Hello, today we are discussing a crisis in a relationship with my husband, what to do and how to improve your relationship during a crisis period.
Every married couple faces certain obstacles during their life together. There is a large section on the psychology of family relationships between wife and husband; crises here are divided according to the stages of family development. And each period has its own special recipe for happiness.
In this article, I will give the main causes of crises, tell you how to cope with each of them, and give a universal method that will help you understand your personal situation and resolve any problem in your relationship.
Let me start by saying that the topic of difficulties in relationships with my husband is familiar to me. For many years I tried to avoid conflicts, looked for the strength within myself not to notice and not pay attention to problems, but to no avail.
Today, for me, the Logical Method is a way to resolve any controversial issue with my husband, harmonize our relationship, take something important and necessary out of the conflict, get rid of unnecessary things, establish a dialogue and be heard.
What is written here:
Perhaps you are familiar with the situation when, in your relationship with your husband, you hit a wall of misunderstanding, which is built from reproaches, unfulfilled hopes, hushing up important problems, arguments over trifles and quarrels.
These are completely normal moments of crisis in the life of any family. What is important here is how you both will look for a way out of such a crisis. Can you come to a resolution to the situation in a way that is beneficial and comfortable for each party? How painful will the process of overcoming be for both of you?
The crisis is based on completely natural processes of family development. Therefore, you should not start by blaming yourself or your partner for the current situation. It is important to simply accept without judgment - this is a crisis, and I will look for a way out of it.
So, the main crisis stages of family life:
- First year of marriage
- Crisis after the birth of the first child
- 3-5 years of marriage
- After 10 years of marriage
- After 20-25 years of marriage
There may also be crises of “unforeseen circumstances” - loss of a job, illness of one of the spouses or close relatives who needs to be cared for, and other serious changes in the usual family structure. Each crisis has its own specifics.
It doesn’t matter how many years you have been living together, how far you have plunged into the next difficult stage of the relationship and what caused it. I offer 3 universal steps on how to survive a crisis in your relationship with your husband.
- Step one. Reconsider your relationship with your husband.
- Step two. Eraser.
- Step two. Understand yourself and your fears.
Step 1: Reconsider the relationship. Find harmony.
The first step is to understand your relationship with your spouse and what it is based on. The tool of the Logical Method “Revising Relationships” will work very well here.
Sit comfortably, close your eyes and imagine your husband in front of you. Harmonization of relationships begins with sincere forgiveness. Everyone makes mistakes and no one makes them on purpose. We are just people, without superpowers, we cannot read minds and predict events. You and your husband had reasons to start a family, there was a desire to create something in common, but things turned out the way they did. And here it is important to calm down, forgive and ask for forgiveness. And while breathing, take your claims, your negativity to yourself, and give him his negativity.
I described this technique in detail in the “Tools” section, you can familiarize yourself with it and do it right now.
As a result, you will see that even without a direct conversation with your husband, your relationship will begin to change. This will happen because your souls managed to say a lot to each other during this hour and forgive each other.
Most likely, the relationship will not reach ideal levels in one session; you can repeat this practice over and over again. She has no time limits and cannot harm anyone in any way.
Do it yourself, focused, leisurely. This tool will allow you to remove the main tension from your relationship, turn a quarrel into a conversation, and a complaint into a request.
You will see how powerfully and positively this practice works. You will be surprised at how easily you can correct a seemingly hopeless situation. It is based on the ability to forgive and ask for forgiveness without resorting to personal conversation.
Step 2: Eraser. Don't allow new quarrels.
Remember a happy moment of your life together, at least a few happy minutes. Imagine before your eyes the first bouquet your husband gave you, or his admiring look on your wedding day, or some secret affectionate name that you called him. Write this memory down on a piece of paper.
As soon as you feel that a storm, a scandal is approaching, or you are ready to get upset because of his behavior, start saying this phrase from a piece of paper. Firmly repeat it in your thoughts, don’t let go, say it for at least 5 minutes, and the maximum is unlimited.
Do this and you will see that you do not want to conflict at all. Moreover, the husband will change his attitude. You will stop adding wood to the fire of your quarrel, and it will subside.
More details about this tool are also written in the “Tools” section of the blog - read it and use it.
Step 3: Face your fears.
Every crisis has its own underlying causes. And when the fire subsides, your relationship will come to a state of balance. You will learn not to react to irritation with an eraser. Now is the time to look for what is making you worry. Most often it is hidden stress and fear.
Why is it so important to understand what you are afraid of? Panic takes a lot of energy. It does not allow you to look at the problem soberly, to see all its advantages and areas for growth. Below I will give examples of basic fears, depending on the stage of development of the relationship.
Remember that any fear can be overcome. This is not at all difficult to do using Academician Losev’s Logical Method - I will teach you how.
So, below I will describe the main crisis stages in the life of a family and give examples of traditional accompanying fears and claims.
Not everything is lost?
The psychology of relationships distinguishes family crises according to the years lived. First year, third, fifth, etc. Somewhere else there was a theory that crisis situations brew between spouses every three years.
I think this is all nonsense. The crisis will find you equally in the first month and in the tenth year, if a man and a woman are establishing relationships, rather than creating and building them. There are 5 obvious indicators of tension in family life and, in principle, in relationships, regardless of the stamp in the passport:
- Two extremes: you either swear, making it personal, or don’t talk at all.
- You don't spend time together.
- You practically don’t have sex, only occasionally, as if for show.
- You are infuriated by habits that you had never noticed in him before (his, by the way, too).
- Everyone is thinking about divorce. It's easiest to escape, after all.
In each case, there are other bells, quieter or louder - write in the comments which ones you noticed in your relationship. Well, there are two options: either fix it, influence the situation, or fold your arms.
What should I do?
We all want to believe in the magic of love, but relationship psychology experts have long figured out the laws behind the appearance of butterflies in the stomach.
Of course, in relationships, most couples make do with intuition and “gut feeling,” but if that’s not enough, a few good tips will help get your relationship back on track.
Let's look at the main love problems that can threaten your marriage both 10 years and 1 year after marriage.
Call an ambulance?
A crisis is a kind of strength test for every family. What future your couple has is up to you to decide. It is you who can create the reality you want.
The main question is that a self-sufficient woman does not bring her relationship with her husband to the stage of open conflict.
If you reach a dead end, look back at your behavior and only then at your husband’s behavior. Somewhere you yourself did not give the necessary energy, emotion and received nothing in return, so the balance was upset.
You can work on the main mistakes in relationships as part of my free online course Man: Honest Instructions.
I will talk about the psychology of a man on behalf of a man and you will understand at what point that balance was upset.
You can not only eat with your mouth
Let me guess, you couldn't talk to each other before? And now you take turns plugging into gadgets while you lie next to each other in bed.
Rare moments of communication are reduced to retelling news from mutual friends, a shopping list and a casual “How are you? “Fine” after work.
The number one relationship killer is the cell phone. Put it down, now. Turn off notifications. Go and ask your man out on a date.
Find out when HE comes home, open the doors with a smile. I know that you are tired too, but only your initiative for change motivates your man to change.
Open a bottle of wine. Remember pleasant moments from the past - start the relationship again. Simply, without warning or introductory words.
Ask how he is doing. Don’t forget that it is important not only to speak, but also to listen. A very common mistake women make is precisely their inability to listen to their man. But for us this is very important.
Trust me, he will be pleasantly surprised. This is why many men withdraw into themselves because they do not see the interest and sparkle in the eyes of the woman they love. Why say something when they never listen to you?
Show him that you are interested in him. Nod, smile, don't interrupt. Be sure to look him in the eye. And I beg you, don’t yawn.
A little trick: ask open-ended questions. That is, those that require a detailed answer, rather than “yes”/“no”. And even better...
Feed, drink and ask directly: “How do you want me today?” Try it and see what happens! Little things like this give rise to a reboot.
Causes of crisis in relationships
A marriage union is a voluntary union of two self-sufficient partners who have joined forces to improve the quality of life. Sounds a little pretentious? But this is what it is: a voluntary union of independent and independent individuals. The first years of life together are always positive, but then things start to deteriorate. Suddenly, grumbling notes of discontent, reproaches and resentment appear. What is this? Psychologists give the following name to this condition: crisis in relationships.
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You need to know the enemy by sight, so let’s first look at the causes of the crisis in relationships. Crisis psychology of family relationships has long specialized in identifying problems in mutual understanding between spouses and relatives. Psychologists have managed to save thousands of married couples from breaking up their relationships, thanks to the practical experience and knowledge they have gained. Unfortunately, not all spouses understand that a family needs to be built like a house - brick by brick, log by log. Psychologists teach adults simple truths: how to build a marriage so that it becomes happy and strong.
The reasons for the crisis are simple: spouses stop hearing each other. In the absence of dialogue, various misunderstandings and disagreements arise. If previously the couple was united by “hormonal love”, and mutual understanding occurred by itself, then over time the severity of hormonal surges dulled. In the absence of hormonal colors that paint feelings in many bright colors, the partner looks unattractive and disappointing. Unfortunately, the age of “hormonal love” is short-lived, and something needs to be done about it. Therefore, in the past, marriages were concluded not by children, but by parents instead of children: “hormonal love” was not trusted.
But some psychologists are optimistic about the cessation of hormones and consider the crisis as the next stage in the development of family relationships. It is important to simply look at your partner with different eyes and listen to his words and desires. But not everyone is capable of this feat (just hearing a person), because a disappointed ego dictates its rights. Once you overcome the influence of a disappointed ego, you can find a qualitatively new relationship: it will be based not on passion hormones, but on trust and mutual understanding. Psychotraining can help this couple.
Psychologists consider the age of forty to be dangerous in relationships. At this time, a person comes to the realization that life is over and only old age lies ahead. He suddenly realizes that he has lived wrong, that he has lived his life with the wrong partner, that he has not received enough attention and love from his partner. At this time, registry offices record numerous divorces, although some spouses are already turning gray at their temples.
Another transitional stage in the relationship between spouses is the birth of children. It would seem a long-awaited event. But it's not that simple. Some men cannot cope with the changed family situation and simply leave the family. The same can happen if a member of the household becomes seriously ill: not every man is able to withstand a change in the family environment. It’s easier to just run away than to infringe on your interests.
Cheating on your significant other is one of the most common causes of crisis in relationships. But more often than not, betrayal is a consequence of an already existing crisis rather than its cause. Cheating is an attempt to compensate for missing affection, a thirst for new sensations, and the emptiness of the inner world. Psychologists will tell you how to deal with this. Someone goes to psychics and magicians to resolve the issue of their significant other’s infidelity.
Other reasons for crisis relationships:
- change in family budget due to job loss;
- intervention of the older generation (parents);
- moving to another city/country;
- long separation due to business trips or other reasons;
- emotional coldness and indifference.
Each family has its own reasons for discord in relationships; they may be different from conflicts in other families.
Is sex life-giving?
Sex shop toys, role-playing games, Kama Sutra. Have you tried it? Then it's time! Sexy lace lingerie and moderate female initiative have not yet harmed a single married couple.
Try to diversify your sex life. Focus on spontaneity, choose interesting locations. Just don't get hung up on city parks, fitting rooms and restaurant toilets. There is no taste or imagination in this.
If the spontaneous approach does not suit you, try “organized” and atmospheric sex.
Once a week, put everything aside and just enjoy each other.
Another important nuance: if you don’t “hear” each other in sex, finally voice your preferences to the man. Simple and direct. And ask him what he likes. These are questions that can save family relationships.
Instead of pretending once again, give him a direction and take him from point A to point B - you both win.
Child
Over the years of marriage, many couples have children. Oddly enough, such a happy event often brings problems. This is usually due to constant fatigue, lack of sleep, and a retreat into the background of one’s interests. Men complain that their wives stop taking care of themselves and paying attention to him, refuse sex, and are only concerned with the child. This period must be endured - children grow so quickly! Love your wife and child, be responsible, help them and pay attention - remember that most people go through this period of life and remember it with a smile.
By the way, about questions...
Don't be afraid to ask your man questions that interest you. A man doesn’t understand hints, so stop playing the guessing game.
You may seem smart to yourself, but believe me, few women actually succeed in this. No one talks about ideals and dreams, but there are things that don’t suit HIM in your relationship.
It’s easier to find out and solve the problem than to smoke and pollute the atmosphere with grievances, anger and other negativity.
In turn, tell him what you would like to change in your relationship and in his behavior towards you.
“Our lives have been consumed by everyday life!”
Previously, you talked about art, talked about love and travel, but now only about work, washing windows and upcoming renovations?
No marriage can do without solving everyday problems, but sometimes they turn into a real curse. Fortunately, you can protect yourself from such negativity.
Don't slow down your horse and don't put out the hut
If in your family relationships you carry everything on yourself, you have become involved with a rogue. You signed up for this deliberately and now you are reaping the benefits.
You have a chance to make things right. Forget about the phrase “I myself!” Ask him for help.
When you decide and do everything yourself, you kill his male potential. Just give your man his manhood. Let him be the main and breadwinner in the family.
Explain to your man that you also have the right to rest. “Well, mine won’t lift my butt off the sofa!” - you think. Just the opposite.
Conduct an experiment: ask a man for help, gently, in a feminine way, as if you could never cope without his strong and courageous shoulder - you will see what happens.
And remember, if a confrontation arises, do not let the conversation develop into a showdown, and then into a scandal.
With affection, a smile, and gentle words, you will always achieve much better results than with reproaches, claims, and screaming. They never work.
Psychologist
a method that has been successfully practiced in the West for a long time is gradually gaining popularity in our country.
A visit to a family psychologist will not be superfluous for couples who are not in crisis; it perfectly helps to understand the source of problems and get rid of it. What can we say about families on the verge of destruction! Professionals put all their experience into saving such couples, usually requiring several sessions. There is only one downside to this method - the services of a psychologist are often expensive. But think about it - is money really more important than saving your own relationship? Leave a comment:
