Victims
People in the Victim position are those who feel that nothing depends on them.
These are the majority of women. Therefore, I will dwell on this role in more detail. They believe that in this situation they cannot choose their behavior: “It’s all because of them, but what could I do?” Classic signs of victim behavior:
State of helplessness. Words, phrases: “I won’t be able to sell, I don’t know how to do it...”
They renounce their rights and are inactive. You can hear the phrases: “Let them choke on my money!” I won’t call them and ask them to return my money, they must have a conscience!”
Justifying yourself. Blaming others. In the words: “What can I do? This is our country! How can I earn more if we get paid like that? Education and teachers are not valued today.”
Classic victim character traits:
- childishness and emotional immaturity
- very low level of awareness
- not wanting to take responsibility for yourself and your life
The victim complex has its roots in childhood. Parents punished actions, considering them wrong, which created various traumas.
This is where adults have a fear of making mistakes, of doing something on their own, of taking initiative. There is no action, you won’t have to answer for anything, and there will be no punishment.
Many live with this, they are comfortable and comfortable, they have their own
Benefits of being a victim:
- No need to be responsible, no need to feel guilty
- You can attract attention to yourself - “I’m small, weak, unhappy, they should take care of me”
- Lots of self-pity. Expecting sympathy and pity from others.
- Demand for compensation for suffering. Gluttony for help.
- An accusatory position towards people and the world. The belief that the world is hostile.
- Lack of personal boundaries, “getting bogged down” in relationships and affairs,
- Perfectionism, lack of sense of time.
- The meaning of life is in suffering
A person can also be a victim in a work relationship. Let us metaphorically highlight two such roles:
What is Karpman's triangle?
Karpman triangle
- this is the so-called model of relationships in which people show three aspects of behavior, their subpersonalities. In this article we will consider only the first and second stages, "-1" and "+1", with the "-1" stage first, since this is the stage in which people manifest three roles:
1. Savior.
2. Victims.
3. Controller.
Problems in this interaction of roles are not resolved, energy is lost, the situation remains as it was. We'll look at each role with an example, and explain why this behavior occurs, as well as why it leads nowhere.
At least one hundred people can participate in the system. Moreover, each of them plays one of the specified roles. The roles are changing. In one situation the Controller becomes a Victim, in another the Savior turns into a Controller. The essence still remains the same. All three subpersonalities are people who base their actions on destructive emotions and feelings.
For example, this is a feeling of guilt, resentment, envy, fear, anxiety, self-doubt, and so on. And if these feelings drag on, then the person will be jealous and irritated instead of changing something. But if you really want to change something, then read on. If not, close this article. She won't help you.
Role one – “Whipping Girl”
She is accused of all “sins” and is blamed for the failures and mistakes of others. Constantly “taking the rap for others,” she forgets about herself and her personal goals and interests.
Such people believe that it is much more important and “honorable” to continue to fulfill their social role of “whipping girl” - if not she, then who? They ignore their lives and their own problems, live in other people’s affairs and worries, while never ceasing to complain that everyone “rides on them with their legs dangling.” As a rule, he does everything without financial compensation or bonuses.
Among my colleagues there are often such “girls”. Consultations are provided without payment on your day off. They feel sorry for people, they get into their situations...
“-1” stage of the triangle: VICTIM – CONTROLLER (PERSECUTOR) – SAVIOR
To call this stage of evolution basic would be incorrect, since people do not grow in it and do not even remain in one place. They are systematically degrading.
Let us remind you right away. One person is all three subpersonalities at once, he simply chooses one model of behavior more often, but he has everything that other subpersonalities have. By denying their manifestation in other people, the codependent denies himself.
VICTIM: emotions and thoughts
The main feelings that a person experiences when playing the role of a victim:
1. Resentment towards life. "Everything is bad. Life is evil. I can't change anything. Everyone insults me. I’m so good, but so unhappy.”
2. Enjoyment of suffering. The victim revels in his condition, feels like a martyr and therefore almost a saint. Internal message: “You’re offending me, but I’m actually very, very good. And I will show you all how good I am. Rate it again! This is where I’ll tell you what I think about you. This is where I’ll leave you all to the mercy of fate, you’ll have to wait.” In other words, the main claim to the world: I am underestimated, but I will prove it. Destructive, angry message. In order to ultimately humiliate the one who humiliates her, the Victim.
3. Wine. “I did it wrong. Now I need to make amends for my wrongdoing. I am bad". At the same time, there is a desire to rehabilitate yourself in someone’s eyes, but there is no way to draw conclusions. The main desire: to simply ease your worries.
4. Jealousy and envy. The source of these feelings is low self-esteem and an unconstructive attitude towards one’s capabilities. Other people's successes do not inspire, but make you feel the bitterness of defeat and irritation. In the worst case, there is a desire to harm the more successful. Taking away “what is rightfully due” means cases of blind jealousy.
5. Shame. It is curious that in addicts the sense of shame atrophies, but in codependents it becomes more acute. Moreover, a codependent person feels shame for his misdeeds. Basically, these are some completely insignificant little things that make him reflect and replay the situation again: what could I have done if...
The victim periodically falls into a state of depression, perceives the world inertly, and is not ready to change anything. There is a huge stagnation of energy in her, although outwardly she may seem active, businesslike, fussy, but all this is “fuss around the sofa.”
The victim, like any Soul that comes into the world, desires development, but a person in this state does not allow development, and the struggle with oneself deprives the person of power. The victim is constantly on edge and feels extremely tired.
"I'm tired!!!" - the cry of the Victim’s soul.
PERSECUTOR (CONTROLLER): emotions and thoughts
The controller is a pure sublimation of fear. He clings to the boundaries set by the DO and feels a lot of irritation that everything is not going according to his plan. Anger and impotent malice, suppressed aggression - these are the controller’s eternal companions.
The world for the controller is a place of evil and predictable, inevitable suffering. He is always looking for the “rear”, does not trust anyone, believes that he needs to take care of everything that happens. And it doesn’t even occur to him that he is unable to anticipate the situations that other people create. He can learn to react to some similar situations, and naively believes that he now has in his hands an instrument for controlling the world. That it can eliminate the causes of problems. But problems remain. And the only thing that can be done is to change the attitude towards these problems, and not to remove their source.
Anger and fear always live inside: the world is always unusual and provocative. The controller is unaware that any changes can cause improvements, even if they are painful. The controller is afraid of changes to the point of panic: because then his fragile little world with a bunch of rules will collapse.
He keeps track of everything. Checks everything! He takes care of everyone, even (and especially!) if he is not asked. He believes that his concern is for the good of everyone. He is sincerely surprised and annoyed that his care is not appreciated, and this becomes a source of conflicts and complaints.
In this case, the controller is the starting point from where energy is born. But it does not move in a circle, from one subpersonality to another. It simply appears, and for destructive reasons. For example: there is a problem - it needs to be fixed. (In Karpman's creative triangle
“+1”, note that energy is born from the desire to create and improve something, at least to observe what happens).
The Controller begins to put pressure on the Victim, who suffers, resists, gets irritated, and complains to the Savior. He begins to console the unfortunate woman, and the energy closes. No action occurs, energy flows into nowhere.
“I’m so tired of dragging you all along!!!” — the main complaint of the Controller.
SAVIOR: emotions and thoughts
The Savior plays the role of Mother Teresa. He protects the victim and takes pity on the Controller. And he acts as such a buffer, but in reality he is a coward. He is driven by pity and resentment (oh, you poor things, but I’m cooler, well, if that’s the case, I’ll help you! Pity! Oh, don’t appreciate it! Resentment!)
Guilt is the key emotion. Guilty for not helping (obliged, because by default I am obliged, I decided so long ago for myself for a variety of reasons), anger and irritation at the Controller (so-and-so, the offender!).
Resentment (you don’t appreciate, don’t respect, don’t notice my efforts, don’t value me at all).
The Savior takes pity on the Victim because she is weak and defenseless, and on the Controller because he has shouldered the load and is dragging it. In the end, everyone is sorry, everyone needs help, and the EGO of the Savior blooms like a lush laurel: “Where will you go without me? I reconcile you all here, I help everyone.” This is, perhaps, one of the few positive emotions in the entire “-1” Karpman triangle, from which, however, nothing useful grows. The same tension, stagnation of energy remains inside. They are not wasted anywhere.
The Savior encourages the destructiveness of the Victim, stimulates the Controller to work hard, encouraging him to spend even more energy. As a result, he takes all the power for himself. In fact, he is the most satisfied member of the trio. He at least gets the pleasure that he is not the worst in this pile of events.
“I feel sorry for you all!!!” - the main thought of the Savior.
Victim, Persecutor, Rescuer - general characteristics of the roles
The participants of the triangle are firmly connected to each other, and each of the roles played by one or another individual has its own characteristics. Let's look at them in more detail.
The Role of the Victim
The main feature of a person occupying the position of a Victim is an unwillingness to bear responsibility for everything that happens to him. He seeks to shift all his problems onto the shoulders of others, seeking pity and sympathy from others. Often the Victim herself provokes aggression on the part of the Persecutor in order to subsequently be able to manipulate him for her own purposes.
The victim is convinced that the world is full of suffering and life is unfair. A person with such beliefs is full of fears, doubts, and resentments. He is prone to feelings of guilt, shame, jealousy, envy. His body experiences constant tension, which a person does not even notice, but over time it leads to the development of various diseases.
The victim is afraid of the process of life, afraid of strong impressions. She is prone to depression and sad mood. Even if a person in the Victim position leads an active lifestyle, inside he is very passive and inert. There is no desire for development and movement in him.
Role of the Persecutor
The pursuer has a strong nature and strives for leadership. The desire to dominate other people is the main driving force in his life. He achieves this by pursuing and manipulating the Victim. By oppressing a weaker person, he receives a certain moral satisfaction. All the Victim’s attempts to defend himself and defend his position only push the Persecutor to even stronger attacks.
The pursuer constantly strives to control everything. He points out to others their mistakes and teaches them about life. The main emotions of a person in this position are anger and irritability. There is also tension in his body. He believes that he cares and takes care of the people around him, but they do not appreciate his care.
The Persecutor constantly lectures the Victim, convinced that he is doing this solely for her benefit, and is very irritated when the Victim begins to resist.
Role of the Rescuer
The role of the Rescuer has a rather complex psychological structure. The Rescuer, like the Persecutor, is a strong personality and has a certain tendency towards aggression, but he constantly suppresses it. He directs his energy in a different direction - he becomes the defender of the Victim.
By protecting the Victim from the attacks of the Persecutor, the Rescuer feels like a necessary and necessary person. This gives him a feeling of satisfaction. An individual prone to the role of Rescuer constantly finds an object for protection.
The Rescuer often feels pity not only for the Victim, but also for the Persecutor. He sees how the Persecutor suffers from the fact that his merits remain unrecognized, so he sympathizes with him. He may also experience hidden aggression towards the Persecutor, therefore he protects the Victim not out of a desire to help her, but out of a desire to annoy the Persecutor.
The main emotions of a person acting as a Rescuer are pity, sympathy and resentment. There is the same tension in his body as in the rest of the power triangle. The Rescuer secretly considers himself superior to the Victim and the Persecutor and this satisfies his ego.
How does the “-1” Karpman triangle work in a family of codependents?
We have already noted that energy is distributed incorrectly in the system at this level. The Controller gives energy to the Victim and the Savior, the Savior takes from the Controller and gives a little to the Victim. The victim takes from everyone and gives nothing to anyone, because there is nothing to give.
Even if roles are changed in the family, and everyone begins to try on a new subpersonality, the energy still flows away every time, because the end point inevitably appears: the Savior or the Victim, who absorb but do not return the energy.
In the situation of such a triangle, it is impossible to relax, because events constantly arise that irritate and deprive one of peace. People begin to gradually transfer the stereotype of behavior outside, for example, they desperately scold the Government, the healthcare system, power structures, queues, sellers, and all those who “ruin life.” This is the Controller subpersonality, who knows how to live correctly. Subpersonality The victim chooses listeners to whom he can complain about his plight. These people attract new Saviors into their situation (doctors, psychotherapists of their level, who are only happy to have permanent patients, because endless complaints mean an eternal client).
In a family where there are alcoholics, there is certainly a second person - “three in one”, the bearer of three subpersonalities. More often than not, a non-drinker who is not dependent on drugs acts as a Controller. The dependent, of course, is the Victim (behaves badly, which means he drowns out shame - drinks and forgets himself). Very often the wife acts as the Controller; she is the one who easily turns into the Savior (nursing an alcoholic after a binge), and sometimes she herself plays the Victim (complains, cries, blames for her troubles).
A husband who drinks also goes around in circles. Mostly he is a Victim: everyone spreads rot and doesn’t understand. But in a fit of despair and shame, he is the Savior: he buys gifts, apologizes for yesterday, consoles his wife (now she is the Victim), listens to her lamentations. He acts as a controller where there is an opportunity to suppress someone.
Of course, the easiest target is children. A relaxed and irresponsible father suddenly turns into a domestic tyrant and punishes the children in all respects. And at the same time he tries to find fault with his wife over trifles. The situation is heating up, because just yesterday this same “righteous man” behaved in a completely inappropriate manner, the wife instantly revives the Controller within herself and a scandal begins. To get away from him, the husband again grabs the life-saving drug.
Being a Victim is convenient for both, but who will feel sorry for the Victim if the second “Victim” is drunk? Playing a one-man theater is not interesting, and the wife, instead of a sufferer who will finally be pitied, becomes a vixen. And then again as the Savior. And so on in a circle.
Children who observe this change of roles clearly learn that from the position of the Victim a priori (the mother presses and teaches, the father sternly or cajoles), the child can also retrain into the Savior, because then he will receive a little gratitude and acceptance. Nobody puts him in the position of the Victim, and due to his little experience and age, he cannot take the position of the Controller.
Suppressed aggression is formed
, an attempt to somehow rehabilitate myself.
It is this suppressed incentive to act in one’s own way that subsequently plays a role in the transmission of “ genetic alcoholism
”; in fact, there is no smell of genetics here. We are talking only about the formation of stereotypical behavior based on the example of the behavior of adults.
How to get out of the Victim role: the path to gaining strength
If you carefully read everything written above and watched Professor Karpman’s video lecture, then most likely you begin to understand what you need to do and what to change in your attitude towards life in order to get out of the role of the Victim.
Getting out of the role of the Victim is to take the path of self-love and acceptance of your strength
The picture reflects the general approach to the strategy for exiting the Victim role. Now let's give a more specific skeleton so that you can grow your meat yourself based on your life strategy.
Get out of the role of the Victim at different levels of the psyche:
At the level of feelings: strengthen in joy, pleasure and self-acceptance.
At the level of thoughts: basic af.
At the behavioral level: Stop looking for support outside. Make decisions independently, supporting yourself with the words: “I’m doing everything right.”
At the game level: Stop making excuses and learn to accept advice - first testing it in practice.
The main strategy here is to rely on the internal coordinate system and the path of self-love.
Checklist “How to stop being a Victim”:
Stop judging yourself and praise yourself instead.
Become a strong, leading leader.
Stop being afraid of your imperfections, be open and vulnerable.
Stop copying your parents in conflict situations. Find new role models and learn new behaviors from them. For example, open confrontation, instead of the usual flight. Or cooperation instead of compromise.
Don’t transfer your usual patterns of reaction to new situations, try to react in a new way. Become a “free animal”, as in don Juan’s story, stop walking the same paths to water. If you don't like your current job, change it. If you are not happy with your partner, look for a new relationship where you can be happy and enjoy life.
Become aware of the “rubber bands” that connect current situations with similar situations from your childhood - use the help of a transactional analyst, such as the author of this blog, for this - and break this connection.
Make a decision to strengthen your Ego - this goal cannot be achieved without self-love and rules that will keep you within the framework of your decision.
Leaving the role of the Victim almost always means gaining inner strength and self-confidence.
How to stop being a victim: lectures by Mikhail Labkovsky, parts 1 and 2
Watch video lectures - nightly broadcasts by psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky on how to get out of the position of the Victim and become a self-confident person. 1 part:
Part 2:
Write in the comments what you will do today and in the near future to get out of the role of the Victim and take the path of self-support and reliance on your resources.
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Why are people in Karpman's triangle?
The main problem of those who are imprisoned in the cycle of the above subpersonalities is the inability to express their true needs. They live for the sake of someone (without wondering who needs it, except themselves), and expect that others will also live for them.
What prevents you from changing your behavior is, first of all, the attitudes and rules that have been drilled into your head since childhood. Moreover, they are often driven by the same Controllers, Victims and Saviors like themselves. As a result, educators spend their entire lives in a circle of suffering, and so do the followers of this cruel teaching.
A child free from the teachings of his parents is a real punishment for the residents of the “-1” triangle. He is ruining their system and their lives in general, so it seems to the Controllers. Using the example of a family of an alcoholic and a codependent, a couple of situations can be cited.
Example one.
Mother: protects a drunken father (Savior), father gets drunk out of despair (Victim). The mother expects obedience (Sacrifice) from the child. The child (teenager) does not even try to feel sorry for his mother and help her sober up his father. He is just busy with himself and even laughs at his mother. To do this, the child must have a certain courage and strength of character to demonstrate resistance. Unfortunately, the attitude most often wins: the parents are always right, and the child obeys, breaks down, becoming another Victim, including a victim of the mother’s manipulations.
Second example.
Father Savior - tries to improve relations with the child by making amends with gifts. The child does not accept attempts at reconciliation and defiantly resists all the father’s attempts to get closer to him. Father gets annoyed. Enables the Controller. The child simply ignores the parent. The mother (Savior) tries to persuade the child to communicate with the father while he is good (to reinforce this behavior), the child protests and creates problems (is capricious, spoils relationships with teachers, studies poorly, in general, cannot be controlled). Father and mother are quarreling. They blame each other. Father drinks. Plays the role of the Victim. The mother plays the role of the Controller - she scolds the father and scolds the child.
For parents in the circle of these subpersonalities, this is a child without interference. Which does not reflect, is convenient, lives according to a schedule convenient for parents. Doesn't create any problems or headaches. Ready robot.
When the normal teenage desire to assert oneself arises, it is codependent parents who often hinder its growth. Not only is the child under pressure and scolded at moments of activity, but also when the child desperately needs support, he does not find it (remember: the Victim, the Controller, and the Savior pull the blanket over themselves and physically cannot give energy to the other , except for teachings and lectures, as well as sympathy).
When a teenager completely gets out of hand, adults manipulate from the position of the Victim (“Don’t offend your mother, she has a headache because of you,” “don’t make your father angry, he’ll get drunk!”). The child automatically begins to play adults’ games and becomes a Savior (“If I do this, then nothing bad will happen. That means I’m great, I help adults out with my behavior”). He sometimes doesn’t even have time to think about the fact that the child sometimes doesn’t want to behave this way.
Growing up, a child already gets used to receiving strict instructions on how to act and live. And again the reproaches: “Why don’t you do anything yourself? You are already an adult! And he was not taught to be an adult responsible for his decisions. Someone always decided for him.
Of course, parents are firmly convinced that they are helping the child, but this only leads to the fact that such a family, by default, raises another codependent or alcoholic who will either follow in the footsteps of his father (start drinking, running away from problems), or will control the whole world, and , accordingly, will find himself a weak-willed, possibly drinking, partner.
All subpersonalities in this space behave insincerely and do not feel responsible for their lives. The main postulate: someone else is always to blame, but not myself. And the fact that I myself am in this situation is, again, the fault of those around me.
Self-affirmation in such families is possible only through service and attempts to earn love. All three subpersonalities pronounce the same phrase: “I do this and this for your sake, but here you are... (the accusations follow).”
Psychology of the victim
Let's now look at what the psychology of the victim is. The usual state of the Victim is suffering . A person constantly or periodically suffers, is dissatisfied with something, is not satisfied with something, that is, he constantly feels bad. But from this state he “draws” pleasure and satisfaction. Otherwise, he does not know how to receive pleasure and joy.
The main component of the Victim role is helplessness . A person can be active and energetic in ordinary situations, but feel helpless in the face of any difficulties. Even an Excellent student can do everything “on his own” and not only can, but “excellently”, but he is helpless and does not see a way out, how he can change the situation, as differently as possible. It happens that he “understands with his head”, but cannot change anything.
The next component is hopelessness . The victim does not see a way out of the unpleasant situation and his position as a Victim. And he doesn’t believe that it’s possible to get out of it. She feels powerless. She has no strength, no energy and time, she feels constant fatigue. And she does not have the strength to cope with the situation, to change it. The victim takes a position of irresponsibility, but at the same time tends to take on someone else's responsibility. She believes that nothing depends on her. A person in the role of Victim is dependent on other people and circumstances. He is controlled and manipulated, but he has no influence on anything. All his problems are always someone else's fault, and he has nothing to do with it. The victim blames others for her problems - they make her suffer, they tyrannize her, they do not help her. And so she gets offended and angry at others, as well as herself.
But at the same time, some Victims unknowingly take responsibility for others (husband, children, mother, colleagues). That is, they shift responsibility for their lives onto others, and take responsibility for others themselves. This is the kind of confusion they have with responsibility. For example, a woman may take responsibility for the health of her parents, but not see her responsibility for her own health. She may feel responsible for her son’s studies, but not take responsibility for her failures in her personal life (“I’m unlucky,” “this is fate,” “there are no good men”).
Some Victims prefer to get sick rather than try to understand why and why they were given this disease. They will get sick, but they will never do health-improving meditations and techniques or constellations, pray or undergo unction. There are people who would rather die than forgive the offender who “ruined their life.” And at the same time they will feel like heroes and will not even realize that they have been living in the role of the Victim for a long time.
What do the Victim, the Controller and the Rescuer really want?
They all want to throw off the burden of exorbitant demands on themselves. The controller wants to give up on everything and finally live his own life. The Savior dreams that everything will be sorted out without him. The victim wants to do what he likes, and not listen to the endless instructions of the Controller.
And the most incomprehensible moment for everyone comes. Internal subpersonalities do not allow one to leave the cyclical circle. For example, at some point an alcoholic decides that “that’s it, I won’t drink anymore, I’ll start a new life.” But here the internal subpersonalities begin to do their dirty work. The Inner Savior defends a dull existence: “It’s not that bad, well, I had one drink, it doesn’t happen to anyone.” The Inner Victim sadly says: “Well, I’ll stop drinking, but nothing will change. Everyone will still hate you. And to whom will I prove what?”
And even if you manage to convince yourself of your decision, there are also people around who have not left the positions of Victim, Savior and Controller. They will do the same things again, forcing the alcoholic to experience old hurtful emotions again. For example, the Controller-wife begins to blame again, the alcoholic-Victim again begins to feel remorse, and everything returns to normal.
It's hard to get out of this circle if there are no people nearby from the second Karpman triangle
. So they can push a codependent family to change. Often these people are employees of rehabilitation centers.
It is also difficult to get out of the dominance of negative emotions and a destructive life on your own because people have no energy: they are de-energized because a lot of energy is spent on exhausting emotions and fighting with themselves.
To get out of the triangle, you need to at some point become a “soulless egoist” and think about yourself. And then look for a way:
Victim
The essence of this role lies in the reluctance to take consequences for making decisions.
Therefore, she strives not to make any decisions at all. If you ask the Victim what drinks she wants to order in a cafe, then most likely the answer will be: “choose to your taste.” And when the order is brought and she tries what they brought her, she will very quickly move into the role of the Persecutor and accuse the Savior that it is not tasty and in general she wanted something else. And in general he doesn’t like her, since he ordered it.
Despite the fact that the Victim puts in much less effort compared to the Savior, and is in emotional comfort, compared to the angry Persecutor, she is the most dependent and not free role. She cannot desire or strive for something, but is forced to accept what is given and live with a strong internal conflict.
She's still scared. Fear literally paralyzes and immobilizes her. Therefore, she is convinced of her inability to live independently and is always looking for a Savior.
In fact, she is afraid to get out of her passive position because she is afraid of making a mistake or losing by making the wrong decision. And of course, for her all problems are insoluble. It’s just that if they are resolved, then she will cease to be a Victim and then the Savior’s attention will switch to another Victim.
Of all the roles, it is the Victims who often suffer from various addictions: alcohol, drugs, gluttony and others.
Addiction is essentially a gesture of self-denial, of putting oneself into the hands of the Savior, because a person with addiction cannot fully take care of himself.
If a small child really needs protection and care, then a 30-year-old boy, looked after and dressed by his mother, evokes a feeling of sympathy in everyone, because in the event of the imminent death of his Savior, the child will be absolutely incapable of independent life and survival in nature. The goal of any organism is to get stronger and begin to expand its habitat.
The correct path for a child will look like in mastering the crib, after which he will want to get out of it into the room, then learn to dress himself and go out to the sandbox. Over time, it will become small for him and he will begin to look into the neighboring yard, district, city, country. The victim will always strive to leave the house with the Savior. And they will be afraid to move out of sight. All this creates the most powerful factors of personality degradation, since the Victim abandons his internal impulses for freedom and independence, shifts responsibility from himself to his Rescuer and refuses to lead a full life.
As a result, she is forced to live a strange and unhappy life. That's why she envies, is jealous. She is either scared, or ashamed, or offended. She has neither the strength, nor the time, nor the desire to do something to improve her life. She only has the opportunity to observe real life through her private Instagram account.
One must realize that neither role is desirable. All of them entail denial of integrity, manipulation of feelings and bad relationships.
As transaction analyst Claude Steiner said:
The victim is not really as helpless as he feels; The Savior isn't really helping, and the Persecutor doesn't really have a valid claim.
Think about this for a while. And then determine the roles in which you most like to be. This will make it possible to develop a strategy for exiting unenvironmentally friendly and disempowering relationships. This is much more important than it might seem at first glance.
Who helps you leave the “-1” triangle?
These are people from the “+1” triangle, where the Victim becomes a Player, the Savior becomes a Provocateur (Motivator), and the Controller becomes a Philosopher.
And this is really very difficult: to move into a new type of relationship on your own, and why is understandable: the environment will cling to your arms and legs, trying to return you to the old circle (reproaching you for the past, demanding familiar things in the old fashioned way, mocking attempts to change, and so on Further). This is a normal reaction of people and therefore it is important and should be ignored, but it is difficult to do it alone. We need help from more mature individuals.
We need a new behavior strategy. Let's see what subpersonalities live in the “+1” triangle.
How does the Philosopher, former Controller, act? He observes situations from the outside. If there is no visible result, then there is always experience. And this leaves the Philosopher in a calm, relaxed state, even if not everything happens as planned.
Even if everyone around him claims that what the Philosopher did was wrong, he does not get upset and believes: “I did it this way, so that’s what I needed.”
The philosopher mainly proves nothing to anyone. But there is a small nuance here: it depends on the degree of moral maturity of the person. The more a person proves and argues for the sake of arguing, the less maturity he has, and the closer he is to the “-1” triangle. The Philosopher's background reaction: the joy of learning about the world, curiosity, uniform comfort in assessing events.
The Hero's subpersonality implies studying the world through the example of his reactions. First of all, he evaluates his actions from the point of view of usefulness for himself, and only then their interest to others. Background reaction to the world: excitement, interest, inspiration, joy from success, boredom if nothing happens for a long time, but constructive, motivating boredom. Sadness if you lose, but not a feeling of guilt, thanks to which the Hero quickly slides back into the position of the Victim.
In the pair of Hero and Philosopher, there is a uniform exchange of energy. Let's give an example. If the Controller and the Victim try to put pressure on each other and force them to follow their rules, then the Hero commits actions, and the Philosopher observes and accepts the results as a fact.
For example, an alcoholic gets drunk and skips work
. The Philosopher silently watches as the Hero gets out of the situation and loses his job. This is his job and his area of responsibility. The controller would start teaching and giving advice, but the Philosopher is silent. The victim would blame himself, the Hero draws conclusions and makes a decision.
The internal behavior of the Hero echoes the behavior of the internal Philosopher. “If I was fired from my job, I was already fired. Now we need to take this calmly. And... do something!”
The third subpersonality is the Motivator, the former Savior, who now does not justify the Hero’s weaknesses and does not feel sorry for the Philosopher (there is nothing to feel sorry for him, he does not strain and does not suffer). The motivator is happy for the hero and encourages him, painting him rosy pictures of the future that awaits him if the Hero tries. The provocateur examines the behavior of everyone around him, doing some actions and observing what happens.
The internal subpersonality of the Provocateur manifests itself both when the internal Hero is turned on (the person himself performs actions and evaluates them himself, acts as both a Hero and a Provocateur), and when the Philosopher is activated (the person himself thinks “what would it be if” and reacts himself, but within himself, that is, he plays two roles at once: Philosopher and Hero).
Let us recall that each subpersonality has a feminine and masculine nature, and it does not matter who plays the role, a man or a woman. Thus, the subpersonality of the Hero manifests itself as a man, when the Hero decides to take actions and new events, and as a woman, when the Hero thinks whether he can accept new circumstances and be happy at the same time.
A philosopher acts like a man when he analyzes mistakes and draws conclusions, and like a woman when he does not feel anger or irritation at what is happening.
The provocateur acts like a man when he creates situations, and like a woman when he responds with emotions and feelings that are not typical for the “-1” triangle. Forces yourself to feel something new and not aggressively accept it within yourself.
Now let’s see what will happen if the subpersonalities of the “+1” triangle begin to interact with the subpersonalities of the “-1” triangle?
As a rule, for the “-1” triangle this experience is painful.
Let's say the Victim goes to the Savior (who has become the Provocateur), expecting another portion of consolation and support, but is met with irony and sarcasm. It hurts! And it's a shame. And only if the victim has sufficient potential, is she able to reach out to the teacher-Provocateur and follow his reasonable promptings. More often, the Victim does not plan to change anything and, not finding sympathy, gets angry with the Provocateur.
You won't be able to hear the controller either. The Victim is used to living according to the instructions of others, but the Philosopher will not do anything, he will simply leave the Victim alone. In need of a kick and advice, the Victim either begins to delve deeper into his grief and fall even deeper, that is, remains at the same level, or the spirit of contradiction awakens in her, and she automatically begins to provoke herself (this is ideal when a person from the triangle “ +1" manages to stir up the person in the triangle "-1" and encourage them to change. Unfortunately, this happens extremely rarely.
Example:
the alcoholic husband begins to be insolent to his wife, intuitively trying to achieve a reaction of anger and teaching in order to get at least some portion of the usual energy. The Philosopher wife does not pay attention, but the Provocateur wife immediately makes fun of her husband’s behavior or behaves in an unusual way, for example, she genuinely has fun looking at such behavior. The husband, not getting what he wanted, loses the motivation to pretend to be a sufferer and awakens anger (suppressed aggression is transformed into action), a hidden reserve that forces him to change behavior.
From an actor-Victim, he becomes a Hero, that is, he does what he really wanted, for example, at least goes to sleep, instead of doing his usual duties. That is, he makes, albeit incorrectly, an independent choice.
Further, the scenario can develop along a constructive or destructive path, because each step is a choice: to act as in the “-1” triangle or as in the “+1” triangle.
This choice is always made consciously. But to do this, a person must imagine exactly what behavioral traits keep him in the old behavior pattern.
If, after the awakening of the alcoholic Hero, the wife plays the role of the Controller (“I slept through work again!”), then everything will return to normal. And if he turns on the Philosopher, that is, does not react in any way, the alcoholic will be forced to solve the problem himself. And here again there is a choice: he may decide (Hero), or he may not decide (Victim). And again the wife’s reaction is in response: irritation (Controller), acceptance (Philosopher). And so on. And if at least one of the two maintains the bar, sooner or later the second will have no choice: either he will begin to change, or the one who has grown out of a destructive relationship will realize that it is time to simply leave the unnecessary alliance.
Let's give another example
, and describe reactions to the behavior of an alcoholic from the perspective of subpersonalities of different triangles.
The husband drank (the role of the Victim). Feels helpless, useless, offended and angry.
Wife-Controller: creates a scandal, attracts mother-in-law or mother-in-law to help, the next morning she tries to clean the room and wash the Victim’s clothes (in this case she becomes the Savior). Listens to her husband’s complaints in the morning and his apologies (takes the position of the Victim, the husband takes the position of the Savior).
Wife-Philosopher. Look at your husband’s behavior and he doesn’t do anything. Decides next time not to justify her husband to the neighbors (Hero’s decision). In the morning, in response to her husband’s complaints, she says: “Do you like to drink? Love and headaches” (accepts the role of Provocateur).
How to move from Victim to Hero?
So, to think like a Hero, tell yourself the following phrases and strive to do this every time another attack of irritation and resistance to the situation brews inside you.
1. Why am I complaining about these people. How can I fix the situation MYSELF?
2. They are not obligated to solve my problems.
3. What happens to me is my choice. If they behave this way, then I allow it.
4. I don't have to make excuses. It is my choice. But the responsibility is also mine. I am ready that the reaction of others will not be pleasant for me. But I do this myself, and they have the right to react this way.
5. If I am given advice, I should use it, and not blame others and complain about them.
6. I need to find a way to decorate my life without the help of others. I must be able to do what I like and not expect praise.
How to move from Rescuer to Provocateur
1. No one needs my advice and my “truth” until they ask. I'll keep my opinion to myself.
2. I am not God and I don’t know how others should live. They can handle it themselves.
3. I will not promise something that I still cannot deliver.
4. I don't expect gratitude. If I want to help, I will help. If I help so that they will praise me, I will not do it, they may not praise me, it will be unpleasant for me that I did not do it from the heart, but for the “carrot”.
5. No one owes me or should thank me for my actions. This is their right, not their obligation. Consequently, I am not obliged to do everything that I did before for them, this is my RIGHT, not an obligation.
6. I must love myself and increase my self-esteem. By currying favor and doing “good”, I do not become a better person. On the contrary, it seems that I am respected even less. To be loved just like that, I have to love myself just like that, and not for completed tasks.
7. If I really want to help someone, I stop and think: will this really help? Or will the person take advantage of my help again and act as usual? Then how can I help? I cause harm and do not allow him to cope with himself.
The influence of the controller on the life of the victim
The aggressor does not always behave cruelly. Most often, those around you do not even know about the real state of affairs, seeing only the successful facade of the relationship.
The character of an aggressor is formed under the influence of life circumstances. Being in constant tension, he feels tired, exhausted, and is afraid of new problems. Because of this, he cannot relax and trust his partner. The aggressor experiences an irresistible desire to control his life, the life of his partner, and constantly expects deception, betrayal, and difficulties.
You can identify the aggressor in a couple by his behavior. The psychological portrait of the aggressor includes:
- custody turning into control;
- the need to constantly experience strong emotional experiences;
- inability to relax.
If the victim decides to break off the relationship and leaves, the aggressor turns into a stalker. He cannot let go of his partner, realizing that in a healthy relationship he will not experience the tension that gives him a boost of energy
Signs of a codependent relationship. Simple test
Ask yourself a few questions and give an honest yes or no answer.
- Have you ever had to do something for a person if he didn't ask for help? Just because you had experience in a similar situation?
- Do you often hide your feelings (especially negative ones - pain, aggression, despair, resentment)?
- Are you ready to sacrifice your own interests and needs for the sake of a relationship?
- Have you ever had thoughts in your head that the current situation is “your cross” or “your burden”?
- Are circumstances or other people often to blame for your troubles?
- Do you think that others are much luckier in life than you?
- Do you often turn to friends, family, and acquaintances for advice?
- Do excuses appear in your speech: “well, not everything is so bad,” “others have it worse,” “but he doesn’t drink,” etc.?
- Do you think that you can change your partner, make him better?
- Were you instilled in childhood with the moral that the weak need to be protected?
- Do you have no control over yourself during a quarrel? Can you yell or hit your partner?
- Would you say that the vast majority of decisions are made by either you or your partner?
- Do you find it difficult to bear loneliness?
- Do you often feel jealous, fear of loss, or rejected if a man spends time with friends?
- Are you ready to change your manners, appearance, habits, just to continue to please your partner?
- Do you like to be in control?
- If your colleague or friend is systematically late, will you cover for him, even if he didn't ask for it?
- Do you tend to easily forgive people's misdeeds?
If you answered more than three yeses, you are definitely in the Karpman Triangle.
And you probably already understand what role you play. And if the current situation does not suit you, it’s time to move on to solving the problem.
