The consequences of betraying a loved one
Betrayal hurts and causes psychological trauma to the rescuer, which very often “breaks” the whole life of a completely innocent person.
And as an example, I will cite the fact that men often leave and betray their wives when their financial situation becomes different, and they, having become rich, leave their previous family. Their native wives were often their rescuers in difficult situations, but now they can’t stop them with a stamp in their passport. Even children don’t stop them in this case.
And the second example is when close friends take advantage of the financial situation of a richer friend, and very often simply “set her up”, which is akin to betrayal. According to psychologists, this situation occurs quite often.
Betrayal by loved ones invariably leads to a breakdown in relationships. One of her friends took out a loan, and indicated not her phone number, but her wealthy friend’s. She didn’t pay off the loan, and now first the bank and then the collectors start calling this wealthy friend with threats. And a friend often extended a helping hand and saved us with money, food, and even things.
And you considered her a close friend, and now you are paying off her debts
This is how easy it is to abandon, leave, set up, betray completely innocent people who saved you in a difficult situation, and most importantly, they also then lose faith in the good... By sacrificing yourself and saving someone, you risk ending up in the ranks, who was betrayed, especially if you don’t really know the person. You must always be vigilant so as not to be among those who are betrayed.
Not all people tolerate betrayal and treason the same way.
Women who are faithful to their husbands experience very deep suffering. They carefully preserve the hearth and comfort. Good wives and caring mothers - for them, family relationships and family always come first.
We are not taught, either at school or in institutions, how to live and how to build emotional and trusting relationships. When we get married, we live as if according to a script, seeing before our eyes the unsuccessful marriages of our friends or our parents. Minor quarrels and grievances begin, which are resolved in bed, as they say: “Darlings scold - they just amuse themselves.” But years pass, and if you don’t have emotional intimacy, then bed doesn’t solve anything and the relationship fades away.
Spouses are moving away from each other, showing more and more claims, irritation, and misunderstandings. What you previously liked about your loved one now irritates you. Most often, people stay together out of habit and a sense of duty to their children. Tension increases, and the man begins to look for another woman who will support him, listen and understand. Who will simply love him without any reproaches. At the same time, he does not worry that he betrayed his wife; for him this is something new, a change of sensations.
Why are rescuers betrayed?
- The rescuer always reminds you of those past moments of weakness
- The rescuer, even if he does not ask for payment from those who were rescued, and the rescued does not always want to remember those bad times
- People with a tit-for-tat worldview always consider themselves obligated, and no one likes this
- No one is ever interested in the rescuer’s situation; perhaps there was something he couldn’t do, he simply, due to his positive qualities and desire to help you, “extended a helping hand”
- The saying that “you should never bite the hand that gives you” is what it’s all about!
- Usually the saved ones attribute all the merits only to themselves in case of victory. Few people say that there were people in his life without whom he could not have done anything. And that's a fact.
When you save your “loved one” or help your friend, think about yourself! It turns out from all of the above that being a rescuer is harmful to yourself.
Cheating in relationships. How to survive? Is it worth forgiving?
Cheating in relationships. How to survive? Is it worth forgiving? Cheating on a guy's wife, husband, girlfriend. Cheating in a relationship
Cheating in a relationship is accompanied by very strong and painful experiences. An atmosphere of disappointment, resentment and pain unfolds in the couple; unjustified hopes and broken trust become a huge obstacle to further interaction. The partner who has been cheated on finds out about it and feels devastated. Resentment, pain, fear and confusion are replaced by jealousy and anger. Guilt, shame and fear envelop the one who committed treason. In such a situation, it is difficult to navigate and make any decisions. Pain and powerlessness cloud consciousness.
If you just found out about the fact of betrayal, do not rush to take any action. Give yourself time to recover from emotional shock. During this period, you need to give free rein to your feelings and emotional response. It would be nice to find the support of someone close who can simply listen to you without giving advice. After the first emotions have balanced out a little, you can begin to analyze the situation and think about further actions.
Below we will talk about the reasons for betrayal in relationships and the possibilities of a constructive way out of this situation.
Let's first define what treason is. What is considered cheating and what is not?
In my opinion, there is no single answer for all cases of life. This concept is individual and determined by the personal values of a particular person. Cheating can be both sexual and emotional - for example, falling in love with another person without entering into a physical relationship. Some people consider it cheating only to have a sexual relationship with another partner, while others are more affected by the emotional side of the issue.
Here it is not so important what is considered cheating, but what is important is what feelings certain actions of the other arouse in partners. In one couple, a compliment to another woman will hurt the feelings of the partner, while in another it is considered quite normal, and only physical betrayal will indicate serious disagreements.
If we talk about working with a couple who comes to counseling with difficulties in their relationship, it is important to understand what is considered cheating for this couple, and what is fidelity, and at what point problems arise. That's when the opportunity to negotiate appears. If we rely on general standards of behavior, it will be quite difficult to find a constructive, satisfying way out of the current situation for both partners.
Why does cheating happen?
Cheating is always an indicator that serious problems have arisen in a relationship.
The most important thing that needs to be understood in order to adequately get out of such a situation is that responsibility for what happens in a relationship lies with both partners in equal parts, and not just with the one who cheated or who was cheated on. The partner who has been cheated on often feels like a victim and begins to blame the other, shifting all responsibility for what is happening onto him, which, as a rule, does not lead to a constructive solution to the problem. The cheating partner, not wanting to experience guilt and shame, may also begin to blame the other for being provoked to such an act, which will further aggravate the situation.
Let's take a closer look at the reasons for cheating
1. Lack of agreement on a common view on the concept of fidelity in relationships. Often people entering into relationships have expectations of each other, however, they do not speak them out loud, that is, they do not translate them into agreements. Well, for example, if a couple started living together, or an official marriage was concluded, one partner expects from the other that he (she) does not enter into sexual contact with anyone else, or does not spend time after work in a cafe with friends, does not flirt with others and so on. According to the first, such things are obvious. This is not specified, and therefore the other partner, brought up in different conditions and living by different rules, may not even know about it. Such a lack of agreement can serve as good ground for disappointment and painful experiences in the event of a partner’s wrong actions.
2. Betrayal as a result of psychological immaturity. This can be expressed in the search for the “ideal” partner and a low level of awareness. Such a person will be prone to deception, manipulation, and avoiding responsibility for himself and his life, as well as for his actions. Such a partner is not yet ready for a long-term relationship and has not made his conscious choice. Often found in infantile individuals who enter into relationships only because they cannot arrange their lives on their own.
3. Betrayal, as a result of a crisis in a relationship, and the loss of the ability to satisfy one’s needs. A person is happy in a relationship when his actual needs in them are satisfied. This list for most people includes: acceptance, mutual understanding, care, attention, sexual satisfaction and much more. We create relationships based on what is currently important to us in the current environmental conditions. However, these conditions change over time, and accordingly, new needs may arise, and old ones will be more difficult to satisfy in the new conditions. Such situations of changing conditions, and accordingly, needs, are called crises. For example, a couple started living together, a child was born, the family moved to another city, a job change occurred for one of the family members, etc.
This is where problems arise, since one or both partners may not be ready for change. They fail to adapt to new conditions and find ways to constructively build relationships, as well as develop their quality.
The result of the crisis may be a further deepening of relationships and reaching a new level of intimacy and trust, or it may be disappointment and separation.
It is during times of crisis that betrayal occurs.
Why is this happening?
Let's look at an example of a crisis in a couple in which the birth of a child occurred. Alexandra is 30 years old and Dmitry is 32 years old. The betrayal occurred 3 months ago, when their son, Andrei, turned 9 months old.
Before the birth of the child, the couple had, according to the spouses, a good relationship. They had many common interests and hobbies. They loved spending time both alone and in the company of friends.
After the baby was born, Alexandra’s attention was, of course, completely absorbed by the child. Dmitry supported his wife as best he could. However, he was forced to spend a lot of time at work, since this was the only source of income for the family. The boy had health problems, and therefore he needed increased attention, and the spouses were often worried about him.
All the worries about caring for the child fell on Alexandra, since relatives who could help lived in another city. She was very tired and paid much less attention to her appearance, and to Dmitry himself.
Thus, the need for attention, care and moral support has increased significantly for both partners. Sexual needs have not disappeared, but the ability to satisfy them has become much less. Dmitry was embarrassed to admit to his wife that he was much less attracted to her appearance. He understood how difficult it was for her to have a child, and considered it inappropriate to draw her attention to the needs that were important to him. He was tired at work, and at times he had difficulties there, but he did not tell his wife about this, because he did not want to cause her additional unpleasant emotions. He felt obliged to her.
As we said above, in a crisis, either new needs arise that are not satisfied, or old ones are no longer satisfied. This is an emotional burden for any person, and to withstand it, you need a resource. If there is little or no resource, the needs are not satisfied for a long time, and the person continues to endure, the tension in him gradually increases. He becomes irritable, easily offended, and will often be in a bad mood.
In our example, quarrels began to arise more often in the family. Dmitry sometimes began to shout at his wife, accusing her of some trifles. Alexandra was offended and complained that they could not hire a nanny because Dmitry did not earn enough. She was not happy with the fact that he came home late from work and did little to help around the house.
During scandals, the spouses accused each other of not understanding the situation; each believed that the partner was not fully fulfilling his responsibilities, and therefore they were having difficulties. However, none of them ever voiced their feelings about this situation or talked about what they wanted to receive in the form of a request, but only in the form of a demand or accusation. The couple practically did not spend time together, since there was no one to leave the child with. Alexandra was against Dmitry spending time with friends, explaining that she needed his help around the house. She herself also reduced her communication with her friends, since she believed that a good mother should first pay maximum attention to the child.
Dmitry had a difficult situation at work; he had to stay in the office after hours in order to have time to complete all the work. The emotional stress in the family and at work made itself felt, and therefore he began to drink alcohol more often. After scandals with his wife, he did not want to return home, and therefore he went to a bar with colleagues to relax a little. He began to deceive his wife so as not to cause unnecessary quarrels.
Diana, a young, beautiful and purposeful girl of 28 years old, was assigned to project work in Dmitry’s department. Dmitry liked to watch a well-groomed and friendly woman. Communication with her brought him great joy, and they also found common interests. Diana and Dmitry often dined together, and sometimes they went to the bar for a cocktail at Dmitry’s invitation.
One day they went on a business trip together, where, in fact, betrayal occurred, being an obvious consequence of previous events. Dmitry, of course, hid this fact from his wife. He was very worried about his craving for his mistress; it was unpleasant for him to deceive his wife. However, it was also not possible to end this connection.
Alexandra found out about this after seeing love SMS on Dmitry’s phone. He didn’t deny it...
What happened next? And what was described at the beginning of this article.
The spouses were faced with the question of how to live further?
How to regain trust? Is it possible? Should we break up or still try to improve the relationship? What is a constructive way out of this situation?
This is why they came to a consultation with a psychologist.
So, what happened in this family? At what point did the failure occur? Is it possible to blame only Dmitry for everything because he found an outlet in another woman and deceived his wife? Or just Alexandra for becoming all childish and not taking care of herself?
I think no.
What happened was that the spouses did not find a way to constructively resolve the crisis situation due to a lack of resources.
Where was he lost?
A key mistake in many relationships is that partners do not openly express their needs to each other and avoid experiencing and voicing unpleasant feelings.
We remember that Dmitry was embarrassed to tell his wife that she had completely stopped taking care of herself, and that he was a man and wanted to see a well-groomed woman in front of him. The couple completely devoted themselves to the role of mother and father, mistress of the house and breadwinner in the family, and completely forgot about their male and female needs. As a result of suppressing one’s natural needs, a lot of tension accumulated in the relationship, which provoked quarrels and scandals, and ultimately ended in betrayal.
Why are we silent about our needs?
In our culture, we are raised to understand that talking about ourselves, putting ourselves first, is selfish, bad and wrong. There are many preconceptions about what a family and relationships in it should be like, and therefore a person is not used to focusing on his feelings, trying to meet often unnatural standards.
For example, Alexandra believed that if a couple had children, then the partners were obliged to reduce their personal lives to a minimum, devoting themselves entirely to the family. Dmitry believed that a good husband does not have the right to tell his wife something unpleasant about her appearance, but must love and respect her for the fact that she is the mother of his children.
By depriving ourselves of the opportunity to rely on OUR needs and feelings, we deny ourselves the resource for overcoming the crisis.
If you block your feelings and live only according to obligations and rules, then it is very easy to get into mutual accusations and scandals that interfere with a constructive solution to the situation.
In this couple, despite all the difficulties and grievances, the spouses decided to go to a psychologist to clarify the situation, as they realized the value of their relationship for each other. The situation in which they were on the verge of losing this relationship helped them both understand the importance of each other, and therefore there was a desire to work on themselves and understand the situation.
After several sessions, they realized that in their family it was not customary to openly state their needs and discuss possible solutions. Both partners realized how much they hid about themselves in order to take care of each other, but which ultimately led to their distance from each other and quarrels. The main result of their work with the psychologist was the ability to agree on how everyone's interests could be taken into account during their daily lives. They learned to talk about their feelings and ask each other for things, rather than demanding responsibilities.
Constructively navigating a crisis situation helps a couple take the path of building a trusting relationship.
It is important to consider the concept of trust in more detail here. What it is? After all, in betrayal we lose precisely him.
Often, if we are in love and happy with our partner, we are joyful and free, and it seems to us that this is trust. But if we know a person little and begin to trust him only on the basis of our love, this speaks of blind faith. It is unfounded and often deceptive, and sooner or later leads to disappointment. There are a lot of expectations that are not supported by practical experience. In this case, we do not see the real person, but fall in love with our idealized image, and then betrayal simply returns us to reality.
Trust is built as a result of gradual rapprochement by going through different life situations together, especially those that cause many difficulties.
Experiencing betrayal in the form of working on oneself by realizing one’s responsibility for the situation and voicing one’s position to one’s partner, paying attention to one’s own and his needs helps to achieve real trust, and not blind infantile faith in a relationship.
Voicing your needs, pleasant and unpleasant feelings to your partner, and the ability to listen to each other opens up a new vision of the situation for each member of the couple and contributes to the development of mutual understanding, on the basis of which agreements are built.
For example, Dmitry told Alexandra that he did NOT like her appearance and that he missed the way she looked before. He asked her to dress up a little when he returned from work, do her hair and greet him with a smile. At first she was a little offended by these words, since this is not very pleasant for a woman to hear, however, it helped her realize how she had lost her husband’s attention. Since this relationship is valuable to her, she is ready to start paying more attention to her appearance and do something nice for Dmitry. Dmitry began to talk more about what was happening at work and shared with his wife the difficulties that arise. Alexandra listened to him attentively; it became clearer to her what was happening to her husband. As a result of such communication, Dmitry received support from Alexandra, and such conversations helped the spouses better understand each other.
Alexandra, in turn, voiced her requests to Dmitry. She wanted her husband to spend half a day a week with her son alone, and during these hours she could relax or go about her business. She also asked Dmitry to take on some of the responsibilities around the house, which would help her spend less time on everyday life and more time taking care of her appearance. She had long wanted to go dancing, however, she limited herself in this due to the fact that money should be spent only on business, when there are children in the family, and dancing is entertainment. Now she has realized the importance of emotional rest for herself and how her mood and condition affects the general atmosphere in the family, and therefore enrolled in a nearby school. She began to be more relaxed about Dmitry’s “get-togethers” with friends or work colleagues, since Dmitry helped her with household chores twice a week.
The level of satisfaction in the relationship began to increase. The couple began to spend more time together as a family, visit more often and communicate with friends. Each of them had their own individual space, which became a good support for building a common joyful and interesting interaction. The relationship between the spouses became fulfilling, and this provided a resource for forgiving each other for past mistakes. The partners decided to stay together in the relationship.
Forgiveness is only possible when a person has satisfied his needs for acceptance, attention and moral support.
It makes no sense to force this event, since as long as a person is in an unsatisfied state, this forgiveness will never be sincere.
Is a constructive way out of a situation of betrayal always expressed in maintaining the relationship?
Not at all.
Sometimes, as a result of voicing their needs and feelings, partners realize that their paths have diverged because they cannot get from each other what is most important to each of them. In this case, they agree to separate.
How this differs from a scandalous breakup or silently ignoring each other out of resentment, I think, is obvious.
In the event of a constructive end to the relationship, the partners are able to maintain adequate communication. This is especially important when there are children in the family, since what is important for their mental health is not that the parents live together, but how they communicate with each other and what emotional background is present in their relationship. If the parents separated, no longer having any complaints or grievances towards each other, then the child tolerates such a divorce much better than the cohabitation of parents who are not happy nearby.
