Codependency in Relationships: How to Get Rid of It: 12 Steps

Codependency is an abnormally strong attachment to a person. This is a form of relationship in which total control becomes the norm. One of the partners is painfully attached to the other, who, as a rule, has his own dependence. It turns out that one person is dependent on chemicals, and the second is dependent on the addict. The interaction between them is a constant tangle of conflicts, rejection and the inability to free themselves. Let's learn how to identify codependency in relationships and get rid of it.

Codependency in relationships - destruction of one's own personality
7 steps to freedom from codependency
The main thing about codependency in relationships and ways to get rid of it

Basic concept

The concept comes from clinical psychology and narcology. Codependent relationships are those relationships in which one person suffers from some kind of addiction, and his close and dear people suffer from psychological dependence on him. Let's look at an example.

It may sound strange, but, for example, the wife of an alcoholic is interested in her husband continuing to drink. After all, while he drinks, she feels needed and important. Yes, he will make a row, maybe hit her, but then someone will have to bring the alcoholic water and a pill, take him to the doctor and otherwise play the savior. In psychology, this is called the Karpman triangle: victim, aggressor, savior. However, this is not the only thing that characterizes codependent relationships. All actions, thoughts and states of their participants are intertwined.

So, let's define two similar terms. What is codependency and dependence:

Addiction is an irresistible attraction, an obsessive desire to possess something or someone. Attraction is uncontrollable; the need for the object of dependence pushes all other needs into the background.
Codependency is a condition in which one person is preoccupied with the problems and life of another person. He dissolves in the other participant in the relationship, forgets about himself, his problems and needs. Control over a dependent person and helping him becomes the meaning of life for the codependent member of the relationship.

Love addiction and psychotherapy

Some ALZ members saw psychologists before joining the program, and some combine the 12-step methodology and work with a specialist.

The attitude of the psychological community towards ALZ and other similar initiatives is ambiguous. Many recognize the effectiveness of this method, but express doubts that spirituality is an appropriate basis for building healthy relationships with the world.

Some believe that instead of one dependence (on a partner), a person acquires another - from a community, an abstract higher power, or a religious God.

The personality structure does not change, and the problem underlying the disorder remains unresolved. However, many studies of other 12-step programs (mostly Alcoholics Anonymous) show the effectiveness of this model.

We talked to psychologists working in different areas with love addiction.

NLP, CBT, Gestalt

Clinical psychologist Natalya Oshemkova (NLP, CBT):
“To determine a treatment method, we must first find out what we are dealing with - a situational disorder (a person is worried about a painful breakup) or a stable pattern. In the second case, love addiction is just a symptom of deeper personal problems: low self-esteem, anxiety, misunderstanding of oneself. A person decides that he cannot exist without a partner and that no one will love him.
At the same time, many have a history of several relationships.
You can work with the client’s beliefs, synchronizing the picture of the world in your head (“nobody needs me”) and objective reality (the person has been in a relationship several times, he has friends).
This is done using cognitive behavioral therapy techniques.
Sometimes a person comes in a “hot” state: he experiences severe pain due to a recent breakup, he is haunted by obsessive thoughts about his ex-partner. Then you can use NLP techniques, such as visualization. The client imagines the physical connection with the ex as a rope or chain and breaks it, and then throws the free end of his piece onto an inspiring image of himself in the future (the same can be done for the object of dependence).
Sometimes people come after a long relationship. You just need to “burn out” the breakup. Hypnosis techniques or Gestalt therapy techniques are suitable for this.”

Signs of codependency

Whatever the dependence in a codependent relationship, they all have a common basis: the codependent participant is endowed with low self-esteem, and the addict behaves like a capricious child and is infantile.

What else is characteristic of a codependent person:

self-hatred, non-acceptance of oneself;
guilt;
the desire to earn love for the care and guardianship of the addict;
anger and aggression (usually suppressed);
dependence on the opinions of others;
inability to accept compliments;
the need to be needed, significant, in demand;
lack of opinion;
complete suppression of oneself as an individual (all strength goes into living life as an addict).

Both participants in a codependent relationship have depressive tendencies; in families with codependency, sex life comes to naught. Both participants are hidden, stingy with emotions, and do not know how to calmly talk to each other.

It is not customary to talk about codependency, although even more often it is not noticed by the participants themselves. The same cannot be said about addiction. It’s hard not to notice, but again, it’s not customary to “wash dirty linen in public.” And in especially advanced cases, patients deny the existence of a problem.

Who is a codependent?

A dependent person is someone who suffers from addiction (computer, food, alcohol, drugs, etc.). And who can fall into the category of codependent people:

spouse, lover, cohabitant of a dependent person;
parents of the addict;
children of an addict;
addicts in post-morbit and pre-morbit state.

Important information about codependent relationships. What motivates people to find themselves in them again and again?

When a child grows up in a family where events constantly occur that cause a lot of painful, difficult feelings in him. For example, repeated domestic violence, dad gets drunk regularly, parents constantly argue, etc.

Then he needs to somehow adapt to the difficult environment in which he grows up in order to survive. And as such an adaptation, he learns not to feel anything, i.e. suppress your feelings and experiences, using various psychological defenses.

As a result of such suppression of feelings, a person, when he becomes an adult, cannot rely on his feelings. Because of this, he cannot understand whether what is happening in his relationship is normal or not. Is such a relationship suitable for him or not?

And as a result, he spends years in a toxic environment and toxic relationships without even realizing it. Since childhood, he has been accustomed to suppressing his feelings. And when he grew up, he continued to do this in his codependent relationships.

When he experiences discomfort and painful feelings that signal to him that something needs to be changed in the relationship. He tries to suppress them, somehow get rid of these feelings, drown them out. Instead of changing your relationship by solving the problem that caused these feelings. Or instead of breaking up with your partner.

When we grow up in a family with codependent, unhealthy relationships, we develop different ways of adapting to this environment where we find ourselves. Which help us survive.

But unfortunately, this leads to such consequences that, due to these same protective methods of adaptation, we begin not to notice reality, not to notice toxicity. And what helped us survive in childhood leads us, as adults, to repeat those painful stories that happened in our family in childhood.

For example, to cope with situations of repeated violence, a girl explains to herself that nothing bad is being done to her. This protects her from pain and helps her survive in an environment that she cannot change.

But when she grows up, she again finds herself in an abusive relationship and does not leave it because she explains to herself that nothing bad is actually happening in her relationship, and that what is being done to her is not abuse.

This is roughly how our defenses work. And therefore we can build codependent relationships again and again in our adult lives.

How does codependency manifest and why is it dangerous?

The fixation on the life of an addict is noticeable even in his speech: “we drink,” “we started a row again yesterday.” This is similar to how a mother talks about her child: “we ate”, “it’s too early for us to do this”, etc. This is a characteristic feature of codependency: one plays the role of a stupid, naughty child, and the other takes care of him and forgives his pranks.

Where to go for codependents

You can turn to friends and relatives for moral support, and for professional help - to a psychologist, psychiatrist and narcologist. You can also visit social centers or call a helpline and talk about your situation. Consultants will tell you where it is best for you to turn for help.

Attitude towards the creation of a certain trend of codependency

The problem of codependency was first discussed in the 40s in the West. Wives of alcoholics and drug addicts began to unite into groups themselves in order to survive family trouble. This attracted the attention of scientists, and since then active study of the phenomenon has begun. And since the 90s, rehabilitation centers have been created in Russia to help families of alcoholics and drug addicts. The centers employ doctors, social educators and psychologists. Sometimes clergy are invited.

Love Addicts Anonymous

The Love Addicts Anonymous program (ALZ or LAA - short for Love Addicts Anonymous) brings together people who want to get rid of obsessive thoughts about love. The community consists of groups and chats for self- and mutual help.

ALZ meetings resemble meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous and other 12-step communities. They take place regularly, several times a week, in different cities offline and online. The only condition for joining LAA is the desire to recover and get rid of love addiction. The organization has no entrance or membership fees; it exists on voluntary donations.

To understand whether you have an addiction according to the criteria of ALD, it is proposed to take a test by answering “yes” or “no” to 40 statements.

Examples from the test

You become very dependent when it comes to relationships.
You fall in love very easily and quickly.
When you fall in love, you can't stop dreaming—even while doing things that are important to you. You can't help yourself.
Sometimes when you're lonely and looking for companionship, you lower your expectations and settle for less than you want or deserve.
When you are in a relationship, you tend to “smother” your partner.

If you answered yes in 20 cases or more, you have a love addiction.

“At first I felt terrible resistance as soon as I saw the list of criteria. And I told myself that this is not about me. But after a year and a half, I again “fell into love addiction” - and made up my mind.”
Nastya M.

Many addicts try to solve their problems on their own before coming to the program. Sometimes they manage to live a normal life for a while:

“I tried (as best I could) to build relationships, but it didn’t work out with anyone. After a few meetings, everything came to naught. Either my failed partner didn’t like me, or he didn’t like me.
It seemed to me that I simply needed sex (what if I was depressed due to its absence?) - and I dated, pursuing this goal (unconsciously, of course), found the appropriate men, then worried and did not understand why everything was so sad and where The One.
I thought that with the creation of a family, depression would end, life would get better and be like everyone else’s. Like all normal people."
Elena M.

12 steps

All 12-step programs follow the same principles, but differ slightly in content. At each stage, participants should complete some task: admit their problem and powerlessness over it in the first step, turn to a higher power, ask for help, make amends to those who suffered from their addiction, and focus on spirituality.

The steps can be completed independently or in a mini-group. For help, you should contact more experienced program participants - “sponsors”. If difficult emotions come over you or you are tempted to lash out, you can call one of your new ALZ acquaintances to get support.

Steps
We admitted our powerlessness over love, romance, fantasy and relationships; admitted that our lives had become unmanageable.
We have come to believe that only a force greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity.
We decided to entrust our will and our lives to God as we understood Him.
They deeply and fearlessly assessed themselves and their lives from a moral point of view.
Admitted to God, ourselves, and any other person the true nature of our errors.
We have fully prepared ourselves for God to remove all our shortcomings.
We humbly asked Him to correct our shortcomings.
We made a list of all those people whom we had harmed, and were filled with the desire to make amends to them.
Personally compensated for the damage caused to these people wherever possible, except in cases where it could harm them or someone else.
They continued to introspect and when they made mistakes, they immediately admitted it.
We sought, through prayer and meditation, to deepen our contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us to do and for the power to do it.
Having achieved the spiritual awakening that these steps led to, we have strived to convey the meaning of our ideas to others and to apply these principles in all our affairs.

Atheists often have problems turning to a higher power. We can understand it not in a religious sense, but simply as something beyond our control: like fate, external circumstances, unconditional love in the hearts of people, etc., and the corresponding steps are taken to separate what we are responsible for and what we have the strength for, from what happens against our will.

Community

Mutual support and closeness, understanding and acceptance in the community are what all our respondents paid special attention to. Independent psychologists also note that working in a group is one of the most important bonuses of ALZ and other similar techniques.

“There are a lot of sick people in our program: everyone, as a rule, has a tragic or traumatic childhood, difficult destinies. It’s not surprising that this leads to such problems in adulthood.”
Elena M.
“I really like our rules.
It is forbidden to give advice or make value judgments in the community so as not to violate boundaries. You can share experiences, ask, receive and offer support.
I used to invade other people's personal space myself, but I learned not to do that. This increases the overall psychological literacy of the participants.”
Tanya R.
“They think and feel differently than normal people. They hear, do not hurt, live in a different spiritual dimension. They are awakening. That's what makes me happy and that's why I love them. Many of my friends, including my best one, are participants in the program. We are on the same wave".
Elena M.
“Before, it seemed to me that I was the only one in the whole world with such problems. When I listened to similar stories, I felt acceptance and liberation. For me, it was a way out of the isolation in which I found myself during my relationship with the object of my addiction.”
Tanya R.

Love quarantine

ALZ has tools to help people heal, such as non-contact and limited contact.

The community website provides the following explanation:

“No contact rules are a gift you give yourself to help you control your compulsive behavior, overcome your dependence on the person, and begin the healing process. No contact also means no new pain. <…>
No personal conversations: the relationship is over, or you want it to end. This means that you do not engage in conversations with the OZ [object of addiction. — Approx. ed.]. How often do we feel obliged to “have the last word” or convince someone in a conversation that he should not leave! But a breakup is a breakup because at least one participant doesn't want to be in the relationship. This decision should be respected. <…>
No sex: Sometimes we use sex as a manipulation to regain HP, or to feel closeness through physical contact. But when the relationship is over, the additional bonuses disappear.
Sex after a breakup is just sex. And often humiliating.
NK [non-contact. — Approx. ed.] means no sex with your OZ, or with any casual acquaintance or friend of OZ (for the purpose of inciting jealousy or simply to speed up the breakup process). Sex without love robs you of your self-respect and dignity. You deserve better." [Spelling and punctuation of the original have been preserved. — Approx. ed.]

And no communication! Telephone calls, SMS, correspondence by email and instant messengers are prohibited. You cannot follow the addict on social networks and try to catch him at events. It is also not allowed to communicate with OZ’s friends and relatives or even fantasize about him.

Limited contact

It is not always possible to completely block communication channels. Sometimes you share children, work, and even living space with your ex-partner. Some people struggle with addiction while still in a relationship with the addict.

With limited contact, you can enter into dialogue only when necessary:

“...it is important to deprive communication of the emotional component. Don't allow anger, sadness, regret, anxiety, or any other emotion to come through when interacting with the OZ. Emotions will make you vulnerable to him/her and create the preconditions for additional, unnecessary worries, confusion and communication that will set you back in terms of recovery.”

It is better to write a message than to call, or to resolve the issue over the phone rather than meeting in person.

Lower limits

If an alcoholic begins to get carried away after the first drink, then in the mind of a love addict there is also a “toggle switch” that transfers him to a “state of intoxication”, when a person is immersed in illusions, fantasies, and savoring his own experiences. It is important to track this moment in order to understand what actions are pushing you into the abyss. For some, such a trigger is visiting an ex’s page on social networks, checking when the user was last online, or an invitation to communicate. At these moments, it may be tempting to interrupt non-contact and return to the way of life and thoughts that you so wanted to get rid of.

You can understand what becomes the “first drink” by the consequences. For Maria, who had recently come to the program, crossing the lower limit was visiting the place where her addict often spent time and looking at photos of them together. A few months after the breakup, anxious and sad thoughts practically stopped visiting her, but they would creep into her head again as soon as she returned there or opened a folder with memorable photographs.

Diary of feelings

This tool allows you to better understand your own feelings and also understand how to change behavior to take better care of yourself in the future. In a diary you can describe everything that happens in life, emotions and needs caused by various events, as well as actions taken under their influence and the result.

Example
Situation: we stayed late at my house. I really want to sleep, but I already promised the object of my addiction that I would take him home. He missed the last bus. As always, he has no money. If I suggest a taxi option, he may be offended. I'm afraid to seem weak, lazy, and unable to plan my time.
Feelings: shame, fear, self-loathing, feeling trapped.
Needs: for care, for independence, for ease, for justice.
Actions: I take him, but on the way I get myself a coffee.
Result: I didn’t get enough sleep. I decide next time to offer to finish early so he can catch the bus.

HALT

Our behavior largely depends on the state we are in when we perform certain actions. If you monitor it and take care of yourself, you can reduce the risk of breakdowns and avoid behaviors that we are trying to wean ourselves from.

HALT
(English lit. “Stop!”). This is an abbreviation for the expression Am I... ("I am now...")
...hungry ( hungry
)?
...angry ( angry
)?
...lonely ( lonely
)?
…tired ( tired
)?”

Gratitude journal

Many also write down all the positive events of the day, everything for which they can say thank you to fate. A gratitude journal helps you realize that life is not such a bad thing, there are many joyful moments in it, but sometimes we don’t notice it, concentrating on the pain.

“My perception of life has become more adequate. I started to notice so many things to be grateful for.”
Tanya R.

Causes of codependency

The tendency to codependency lives within the person himself. This is a feature of thinking and the result of upbringing. What distinguishes families in which children grow up with a victim mentality:

asociality;
addiction;
violence;
punishments;
humiliation;
prohibition on expressing feelings (“don’t cry”).

Social stereotypes also contribute. For example, in the minds of most people it is considered normal that in a Russian family the man drinks and beats, and the woman endures. Remember the terrible phrase “hitting means loving,” which for some reason scares not all people. Some people perceive it as truth.

It is important! A codependent person will constantly enter into such relationships. If he breaks up with an alcoholic, he will get along with a gambling addict, etc. The problem is not in the relationship, but in the codependent person. We need to change his thinking, attitude towards himself and the world.

Is love addiction a real diagnosis?

Researchers explain the nature of love addiction in different ways. It is often compared with other non-chemical addictions - for example, with gambling addiction, work and sex addiction, etc. There is no separate diagnosis in the ICD, but some psychotherapists refer to F63.8 “Other disorders of habits and drives.”

Craig Nakken writes about a special, “addictive” personality type, which is characterized by addictions as such, and not just one of them.

Psychiatrist and researcher Isaac Marx identified the following criteria for addiction:

At first it may seem that a person is simply passionate about something. A gambler looks like a gambling lover, a sexaholic looks like a temperamental person, a love addict looks like a romantic;
addictions differ in external manifestations (a gambling addict wastes money, a sexaholic finds another partner for one night, etc.);
a craving for “harmful” activities appears (in the case of love addiction - for dreams, fantasies, contacts with the object of addiction, persecution);
tension increases while a person endures and abstains, and subsides for a short time if he “lost it” and still does what he wanted;
after what happened, the addict is ashamed and sad;
after some time, withdrawal symptoms set in - the person wants to repeat the actions taken.

Apparently, the biological mechanisms of chemical and non-chemical addictions are similar: in both cases, addictions are associated with the processing of signals entering the reward system. A lack of dopamine pushes you to seek substances or perform actions (gambling, drugs), which release this hormone and create a feeling of pleasure.

Love addicts often have other psychological problems and illnesses. Some respondents were diagnosed with anxiety disorder and depression, low self-esteem and lack of self-understanding.

Might be interesting

Are we facing an epidemic of anxiety disorders?

The terms “love addiction” and “codependency” are often confused and sometimes used interchangeably. In other cases, only the spouses and children of those who abuse alcohol, drugs, etc. are called codependent. Many love addicts actually grew up in dysfunctional families, but there are also those who find it difficult to reproach their parents, educators and partners for something similar. In specialized literature, codependency is also sometimes understood as “the dependence of two people on each other.”

In another approach, what we call “love addiction” is considered an attachment disorder, which means that Marx’s criteria and corresponding treatment methods are not applicable here. In his videos, Alan Robarge, a psychotherapist who works with deviations of this kind, says that in the case of “dependent” behavior, the root of the problem should not be sought in addictive patterns, but in the fact that in childhood the person’s process of forming a secure attachment was disrupted.

As adults, such people experience bursts of panic when the object of their feelings does not demonstrate involvement: ignores messages, does not return calls or does not open up to their partner during communication, remaining emotionally unavailable.

Stages of codependency

Codependency develops in three stages. Each of them has its own characteristics (Darlin Lancer classification).

Early stage

What is characteristic of the first stage:

Attachment to the dependent. Offering your help and support. Present.
The desire to earn the favor of the addict will please him.
Active interest in the life of the addict. Finding out the reasons for his actions, analyzing life situations.
Searching for an excuse for an addict: “he drinks because his parents laid down such a program.”
Denial of addiction: “he’s not an alcoholic, he just likes to relax after work.”
Giving up one's interests, for example, confinement within four walls in order to control the husband's behavior.
Narrowing your social circle. At most, those people remain to whom the codependent complains about his fate. Or contacts in general are reduced only to discussing work issues.
The mood and behavior of the codependent directly depends on the mood and behavior of the addict.

Middle stage

Signs of the middle stage:

Denial or downplaying of the consequences: “yes, I stole money, but the amount is still small.”
Defending an addict through white lies. Hiding the fact that he drinks.
Self-blame, worries, anxiety (“Am I doing something wrong, since he drinks anyway”).
Isolation from family, friends, acquaintances.
An even greater decrease in self-esteem.
Even greater control over the addict.
Manipulation, accusations towards the addict (“you want my death”).
Anger and confusion when feigned attempts to bring the addict back to life do not yield results (for example, wives like to send their husbands to healers instead of a qualified narcologist).
The realization that life revolves around the addict, and the situation is beyond control.
Emotional instability, psychosomatic illnesses and other problems independent of the addict’s state.
Removing responsibility from the addict, further justifying his behavior.
The unspoken rule within the family is “don’t talk about it,” “no one should know.”
Development of the same or another addiction in a codependent. Some wives start drinking or drinking in company so that the alcoholic gets less. Others begin to seize the problem.

Late stage

All previous symptoms persist and get worse. What else:

constantly depressed mood;
strong dependence;
constant feeling of emptiness and indifference;
feeling of hopelessness, hopelessness;
psychosomatic diseases;
even greater control over the addict, even to the point of violence, attempts to punish and teach a lesson.

Codependency is a mental condition or disease

Codependency is a mental condition, but addiction is a disease. One way or another, both participants in the relationship need inpatient treatment from a psychotherapist. Family and individual consultations are indicated.

"Inner child" without projections

How to get out of the shackles of codependency? Berry and Janey Weinhold suggest analyzing our situation and reconsidering our views on many things that seem obvious to us. To begin with, you can take a test to identify signs of unfinished processes in childhood on the codependency scale.

The Wineholds represent the so-called evolutionary approach to the problem.

“Painful and distressing events can be viewed as developmental crises rather than emotional disorders or mental illnesses. Here are key principles to help you understand the causes of codependency:

Human development is a continuous process, from the moment of conception until death. This process is sequential: one stage helps to form the next;
any developmental task that could not be overcome at the appropriate age becomes “additional baggage” later. If many tasks are not solved in the required sequence, human development is overloaded and disrupted;
incomplete stages of development will strive for completion at every opportunity. Any situation that reminds you of some past event at an unfinished stage of development will bring this unfinished process to the fore. People say they are filled with old feelings or memories of the past. They feel like they are rubber-banded to the original emotional experience when they first tried to complete this stage...”

Psychosomatics and codependency

Systematic suppression of emotions and living a life that is not one’s own sooner or later leads to the development of psychosomatics in the codependent participant in the relationship. Popular manifestations include general weakness, heart disease, sleep disorders, and gastrointestinal pathologies. But in general, reactions depend on the individual characteristics of the person.

Female codependency

Women are more likely than men to find themselves in codependent relationships. This is due to the fear of loneliness, the example of the mother (“this is my cross”), parental attitudes such as “a woman must be obedient”, “a man must be alone for life.” Women who are accustomed to the role of victim find themselves in codependent relationships. They learned it with their mother's milk. And until they turn to a psychotherapist, they will find new tyrants or tolerate the same man.

Codependency in relationships

Signs of a codependent relationship:

Both or one of the participants defines their identity exclusively through the prism of relationships, that is, they cannot imagine themselves without them.
The mood, actions and opinion of one participant depend on the mood of the other participant.
Consciously feeding addiction, limiting one’s freedom and that of a partner.
One of the participants does not perceive himself as a whole person, an independent unit.
A codependent person fills the void in his soul with relationships, runs away from himself or loneliness.
Participants have no or very blurred personal boundaries.
One or both participants do not trust their own opinion, but they listen to the opinion of their partner.
In relationships there is jealousy and idealization of the partner.
One or both partners feel guilty if they relax while the other works.
Guessing and interpretation are used instead of normal communication and expression of feelings.
Power struggle, manipulation. To get attention and care, one partner may pretend to be sick or actually get sick (psychosomatics).
Total control, conditions and confusion of responsibilities.

People who are dependent on other people's opinions enter into codependent relationships. They do not see themselves as individuals, and therefore complement themselves with others, dissolving in them.

Codependency in alcoholism

Codependency in alcoholism has slightly different features. Here there is a chemical dependence of the addict and a partner’s dependence on the addict. We have already talked about this a lot. Let us only add that such families rarely realize the codependent nature of the relationship and unconsciously support the dependence.

Codependency in drug addiction

Codependency in drug addiction is no different from codependency in alcoholism or other chemical addiction. The codependent also justifies the partner’s behavior, also tries to save him, and is also unconsciously interested in maintaining the addiction. It gets to the point where one participant in the relationship allows the other to cook or store drugs at home, believing that it is safer. Or allows you to use soft drugs instead of hard ones.

What are the dangers of codependent relationships?

As already mentioned, codependency is the shifting of responsibility for one’s internal state to external factors. Satisfaction of one's desires is associated with a specific person. That is, we believe that we will find what we don’t have in someone else. As a rule, in such cases, hopes for love and happiness end in disappointment and depression.

Codependent relationships do not bring anything good to either partner for many reasons:

The stronger the belief that happiness can only be achieved through another person, the weaker the ability to satisfy one’s needs on one’s own becomes. And over time, the relationship becomes even more dependent. And as with any type of addiction, what once helped begins to harm.
When a dependent person places all his hopes for a prosperous future on his partner, sooner or later he may not be able to avoid bitter disappointment and even hatred towards him because he did not live up to expectations.
Trying to please a partner, an addicted person betrays his true needs and feelings.
The love of an addicted person is always associated with jealousy, fear, reproaches, suspicion and claims. In such relationships, trust is always lacking.

There can be no trust in a relationship

Suppressing the feeling of codependency often manifests itself in an attempt to displace internal dissatisfaction with something else: overeating, drinking, gambling. The listed factors can ultimately lead to the complete destruction of the individual.
A dependent person places expectations on a partner, which are inherently a weak form of demand. And a demand is aggression directed at another person, at oneself, or at life in general.
Sooner or later, the partner of an addicted person gets tired of being who he wants him to be. After all, every person wants to be free from imposed roles.
Trying to control someone else's life leads to the loss of your own individuality.
Codependent relationships are like emotional swings. Periods of calm are inevitably followed by periods of violent scandals.
A codependent person suppresses his freedom and reduces his own importance. However, at the same time, he oppresses the freedom of his partner.
When a person delves too deeply into a relationship, someday his spiritual wounds hidden deep inside will be revealed.

Wounds are opened

A codependent person is doomed to suffering and worry. After all, he does not have inner love for himself, so he tries to fill this gap with the love of another person. But no partner is able to completely compensate for the inner emptiness. Even while in a relationship, a dependent person experiences a feeling of loneliness and rarely feels joy.
Codependent relationships gradually deprive both partners of strength and energy. Each of them develops anxiety, impulsiveness and self-doubt.

Ways of deliverance

For healing, it is better to contact a psychologist and narcologist. The specialist will select the optimal rehabilitation program. In total, there are hundreds of programs that tell you how to get rid of codependency. Let's look at the most popular 12 Step program.

12 step program

Codependency develops on average six months after living with an addict. But the psychological climate in the family, the individual psychological characteristics of the participants, and the specifics of the place of residence and work also have an impact.

One way or another, the same thing happens in every family - the addict’s spouse loses his Self. The 12 Steps recovery program allows you to gradually realize the presence of a problem, the importance of freedom and self-expression, and the need to return to your life.

Farewell to illusions

Bring the problem to a conscious level. To do this, understand the danger of the situation. Can an addict deprive you of your home, your job, your life? Try to look at the situation from a sober perspective. Now accept the fact that you cannot change the situation on your own. You need help from qualified specialists.

Finding the Source of Power

So, it's time to admit that you are not omnipotent, you cannot cope with the problem alone. This means you need to find support. Here everyone has their own methods: faith in God, consultations with a psychologist, communication with friends and relatives, anonymous communication on the Internet, a helpline. If you have never told anyone about the problem, then it's time to take this step.

Decision-making

Determine that in moments of instability you will turn to a source of strength. But promise yourself that this will not become a new codependency or addiction. Think of it as a crutch, help in a difficult situation, an opportunity to take time to analyze the situation.

Analysis of the situation

Constantly compare your impulses to help the addict and objective reality. A source of strength will help you with this. The best option is to visit a psychotherapist.

Repentance

During the recovery process, you will certainly feel guilty. Both in front of yourself and in front of the addict. Don't carry it inside yourself, accept it and let it out. Find the reasons for your behavior, the origins of self-destructive attitudes and victim thinking. Accept this experience and draw conclusions.

Morale

Say goodbye to old relationships and old thinking. A new life awaits you, you must desire it and understand the impossibility of living the previous scenario.

Specific actions

The most difficult stage. Guilt and fear will interfere with you, but you must start living for yourself, leave the relationship, get a divorce, move out of the apartment. Even if you both have embarked on the path of rehabilitation, it is better to separate while you work on yourself. Then meet two adults and healthy people and decide whether a new relationship is possible.

Awareness

Realize that you also hurt someone, first of all, yourself. If there are children in the family, then codependent mothers understand their guilt towards them. Find the strength to ask for forgiveness, choose the words to speak face to face.

Compensation for damage

Think about how you can make up for your guilt. Analyze the situation and choose appropriate actions. Remember what you infringed on yourself, what you gave up for the sake of addiction. It's time to return to old interests or acquire new ones.

It is important! At this stage, as at others, it is useful to seek advice from a psychologist.

Self-rehabilitation

Regain control and rationality through regular self-analysis, summing up the results of the year and six months, admitting mistakes, and learning lessons. You must reveal yourself as a person, form your own worldview, and eliminate dependence on other people’s assessments.

Self-improvement mindset

Drawing on your source of strength, transform yourself and your life. Every cell of your body, every area of your life, you must correspond to new thinking and new principles of life.

Self-worth awareness

Become a productive member of society. This will give you back your self-respect, your sense of worth and importance. Become a volunteer, help people or animal shelters, take an active civic position. Give your life a new meaning that will be useful to both you and other people.

How to get out of a codependent relationship?

The problem of addiction is a matter of human maturity. And this factor is not subject to external circumstances. Usually, the desire to solve your partner's difficulties is a distraction from your own problems.
It is possible to get rid of codependency. Awareness of your addiction is the first step towards healing and freedom. This is an important moment that confirms the maturity of the individual. And when a person is internally free, he respects and appreciates the freedom of his partner.

Getting out of a codependent relationship should take place in several stages:

Describe your relationship with a man. State clearly what you don't like about them.
Determine your own role in your couple: tyrant, victim, controller . This is not always easy to understand, because no role is clear cut. So analyze your own emotions and the feelings that your partner evokes in you.
Listen to yourself. What makes you overprotective of your loved one? Maybe you want to seem good, or are you afraid that you will be abandoned? Face your fear. And having realized its true reason, think about what can be changed and how else it is possible to prove your love.
Describe your ideal relationship with your loved one. Decide what needs to be done to make the relationship harmonious.

To get out of a codependent relationship with a man, first of all, you need to work on yourself. This is long-term individual work aimed at making the center of your life not another person, but your loved one. Learn to be an integral, independent and free person. Until you find spiritual harmony and self-love, you will not be able to build a healthy relationship with any man.

You should strive for self-sufficiency when a person is happy with himself:

Always ask yourself what exactly you want. Accept the fact that your desires may not coincide with the desires of your spouse.
Give up the idea that without a connection with a man, your life will lose all meaning.
Understand your own feelings and thoughts. If it is difficult to do this on your own, seek help: read specialized literature, attend trainings, master spiritual practices.
Believe that you are able to cope with all circumstances on your own. Understand that if a person was given life, then along with it was the ability to solve problems that may arise in it.
Take care of yourself. This point is usually the most difficult for people. However, you must learn to think about your own needs, interests, health and relaxation. Give yourself love, respect and attention.

Remember that you are a full person, not someone else's half

Look for new meanings in life. Switch your attention from your relationship with your spouse to something else: your own career, hobbies, communication with friends, charity, etc.
Remember that a man should not be your whole world, but only one part of it.
Realize that you don't have to like everything your spouse likes. In healthy relationships, partners are interested in their partner's hobbies and even try something new for themselves. However, at the same time, people have the opportunity to pursue their hobbies separately from each other.

Self-confidence does not come overnight, but only over time. This may take more than one month. As you work to overcome codependency, be prepared for the fact that relationships don't always change for the better. After all, if a partner is interested in your or his addiction, then he will negatively perceive the changes happening to you. However, do not let this become an obstacle to your gaining inner freedom.

But recovery from codependency does not necessarily mean the destruction of relationships with your loved one.
You just need to learn to build certain boundaries.
They begin with accepting the partner’s personal space, respecting his feelings and decisions.
Reconsider your attitude towards love. It should not turn into a stranglehold for your loved one.

Learn the main principles of true love:

Love is a combination of freedom and intimacy.
Love is the free choice of two people. Moreover, each partner is able to live independently.
To love means to be there when necessary, and to step aside when psychological space becomes scarce.
Love is the desire to develop next to your soul mate.
Love does not require sacrifice. She is always joyful and inspiring.
Love is the ability to receive and give in equal measure.
Loving means accepting a person with his shortcomings and weaknesses.
Love is a commitment that we voluntarily give to another person.
Love means that a partner can be real. He doesn't have to pretend and has the right to make mistakes.

To prevent your relationship with a man from becoming codependent, strive to build it on a partnership based on respect for the feelings of the other person:

Realize that your husband is not your property. He is a person who voluntarily decided to walk the path of life with you so that you can develop together. Of course, it is not easy to let your loved one go free. But, according to the rules of life, the more freedom we give a person, the closer he becomes to us.
Don't control your partner. Give up the idea that only you know what is “best” for him.
Respect your spouse's needs.
Let your man be real around you. You can express your thoughts or feelings, but don't expect your husband to stop being himself. If you are not satisfied with his nature, then you should think about the prospects for your future relationship and rethink it.

Let him just be real

Love for no reason, and not out of fear of abandonment. Don't think about what you will get from a man. Accustom yourself to the fact that you and your spouse should have your own interests, which may or may not coincide.
Draw a clear line between helping your husband and solving problems for him. Give yourself the mindset to help not 100 percent, but fifty percent. Allow yourself not to be the only person who can solve your partner's problems.
Give the responsibility for a man’s life to him. Understand that an adult must be responsible for his own life. A sense of responsibility has a beneficial effect on all people. This gives a feeling of strength and freedom.
Don't try to persuade your husband to change for you. Accept him as he is. Understand that a person will not change until he wants to. Give up hopes that you can change someone. Change yourself and your attitude.

He should change not for your sake, but because he wants to!
Free yourself from the strong shackles of codependent relationships. Be the creator of your own life. And then you will be able to build relationships that are needed not for survival, but in order to share joy and happiness with your loved one.

Useful articles about relationships:

Should I give a second chance to a man, a husband after cheating, a friend?
17 reasons to leave a man, even if he swears love
Why does my husband always manipulate the divorce?
Advantages and disadvantages of being eternally single
How to survive a difficult divorce as a woman

Self-test: Are you codependent?

You can suspect yourself of codependency not only by analyzing the signs that we discussed above and contacting a psychologist, but also by using a test. For each statement, select one answer:

I don’t agree at all – 1 point;
more likely no than yes – 2 points;
not quite true – 3 points;
almost like that – 4 points;
more likely yes than no – 5 points;
completely agree – 6 points.

Test questions

I have difficulty making decisions.
I don't know how to refuse and say no.
It is difficult for me to accept compliments; I consider them undeserved.
Sometimes I almost get bored if there are no problems to solve.
I do not help unless asked, and I do not do for others what they can do themselves.
If I do something for myself, have a good time, then I feel guilty.
My anxiety is within normal limits.
I believe and convince myself that life will get better when my loved ones stop doing what they are doing now.
In relationships, I always do much more for others than they do for me.
Sometimes I become so focused on one person and my relationship that I forget about other people, relationships, and responsibilities.
I often get into relationships that hurt me.
I hide my emotions and feelings from others.
If someone offends me, then I keep silent about my feelings, harbor a grudge, and then “explode.”
I will do anything to avoid conflict.
I often experience fear and a sense of impending danger.
I often sacrifice my interests and needs for the sake of other people's interests.

Point amounts

Calculate your total score. To do this, add up all the answers, but in statements 5 and 7 use the reverse value. For example, if you bet 1, then count as 6.

Rate the result:

16–32 points – you are not in a codependent relationship;
33–60 points – moderate codependency;
61–96 points – severe stage of codependency.

What is a codependent relationship?

Over time, the term “codependency” has evolved. And now this definition is more often used to describe relationships in which the psychological and emotional boundaries of people are violated.
Codependency is an inappropriate need for another person and a focus on him. One might say, a pathological condition that is characterized by deep emotional, psychological and physical dependence on another person. The individual’s attention is focused not on his own life, but on the life of his partner.

Dependency
Codependent relationships can be expressed in different ways:

The two partners have inappropriate attachment to each other. Each of them defines himself through the prism of his relationship with his soul mate. Such codependency appears when two psychologically dependent people enter into a relationship. Neither of them is capable of acting autonomously, which is why they have an excessive need to stick together. In such codependent relationships, people do not so much provide support as they shift the burden of problems onto each other.
Only one of the partners is codependent, who completely connects his happiness with his loved one and thereby shifts all responsibility for achieving well-being onto him.

How codependency of one of the spouses usually manifests itself:

A person is too absorbed in his partner and defines his own identity only through his relationship with him. Without it, a dependent person simply cannot imagine his own existence. He does not feel like a complete person, but perceives himself only as an addition to his loved one. He does not trust his own feelings and beliefs, but only listens to what his partner thinks.
It is very difficult for a dependent person to separate himself from his other half. He easily gets infected by the mood of his loved one and takes everything personally. The train of thought of a codependent person can be described something like this. The partner is annoyed not because of the traffic jam on the way home, but because he did something wrong; he is upset not because of problems at work, but because of his wrong words.
The main goal of a codependent person is to improve the life of their spouse, not their own. However, deep down in his soul, he wants a better life for himself. But a codependent person has a firm belief that it is impossible to achieve this on his own. So he tries to get worldly benefits through his partner, encouraging him to take certain actions.

Improving the life of others

A dependent person is constantly looking for a mate to solve his own problems. She experiences feelings of deep loneliness and sadness if she is not in a relationship with someone. She hopes that another person will fill the void in her life. She is sure that a relationship with him will relieve boredom, despondency and disorder. Another person appears to a codependent person as a source of happiness, security and well-being, through which basic needs are replenished.
The loss of a loved one for a codependent person means the end of existence. If suddenly, for some reason, a relationship breaks down, then problems also appear in other areas of life (health deteriorates, a career goes downhill, financial difficulties arise).
In most cases, an addicted person does not understand what he specifically wants. However, at the same time, he is burning with the desire for his partner to make him happy.
A codependent partner is not able to determine his own and others’ psychological boundaries. He is unable to understand and accept the fact that a loved one may turn out to be “different”, not like himself.
In most cases, codependent people do not try to get rid of their addiction, but, on the contrary, only increase it. On a subconscious level, a codependent individual does not want to grow up. He does not want to realize the fact that no one owes him anything, and he himself must accept responsibility for his own life.

Independent recovery from codependency

To get out of codependency on your own, you can use S.N. Zaitsev’s technique. The psychologist suggests fighting codependency in the following way. Imagine that addiction is a monster that stands on three legs:

the first support is the addict;
the second support is the macrosociety that supports addiction;
the third support is the microsociety that supports addiction.

While a codependent person is unlikely to be able to change macro-society, he can change relationships in the family and his behavior. You can learn more about the technique in the author’s book “Codependency – the ability to love.” This is a practical guide for self-help for addicted people (behavior correction and support).

It is important! Codependency has two scenarios: both people are cured and begin to build new relationships, or the relationship ends completely. In practice, the second option is more common.

What do you need to “work” in yourself in order to build healthy, interdependent relationships?

1) Become aware of your behavior patterns in relationships and codependent scenarios - this is a very important point, because without their awareness, these scenarios cannot be changed.

In codependent relationships, people often use such psychological defense as denial. Therefore, first of all, it is important to get out of the influence of such defenses and accept the reality of your relationship, that they are not really happy with you.

2) Study and analyze in detail codependent scenarios in your past and current relationships. And figure out what you can start doing differently in your relationship.

3) Learn to shift the focus of attention from your partner’s behavior to your inner world. That is, start asking yourself questions - what is happening to me now? What do I think about this? What do I feel? What do I need? What am I striving for? Why am I doing this? Why do I need this relationship, what important do I get from it for myself? How does what my partner does to me resonate with me? How do I feel about this?

4) “Unfreeze” your feelings, i.e. learn to feel your feelings, as well as recognize, name them and express them environmentally.

It is also important to study the information about what our particular emotions usually tell us, what function this or that feeling performs.

5) Learn to recognize your needs and desires. And with the help of my feelings, I learn to navigate what I want and what I don’t want, what suits me and what doesn’t suit me.

6) Disconnect your needs and desires from your partner in a codependent relationship. Assign your desires to yourself, take responsibility for their implementation. And recognize that these needs can be met for you by other people or by yourself, and not just by your partner.

7) Learn to ask other people and receive from them - warmth, care, attention, support, praise. And learn to give it to other people when they ask for it.

Learn to monitor your manipulations and games in relationships. For each manipulation, look for what need you were trying to satisfy with its help. And learn to replace your manipulations with open requests.

9) Learn to recognize your own and other people’s boundaries, protect your personal boundaries and not violate others. Do not shift your responsibility onto others and do not take on someone else’s.

10) Learn to see both “good” and “bad” in the world, in yourself, in other people, in some phenomena. Refuse “black and white” split thinking, notice halftones, learn not to go to extremes. Become more holistic by resolving your internal conflicts. Use “and” rather than “or” more often.

11) Develop your sense of self-worth, self-esteem. Learn to love yourself, take care of yourself and accept yourself for who you are. Study yourself, who you are and what you are, get to know yourself, your true “I”.

Learn to love your inner child, who in codependents is usually very wounded and hungry for love.

12) Start healing your childhood traumas that are reproduced in codependent relationships. Complete what is left unfinished in the relationship with parents. Heal your inner traumatized child.

13) Work through fears associated with relationships - fear of loneliness and fear of intimacy. Codependent relationships are usually structured in such a way that people can avoid both loneliness and intimacy. And for a healthy relationship, both the ability to be alone and the ability to get closer to another person are important.

14) Instead of immature, infantile dependence, learn mature dependence. Mature dependence differs from immature dependence in that it has a choice of whom to depend on and who not to depend on.

The child has only parents, and he depends on them, no matter what they are. And an adult always has a choice with whom to build relationships and communicate, and with whom not. And in addition to depending on other people, an adult also has the ability to rely on himself, which can help him if something happens.

And the way out of codependency lies not in getting rid of your dependence on other people and not in gaining complete self-sufficiency and independence - but in learning to use your natural dependence in a more mature way.

Learn to choose partners who are safe and loving enough to meet the needs that matter to you, and who do not resort to violence. That is, choose people for relationships consciously, and not under the influence of your childhood traumas.

15) Learn to build close relationships with another person. Learn to be vulnerable and sincere with them, learn to trust those people who are safe enough for this and whom you know well enough.

To do this, it is important to learn to get closer gradually, looking closely at the person, how much you can trust him, whether he is reliable and safe enough for this. And learn to feel the distance with people at which you feel comfortable being with them, so that you are not “too close” or “too far.”

16) Learn to build healthy, interdependent relationships without falling into dependence or counterdependence. Learn to use “I messages” in communication, resolve conflicts effectively and in a civilized manner, and also master other skills necessary for a new format of open, sincere relationships.

What is the difference between codependency and love?

What is love, care? As Erich Fromm said: “This is an active interest in the life and development of the object of love.” There is no and cannot be development in codependency. This is the main difference between codependency and love, the difference between these phenomena.

A codependent feels needed and significant by controlling others. He is trying to rebuild his partner, make him comfortable for himself. What kind of development is there? Reproaches, scandals, quarrels, shouting, manipulation, prohibitions, emotional and frequent separations are the framework of a codependent relationship. Some people confuse this with passion and love, caring.

Interesting! People who are prone to self-destruction find themselves in codependent relationships. Alcoholism, drug addiction, overeating or, conversely, refusal to eat - some of these, as a rule, are observed in one or both partners.

How to get rid of codependency

A person suffering from this deviation learns about its presence at an appointment with a narcologist. It is the doctor who informs about the existence of this problem and the need for simultaneous therapy for both the underlying addiction and mental disorders of a loved one.

To convince a relative of his pathology, a specialist has to provide evidence. Then the person should be given some time to realize the existing complication.

Before treating codependency, the psychotherapist prepares the client:

By explaining the cause and manifestations of the defect that appears.
By presenting signs of a mental disorder in a codependent person.
The conviction of mandatory psychocorrection.

Treatment of drug addiction or alcoholism must necessarily be combined with codependency therapy.

After a conversation and awareness of the problem, some loved ones are able to get rid of misconceptions on their own. But most require psychotherapeutic help. This feature is due to the fact that the most severe forms of deviation are characteristic of people with certain mental properties. We are talking about the characters of doubters, prone to submission, dependence on other people's opinions.