narcologist, who is able to select effective therapy according to the stages of alcoholism, depending on the patient’s condition.

Attempts to independently cope with the disease end in success only for a small percentage of sick people.

The state expressed its firm intention to fight alcoholism and stop its spread among the population by establishing a ban on the sale of alcoholic beverages at certain times of the day.

According to Federal Law No. 171 “On regulating the production and turnover of ethyl alcohol, ethyl-containing products, and on limiting the consumption of alcoholic products,” selling alcohol to minors, as well as from 11:00 p.m. to 8:00 a.m., is prohibited.

You can help an alcoholic quit drinking only if he has a strong desire to get rid of the bad habit.

Eliminating physical and psychological dependence in any type of alcoholism is possible with complex treatment of the patient using medications and a special mental attitude.

Modern medicine has developed ways to combat alcoholism that make it possible to save a person from degradation and return him to a full life.

Doctors have about a hundred medications in their arsenal that help induce aversion to alcohol.

Features of drug therapy are: elimination of manifestations of intoxication of the body, elimination of abnormal craving for alcohol-containing products, prevention of withdrawal syndrome.

Hypnosis is considered one of the popular, safe and effective methods of getting rid of alcoholism. The number of therapy sessions depends on the severity and clinical picture of the disease.

In order to wean a person from drinking in this way, moral support will be needed from the patient’s relatives.

A feature of the technique is a careful influence on the individual’s consciousness, carried out during hypnotic sleep.

Attention!

The advantage of hypnosis is that during the treatment process the doctor gives instructions aimed at developing an aversion to alcoholic drinks and consciously leading a sober life.

Hypnotherapy has no toxic effect on the body, relieves depression, and suppresses fear. The main condition for achieving the desired result is the desire and willpower of the patient.

The disadvantages of hypnosis include the presence of a wide range of contraindications, such as neurosis, diseases of the cardiovascular system, kidneys, and liver.

Coding

In search of an answer to the question of how to deal with alcohol addiction, scientists have found a good remedy - coding, which is aimed at stopping drinking alcohol and reducing physical and psychological cravings for it. Immediately after the session, the body begins to perceive alcohol in a new way, replacing the feeling of euphoria with discomfort and pain. A popular coding technique is therapy using the Dovzhenko method.

The main reasons for dependence on ethyl products are stress, troubles at work and at home, so the recovery process for patients addicted to addiction, including beer alcoholism, must be accompanied by the right psychological attitude.

By turning to a psychologist, the patient takes an important step towards getting rid of the disease and gaining motivation to change his life for the better. Psychotherapy sessions are aimed at normalizing relationships in the family of an alcoholic and developing the correct behavior of his relatives.

An alcoholic in the family is a real tragedy that affects many people. The consequences of drinking strong drinks are talked about everywhere, but statistics inexorably show an increase in the incidence.

You can fight alcoholism at home if the patient is determined to resist the bad habit.

Common methods of treating alcohol addiction without the help of specialists are:

1. Breaking out of binge drinking, eliminating hangover syndrome at home. To do this, make drinks from herbal decoctions, detoxify the body, and normalize the diet by adding vitamins.
2. Using medications to relieve hangovers.
3. Taking medications that develop a negative attitude towards alcohol-containing products.
4. Droppers for intoxication with glucose, saline or Hemodez. The procedure is carried out by a narcologist using portable equipment.
5. Folk methods of combating alcoholism.

A person suffering from alcohol addiction rarely agrees to therapy, so relatives decide to fight alcoholism without his knowledge. However, such treatment can lead to harmful consequences, since uncontrolled use of drugs is dangerous to health.

For this purpose, medications are used that are tasteless, odorless and quickly dissolve in food or drinks. Elements of drugs help stop the dissolution of ethanol in the liver. Accumulating in the body, alcohol breakdown products cause severe poisoning.

These pills include:

• Teturam;
• Lavital;
• Antabuse;
• Colma;
• Disulfiram.

The development of female alcoholism is based on emotional and psychological reasons and comparative physical weakness in relation to ethanol. Due to these factors, it is much more difficult to combat addiction in women.

The effectiveness of therapy directly depends on the stage of the disease, so the treatment process should begin as early as possible.

The best way to combat alcoholism in the fairer sex is a complex of medications with coding and psychological support.

There are a huge number of folk recipes for decoctions and mixtures that relieve alcoholism. With their help, wives helped their husbands deal with the problem and return to normal life. You need to take home medicine when sober; it is better to consult a doctor before using it. The most popular tools noted by users:

1. Treatment with honey. This healing product helps to compensate for the lack of potassium, which provokes the desire to drink alcohol. The essence of the honey diet is that the patient adheres to the following regimen for two days: 6 teaspoons of natural honey are eaten, after 20 minutes the same amount, and after another 20 minutes the intake is repeated. A similar procedure is performed after 2 hours.
2. Laurel root tincture. To prepare, take bay root and 2 leaves, which are poured with 250 grams of vodka and infused for 14 days. Then the patient takes the infusion a few drops 2-3 times a day. The drug discourages the desire to drink.

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Everyone in childhood was taught the ability to sympathize with the sick and care for them. But sometimes good intentions pave the “road to hell.” In the case of an alcohol addict, sympathy can do much more harm than good. There is a risk that some household members will develop codependency due to alcoholism, how to get rid of this syndrome, and why is it dangerous?

Alcohol codependency is a pathological condition that destroys the life of a person close to an alcoholic.

This term was released in the 70s of the 20th century. Psychologists have applied this designation to individuals who have ruined their own lives due to the presence of alcohol addicts in their environment.

Loving wives and caring mothers certainly want to help loved ones in this trouble. And sometimes they completely dissolve in the troubles of the alcohol addict, devoting themselves to caring for him. As a result, alcoholic codependency subjugates their lives, bringing great suffering. Getting rid of such a syndrome is often more difficult than overcoming alcoholism.

Definition of codependency

Alcohol codependency is a condition based on behavioral disorders. It is characterized by the development of complete dependence on the drinking person, and this behavior affects all aspects of the personality:

• social;
• physical;
• emotional.

• “victim” - the relationship with the alcoholic is painful, often in a state of intoxication the husband uses physical force and threats. Sometimes the wife cannot manage the family budget and does not have the opportunity to change her place of residence. But even if there is a chance to leave, he continues the relationship, experiencing suffering;
• “savior” - a woman believes that her role is to save an alcoholic, tries to code him, direct him to treatment, and also solves all the problems that arise due to alcohol abuse;
• “persecutor” - despite the dependence syndrome, a woman takes a strong position in family relationships, therefore she becomes the initiator of family scandals and can use physical force against a man. The relationship causes psychological exhaustion, but the wife cannot leave the alcoholic; she often asserts herself at his expense due to initially low self-esteem.

Codependency on an alcoholic

Alcoholism is a terrible disease. And if not among our loved ones, then in our immediate circle we will definitely find someone who suffers from this disease. With age, we can compile our own tragic list of mutilated destinies, destroyed families, lost lives.

But relatives of alcoholics are also sick. They suffer from codependency. According to research, it has been established that one alcoholic can provoke a state of codependency in 10 people from his immediate environment. But the wives of alcoholics suffer the most.

A woman whose husband is an alcoholic is deeply unhappy. This misfortune deprives her of peace, family happiness, material well-being, and cripples her psyche. Such a woman experiences constant nervous tension, she is haunted by feelings of shame, guilt, and despair.

She often resigns herself to the state of things for the sake of the children, who continue to love their father and do not always understand their mother’s condition. But still she lives only with the dream of breaking out of the circle of circumstances that force her to endure all this.

Constant tension seeks its way out; more and more often, a woman breaks down and creates scandals that do not change anything for the better. And what outrage her feelings experience! After all, this is a real tragedy - to watch the gradual decline and degradation of a husband, to endure insults and bullying from him.

The woman is torn apart by contradictions, she is emotionally unstable: her feelings fluctuate from sympathy to irritation, from hope to despair, from love to hatred.

Sometimes a loving woman, in order to keep her husband in the family, starts drinking with him. This is a terrible path - because alcoholism develops much faster in women.

But even if an alcoholic woman does not drink alcohol at all, she is also sick. Psychologists regard loved ones of those who drink as codependent on alcohol, and in subsequent stages as alcoholic. And the first step to mental health is to recognize your illness.

According to research data, only 24% of wives understand that their husband’s alcoholism is directly related to her attitude to the situation, and that she can help her husband only by radically changing her behavior. Now you understand what codependency on an alcoholic is. What to do next?

Methods of influence

At an early stage of the disease, a man can get rid of addiction on his own using a combination of psychological methods of influence:

1. The influence of authority. A man with addiction can be influenced by a person whose opinion is authoritative for him. The desire to justify trust motivates him more than an independently made decision. An authoritative person can be an older relative, a friend, or a doctor.
2. Change of environment. Drinking alcohol often occurs not alone, but in the circle of other people susceptible to addiction. The presence of drinking buddies forces a man to drink a large dose of alcohol. Surrounding yourself with people who understand and share addiction maintains the illusion that the situation is normal.
3. Self-hypnosis. It is easier for a person with a strong will to get rid of addiction - just ban yourself from drinking alcohol. People prone to addiction need to increase their mental stability. Speech, visual, and auditory images that form the correct attitude towards alcohol, rejection of addiction, and increased vitality are suitable for this.
4. Working with meditation practices. Meditation relieves psychological stress, which often causes alcohol abuse. Spiritual growth increases a man’s ability to ignore external temptations and develop a stable worldview.
5. Reward system. The opportunity to receive a reward motivates a person to perform unpleasant, difficult actions. Refusal of alcohol should be associated with encouragement and personal gain.

Harm from codependency

What's happening to him? Why doesn't he want to change his behavior? After all, you need so little: just stop drinking alcohol and limit its quantity. This is what families think, believing that their loved one simply drinks too much, that his thirst is just a bad habit.

Dependency and codependency are two links in the same chain

However, the understanding that a loved one is suffering from alcoholism does not come immediately; sometimes it takes years. Family members first try to deal with the stubborn drunkard using their own methods. More often, the role of the fighter is played by a woman, wife or mother, and the center of attention of the family is the drinking husband or son.

To save a loved one, a woman uses dozens of methods that, in her opinion, will force the stubborn man to change his vicious behavior. She is indignant and perplexed why her methods of influence do not help, but continues to make new attempts. This is how a strong chain is quietly formed - codependent relationships in an alcoholic family.

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Two links are closely intertwined in this chain. The first link is the addict himself; the second is the one who has completely subordinated his life to caring for him.

Overcoming the codependency of loved ones is a mandatory part of the treatment of alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling addiction, etc. If the addict himself undergoes treatment and visits a psychotherapist, learning to live without pathological cravings, then, returning home, he finds himself back in an unhealthy environment.

There he is met by an already established mechanism of distorted, painful relationships; a certain behavior is intensely expected from the addict, and they continue to control and suspect him in everything.

The wife may unnecessarily watch her drinking husband, show hyperprotection, and protect him from social contacts without asking under the pretext that he will ruin everything again. In such an environment, even alcoholics who have embarked on the path to recovery encounter resistance from their already familiar environment and are capable of relapse again.

Therefore, the help of a psychotherapist is required not only by the addict himself, but also by his loved ones, so that they do not pull him back against his will.

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Most often, the following groups of people are susceptible to this psychological state:

• people with low self-esteem;
• persons who, for some reason, hate themselves, feel guilty;
• individuals who suppress anger within themselves for a long time.

Trust in an alcoholic

Most alcoholics, denying addiction, make impossible promises to themselves and loved ones. They believe that they can control the need to drink alcohol, but this self-belief is illusory. Awareness of subordination to addiction causes irritation, anger, and aggression. A man tries to deceive himself, to believe in the exceptional ability of the body to obey the will.

Self-deception can last for months and even years. Trusting the promises of people suffering from addiction is dangerous. If a person ignores treatment, limiting himself to plans, he has no real intention of seeking help. Prolonged delay contributes to personality degradation and the transition of the disease to an irreversible stage. In this situation, medical care may be provided against the will of the patient.

My husband is an alcoholic: what to do?

Do not allow yourself to be under the illusion that your husband will drink less or stop drinking altogether. Alcoholism is a disease in which, first of all, self-control is impaired. Hope for the best, but build your life around the fact that you are living with an alcoholic.

Don't try to overcome the problems associated with your husband's drinking on your own. Look for treatment centers, specialists, buddies, support groups.

Realize that you will have to undergo treatment at the same time: your husband - for alcoholism, and you - for codependency. If you fail to radically change your behavior, he will never recover.

Do not hide your husband's drunkenness from others. Calmly explain to everyone that he is an alcoholic. Do the same if your husband had any other disease.

Don’t even think that it’s your fault that your husband drinks (this is one of the drinker’s favorite excuses). Don't try to find the origins of his addiction to alcohol.

Remember that the reason is not family troubles, not problems at work, not bad company, but your husband’s painful attraction to alcohol.

Analyze your life. Think through and write down all the pros and cons of living with an alcoholic. And whatever option you choose - to leave an alcoholic or continue to live with him - it is your decision.

Therefore, calmly perceive all the problems associated with it: you are no longer a victim, but a person who has made a conscious choice.

Change your attitude towards your husband

Don’t scare your husband with a divorce - he’s unlikely to believe it. If life next to an alcoholic has become unbearable or you hope that this will stop him, put the question bluntly: “Either me, or the bottle.” But only on the condition that you are really ready for a break.

If your husband once again promises to stop drinking, keep your things packed ready to leave at the first breakdown.

Change your attitude towards your husband. “Let him go”, shift responsibility for his own destiny onto him. Give him the opportunity to be responsible for his actions. Watch him calmly, like a stranger (for example, a neighbor). Don’t try to control him, artificially keep him from drinking, or scold him.

Never clean up after him if he has done something while intoxicated. Let him see the consequences of his behavior the next day. Don’t pay his debts, don’t cover him up in front of your bosses, colleagues, friends, neighbors. “Quit the game”, leave him alone with his illness.

Avoid quarrels, especially if you have children: their psyche is more destroyed by your painful reaction than by the father’s behavior.

Do not artificially hold back the moment when a crisis occurs. Give your husband the opportunity to “push off the bottom.” A crisis is a turning point when he will either die or be saved. It is at a moment of crisis that a patient can consciously go for treatment or simply stop drinking.

Your task is not to die with your husband. You can save a drowning person only if you reach the shore yourself.

Analyze your life. Frankly admit to yourself what you have become dependent on your husband’s alcoholism, what you have given up. Think about what you could change. Step by step, win your right to a normal life. Everyone has one life!

Start living!

Go on a visit without your husband, go somewhere with your children, take care of yourself. Look for friends and acquaintances with whom you can take your mind off difficult experiences at home. Allow yourself to enjoy life. If you are financially dependent on your husband, look for ways out of this situation.

Think about how you will live when your husband stops drinking. What will your life be filled with? Won't you feel empty, will the adrenaline and vivid (albeit not very pleasant) sensations be enough for you?

A truly big threat is when an alcoholic actually stops drinking, and other family members subconsciously resist this.

Ways to limit communication

Since the desire to leave her alcoholic husband appears, a woman must think about how she can limit communication with him. Sometimes this is the only way to reduce psychological pressure and successfully undergo treatment for codependency syndrome. The following options can be used:

• kicking an alcoholic out of the house is only suitable if the husband does not have legal rights to housing. But you need to prepare for the fact that he will regularly return, try to talk or act aggressively.
• Moving in with your parents or other acquaintances helps for a while to limit communication with an alcoholic and at the same time receive support. But the husband will know about his wife’s whereabouts, so he will also try to establish contact.
• going to live in an unknown place will allow you to stop contact with an alcoholic, but this can only be done if you are financially independent or have outside help.

In some large cities there are special centers where the wives and children of alcoholics can obtain refuge during a divorce or persecution of a spouse. They help to hide, stop communicating with the addict, and avoid aggression and physical violence on his part.

Attitude to the problem

How does an alcoholic relate to the fact of his alcoholism? There are several different options possible here.

1. Absolute denial. A person does not want to admit that he has not just a problem, but a problem of such impressive proportions. Everything is supposedly normal for him; he doesn’t think there’s anything to worry about. He tells his friends, his parents, his wife that nothing is happening. It is very difficult to convince him to start taking at least some actions, because he does not know why to take them.
2. Partial denial. A person understands that he sometimes drinks alcohol - but considers his hobby quite harmless. He is confident that he can handle the problem. You just need to make an effort and you can forget about the problem. But, of course, this is nothing more than an illusion.
3. Exaggerating the problem. This happens less often, but that’s why it’s still more unusual. The person honestly declares that he is an alcoholic, and even in an extremely advanced stage. And he has no idea how to recover from this. Well, since he cannot be cured, what can he do but continue to drink heavily? A very convenient excuse.

What not to do

1. First of all, you should not threaten an alcoholic that you will leave him, you should not be offended and irritated with him, the relationship will not get better from this. You should not teach him what to do better or worse, as this will not lead to the desired result. In this way, you will introduce your “problem” family member into the status of a child, who may subsequently withdraw into himself and isolate himself from you.
2. Secondly, there is no need to constantly hope that the situation will improve and the patient will change. A codependent person always strives to save, care for, and control an alcoholic, but such efforts rarely lead to success. On the contrary, the condition of an addicted person is constantly deteriorating.
3. You should not expect an alcoholic to take action to improve the situation. The only thing you can do to help your drinking family member is to take action to improve the situation. Don't expect the problem to solve on its own.

The solution to the problem is to break the connection

If you can recognize your dependence on an alcoholic and understand that the problem lies primarily with you, you will have taken the first step towards your victory. If you continue to threaten the alcoholic and try to save him, then these attempts are doomed to failure.

In addition, special attention should be paid to such an aspect as signs of codependency; having discovered the first warning signs in yourself, you can begin to seek help and consult with specialists

Codependency on an alcoholic husband - pseudo-altruism

Ι Alcoholism

And, as a rule, the family will not last long in this case. There is no motivation to be together.

After all, it’s true, why give in to some masochistic instincts and ruin your life, succumbing not to the desire to arrange everything as best as possible, but to plunge more and more into some kind of hell.

However, there is a different situation. It occurs especially often in cases where there is a couple of husband and wife, and the husband is an avid alcoholic. And it would seem that his wife should have left him long ago, left him, and lived her own life, but everything is not so simple. For some reason, the marriage does not fall apart and does not fall apart.

What is the reason? The reason is an interesting phenomenon called codependency. It is this that encourages people to continue to live together, even when, it would seem, there is no rationality in this, no common sense in continuing to live this way and not committing a divorce.

Let's look at this phenomenon in a little more detail.

What it is?

So, what is this codependency? When an alcoholic goes overboard with his hobby, when his problem becomes truly large-scale, then many wives, instead of a simple and straightforward desire to leave the person, manifest a desire of a different kind - to help the person.

The desire, of course, is noble, there is nothing bad in it. After all, sometimes the problem is really strong, a person simply cannot cope with it. Therefore, one might think that codependency is an exclusively positive phenomenon, you just need to support such endeavors and so on.

But it's not all that simple.

Codependency is not just about helping in its neutral way. This is a real obsession. The desire to help an alcoholic, to do everything for him, becomes a kind of fixed idea, a thing on which the wife concentrates - and she cannot think about anything else.

And this codependency may not be harmful to health like alcoholism, but psychologically it is sometimes very difficult to figure out what is worse and what is more destructive

So this problem is also worth paying special attention to.

Damage to self

Sometimes, in order to enter a state of empathy, the wife also begins to drink alcohol; she believes that in this way she will be able to better control the situation, that everything will work out, that divorce will be avoided, that the alcoholic husband will be able to understand how much he is valued and understood, and therefore will be able to come to his senses.

And there are many similar extreme measures that a wife goes to. And it’s one thing if the husband is an alcoholic and nothing more, which is already scary, of course.

Attention!

But he can also be a tyrant, and such a tyrant that life turns into a real nightmare.

But the same codependency does not allow you to leave, does not allow you to get a divorce - and in the end the wife simply does not know what to do. Here's what you can do in this situation.

What can you do?

First we need to reassess what's going on.

It is important to understand who is truly a victim, and who is just the cause of a problem that, in theory, should not exist. The wife should start with herself

She must firmly understand that:

she should not indulge her husband, and it does not matter whether he is a tyrant or simply dependent; she should not share his passion, even for noble purposes; you absolutely cannot buy him alcohol, you absolutely cannot let your husband have a hangover; you absolutely cannot give up your needs and desire to live for your own pleasure in order to instead devote your life to the ridiculous struggle for the rehabilitation of this man who does not respect his wife; you can’t make your life, in which there are so many possibilities, just a pitiful addition to this parody of life that is inherent in an alcohol addict - you can’t live like that, especially when there are all the opportunities to live much better; when it comes to an adult, alcoholism is a voluntarily acquired disease that appears as a result of conscious actions and which requires no less voluntary and conscious actions in order to be cured

Conclusion

It is clear that for many women divorce is something very difficult and unusual. It is also clear that it is easier for someone to accept that their husband is a tyrant than to change something. And the desire to help, which seems noble, is also understandable, but in general there is nothing good in codependency. This is just life going downhill - you can’t do that.

Any woman should take care of herself and understand that a bright and bright future awaits her - but her alcoholic husband can easily “save” her from such a future.

And then absolutely all members of this fragile family will lose - and is it worth the torment? Perhaps it is better to understand how to get rid of an alcoholic husband, how to leave, than to carry this burden and live in this way?

Divorce is one of the ways to solve the problem

One way to legally deprive a spouse of the right to interfere in his wife’s life is through divorce. For some husbands, this becomes an incentive to reconsider their attitude towards alcohol and give up the bad habit. But with advanced forms of the disease, divorce is the only way for a woman to limit the impact on her life.

The divorce procedure lasts from 3 months or more, depending on the presence of children and jointly acquired property, as well as the ability of the spouses to negotiate. A divorce from an alcoholic can drag on for a long time due to the man’s reluctance to lose his wife, who was responsible for providing for his daily life. Some deliberately prevent the breakup of the relationship in order to further harm the wife psychologically or emotionally.

If a woman has not undergone codependency psychotherapy, there is a possibility that, under pressure from her husband, she will stop the divorce procedure and withdraw the application.

An alcoholic may manipulate feelings, try to evoke pity, or stop drinking alcohol for a while to prove that he has recovered. However, most often after his wife returns, he continues to drink.

Some become embittered because of the woman’s desire to leave, so their behavior becomes aggressive.

For a divorce to be successful, you must change your place of residence during the procedure and meet with the alcoholic as little as possible. After a divorce, you also cannot remain living in the same apartment, otherwise there will be no difference in the addict’s attitude towards his ex-wife; he will still try to manipulate.

Consequences of codependency on an alcoholic husband

Living in constant stress leaves its mark on the physical and psycho-emotional state of all family members. At the physical level, headaches often begin to manifest themselves, insomnia appears, and disorders of the cardiovascular, digestive and endocrine systems are noted. Neurocirculatory dystonia, neurosis, and increased anxiety develop. Passive-aggressive behavior becomes the norm, and the rift in family relationships becomes even deeper.

American and European psychologists have identified common features that are necessarily observed in codependent women:

• they live in fear and teach fear to others (children in particular);
• They believe that only a rich family can be successful and happy;
• We are convinced that only the approval of others allows us to become a worthy person;
• learn themselves and teach others to adapt to emotional disturbances rather than solve problems by seeking qualified help;
• replace love with care and feelings of pity and guilt;
• They live in the past and are afraid of the future, because they do not expect anything good from it.

The most outstanding feature of codependent behavior is total control - from rough and hard pressure to soft, insinuating manipulation with the aim of imposing one’s will, behavioral tactics and vision of the problem. At the same time, tactics can constantly change, but the goal is always the same - to subjugate and force. To force life to unfold the way the controlling person wants and expects.

An alcoholic's way of thinking

Casual drinking of alcohol is not alcoholism. Alcohol dependence is diagnosed by noting the presence of a number of signs:

1. Irritability, turning into aggression when it is impossible to satisfy the need for alcohol.
2. Increased mood after drinking alcoholic beverages.
3. Constantly looking for opportunities to drink.
4. Reduced level of social responsibility, indifference to family and work responsibilities.
5. Forming a stable connection between alcohol drinking and positive perceptions.

The thinking of an alcoholic has a clear focus on satisfying the addiction. He views alcoholism as the only opportunity to cope with stress, relax, and smooth out unpleasant experiences. The effect of alcohol is perceived positively: decreased self-control relieves emotional stress.

The irritation that follows abuse, changes in behavior, and health problems are perceived as a side effect. To reduce it, an alcoholic increases the dose, duration, and frequency of drinking alcohol.

An illogical attitude towards alcohol is explained by the influence of a pathological habit. A person unconsciously associates alcohol with positive changes and perceives it as an aid, ignoring the destructive effect on physical and mental health.

What to do?

How to live correctly - you need to decide for yourself. You need to try, first of all, to find yourself. To feel not like the wife of an alcoholic, but a separate person from him. If you decide to break up - break up, no - you will have to endure, but not lose yourself. You need to find something to live for - another interest that is not related to the constant “rescue” operation. If, in caring for another, a wife does not take care of herself, forgets about her needs and interests, this brings harm to her and the one she cares about. We must become responsible for ourselves and allow others to be responsible for ourselves.

And we must not forget that alcoholism is, fortunately, a treatable disease. If the alcoholic wants to, he will cope with it, and a doctor will help him. When asking his wife for support, he must try to gain her trust. The addict himself must want to be cured. If he doesn’t understand this and doesn’t intend to stop drinking, treatment will not lead to anything positive. Here you have to be patient until he himself comes to the idea of ​​treatment. When a person says that he drinks, but cannot stop, this is the right moment to provide help and begin treatment.

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