Abusers: Who are they? Characteristics of Abusive Relationships

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In relationships we seek love, care and acceptance. But some people don't need this. They want only one thing: complete control over their partner. And they achieve this in every possible way - from subtle manipulations to threats, harassment and beatings.

Psychologists call How to Recognize the Signs of Mental and Emotional Abuse such people abusers (from English abuse - violence, abuse). The consequences of a relationship with such a partner can What Are the Short- and Long-Term Effects of Emotional Abuse? be catastrophic. These include mental disorders (insomnia, depression, anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder), physical injuries, or even death if the aggressor turns to physical violence.

The best way to protect yourself from this is to recognize such a person in time and break off any relationship with him. Here are the phrases and actions that indicate Am I being abused? abuser.

What is abuse

When we hear the word “violence,” many of us have associations with physical torture, torture, beatings, and forced sexual intercourse. All this is physical violence, but there is no less, and often more cruel and dangerous violence - psychological. This is abuse. This behavior is intended not only to destroy the life of the victim and cause her harm, but also to manipulate her: in this way, the abuser often tries to achieve personal gain from the interlocutor.

Homelessness.

Children deprived of parental love and care face a lot of psychological problems in adulthood. The consequences of emotional or physical influence from parents can be: social maladaptation, tendency to break laws, prostitution, drug addiction, substance abuse, alcoholism. Unfortunately, homelessness affects not only children who, for a number of reasons, live separately from their parents, but also those who live with their families, but whose parents do not fulfill their duties. Neglect is manifested by the following phenomena:

• parental abandonment of the child;
• emotional neglect, lack of support;
• lack of education in the child;
• deprivation of necessary medical care, basic necessities, food;
• beating;
• coercion to do something;
• ignoring situations in which a child may harm himself.

Portrait of an abuser: main signs

Abuse is often a permanent characteristic of a person. There is a certain type of people who are accustomed to achieving success in life in this unpleasant way - by causing harm to others. And in this regard, abusers are endowed with certain signs in behavior, relationships, and character that make it easy to recognize them.

Below are important signs to look out for:

:

• The abuser constantly speaks about loved ones in a negative way, often even insultingly. He constantly makes comments, criticizes, and when talking about loved ones, he often shouts and swears.
• The abuser has an unpredictable mood: he is often and easily offended, and at the same time shows aggression. With this he is trying to beg for forgiveness. It is not easy to receive it from an abuser; when the conflict is over, the abuser refuses to calmly discuss the problem, as if nothing had happened.
• The abuser constantly monitors his victim, intrudes into personal space; he controls her behavior, reads personal correspondence, finds out where she is at every moment. The abuser also tries to doubt the correct understanding of things, the intelligence of the victim, and constantly imposes his understanding of things.
• The abuser often threatens his victim, uses physical force, and tries to persuade him to have sexual contact when the victim does not want it.

Yes, physical and psychological violence are closely related, and “masters of abuse” often move from words to action, trying to beat or rape the interlocutor. This is, so to speak, the last stage of abuse, when the rapist feels that verbal attacks do not have the necessary impact on the victim.

Some people think that abuse is typical for authoritative and influential people with great power. In fact, most often the abusers are completely different people: either they do not have any special meaning in life and, in particular, in the eyes of loved ones, but they consider this unfair and try to take “their place” with the help of violence (because other methods are unfamiliar to them) ; or their power and influence is limited to one narrow circle - for example, the owner of a company sets his own rules in it, but he cannot influence the personal lives of employees, and then he uses methods of psychological violence.

Any bloody (and not so bloody) dictator can serve as a political example of an abuser. He achieves success solely through intimidation of the population, humiliation of people, physical violence, torture and mass repression. With the help of the arrest and extermination of the “infidels,” he achieves universal love for his person.

Abuse occurs in different areas of life: in family relationships, at work, in politics, sports, education, friendly groups, etc.

Abuse can take the strangest forms. It happens, for example, that a person constantly points out the shortcomings of his partner, of which he finds many, and tries to “correct” them. And the process seems to be going well, but the number of shortcomings does not disappear, and often only increases. Instead of corrected shortcomings, new ones appear. As a result, the victim is constantly in the position of a guinea pig, whom the partner uses for his crazy experiments, and at the same time she always remains in his eyes an inferior being.

Many people are interested in the question of how a person becomes an abuser. Such a character does not just appear. An abuser is always a person who has some kind of psychological problems in the past or present. He may, for example, experience some kind of psychological trauma in childhood. As a child, he could also lack love and attention. He could grow up in a dysfunctional family, and he perceived the example of his loved ones as proper standards of behavior. Let us remember that in the early period the child perceives his surroundings uncritically, and the example of adults is the absolute norm for him. Subsequently, changing his attitude towards life may not be easy for him, especially since childhood experience has passed into the realm of the subconscious.

The victim, however, is also not a carefree and harmonious person. She always has some weakness, which forces her to adapt and endure humiliation in exchange for making up for her deficiency.

It happens that the victim and the abuser change places over time. There may even be some kind of struggle for dominance between them.

Often the victim perceives the abuser’s changeable attitude towards himself as ardent and all-consuming love; This is especially typical for very young boys and girls, when, as it seems, everything in the body is “playing.”

In one of the real stories, a girl met a guy who at first showed quite “normal” feelings for her, then became painfully jealous; after that they did not communicate for some time, and then suddenly met again. The guy put the girl in the car, locked the doors and said that he would not let her out until she said that she would be his wife. If she continued to refuse, he threatened to accelerate and crash into something solid so that they would die at the same time. Such “ardent love” raises deep doubts about its sincerity. It is obvious that the young man treats the girl (and a stranger who does not live with him, does not communicate and leads her own life) as his property.

It is interesting that the girl was not offended by all this, but decided to reciprocate. That is, of course, not to subject him to the same torment, but to love him. At first she liked his aggressiveness, especially since before that they went to martial arts classes together and became familiar with “strong” relationships between people. They had a wedding, during which, however, he did not stop humiliating her and being jealous even of his friends at the celebration.

Some time after the wedding, he began to humiliate her not only with words, but also with deeds - he began to use physical force. And he did this with particular sophistication, each time inventing new tortures. At the same time, he said that he was doing this for her own safety. In general, his attitude towards her became worse and worse, but the girl continued to endure. The husband did not work, he lived at her expense. When the child was born, he began to mock him too. Especially in those moments when he got very drunk, and he got drunk often. As a result, the young woman could not stand it, took the child and went to live with her parents. But he did not want to leave her alone and got to her again.

The curious fact was that one day he finally confessed to her: he said that he deliberately provoked unpleasant situations so that she would understand how important he was to her.

All this time, the girl was either contemplating resolutely leaving him or trying to reconcile. The story ended with a “happy ending”: the tormenting husband left on his own, ceasing all ties with the woman. Just in case, she moved to another apartment.

A frantic desire to have children is another hallmark of an abusive partner. This is usually characteristic of the husband; he hurries his wife, although she tries to explain to him that she is not ready yet, and he too - he doesn’t earn enough, for example. If a wife gives birth, then the husband immediately gets rid of her problems. She has to take care of the child herself, and also take care of her husband. Often he demands intimacy immediately after childbirth, not even agreeing that this may be physically impossible. In the future, the husband does not want to contribute to raising the child, and this is in the best case; He often bullies him too, and in addition, in front of the child, he humiliates his own wife, which is an even bigger nightmare for her.

An abusive boss is a special type of personality. The point lies in the very essence of such a process as leading an organization. To become a successful manager, it is not always necessary to have a specialized specialty: the main task of a manager comes down to selecting an intelligent team of employees who should be specialists in their field. At the same time, the manager may have a certain inferiority complex: for example, he himself dreamed of being a programmer, but he was not able to study the process of creating programs, which he painfully regrets, and therefore envies anyone who is an expert in this field. And so, when recruiting software engineers for his company, he tries to realize his envy in such a cruel way - by humiliating them and preventing them from working. The inferiority complex here is mixed with a sense of superiority: he is supposedly the head of this organization, and they are just ordinary workers. But the superiority remains unrealized, because in his eyes these simple programmers are much more intelligent, talented and creative than himself, and are doing what he himself, deep down in his soul, wants to do. Yes, this happens even in our time: big money and big power do not bring happiness to a person, and he begins to envy those who have more significant virtues than money and power.

Varieties

First option . Psychological impact: threats, humiliation, belittlement, insult. Thus, the partner is taught that he himself is worthless, cannot do anything, is not capable of anything. As a result, a person loses interest in life and communication with other people, is constantly depressed and depressed, and self-esteem decreases. In short, a person begins to believe what his partner tells him day after day.

There are two subtypes of psychological abuse:

• Open - the partner openly expresses dissatisfaction with his significant other, he can do this demonstratively and publicly, in the circle of relatives and friends or complete strangers. In this version, the abuser can specifically work for the public and put on colorful performances.
• Hidden - the partner is reserved and polite in front of strangers, may even show tenderness, but in private he constantly expresses his dissatisfaction, scolds and tries to teach.
• The abuser tries in every possible way to convince his partner that he will not find anything better in his life, that he cannot live even a day without him. When asked by a partner why the abuser needs him, the abuser can answer that he loves him like no one else can do, that he feels sorry for his partner and that he is with him only to make him better.

Also, psychological abuse can be expressed in blackmail or attempts to manipulate a partner for one’s own purposes. The result is psychological trauma, mental disorders, hysteria, nervous breakdowns, depression and a state of constant stress for the abuser’s partner.

Second option . Physical violence, intentional harm to health, from minor injuries to the most serious damage. Physical violence can manifest itself in aggressive states or as a result of alcohol intoxication.

Third option . Sexual violence is inclination towards intimacy without the desire and physical readiness of the partner. Result: psychological shock, indifference to everything, apathy and suicidal tendencies.

Fourth option . Economic abuse is the introduction of dependence on a partner by controlling finances. The partner is forced to account for any amounts spent; there is complete control over the partner’s expenses, reporting and accusations of squandering. Result: issuing a certain amount for a certain period of time, possibly withdrawing the partner’s personal funds. Result: depressed and stressed state.

What types of abuse are there?

Abuse comes in many different forms; its varieties differ from each other in purpose, methods of influence, scope of application

:

• Abuse in the family
  is a very terrible phenomenon; at the same time, parents, using their power over the child, show him their superiority. They suppress the child’s will, humiliate him, traumatize his psyche, and use physical force. Abuse can also be used against other family members. Family abuse is dangerous, in particular, because children raised in such an environment will consider it the norm. They will treat their children in the future in exactly the same way. They will use abuse in other life situations. The study of the psychology of people raised in dysfunctional families has a long history. Often such people become dangerous criminals.
• Physical abuse
  – threats of physical harm, beatings, intimidation, damage to property, harm to health, restriction of the ability to move freely, communicate with other people, etc.
• Psychological abuse
  – driving to hysteria, psychosis, suicide; the victim sharply lowers self-esteem, becomes disappointed in life and in his abilities. Aggression can be verbal, or the abuser demonstrates dominant behavior or displays groundless jealousy. Psychological abuse also includes blackmail, criticism, ridicule, devaluation, etc.
• Abuse at work
  - bullying, slander, falsification of facts, false prosecution.
• “Female” or “male” abuse
  . The first option is most often chosen. Women who have a certain inferiority complex try to overcome it with the help of psychological violence against men. This is not just a husband, boyfriend, brother or other family member: a boss can treat male subordinates with particular cruelty. There is a special form of female abuse – sexual harassment of women towards men. Of course, all of the above is also found in male behavior towards women.
• Abuse in friendship
  takes place in a team where a dominant subject stands out. He may harm other team members out of envy, revenge, hatred, or simply to demonstrate his superiority. Such people are accustomed to achieving their own benefits at the expense of others. Often they strenuously appeal to friendly feelings, but at the same time, by their behavior, they distort the very concept of friendship.
• Narcissistic abuse
  . This type of psychological abuse is used by pathological narcissists who believe in their exclusive superiority. They choose famous, talented and influential individuals as victims. The main goal of such an abuser is to make the victim suffer, humiliate her, and force her to apologize to him. This is the narcissist's way of trying to get attention. After all, he is not satisfied with the fact that all the fame and recognition does not go to him.

  A narcissist abuser simply cannot stand the fact that other people, especially his loved ones, enjoy life, are happy, and achieve success. He tries with all his might to “bring him to the bottom”; therefore, he sharply devalues ​​her achievements, talents, even her mental and mental health.

  An example of such an abuser is given in an old joke. Someone comes to the military department and demands to enroll himself as a pilot. When he is refused (for example, on health grounds), he asks to be assigned to air defense. "Why?" - asks the official, and he answers: “If I don’t fly, then let no one fly!”

Who do abusers choose as a victim?

Theoretically, anyone can fall into the network of an abuser. He does not always choose a weak, dependent and easily vulnerable person as a victim. Often the victim is a bright and strong personality.

Here are some common types of victims

:

• The object of everyone's envy
  : a beautiful, successful person, happy, rich... The abuser seeks to destroy everything beautiful in this person.
• Object of hatred
  : this could be a person who is constantly laughed at or was laughed at as a child; he could have been rejected, his loved ones turned away from him, etc. In this case, it is easy for the abuser to find a reason for humiliation and offense.
• A man with a strong character, who is not at all easy to figure out
  . For a “professional” abuser, this is a reason to practice, improve their level, and therefore self-esteem.
• A person who is satisfied with his life, living without worries and problems
  . The abuser will certainly try to bring these problems to him.
• Victim of another abuser
  . It is also not difficult to catch such a person by convincing her that the new acquaintance is not at all the same as the previous tormentor.
• A weak and deeply unhappy person
  : a graduate of an orphanage, an orphan, someone who was left without a livelihood, etc.

There are categories of people who are at risk: single mothers, children from disadvantaged families, visitors, migrants, notorious people, public figures, famous personalities, rich and wealthy people who are strongly interested in personal relationships.

Abusive relationships: how to protect yourself

If there is an attack, then there must be protection from it. Any relationship with an abuser must be stopped as soon as possible, otherwise he may leave no stone unturned in the life of the victim.

To identify an abuser in the early stages of a relationship, you can compare his promises and how he fulfills them. Before starting a relationship, he can promise, as they say, a lot, but in the relationship itself he can seem to forget about his words. This should already raise suspicions.

Subsequently, the abuser begins his vile game: constant insults, whining, demanding excessive attention to himself. He may say that his partner does not love him, may be jealous for no reason, and constantly accuse him of something. In a relationship, the abuser can sometimes show intense passion, then suddenly move away, disappear for a while, and make you worry. All this is nothing more than manipulation.

How to get rid of it

:

• His words should be taken with skepticism. Don't believe everything he says.
• It is necessary to break off all relations with him: leave, turn off the phone, do not make contact under any pretext. In any case, it will be better than dragging out the relationship with him further.
• You need to turn to relatives and friends for support, it is also advisable to find a good psychologist.
• It is important to occupy yourself with something interesting, to learn to live freely.

Of course, an abuser will not abandon his failed victim so easily. he can pursue, follow around, insist on renewing the relationship. All his words must be answered with a strict and principled refusal, and all his actions towards you must also be strictly suppressed.

It is also important to protect yourself from future connections with abusers. A person must know his own worth. If, for example, a girl does not know how to value herself, then she will start a relationship with any suspicious person, just so as not to remain lonely; will marry a rich man and, in exchange for a prosperous life, will endure all humiliation and insults; will take pity on the “unfortunate” man, so that she can then carry him on her hump. Such a girl will almost certainly go to save her loved one - if he, for example, is a criminal, a gambler, a drug addict, etc. You shouldn’t do this, because in this case she shifts all the problems of an essentially worthless person onto herself person.

Vulnerable guy

Inna's story

One morning Inna woke up, saw another bouquet of white roses on the table - the third in the last ten days - and smiled. She was lucky: the man with whom she had been communicating for two months was very caring and attentive.

He never allowed her to pay for her favorite cocktails on her own, made unexpected and sometimes very expensive gifts, and tried to fulfill every one of her wishes, even if they did not depend on him.

Inna felt something was wrong, but her friends repeated:

- Stop bragging about your man!

There really was nothing to complain about: educated, smart and sincere, he talked with her about gender stereotypes, society, the country, his past problems and fears.

It all started when he suggested spending a vacation together. Inna dreamed of going to Paris, and alone - she had not gone on vacation for three years and wanted to get to know France exactly as she saw fit. It seemed rude to refuse, but Inna didn’t want to change her plans.

“We could,” she said, “spend the weekend together somewhere other than Paris.” I still have a week of vacation left.

“Why don’t you want me to go to Paris with you?” Do you have any dates planned there?

I am an abuser: how to help yourself

Yes, there are often people who admit that they are abusers. Some of them take their “disease” calmly, some even like it. And others feel that they suffer from their abuse and try to get rid of it.

Abuse is not a mental disorder, it is just a special personality type. It is possible to change such a personality, but only if she herself wants it. You can keep a diary. You can ward off “attacks” of abuse: every time the desire to annoy someone arises, you need to hammer a nail or mentally cut off your finger. It is necessary to control your behavior: learn to listen to your interlocutors, understand their point of view, respect their right to freedom, and not overstep the boundaries of personal space. It is also necessary to understand that there are no justifications for violence: they are all just hypocrisy, wishful thinking.

You should not be ashamed of the manifestation of human feelings. Any strong personality needs these feelings.