“He doesn’t understand me!” - every married woman uttered this phrase at least once in her life. What are these: simple words spoken out of emotion, or a statement of fact? Then how to live with your husband if there is no mutual understanding? Or maybe it’s not about a specific man, but about everyone? Perhaps they are genetically unable to understand women and satisfy all their desires and needs? All this will be discussed in this article.
Short-lived happiness from marriage
In the first days and weeks of a marital relationship, as well as at the beginning of acquaintance and the birth of love, it seems that happiness has finally arrived. The newlyweds are in an excellent mood; they see family life as easy, cloudless and endlessly joyful. But very soon this euphoria ends, and is replaced by gray everyday life, everyday troubles, and also one of the most common reasons for a quarrel: the problem of mutual understanding. The better a man and a woman get to know each other in marriage, the weaker their sexual attraction becomes, because their dreams have come true, turning into real life, which means that sex has moved from violent passion into the ordinary performance of marital duties.
Marriage kills romance
Over time, husband and wife stop treating each other as reverently and tenderly as before the wedding. Affection and flirting disappear, compliments are said less and less often, they are replaced by criticism and mutual claims. Selfishness awakens in each of the spouses; one wants the partner to indulge and please in everything. Such desires give rise to omissions, resentments, and disappointment.
If you want to maintain mutual understanding in the family for as long as possible, then you need to cherish love, try to bring at least a drop of romance into everyday life: a small surprise, flowers for no reason, walks in the park, a kiss when meeting and goodbye. Moreover, it should not be friendly, on the cheek, but real, passionate. It’s as if you’re not married, like when you just met and haven’t had time to get enough of each other. Love will preserve a marriage as long as there are greedy, long kisses in it.
Parents' experience transferred to the child
Parents build relationships with their children on their authority and based on the stages of life they have passed. They strive to prevent the repetition of their mistakes and try to teach their children not to step on the same rake. This seems right.
In many families, children are accustomed to constant restrictions, they are told “don’t do this, don’t go there.” But adults may not understand that personal experience and mistakes are necessary for the full development of personality. And when teenagers strive to do everything their own way, to go their own way, with falls and mistakes, moms and dads are perplexed.
Why didn’t their child listen to the wise advice given for the good? The answer is simple: it is impossible to live only by someone else’s experience; each person has the right to his own mistakes and the chosen path.
No understanding with husband
Preserving a marriage and building family comfort is a difficult task, but doable if both spouses take on it. Most often, it happens that the wife beats on a closed door, trying for the good of her husband, and does not receive any gratitude in return. Married men develop a consumerist attitude towards a woman who must cook for them, wash, clean, give birth to children, take care of them herself, not interfere with watching TV, still work, look good, but not spend money on cosmetics and beauty salons . The husband is sure that he does not owe anything and is quite capable of making his wife happy simply by his presence, or, at best, by the salary he brings. Tired of this situation, periodically asking herself the question of how to live with her husband if there is no mutual understanding, the woman does not find the right answer and decides to divorce. But is the marriage doomed? After all, just recently you lived in dreams about this person, looked forward to meeting him, solemnly swore in the registry office of eternal love and care in sorrow and joy.
Psychologists suggest using some recommendations, thanks to which mutual understanding and trust can return to family relationships.
The Treachery of a Safe Harbor
Much more dangerous than quarrels for spouses, psychologists say, is the state of the “cold war”: outwardly everything seems quiet and peaceful, but in essence life turns into loneliness together. This situation often arises during a midlife crisis.
Resolving problems that arise in a mature family is much more difficult than in the first years of marriage, when a young couple is still unstable and easily creates new communication stereotypes. And at the age of 40–45, the spouses’ children are already adults, the family nest is empty, intimate relationships become less attractive - in short, many reasons arise for mutual alienation.
“The degradation of relations between spouses does not happen instantly,” says Tatyana Gerasimova. “But when the result is obvious, it means that the spouses did not attach serious importance to the “small episodes.” Moving forward is often hampered by selfishness, one’s own mental laziness, and loss of trust in each other.
If you can’t figure out the relationship and talk through the situation, you can try to come from the other end. For example, go on a trip together or at least for a short vacation. The very change of scenery “breaks through” the dull monotony of life, and it is quite possible that the desire to talk about your problems one evening over a glass of wine in a cafe will set you up for a wave of understanding.
Sometimes it makes sense to get back together with old friends or remember and repeat the extreme actions of your youth - for example, shaking up the old days and racing together on a motorcycle along a night street or... However, there are many options, the main thing is not to be lazy to look for them and find them.
Better yet, consult a psychologist. Even if your other half is not ready for this yet. An experienced specialist will help you understand the problems and take an objective look at the existing relationship.
Tips for saving your marriage
- We need to try to understand male psychology, because it is fundamentally different from female psychology. Men think and perceive the words of their lovers and, in general, everything that happens differently, which is why girls feel that they are not heard, not loved, not appreciated, not respected. The book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” describes in detail the problem of lack of mutual understanding, as well as how to deal with it without destroying the marriage bond.
- Give your husband freedom, do not forbid him and limit control over him. For him, being in thought and doing what he loves is of great importance. If he wants to meet friends from time to time, go fishing or play chess, allow him to do so. Personal time will benefit both spouses. The wife will have the opportunity to meet with friends, go shopping or play sports.
- Accept your husband for who he is with all his shortcomings. Do not try to change it, since this idea is doomed to failure from the very beginning: it is almost impossible to force an adult to live differently, contrary to his preferences. Moreover, since you married him, it means he’s not so bad. Therefore, try to see only his positive qualities. And if you really don’t like some of his actions, then you should talk about it. There is no need to hush up problems, because sometimes the spouse may not even be aware of their existence.
- Do not accumulate resentment and anger within yourself. You need to talk about your problems, not swear, but discuss, conduct a constructive dialogue. Silence leads to the fact that one spouse runs out of patience, and the other did not even realize all the time that the situation at home is not ideal.
- Mutual understanding in a family is impossible without communication between partners on all exciting and conflicting topics. Learn to listen to your interlocutor and not interrupt. Do family things together, this way you can devote more time to each other.
- Let work problems and tension remain outside the family nest. It is difficult for a husband to understand his wife if yesterday, when she came home from work, she hugged him, and today she screamed from the doorway, although in both cases he did the same thing. Women are characterized by emotional swings. On such days, the husband is an accidental “lightning rod”. If he is aware that his wife is having such an attack, then his correct behavior is to remain silent and not react with scream to scream.
Misunderstanding of parents. For them I am a bad, worthless daughter...
Question for a psychologist:
Hello, my name is Alexandra, I’m 18 years old. I live with my parents and lately the relationship between us has been getting worse and worse. Let's start with the fact that I am an introvert by nature. I like to sit at home and watch movies, read books, draw, etc. and so on. I have several really good girlfriends, I really appreciate and love them. But my parents constantly tell me that I have a difficult character, they constantly accuse me of not communicating with relatives (cousins, second cousins, uncles, aunts). And I just don’t understand what I’m going to talk about with people I don’t know at all. It seems to me that my parents do not perceive my personal opinion at all. I graduated from art school, but entered a technical university. When I tried to explain to my father that I didn’t want to connect my profession with creativity, he was very surprised and until the very end told me to go to an art university. Once (when we were arguing about admission) he said that I was too young to have my own opinion. It really hurt me then. I feel like I'm being treated like a little dog - 'fetch this, do that' (No, I don't mind doing any housework). I always HAVE to do something, but as soon as I want to express my opinion, they immediately shut me up, shouting that I am an ungrateful and bad daughter. Soon after this, I began to become increasingly silent and withdrawn into myself. So my mother again yelled at me because I didn’t talk to her, again I have a bad character, again I’m a bad, worthless daughter. Yes, sometimes I can be rude, but I can't help it. But she is far from ideal. When I was little, she got drunk several times and tried to jump out of the window (due to the fact that her father was cheating on her) right in front of my eyes. One time, when I once again pulled her away from the window, she offered to jump out with her. Since then, I probably feel some disgust when my mother drinks a little. I don't say anything bad to her. It’s just that when she comes into my room and asks something, I answer briefly and without much tenderness. In fact, my mother is a very cheerful person, sometimes even too cheerful. When I asked her about admission and about the argument with my father, she constantly laughed it off. Only once did she seriously express her opinion about admission. She said, “Go where you want, you won’t be able to get in for free.” In the end, I got in for free. In general, some kind of disputes constantly occur in our family. And to the depths of my soul I don’t understand how it is possible to achieve understanding in a family when the father leads a double life. He has an illegitimate son. My son is seven or eight years old. And now every time he comes home, kisses his mother, kisses me, I feel that all this is not real. I don’t understand what my parents want from me, because my father has another child who probably has a wonderful, flexible character. And my mother said that every year I was getting worse and worse. She said she didn't feel like she had a daughter. It even got to the point that she offered to buy me a separate apartment and move. Maybe it’s really worth moving out from my parents if I’m such a burden to them?
Question author: Alexandra Age: 18
Happy spouses - myth or reality?
As you know, any fairy tale can be brought to life. So, a happy married life is quite real. Such a couple will always have time and desire for simple signs of attention, thanks to which you can feel warmth, attention and love. After all, it’s not at all difficult to warn in advance that you’ll be late from work, set aside a couple of minutes during the day, call and find out how you’re doing. Having met in the kitchen in the evening, a loving husband and wife will definitely ask how each person’s day went. These little things allow you to feel that they are thinking about you, worrying about you, that you are an important part of your partner’s life.
If there is no happiness
How to live with your husband if there is no mutual understanding in the family even after following all the above tips? With a 90% probability we can say that this article will be read by women, which means that only they will follow all the recommendations. But a positive result cannot be achieved if both spouses do not work to maintain the relationship. Usually men do not think about such subtle matters as harmony and mutual understanding; for them it is more important to be well-fed and watch TV. Such a marriage will last exactly as long as a woman’s patience is enough.
Reconcile or separate?
The opinion imposed by society influences the tired wife’s making the right decision. Almost every piece of advice says that a woman should be near her husband, endure and come to terms with her difficult lot. Many ladies believe that all men are bad, but living alone is even worse, and therefore they turn a blind eye to drunkenness, laziness, and infidelity. All this results in scandals, hysterics, hundreds and thousands of dead nerve cells. If there are children in the family, then they are unwitting witnesses to such dramas. Girls, seeing an unhappy mother, begin to hate their father, and then men, from a young age. Children develop an incorrect model of relationships between men and women in their heads, which will make it difficult for them to build their own social unit in the future. Therefore, sometimes to the question of how to live with your husband if there is no mutual understanding, there is only one correct answer: no way!
Reasons why children misunderstand adults, consultation on the topic
Reasons why children misunderstand adults
Children consider themselves immortal beings (which in itself is not bad), and not a single child somehow believes that a misfortune can happen to them. Hence the very touch of frivolity or indifference that we so often come across, especially when talking with teenagers.
Children are generally structured differently than adults. And because of this “otherness” they really often do not understand us. Or they understand, but in a completely different way, and they see something completely different from what we had in mind. It happens that you tell your daughter or son: “Clean up your room,” the child works, cleans and seems to be trying, but as a result you find the same trash and garbage, only rearranged in a different order. From your point of view, this is a disgrace. The nursery is in complete order, because it’s stupid to throw away valuable (beautiful!) and necessary things.
The same thing happens when we warn about something, or ask for something, or try to convince children of something. Children's thinking is concrete and practical. It grows to high abstract truths in the middle, and more often, in the upper classes. Therefore, general reasoning, as a rule, does not affect them. And notations and edifications generally cause yawning.
By the way, about assenting. This irritates parents: the child nods his head, agrees, seems to understand everything, and then it turns out that he did not understand anything. But there is no need to be offended. It seems that smart children agree with us for the most humane reasons: their parents are trying, and we don’t want to upset them.
What to do? Speak to children in their language, and they will understand perfectly well what you want to warn them about.
Explain clearly and figuratively
For a child to remember something properly, it is not enough for him to hear. He must:
- see;
- feel;
- perceive through the senses and emotionally (by the way, our subconscious works in the same way as its native language - images and feelings).
So, if you want your child to understand you, truly understand you, create an image and use his senses. An image is more useful than long speeches and words, not only for small children, but also for older ones. It goes straight to the subconscious, and what gets there will never be lost.
Play
Play is the best way to convey the necessary information to a child. Moreover, so that they are firmly entrenched in his memory and at the right moment “emerge” from there.
While the child is small, all “safety lessons” should be taught like this - unobtrusively, in a playful way. However, older children also learn important concepts better if you unobtrusively, “playfully” explain to them. Why? Because playing is as natural for children as walking and breathing.
When you play, any advice is perceived completely differently, without internal protest, because it is always useful, because you are equal, you are partners, you are accomplices and friends.
Tell stories
One of the best ways to convey something to a child is to tell fairy tales where cute characters find themselves in such situations, which the child, perhaps, unconsciously relates to himself.
Lessons in between
Remember the subject you hated before the exam and how quickly and safely you forgot it as soon as you passed it. It's the same here. What is boring and abused is difficult to assimilate. That same internal protest is to blame!
Safety lessons are also best taught:
- unobtrusively;
- arousing curiosity and desire to learn;
- interesting - the more interesting your lessons are, the greater the guarantee that the child will learn them perfectly.
The main principle of teaching is to teach so that the child wants to learn.
Sitting a child down and giving him a lecture is possible. It's impossible to make him listen to this for an hour. If you start talking, talking, talking and you see that he raised his eyes to the ceiling, propped his head with his hand, tilted his head to the side, moves his lips, jerks his leg or draws something, you can be sure that he has not been in this room for a long time, not with you.
Lectures can be read if you:
- a good speaker and have the gift of persuasion;
— feel the child’s unabated interest.
Even adults absorb the lecture and put it into their long-term memory by about five percent. So be clear, concise and descriptive.
Show me how to do it right
If you want to allow your child to grow and develop, you will have to learn to resist public opinion. Stencils, habits, long-standing rules, the opinion of some passers-by who care about everything.
It’s easier to agree with the screams from the gateway, and it’s better to think with your own head. But you will have to think either in advance or about the consequences. By the way, it also wouldn’t hurt for a child to learn to think first and then do (climb, jump, run, jump...).
The insidious “no”
Many parents already know about the insidious “don’ts.” With “no” and “not...” the situation is even worse. Well, our subconscious doesn’t want to perceive it!
Our psyche greets any prohibition with hostility. And in order to obey and listen (let alone learn), you have to make an effort, to step over your own “I don’t want - I won’t.”
Remember how angry you yourself are about prohibitions in your family or at work. And for children it is even more difficult to make such an effort (if only because they are freedom-loving people). So it turns out: we say “No! You can’t!”, but the child is not ready to hear us, he has “bananas in his ears.” We say “don’t do it”, but he hears “do it, and quickly...”.
For some reason, the same thing happens with rhetorical questions: both children and even your subconscious are more likely to irritate them because they do not require an answer. Teenagers get especially angry when something malicious and prohibitive like “I’m telling you in Russian: until when...?!” appears from under your question.
What follows from this?
Try to construct phrases so as to avoid “not”, “no” and “impossible”
Avoid rhetorical questions (especially when you're in a bad mood)
Be careful and tactful with slightly ironic hints, this very often looks like a variant of a kind of sophisticated teasing and also makes you angry, especially teenagers (they are already not confident in themselves)
And if you still have to say no, sweeten the pill
So, your speech should be positive and specific, kind, but not ironic
Repeat in different ways
Any new information enters short-term memory. There it is stored for about three days, and then it is either erased or transferred to long-term memory, that is, it will be remembered for a long time.
Information moves into long-term memory:
- when the information is vivid and emotional;
- when a person repeats it, he returns to it. With this, it seems to say to the brain: it will be useful to me, this is important, remember!
Ideally, it should be like this: master new material, then repeat: after three days, after a week - after a month. And repetition should take place in different ways: it’s more interesting and memorable! About the same thing - in different ways.
Consistently, gradually deepening and returning to what has been covered, we must talk about both simple and more complex things. The child grows, but the rules do not change. They are only being supplemented and expanded, new subparagraphs and new twists will appear, but the essence is the same.
