Even with the most wonderful husband, at times you become angry, irritated, and don’t understand why he does something this way and not another way, while he doesn’t do other things at all. I would like to explain to him, but, oddly enough, the words of “truth” make few people happy, and tension appears in the relationship. How can you learn to manage your emotions, improve your relationship with your husband, without breaking yourself or pretending?
Today I want to share a three-step technique that helps me and many other women create a loving family life!
My husband has nervous breakdowns. What to do?
The story of our heroine “ I’m living again and waiting for my husband to have another breakdown,” comments Tatyana Alekseevna Afonskaya, psychologist-psychotherapist, Ph.D., member of the psychotherapeutic league, conducting an appointment at the medical clinic.
Why do nervous breakdowns occur?
A nervous breakdown can be described as severe psycho-emotional stress. In such a state, a person cannot control feelings, emotions, or even actions. In fact, a nervous breakdown is a consequence of an exacerbation of neurosis. A nervous breakdown does not come out of nowhere and has very specific causes, for example, being in stressful situations for a long time or a sudden event that caused psychological trauma.
Constant stress and anxiety, feelings of anxiety and irritation - all this can be attributed to signs of a nervous breakdown. Often the reason for this is emotional exhaustion, when a person takes on many tasks but fails to cope with them, becomes overtired and can no longer control himself.
When a nervous breakdown occurs, everything around you is annoying. The person loses the feeling of pleasure, experiences nervous exhaustion and physical fatigue. However, this phenomenon also has its advantages. Thus, a nervous breakdown can be called a way of psycho-emotional relief, helping the psyche get out of this state. Thanks to this, more complex pathologies do not develop, and the human psycho-emotional state quickly returns to normal.
Symptoms of a nervous breakdown fall into three groups: emotional, behavioral, and physical. Each group manifests differently, but they can all be present in a nervous breakdown at the same time. Such a display of emotions is a morally difficult test for others, especially family members. When a calm and friendly person suddenly shows aggression, anger and indifference, family members take such reactions personally and look for the reason within themselves. In the heroine’s story, the husband has many tasks that he is not able to cope with physically and, as a result, emotionally. All this gives rise to overwork, leading to nervous stress.
Nervous breakdowns cannot be ignored. This is a real disease that requires appropriate therapy. Nervous breakdowns are dangerous, because during their manifestation people commit rash acts, conflict with others and undermine their health (nervous breakdowns cause headaches and pressure surges, the emergence of phobias and anxiety disorders and ultimately lead to mental disorders).
In our heroine’s story, the main possible reason for her husband’s stress is the mortgage, which must be paid regularly. The frequency of breakdowns coincides with this - mostly once a month. Purely rationally, its size can be reduced, for example, temporarily changing a 3-room apartment to a 2-room one. This will reduce the amount of payment. Or rent out one room (temporarily), which will allow you to generate additional income.
How to deal with them, is it necessary, or is it useless? What to do if you have a nervous breakdown?
A nervous breakdown is not immediate. This is a long process, divided into stages. To take action in advance, you need to listen to the person’s internal state, tracking the cause and preparing for the outburst of emotions consciously. One of the easiest ways to suppress aggression is to put off important things and rest. If a person regularly experiences nervous breakdowns, he needs to reconsider his daily routine, finding more time for relaxation and communication. Negative emotions need to be given an outlet. Close people should develop some kind of communication ritual in advance in order to minimize resentment over claims and insults. If you feel that your loved one is on the verge and is about to snap, then try to agree with him in advance about a warning. Let him tell his family that he is feeling bad now, ask them to leave him alone or get help.
Here are some tips for our heroine:
– You shouldn’t show strong emotions when your husband has a nervous breakdown.
– Do not react to rudeness (it is important to understand that the person is in a difficult psychological state, but this is temporary).
– It is worth using tactile contacts that will help him calm down faster (take him by the hand, stroke his head, hug, etc.).
– Do not discuss the situation of a breakdown until the person finally splashes out his emotions, discuss everything only in a state of calm.
– Offer your husband some physical activity (moderate) that neutralizes stress hormones.
– Give your husband a sedative (for example, mint or lemon balm tea), and also suggest he sleep.
– Contact a specialist (together) - a psychologist, neurologist, psychiatrist or neuropsychiatrist.
Why does my husband criticize?
Remember, women: taking insults as a reason to improve is wrong! A man humiliates you not because you are bad, he is pursuing his own goals. Let us list the main reasons why a wife becomes the object of destructive criticism.
Low self-esteem and desire to establish yourself at the expense of your wife
Your husband is a person who is not confident in himself; he is consumed from the inside by complexes and contradictions. There are several ways to increase self-esteem: achieve success, love yourself for who you are and... that’s right - put others down! After all, if I see another person who is ugly, bad and armless, then I am myself!
The husband devalues the woman, becoming stronger and smarter in his own eyes.
The desire to impose guilt and dominate a woman
“Who needs you, incompetent?”
“Who besides me will sleep with such a fearful person?”
“What are you without me?”
The systematic repetition of such phrases can instill in a woman who is not self-confident, complete powerlessness in the face of life: “Indeed, if I lose him, I will be completely lost.”
Self-esteem falls with every insult and the wife has no choice but to indulge the desires of the tyrant, make excuses, consider him a king and God.
And that’s all a man needs: he lives as he wants, uses the girl as he needs. Why try, because it won’t go anywhere! The woman herself will not notice how the plinth rises above her to an unattainable height.
The woman chose the role of the girl and the victim
You are a victim in life. You don’t want to decide anything, take responsibility for your life. And it happens that a woman has imputed guilt to herself for something and believes that she deserves nothing but scourging and insults.
Such a girl will not attract anyone but a tyrant and despot into her life. They will meet - the victim and the executioner. This is the most severe case, since verbal abuse can turn physical over time. You can correct the situation only with the help of a psychologist by completely changing yourself. The transformation of a wife, as a rule, is always unexpected for the husband, but his behavior begins to change.
The husband takes out his dissatisfaction in other areas of life on his wife
A man is always aimed at society. This is a woman who, if everything is good in the family, everything is settled, there is money, children are in place, she can feel fulfilled.
Any male is drawn to the outside world, to conquer peaks and hunt mammoths. If things don’t go well outside the home, tension builds up in a man. Lack of decent income, persecution at work - the reasons can be listed endlessly.
Internal discontent requires letting off steam, but where? To colleagues and friends? So they will misunderstand, and they can answer, no matter how little it seems.
And the wife is always there, like she’s her own, she’s not going anywhere. So the guy starts criticizing for any reason or without.
He doesn't know any other way
With the development of psychology as a science, we began to understand that everything in our lives comes from childhood. If your husband grew up in a family where the man clearly dominated, and the mother meekly listened to him, then he simply does not know how to behave with a woman on an equal footing and with respect. He absorbed the scenario of suppressing and criticizing a woman with his mother’s milk.
Why do men criticize women | How to respond to criticism
These are the main reasons for criticism and insults from the husband. In order to develop a strategy for further behavior, you need to understand which of these reasons is the main one.
I snap at my husband
Tatyana, hello!
First of all, I suggest you figure out the reason for your anger at your husband. Several options are possible.
Option #1. During pregnancy, a woman's hormonal levels change greatly, and this can lead to emotional instability. I would like to tell you that many pregnant women suffer from strong emotions that are difficult to control. If you began to lash out at your husband during pregnancy, and this did not happen before (or happened, but not to such an extent), most likely your reactions are influenced by the state of pregnancy. If this is so, then the anger will completely go away when your hormonal levels stabilize. You can make your reactions less intense. First, discuss your condition with your husband, explain to him that you cannot completely control your emotions. Apologize if your anger was unfounded or excessive. Ask your husband for support. Ask him to react calmly to your emotional outbursts if possible (after all, if he begins to get irritated in response, your irritation will also intensify). You can also agree to take a break if a fight is brewing and go to separate rooms to cool down. I strongly advise you that during such a pause, write a letter to your husband on a piece of paper about what is boiling inside. Write down everything you would like to tell him. Our brain is designed in such a way that during the experience of strong emotions, rational thinking “turns off.” Prescribing will give you the opportunity to express your emotions, “switch on” rational thinking, and will also help you better analyze your dissatisfaction in order to then convey to your husband what does not suit you in a constructive manner. After a pause, when the emotions have subsided, it is very important to return to the conversation and tell your husband about the reasons for your irritation. Remember that irritation cannot be stored inside or tried to be contained. This will only lead to you eventually exploding in anger. Therefore, if you feel irritated, try to translate it into a constructive direction: first think carefully about what exactly does not suit you, what actions you expect from your husband, and then tell your husband about your dissatisfaction in the correct form. Read about how to express your dissatisfaction correctly in the article on my website here: https://psy-victory.ru/kak-pravilno-vyskazyvat-svoe-nedovolstvo-i-kritikovat
Option #2. It is possible that you lashed out at your husband before pregnancy, and in your relationship there is a chronic reason for dissatisfaction with each other, or during pregnancy, due to changes in your life situation, new reasons for your irritation appeared. In this case, think about what exactly causes you irritation. The best way to eliminate dissatisfaction with each other is through dialogue. So far, you tend to express your dissatisfaction too aggressively. Most people, when yelled at, become defensive and do not seek to understand their opponent. This is a natural reaction. In order for your husband to hear you, look for constructive ways to convey to him the reasons for your dissatisfaction. Read the article linked above. If you are unable to figure out the reasons for your irritation on your own, or if you are unable to conduct a constructive dialogue with your husband, I recommend contacting a psychologist.
Wish you luck!
I take it out on my husband and small child (2 answers)
Sincerely, Victoria Grizodub, psychologist in Moscow and Domodedovo
Good answer5 Bad answer2
