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November 12, 2017 —
My dear, beloved, dear person to my heart. You and I will never see each other again. You won't hug me or take my hand anymore. You left this world, and in my heart there was only longing, deep as the ocean.
If the feeling of melancholy has been a heavy burden on your soul for many years, then you should not experience vain expectations of getting rid of it. Let's try to figure out why longing for the deceased does not go away over time and how to get rid of longing with the help of system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan.
You cry inconsolably for your deceased loved one, but the demon is already nearby
The bookish man Bogumil Qatar begins his reflections by explaining the importance of a person’s ability to withstand any adversity in life:
“Christ listens to demons and even fulfills their request. How so? It turns out everything is simple. Satan is allowed to act in this world, but in such a way that the Lord always uses it for His purposes. But God and Satan have different goals. Demons have no power over people except lies. Yes, the demon is able to inflict illnesses on us and cook up dirty tricks on us. But understand the main thing, since he does this, it means there is something in your body to cling to. For example, gluttony or other problems lead to illness. And here there are different understandings - the demon is trying to kill you. But without God’s connivance this is impossible for him. The demon will send suffering, and God will turn it into trials. For what? And so that a person understands that overeating is harmful and took charge of his body, began to fight the disease, look for a way out and, finally, was able to get out of this situation with honor. To lie down and moan is to give yourself up to be devoured by a demon. We have to fight. And fight in everything.”
There is no need to grieve immensely and yearn for the one who has gone to the kingdom of heaven.
Then the Commissioner of Qatar goes directly to the topic of conversation, why there is no need to kill yourself and cry heavily for your deceased father, husband, brother, child and other loved ones:
“For example, your relative died. People yearn for him, and demons rejoice. The reason is simple - you think about yourself, and not about your loved one. And he, by the way, may well end up in our Father’s house or preparing for a new reincarnation. You don’t let him go and interfere with him in every possible way, for the sake of your grief. But this is not the Bright Memory of him, which is simply the sadness of parting. There will be another meeting of bright joy for her. This is a satanic obsession. And this way you can bring your own child into a state of being a hostage soul. A soul that, for a number of reasons, remained here after death and did not go to the Father.
So the poor guy is hanging around while his relatives sprinkle ashes on his head, to the delight of Satan. Let him go, you don’t wish him harm. On your part this is not love, but passion. Let him go to the Almighty, and you rejoice for him instead of mourning. Good memories and a prayer for him, in your own words to God, that’s what he needs, not your grief. I repeat, Bright Memory for the deceased, and not the pain of loss.”
Paralyzing feeling of sadness
In the case when a person has both anal and visual vectors, a fusion of mental properties occurs. And then the pain of loss is experienced especially hard. Longing for the deceased forces one to endure the bitter present and live only in the past. After all, it is what stores the memories of the vivid emotions that were experienced together.
And the stronger and more pleasant the emotions were, the deeper the feeling of longing for the deceased. A state of melancholy literally fills the reality around. A person cannot cope with grief and, as it were, erases himself from life, paralyzed by a feeling of melancholy.
Sometimes longing for the deceased is perceived as the equivalent of love. And it seems natural that it lasts for years. After all, the love was so strong. We mourn for the deceased, we feel sorry for him and ourselves, we are offended by fate and outraged by its cruelty. Longing becomes a source of emotion. You can get rid of longing for the deceased only by finding another source of emotions.
Light sadness, not black melancholy
A person experiencing grief needs time to grieve. In Orthodoxy, the period of mourning for the deceased lasts 40 days. And it is limited for good reason. After all, man was created for life. He came to this world to receive pleasure and realize given properties.
The owner of the visual and anal vectors needs to communicate with people. Relatives always need the help of such an attentive and sensitive person. The state of melancholy will go away by itself when the day is spent caring for those who are still nearby. It is caring for others that helps to get rid of longing for the deceased and overcome the fear of loneliness, remove the premonition of a new tragedy and move on with life.
Losing a loved one is painful, and it seems that what happened was unfair. And yet the departed was in life, giving joy and filling it with happiness. His departure does not erase the time and feelings experienced together. The happiness that was, remains happiness forever. And this is no longer melancholy, but gratitude and light sadness. It is this feeling that is worth living with.
“...Six months ago I lost a loved one - my husband. He was killed. He was a wonderful husband, a caring father, the best son and brother! A true friend! Courageous and sensual!.. ...Everything collapsed. They say: “You have someone to live for.” Was. For the sake of my husband, as it turned out, and with his support, I did everything I did! She loved and developed children, filmed their successes. She received an education. I changed my job profile... ...My main result: I don’t want to die now. This may not be the way I achieved this result, but I definitely understand that it is stable! At a lecture on the sound vector, Yuri frightened me so much (by the way, as the owner of the visual-cutaneous vector) with a description of the death of a suicide that, after a long hysteria, I completely forgot to think about it!.. ...And most importantly, I overestimated my relationship with my husband! I realized my importance in our family. My husband idolized me! I answered him the same. Now I understand why this happened, why we were the happiest family in the Universe... And I understand why it still hurts so much. And I’m ready for it to continue to hurt. Now I'm ready to accept it. And I am grateful to him for having him. This kind of love is not given to everyone! Take care of yours if you already have one. And search. And you will find..."
Anna N., Chelyabinsk
“...It was very difficult for me to overcome grief - the loss of a loved one. Fear of death, phobias, panic attacks did not allow me to live. I contacted specialists - to no avail. At the very first lesson of the visual vector training, relief and understanding immediately came to me of what was happening to me. Love and gratitude are what I felt instead of the horror that was before..."
Svetlana K., teacher, Kursk
Author Maria Krokhmal
The article was written using materials from Yuri Burlan’s online training “System-vector psychology”
Blessed memory to a bright man
Further, the Orthodox Old Believer Qatar explains how important it is not sadness about the loss, but the bright memory of a good, kind and bright person:
“People who have lost loved ones often see them in different ways. A bright grove of birch trees on a hill, for example. This is where an honest but pawned soul hides. Birch trees evoke memories and melancholy, despite the beauty of this place. You just don’t understand that these people are angelic souls, right there. A person has lived his life honestly and the only obstacle to his ascension is you.
Do you see a dark thicket with crooked and gaunt trees? You are overcome with fear of this dark and uncomfortable place. There is also a hostage soul there, who has committed a lot of evil on earth.
Let everything take its course, do not interfere with your relative and let him go his way. The earthly path of this Lud, in the form that you knew, no longer exists. And the sooner you understand this, the better. And just live and understand that there are no trials in the world that you cannot endure. God is not Satan, and always works for good. So is it worth going against the good? Should I just submit to God's will? How do you know how this will all turn out? Who told you that this angel will not reincarnate in your family again? And you won’t find peace next to him, not understanding why you are so drawn to this person?”
A loved one has died
Do your departed loved ones from heaven see that you are crying? Can they see your tears? The answer to this question is yes. Your loved ones are completely observant of everything that happens to you, including the tears on your face.
There is nothing that escapes their attention. Remember, no matter what happens, they are always on your side. And when they see your tears, they try to send you something that will cause joy and provoke at least a slight smile on your face through these tears.
They know that your tears are an indicator of the great love that you experience. They also know how much you miss them.
However, there is another important point: your loved ones and loved ones, while in Heaven, are absolutely unable to sense a negative message, thought, feeling or emotion. This means that your loved ones know that you miss them, however, they do not miss you...
Let me clarify this point as well. Since there is no negativity in Heaven, they are unable to miss you. Instead of missing you, they just love you. This is the truth you need to accept and understand.
There, in heaven, they experience pure, unconditional and unshakable love for those who remain on earth. They are confident that they will meet you when you get to heaven. Therefore, there is no point in missing someone.
Our time here on Earth seems to last forever... In heaven, our life is just a blink of an eye....
Release the deceased to the kingdom of heaven and do not cry, do not grieve
“Think carefully, my readers, about what I just said. I’m not a priest or a preacher, I’m a reader of Old Believers and I’ve had to explain this to people more than once. Many, the practical majority, saw the light and began to realize what stupidity they had done in their lives.
Stop thinking about yourself! Think about the Kingdom of Heaven for your loved one. You are not giving him the best feeling. Even if he has already taken his place in the 10th rank and is working as hard as he can. Helps the Heavenly Father, like his returned and now former prodigal son.
By the way, those killed in war have their own peculiarity. They do not always have time to gain life experience, and therefore they are taken into the Army of Christ, where they continue to stand guard over goodness. There they gain the necessary spiritual experience. Those who gave their lives for their friends are definitely on God’s chest.”
In my opinion, Qatar convincingly and intelligibly explained why one should not cry for the deceased, yearn, grieve and kill without knowing the measure. Of course, in the first days after the death of a loved one, it is difficult to hold back tears from the weightless pain of loss. But we must strengthen ourselves with all our might and try to control ourselves even in these most difficult days.
Ivan Ivanovich A.
Meaning of the word mom
The dead must be released
– Some people, after the death of a loved one, quickly come to their senses and return to normal life, others suffer for months and even years, reaching the point of physical illness and mental disorders. Is such excessive suffering a normal reaction to this event?
– When a person loses a loved one, it is natural that he suffers. Suffering for many reasons. This is also grief for that person, beloved, close, dear, with whom he parted. It happens that self-pity strangles someone who has lost support in a person who has passed away. This may be a feeling of guilt due to the fact that a person cannot give him what he would like to give or owes, because he did not consider it necessary to do good and love in his time.
Problems arise when we do not let go of a person. From our point of view, death is unfair, and very often many people even reproach God: “How unfair are you, why did you take it away from me?” But in fact, God calls a person to himself precisely at the moment when he is ready to move on to eternal life. It often happens that a person does not want to let go of a loved one, does not want to put up with the fact that he is no longer there, that he cannot be returned. But death must be accepted as a given, as a fact. It cannot be returned, that's all. And the person begins to return back to him, you know? These are things that are out of the ordinary, but they don’t happen that rarely. Completely unconsciously, a person begins to grieve, and he wants to, as it were, replace it. The desire for death is so strong in us. We need to reach out to life, but we, oddly enough, reach out to death. When we cling to a person who has died, we want to be with him. But we still have to live here, we have tasks. We can only help him here, you know?
It is more difficult for an unbeliever to let go of the deceased, because he may not even realize that it is so difficult for him to part with this loved one due to the fact that he cannot even give him to God. And a believer is accustomed to placing everything on the will of God, because meetings and partings accompany a person throughout his life.
There is a story in the Bible that has an amazing therapeutic effect on people facing stress and death. We are talking about several life fragments of one deeply religious man named Job. Every time, having lost something very important, and there were many significant losses, he repeated: “God gave, God took away.” As a result, God, seeing his strong faith, returns everything in full. This parable is about how, overcoming longing for the departed, we become persistent and strong. A person, in fact, learns to part ways from his very birth. He learns to be with others, identifying himself with society. But at the same time, every time there is a process of disidentification, that is, disconnection, separation. A little man learns to part with his property while still in the sandbox: “My shovel, my basket.” They take it away - he cries, it is very difficult for him to part with what is his. But in reality, there is nothing of ours in the world, you understand? After all, what does “mine” mean? It’s mine, it’s only mine to some extent. At every moment of our lives we must be ready to part with everything that we consider ours. From the point of view of psychology, this is such a phenomenon of human mental life, the acquisition of skills for loss.
There are people who withdraw into themselves and focus on this loss. They seem to intensify these feelings within themselves, and cannot stop the flow of suffering emotions. Since childhood, we get used to parting with grief. Someone gets hung up on this: “This is mine, and that’s it!” So great is the attractive power of this egoistic feeling. And a more mature person knows how to part without pain, without such anguish.
– It turns out that a mature person perceives death more calmly?
– He calmly transfers the deceased into the hands of the One who has the greater right to him. Why? Because maturity is determined by the strength of spirit with which we perceive all the difficult circumstances of life. Whatever happens, we must perceive everything indifferently, indifferently. So St. Rev. Seraphim of Sarov spoke. It is necessary that the soul treats everything equally, or, as it were, equally, both sorrows and joys. There is such absolute calm in everything, and in fact it is very difficult.
The perception of loss and grief of a spiritual and spiritual person is distinguished by the fact that spirituality is associated with strain, emotional fracture, passion, and sensuality. On the contrary, the spiritual attitude is equal, it contains helping, quiet love. I remember how my mother died. This was a completely unexpected event. We said goodbye to her, she was leaving for another city, and the next day they called me that she arrived, went to bed and died. She was only 63 years old, I was seeing off a healthy person. It was a shock for me. Because I lost a loved one completely unexpectedly. But she died in a Christian way, calmly, the way everyone dreams of dying. I have heard more than once: “I wish I could lie down and die.” So she arrived, lay down in her bed and died. And when I came to church, I met my priest - he also knew my mother - I told him, and he said to me: “You, most importantly, perceive this death spiritually.”
I was just becoming a church member at that time, and for me these issues of life and death were, so to speak, unclear. Then I had not yet buried anyone close to me. I kept thinking, what does it mean to perceive spiritually? From the literature that deals with the topic of attitude towards death, I realized that to have a spiritual attitude means not to grieve.
If you couldn't give something to this person, you feel guilty. Often people become fixated and suffer from the fact that they did not give something to their loved one. There is something left that begins to worry them. “Why didn’t I add it? Why didn't you do it? After all, I could,” and with this they go into other circles of perception, they go into depression.
In this case, the person begins to feel guilty. And the feeling of guilt should not be masochistic, it should be constructive. The constructive approach is as follows: “I caught myself thinking that I was stuck on feelings of guilt. We need to solve this problem spiritually.” Spiritually, this means you need to go to confession and admit to God your sin against this person. You need to say: “It’s my fault that I didn’t give him this and that.” If we repent of this, then the person feels it.
For example, I would have approached my mother when she was alive and said: “Mom, forgive me, I didn’t give you this and that.” I don't think my mother won't forgive me. In the same way, I can solve this issue, even if this person is not next to me. After all, with God there are no dead, with God everyone is alive. In the Sacrament of Confession, liberation occurs.
– Why go to church if you can tell God everything at home? God hears everything anyway.
– For an unbeliever, you can start at least with this, you need to admit your guilt. In psychological practice, the following methods are used: a letter to a loved one. That is, you need to write a letter saying that I was wrong, that I didn’t pay enough attention, that I didn’t love you, that I didn’t give you something. You can start with this.
By the way, very often people come to church for the first time precisely in connection with this circumstance, the death of someone. The first time a person can come to church is for a funeral. And many of them may already know that a spiritual tribute means putting some food on the canon, lighting a candle and praying for this person. Prayer is the connection between us and the departed person.
One of the synonyms for the word “cemetery” is “pogost”. “Pogost” comes from the word to stay, because we come here to stay. We stayed a little, and then went back to our homeland, because our homeland is there.
Everything is upside down in our heads. We are confused about where our home is. But our home is there, next to God. And we just came here to stay. Probably, the person who does not want to leave the deceased does not realize that this person has already fulfilled some purpose here.
Why don't we let our loved ones go? Because very often we are attached to the physical. If we talk about my feelings, I missed my mother: I really wanted to cuddle, touch this soft, dear person, that’s exactly what I missed having her next to me, I lacked physical closeness. But we know that this person continues to live, because the human soul is immortal.
When my mother died, I decided for myself the issue of spiritual perception of this event, and I managed to quickly recover. I admitted that I didn't do something. I repented and tried to really do what I had not done to my mother. I took it and did it to another person. Reading the Psalter also helps, magpies, because communication with a loved one, even if he is not around, does not stop.
Another thing is that you can’t go into dialogue. It sometimes happens that people even become mentally ill, they begin to consult with the deceased. At some difficult moment, you can ask: “Mom, please help me.” But this is when it’s very difficult, and it’s better not to bother, still, pray, pray for your loved ones. When we do something for them, then we help them. Therefore, we need to do everything possible that is within our power.
When I solved this problem for myself, and I managed to quickly recover, then one day I come to my friend’s grandmother. And her mother also visited her a couple of times. About forty days after my mother’s death, maybe a little more, I come to visit this grandmother, and she begins to calm me down, console me. She probably thought that I was grieving, that I was very worried, and I told her: “You know, this doesn’t bother me anymore. I know that mom is happy there, and the only thing I miss is that she is not physically next to me, but I know that she is always next to me.” And suddenly, I see, on her table there was some kind of vase, like all grandmothers, with some flowers and something else, and I, completely mechanically, pulled out a piece of paper from there. I pull it out, and there is a prayer written in my mother’s handwriting. I say: “We saw it! She is always next to me. Even now she is next to me.” My friend was very surprised. That’s the connection we have, you know?
We must let go, because when we don’t let them go, it’s painful for them, they also suffer. Because we are connected, just like here on earth, when we don’t give a person freedom, we pull him, we begin to control him, we call: “Where are you? Or maybe it's there? Or maybe you feel bad? Or maybe you feel too good?” Our relationships with deceased loved ones are built on the same principle.
– It turns out that in forty days you recovered from the crisis, that is, forty days is a kind of acceptable period. What deadlines will be unacceptable?
– If a person grieves for a year and it drags on further, then of course this is unacceptable. For a maximum of six months, a year, you can get sick, so to speak, but more is already a symptom of the disease. This means the person became depressed.
– What if he simply cannot get out of this state?
– It doesn’t help, so it’s time to confess another mistake. Why is despondency one of the seven deadly sins? It is impossible to be sad or despondent, this is cowardice, this is a spiritual illness. Faith is the most powerful and reliable medicine.
– Is there any psychological way to motivate yourself to take the first step? After all, some people just think like this: “I have been grieving for him for so long, and thus I remain faithful to him.” How to overcome this?
“We definitely need to do something for the deceased.” First of all, pray for him and submit notes to the temple. And then - more, strength will appear again. The path out of depression is necessarily connected with some actions, at least a little, little by little. You can just at least say: “How I love him, Lord! Help him, Lord!” - All. “I suffer for him, I worry about him. Now he has gone into nowhere, but I know that he is not alone there, that he is with You.” You need to at least say something, do something for the sake of this person, but not be inactive.
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